The Conscious Dialogue Process Assumptions: Due to the limits of language and the complexities of life, it is wise to assume that in virtually every message (including this one) there is something accurate, something inaccurate, something valuable, something not so valuable, something right and something wrong. There is truth and error in virtually every message.

Therefore: It is wise to be open to hearing new information that may expand one’s perception and understanding, and it is wise to share one’s “truth” with some humility.

Presuppositions:

Communication ideally involves someone sending a message and someone listening to or receiving the message.

A truism in human relationships is the old adage, “The message sent is rarely the message received”.

There is a sending role and a receiving role. Usually these roles change rapidly and fluidly during a discussion or conversation or argument.

The Conscious Dialog Process asks the participants to formalize the roles for the purposes of learning. That is, one person will be the Sender and the other person will be the Receiver. The participants will ideally stay in these roles until both parties are ready for the roles to change.

Agreement is a goal, not a requirement. Having agreement as a goal helps the participants to focus on the common ground and to seek to acknowledge with integrity what is right, helpful, valid and valuable in the others position.

There are three phases to the Conscious Dialog Process, an Understanding Phase, and Empathy Phase and a Boundary Clarification Phase (Agreement Phase).

The Role of the Receiver

I. UNDERSTANDING PHASE

In agreeing to be the Receiver in this dialogue process, the Receiver is agreeing to temporarily set aside his or her position, defenses, and feelings in order to make sure he or she understands before responding to the Sender’s message. This process can help correct the adage, “The message sent is rarely the message received.”

Step one- Give Understanding: The first step is to decide to attend carefully to the Sender and be willing to reflect back the message and check for its accuracy. This is commonly called mirroring.

Attending Behavior…is what one does when one decides to carefully listen to and respect the message of another person. This usually involves some form of the following:

Eye contact and posture…eye contact should be steady and relaxed without being staring or flitting.

Posture should be neither too relaxed (slouching) or too rigid.

Encouraging behavior…encourages the Sender to keep sending and reassuring the Sender that the listener is listening and hearing accurately. This may include things like the nod of the head, statements like, “I’m following you” or furthering comments such as, “Uh-huh, :

Mirroring or Reflective Listening

The Receiver...

Mirrors: "If I'm understanding correctly, you are saying...." Checks Back: "Did I get it right?" “Did I get it all?” Invites Full Expression: "Is there more you want to say about that?"

Listen for the Reasonableness of the Message…listen for the inner logic and reasonableness of the message. Even (especially) the parts you disagree with can be listened to with an ear to understanding what is reasonable, logical, and valid in that position. (This is different from whether or not there is agreement with the message.) It is possible to mirror accurately and still not understand the message, so it is desirable to check in with oneself while mirroring and ask, “Am I understanding or following what is being said?”

Questions of Clarification…are okay, in order for you to have understanding. Questions of challenge are not allowed. However, too many Questions of Clarification may disrupt the flow of sending and the Sender may feel “questioned.”

Check Implications…with permission. So ask, “May I check an implication?”

Step two- Acknowledge Understanding and Reasonableness. When mirroring has been completed accurately, implications have been checked, there is no more to be shared from the Sender and the Sender “feels” understood, the goal is:

for the receiver to acknowledge the internal logic and reasonableness of the message, particularly acknowledge the reasonableness of the parts where there is disagreement.

There are three types of acknowledgment you can use:

1. Global…”I follow what you've said and I can see where you're coming from. You make sense to me.”

2. Full…”You make sense because…” What follows is a restatement of the logic of the Sender, emphasizing the Sender’s line of reasoning. Beware of any tendency to share your own logic even if it agrees with the Sender. The goal at this point is to recognize the Sender’s logic rather than support it with the Receiver’s logic.

3. Ongoing…Sometimes, this step can be done in an ongoing way as the Sender shares rather than waiting until the end of the message and the Sender feel fully understood. This acknowledgment can feel good to the Sender. Use care so that you do not interrupt the flow.

II. EMPATHY PHASE

When the message has been mirrored accurately and the reasonableness of the message has been seen and acknowledged, the Receiver attempts to make an empathic connection to the Sender.

Receiver steps for a brief moment into the world of the Sender and tries to understand what that

world must be like, given the message that has been sent. Focus is on the Sender’s feelings or on the intensity of the feelings or experience.

Say something like, “I imagine you might be feeling hurt and angry and perhaps a little discouraged.” “Is that right?” or “I’m imagine this must all feel pretty awful. Is that right?”

Notice that in the examples, the Receiver always checks to see if the empathy is accurate. In making an empathy statement, the Receiver must clearly understand that he or she is attempting to enter the Sender’s internal world and that at best this is a guess or a hunch as to what is happening at an emotional level.

Empathy statements should always be made tentatively, acknowledging that the Sender is the authority on whether or not the empathy statement is accurate. Checking back to see if the empathy statement is accurate is essential.

II. BOUNDARY CLARIFYING PHASE (Maximize Agreement)

Here the goal is for the Receiver to acknowledge everything in the Sender’s message that he or she can agree with or support with integrity.

Receiver now identifies the common ground, sharing agreement* about:

A. Facts and events B. Feelings C. Perceptions D. Ideas and suggestions E. Choices and actions F. Any agreement to change G. Any “movement” on the part of the Sender.

Movement is defined as the inclusion with integrity parts of the Receiver’s prior message into the reality or position of the Sender. This usually occurs only after several rounds of discussion and is ideally acknowledged when it happens.

Second level Agreement may also be shared in this phase. Second Level Agreement (“I believe you believe what you are saying.”) may be particularly

important in a relationship where trust is the issue. The Receiver is essentially saying, “I believe you are stating your thoughts, feelings, perceptions,

opinions authentically. I think you are not lying or being gamey with me”.

*Partial agreement is okay. No disagreement is given at this point. Agreement may be a legitimate goal of dialog, and should not be a requirement, a “should” or a “must”.

IV. REVOLVING OF ROLES

The Receiver becomes the Sender. Here’s where differences and disagreements are shared.

The Role of the Sender

I. State the Topic for discussion (one word or short phrase) II. State the general purpose of the message

The purpose is defined as what you are wanting from the listener. (Understanding, agreement, a behavior change, etc. At this point this is a general rather than a specific statement; the specifics will come later. This statement prepares the listener for what is being or may be asked of him or her)

Examples: “What I am wanting is for you to understand and see the validity of what I am saying and to let me know that. I’d like to know whether or not you agree with me. And I may have a specific request later.”

The purpose is not the goal. Avoid statements like, “I’d like for us to…”

III. Present your perspective, being sure to be:

A. Clear (Aim for short, well formed sentences with sufficient organization of your thoughts) B. Direct (Work for a quality of straightforwardness) C. Specific (Avoid abstractions and generalizations.) D. Brief (The human system can handle only so much data before it is overloaded. Remember you will have another turn. Don’t try to say everything in one turn) E. Speak out of your feelings. Emotions are our organism’s best summary of where we stand in relationship to the subject or the person we are talking too. Talk that comes from and includes the feeling level of experience will often be clearer, more effective and more powerful. F. Take Responsibility

Ownership of feelings, interpretations, choices, perceptions. Acknowledge “Prime-mover-ship”. This is the opposite of a victim stance and the opposite of

blaming, accusing, and criticizing. Putting energy into solutions rather than complaints when solutions are appropriate to the situation.

Making Behavior Change Requests is an example of “taking responsibility”. Boundary Clarification. Examples: Between what actually happened and the interpretation of the events, between one’s choices and what one “had” to do in response to the situation, etc.

Acknowledge the Listener. When the Listener, mirrors accurately, let him or her know that it is accurate. If empathy is accurate, let him or her know that either with a nod of the head or a direct statement.

IV. Assist in transition to “Boundary Clarification”. The Sender is the final authority on when it is time to transition to the Boundary Clarification Phase. Usually this is done in some form of, “I’m feeling understood by you and am ready to go on to the next phase