APRIL 5, 2019

VOLUME 111 • ISSUE 22

THE BASTARDSEE PAGE TWELVE

BRYCE BRIDGEWATER ’19 | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF • The 2020 Student Body Presidential Candidates started campaigning weeks ago, and The Bachelor talked with each of the prominent candidates about their platforms. As such, the two main candidates for the 103rd Student Body President are Mohammad Dayem Adnan ’20, with running mate Corbin Landrum ’21, and Charles Esterline ’21, with running mate Christopher McNally ’21.

Adnan and Landrum are running to bring greater transparency to the student body through a number of different initiatives. “We’ll be working on hosting public forums every once in a while, where a representative of the senior staff, along with student representatives, will answer questions regarding campus issues,” Adnan said in an email. “We will have a transparency board that will devolve powers to students when it comes to events such as National Act and keep the on campus publications informed regarding matters the cabinet is working on.”

Other initiatives Adnan and Landrum

want to establish are focused on enhancing social life and creating more opportunities for students on campus. “We will create more events such as a festival on the mall with food trucks and dancing/singing organizations from other campuses to participate,” Adnan said. “We will coordinate with organizations such as IMA and IFC to create all-campus events that enhance night life for both fraternities and independents.”

One additional part of the campaign includes a scholarship provided to students who attended a professional development program. Finally, Adnan and Landrum aim to address the campus housing crisis through structural reforms. The campaign also has ideas for improving the functioning of the Audit and Finance Committee.

Esterline and McNally are running to lead every conversation of campus culture at Wabash. Both Esterline and McNally have extensive experience in various Student Senate committees. Esterline has worked on the Crawfordsville to Campus Committee since 2017, and McNally worked on the

National Act and Students Events committee. Their campaign is running on three main pillars: increasing communication, connecting independent and greek students, and creating a vibrant atmosphere at Wabash.

“Instead of using email as the main form of communication, we want to make a visual social calendar for students to have,” McNally said. “We are thinking about a social media student or Snapchat to make a video for what’s going on campus.”

Still, solving the greek and independent student divide is vastly important for the running duo. Esterline and McNally’s main goal is to build a better brotherhood at Wabash in order to keep guys on campus on the weekends.

“There’s always been some stigma, creating this division,” Esterline said about the need to imrove campus unity. “Once we graduate, we are one Wabash community. [Alumni] don’t just associate with Lambdas, Fijis, or Betas; we associate with all Wabash men. We want to increase the idea that we are one brotherhood with our presidency.”

Next, Esterline and McNally want to reform Student Senate positions. Mainly, the campaign believes a Press Secretary position should be created, where a non-voting committee takes on a Public Relationship role, as well as a Digital Media role. The goal of this initiative to increase communication about what is happening on campus for students to prepare for

“Our PR role is in charge of writing articles for The Bachelor so students have an understanding of what’s going on,” Esterline said of his PR plans. “The Digital Media director is in charge of creating files and handouts for events on campus itself. Right now, the secretary’s role is mainly in chamber, and that doesn’t help students here on the weekends if they want it.”

Both candidates will continue to campaign as the election rolls around. Ballots are released on Tuesday with results being announced at 7:30 p.m. on the Chapel steps on Thursday. Along with Student Body President elections, the ballot will contain representatives for individual classes.

Adnan and Esterline Vie for Student Body Presidency

COURTESY OF THE ESTERLINE AND MCNALLY CAMPAIGN

Charlie Esterline ’21 is Adnan’s opponent in the campaign, running with the slogan, “It’s a Movement.”

COURTESY OF THE ADNAN AND LANDRUM CAMPAIGN

Mohammad Dayem Adnan ’20 is running for Student Body President with the slogan “Your Voice Represented.”

HI-FIVESFIVE THINGS WORTHY

OF A HI-FIVE THIS WEEK

PURDUE CACTUS SWARM

Hi-Five to students of age who braved the Purdue swarm last Thursday at The Neon Cactus. At least you guys were sober for 8 AMs on Friday. That’s what happens when you make bad decisions.

WINTER SOLDIER

Not the Wally we deserve, but the Wally we need. On Sunday, Nick Winter ’21 aprehended several sketchy youth who were snooping around campus. After taking down the campus invaders, Winter donned a mask and cape and became the Scarlet Knight. Thank you for protecting us in a time of dire need.

FIJI CRISIS

Hi-Five for all the sympathetic, encouraging, and kind emails sent in response to the cry for help on the second floor of Fiji. We’ve all been there, and remember - everybody poops, but not everyone forwards sensitive emails to the student body.

PARKING PICKLE

Hi-Five to whomever created the graphic about parking on Wabash’s campus. Soon, the tallest structure in Crawfordsville will be the Leaning Tower of Cars that will rise in the FIJI parking lot, after the new Theta Delt house will be built at the intersection of Grant and Jefferson. We are looking for graphic design experts, as well as psychics and visionaries. If you are the author of this piece, you are invited to have lunch with us at the second floor of the Sparks Center, Tuesday at noon.

WEATHER HI-FIVES

Lo-Five to the guys at The Bachelor for using weather hi-fives whenever campus is dead. Can you not find joy and pleasure in seeing a rock gather moss behind Center Hall? Can you not at least talk about the thrill of writing, the joy of being an editor, or just watercooler banter? Even The Commentary does a better job than those guys. Seriously.

2 | WABASHCOLLEGEBACHELOR.COM | THE BACHELOR

BACHELOR301 W. Wabash Ave., Crawfordsville, IN, 47933Twitter: @WabCoBachelor_Instagram: wabashcollegebachelor

EDITOR-IN-CHIEFBryce Bridgewater • blbridge19@wabash.eduNEWS EDITORJake Vermeulen • jkvermeu21@wabash.edu

OPINION EDITORAustin Hood • aghood21@wabash.edu SPORTS EDITORPatrick McAuley • pbmcaule20@wabash.eduCAVELIFE EDITORBraxton Moore • bamoore19@wabash.edu

PHOTO EDITORIan Ward • ijward19@wabash.eduONLINE EDITORIan Ward • ijward19@wabash.eduCOPY EDITORBrent Breese • babreese19@wabash.edu

The purpose of The Bachelor is to serve the school audience, including but not limited to administrators, faculty and staff, parents, alumni, community members and most importantly, the students. Because this is a school paper, the content and character within will cater to the student body’s interests, ideas, and issues. Further, this publication will serve as a medium and forum for student opinions and ideas.

Although an individual newspaper, the Board of Publications publishes The Bachelor. The Bachelor and BOP receive funding from the Wabash College Student Senate, which derives its funds from the Wabash College student body.

Letters (e-mails) to the editor are welcomed and encouraged. They will only be published if they include name, phone, or e-mail, and are not longer than 500 words.

The Bachelor reserves the right to edit letters for content, typographical errors, and length. All letters received become property of this publication for the purposes of reprinting and/or redistribution. Profanity may appear in the publication, but only in cases of direct quote or if profanity is necessary to the content of the story. Please do not confuse profanity with obscenity. No article or picture of an obscene nature will appear in this publication.

The Bachelor is printed every Thursday at the Purdue Exponent in West Lafayette. It is delivered freely to all students, faculty, and staff at Wabash College. All advertising published in the Bachelor is subject to an established rate card. The Bachelor reserves the right to deny requests for publication of advertisements. Student organizations of Wabash College may purchase advertisements at half the listed rate.

The Bachelor is a member of the Hoosier State and Indiana Collegiate Press Associations (HSPA and ICPA).

PATRICK MCAULEY ’20 | SPORTS EDITOR • The College has been continuing the conversation about men and masculinity for the past year or so in an attempt to spark interest about what it means to be a man in today’s world. Dr. Theodore F. Cohen, a professor of anthropology and sociology at Ohio Wesleyan University for 35 years, visited campus this week to talk about some of his research.

“I went to graduate school at Boston University,” Cohen said with enthusiasm. “It was actually there in the early 1980s when there was a lot of discussion going on about men and saying: ‘Hey, men have gender, too.’”

It was during this time at graduate school when Cohen began to take more detailed and thorough looks at certain aspects of men’s lives, especially those centered around marriage and family life within traditional households. He most notably remembers certain projects involving men in the Boston area who had recently entered fatherhood. The university offered him the opportunity to sit down with many of them and ask questions about their new lives as fathers.

“From there it just seemed to me that there was a whole part of man’s experience that just was not being talked about,” Dr. Cohen said. “Mainly personal and private life.”

Cohen decided to explore even further after having these unique life experiences in his studies on manhood. He looked at flipped gender roles within households, specifically those where men play the domestic role while the women go out into the workforce. These studies illuminated differences between gender and structure in a typical household. It showed Cohen that women and men

both perform the same roles within a home, but the experiences of a man’s functions compared to a woman’s role creates differences in how they think about each other’s lives. Dr. Cohen’s talk at the College centered around some of these same ideas, but more so about how the conversation works on a college campus.

His talk focused on the experience of men on College campuses and how they perceive themselves and other male figures. Cohen spoke heavily about women on college campuses in today’s modern world, many of which outperform men when it comes to grades, class attendance, and other important areas. Additionally, he believes that men’s characteristics as individuals change the ways they interact on a college campus.

Cohen was also extremely interested in the development of gender studies programs at colleges and universities. He noted that schools such as Stoney Brook, Middlebury, Amherst College, Clark University, and various others possess modern classes that explore gender roles across the board. He mentioned the importance of gender studies in an academic environment, which further illuminated how students can learn empathy and other character traits through the study itself. Additionally, he believes the conversation about masculinity is strong here at Wabash.

His experiences at the College throughout the week were positive. He first encountered students when asking for directions, and he believes they acted in a gentlemanly manner when pointing him in the right direction. Cohen thinks that Wabash is a place where gender studies can grow and prosper. He sees the value in an all-male environment, especially at the College.

Chapel Talk Continues Conversation on

Masculinity

THE BACHELOR | WABASHCOLLEGEBACHELOR.COM | 3

NEWS

BENJAMIN HIGH ’22 / PHOTO

The Bachelor won several awards this past weekend at ICPA and placed 3rd in the Division III Newspaper of the Year category.

The Bachelor Shows Well at ICPABRYCE BRIDGEWATER ’19 |

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF • Last weekend, four of our editors traveled to Indianapolis to attend Indiana Collegiate Press Association’s (ICPA) Annual Awards program. Each year, ICPA gives out awards to various pieces published for the prior school year. This year, The Bachelor is proud to announce that 12 different Wabash student-journalists won awards at the event: Joseph Reilly ’18, Jade Doty ’18, Levi Garrison ’18, Joey Dierdorf ’18, Tucker Dixon ’19, Bryce Bridgewater ’19, Ian Ward ’19, Braxton Moore ’19, Corey Leuters ’19, Patrick McAuley ’20, Jake Chrisman ’20, and Jake Vermeulen ’21.

The Bachelor won awards in multiple different categories. Bridgewater, Leuters, and Dierdorf won first place in Best Sports Column, Best Entertainment Story, and Best Editorial Cartoon,

respectively. Overall, The Bachelor placed third in the Divison III Newspaper of the Year category. The Bachelor has won Division III Newspaper of the Year several times in the past, most recently in 2017. We are proud of the writers and editors and their dedicated commitment to student journalism as part of The Bachelor’s more than 110 year tradition.

In addition, The Bachelor congratulates Goshen College’s The Record on winning Division III Paper of the Year. Hats off also to Indiana University-Bloomington’s Indiana Daily Student and Indiana University Southeastern’s The Horizon for winning Division I and Division II Newspaper of the Year this year. The ICPA also held several sessions to help develop the skills of student journalists around the state at the event. COURTESY OF THE ICPA

The ICPA honors the best student journalists from around Indiana every year.

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NEWS

AUSTIN HOOD ’21 | OPINION EDITOR • This week, the Wabash Community celebrated the publication of Associate Professor of Rhetoric Jeff Drury’s forthcoming book “Argumentation in Everyday Life.” This book, released through Sage Publishing, is Drury’s second after 2014’s “Speaking with the People’s Voice.”

Unlike “Speaking with the People’s Voice,” which was primarily written for use as a scholarly resource among professional academics, “Argumentation in Everyday Life” is a classroom textbook. Drury wrote the book with the intent of bringing fundamental theories of argumentation into perspective with recent cultural developments.

“It’s a textbook designed for introductory courses in argumentation and debate,” Drury said. “The basic idea behind it is thinking about how people use argumentation in personal, professional, and public life. […] The examples cover a wide spectrum of situations, and the motivation really was to create a textbook that deals with issues college students today are facing. In particular, social media is an

area that a lot of existing textbooks had nothing to say about.”

Drury proposed the idea for the textbook to Sage Publishing in June 2016. He wrote most of the book in pubs and coffee shops in and around Edinburgh, Scotland while his wife, Rhetoric Department Chair Sara Drury, was working for a research fellowship at the University of Edinburgh.

“The rewarding part was that it was all stuff that I had been teaching for 15 years,” Drury said. “I had the content, and it was just a matter of packaging it in a way that was understandable for an audience to come. So, for me, the process was actually fairly quick.”

Drury began his career in Rhetoric education at Northern Illinois University, where he received a Bachelor’s Degree in Communication in 2001 and a Master’s in the same field in 2003.

“When I was a student I was on the debate team,” Drury said. “My coach asked me to stay on for two years as a Master’s student to help coach the team. I ended up teaching a class on public speaking at the

same time. I fell in love with teaching and decided to go on and get my PhD.”

After earning his Doctorate in Communication Arts at the University of Wisconsin-Madison in 2008, Drury taught at the Communication and Dramatic Arts department at Central Michigan University. He came to Wabash in 2012, a year after the arrival of his wife, Sara. He earned tenure in 2017.

His scholarly research covers a variety of topics, with a particular focus on advocacy and public discourse. Much of his background is in Presidential rhetoric, which is the topic of his first book. However, it is a field which has been turned upside down over the last couple years.

“Regardless of what you think of President Trump’s politics, the reality is that all the theories of Presidential rhetoric that have been established over the last 50 years are out the window now with him,” Drury said. “So I needed a hiatus from that.”

We at The Bachelor congratulate Professor Drury on this tremendous accomplishment, and look forward to many excellent future works!

Drury Publishes New Textbook on Argumentation

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NEWS

COURTESY OF COMMUNICATIONS AND MARKETING

Drury arrived at Wabash in 2012 after teaching at Central Michigan University

COURTESY OF AMAZON.COM

“Argumentation in Everyday Life” is Drury’s second book, following “Speaking with the People’s Voice” which was published in 2014.

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SPORTSBaseball Stumbles, Erich Lange ‘19 with solo

Homerun

WABASH: 2ALLEGHENY: 3SATURDAY, MARCH 30

WABASH: 3WITTENBERG: 15WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3

WABASH: 1WITTENBERG: 6WEDNESDAY, APRIL 3

PATRICK MCAULEY ‘19 | SPORTS EDITOR • The Wabash College baseball team travelled to Pennsylvania to take on the Allegheny Gators (8-7) in their sixteenth game of the 2019 season. Both teams struggled to see any success early in the game due to strong fielding and pitching. Wabash, however, eventually rallied hard late in the game, but their fight was not enough to take down the Gators, who captured the victory with a final score of 3-2.

“It was a big left hand who was get-ting on our hitters, and I think just seeing him a second or third time allowed us to put some swings on it,” Coach Martin said. “We made some good adjustments with our timing. It was just kind of a battle to get on base during the whole game.”

There were a number of Little Giants that contributed to the team’s success after the first few innings. Jackson Blevins ‘20 got on base after a hit in the fourth inning. Andrew Jumonville ’21 grounded out to the short stop, which allowed Blevins ‘20 to safely advance to second base. Blevins continued his strong base running on the next play, stealing third after Matt Annee ’21 saw a wild pitch go past him. Annee then singled down the middle, allowing Blevins to run home. This series of events put Wabash in the lead, 1-0, but was fol-lowed by a string of stagnant innings.

Allegheny rallied late in the seventh, with Jacob Budnar ’22 and Tommy Cannon ’19 of the opposing Gators exemplifying strong base running. Budnar pinch-ran for a teammate and eventually stole third base. Cannon was able to get on base after a walk,

which then led to a pair of hits from Luke Chutko ’21 and Keegan Phillips ’20. Both Budnar and Cannon scored to put the Gators in the lead 2-1. The Little Giants, however, possessed an answer to the problem.

One man stepped up to the plate and his name was Erich Lange ’19. Lange is now in his final season as a player for Wabash, and he was not messing around against Allegheny. He started off his strong at bats with a single to left field in top of the fourth, which allowed Matthew Annee ’21 to advance to second base. Following this hit, Lange returned in the top of the ninth with a homerun to left field, which then tied the score at 2-2.

“That was a big moment because you are down and in your last at bats. He put a great swing on one,” coach Martin happily said. “He has been hot lately at practice, and that was a big lift for us.”

Allegheny, nevertheless, returned in the bottom of the ninth to answer with more strong play. Cannon ’19 doubled to right field to start off the inning. Teammates Luke Chutko ’21 and Bret Kelly ’20 drew walks, load-ing the bases. This series of events led to a single to left center from Max Sessions ’19, which allowed Allegheny to score and win the game.

“We were really trying to create a force out play in that situation,” Coach Martin said. “They elevated the ball and did a nice job of getting it to the outfield players.”

In midweek action, the team faced Wittenberg at home for two games on Wednesday. Wabash was unable to gain any momentum in the first game, falling 15-3. In the second game, the Little Giants were able to take a 1-0 lead after a Jared Wolfe ‘19 RBI scored Mathew Annee ‘21. But, after looking as if the game was going to end in Wabash’s favor, Wittenberg’s offense came to life in the bottom of the eighth inning, scoring six runs and taking a 6-1 lead to close out the game. Return to next week’s edition to see full coverage of the team’s series against Wittenberg.

Wabash will play in four games this weekend, hosting Kenyon College for a 12 p.m. and 3 p.m. doubleheader at home on Saturday and Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology for another 12 p.m. and 3 p.m. doubleheader at home on Sunday.

UPCOMING GAMESSaturday, April 6 vs. Kenyon 12 p.m.Saturday, April 6 vs. Kenyon 3 p.m.Sunday, April 7 vs. Rose-Hulman 12

p.m.Sunday, April 7 vs. Rose-Hulman 3

p.m.Tuesday, April 9 at Anderson 6 p.m.

“That was a big moment...He has

been hot lately at practice... that was a big lift for

us.”COACH MARTIN

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SPORTS

Lacrosse vs. Earlham Photos

IAN WARD ‘19 / PHOTO

Jake Taylor ‘20 catches a pass from a teammate.

IAN WARD ‘19 / PHOTO

Tucker Dixon ‘19 scored his 100th goal against Earlham on Wednesday.

IAN WARD ‘19 / PHOTO

Joe Plencner ‘22 looks downfield for a pass.

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SPORTS

Player profile: Keith Owen ‘20Tennis Shuts Out ManchesterJOHN WITCZAK ‘21 | STAFF WRITER • The

tennis team was able to improve its season record to an even 8-8 on Sunday, after dismantling Manchester University by a margin of 9-0. The Little Giants were able to earn the victory without dropping a single set in either singles or doubles. “The match yesterday went as planned,” Andrew Denning ’20 said. “We took care of business against a team that we felt we were better than. Everyone in the line-up played super hard and took a win for the 9-0 sweep.”

The #1 doubles team of Patrick McAuley ’20 and Jordan Greenwell ’19 were able to win 8-2. The match began with a slew of strong serving from both players, as well as tight returns against the weaker Manchester team. The #2’s Andrew Denning

’20 and Duncan Roy ’19 were victorious in an 8-1 set. Roy ended the match with a high first service percentage, while Denning ‘20 took risks at the net by moving often. The #3 pairing of Lukas Senn ’22 and Nieshaal Thambipillay ’22 also came out on top in an 8-4 contest.

On the singles front, McAuley (6-1,6-1), Greenwell (6-0,6-0), and Denning (6-0,7-5) collected wins, while Thambipillay (6-1,6-0), Roy (6-0,6-0), and Senn (6-2,6-4) did the same. Greenwell finished his match in less than an hour as he dominated the court with his forehand over and over. Roy came out of the gate slicing returns, which ended up earning him a very quick win as well. Denning’s match was an example of true grit after he battled hard in the second

set to get the win. Freshman starters continued their strong play by competing with strong mental toughness and focus.

When asked how the squad would carry the momentum into their next match, Denning said, “Our next match is against [Ohio Wesleyan University]. We plan to use the grittiness on the court against Manchester as a building block to keep getting better. One of our team mottos is ‘Gritty not pretty’ and we plan to take that mentality into our next match.” With the team’s goal being to win the conference, the Little Giants will have to go on a winning streak, but if the match last Sunday serves as any indication, such a streak is right around the corner this year.

BLAKE LARGENT ‘22 | STAFF WRITER • With the Wabash soccer team posting a 34-16-6 regular-season record throughout the past three seasons, including appearances in three consecutive North Coast Athletic Conference tournaments, many would attribute this success to the four players named to the All-NCAC Team or the two players named to the All-Region First Team. Aside from the statistics and awards, defensive player Keith Owen ’20 thrives in making a difference behind the scenes.

“If there’s, like, a stats section, you’re not going to have much to fill that with,” Owen said. “Basically, I’ve probably played a game’s worth of minutes in the last three years, but I’m a big stand-on-the-bench guy. I stand the whole game, I don’t sit, and I’ll yell the whole game. I’m a mental guy. I try to make sure we’re having as much fun as we can and that we have the right mindset.”

For someone who has become part of the heart and soul of the soccer team the past three seasons, Owen’s love of soccer did not begin immediately. “I’m the youngest of three, so I basically just grew up going to my brother and sister’s soccer games,” he said. “I would sit there with my mom and get rolled up in a blanket like a burrito or run around the field. I was doing everything I could to not be there. Then I realized that I was going to be there whether I played or not, so I thought that I might as well just play.”

As a three-sport athlete participating in football, basketball, and soccer, Owen’s love of soccer eventually overtook the other sports. “I didn’t think the other two were as fun,” Owen said. “So, I decided I was going to play soccer all the time.” Even after playing soccer at Cardinal Ritter High School and earning three varsity letters, academic all-state, and all-conference honors while also being one of the captains of the team, Owen did not believe he would be able to continue to play soccer in college.

“My high school coach asked if I wanted to play soccer in college,” Owen said. “I didn’t think I could, you know? I didn’t think I was good enough. He said he could find a place, and he talks to Coach [Chris] Keller. Coach Keller, listening to him, tells us that Wabash is in one of the

PHOTO COURTESY OF COMMUNICATIONS AND MARKETING

Coach Hutchison talks to Andrew Denning ‘20 and Duncan Roy ‘19 during a changeover.

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SPORTS

Player profile: Keith Owen ‘20BLAKE LARGENT ‘22 | STAFF WRITER • With the

Wabash soccer team posting a 34-16-6 regular-season record throughout the past three seasons, including appearances in three consecutive North Coast Athletic Conference tournaments, many would attribute this success to the four players named to the All-NCAC Team or the two players named to the All-Region First Team. Aside from the statistics and awards, defensive player Keith Owen ’20 thrives in making a difference behind the scenes.

“If there’s, like, a stats section, you’re not going to have much to fill that with,” Owen said. “Basically, I’ve probably played a game’s worth of minutes in the last three years, but I’m a big stand-on-the-bench guy. I stand the whole game, I don’t sit, and I’ll yell the whole game. I’m a mental guy. I try to make sure we’re having as much fun as we can and that we have the right mindset.”

For someone who has become part of the heart and soul of the soccer team the past three seasons, Owen’s love of soccer did not begin immediately. “I’m the youngest of three, so I basically just grew up going to my brother and sister’s soccer games,” he said. “I would sit there with my mom and get rolled up in a blanket like a burrito or run around the field. I was doing everything I could to not be there. Then I realized that I was going to be there whether I played or not, so I thought that I might as well just play.”

As a three-sport athlete participating in football, basketball, and soccer, Owen’s love of soccer eventually overtook the other sports. “I didn’t think the other two were as fun,” Owen said. “So, I decided I was going to play soccer all the time.” Even after playing soccer at Cardinal Ritter High School and earning three varsity letters, academic all-state, and all-conference honors while also being one of the captains of the team, Owen did not believe he would be able to continue to play soccer in college.

“My high school coach asked if I wanted to play soccer in college,” Owen said. “I didn’t think I could, you know? I didn’t think I was good enough. He said he could find a place, and he talks to Coach [Chris] Keller. Coach Keller, listening to him, tells us that Wabash is in one of the

toughest conferences in the country and is a great team. Wabash was my only offer to play soccer. Which is weird, considering its higher tier.”

Owen originally planned to go to Indiana University, which is where his mother attended. But despite the dream to follow his mother’s footsteps at Indiana, Owen eventually decided he wanted to make Wabash his home. “So, the opportunity to play soccer, the small-school feel, and the financial aid was huge,” he said. “It was cheaper for me to come here than to go to IU.”

With Cardinal Ritter located on the outskirts of Indianapolis, a city with a population of around 872,680, compared to Crawfordsville’s population of around 16,174, adjusting from a big city to a small town can be difficult. But Owen believes his adjustment when coming to Wabash was not a large one. “My high school was a small school,” he said. “Ritter only has 450 or 500 kids, so going from 450 to 900 wasn’t too big of a change. I don’t know. I ate fast food there, I eat fast food here. I played soccer there, I play soccer here. I don’t think the transition here was very hard, but the soccer transition was definitely big.”

There is much more to Owen than his participation on the soccer team. He is a brother and the philanthropy chair at FIJI. Owen is also a member of the Sphinx Club, as well as the vice president of the Inter-Fraternity Council, where he oversees fraternity rush and other operations for the IFC. “A lot of my stuff is a ‘has been’,” Owen said. “I’ve been a treasurer for a couple of clubs, I used to be a chapel talk coordinator. I was the coordinator when the governor came. I’m also a big IM player. I love IM Basketball. I actually hit in, after the buzzer, an underhand half-court shot to ‘beat’ Lambda.”

When Owen isn’t involved in soccer or participating in on-campus activities, he enjoys the fast food located throughout Crawfordsville to relax. “I love the fast food scene. A lot of people are against it, but I love the simple life, eating a little McDonald’s or a little Arby’s, maybe some Pizza Hut.”

Owen also spoke of some other activities he enjoys. “I play a lot of FIFA,” he said. “I yell a lot. I love to play Fortnite and go places. I just like going around. I have

a lot of movie nights over at Lambda, I’ll go over there and watch with some buddies. I also love St. Bernard’s. The church is absolutely gorgeous, it just got renovated. I go over there and teach lessons to the high school youth group there. I don’t have a car, so I walk over there Sunday mornings. I love walking. Also, this might be one of my favorite things about Crawfordsville. After 9:30 at night, you can walk out and stand in the middle of the street for like five minutes and there are no vehicles. You can’t do that in Indianapolis.”

Owen is a religion major and education minor at Wabash, and plans to attend graduate school to earn a master’s degree in education. After Wabash, he wants to stay in the Midwest, listing the University of Dayton, the University of Notre Dame, and Saint Louis University as potential destinations for continuing his education. Owen also plans to become a teacher, as well as begin his own nonprofit organization. “I want to use [my teaching job] as my primary source of income and then start my nonprofit,” he said. “So, my idea for the nonprofit was that it’s a ranch rescuing animals, like horses or dogs, and then helping rehabilitate them and then using them to help people with anxiety, depression, or special needs.”

Before finishing his interview with The Bachelor, Owen closed with more statements about his role with the team. “So, I just think when we’re at practice, that’s my Super Bowl,” he said. “Not everyone has that mentality. You know, you have to rest guys. The hardest thing about Division III sports is that it’s so compact. We’ll have two or three games in four days. The day after the game, guys have to rest. Guys can get beat up. So, at practice, they’re all on the sideline watching me make plays. I just love to get after it. I’m also a big water-bottle-filled guy, you know? I would definitely be a bench All-American if we had those.”

While some may not see Owen’s hard work on and off the field, he has made a difference for others in his time so far at Wabash. As for the soccer team, he has become a big reason for the team’s recent success. And, still with one season left, Owen may just emerge from being a self-proclaimed bench All-American to a player receiving All-NCAC, All-Region, or All-American honors next season.

CONGRATULATIONS!JOE PLENCNER ‘22 NAMED NCAC LACROSSE PLAYER OF THE WEEK

CARLOS CHAMPAGNE ‘22 NAMED TO D3WRESTLE.COM ALL-FRESHMAN TEAM

JOSH WIGGINS ‘21 NAMED MEN’S NCAC HURDLER OF THE WEEK

OPINION

10 | WABASHCOLLEGEBACHELOR.COM | THE BACHELOR

BRYCE BRIDGEWATER’19 EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

JAKE VERMEULEN ‘21 NEWS EDITOR

AUSTIN RUDICEL ’20 OPINION EDITOR

PATRICK MCAULEY ’20 SPORTS EDITOR

BRAXTON MOORE ‘19 CAVELIFE EDITOR

IAN WARD ’19 PHOTO EDITOR

IAN WARD ’19 ONLINE EDITOR

BRENT BREESE ’19 COPY EDITOR

Malcolm Lang ‘21Reply to this column at mtlang21@wabash.edu

Matilda

Brandon Arbuckle ‘19Reply to this column at bcarbuck19@wabash.edu

Rejected, Not Dejected

I applied for over 40 jobs, and received over 40 rejections. Rejection comes in many forms: when applying for colleges and grad school, when applying for jobs

and internships, and at the Cactus on Thursday nights. Rejection sucks, and it happens A LOT. It happened to me more times than I would have liked.One company, TalentWorks, shed some stats on a position they filled: 426 people applied, which they say is only slightly above average. Of those applicants, 97 (22%) were deemed qualified.

Of those people, the company only had time to interview 13 (3%). In the end, they only had the budget to hire 2 (less than 0.5% of the original starting pool). Kushal Chakrabarti, the hiring manager for the position said “every company sees numbers like this – they just don’t tell you… one of the first things you’re taught as a hiring manager is that ‘no’ is the default answer.” Ouch.

We hear it all the time, and you have probably seen it yourself: an amazing Wally applies for a position that they are amazingly-qualified for. You know they’ll knock it out of the park.

They turn in their application. They get invited for multiple interviews. They laugh with the interviewer, hit all their talking points, but the next day they receive the dreaded “We received many qualified applicants… BUT…” rejection email or phone call.

In my three years working at Career Services (come say hi), not only have I accumulated a number of sweet quarter-zips, I’ve also been

close to a lot of great advice on applying for internships, schools, and jobs.

WAYS TO BOOST YOUR CHANCES OF NOT GETTING REJECTED:

· Research the companies and position thoroughly. Look at the position or program posting. If there is something that makes it especially unique, highlight that in your cover letter or application materials. Look at position responsibilities. What sorts of questions might they ask in the interview?

· Customize your applications for the positions you’re applying for. Did you know that hiring managers spend, on average, 7 seconds looking at each resume? Their time is valuable, and so is yours, so don’t waste it by mass-spamming your resume. Cassie Hagan advises you “specifically address, in their [the employer’s] words, the skills and experiences you have that are a match.” Customize (even if only slightly) each resume, cover letter, or admission essay you send in.

· Practice. You know Wabash pays for a great way for you to practice interviews? It’s called

BigInterview, and you can the registration link on the WabashWorks landing page. Industry-specific questions, answer builders, video practice, dressing tips, and interview crash courses. It helped me feel more confident in myself, experiences, and answers.

· Send follow-up thank you letters to interviewers. If it comes down to you and another candidate, and you send a thoughtful thank-you, that might be the deciding factor. Dr. Sara Drury also notes in her “Don’t Be That Guy” talk (which is among the top 10 things to see before graduation) that a thank you letter can also be an opportunity to briefly follow up on an interview question that didn’t go as planned,

· Adjust your strategy. Find where you’re getting weeded out. Are you getting rejected at the application phase? Perhaps take a look at your resume or cover letters for silly typos, or maybe

the aspects of your experiences you highlight don’t mesh with their needs (see tip 1 and 2). If you’re getting rejected over the phone or in initial interviews, maybe you need to practice more.

· Expand your search, both in location and industry. If you’re dead-set on working in Crawfordsville, Indiana as a nuclear physicist, you might be in for a bad time. However, there might be plenty of those jobs in places like California or Texas, where nuclear energy is bigger. Also, explore adjacent industries. If you’re interested in marketing, consider sales. Accounting might be a good lead to finance.

You get the idea. As a fresh college-grad in the United States with limited roots to a place, now may be the best time in your life to do something crazy like move across the US (or the world.) Take risks.

· Leverage your network. If you had an internship in Industry X at Company Y, but there’s no open positions at Company Y, ask your former supervisor if they know of any related openings in Industry X. Or if there’s any other roles that could build upon your skillset.

Finally: don’t take it personally. You can control these above things. But, oftentimes, rejection is out of your control. Maybe a former intern applied. Maybe the interviewer received some bad news before you came in. Maybe they needed someone who could start next week, or someone who could do a one-handed cartwheel. Don’t even get me started on what “good chemistry” means. There are a multitude of factors at play here, and if you let each rejection get you down, it will create a negative feedback loop for future performances. Cassie Hagan says you can combat this by continually “working on the next thing. Don’t wait to hear back, keep applying so you always know something else is in the pipeline.” If you’re down in the dumps, find someone to hype you up. For me, that was my mom. It could be a fraternity brother, a friend, or a mentor. Rejections don’t diminish your worth. They don’t make you any less valuable of an employee or human being. It can take 100 “noes” to get to that one “yes” you may need. Keep putting your best foot forward, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

As a young kid, I was in love with the movie Matilda. It was one of the most uplifting movies a kid could

watch. As I grew older, a grew a much larger appreciation over the film, to the point where i dug up more research over the how it was structured and the critiques of the movie. A snippet of Ty Burr’s plot summary article, “Throw Momma From the Train”, mentions that Matilda has a mind so strong that she has the ability to use telekinesis.

Her ability to learn and obtain knowledge is superb not only for her kid her age, but as a human in general. Since a very young age, she was gifted, however; her parents neglected her at the tender age of 4. As a result, she had to rely on herself and books (education). This is what raised my first question -- the idea of her using education as a crutch of support. Why did the screenwriters and the author decide to use that as a direction of the film? As anyone can suggest in films, children who face adversity at young ages tend to overcome these obstacles. This is the popular direction that filmmakers like to take. Likewise, the movie Matilda follows the same format, but why did the filmmakers decide to go with this route? Better yet, why

did author decide to have the plot of a kid overcoming so much at a very young age?

Matilda using her wits and power to overthrow Ms. Trunchbull’s oppressive force. As the class began, Ms. Trunchbull enters the room to confront all the students on who trespassed her house. However, before the principal was able to inflict any punish on the suspect, which she believed was Matilda, she began to use her telekinetic power to scare her off. She clobbered her with chalked, and smothered her in the students’ school lunches. If that wasn’t all, she pretended to be a ghost and wrote on the chalk. In one of the first times of the movie, the brains would overthrow the brawns. One of few themes

that was displayed in movie.Her power (telekinesis) symbolizes her

wisdom that is able to control and manipulate the things and people around her. Matilda’s gifted mind was her outlet to her freedom from the lifelong neglect of her parents and the oppressive force of her principal. This was no coincidence that she hard a large desire to be educated, because education was her safe haven, a way for her to escape the misfortunes of her childhood.

I was able to make this knowledge and car analogy to where the knowledge is her car (her way to freedom). The key to ignition is the education aspect, which includes her readings her eagerness to learn and retain new material.

This key is used and harness into a device for growth and a chance for her to find a route away from obstacles. Her ability to “drive” comes from the actual drive she has to overcome the obstacles she will face.

The screenwriters’ also threw in a message that knowledge, and utilizing education as your ammunition is the most effective way to overcome adversity. Regardless of whether I agree or not, it is quite present that this was the message that they wanted to convey

to the audience. This kind of ties into the “pen being mightier than the sword” theme, which I discussed earlier. However, this time I wanted to discuss the idea of using education for a source of assistance.

The movie is also somewhat of a motivational piece for kids to not allow their fear and obstacles keep them from fulfilling their dreams, and most importantly, make a difference. Also, without direct intent, the movie shows things that could potentially happen if kids fail to value education as we should. The one thing that was presented in each case of this movie was that the victor of each conflict was the person who allowed themselves to be educated.This, once again, is no coincidence. If anything, it was a message the screenwriters wanted to pick up on our own.

I compared Matilda to the an analogy of a “kid that knows how to drive”. A kid who can “drive” is a kid who can use their adversity and obstacles for a way of direction to triumph. A kid that is able to find the right resources to achieve and fulfill dreams as they desire. A kid who can “drive” is a kid who know that life is a road. You must continue to have the drive to keep moving forward.

THE BASTARD | WABACOBASTARD.COM | 11

FACTS

Most of the discourse in politics involves how and if the federal government

should produce a physical barrier on the southern border facing Mexico. Despite most of the discussions going on in Washington D.C., WabCo can and should partake in helping the President in solving this National Emergency. In true fairness of journalism, we will present options that both sides of the environment will like. For the Republicans, WabCo has plentiful natural resources to provide for the wall. First off, we can smelt the Monon Bell to give the government plenty of metal to build the wall.

After all, the Bell is only used for seven days of the year. For the other 358 days, it collects dust on top of a ledge in some random building that

just an elite group of students use. Since it has no value to this campus, it should be put to get used for the betterment of our country.

Secondly, with all of WabCo’s CEOs around the country, those alumni should provide the funds to the government to help pay for the wall. According to WabCo’s website, 9/10 WabCo’s graduates are CEOs that make over $3 million with the other 1/10 graduates making over $2.99 million. These alumni need to help solve the National Emergency and give their money to the cause. We initially considered having CarServ, headed by Moland Rorin, front some of the money for the wall, as we all know that it costs $5 to enter the building. However Rorin revealed that they only have the $5 from the one guy who went on to intern with the

Illuminati. Nobody else has come in. Now, for Democrats, we have

presented some incentives for them to agree to. First, the wall will have doors in it every 200 feet so that if immigrants do want to come into the country, all they have to do is open the door. WabCo’s professors inspired this idea with an open door policy for students. It was developed to provide an option to Democrats.

Also, if Democrats do not want the U.S. to pay for the wall, some WabCo students suggested making Mexico pay for it. Like actually pay for it. The students believed from all of the Mexican style beverages that they drink that the country must be rich. If Mexico could produce any profit off of such delicious beer, then they should be able to pay for it. Along with the doors, the Democrats should fall in

love with the idea. WabCo needs to continue

discussions to help provide further options to students that can provide the government with opportunities to help end the National Emergency to our south. DeBauch to the south continues only to protest both sides: complaining about not needing a border anywhere, but also complaining that the current plan for the wall needs to be 30 feet higher.

With all of this considered, WabCo has a significant part in ending the emergency in the southern U.S. If people start to deny their role in ending the emergency, Congress should declare that they are communists and deserving of prison time. Please contact the Federal Bureau of National Emergency if anyone is against ending the crisis.

How WabCo Can Build Trump’s Wall

Matilda

Rejected, Not Dejected

Bastard Editorial

Why Montana shouldn’t be a state

There is more text here than

people in Montana There are more bison than people.

The weather sucks. Like its always cold.

Montana has a city called

Butte, which would be cool but

its not pronouced like ‘butt’ so

its makes it a massive tease.

The worse Dakota is to the right of here.

The best Dakota is to the right

of here, but it’s still a Dakota.

Wyoming is south of here, so that’s fun.

It doesn’t have the potatoes

like Idaho does.

If we sold Montana to

Canada for a trillion dollars,

every citizen in America will

get a million dollars.

12 | WABCOBASTARD.COM | THE BASTARD

THE BASTARDWABCO DISPLACES HUNDREDS OF LOCALS IN PREPARATION FOR LATEST CONSTRUCTION

COMING SOON IN 2055!

ANY AND ALL FOOD AND BEVERAGE SUGGESTIONS WILL BE CAREFULLY TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION AND THEN

PROMPTLY DISPOSED OF.

THE BASTARD | WABCOBASTARD.COM | 13

THE BASTARD

WABCO LABS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

NEW GAS CURES SENIORITIS, ENABLES MUTANT GROWTH, CAUSES NATURAL DISASTERS

ARIN M. OUT ‘22 | THE INTERN WHO GETS OUR COFFEE WROTE THIS, READ NO FURTHER • Last week at WabCo, research interns were experimenting with some limestone that fell off Center Hall after three unidentified men vandalized the historic building. “This is unacceptable!” President Rutherford “Ruth” Less said. “First they painted all over my parking spot, then they stole my Vespa, and now they dare to vandalize my workplace?!”

However, Wabco Chemists, lead by Professor Saul Schmitz, decided to take a piece of the limestone to experiment with it in the laboratories located at the third floor of Haystack-Needle Hall. “I’ve never seen any material like it,” Schmitz said. “I’ve been wanting to experiment with it since I got here. I’m so excited to see what would happen, particularly when we put it in our NMR [Nuclear Magnetic Resonance] machine.”

Fast forward three days, and a new material was discovered within the limestone composition, named Schmitzine, that had peculiar properties. “It’s like nothing I have ever seen,” Schmitz said. “It is a lighter-than-air liquid that floats around at room temperature [25 degrees Celsius], but, when cooled to 15 degrees Celsius [20 degrees Reaumur], it turns into a gas. When inhaled it produces the same effects as laughing gas. For the seniors, it also had the effect of curing senioritis for 6 hours after 30 seconds of inhaling the gas.”

One of the things Schmitz did not mention is that students manipulating the gaseous form of Schmitzine will also get an additional helping hand from the third arm they grew. Some students and faculty report seeing a few Chemistry majors walking around with a bushy tail after leaving Professor Schmitz’s laboratory.

After the interns developed assault acid - a 10μM solution of vitriol, Lapis Infernalis, and battery acid - to successfully counter exposure to Schmitzine, the interns tested all the material’s new properties through spectrophotometry, infrared spectroscopy, and magnetic resonance. All they had left to do is

the traditional flame test.The next day, they started the

Bunsen burners and put in 1 mg of Schmitzine directly into the open flame. It shed its outer shell, which descended directly into the ground. Fifty seconds later, an earthquake so powerful that it made Edmund Hovey rise from his grave struck the campus. Newspapers from as far as Billings, Montana reported they had, indeed, felt the earthquake. “I had to see what on Earth was in that limestone,” Hovey said in another Bastard interview. More about Hovey’s resurrection on page 1832.

However, it was the inner shell that caught the eye of Wabco researchers. “It doesn’t look like it has any impurities or multiple elements,” Schmitz said. “I think we might have just discovered a new chemical element.” And, sure enough, 12 hours later, the American Chemical Society announced the discovery of element 119, named Wallium, and abbreviated Wa. “This is the first alkali metal not to react violently with air,” Schmitz said.

While the element has many unusual properties, experiments are still underway to determine the nature of this bizarre element. Only one has been done so far, with the help of Psychology Professor Lance Schmitt-Torr. He injected 1 microgram doses into 10 rats.

“It’s fascinating stuff,” Schmitt-Torr said. “After injection, all of the rats started running around like crazy, singing ‘Old Wabco’, including the fist-bumps. When put in front of a television set broadcasting the 125th Moan-On Bell game, they started acting as if they were wearing pots and stripes. It’s a pity the Chemistry labs only had 10 micrograms to spare me, but I can’t wait for the next batch,” Schmitt-Torr said.

After hearing the news, President Less announced that the President’s Office is canceling some President’s Distinguished Speaker events for the upcoming semesters in order to fund the Wallium research. “We are thankful for the president’s support,” Schmitz said. “Wallium is incredibly hard to obtain, so we need all the help we can get.”

PHOTO COURTESY OF GOOGLE IMAGES

Side effects of Wallium may include and are not limited to dizzyness, nausea, heart palpitations, a deep hatred for DeBauch, and excessive alcohol consumption. Seek medical attention if symptoms persist for more than four hours.

14 | WABCOBASTARD.COM | THE BASTARD

THE BASTARD

MISSED CONNECTIONS

TO : “BREAKFAST CO. BEAUTY” YOU WERE A WAITRESS. I WAS A WABCO STUDENT. IT’S BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN

A WOMAN MY AGE, I’M NOT ACTUALLY SURE WHETHER OR NOT YOU WERE ATTRACTIVE. I WAS WEARING THE GREY SWEATPANTS AND THE RED WABCO SHIRT. YOU KNOW… LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. BUT YOU COULD TOTALLY TELL THAT I WAS INTO YOU. ANYWAY, I LEFT MY NUMBER INSTEAD OF A TIP. YOU’RE WELCOME BABE ;)

TO : “MIDNIGHT MOVES” YOU WERE A THIN-HAIRED TOWNIE SCURRYING ACROSS 231 TOWARDS THE COYOTE AT

3AM ON THURSDAY NIGHT. I WAS BLACKED OUT IN THE BACKSEAT OF A PLEDGE’S CAR. WE MADE EYE CONTACT IN THE REARVIEW MIRROR WHEN YOU BENT OVER TO PICK UP THE DIMEBAG THAT FELL OUT OF YOUR FISHNET LEGGINGS. MEET ME UNDER THE ARCH THIS SATURDAY TO KINDLE OUR LOVE.

TO : “ADMITTED TO MY HEART” YOU WERE THE SISTER OF A PROSPECT TOURING WABCO. I WAS A RHYNE JINGLING

ACROSS THE ARBORETUM. YOUR CROWDED LETTER JACKET CAUGHT MY EYE AND STOPPED MY HEART. EMAIL ME FOR A SPECIAL KIND OF FINANCIAL AID PACKAGE.

TO : “SIDELINE SOBER SNIPER” I WAS LIMPING ON THE SIDELINES OF A DIII LAX GAME. YOU WERE A SCANTILY CLAD

ATHLETIC TRAINER FROM THE OPPOSING TEAM. I TOOK A LOT OF PHOTOS OF YOU THAT DAY. WE MADE EYE CONTACT THROUGH THE VIEWFINDER, BUT YOU KEPT TURNING AWAY. CALL ME IF YOU WANT A PEEK.

TO : “SUGAR CREEK MERMAID” I WAS FOUR PITCHERS DEEP ON THE PORCH OF CREEKSIDE. MOVEMENT IN THE WATER

CAUGHT MY EYE. I LOOKED OVER AND SAW YOU STANDING THERE, BRACKISH WATER BEADING OFF OF YOUR GREASY HAIR. THE LOOK IN YOUR LAZY EYE ENCHANTED ME AND I GOT THE URGE TO SLIP MY TONGUE BETWEEN YOUR FRONT TOOTH. NEXT TIME YOU ARE DOING LAUNDRY ON THE RIVER BANK, I’LL BE WAITING.

TO : “INTERNATIONAL LOVE” I WAS RIPPING A HEATER ON THE STEPS OF SPARKS. A PLUME OF GAULOISE SMOKE

SIGNALED MY GAZE TO ACROSS THE MALL TO YOUR EXOTIC FRAME. AS YOU LIT A SECOND DART WITH YOUR STILL LIT FIRST, MY ALREADY HOT LIPS BURNED WITH DESIRE FOR YOURS. I LEFT A LETTER FOR YOU IN EVERY ASHTRAY ON CAMPUS. HOPE YOU SPEAK MY LOVE LANGUAGE.

THESE CRAIGSLIST CLASSIFIEDS POSTED BY WABCO STUDENTS WERE DATAMINED BY: DAVID SHEEP & KEENAN KIRKBONE

CRISPTIN BLUEBOY ‘69 | THE DEVOUT LEFT-LEANING HERALD OF THE GREATER C-VILLE AREA • The Bastard has a long tradition of forcing opinion writers to end their piece with “WabCo Always Scraps” or “WAS”. The trend has tradi-tionally been seen by the public as a dis-play of WabCo’s tight grip on Real News publications like The Bastard.

However, there has been a recent surge in “WAS” appearing in literature across the nation. The phenomenon started when Ethan Egret was inspired by the opinion section of the Bastard. Egret is the author an article titled “The End of Reproduction? A Look into the Rhetorics of Plastic-Doll Brothels” which was published in The Journal of Contemporary Rhetoric.

“When I read the opinion section in The Bastard that day, all four opinions ended with WabCo Always Scraps,” said Egret. “I felt a sensation go through my person and I was inspired almost to tears with the thought that a single institution could unite so many young minds under one idea.”

The phrase started to gain traction and was labeled an “epidemic of

phraseology” by The New Amsterdam Times. Editor-in-Chief of NAT, Rory Mackelroy, wrote a strong-willed opinion on the phrase.

“The phrase is a misandrist, heterophobic, protestant-phobic, and outright ignorant slang term for WabCo men,” Mackelroy said. “These men go through the Act of Nations sometimes twice a year for God’s sake. Leave them alone.”

The phrase eventually ended up at the end of President Drumpf’s “Declaration of National Security” letter as well as Representative Oreo-Cookie’s “Green New Deal”.

All this fanfare led to WabCo’s president, Moped Larry, to trademark the phrase. WabCo now receives 25 cents every time “WAS” is used in any form of communication.

“This is not an attempt to stop people from using the phrase,” said Larry. “It is merely an economic decision with WabCo’s best interests in mind.”

The Bastard will continue to pursue this story as new developments on the phrase occur. And remember, WabCo Always Scraps.

WABCO TRADEMARKS NEW CATCHPHRASE

“WABCO NOW RECIEVES 25 CENTS

EVERY TIME “W.A.S.” IS USED

IN ANY FORM OF COMMUNICATION.”

- PRESIDENT MOPED LARRY

THE BASTARD | WABCOBASTARD.COM | 15

THE BASTARD

BASTARD301 W. Wabco Ave., Crawfordsville, IN, 47933

CHIEF SPEECH REPRESSORVanilla Brice • iceicebaby@wabco.edu

DIGITAL PROPAGANDIST EDITORWan Iard • wiard19@wabco.edu

BASTARD EDITORWouldn’t You Like To Know? • FAKE NEWS EDITORJacob • jacob@wabco.edu

LACKADAISICAL OPINION EDITORSam Cloak • scloak19@wabco.edu

YAY! SPORTS EDITORP. Wack • pwack20@wabco.edu

PHOTOSHOPPERThad Seymour • tseymour19@wabco.edu

PLAGARIZATION EDITORPierre LaPoire • istudiedabroad@wabco.edu

BASTARD ADVISERJimbo Slamitdown • slamitj@wabco.edu

The purpose of The Bastard is to serve the whims of Jimbo Slamitdown and produce the highest quality information possible. This includes, but is not limited to dragging administrators, faculty and staff, parents, alumni, community members and most importantly, the students through the mud. Because this is a “school” paper, the content and character within will cater to the student body’s debauched interests, demented ideas, and dilatory issues. Further, this publication will serve as a medium and forum for student opinions and ideas to contact the great beyond.

Although a dictatorial newspaper, the Board of Publications shamefully publishes The Bastard. The Bastard and BOP receive the funding they embezzele from the Wabco Student Senate, which derives its funds from mercilous taxation of the members of the Wabco student body.

Letters to the editor are welcomed and encouraged. They must be sent by standard carrier pigeon in scroll format, tied up with a severed mouse tail. Letters will only be published if they include the name, phone, or e-mail of the person who is dissenting (for accurate return of abuse) and are not longer than 3 words.

The Bastard reserves the right to edit letters for content, typographical errors, and length. All letters received become property of this publication for the purposes of reprinting and/or redistribution. If a letter does not appear to be the same one that was submitted, don’t worry. It’s probably because the submitter failed to acurately get across how excellent our publication is. Profanity must appear in the publication, but will be ommitted in cases of direct quote unless profanity is necessary to the content of the story. Please do not confuse profanity with obscenity. We want both. No article or picture of an obscene nature will appear in this publication.

The Bastard is printed every year around April 1st. It freely enlightens all students, faculty, and staff at Wabco of the stories they should pay attention to.

LO-FIVESFIVE THINGS WORTHY

OF A LO-FIVE THIS WEEK

NYT LOVES RUSSIA

The New York Times has become worse at telling stories and publishing the truth than a tabloid. Rumor has it that the editors at Pravda are seeking to hire NYT writers at their Moscow headquarters to improve the newspaper’s servility to the Kremlin.

SELF DEFENSE COP OUT

A student whose name rhymes with “Goey Clenkey” has created the “Self Defense Club” as a means to channel his anger and frustration after a serious lack of ladies showing up to his recently folded “Social Dance Club.” We hope that this new outlet will be productive for your mental wellbeing, Goey.

4/02

A group of students were seen in a stupor after partaking in a certain substance on 4/02. It was later discovered that all of these students suffered from “dyscalculia”, a disorder similar to dyslexia wherein numbers are switched around in the brain. The Bachelor is currently inquiring as to the nature and source of this substance. I heard its pretty dope though.

WELCOME BLS!

A new fraternity has moved to Wabash! The borthers of are excited to become BLS as a part of our culture. Their real letters, “Boffa, Ligma, Suggon” may be unfamiliar to those who do not know the Greek Alphabet. Be sure to ask any member of the Bachelor what these letters mean, we’re more than happy to inform you!

MONEY LAUNDERING?

The Bastard has recently uncovered a complex and intense plot from the proprietors of the local campus pub. A dual scheme of bootlegging and money laundering is taking place. Hooch is being brewed covertly from pool water and scraps from our campus dining facilities, and money from a recent alumni campaign is being stored there. Rumor has it that much of it has been spent of Vespa parts.

KAPPA SQUIGMA EL CHARRO

BETA MALE PI MCDONALD’S

SIGMA GLUE BURGER KING

ARUBA WHITE CASTLE

BOTTOM HOUSE DARILICIOUS

TATER DELT STONEY’S

PHARMA PSI LITTLE CAESAR’S

DRAMA HOUSE SUPER CHINA BUFFET

LOBOTOMY CHI ALPHA

BUFFALO WILD WINGS

DELTA HALL WINGS, ETC.

GAMMA DELTA IOTA LONG JOHN SILVER’S

IF WABCO FRATERNITIES WERE

LOCAL RESTAURANTS

BY: DAVID SHEEP, JACK FRENCHMAN, DANIEL CUEVITZ

THE BASTARD

16 | WABCOBASTARD.COM | THE BASTARD

APRIL 5, 2019

For an exciting Friday night, bust out this handy-dandy WabCo Bingo Board for hours and hours of fun!