The Birds and the Bees Episode 3

8/3/2019 The Birds and the Bees Episode 3

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Screenplay


2/25

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

1 COUNTY JAIL CELL, EARLY EVENING - (DAY 4) 1

(PRISONER 1, PRISONER 2, PRISONER 3, DOUGIE, AGNUS, COP 1)

(Dougie is sitting down on a bench when PRISONER 1 comesover to sit down.)

PRISONER 1That seats taken.

DOUGIEIm sorry, I didnt know it was.

(Dougie slides over.)

PRISONER 1That seats taken too.

DOUGIEIm real sorry.

(Dougie slides over.)

PRISONER 1Are you deaf?

DOUGIE

Last time I checked, no.

PRISONER 1I said the seats taken.

DOUGIEOh, you mean the whole thing? Whydidnt you say so? Its all yours.

(Dougie walks over to PRISONER 2, and PRISONER 3.)

PRISONER 3Hey fresh meat.

DOUGIEYou talking to me?

PRISONER 2Yeah, whatcha in for?

(CONTINUED)


3/25

CONTINUED: 2.

DOUGIECan you believe it?

PRISONER 3Believe what?

DOUGIECan I tell the story please!

PRISONER 2Alright man, we dont want anytrouble.

DOUGIEIts cold. I mean, Im cool. Butlike I was saying about this girl.

PRISONER 3What about this girl?

DOUGIEI said woman! She asked me formoney, but I said Im not down withthat, Jack.

PRISONER 2Man. Your cold blooded.

DOUGIEHey, Im AB positive.

PRISONER 3

You alright with me man.

DOUGIEWhats that other guy in for?

PRISONER 2Well, word on the street is, hekilled his whole family.

DOUGIEHis whole family?

PRISONER 3I dont even want to talk aboutwhat he did to his grandpa.

DOUGIEWhat did he do to his grandpa?

(CONTINUED)


4/25

CONTINUED: 3.

PRISONER 3Im not real sure, but I heard ittook a month to clean up.

PRISONER 2I heard that when he was caught, he

still believed that he was speakingto his family.

DOUGIEBut you said theyre all dead.

PRISONER 3They are.(Points to Prisoner1.)Look. Hes doing it again.

(Prisoner 1 is sitting on the bench talking to himself.)

PRISONER 1

Im real sorry momma. Not nowdad. I said shut up!

(Agnus, and Cop 1 walk in.)

ACT ONE END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT TWO

COP 1Hey, quiet down ladies! Theres areal lady in the house.

AGNUSDont get any ideas boys. I have aguy upstairs thats just right forme.

DOUGIEMom?

PRISONER 1Agnus?

AGNUSPauly is that you?

DOUGIEYou know my mom?

(CONTINUED)


5/25

CONTINUED: 4.

PRISONER 1Yeah. We go way back to highschool. How have you been?

AGNUSYour looking at him. You?

PRISONER 1Well, my guidance counselor told methat I would probably end up injail someday.

DOUGIEThats horrible, but very real.

PRISONER 1I wish I could talk to him now, andtell him how right he was.

PRISONER 1Well, they say I killed my family,but that cant be true, because Italk to them all the time.

AGNUSWow! Youre a real nut case,arent you?

COP 1Back up ladies.

(Cop 1 opens up the jail door, and points to Dougie.)

COP 1Lets go John.

DOUGIEIm not John.

AGNUSI should of never let you play withbarbies when you were little! Iknew it would only lead to trouble!

DOUGIEMom please!

AGNUSSorry, I didnt mean to offend youin front of your new boyfriends!

(CONTINUED)


6/25

CONTINUED: 5.

PRISONER 3You played with Barbies?

PRISONER 1I actually liked He-Man myself. Inever got one as a child, but I got

one later on.

DOUGIEThats great.

PRISONER 1Until I pulled his limbs off.

DOUGIEWow. Um, yeah. Childhood was funfor sure.(Whispers to Agnus.)Thanks for coming to get me.

(Cop 1 closes the jail door.)

2 INT. DOUGIES BEDROOM, LATER NIGHT - (DAY 4) 2

(DIANE, DOUGIE)

(Dougie undresses down to his boxers, and hops in bed, butis startled by Diane laying under his covers naked.)

DIANEOh, you scared me.

DOUGIEWhat are doing?

DIANEWhat does it look like Im doing?

DOUGIEIt looks like your laying in mybed.

DIANEI am, and guess what Im wearing?

DOUGIEPlease tell me you have somethingon.

DIANEI do have something on.

(CONTINUED)


7/25

CONTINUED: 6.

DOUGIEOh good...

DIANEDoes my birthday suit, you know,the way God made me count?

DOUGIEYou dont have any clothes on underthere?

DIANENope.(Shakes her head.)

DOUGIEWhy?

DIANEI heard you were in a little bit of

trouble, and thought you could usesome cheering up.

DOUGIEIm fine now, thanks.

DIANENo conjugal visit then, I suppose?

DOUGIEFirst off, were not married.

DIANE

Oh, are you proposing?

DOUGIENot quite. Look, Ms. Stewart.

DIANEPlease call me Diane darling.

DOUGIEGood night Diane. I have worktomorrow.

DIANEFine. Party pooper.

(Diane gets up with the sheets wrapped around her, andleaves.)

DOUGIEDont worry. You can keep thesheets.


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7.

3 INT. DOUGIES BEDROOM, MORNING - (DAY 5) 3

(DOUGIE, AGNUS)

(Dougie rolls out of bed onto the floor, after his alarmsounds.)

DOUGIEIt was just a dream.(To Himself.)

(Agnus is standing over Dougie, and Dougie looks upstartled.)

AGNUSWhats just a dream John.

DOUGIEMom. What are you doing here soearly in the morning, and why areyou calling me John?

AGNUSIsnt that what all the ladies callyou? You know, the ones walkingthe street corner?

DOUGIEIm not a John or a Joe...

AGNUSYou doing drugs in my house JohnnyFingers?

DOUGIEJohnny Fingers? Who is JohnnyFingers?

AGNUSYou better not try pushing anythingin my house!

DOUGIEIm not sure what your talkingabout mom, but I need to get readyfor work.

AGNUSOh by the way, Mikes waiting foryou in the living room.

DOUGIETell him Ill be out in just amoment.

(CONTINUED)


9/25

CONTINUED: 8.

AGNUSJust remember that Im not takingcare of any street walker babies!

(Agnus exits.)

4 INT. DOUGIES LIVING ROOM, MORNING MOMENTS LATER - (DAY 5) 4

(DOUGIE, MIKE)

(Dougie walks into the living room, and sees Mike holding upa "Welcome Home" sign.)

DOUGIEI cant believe you set me up witha cop. She thought I was a pimp!

MIKE

I thought she thought you were aJohn?

DOUGIEOkay, John! Your missing thepoint! Why are you holding awelcome home sign?

MIKEI thought you might want to feelwelcomed home.

DOUGIE

I had to convince them that Iwasnt a guy named John, and toldthem the whole story about tryingto impress someone I like atwork. And pretending to picksomeone up, and...

MIKEWhoa, okay. Im really sorry, butat least you didnt become any onesgirlfriend.

DOUGIEI guess that that would all make itworthwhile.

MIKEOkay. I can see that you had along night, and you are a littleupset. Ill meet up with youlater.


10/25

9.

(Mike leaves.)

5 INT. THE POTATO MASTER, LATER MORNING - (DAY 5) 5

(LINDA, DOUGIE, TOMMY, MR. BUTTS, OLD MAN, OLD LADY)

(Linda, Tommy, and Mr. Butts are helping customers. Dougiewalks in for work.)

MR. BUTTSWelcome back jail bird Jones.

TOMMYDo they really have soap on a rope?

DOUGIENo they... Wait, how did you guysknow that I was in jail?

LINDAYour mom called.

DOUGIEIts not true at all. I mean...

LINDAProstitution huh?

MR. BUTTSYour a pimp daddy.

DOUGIEIm not a pimp daddy. Its all amisunderstanding.

TOMMYI think you need a feather in yourhat, or some type of polyester jumpsuit. So, Ive been told.

LINDARight. You talk about loose womenall the time.

OLD MANAre we going to get some help here?

OLD LADYCan it dear. I wanna hear thejuicy sauce from these youngpeople.

(CONTINUED)


11/25

CONTINUED: 10.

MR. BUTTSIm really sorry about this. Weare usually very professional here.

OLD LADYAre you kidding me? In a dump like

this. We only came because thepotato soup is good, and easy formy husband to chew.

OLD MANI seem to use my teeth just finewhen you need them.

LINDAI think Im going to be sick.

OLD LADYHell, when you reach my age. There

is always an itch to scratch.

(Old Lady points to Tommy.)

OLD LADYHey, didnt you go up on stage, andtry to dance at the Cats Tail theother night?

TOMMYI dont know what your talkingabout. I dont know what theirtalking about.(Says jokingly.)

(Mr. Butts hands the couple their food, and they leave.)

(Dougie notices that everyone is staring at him.)

DOUGIEWhat?

LINDAYour mom said you were turning somewomen out on the street corner.

DOUGIEThats not true at all.

MR. BUTTSHey. Just remember that this is anice, upscale, establishment. Now,if you would excuse me, Im goingto put more air fresheners in theurinals.

(CONTINUED)


12/25

CONTINUED: 11.

(Mr. Butts exits.)

TOMMYI think Dougie might behigh.(Whispers to Linda.)

LINDAHow would you know that?(Whispersto Tommy.)

DOUGIEWhy are you guys whispering to eachother?

TOMMYYour mom told us to keep an eye onyou, and I found this near yourstuff.

(Tommy holds up a bag filled with green stuff.)

ACT TWO END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT THREE

DOUGIEIve never seen that bag before inmy life.

TOMMYLikely story! The fingers are onthe evidence. The pot called thekettle black. The big cheese hascaught the mouse.

DOUGIEThe kettle... The bigcheese? What are you talkingabout?

(Tommy puts his hand on Dougies shoulder.)

TOMMYAdmitting it brings you closer tothe road of recovery.

DOUGIEIm not an addict, dealer, or drugpusher!

(CONTINUED)


13/25

CONTINUED: 12.

(Mr. Butts walks over.)

MR. BUTTSWhats all the noise about. I seepeople prancing around, and notworking.

TOMMYMaybe your a little...

MR. BUTTSDont even suggest it! Now, can wefind something to do? Wait, thatsnot what I think it is?

(Mr. Butts grabs it, opens, and smells it.)

MR. BUTTSWhy is my bag of...

DOUGIEI can explain Mr. Butts.

MR. BUTTSExplain how my secret spices endedup here, where the world could see.

DOUGIEWait, what?

TOMMYOh, thats your stash? I mean

spices.

MR. BUTTSOh course it is. What did youthink it was?

LINDAOh, come on. They thought it wasthe green monster.

TOMMYThe green monster. I would call itthe green mellow monster.(Makessoft growling noise.)

MR. BUTTSYou thought it wasmarijuana.(Laughs to self.)Its mysecret spice.

(CONTINUED)


14/25

CONTINUED: 13.

LINDAHe actually thought it was Dougiessecret stash.

MR. BUTTSYou have a secret stash! What your

mother was saying was true then?

DOUGIEI dont have a secret stash, and Idont do drugs!

TOMMYYou have been acting kind ofstrange lately. Do you want toexplain why?

DOUGIEIm not sure what you mean. Oh

look, a customer.

(Dougie walks over to help a customer.)

MR. BUTTSWe have to find out what hes upto.

TOMMYThis is cool. Were like spies, orsome cool detectives.

LINDA

More like dumber, and dumber.

6 INT. DOUGIES LIVING ROOM, EARLY EVENING - (DAY 5) 6

(DOUGIE, AGNUS, DIANE, CAROL, MIKE)

(Dougie walks in. Diane, Carol, Mike, and Agnus are playingcards at the table.)

AGNUSHey look everybody! Its JohnnyRocket, maybe he has a hooker inhis pocket.

DOUGIEThats so funny, I thought youcould die. Ill give the eulogy.

(CONTINUED)


15/25

CONTINUED: 14.

AGNUSOh, dont be so sensitiveNancy.(Puts cards down.)Flush.

CAROLThats what they had to do for my

cousin Arnie.

MIKEA eugology speech?

CAROLNo, hes not dead. He just neededa flush of his colon.

MIKEWow, thats more than I needed toknow. Whose deal is it?

DOUGIEHey Mike, I thought I was meetingyou at your place?

MIKESomething came up, and its a pairof ladies.(Throws cards on table.)

DIANEIs this an exclusive mens club, orcan women join the party?

AGNUS

Dougies having girl problems, andIm not talking about the monthlyone.

DIANEI could help him with that.

MIKEYeah, he has a crush on a girl atwork, and Im helping him...

DOUGIEGo to jail! Because thats whathappened! They thought I was apimp, or some guy named John!

MIKEHey, I said I was going to takecare of you right?

(CONTINUED)


16/25

CONTINUED: 15.

AGNUSYou jabbering Susies going to talkall night, or are we playing cards?

MIKEYou told me to help him.

AGNUSOh yeah, thats right. Anteup. My ladies are hot, and Im nottalking about the last pair I got!

MIKEI dont even want to know what thatmeans.

DIANEYou gonna stand there all dayhandsome, or are you going to joinus.

CAROLDo you know how to play this game?

DOUGIEYeah, I learned it online aftertalking about it in my wizardsworld chat room.

AGNUSNo wonder why your such a chickmagnet.

DIANEI think its kind of sweet.(Pullsthe chair out for Dougie, but patsher lap.)I have a winners chair foryou right here.

DOUGIEThats actually your lap, but I seethe chair open next to you.

(Dougie sits down.)

DIANEDont worry. I dont bite much, Iforgot my teeth.

DOUGIEThanks for the offer Diane. Andthanks mom for telling people atwork what happened.

(CONTINUED)


17/25

CONTINUED: 16.

AGNUSYour welcome. Just looking out foryour best interest.

DOUGIEYeah, like the time you told the

principal of my middle school thatI needed an extra two meals duringlunch, or I was going to go intosugar shock.

AGNUSYou got free lunches for the restof your time at the school right?

MIKEWow. I wish I had a mother likeyou.

AGNUSThank you. See! Someoneappreciates me around here! Yourdeal.

(Agnus hands Dougie the cards, and he shuffles.)

DOUGIEI do appreciate you mom, but youtear me down every chance you get.

AGNUSI dont tear you down. Im give

you love, like the time I handedyou a flashlight when you were...

DOUGIEI call.(Puts down card hand.)A pairof sevens.

CAROLI got you.(Puts her card handdown.)Three ladies beats your pair.

MIKEI fold.(Throws in cardhand.)Wait? A flashlight when hewas?

DOUGIELet it go.

(CONTINUED)


18/25

CONTINUED: 17.

MIKEI wanna hear this.

AGNUSI was just being courteous. I hadto give him some mood lighting

during that special time when hewas a teenager.

DOUGIEThats exactly my point.

DIANEIts natural to explore ones body.

MIKEThats not even right, or natural.

CAROL

Why dont you just ask her outalready?

DOUGIEWho?

AGNUSWho do you think Sherlock?

MIKEWe should go over what you couldsay to her?

AGNUSHopefully it doesnt end you up inthe clink this time.

DOUGIEThe what? What are you talkingabout?

CAROLMen! You always think that youhave to come up with some reallygoofy line to get us.

DOUGIEThen what should I do?

AGNUSJust tap her on the butt, and saylets get this partystarted.(Laughs to self.)

(CONTINUED)


19/25

CONTINUED: 18.

DOUGIEUm, no.

CAROLHi. I think your cute. Would yougo out with me?

DOUGIEIm not really your type. I mean,your not my type.

AGNUSShes not asking you out spud king.

CAROLI think thats how you shouldapproach her. Or find some commonground, and then ask her.

MIKE

Yeah, common ground.

AGNUSWay to chime in there Dr. Love.

DIANEWe could practice.

DOUGIEIm not sure...

AGNUSKnew you didnt have the brusselsprouts. Just like your deaddaddy.

MIKEThats a horrible thing to sayabout Dougies dad.

DOUGIEThanks for sticking up for me...

AGNUSOh, put a sock in it! His dads

not dead!

ACT THREE END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT FOUR

(CONTINUED)


20/25

CONTINUED: 19.

DOUGIEWait? Did I just hear youcorrectly? Did you say that mydads not dead?

AGNUSOf course hes not dead!

DOUGIEBut you said he was.

AGNUSI said he was a dead beat. Thatbum ran off with this floozy namedSusie!

TOMMYHey, that rhymed.

DOUGIE

Who is Susie?

AGNUSYour aunt.

DOUGIEHe ran off with your sister, myaunt.

AGNUSYeah. You catch on quick.

DOUGIEWell, thanks for telling me.

(Dougie gets up, and leaves.)

AGNUSWhats gotten into him?

7 INT. DOUGIES BEDROOM, MOMENTS LATER EVENING - (DAY 5) 7

(DOUGIE, DIANE, MIKE)

(Diane is knocking at Dougies door, and then walks in.)

DOUGIEI didnt actually say come in.

DIANEI wanted to see if you needed somecheering up, or a nice full bodymassage.

(CONTINUED)


21/25

CONTINUED: 20.

DOUGIEI think Im going to be goodthanks.

DIANEJust know that Im here for youokay?

DOUGIEThanks Diane.

(Diane leaves, and Mike walks in.)

MIKEKnock, knock.

DOUGIEI just want to be alone right now.

MIKE

Man. Your family is somethingelse. And your dad...

DOUGIEI know.

MIKEHe was a player. I mean, your mom,and sister.

DOUGIEWow!

MIKEIm just saying that its reallycool. You know, that your dad isstill alive. Ill let you be alonewith your thoughts.(Whispers toself.)What a player.

(Mike leaves.)

8 INT. THE POTATO MASTER, MORNING - (DAY 6) 8

(DOUGIE, TOMMY, MR. BUTTS, LINDA)

(Dougie, Tommy, and Linda are helping customers.)

TOMMYWhy do they call this apotato? Have you ever askedyourself that question before?

(CONTINUED)


22/25

CONTINUED: 21.

LINDANo. I cant say that I have.

DOUGIEIt grows in the ground.

TOMMY

You sir, are a genius.

DOUGIEOkay?

TOMMYIts the circle of life, dont youget it.

LINDAHe always gets like this when hewatches the discovery channel.

TOMMYYou laugh, but it has changed mylife forever. So many wonders.

(Mr. Butts walks over.)

MR. BUTTSI wonder why Im changing my mindabout giving you all raises.

TOMMYYou barely pay us minimum wage now.

MR. BUTTSHow about you barely go change thesoap dispenser in the womensrestroom?

TOMMYWhat if theres a lady in there?

MR. BUTTSJust knock three times on the door,and then walk in.

(Tommy knocks on the girls restroom door, walks in, andthen walks out quickly.)

TOMMYSomeone was actually in a stall.Im taking my break now.

(Tommy exits.)

(CONTINUED)


23/25

CONTINUED: 22.

MR. BUTTSYou two are in charge right now. Ihave something that I need tocheck. I mean do.

(Mr. Butts exits.)

LINDAYeah, hes got to go check hisinbox for that dating site hes on.

DOUGIEI didnt figure Mr. Butts was on adating site. I thought he wasmarried.

LINDAI thought so too, until I checkedmy email one day, and saw the mailorder bride page up.

DOUGIEI guess nobody likes to be alone.

LINDAI guess, but ordering people offthe internet like a menu in arestaurant. You dont, you know?

DOUGIEOh, you think I? No, I actuallyonly ordered a guide book forWizards World...

LINDAYou play Wizards World?

DOUGIEWhy...

LINDAI love that game!

DOUGIEWait, what? You play WizardsWorld?

LINDAIm a level 4 mage.

DOUGIEI cant believe you play. Want togo out sometime?

(CONTINUED)


24/25

CONTINUED: 23.

LINDASure.

DOUGIEI mean, you dont have to.

LINDAHello, I said yes. What do youhave in mind?

DOUGIEHow about dinner, and we can gocheck out this great gaming place Igo to.

LINDAI would love to.

DOUGIE

Then, its a date.

LINDAWhat level are you?

DOUGIEIm a level 10 mage.

LINDAWow. Thats so cool.

DOUGIEWhats cool is, I never thought

much of you as a gamer.

(Tommy walks back over.)

LINDAI do it all the time, well, when Ihave spare time. Im hooked.

DOUGIEThis guy is great over there. Hehas the best supply. Your going tobe hooked for sure.

ACT FOUR END

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

ACT FIVE

(CONTINUED)


25/25

CONTINUED: 24.

(Tommy runs in the back, startles Mr. Butts, and he quicklyshuts the computer.)

TOMMYYou wont believe what I justoverheard.

MR. BUTTSI wasnt doing anything! Wait,what?

TOMMYI think Dougies mom wasright. Now hes getting Lindahooked to.

MR. BUTTSWhat do you think we should do?

TOMMYWe have to follow them, and stophim from getting Linda hooked.

ACT FIVE END

FADE OUT:

END CREDITS

The Birds and the Bees Episode 3

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