THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS OF OCEAN COUNTY P.O. Box 219, Island Heights, New Jersey, 08732

Website: http://tcfocnj.weebly.comE-mail (friends.ocean@yahoo.com)

January-February Newsletter: Vol. 43 No. 1-2

GROUP CONTACTSChapter Leader: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894) Facilitators: Betty Juliano (732-255-1582)Newsletter: David Rothman (732-288-9114) Website: Debra Connolly Garden: Bruce Jones (732-244-9631)Treasurer Stacy Favre (732-506-9017)Telephone: Billie Ellis (732-363-3894)________________________________________________________________________

Regional Coordinator: Camille Williams (856-728-8685)

The Compassionate Friends National Office P.O. Box 3696 Oak Brook, IL 60522 Phone: 630-990-0010 Fax:630-990-0246 Toll Free:877-969-0010 http://compassionatefriends.org

CHAPTER NOTES Thank you to all those who helped out with the Candlelight Ceremony: Thanks to all who helped out at the front desk, in the kitchen, with theset-up, reading, who brought food, who made donations to our chapter andthose who brought toys and clothing. We were especially touched by the wonderful music of the Brian Fredella, Joey Senz, Payton Kohan, and Nicolle McColley.

We wish you all a peaceful new year!

UPCOMING MEETING DATESDates: Our next meeting is Tuesday, January, 2rd at 7:00PM, the Februarymeeting is Tuesday, February 6th and the March meeting is March 6th. Meetings are held at St. Lukes Church in Toms River. Directions below.

DIRECTIONS TO MONTHLY MEETING, ST. LUKE CHURCH, TOMS RIVER

FROM THE NORTH

� Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) South to Exit 89 C-B-A toward NJ-70/Brick/County Hwy 528/Lakewood.

� Take Exit 89 B-A on the left toward NJ 70/Lakehurst/Brick.� Merge onto Route 70 West toward Lakehurst/Lakewood/Manchester. At

New Hampshire Ave (3rd light) take the jughandle.� You will cross over Rt. 70 West (1st light) and continue on New

Hampshire until you come to Church Road (4th light-with North DoverElementary on your left) make a right.

� At Old Freehold Road (1st light) make a right.� St. Luke is on your right.

FROM THE SOUTH

� Take the Garden State Parkway (GSP) North to Exit #83 (Toms River-Junction Rt. 9/Rt. 166). Bear right onto Rt. 9 North.

� Take Route 9 North until Church Rd. (3rd light-not including blinking light) and make a right.

� Take Church Rd. to Old Freehold Rd. (1st light) and make a right.� St. Luke is on your right.

FROM THE WEST

From Trenton

� Take Interstate 195 East to Exit #16B (Six Flags-Rt 537N).� Stay on Rt. 537N. At the light past the Jackson Outlet, make a

right onto Rt. 571.� Stay on Rt. 571 until it junctions with Rt. 9 (approx. 18 miles).� Make a left onto Rt 9 and continue until Church Rd (2nd light not

including blinking light)� Make a right onto Church Road.� Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd (1 light) and make a right.� St. Luke is on the right.

From Freehold

� Take Rt. 9 South through Howell and Lakewood until Church Road (Citgo & 7-Eleven).

� Make a left onto Church Road� Take Church Road to Old Freehold Rd. (1 light) and make a right.

MEETING INFORMATIONTo Our New Members-coming to the first meeting is the hardest, but you have nothing to lose and everything to gain! Try not to judge your firstmeeting as to whether or not The Compassionate Friends will work for you. At the next meeting you may find just the right person or just the right words said that will help you in your grief. The purpose of our meetings is to listen, share and hopefully offer support. Please be assured that there is no obligation to speak or participate. Just attendand hopefully you will receive some measure of comfort from joining the group and meeting other families that understand. You are also encouraged to bring someone with you for support, we realize how difficult that first meeting can be and assure you that you will find a place where people that do understand are willing to listen and to care.Cont.

Grief is experienced by everyone in very different ways, but there are some common thoughts and feelings that all who suffer grief will share. It is important to understand what your normal reactions will be. We cannot change the pain you may experience during grief. We can give youa better sense of control while going through these experiences by make them less frightening. Having something to “hold onto” will help maintain some sense of reality for those going through intense change.

To Our Seasoned Members - We need your encouragement and your support. Each meeting we have new parents. THINK BACK - what would it have been like for you at your first meeting if there had not been any TCF 'veterans' to welcome you, share your grief, encourage you and tell you "your pain will not always be this bad, it really does get better. All are invited to bring a picture of your child for "Our Children Remembered" table. We will have a candle lit in memory of all the children listed in this month's newsletter and invite you to bring a picture and/or something special if you would like to speak about your child this month. This is the one place that speaking about your child is not considered an imposition and expressing how you are really feeling is appropriate and welcome.

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, January 2018These months we are remembering these children who are sadly missed. Please take a few moments of silence to remember their day with their parents. A phone call or note would be so kind. None of us ever forget those very special days and messages that say "I care" do help us get through them.

Child's Name “birth” dates Donald Abbott January 2 Patricia Lynn Ardis January 15Paul E. Arnone January 12 Jeffrey Michael Bell January 4 Justin Francis Benson January 31 Christine Maggio Berndt January 7Richard Anthony Blaseo January 31Ida Coleen Brady January 19 Patrick Brady January 4 Shea Brodbeck January 26 Melissa Lynn Burch January 30 Erik Camilo January 26Riley Ann Call January 20Ryan Joseph Caperilla January 28 Dawn Marie Carter January 16 Carrie-Anne Carter January 5 Michael Civitano January 1 Donna Corinne Clayton January 2 Phillip Connelly January 18 Cassandra Lynn Costello January 13Robert Michael DeBeauvernet January 19Kevin DeOlveira-Longineth January 2Patrick Dundee January 1Michael Patrick Dwyer January 12 Brain Eckert January 8Jenny Lynn Eidel January 27 Matthew Falter January 29Eric Flaherty January 11Yehoshua Finkelstein January 5Scott Patrick Fredella January 13 Robert Michael Furth January 19 Richard Gallagher, Jr. January 12 Joseph Gawlik January 24 Adriana Giovanniella January 30 Bruce Edward Goldberg January 26 James Anthony Grande January 1 Amy Gray January 24 Joshua Griffin January 20 Julie Ann Groff January 31 Thomas Josh Hackett January 30 Erin Paige Hoer January 27William Lindsay Ingram January 23 Robert John Kirby January 14 Cont.

Abby Michel Kirchner January 18 Raven Kunze January 7John LaBarbera January 22Erik Thomas LaMonica January 31 Emma Nicole Lewis January 6 Carol Ann Lis January 29 Spence Madsen January 14 Scott McIntosh January 11 Jennifer McMahon January 13 Todd Miller January 10 Eric Mills January 22 Shaun Thomas O'Brien January 18 John Opauski January 18 Albert Palermo January 8 Christina Pickett January 16 William Pirone January 9Rene Plourde January 25 Peter N. Porto January 17 Michael Puglisi January 19 Craig Reynolds January 15 Adam T. Rogers January 19Kenneth Rogers January 7 John G. Rizzo, Jr. January 5 Heather Ruiz January 17 Georgann Michelle Sabato January 18 Michael Angel Santiago January Timothy Santucci January 22 Janice A. Savitsky January 2 Mark Anthony Schwing January 12 Kelly Marie Siebert January 22Evan Smith January 26John Smock January 15 Nathaniel Smyth January Joseph Spitaletto January 14 Paul Sternberg January 12 Scott Stetz January 14Eric Paul Student January 17 Lukas Earl Sutton January 12 Tyrone Tamberelli January 24 John Edward Testa January 11 Sgt. Cheryl Ann Turnage January 29 Travis Ury January 18 Cheri Vitanskas January 3Kaitlyn Wilson January 6 Maureen Wall Bentley January 28 James Woop January 9Eric Zempol January 25

Child's Name “passing” dates Donald Abbott January 28 George Adjemian January 21Donna Amoroso January 22Ryan M. Anderson January 11 Patricia Lynn Ardis January 17Danielle Elizabeth Arsi January 16Jeffrey Michael Bell January 7Daniel J. Beierle January 18Carl David Berg January 9Gerard Bornemann January 24Vincenzo Bove January 16Shea Brodbeck January 23Emma Natalie Butcher January 24 Luca Joseph Capobianco January 15Joseph Cavaretta January 2Stephen Costanzo January 10 Russell Cottone January 19 Alison E. Courvoisier January 21Paula Crammer January 19 Darlene Crosbie January 18 Julia Cuccinello January 17Eric Paul DaCruz January 2 Trevor Damato January 3Peter Anthony DeBellis January 31Joseph Carmine DeHart January 4Michael Patrick Dwyer January 9Waleed Emara January 25Heidi Errickson January 27Raymond Farino January 16Joseph Gawlik January 27 Robert Gellatly, Jr. January 20Chuck Goldman January 21Amy Gray January 5 Tyron “Woody” Howard January 21Michael Hager January 18 Illeana Hess January 1John Higgins Gilbert Isabelle January 6 Richard Karwoski January 9Abby Michel Kirchner January 18 Shea Brodbeck January 23Jessica Leshay January 14Emma Nicole Lewis January 6Michael Lowenstein January 31 Karen Marie Martin January 2 Shannon Elaina McLaughlin January 18 Adam Devenney Mescal January 26 Jon Mindurski, Jr. January 14James Miraldi January 10 Brian D. Moresca January 16Cont.

Catherine Ann Mulvaney January 31 Ronald Murat January 2Shannon Murphy January 29Brian Nasse-Delgado January 8Douglas Oland January 18 Eric Oswald January 27Albert Palermo January 24John Anthony Paluzzi January 22Joseph Parillo January 25Laura J. Peet January 1David Piana January 2 Roger Plourde January 10Lisa Rak January 8Amanda Rose Resnyk January 19Jenna Brooke Rice January 23Keith Rigney January 24Kenneth Rogers January 3Lisa Ruiz January 3Heather Ruiz January 28Andy Rush January 30Denise Ruzzo January 30William Anthony Schade January 4Michael John Schiavello January 10Emma Natalie Butcher January 24Sean Emmett Simon January 25Tina Smith January 14Nathaniel Smyth January Derek John Sneed January 1Jeffrey Stein January 28Bolton Eric Suttle III January 11Kurt Aaron Thatcher January 10Jake Travers January 23Tiffany Tucker January 23Jennifer Ann Ward January 7Elysia Wortman January 16

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, February 2018Child's Name “birth” datesRichie Albers February 13 Stephen Albino February 8 Emily Lorraine Dorothy Atanacio February 18 Michael W. Baumiester February 6 Daniel J. Beierle February 20Jacqueline Berardo February 21 Edward Bohrer, Jr. February 18 Patrick O'Grady Boyce February 19 Ida Colleen Brady February 9 Cont.

Lori Cancel February 17 Michael A. Cantillo February 10 Eric J. Caposele February 25 Diane Lynn Marie Gans Cogar February 13 Michael John Coleman February 7 Sn. Scott Cummings February 17 Jill Harris Daguet February 27 Thomas DeMatteo February 19 Erik DiCorcia February 27 Stuart Lee Dinerstein February 11 Colin Keath Dryburgh February 17 Frederick Errickson February 2 Michelle Evans February 8 Machael J. Faone III February 2Michael Joseph Flanagan Jr. February 10 Shane William Alan Flanagan February 18Stacey Ford February 4Becky Lynn Gerber February 15 Elijah Hanson February 13 Illeana Hess February 7Duane Kenneth Hollan February 23 Robert Lynam Ives III February 27 Paula Jo Ann Jones February 18 James Kent February 27 Gabriel E. Knee February 14 John Lanzano February 25 Baby Emily M. February 15 Kelly Makowitz February 10Michael Maguire February 10 Michelle Ann Mallon February 29 Jonathan McCarthy February 9 Theresa McCarthy February 28 Kristen McCulloch February 19 Corinne Ellery McCurdy February 4Scott Miick February 22Brian D. Moresca February 12Dougie Murante February 22 Shannon Murphy February 18 Laura Nebbia February 28 Michael O'Neill February 6 Bradley Oppel February 17 Robert Pastena February 6 Harold C. Paton III February 15 Lisa Ann Paul February 22 Ryan David Petley February 25 Andrina Pizzolato February 19 Joseph John Quinones February 6Nicole Romanelli February 4Gary Douglas Ray, II February 9Carrie Ann Russo February 6 Gregory Alan Santora February 23 Cont.

Michael John Schiavello February 2 Virginia Shepard February 7 Robert Scott Smith February 27 Jason Tallman February 22 Edward Thorne February 28 Peter Michael Torakis February 4 Curtis Van Tassell February 5Tiffany Tucker February 25Michael Vecchio February 20Geroge Walsh, III February 22Eric Zempol February 2

Child's Name “passing” datesKevin Michael Addas February 5Julian Allen February 22Gerard Arancio February 15Emily Lorraine Dorothy Atanacio February 21Michael W. Baumiester February 14Bobby Beattie February 6 Edward Bohrer, Jr. February 4Peter Bothner February 23Christopher Buss February 16 Steve Butelewicz February 13Barbara L. Cominski February 15Erin Campolattaro February 10 Carrie-Anne Carter February 6 John Dafeldercker, Jr. February 27Todd Leighton Davis February 18Colin Keath Dryburgh February 17Malissa Lynn Eisenhower February 26Marianne Pino English February 12 Machael J. Faone III February 6Matthew Falter February 25Keith Brian Falk February 17 Yehoshua Finkelstein February 28Michael Joseph Flanagan Jr. February 10 Pamela Frazier February 13Marissa Marie Fredericks February 19Heather Gagliano February 15 Becky Lynn Gerber February 15Barnett Goff February 24 Bruce Edward Goldberg February 7Cheryl Hedberg February 4 William Lindsay Ingram February 7Paula Jo Ann Jones February 18Jennifer Jones February 20Thea Gail Juezan February 18James Kent February 18Jesse Robert Klump February 27Dan Knechtel February 13 Cont.

Suzanne Lavecchia February 21Brendan Louis Lowenberg February 15Thomas Luyster February 21 Emily MacMillan February 8Kimerlee Lyn Maison February 6 Riley Marie McCabe February 28Corinne Ellery McCurdy February 18Patricia Brady-McKeon February 6 Jonathan Morse February 4Lee O'Connor February 7 Anthony Palermo February 24Andrina Pizzolato February 18Rory Potter February 14Paul Puccerella February 17 Baby Emily M. February 15 Anthony Rafaniello February 28Christine Ranieri February 7Lois DeVries Raught February 13Lou Reen February 15 Jenna Brooke Rice February 12Isaac Robert Sacks February 1 Kenneth F. Salvi February 8 Michale Angel Santiago FebruaryTimothy Santucci February 5 Laura Ann Selikoff February 12 John Smock February 5 Knicky Snyder February 23William Staffa February 8 Gregg Starace February 13 Eric Sternberg February 8 William J. Stone February 25Andrea Greene Swan February 18 Mary Margaret Taylor February 2Dimitrios Tsarnas February 12 Mark Alan Tuz February 1Robert J. Udet III February 24Michael Valush February 25 Jon VanMeter February 25 Christopher Vertino February 14 Gregory Scott Walker February 10Matthew Watergill February 3Jackie White February 25Matthew Witzgall February 3

OUR CHILDREN REMEMBERED, March, 2018 Child's Name “birth” datesWilliam Thomas Adami March 7 Darrell Glenn Adams March 4 Julian Allen March 17 Daniel D. Alexander March 8 Drew Evan Basaman March 22 Kerry Arnold Beaton March 26 Jennifer Boehle March 16 Peter Bothner March 16 Anthony Briffa March 12 Anthony Brindisi March 30 Angela Marie Browne March 24 Jon Byron March 30 Jesse Carbonaro March 14 Donald Cawley March 17 Brittany Cena March 31 Julie Ann Clakeley March 11 Kimberly Clark March 31 Jason Cole March 24Tammy Clickner March 12Kevin Curran March 19Leigh Ann Davis March 14Todd Leighton Davis March 25Joseph De Titta March 16Paityn Rose Donnelly March 24Sara Elizabeth Dubinin March 1 Marianne Pino English March 11 Raymond Fryson March 25 Alyssa K. Fultz March 8Michelle F. gannucci-FurnariRobert Gellatly, Jr. March 1 Ryan Gabriel Genthe Marcy 16Spencer Peersen Giersch March 26 George C. Gillespie March 16 Michael J. Goodwin, Jr. March 13Colleen Guierro March 8 Coleen Gullen March 8 Sean Michael Guthrie March 24Michael Hager March 2 Adam Hankins March 6 David M. Harmer March 18Brian Hellenack March 16 Walter Hewitt March 31 Julian Hoffman March 3Michele Lee Holowka March 17Kimberly Beth Holzsager March 10Tyron “Woody” Howard March 14Karen Hudson March 20 Nickolas Alexander Innarella Jarch 4Tiffany Jamison March 22Cont.

Amanda Rae Kiernan March 23Rylee Mingo Kearney March 26Andrew Lloyd March 18Brendan Louis Lowenberg March 9 Randy Scott Lynnworth March 19 Michael Marshall March 16 Charles McCarthy March 18 Rylee Ann MingoRonald A. Newby March 7 Adam J. Newman March 5 Christine Newnom March 12 Lindsey Niece March 6Chase Ryan Olsen March 20 Megan Nicole O’Shaugnessy March 24Brian Pamtella March 15 Jessica Patterson March 2Sarh Leigh Pavao March 16Laura J. Peet March 11Dominic Procaccom March 4 Valerie Roma March 6 Jeffrey Rothman March 2 Anthony Russo March 23 Maria Ruzzo March 31Gary Matthew Sabo March 28 Jamie Schoenleber March 9 Gary J Schiavone, Jr. March 9 Jessica Schmidt March 2 Kyle William Schovanec March 23Vera Ann Schwamberfer March 12 Eric Wayne Sherman March 31Allison Beth Seidel March 8 Kate Shea March 3 Philip Anastasius Smyth March 28 Stacy Noel Sobieski March 18 Stephen Spinelli March 29 Eric Sternberg March 31 John Stone March 28 Kevin Terry March 9 Neil Van De Putte March 11 Sean Clark Vaughan March 26 Joanna Marie Voguit March 1Ricky Waehler March 30 Josh Weidner March 5 Jordan Amber West March 29 Caitlyn Renee White March 14 Ryan Worrall March 17 John P. Wroblewski March 15

Child's Name “passing” datesWilliam Thomas Adami March 12Daniel D. Alexander March 30Tom Baykowski, Jr. March 30Angle M. Bellifemini March 13Richard Anthony Blaseo March 29Riley Ann Call March 3Nara Campisi March 1Gavin Michael Carter March 4 Brittany Cena March 18Dana Ciccolella March 21Shaun Cochran March 22Melanie Cooney March 11Jagger Lee Crawford March 25 Leigh Ann Davis March 3 Stuart Lee Dinerstein March 31Phyllis Eider March 24 Augie Ernesto March 19 Michelle Evans March 16Thomas A. Faone Marcy 27Lauren Fennell March 14Tommy Fischer March 21Shane William Alan Flanagan March 4Brody Frankle March 3Ryan Gabriel Genthe March 16Spencer Peersen Giersch March 26Janette Giordano March 13 Christina Lynn Golembiewski March 31 David Gosser March 10Bill Harrington, Jr. March 30 Brendan Hennicke March 14Duane Kenneth Holland March 19Lucky-Joe Jackson March 12Kodi Jamison March 23Penelope Jones March 6Allyson Joyce March 25 Joseph Juliano March 20Tabitha Koutouzis March 15 Brian Michael Kurinzi March 8Sam Larsen March 18Michael LaPiere March 16 Sabrina-Lynn Lavecchia March 23Michael LaVolpe March 28 Brittany Marie Maciunski March 6Derrick Maciunski March 7Frank Mara March 17Anthony Maruca March 10Michael Anthony Marvel March 14Megan Mazzitelle March 14 Clifford McKennan March 20Brad McNamara March 10

Cont.Derek Meglis March 17Ryan Mogila March 10Jennifer Lynn Murphy March 29William Edward Norris March 12Thomas Ohagan March 11Kristilyn Ostroff March 1William Pirone March 16Domenick “DJ” Polimeda March 1Robert J. Porto March 14Dominic Procaccom March 4John Rak March 18Joseph Ribaudo March 13Sammy Rivera March 18Joey Rogers March 4Valerie Roma March 23 Jeffrey Rothman March 14Anthony Russo March 11Carrie Ann Russo March 2Craig Salzlein March 20 Gerald Charles Schade March 16 Kevin A. Schemel March 31 Robert Schildknecht March 7Kyle William Schovanec March 4Joseph Robert Seibert March 1Andrew Shearer March 13 Eric Shibla March 4 Anastasio Skentos March 30Joseph Snack March 9 Kevin Snack March 17 Michael Snyder March 23 Brad Louis Sorrentino March 30Joseph Spitaletto March 22Hank Steinbach March 20Scott Stetz March 7Kerri P. Stinson March 30Jake Stuart March 9 Scot Erich Sunkimat March 19Richard Tello March 8Colleen L. Thatcher March 3Miguel Angel Torres March 29Joe Tremarco March 29Matthew Paul Troike March 8David Mark Twidle March 28George Walsh, III March 20Scott Walensky March 15Emma Louse Weidener March 26Scott Wickel March 13 Brian Woop March 20James Woop March 8

LOVE GIFTS A love gift is a tax-deductible donation given in memory of a child thatdied. Because of these gifts we are able to continue reaching out to bereaved parents. Please try to send your gifts to the chapter by the meeting date of the month prior to the month you wish it to appear. Lovegifts can be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 485 in Toms River, New Jersey 08754. Thanks to Pam Costello and the Cedar Grove Elementary School for their “love” gift for Cassandra Costello.

Thanks to Theresa Clayton for her “love” gift in honor of her son Christopher.

HOW TO ACCESSOTHER SUPPORT GROUP/HOTLINE INFORMATION

To access information for other support groups/hotlines that deal with many aspects of grief go to https://www.tcfocnj.weebly.com and click on Find Support/Crisis Hotline.

Another way to access more support groups can be found by going to the National Compassionate Friends website at https://www.compassionatefriends.org or type in key word “Compassionate Friends.” Go to Resources and then Links.

HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS ON-LINE SUPPORT CHAT GROUPS

To access the on-line support system go to https://www.compasionatefriends.org or use key word “Compassionate Friends. Click on Find Support then click On-Line Support. A password will need to be set-up.

HOW TO ACCESS TO COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS FACEBOOK GROUPShttps://www.compassionatefriends.org/find-support/online-

communities/private-facebook-groups/

ACCESSING BROCHURES/E-NEWSLETTERTo access various brochures on dealing with various aspects of grief go to https://www.compassionatefriends.org or use key word “Compassionate Friends.” Click on Resources then click Available Brochures. You can also register for the national e-newsletter at this site.

MORE HELPFUL INFORMATION You can access https://www.opentohope.com, hosted by Gloria and Heidi Horsley. There you can find more information including access to radio and video archives, articles, book lists and upcoming event.

INFORMATION ABOUT OUR LIBRARYPlease note there is a complete selection of brochures. books and other kinds of literature dealing with grief that is available in our Chapter Library. The Library is in the same building in which we hold our meetings.

SHARING POEMS AND THOUGHTSWe encourage you to share your poems and thoughts. We would like to

include them in future newsletters and use them in a Chapter book. Theycan be sent to Compassionate Friends at PO Box 485, Toms River, NJ 08754

or they can be e-mailed to friends.ocean@yahoo.com

Reflections on a New Year We begin a new year, one that many of us enter with reluctance. After all, it means another year away from our child and another year to be lived without the physical presence of the one we have lost. Apprehensiveabout any new challenges that we may be called upon to face in our brokencondition, we call out, “Wait, I’m not ready yet!”

The death of our child changed the course of our life; nothing will be the same again. But it also has shaped us into who we are today. And it will continue to do so as we learn to incorporate this loss into who we are to become.

Have you found that you have already begun to live differently? Compassion toward others is more profound. Trivial things are no longer important. Appreciation for life, and those in our lives, is paramount. We’re living the same life—differently.

Tragedies, disappointments, and heartaches combine with beauty, love, andjoy to fashion our life. These are all a part of life, and our challenge is to incorporate them into our world. The difference that our child’s life has had upon the world continues through us.

So, rather than being fearful of the challenges that lie ahead, perhaps abetter question to consider at this time might be: What opportunities will present themselves in the coming year to honor this loss that is already a part of our life? Our child has become more integrally entwinedinto our being than ever before. We bring him or her to every situation that we encounter. How can we make that situation better because of this bond?

The start of a new calendar year is a good time to remember that we are in the midst of life. It is not perfect. Nor is it one that we might havechosen. But, our struggles do not put life “on hold.” Rather they are a part of life itself! Our life is ours to make the most of, with many gifts that we can share with others. There is no better time than the present to gather up the pieces and recognize the uniqueness that we eachcall “me”—a uniqueness made more wonderful because of our child’s presence in the life we choose to live. Paula Staisiunas Schultz In Memory of Melissa and Jeff

Coping With the New Year Blues It seems that everyone is excited to start the new year ahead with gusto,and plans for the future. To someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, this can bring about even stronger feelings of sadness and despair. The one we spent our time with is no longer here to make plans with, while the world moves on without us.

Some grievers may feel that there is nothing left to live for at this very delicate time in their life. This thought couldn’t be more wrong. Each and every one of us has a purpose in this life. Just as the ones we are missing had purpose. As hard as it may be, we need to find it within ourselves to live out the purpose that was given to us upon our birth. You have a significant reason for being here.

Consider sharing your story of your loved one by going to a support groupor volunteering somewhere that has meaning to you. One can never tell howmuch sharing a part of themselves can help change the life of another. You may never realize how much your story has affected a person, but by putting yourself out there, you will not only ease the pain of others, but you will begin to heal your own heart as well.

If you are uncomfortable with face to face meetings, then find an online community that you like and start posting in the forums. In no time, you will find that you have created friendships with people in similar situations, who also need a shoulder to cry on. It goes both ways, which is the most wonderful part of online bereavement groups. Everyone there knows the pain of loss and understands the grief that you are going through.

If you find that your sadness is unbearable, please talk to a family member and seek the advice of a medical professional. Written by Lora Mercado from Open to Hope Newsletter

JapaneseSomething very strange has happened. In the blink of an eye, in the time it takes to take a breath, in an instant, I suddenly am informed that I now must speak Japanese. Why are they saying such a terrible thing? Thereis no training, no warning, and no preparation. But now, from this instant on, I must speak in Japanese. “Wait”, I cry out, “I don’t know how to speak Japanese.” I am told, “don’t worry, you will learn.” “But who is going to teach me?” “Hmmm, we are not sure.” “But I still understand English, why can’t I just speak English?” “We don’t know. You were just chosen.” “But who will I talk to?” “Not really sure.” “What about my family? They speak English.” “You speak Japanese.” “But how will they understand me?” “They will do the best they can, but you will have to learn to live in their world with only Japanese...” “Wait, stop, let’s back up. I don’t want to speak Japanese!” “I am sorry; you really don’t have a choice. It is out of your hands. It was never really in your hands, this was just the plan for you.”“But how do I go on with my life in a world where no one can understand me? It will be as if they cannot hear me?” “Your family will try. They will look at you as you talk, and they will try to understand. They will be tolerant to a point, but at some point, you may have to just conform to their way of living and just go along with whatever they are doing.”“But I have friends, what about them? I want to keep my old friends around me.” “Some of them will try to stay with you. And for a while some will. Some will not be able to take the new language, and they will drift away. But try to understand, they speak English. Their world has not changed. Only yours. Some of your friends will sit with you, and they will hold your hand, and look in your eyes and try to find the old you. They will try tomake you speak English. They will take you to familiar places, and do familiar things, hoping you will suddenly change back. But once you have made this change, there is no going back. And it is normal to want them to understand. But you have to remember, that for them to understand, then they will have to leave their friends behind and join you in the world of Japanese. Do you really want that?”

And then, in that blink of an eye moment, the time it takes to take a breath, I am alone. My family and my friends are still around me, and they are speaking. I hear the words, but cannot respond, I open my mouth and words come out, but they look at me with blank stares. I can sit withthem, but I cannot join the conversation. I see them laughing and do not understand what is funny. They try to include me, but after a while when I don’t join in, they slowly begin to fade away. No one calls me, they can’t talk to me, and they can’t understand me. I don’t blame them, I understand why. Cont.

But can’t they see that I am lonely?I am alone! And I am incredibly sad!

I have been speaking Japanese for 7 years now. Some of the English is fading from my memory. I can still sit with my family and I can stay withthe conversation, I can remember some of our history. But when they laugh, I cannot feel it now. The raw feelings of loneliness have healed abit. And I can pretend to laugh, and smile at the appropriate times, but I don’t feel it in my heart. It is easier to pretend I understand than totry to keep explaining. They still don’t speak Japanese. I don’t want them to.

I did meet a few people who speak Japanese. And we can talk for hours about “speaking in Japanese!” But we don’t share a life together. We don’t have a history together. It is nice, don’t get me wrong and I am sovery grateful for the new friends. But it is sad that what brought us together is such an odd thing. Why were we chosen for this banishment? Were we marked for some strange test? Were we being punished for some wrong we were unaware of? How did we get this challenge? We talk about itall the time. We try to figure out why me and not someone else?

Once in a great while an old friend or another family member joins us. And that is an even sadder day. Because we know what the first days of this are like. We have adjusted, we have learned to adapt. But they have many, many days ahead of anger, loneliness and yes, always the sadness. But we will help them; we will be here to walk with them and help teach them this new way of life. And when they need comfort, those of us who speak the language will be here. Anytime.Just say the word. “My child died.”

Donna HastingsIn Memory of my son Galen Sean Rhoden

Grief Intelligence: A Primer For the past 25 years, I have worked with thousands of grievers. I have sat with widows and widowers, the young and the old. I have offered tissues to bereaved parents in their inconsolable grief. I have normalized, educated, listened to and championed those grievers who, through tremendous pain, still engaged with life.

In the decades since my book Transcending Loss was published, the grieving process has not changed. As I interact with grievers from aroundthe world, I am reminded of the universality of grief. And though each person has their own journey, still they share many common experiences.

Yet, still, I see and hear so much misinformation and confusion around grief. Principally, this comes from the widely-held myths that grief should be easy, that grief should be short, that grief has closure, that people should get on with their lives unchanged and that ongoing connection with the deceased is somehow pathological.

So, in trying to set the record straight, I'm offering seven principles in this primer on grief intelligence.

Most people don't learn these lessons until life thrusts them onto the roller coaster of major loss. However, if we can get the word out, then perhaps a new generation of individuals will feel more supported and understood when it is their time to grieve.

1. Grief is a normal reaction -- Grief is the natural emotional and physical response to the death of a loved one. Although our society desperately wants to avoid the messiness of deep sorrow, there is no way out except through the pain. Typical numbing techniques such as medications, alcohol and food are only temporary distractions to dull thepain.

Letting oneself grieve by going directly into the pain -- in manageable doses over a long period of time -- is healing. Avoiding the pain simply forces it to go deep into the heart where it subtly affects emotional andphysical health.

2. Grief is hard work -- Grief isn't easy and it isn't pretty. It involves tears, sleepless nights, pain, sorrow and a heartache that knocks you to your knees. It can be hard to concentrate, hard to think clearly, hard to read and easy to forget all the details of life that everyone else seems to remember. Grievers frequently feel that they're going crazy and they sometimes wish to die. This doesn't mean that they're actively suicidal, it just means that they're grieving. Cont.

3. Grief doesn't offer closure -- Closure is an idea that we like becausewe want to tie up our emotional messes with a bow and put them in the back of a closet. But grief refuses to play this game. Grief tends towards healing not closure. The funeral can be healing, visiting a gravesite can be healing, performing rituals, writing in journals and making pilgrimages can be personally meaningful and healing. But they will not bring closure. Closure is relevant to business deals but not to the human heart.

4. Grief is lifelong -- Although we all want quick fixes and short-term solutions, grief won't accommodate us. Many people want grief to be over in a few weeks or a few months and certainly within a year. And yet, manygrievers know that the second year is actually harder than the first. WhyBecause the shock has worn off and the reality of the pain has truly sunkin.

I let grievers know that the impact of grief is lifelong just as the influence of love is also lifelong. No matter how many years go by, therewill be occasional days when grief bursts through with a certain rawness.There will be days, even decades later, when sadness crosses over like a storm cloud. And likely, every day going forward will involve some memory, some connection to missing the beloved.

5. Grievers need to stay connected to the deceased -- While some might find it odd or uncomfortable to keep talking about a loved one after theyhave passed, or find it disconcerting to see photographs of those who have died, it is healthy to keep the connection alive. My heart goes out to a generation or more of grievers who were told to cut their ties to their deceased loved ones, to move on, almost as if they had never existed. Such unwitting cruelty! It is important to honor the birthdays and departure days of deceased loved ones. Their physical presence may begone, but they remain in relationship to the griever in a new way beyond form, a way based in spirit and love.

6. Grievers are changed forever -- Those who expect grievers to eventually get back to their old selves, will be quite disappointed. Grief, like all major life experiences, changes a person irrevocably. People don't remain unchanged after getting an education, getting married, having a baby, getting divorced or changing careers. Grief, too,adds to the compost mixture of life, creating rich and fertile soil. It teaches about living and dying, about pain and love and about impermanence. While some people are changed by grief in a way that makes them bitter and shut down, it is also possible to use grief as a springboard for compassion, wisdom, and open-heartedness.Cont.

7. Grievers can choose transcendence -- Transcendence has to do with gaining perspective, seeing in a new way and holding pain in a larger context. Seeing one's grief from a larger perspective allows it to be bearable and gives it meaning. For one, transcendence might mean reachingout to those who suffer. For another, it might mean giving to a cause that will benefit others. Grievers who choose transcendence recognize that they are not alone, that they share a common human condition, and that they are amongst so many who have experienced love and loss. They use their pain in a way that touches others. The pain is still there, of course, but it is transformed.

So I invite you to reflect on these grief principles, how they might be true for you and how they might be true for someone you know and love. Share and share again so that we might spread grief intelligence far and wide. Perhaps we can effect a change so widespread that grievers will know what to expect. Hopefully, we all can be comforted, in small ways, by that knowledge.By Ashley Davis Bush, Reprinted from Huffington PostIn Memory of my son, Brennan Murphy

The VoidI try to fill the void since you’ve been gone

But they are too many. because you were such a part of meTime is supposed to be a healer, but for me it is just a reminder

A time we laughed, we cried, we shared, a time we feltNow my feelings are of sorrow and loss and hurt

I need to find my way home, because I am aimless without youI need you to bring me back into the light so that I can see

Can you do that, can you make me see again?By David Rothman (For Jeff)

Valentine MessageI send this message to my childWho no longer walks this plane,

A message filled with loveYet also filled with pain.

My heart continues to skip a beatWhen I ponder your early death

As I think of times we’ll never shareI must stop to catch my breath.

Valentine’s Day is for those who loveAnd for those who receive love, tooFor a parent the perfect love in life

Is the love I’ve given you.I’m thinking of you this day, my child,

With a sadness that is unspokenAs I mark another Valentine’s Day

With a heart that is forever broken.Annette Mennen Baldwin

In memory of my son, Todd MennenTCF, Katy, TX

I’m SorryI’m sorry, I thought I knew.

I’m sorry you lost your child.Surely time will heal your hurt,

Your suffering, your pain.

I’m sorry, I thought I knew.How deep it must hurt.

The sadness of losing your child…The ache in your heart will go away.

“Oh, it will take time,You need to mourn, it is good for you.”“I’m sorry but it will get better.”

“I’ll be there for you.”

I’m sorry for how long it’s taking.I didn’t know you were still grieving

And your thoughts were consumedEvery moment of every day.

I’m sorry I didn’t know thatYou don’t get over it.

Time may soften the pain butYou never completely heal.

I’m sorry, for now I knowOf your true pain,Your true loss,Your true sorrow,

For I too have lost my child.Stewart Levett