The Epitome of Posh

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Transcript of The Epitome of Posh

Page 1: The Epitome of Posh
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THE EARLY YEARS

B o r n o n t h e 9 t h A u g u s t [ Y E A R REDACTED], Carmel Best was a spirited child, signalling from an early age that she would develop into an independent (and some might say, ‘stubborn’) woman. “I suppose she was always quite strong-willed”, her long-suffering mother, Margaret Best, recalls. “She never did anything she was told and was always getting into scrapes”. Her mother remembers the first time Carmel threatened to move out of home, at three years of age.

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“I found Carmel dressed in a jumper and jeans, wearing an unmatched pair of my high heels, and a white hat, carrying a suitcase she had hastily packed, and preparing to hit the road in search of a new family that would be more apprec iat ive o f her spec ia l qual i t ies” . Fortunately, after some persuading, Carmel decided to stay in the family home and did not leave again until her mid-thirties. “She obviously recognised, in the end, how good she had it”, her mother sighed.

Carmel clearly held early delusions of grandeur. On one occasion, dressed as Wonder Woman (See photograph on the right), she convinced herself that she could fly and jumped out the window. She was rushed to hospital and patched up by the staff, but not before questioning an embarrassed but stoical Margaret about her abilities to manage such an unruly and obstreperous child.

Despite her wild and irrepressible ways, Carmel was nonetheless a kind, generous and loveable child, adored by Margaret, Christie, Gemma and Kenneth.

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DRESSING POSH: BECOMING A STYLE ICON

Carmel’s penchant for style was evident from an early a g e . S h e h a s a l w a y s demonstrated a capacity for making innovative and daring fashion choices, recklessly throwing out the rule book and shaping a f r e s h a n d r i s k - t a k i n g wardrobe. A big fan of hats in her early years, Carmel’s tastes later progressed to encompass flamenco styles and purple frou-frou silk. Carmel has inspired many

d e s i g n e r p o w e r h o u s e s , including Chanel, Miu Miu, and Dolce and Gabbana, who constantly seek out her approval and attempt to translate her indomitable spirit into high-end fashion and accessories. Recently Victoria Beckham lauded Carmel as her role model; “She is just so f*&king posh, innit?”, Beckham exclaimed, “I just want to be like her in every way”.

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FROM SCHOLAR TO

LEGAL CRUSADER

POSH BITES:

HAUTE CUISINE A LÁ BEST

Carmel is not however, merely a style show pony. Her scholarly prowess shaped her pathway into a glittering legal career. Having battled through school against the rigours of formal system that was ill-equipped to cope with her genius, Carmel engaged in independent study with the University of London to secure a law degree. Thereafter she qualified as a solicitor through the Law Society of Ireland and later gained a Masters through the University of Limerick. Frustrated by other solicitors’ pompous and affected behaviours, Carmel established her own law firm and moved into a swish new premises ‘on the mall’. Occasionally, Carmel can be spotted at her office window, a 1998 Châteauneuf du Pape in hand, guffawing loudly, and gleefully celebrating her freedom and autonomy. Carmel is much in demand in the media as a legal advisor, even though the first time she appeared on TV she banged her head on the car boot door.

Carmel is also renowned for her culinary skills. She is a remarkable chef, who is regularly invited to River Cottage in Dorset to give cookery demonstrations. Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall is a particular fan of Carmel’s artistry. “I just don’t know how she does it”, he says enviously, “She has a special gift and, even after years of training, I struggle to achieve her gold standards. Maybe some day she will share her secrets with me”. Of course, her elite friends reap the benefits of Carmel’s extraordinary skills. In particular, they look forward to her occasional cocktail nights, invitations to which are much sought after. Carmel generously offers cocktail-making lessons, but she seems to include a special ingredient that wipes people’s memories entirely. “I vaguely remember drinking something called a ‘Sewer Rat’”, states one source, who wishes to remain anonymous, “but I have absolutely no idea what it was and I can’t recall anything that happened after drinking it. I think some of the other guests started to sing and broke into Johnny Logan’s classic ‘Hold Me Now’, but I can’t be sure”.

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(SOME OF) BEST’S FRIENDS*

It is clear, however, that her close friends have found chinks in Carmel’s otherwise inscrutably perfect public image. “She’s just so gullible”, claims one anonymous source, “it i s s o e n d l e s s l y entertaining that she believes everything you tell her”. Another noted, “She’s a bit mad really. Mad in a good way, you know, but she’s totally daft”. Despite - or perhaps because of h e r g u l l i b l e , d a f t nature - Carmel is a

very popular woman. It is clear that Carmel is held in very high esteem by her broad range of friends. Her joie de vivre, her fun-loving nature, her warmth, her kindness, her generosity, her c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f others’ feelings, and her unerring loyalty ensures that she will always be surrounded b y p e o p l e w h o appreciate her and love her, and who count themselves very lucky to have such a special person in their lives.

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*Editor’s notes: 1. Any unintentional omission from the ‘Best’s Friends’ page is entirely the fault of the editor and is no reflection on the length, depth or quality of the excluded party’s friendship with the bride-to-be. 2. If the relevant party does not appear on this page and he/she is really annoyed then he/she can ask the bride-to-be to sue me. 3. The bride-to-be is my solicitor so good luck with that.

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NEW BEGINNINGS: CARMEL AND DENIS

And so, Carmel’s story to date comes to a close, as our darling hen is embarking on a whole new journey with her handsome stag.

The Editor sought out some advice from Denis’s sisters on how to handle a Galvin, but was informed that they were not quite sure, since the groom-to-be is, according to his own family, “out on his own”. As for what advice we might offer Denis on how to handle Carmel… Well… Ammmm… Errr….

W e w i s h y o u b o t h e v e r y happiness in your future and we have no doubt that you will be as happy together as the proverbial pig.

Love and best wishes to you on your hen night, Carmel. We’re all looking forward to one hell of a party!

xxx