The Boys of Bummer

7/29/2019 The Boys of Bummer

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GO ON

The Boys of Bummer

ByBetsy McNeely

WGA # 1378257


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ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. COMMUNITY CENTER (MEETING ROOM) DAY

Ryan and the group are seated in their circle. Present areLAUREN, ANNE, YOLANDA, OWEN, DANNY, FAUSTA, and SONIA.

RYANSo, as none of you know, Janies birthday isnext week.

The group gives a collective AW.

RYANThanks, but thats not my problem. Myproblem is that her father Frank is comingto town to visit her grave with me.

ANNESo what? I still visit Patricias grave.

SONIAI thought you were barred from the cemetery fordisrupting that funeral?

ANNEOnly when theyre open.

Mr. K gives her an exaggerated wink and two thumbs up. She

ignores him.

RYANFor some reason, whenever Im around him we getinto these crazy competitions. Its not like me.

OWEN

Dude, you compete with everybody.

RYANNo, only with people I know I can beat. Otherwiseits no fun.


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FLASHBACK MONTAGE INT. RECEPTION HALL

JANIE and her father FRANK dance at her wedding reception.After a couple of moments, Ryan steps up and cuts in. A momentlater Frank cuts back in. Ryan taps him seconds later, andsoon Janie is being spun between them like a top.

Janie and Ryans wedding toast turning into a chugging contestbetween Frank and Ryan. Frank wins.

Janie sitting on the side of the dance floor, glaring at Frankand Ryan, who are awkwardly dancing together, each trying tolead.

CUT TO:

INT. COMMUNITY CENTER (MEETING ROOM) CONTINUOUS

ANNEYeah, that is more pathetic than kicking the crapout of some bagpipers in a cemetery.

LAURENAnne, remember this is a judge-free zone.

SONIA(pointing at Anne)

Judged!

LAURENRyan, thats a very brave admission. But youvecome so far in here, Im sure it wont be a

problem. Youre the new Ryan now, and he canappreciate and respect the grief of others. But,just in case, I think I might have a solution foryou.

Lauren pulls a softball out of her bag and places itceremoniously on the table.

RYANThanks, but I really prefer squeaky toys.

LAURENI have signed us up for the community centersoftball tournament. Were playing AngerManagement.


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No one shows any enthusiasm.

LAURENCome on, guys. Itll be fun. Softball!Softball! Softb

She trails off as nobody joins in.

RYANOkay, if were done not chanting? I scheduledDonald Driver to be on my show next week. Frankhas been trying for years to get him on hisstation.

MR. KOoh, Donald the Line-Driver.

RYANNo, not baseball.

MR. KDriving that ball into that net.

RYANStop. Stop now.

MR. KDancin and Drivin.

RYANAnnnnd we have officially broken the stupiditymeter.

YOLANDARight. Now back to softball. Since, as you allknow I am allergic to my own sweat, everyone infavor of me being team captain raise your hand.

Nobody but Yolanda does.

RYANAnd everyone in favor of L.A.s favoritesportscaster being team captain, raise your hand.

Everyone except Yolanda raises their hands. They all get upand start doing what might be a spastic version of the chickendance, pointing at Ryan.


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LAUREN

Oh. Were dancing now? Oh. Um, okay.

Ryan jumps to his feet, joining in the dance.

RYANBoom, baby! And I hate softball. When I sayhate, you say softball. Hate!

The group enthusiastically joins in the chant.

GROUPSoftball!

RYANHate!

GROUPSoftball!

LAUREN(smiling but muttering)

Hate! Chanting!

Title: GO ON

INT. KBAL OFFICES RYAN IN BOOTH, ON AIR

Ryan is interviewing DONALD DRIVER.

RYANAnd were back. Were here today with Packers

all time receiving great Donald Driver. So, Don,youve just retired from a stellar footballcareer. Youve danced with the c-listcelebrities. Whats next for you?

DRIVERWell, Ryan, Im working on a project that I am

deeply passionate about. I heard about yourrecent tragedy, and that has inspired me to

Ryan isnt listening. He has spotted his father-in-law Frankat the window with STEVEN and CARRIE, and is waving andpointing at Driver. Frank nods slightly and smiles, thenapparently tells Steven and Carrie something uproariouslyfunny. Frank keeps pointing at Ryan; its clear that Ryan is


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the butt of a joke. Driver keeps speaking, though inaudibly,while we hear the thoughts in Ryans head.

RYAN (V.O.)Thats right. Yuk it up, you smug bastard. ButIve got Donald Driver. You wanted him, I gothim. You wanted him, I got him. You yeah, the

whole chanting thing really only works with agroup.

DRIVER(finishing)

and thats why Im so excited about this newventure.

The interview ends, Driver and Ryan take their headphones off,then step out of the booth and approach Frank. Driver and

Frank hug. Ryan looks surprised.

DRIVERFrank! Hey, boss. Didnt expect to see you here.

FRANKHappy coincidence, Don.

RYANBoss?

FRANKYes, Ryan. Werent you listening? Don here isgoing to be hosting a show for us called Dancinand Drivin. Isnt that great?

DRIVERYeah, Im gonna give dance tips combined withrush hour traffic reports. You know, take theedge off some of that road rage. Nobody can beangry when theyre thinking about dancing.

RYAN

Oh, I wouldnt be too sure about that.

FRANKAt least I know how to follow a lead.

RYANGood to see you too, Frank.


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They hug, a little too hard, each one awkwardly trying to holdthe embrace a little longer than the other.


The group is seated in their circle.

LAURENRyan, I know its difficult to give up oldhabits, but youve got to keep trying.

RYANI am trying. Im trying harder than anyone here.Im trying to find a way to outdo Frank at thegravesite tomorrow, and none of you are helping.

ANNE

God, its like looking in a mirror.

LAURENExactly my point.

FAUSTAOoh. I know. I has a cousin who can helps you out.He do something very special for you.

RYANThanks Fausta, but I think another liverwurstbust would just be tacky.

SONIALauren, can I try a little experiment

with Ryan?

Mr. K perks up eagerly at this.

RYANIm right here.

LAUREN

As long as it involves staying fully dressed.Remember we talked about that?

Mr. K deflates.


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SONIARyan, I overheard the anger management groupsaying that their captain was better than ourcaptain.

RYANWhat? Thats ridiculous.

SONIAYeah, they said our captain was a big crybaby, andtoo depressed to care about the game.

Sonia winks at the group. Lauren starts to interject, but Soniashushes her.

RYANCrybaby? Me?

The group sees what Sonia is trying to do, and joins in.

YOLANDAYeah, I heard them too. They called you a(whispers) pussy.

DANNY(cheerfully)

I think I heard the words gas bag, too. Or wasit fart blossom?

The group nods in agreement.

RYANIll show them whos a far a pussy, and give

them something to get angry about when weannihilate them, am I right?

FAUSTASi! We crush them like angry cucarachas.

She stomps her foot and makes a smashing gesture with her heel

that makes everyone wince.

LAURENNow, come on, gang. A little healthy competitionis one thing, but lets not get nasty.


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RYANNasty? Lauren, who was your rival in WeightWatchers?

LAURENWeight Watchers? I didnt have a rival. We wereall extremely supportive of each other.

RYANSo there was no one who always managed to edge youout of being the top loser every

LAUREN(blurting)

Pamela Beever. She always claimed that it was toohot in the meeting room, and would show up wearingthese skimpy outfits so she could shave off an

eighth of a pound. I remember this one time--

RYAN--Theres that little green monster I knew waslurking in there somewhere. Now, imagine that

were going up against a whole team of Pamelas.

Mr. K smiles broadly.

RYAN (CONTD)Not you. (to Lauren) Shes dressed for SiberianChristmas and youre wearing nothing but a thong.

Are you really going to pass up the chance tostep on that scale?

The group starts dancing again and chanting Beever! Beever!

Ryan is startled for a moment, then grins and joins in.

EXT. CEMETERY DAY

Frank and Ryan stand reflectively over Janies grave. Theyeach hold ridiculously extravagant bouquets. After a moment of

silence, they start speaking without taking their eyes off thegrave.

RYANNice bouquet. A little on the small side, butnice.


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FRANKPeruvian Orchids. Special ordered. They were herfavorite.

RYANActually, gardenias were her favorite. She usedthem in her bridal bouquet, in case you didntknow.

FRANKOf course I know. I paid for it, didnt I? Sheonly used them because they were less expensive.She was always willing to settle for less thanthe best.

Ryan bristles. They place the flowers on her grave, eachtrying to get theirs more centered than the other. A moment

later, Frank waves to someone in the distance. A formallydressed string quartet come up and seat themselves around thegrave. They softly start playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

FRANK(CONTD)

Hope you dont mind. It was always her favorite.

RYANUntil she turned seven.

Frank gestures to the plots on either side of the grave.

FRANKNot a bad place to end up, all things considered.

RYANMy parents thought so. Theyre purchasing theplots on either side of us.

FRANKAfraid not. I bought em this morning. I dontwant my daughter spending eternity next to just

anybody.

RYANYes, so you mentioned. At our wedding. You know,Frank, my folks loved Janie like a daughter.

FRANKSo did I.


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Ryan has no retort for this.

FRANK (CONTD)I just wanted to do something special, to let herknow how much I still love her.

RYAN(deflated)

Yeah. Me too.

Ryan half-heartedly gestures up at the sky, where Faustascousin has skywritten Hoppy Barfday Cheney.

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE


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ACT TWO

INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT NIGHT

Ryan and Frank sit at the bar. A smiling sushi chef, TATSIO,stands ready to take their order.

RYANHope youre hungry, Frank. Tatsio here is thebest sushi chef in all of LA.

FRANKIm sure hes good, but nobody can beat Hiro backhome. You know, he was a little sweet on Janie.

Always catered to her like a queen.

RYANTatsio?

TATSIOHi?

RYANThis is Ms. Janies father, Frank. I want you to

make us two chefs choice dinners just like youused to for Janie and me.

TATSIO.Hi. Yes, Mr. Ryan. So very sorry about Ms. Janie.I make very special dinner, just for you.

RYAN

Frank, you are in for the meal of your life. ButI warn you, Tatsio here can get prettyadventurous. Dont feel bad if you cant stomachsome of his more exotic dishes.

FRANKDont you worry about me. They called me Old

Iron Guts in the Navy. I once ate a rat. Didnttaste anything like chicken.

RYANAnd I am not the least bit surprised by that. Butits not about guts. Its about a sophisticatedpalette. Its okay if youre not up to it.


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FRANKI tell you what. If I cant match you bite forbite, Ill let you have those cemetery plotsyoure so keen on.

RYANWhy, Frank, Im shocked. I wouldnt dream of itunless, of course, you insist.

FRANKGod, youre more transparent than a carton ofSaran Wrap, you know that? How did Janie put up

with you?

RYANEasy. We both agreed that she was always right.So, is it a deal?

FRANKJust let me un-button my pants, and then let herrip.

RYANAnd theres a phrase I can never un-hear.

INT. KBAL (RYANS OFFICE) DAY

Ryan is finishing a phone call when Steven and Carrie walk in.Carrie hands Ryan a paper.

RYANWhats this?

CARRIEFranks dry cleaning bill. Tatsio said hed faxhis over this afternoon. Gotta hand it to youboss, when you blow, you blow big.

Ryan angrily hangs up the phone.

STEVENCemetery again?

RYANYeah.


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CARRIEPity angle still not working?

RYANNope.

STEVENTold you again that things were dead all over?

RYANOnly I could find an undertaker who moonlights asa stand-up. He seems to think that just becausesomebody gives you money for something, it meansthey own it. What am I gonna tell Mom?

CARRIEThat she shouldve put down a deposit?

RYANCarrie, the woman just lost her daughter-in-law.Thats hard enough to deal with, withoutconfronting her own mortality. Nobody likes tothink about making those arrangements.

CARRIEI have.

RYANSeriously? Youre like, twelve.

CARRIEYou never know. Im being donated to science,then cremated and spread among the whales when

they migrate.

STEVENFamily plot in Ohio for me. Even have a headstonealready. Like I needed another reason not tovisit my family.

CARRIEFace it, boss. Frank beat you again.

RYANNo. Not this time. There has to be some way I canget those plots back.


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STEVENToo bad youre such a lousy poker player. Maybeyou could win them back that way?

RYANThis from the guy who makes faces like hespassing a kidney stone.

Ryan makes an exaggerated face as an imitation.

STEVENWhat? Thats what makes me so awesome. Nobody canread me.

RYANRight. Except for that flashing neon sign overyour head that says IM OFF MY MEDS.

Carrie starts self-consciously backing out of the office. Ryannotices and stops her.

RYANHowever, Steven, I think my little assistant here

may be Texas Holding out on us.

CARRIEIts Texas Hold Em, and I dont want to getinvolved. I like Frank.

RYANAnd do you like your job?

CARRIE

Youre bluffing. Your right eyebrow always goesup when youre bluffing.

RYANHa! I knew it!

STEVEN

You dont need her, bro. Ill be happy to be yourringer.

Steven makes a face like hes having a difficult bowelmovement. Carrie and Ryan exchange a look, and she caves.

CARRIEWhat time should I be there?


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EXT. BATTING CAGE DAY

Ryan and Frank are hitting balls.

FRANKTeam captain, huh? Man, they must really bedesperate.

Frank takes an excellent swing, the ball goes flying.

RYANOr maybe they appreciate the wealth of sportsknowledge that is yours truly?

Ryan swings and misses.

FRANKMaybe they heard about your weak gag reflex theother night, and just feel sorry for you?

RYANHow many times do I have to tell you? I amallergic to food that can crawl back up my throat

while I try to swallow it?

FRANKSo tell me more about this group. They reallyhelping you?

RYANI didnt think so at first, but yeah, they are.

FRANKThink theyd mind if I sat in?

Frank takes another powerful swing, and connects.

RYANOh, Frank, I dont know. Its a very tight knit

group, Im not sure how comfortable theyd bewith be an outsider.

FRANKAfraid theyll like me better? Maybe want me tobe team captain?


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RYANLike you better than their favorite? Not likely.

FRANKSome favorite. A guy who couldnt connect withthe ball if it was glued to his bat? They musthave pretty low standards.

As if to make Franks point, Ryan swings and misses. Again.

RYANNo, they just understand what a powerful loss Imdealing with, and are trying to help me throughit.

FRANKUh-huh. Well, what do you say we make it

interesting? Take me to this group of yours, andif they dont want me for team captain over you,Ill sell you those plots.

RYANThats a suckers bet, Frank. Ill take it.

Ryan swings and finally connects, though the ball goes off in acrazy direction, and a moment later someone is yelling in pain.

RYAN (CONTD)(calling off and pointing to Frank)Sorry. Hes a little rusty.


The group is seated in their circle. Frank is also present.

LAURENEveryone, Id like you to welcome Ryans father-in-law Frank to the group today.

Everyone smiles and nods at him.

LAUREN (CONTD)I must say, Frank, this is a first for our group.Having two family members dealing with the sameloss.

FRANKIts not really the same loss.


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RYAN

Annnd here we go.

FRANKHe just lost his wife. I lost my little girl. She

was my whole world.

RYANWell, I

ANNEOh, put a cork in it, King. Cant you see the

mans suffering?

RYANAnd Im not?

LAURENRyan, I think what Anne is trying to say is that

weve been dealing with your issues for some timenow. Maybe this is a new and helpful experiencefor Frank?

FRANKThank you Lauren, is it? Lovely name. But Idont want to take up everyones time. Im sureall of you have more pressing issues. Please,just forget Im here.

The group urges him to go on. He does, and though they hang onhis every word, theres a bit of a rehearsed quality to hisspeech.

FRANK(CONTD)

How can you describe the feeling when you outliveyour child? Thats not the way its supposed tobe. I cant breathe sometimes. It just feels

well like the sun went out.

LAURENOh, Frank, what a beautiful sentiment. You know,I think theres a certain son-in-law of yours whocould learn a thing or two from you about sharinghis feelings.


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RYANAgain, right here.

FRANKNo, Lauren, this isnt about me. Or him. This isabout your wonderful group. Am I to understandyou have a softball game coming up? I dont liketo brag, but I did letter in baseball in highschool.

RYANYes, back when you walked your pet dinosauraround the tar pits.

Sonia swats Ryan.

RYAN (CONTD)

Ow. Whats with the hitting?

FRANKPerhaps I could be of some help to you?

The group enthusiastically agrees.

YOLANDAI call being on Franks team!

LAURENNow wait a minute

RYANExcuse me. Team captain over here.

FRANKOh, are you? I didnt realize. Well, then, Idont want to overstep my bounds.

ANNEI call Ryans team.

LAURENGuys, theres only one te

The group quickly chooses sides, with Yolanda, Fausta, andSonia on Franks side, and Danny, Owen and Anne on Ryans.Mr. K bursts into song, singing to the tune of Anything YouCan Do I Can Do Better


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MR. KAny pain you can feel, we can feel deeper. Wecan feel any pain deeper than you.

LAURENOkay, Im not the sure the singing is

Fausta, Yolanda and Sonia chime in.

FAUSTA/YOLANDA/SONIANo you cant.

Anne, Danny and Owen answer back.

ANNE/DANNY/OWENYes we can.

FAUSTA/YOLANDA/SONIANo you cant.

ANNE/DANNY/OWENYes we can.

Lauren speaks, trying to defuse the situation.

LAURENNo. You cant--

Ryan jumps up on his chair.

RYANYes I can!

FADE OUT

END OF ACT TWO


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ACT THREE

INT. RYANS HOUSE NIGHT

Ryan answers the door while Steven and Carrie finish settingup chairs for the poker game. Anne, Mr. K, and Sonia enter,each handing Ryan something as they do. Ann hands him a box ofcigars, Sonia hands him chips and dip, and Mr. K hands him aratty looking Hello Kitty doll. Ryan is reluctant to touch it.

Frank enters from the kitchen, carrying a lavish tray of freshfruits, veggies and exotic cheeses. Sonia looks self-consciously at her chips and dip.

SONIA(to Ryan)

Yeah, Im starting to see your point about this

guy.

Everyone settles into their seats at the table.

RYANThis should be fun. Just a friendly game of pokeramong total amateurs.

Ryan nods at Carrie, who takes the cue to do an elaborateshuffle before dealing.

MONTAGE

The game progresses, with no clear winner or loser. Everyoneis enjoying the company and conversation, except for Steven,

who keeps making faces more contorted than the last as he

examines his cards.

ANNE(smoking a cigar)

Its the little things that trigger it, you know?Like, the other day a woman walked past me at the

mall, wearing Patricias perfume. I followed her

around for an hour, just inhaling. Call.

MR. K.Just make sure you do it between three-forty-fiveand four. Thats when the shift change for mallsecurity happens. I found that out the hard way.Check.


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CROSS FADE TO:

SONIAAnd then, after I finally got the treadmill overto the other side of the room, what do I find butCinderellas favorite mouse.

CARRIEAw, thats so sweet. My cat has one of thosecatnip mice too. Drives him nuts. Raise youthree.

SONIANo, this was an actual mouse. They were friends.I guess he just missed Cinderella so much that hecrawled off and died.

RYANNext week, on a very special episode of Hoarders

Steven is about to pop one of Sonias chips with dip into hismouth, stops, slowly puts it back.

CROSS FADE TO:

FRANKOne time, when Janie was about four, she decidedthat she wanted bangs like Cinderella. Somehowshe got a hold of some scissors and decided to doit herself. Right down to the scalp. When I sawher standing there with that pile of hair at herfeet, she grinned up at me and said Its okay,Daddy. You can put it back now.

RYANYou know, Ill never forget the time I took Janieto London for the royal wedding. It was oursecond honeymoon. A princess for a princess.

Anne smacks him.

ANNEFor the love of God, would you give it a rest?

CROSS FADE TO:


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The last hand of the game. Judging by the pile of chips infront of him, Frank is the big winner of the night. Everyoneclosely examines their cards, and glances around at theothers. Steven keeps making his ridiculous faces.

ANNEIm out.

SONIAMe too.

RYANCarrie?

CARRIESorry, boss. I got nothing. Fold.

FRANK(to Steven)

What about you, seizure boy?

Steven makes his most outrageous face of the night, then givesup.

STEVENSorry, Ryan. My face is starting to hurt. Fold.

RYANWell, Frank, that just leaves you and me.

Mr. K loudly clears his throat.

RYANSorry. You, me and the Ambassador from Saturn.What do you say we up the stakes?

FRANKI was wondering when you were going to get aroundto that. Lets say I do put up the plots. What do

you have of equal value?

RYANHow about an electronic billboard on Sunset,advertising for your station?

STEVENRyan! Are you nuts? You could be fired for that!


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RYAN

Indeed I could, my spastic friend. So? How boutit?

MR. KI see your billboard and raise you my cryogenicpod.

RYANSeriously? You have one of those?

FRANKYoure on, son.

Ryan dramatically reveals his hand.

RYANFull house, queens over jacks.

FRANKNice try. Straight flush. Now about that billb

MR. KGIN!

He reveals a royal flush, and gleefully sweeps up all of thechips on the table.

EXT. COMMUNITY CENTER SOFTBALL FIELD - DAY

The group is seated on the bench, waiting for Frank and Ryanto tell them their positions. Mr. K is dressed in an elaborate

old-fashioned baseball uniform.

FRANK/RYANAnne!

ANNEHere.

FRANKYoure playing

FRANK RYANLeft field. Second.


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RYAN

Danny, youre playing

FRANK RYANCenter. Third.

ANNEOh, for Gods sake. Ill take center. Frank, youtake left, and King, you take right. Owen, youreon third, Danny on second, and Lauren on first.Now lets get out there and kick some angry butt!

Frank and Ryan are cowed by this as they head off to take theirpositions. As Ryan and Danny trot out on the field:

RYAN

Huh. A lesbian who knows her softball. Whod haveguessed?

DANNYYeah, some stereotypes get started becausetheyre true.

SOFTBALL GAME MONTAGE

We see the makings of a disastrous game. A pop fly to centermakes Sonia, Fausta and Anne collide. Hard. The ball rolls outfrom under them as they lay sprawled on the field.

Danny, playing second base, politely steps out of the way forthe runner sliding into the base, then helps him up. Once up,the player kicks him in the shins.

Yolanda bunts and wouldve gotten on base if she didnt refuseto run and risk breaking into a sweat.

CROSS FADE TO:Miraculously the group is only down by one and its the bottomof the ninth. Lauren and the team are on the bench, looking

weary and disheveled. The Anger Management team leader callsover to her.

TEAM LEADERGotta hand it to you, Lauren. Your bunch is sure

making it easy for us.

Lauren makes an obscene gesture that Ryan tries to stop.


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LAUREN

BITE ME, BEEVER!

RYANWhoa. You mean thats?

LAURENYeah. Why do you think I wanted this match sobadly? I just want to go over there and slap thatsmirk off her formerly fat face!

RYAN(calling off)

Can I get a saucer of milk for our group leaderover here?

MR. KHey guys, guess what? Ive been doing somecalculations, and we could actually win thisgame!

From the groans and eye-rolling its clear that nobodybelieves this.

MR. KNo. Really. I tell you what: Frank, Ryan? If Youguys work together and help us win, theres acemetery plot in it for each of you. Just do me alittle favor, and theyre all yours.

RYANFavor? Well, as ominous as that sounds, Im in.

FRANKMe too. Lets get out there and really give themsomething to be pissed about!

Ryan suddenly jumps to his feet.

RYANFrank, what do you say we shuffle the battingorder?

FRANKI suppose we could lead with


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FRANK RYANMe? You.

MR. KSee? I knew you could do it. Ooh, can I go now?

Before they can stop him, Mr. K runs up to bat, gets a hit,and runs the wrong direction from home to third. As heapproaches third he opens his arms.

MR. KFREE HUGS!

He tackles the third baseman.

FRANKThats one out. I think.

RYANGo for it, Frank.

Frank steps up to bat, blasts one out over center field, andgets a triple. Mr. K, still at third, forces him into a grouphug with the third baseman, who then slugs Mr. K.

Yolandas up next, getting a meager hit, and is easily taggedout by the time she walks to first. Two outs.

Ryan is up. Everyone holds their collective breaths. Ryansperformance so far has been typical for him, which is to sayterrible.

He strikes out twice. Mr K. calls to him from third base, lays

down on the ground, crossing his hands over his chest like acorpse.

Ryan takes a deep breath, as does everyone on the bench. Heswings and literally knocks it out of the park. The groupgoes wild, Ryan rounds the bases. When he reaches third, Mr. Kcatches him up in a bear hug, and the two of them trot home.

The rest of the group pounces on them in triumph.

INT. COMMUNITY CENTER LOCKER ROOM LATER

Ryan and Frank are dressed only in towels, getting ready tohit the showers.


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RYAN

Frank, I owe you an apology. Ive been a totalass to you.

FRANKYes, you have.

RYANNot gonna make this easy for me, I see.

FRANKWhy should I? Youve taken everything from me.

RYANLook, if its that big of a deal, you can havethe plots. Mom can go next to my sister. Itll

drive her crazy. Win, win.

FRANKI dont give a rats ass about those plots, you

moron. Im talking about my only child.

RYANNow hold on. You know I had nothing to do withJanies death.

FRANKIf she hadnt been texting you, shed still behere. Now all I have is the thought of all thethings that will never be. Seeing her grow older.Having her comfort me in my old age. Grandkidsthat Ill never know. And all because of you.

Frank struggles to maintain control.

FRANK (CONTD)Youve just lost a spouse. You can remarry, stillhave kids, still have a long, happy life. Thethings I want, I can never have. I just wanted to

give you a taste of what thats like.

He loses his struggle and starts to cry. Ryan awkwardly putsan arm around him.


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RYANThat spouse youre referring to happened to be my

whole world too, Frank. She was the only woman Iever loved, and will always be the only woman Ilove that deeply. Women like Janie dont justhappen. They have to be cared for, nurtured intotheir full potential. Thank God she had a father

who understood that.

Frank slowly pulls it together.

FRANKI suppose she couldve done worse for a husband.You made her happy, though God only knows why.

RYANI see your backhanded compliment and raise you a

promise: if I ever do have kids, I want you to bea part of their lives. Will you do that for me?

FRANKYeah. Theyll definitely need all the help theycan get.

RYANAll right then. Truce? End of this stupidcompetition?

FRANKWhat competition?

They shake hands.

RYANYou win. Happy?

FRANKNo. But Im working on it.

RYAN

Yeah. Me too.

Frank slings his towel over his shoulder and heads off to theshowers. Ryan glances his way, then peeks under his own toweland grins, satisfied.

FADE OUT


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END OF ACT III


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END TAG

EXT. SUNSET STRIP NIGHT

The group stands staring up at a large electronic billboardwith a picture of a grinning Mr. K with his arm around astrained looking Ryan. The billboard reads K & King, Puttingthe K in KBAL! However, the text is unevenly sized and spaced,(apparently designed by Mr. K), with the letter K being largerthan the other text, making it look like Putting the K K Kin KBAL.

YOLANDAUm its

OWENWhacked. Seriously.

ANNESo how long is that gonna stay up there?

RYANTwo weeks. One week like this, and then one week

where it explains that I lost a bet.

SONIAI think thats pretty obvious.

The group nods in agreement.

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW

The Boys of Bummer

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Transcript of The Boys of Bummer