The 6 Platinum Principles Of Shared Parenting During Divorce:

I. Protect  your  child  from  parental  conflict,  whether  subtle  or  overt.    Take  the  high  road  even  (and  especially)  if  the  other  parent  doesn’t.    Civility  is  a  choice.    

II. Do  your  own  work  to  fully  grieve  the  marriage  and  the  loss  of  traditional  family  life.    Divorce  is  not  a  single  event  to  “get  over”  but  a  long  process  of  integration.  

 III. View  the  other  parent  as  both  an  integral  part  of  your  child’s  

life  and  your  life-­‐long  business  partner  –  it’s  a  package  deal.    And  a  critical  one.  

 IV. Commit  to  a  schedule  and  establish  a  parenting  agreement.      

Give  your  child  the  gift  of  certainty  during  this  painful  and  disruptive  time.        

 V. Identify  and  honor  healthy  emotional  boundaries  with  your  

child.    They  are  not  your  confidante,  surrogate  spouse,  pawn,  messenger  or  spy.    

VI. Commit  to  staying  out  of  court  and  chart  your  own  future.    The  judicial  system  isn’t  designed  to  produce  two  winners.  

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“Experts now have verified that children can get over the injury of divorce itself, but they cannot adjust to chronic expressions of anger, blame, and constant disapproval of the other parent.”                                          -­‐  Shirley  Thomas,  Parents  Are  Forever  

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I) Protect your child from parental conflict, whether subtle or overt. The  research  is  clear.    Children  who  are  protected  from  the  bickering  and  fighting  that  accompany  divorce  fare  the  best.    If  you  and  your  former  partner  cannot  commit  to  doing  anything  else,  this  is  the  one  principle  to  hold  sacred.        The  best  way  to  avoid  conflict  in  front  of  the  kids  is  to  schedule  a  time  to  talk  when  the  kids  aren’t  present.    Only  participate  in  a  conversation  when  you  are  confident  you  have  full  privacy.    While  discussing  things  in  front  of  the  kids  can  be  efficient  (for  example,  during  the  transition  from  one  house  to  the  other),  limit  yourselves  to  a  quick  hello  if  you  are  at  all  likely  to  end  up  bickering  or  sneering.      Making  disparaging  comments  about  the  other  parent  in  front  of  your  kids  is  off  limits.    This  is  so  tempting  when  you  are  hurt  and  angry,  and  depending  on  the  circumstances,  might  be  quite  justified.    Don’t  do  it.    You  have  a  huge  influence  over  your  child’s  attitude  about  the  other  parent,  so  use  it  in  a  positive  way.    Save  the  negative  comments  about  your  former  spouse  for  a  close  friend,  a  well-­‐hidden  journal  or  your  therapist.    It’s  important  to  hold  friends  and  family  to  the  same  standard.    To  quote  a  lesson  learned  in  kindergarten  or  before,  if  you  can’t  say  something  nice,  don’t  say  anything  at  all.    And  be  aware  of  those  underhanded  comments  that  don’t  directly  disparage  but  hold  equal  negative  weight.    Subtle  comments  and  innuendo  have  a  power  that  should  not  be  underestimated.    Civility  is  a  choice,  and  one  that  is  especially  important  when  dealing  with  a  difficult  former  spouse.    It’s  no  real  challenge  to  be  civil  in  the  face  of  civility,  but  it  can  take  Herculean  effort  to  respond  to  nastiness  and  negativity  with  a  detached  calm.    Whether  difficult  or  impossible  in  your  mind,  take  the  high  road  when  dealing  with  your  former  mate.    Do  it  for  your  children.  

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“Anger is a medicinal balm. It dulls the ache in the gut.”                                

                           -­‐  Lois  Gold,  The  Healthy  Divorce  

“When you forgive someone for hurting you, you perform spiritual surgery on the soul.”                                

                                                   -­‐  Lewis  Smedes,  Forgive  &  Forget  

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II)  Fully grieve the marriage and the loss of traditional family life. Divorce  is  a  death  and  must  be  grieved.    Whether  a  long,  slow  death  or  a  sudden  smack  in  the  face,  it  is  the  death  of  dreams,  fantasies  and  expectations  for  the  future.  Regardless  of  the  shift  in  feelings  or  circumstance,  and  whether  you  are  the  leaver  or  the  left,  no  one  escapes  the  grieving  process.    The  five  stages  of  grief  are  the  well-­‐documented  denial,  anger,  bargaining,  depression  and  acceptance.    Unfortunately,  this  is  a  non-­‐linear  process  so  you  may  visit  the  different  stages  more  than  once  and  in  no  particular  order.    Worse  yet,  you  and  your  former  spouse  are  unlikely  to  travel  this  road  at  the  same  pace.    Be  aware  that  many  people  get  hung  up  in  the  anger  stage.    Habitual  anger  locks  you  in  a  state  of  negative  intimacy  with  your  former  mate  and  prevents  both  of  you  from  moving  forward.    Loneliness.    Disorientation.    Sense  of  failure.    Lack  of  self-­‐confidence.      Helplessness.    Fear.    These  are  extremely  common  states  of  being  during  the  divorce  transition  and  will  improve  in  time.    Practicing  radical  self-­‐care,  participating  in  a  grieving  ritual(s)  and  trusting  in  the  grieving  process  go  a  long  way  toward  healing  and  feeling  whole  again.        To  the  extent  you  actively  grieve  your  marriage  you  are  doing  a  great  service  to  yourself,  your  children  and  any  future  partners.    While  the  temptation  to  distract  yourself  tirelessly  is  huge,  pick  your  poison  carefully.    People  who  remarry  in  short  order  often  live  to  regret  it.    Untangle  as  much  as  you  can  from  the  life  you  have  shared  with  your  former  mate  before  you  start  to  build  a  new  life  with  someone  else.      Give  grief  its  due  respect.    Kids  need  their  parents  emotionally  well  enough  to  function  as  the  parents  they  have  always  been.    Seeing  Mommy  and  Daddy  handling  this  transition  well  gives  kids  hope  that  things  will  be  okay  and  can  serve  as  a  model  for  handling  difficult/unwanted  change.    It’s  not  required  that  you  fully  shield  them  from  your  grief,  but  it’s  critical  to  do  your  own  inner  work  so  you  can  be  a  fully  engaged  parent.  

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“The most important gift you can give your child is a healthy attitude about the time that he will spend with his other parent.”                                

                         -­‐  Philip  M.  Stahl,  Parenting  After  Divorce        

“When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future.”                    -­‐  Bernard  Meltzer,  radio  host  

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III) View the other parent as both an integral part of your child’s life and your life-long business partner. Divorce  is  a  long-­‐term  relationship,  so  acceptance  of  this  principle  is  critical.    Because  being  a  parent  is  forever  and  because  kids  need  both  parents  in  their  life,  your  former  mate  will  be  in  your  life…forever.      While  some  people  patently  refuse  this  concept  and  work  overtime  to  avoid  its  reality,  practicing  this  principle  is  a  huge  gift  to  your  child.    Help  your  children  develop  an  independent,  loving  relationship  with  the  other  parent.    This  is  especially  necessary  for  the  parent  with  whom  the  child  spends  less  time,  often  the  father.    Children  should  not  be  made  to  feel  guilty  about  time  with  the  other  parent,  even  if  the  parenting  skills  or  atmosphere  in  the  other  household  are  less  than  ideal.    Other  than  in  the  case  of  abuse  or  neglect,  you  can’t  protect  a  child  from  who  the  other  parent  is.    Kids  love  both  their  parents  and  deserve  to  have  a  viable  relationship  with  you  both.    Even  if  you  have  to  dig  deep,  identify  some  good  qualities  about  the  other  parent  and  keep  the  focus  on  their  strengths  instead  of  their  deficiencies.    Research  states  that  there  are  many  different  healthy  parenting  styles  and  that  kids  of  divorce  often  end  up  more  resilient  having  been  exposed  to  multiple  styles.      Talk  about  the  other  parent  to  your  child  in  neutral  or  positive  ways.    Don’t  take  the  topic  of  the  other  parent  off  the  table  as  if  they  no  longer  exist.    They  are  a  huge  presence  in  your  child’s  life  and  shouldn’t  be  an  off-­‐limits  subject.    Be  proactive  in  cultivating  and  maintaining  the  relationship  with  the  other  parent  on  behalf  of  your  child.    Encourage  your  kids  to  do  the  same  by  suggesting  they  call  or  text  the  other  parent  when  something  big  happens  so  they  can  share  the  moment  with  both  parents.          

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The  simple  (but  by  no  means  easy)  key  to  treating  your  former  spouse  as  a  current  business  partner  is  to  separate  the  marital  relationship  from  the  parental  one.    Regardless  of  what  was  done  or  left  undone  in  the  marriage,  it’s  imperative  that  you  communicate  regularly  and  respectfully  about  your  children.    If  it  helps,  think  of  it  as  being  co-­‐owner  of  a  new  business  venture  called  ROC  (Raising  Our  Children).    You  both  have  the  same  mission  and  the  same  precious  cargo  at  stake,  so  it  only  makes  sense  to  work  together.    Suspend  your  low  expectations  of  what  is  possible  for  the  restructured  relationship.    In  the  same  way  that  civility  is  a  choice,  cultivating  a  cooperative  and  collaborative  business  relationship  with  your  child’s  parent  is  a  choice  as  well.    When  you  are  no  longer  in  the  position  of  having  to  meet  each  other’s  personal  needs,  there  is  greater  possibility  that  you  will  be  able  to  work  together  in  a  collaborative  way  for  ROC.    And  the  benefits  package  is  unrivaled.      In  the  disappointing  case  where  only  one  of  you  is  committed  to  the  partnership  in  ROC,  stay  the  course.    You  may  or  may  not  be  able  to  influence  the  other  parent  with  your  healthy  modeling,  but  you  are  doing  the  right  thing  by  your  kids.    Don’t  keep  score.    Keep  up  your  end  of  the  (desired)  partnership  regardless  of  the  behavior  of  the  other  party,  much  as  you  would  in  the  workplace.      And  as  you  would  with  a  business  partner,  stay  out  of  the  personal  affairs  of  the  other  parent.    You  are  both  “free  agents”  now,  so  the  way  they  choose  to  spend  their  time  and  with  whom  they  spend  it  are  NONE  OF  YOUR  BUSINESS.    You  are  welcome  to  your  opinions  and  even  your  judgments,  but  keep  them  to  yourself.    Resist  the  urge  to  take  a  stab,  even  a  subtle  one.  Respecting  boundaries  goes  a  long  way  in  maintaining  good  will  and  good  emotional  health  for  you  both.    In  reweaving  the  family  tapestry  it  is  imperative  to  view  the  other  parent  as  equally  important  to  the  equation  as  you  are.    Because  children  see  themselves  as  half  of  mother  and  half  of  father,  they  need  you  both  to  be  major  players  in  their  life.      And  the  best  way  to  be  in  their  life  is  as  cooperative  and  collaborative  colleagues,  functioning  as  a  team  to  raise  them.  

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“Perhaps it is best to acknowledge that on some level the skeleton of the emotional connection with your former spouse will always be there. It doesn’t have life, but it also doesn’t disappear. The presence of children is a continuous reminder that there will always be blood ties. A deep connection exists even as you create healthy emotional distance, because no one else shares with you the depth of feeling for your children as does the other parent.”

                                                   -­‐  Lois  Gold,  The  Healthy  Divorce  

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“You obviously can’t do anything to ease the pain or conflicts that your children feel when they see or hear damaging things from the other parent, but by doing your own individual best, and by taking responsibility for your own behavior and acting in your children’s best interests regardless of the other parent’s actions, you can help meet your children’s need for peace.”

                                                                     -­‐  Philip  M.  Stahl,  Parenting  After  Divorce  

         

“Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.”                                

             -­‐  William  James,  psychologist/philosopher        

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 IV)  Commit to a schedule and establish a parenting agreement. Because  there  is  so  much  uncertainty  swirling  about,  especially  when  you  first  separate,  it  is  essential  to  create  a  parenting  schedule  that  makes  sense  for  your  family’s  lifestyle.    Consider  your  children’s  ages  and  temperaments  when  setting  up  this  arrangement  and  know  that  it  will  evolve  as  they  get  older.    Once  set,  stick  to  it…especially  for  the  first  year.    Children  do  best  when  they  know  what  to  expect,  so  it’s  far  more  important  to  get  the  calendar  in  order  than  to  figure  out  who  has  the  children  which  percentage  of  the  time.      Don’t  get  hung  up  on  your  parental  rights,  the  cost  of  child  support,  or  how  the  arrangement  is  going  to  look  to  other  people.    Instead,  focus  on  what  is  in  the  best  interests  of  the  kids.    There  are  many  books  outlining  age-­‐appropriate  parenting  schedules  that  can  offer  you  guidance.    A  parenting  agreement  includes  the  weekly  schedule  for  the  children  and  much  more.    Issues  like  holiday  schedules,  major  decisions  for  children  (medical  and  otherwise),  schooling,  moving,  introducing  kids  to  dating  partners,  discipline  of  the  children,  protocol  for  problem  resolution  between  parents,  etc.  are  also  covered.    The  idea  is  to  anticipate  things  that  invariably  come  up  before  they  actually  surface.    This  agreement  serves  as  a  road  map.    Now  is  not  the  time  to  merely  wing  it.    Ideally  you  will  develop  a  parenting  agreement  with  a  mediation  professional  and/or  a  family  counselor  trained  in  this  area.  While  many  books  offer  templates  that  can  be  used  if  you  and  your  former  spouse  work  well  together,  this  is  a  time  when  professional  help  is  well  worth  the  investment.      However,  you  can  begin  brainstorming  your  preferences  over  the  kitchen  table  to  cut  back  on  billable  hours.      Commit  to  a  weekly  parenting  schedule  before  ever  telling  the  kids  you  are  separating,  if  possible.    It’s  only  fair  for  kids  to  know  when  they  are  going  to  be  seeing  their  parents.    It  eases  their  anxiety  and  gives  them  a  sense  of  rhythm  in  an  otherwise  chaotic  time.      

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“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”                                            -­‐  Elizabeth  Stone,  author  

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”          

                                           -­‐  Robert  Fulghum,  author  

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V)  Identify and honor healthy emotional boundaries with your child. Healthy  emotional  boundaries  between  parent  and  child  can  start  to  blur  during  the  divorce  transition.    Loving  and  well-­‐meaning  parents  sometimes  slowly,  and  often  imperceptibly,  begin  to  lean  on  their  kids  in  ways  that  can  be  damaging.    Awareness  of  these  boundaries  is  the  best  way  to  ensure  you  aren’t  crossing  them.    Kids  need  to  be  kids  and  not  stand  in  as  your  confidante  or  surrogate  spouse.    Children  are  not  appropriate  sounding  boards  for  your  hurt  and  anger.    Even  teenagers,  who  can  at  times  seem  incredibly  mature,  need  to  be  protected  from  this.    Be  careful  not  to  pigeonhole  a  son  as  “man  of  the  house”  or  a  daughter  as  “caretaker.”    Being  too  blunt,  providing  too  much  information  or  choosing  to  gloss  over  a  subject  can  be  damaging.    Don’t  rob  your  child  of  their  childhood.    Using  kids  as  messenger  and/or  spy  is  putting  your  child  in  a  very  difficult  position.    Because  they  love  you  both  equally  and  identify  so  much  with  both  of  you,  it’s  terribly  unfair.    Encourage  your  kids  to  share  freely  how  they  spent  their  time  with  the  other  parent,  but  don’t  do  it  to  gain  information.    And  when  you  share  information  with  the  kids  do  it  with  purity  of  heart,  not  as  an  attempt  to  make  something  known  to  your  former  spouse.        Children  are  not  to  be  used  to  fill  your  loneliness,  assuage  your  guilt  or  as  ammunition  against  the  other  parent.    Actively  search  out  ways  to  meet  your  emotional  needs  through  avenues  other  than  your  children.    In  the  same  way  you  are  shielding  your  kids  from  the  conflict  of  divorce,  protect  them  from  fuzzy  emotional  boundaries.            The  one  question  to  ask  of  yourself  over  and  over  again  is,  “What  is  in  the  best  service  of  my  child  right  now?”    Remember,  this  isn’t  about  you.    It’s  about  the  kids.      

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“Most post-divorce parenting disputes are not really about the children, but about the relationship between the parents. Couched in terms of the children’s needs, these conflicts mask fears of being alone, ambivalence about the divorce, continuing emotional dependencies and attachments, and efforts to assuage wounded pride or punish a spouse. For some, keeping anger stirred up staves off the temptation to get back together or wards off terrible feelings of emptiness. Others simply don’t know how to extricate themselves from destructive patterns of interacting. Concentrating on the faults of or fights with your ex is a good excuse not to look at yourself.”                                                      -­‐  Lois  Gold,  The  Healthy  Divorce    

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VI) Commit to staying out of court and chart your own future. Plan  to  mediate  instead  of  litigate,  and  start  at  the  kitchen  table.    While  there  are  varying  degrees  of  conflict  in  divorce,  there  is  a  phase  called  the  “divorce  honeymoon”  which  is  a  short  but  potent  time  to  get  things  accomplished.    Once  the  decision  has  been  made  to  separate,  get  to  work  on  the  logistics.        To  the  extent  you  can  use  mediation  professionals,  family  counselors,  certified  collaborative  law  attorneys  and/or  mediation-­‐friendly  attorneys,  you  will  be  less  stressed  both  emotionally  and  financially,  and  far  less  likely  to  end  up  in  a  court  battle.    There  are  many  resources  to  help  you  through  this  transition,  and  a  judge  should  be  a  last  resort.    Whether  you  hire  an  attorney  immediately  or  don’t  secure  one  until  near  the  end  of  your  process,  don’t  get  into  the  habit  of  talking  to  your  former  spouse  through  your  attorney.    You  will  be  in  a  parenting  relationship  with  one  another  for  the  life  of  your  child,  so  there  is  no  need  to  suspend  personal  communication  at  the  outset.    This  is  also  a  pragmatic  choice  economically.    There  is  no  meter  running  when  you  talk  directly  to  the  other  parent.    Taking  the  other  parent  to  court  is  an  extremely  expensive  route,  both  emotionally  and  financially.    And  the  outcome  is  seldom  satisfactory  to  either  party.    The  judicial  system  is  not  designed  to  produce  two  winners.    And  no  matter  who  appears  to  “win”  the  battle  in  court,  often  your  children’s  primary  gain  is  the  ongoing  animosity  that  typically  follows.    Only  you  and  the  other  parent  know  what  is  best  for  your  kids.    You  should  be  charting  your  own  future,  not  a  judge  who  doesn’t  know  anything  about  your  family.    Judges  are  charged  with  making  a  permanent  and  legally  binding  decision  for  your  family  with  precious  little  information,  so  commit  to  staying  out  of  court  unless  things  have  irretrievably  broken  down.    

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Postscript Divorce  is  a  difficult  and  stressful  path,  made  both  richer  and  more  painful  with  the  blessing  of  children.    Because  they  are  a  gift  to  us  and  their  childhood  is  so  fleeting,  it  is  our  moral  obligation  to  make  the  transition  as  easy  on  them  as  possible.    While  every  divorce  has  it’s  own  texture,  the  best  way  to  ensure  a  positive  outcome  for  your  kids  is  to  practice  the  art  of  co-­‐parenting,  focusing  on  progress  and  not  perfection.    While  few  people  would  argue  with  the  validity  of  following  some  basic  ground  rules  during  divorce,  and  books  abound  on  the  topic  of  healthy  co-­‐parenting  during  divorce,  the  task  remains  a  difficult  imperative.    If  you  and  your  former  partner  are  struggling  to  develop  or  maintain  a  positive  co-­‐parenting  relationship,  know  that  it  can  improve  over  time  with  your  focused  attention  and  not  a  little  effort.        Healthy  divorce  is  not  an  oxymoron.    There  are  no  shortcuts  to  a  cooperative  and  collaborative  relationship  with  your  former  spouse.    And  for  some,  such  a  relationship  seems  wholly  out  of  reach.    However,  there  is  reason  to  remain  optimistic.    The  poet  Mary  Oliver  stirs  a  great  sense  of  hope  in  this  line  from  her  poem  “Evidence:”    

Keep  some  room  in  your  heart  for  the  unimaginable.  

Cathia Friou  is  a  professional  coach  who  helps  clients  grow  and  transform  through  self-­‐awareness.    A  divorced  mother  of  two  daughters,  she  practices  the  art  of  co-­‐parenting  with  the  father  of  her  children.    For  more  information  please  visit:    

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