THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

7/31/2019 THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

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THE$30,000BEQUEST

andOtherStories

byMarkTwain

(SamuelL.Clemens)

Contents:The$30,000BequestADog'sTaleWasItHeaven?OrHell?ACurefortheBluesTheEnemyConquered;or,LoveTriumphantTheCalifornian'sTaleAHelplessSituationATelephonicConversationEdwardMillsandGeorgeBenton:ATaleTheFiveBoonsofLifeTheFirstWriting-machinesItalianwithoutaMasterItalianwithGrammarABurlesqueBiography

HowtoTellaStoryGeneralWashington'sNegroBody-servantWitInspirationsofthe"Two-year-olds"AnEntertainingArticleALettertotheSecretaryoftheTreasuryAmendedObituariesAMonumenttoAdamAHumaneWordfromSatanIntroductionto"TheNewGuideoftheConversationinPortugueseandEnglish"AdvicetoLittleGirlsPost-mortemPoetryTheDangerofLyinginBed

PortraitofKingWilliamIIIDoestheRaceofManLoveaLord?ExtractsfromAdam'sDiaryEve'sDiary

THE$30,000BEQUEST

CHAPTERI

Lakesidewasapleasantlittletownoffiveorsixthousandinhabitants,andaratherprettyone,too,astownsgointheFarWest.Ithadchurchaccommodationsforthirty-fivethousand,whichisthewayoftheFarWestandtheSouth,whereeverybodyisreligious,andwhereeachoftheProtestantsectsisrepresentedandhasaplantofitsown.RankwasunknowninLakeside--unconfessed,anyway;everybodykneweverybodyandhisdog,andasociablefriendlinesswastheprevailingatmosphere.



SaladinFosterwasbook-keeperintheprincipalstore,andtheonlyhigh-salariedmanofhisprofessioninLakeside.Hewasthirty-fiveyearsold,now;hehadservedthatstoreforfourteenyears;hehadbeguninhismarriage-weekatfourhundreddollarsayear,andhadclimbedsteadilyup,ahundreddollarsayear,forfouryears;fromthattimeforthhiswagehadremainedeighthundred--ahandsomefigureindeed,andeverybodyconcededthathewasworthit.

Hiswife,Electra,wasacapablehelpmeet,although--likehimself--adreamerofdreamsandaprivatedabblerinromance.Thefirstthingshedid,afterhermarriage--childasshewas,agedonlynineteen--wastobuyanacreofgroundontheedgeofthetown,andpaydownthecashforit--twenty-fivedollars,allherfortune.Saladinhadless,byfifteen.Sheinstitutedavegetablegardenthere,gotitfarmedonsharesbythenearestneighbor,andmadeitpayherahundredpercent.ayear.OutofSaladin'sfirstyear'swagesheputthirtydollarsinthesavings-bank,sixtyoutofhissecond,ahundredoutofhisthird,ahundredandfiftyoutofhisfourth.Hiswagewenttoeighthundredayear,then,andmeantimetwochildrenhadarrivedandincreasedtheexpenses,butshebankedtwohundredayearfromthesalary,nevertheless,thenceforth.Whenshehadbeenmarriedsevenyearsshebuiltandfurnishedaprettyandcomfortabletwo-thousand-dollarhouseinthemidstofhergarden-acre,paidhalfofthemoneydownandmovedherfamilyin.Seven

yearslatershewasoutofdebtandhadseveralhundreddollarsoutearningitsliving.

Earningitbytheriseinlandedestate;forshehadlongagoboughtanotheracreortwoandsoldthemostofitataprofittopleasantpeoplewhowerewillingtobuild,andwouldbegoodneighborsandfurnishageneralcomradeshipforherselfandhergrowingfamily.Shehadanindependentincomefromsafeinvestmentsofaboutahundreddollarsayear;herchildrenweregrowinginyearsandgrace;andshewasapleasedandhappywoman.Happyinherhusband,happyinherchildren,andthehusbandandthechildrenwerehappyinher.Itisatthispointthatthishistorybegins.

Theyoungestgirl,Clytemnestra--calledClytieforshort--waseleven;hersister,Gwendolen--calledGwenforshort--wasthirteen;nicegirls,andcomely.Thenamesbetraythelatentromance-tingeintheparentalblood,theparents'namesindicatethatthetingewasaninheritance.Itwasanaffectionatefamily,henceallfourofitsmembershadpetnames,Saladin'swasacuriousandunsexingone--Sally;andsowasElectra's--Aleck.AlldaylongSallywasagoodanddiligentbook-keeperandsalesman;alldaylongAleckwasagoodandfaithfulmotherandhousewife,andthoughtfulandcalculatingbusinesswoman;butinthecozyliving-roomatnighttheyputtheploddingworldaway,andlivedinanotherandafairer,readingromancestoeachother,dreamingdreams,comradingwithkingsandprincesandstatelylordsandladiesintheflashandstirandsplendorofnoblepalacesandgrimandancient

castles.

CHAPTERII

Nowcamegreatnews!Stunningnews--joyousnews,infact.Itcamefromaneighboringstate,wherethefamily'sonlysurvivingrelativelived.ItwasSally'srelative--asortofvagueandindefiniteuncleorsecond



orthirdcousinbythenameofTilburyFoster,seventyandabachelor,reputedwelloffandcorrespondingsourandcrusty.Sallyhadtriedtomakeuptohimonce,byletter,inabygonetime,andhadnotmadethatmistakeagain.TilburynowwrotetoSally,sayingheshouldshortlydie,andshouldleavehimthirtythousanddollars,cash;notforlove,butbecausemoneyhadgivenhimmostofhistroublesandexasperations,andhewishedtoplaceitwheretherewasgoodhopethatitwouldcontinueitsmalignantwork.Thebequestwouldbefoundinhiswill,andwouldbepaidover.PROVIDED,thatSallyshouldbeabletoprovetotheexecutorsthathehadTAKENNONOTICEOFTHEGIFTBYSPOKENWORDORBYLETTER,HADMADENOINQUIRIESCONCERNINGTHEMORIBUND'SPROGRESSTOWARDTHEEVERLASTINGTROPICS,ANDHADNOTATTENDEDTHEFUNERAL.

AssoonasAleckhadpartiallyrecoveredfromthetremendousemotionscreatedbytheletter,shesenttotherelative'shabitatandsubscribedforthelocalpaper.

Manandwifeenteredintoasolemncompact,now,tonevermentionthegreatnewstoanyonewhiletherelativelived,lestsomeignorantpersoncarrythefacttothedeath-bedanddistortitandmakeitappearthattheyweredisobedientlythankfulforthebequest,andjustthesameasconfessingitandpublishingit,rightinthefaceoftheprohibition.

FortherestofthedaySallymadehavocandconfusionwithhisbooks,andAleckcouldnotkeephermindonheraffairs,noteventakeupaflower-potorbookorastickofwoodwithoutforgettingwhatshehadintendedtodowithit.Forbothweredreaming.

"Thir-tythousanddollars!"

Alldaylongthemusicofthoseinspiringwordssangthroughthosepeople'sheads.

Fromhismarriage-dayforth,Aleck'sgriphadbeenuponthepurse,andSallyhadseldomknownwhatitwastobeprivilegedtosquanderadimeonnon-necessities.

"Thir-tythousanddollars!"thesongwentonandon.Avastsum,anunthinkablesum!

AlldaylongAleckwasabsorbedinplanninghowtoinvestit,Sallyinplanninghowtospendit.

Therewasnoromance-readingthatnight.Thechildrentookthemselvesawayearly,fortheirparentsweresilent,distraught,andstrangelyunentertaining.Thegood-nightkissesmightaswellhavebeenimpresseduponvacancy,foralltheresponsetheygot;theparentswerenotawareofthekisses,andthechildrenhadbeengoneanhourbeforetheirabsencewasnoticed.Twopencilshadbeenbusyduringthat

hour--note-making;inthewayofplans.ItwasSallywhobrokethestillnessatlast.Hesaid,withexultation:

"Ah,it'llbegrand,Aleck!Outofthefirstthousandwe'llhaveahorseandabuggyforsummer,andacutterandaskinlap-robeforwinter."

Aleckrespondedwithdecisionandcomposure--

"OutoftheCAPITAL?Nothingofthekind.Notifitwasamillion!"



Sallywasdeeplydisappointed;theglowwentoutofhisface.

"Oh,Aleck!"hesaid,reproachfully."We'vealwaysworkedsohardandbeensoscrimped:andnowthatwearerich,itdoesseem--"

Hedidnotfinish,forhesawhereyesoften;hissupplicationhadtouchedher.Shesaid,withgentlepersuasiveness:

"Wemustnotspendthecapital,dear,itwouldnotbewise.Outoftheincomefromit--"

"Thatwillanswer,thatwillanswer,Aleck!Howdearandgoodyouare!Therewillbeanobleincomeandifwecanspendthat--"

"NotALLofit,dear,notallofit,butyoucanspendapartofit.Thatis,areasonablepart.Butthewholeofthecapital--everypennyofit--mustbeputrighttowork,andkeptatit.Youseethereasonablenessofthat,don'tyou?"

"Why,ye-s.Yes,ofcourse.Butwe'llhavetowaitsolong.Sixmonthsbeforethefirstinterestfallsdue."

"Yes--maybelonger."

"Longer,Aleck?Why?Don'ttheypayhalf-yearly?"

"THATkindofaninvestment--yes;butIsha'n'tinvestinthatway."

"Whatway,then?"

"Forbigreturns."

"Big.That'sgood.Goon,Aleck.Whatisit?"

"Coal.Thenewmines.Cannel.Imeantoputintenthousand.Groundfloor.Whenweorganize,we'llgetthreesharesforone."

"ByGeorge,butitsoundsgood,Aleck!Thentheshareswillbeworth--howmuch?Andwhen?"

"Aboutayear.They'llpaytenpercent.halfyearly,andbeworththirtythousand.Iknowallaboutit;theadvertisementisintheCincinnatipaperhere."

"Land,thirtythousandforten--inayear!Let'sjaminthewholecapitalandpulloutninety!I'llwriteandsubscriberightnow--tomorrowitmaybetoolate."

Hewasflyingtothewriting-desk,butAleckstoppedhimandputhimbackinhischair.Shesaid:

"Don'tloseyourheadso.WEmustn'tsubscribetillwe'vegotthemoney;don'tyouknowthat?"

Sally'sexcitementwentdownadegreeortwo,buthewasnotwhollyappeased.

"Why,Aleck,we'llHAVEit,youknow--andsosoon,too.He'sprobablyoutofhistroublesbeforethis;it'sahundredtonothinghe'sselectinghisbrimstone-shovelthisveryminute.Now,Ithink--"



Aleckshuddered,andsaid:

"HowCANyou,Sally!Don'ttalkinthatway,itisperfectlyscandalous."

"Oh,well,makeitahalo,ifyoulike,Idon'tcareforhisoutfit,Iwasonlyjusttalking.Can'tyouletapersontalk?"

"ButwhyshouldyouWANTtotalkinthatdreadfulway?HowwouldyouliketohavepeopletalksoaboutYOU,andyounotcoldyet?"

"Notlikelytobe,forONEwhile,Ireckon,ifmylastactwasgivingawaymoneyforthesakeofdoingsomebodyaharmwithit.ButnevermindaboutTilbury,Aleck,let'stalkaboutsomethingworldly.Itdoesseemtomethatthatmineistheplaceforthewholethirty.What'stheobjection?"

"Alltheeggsinonebasket--that'stheobjection."

"Allright,ifyousayso.Whatabouttheothertwenty?Whatdoyoumeantodowiththat?"

"Thereisnohurry;IamgoingtolookaroundbeforeIdoanythingwith

it."

"Allright,ifyourmind'smadeup,"signedSally.Hewasdeepinthoughtawhile,thenhesaid:

"There'llbetwentythousandprofitcomingfromthetenayearfromnow.Wecanspendthat,canwe,Aleck?"

Aleckshookherhead.

"No,dear,"shesaid,"itwon'tsellhightillwe'vehadthefirstsemi-annualdividend.Youcanspendpartofthat."

"Shucks,onlyTHAT--andawholeyeartowait!Confoundit,I--"

"Oh,dobepatient!Itmightevenbedeclaredinthreemonths--it'squitewithinthepossibilities."

"Oh,jolly!oh,thanks!"andSallyjumpedupandkissedhiswifeingratitude."It'llbethreethousand--threewholethousand!howmuchofitcanwespend,Aleck?Makeitliberal!--do,dear,that'sagoodfellow."

Aleckwaspleased;sopleasedthatsheyieldedtothepressureandconcededasumwhichherjudgmenttoldherwasafoolishextravagance--athousanddollars.Sallykissedherhalfadozentimesandeveninthat

waycouldnotexpressallhisjoyandthankfulness.ThisnewaccessofgratitudeandaffectioncarriedAleckquitebeyondtheboundsofprudence,andbeforeshecouldrestrainherselfshehadmadeherdarlinganothergrant--acoupleofthousandoutofthefiftyorsixtywhichshemeanttoclearwithinayearofthetwentywhichstillremainedofthebequest.ThehappytearssprangtoSally'seyes,andhesaid:

"Oh,Iwanttohugyou!"Andhedidit.Thenhegothisnotesandsatdownandbegantocheckoff,forfirstpurchase,theluxurieswhichheshouldearliestwishtosecure.



"Horse--buggy--cutter--lap-robe--patent-leathers--dog--plug-hat--church-pew--stem-winder--newteeth--SAY,Aleck!"

"Well?"

"Cipheringaway,aren'tyou?That'sright.Haveyougotthetwentythousandinvestedyet?"

"No,there'snohurryaboutthat;Imustlookaroundfirst,andthink."

"Butyouareciphering;what'sitabout?"

"Why,Ihavetofindworkforthethirtythousandthatcomesoutofthecoal,haven'tI?"

"Scott,whatahead!Ineverthoughtofthat.Howareyougettingalong?Wherehaveyouarrived?"

"Notveryfar--twoyearsorthree.I'veturneditovertwice;onceinoilandonceinwheat."

"Why,Aleck,it'ssplendid!Howdoesitaggregate?"

"Ithink--well,tobeonthesafeside,aboutahundredandeighty

thousandclear,thoughitwillprobablybemore."

"My!isn'titwonderful?Bygracious!luckhascomeourwayatlast,afterallthehardsledding,Aleck!"

"Well?"

"I'mgoingtocashinawholethreehundredonthemissionaries--whatrealrighthavewecareforexpenses!"

"Youcouldn'tdoanoblerthing,dear;andit'sjustlikeyourgenerousnature,youunselfishboy."

ThepraisemadeSallypoignantlyhappy,buthewasfairandjustenoughtosayitwasrightfullyduetoAleckratherthantohimself,sincebutforherheshouldneverhavehadthemoney.

Thentheywentuptobed,andintheirdeliriumofblisstheyforgotandleftthecandleburningintheparlor.Theydidnotrememberuntiltheywereundressed;thenSallywasforlettingitburn;hesaidtheycouldaffordit,ifitwasathousand.ButAleckwentdownandputitout.

Agoodjob,too;foronherwaybackshehitonaschemethatwouldturnthehundredandeightythousandintohalfamillionbeforeithadhadtimetogetcold.

CHAPTERIII

ThelittlenewspaperwhichAleckhadsubscribedforwasaThursdaysheet;itwouldmakethetripoffivehundredmilesfromTilbury'svillageandarriveonSaturday.Tilbury'sletterhadstartedonFriday,morethanadaytoolateforthebenefactortodieandgetintothatweek'sissue,butinplentyoftimetomakeconnectionforthenext



output.ThustheFostershadtowaitalmostacompleteweektofindoutwhetheranythingofasatisfactorynaturehadhappenedtohimornot.Itwasalong,longweek,andthestrainwasaheavyone.Thepaircouldhardlyhaveborneitiftheirmindshadnothadthereliefofwholesomediversion.Wehaveseenthattheyhadthat.Thewomanwaspilingupfortunesrightalong,themanwasspendingthem--spendingallhiswifewouldgivehimachanceat,atanyrate.

AtlasttheSaturdaycame,andtheWEEKLYSAGAMOREarrived.Mrs.EverslyBennettwaspresent.ShewasthePresbyterianparson'swife,andwasworkingtheFostersforacharity.Talknowdiedasuddendeath--ontheFosterside.Mrs.Bennettpresentlydiscoveredthatherhostswerenothearingawordshewassaying;soshegotup,wonderingandindignant,andwentaway.Themomentshewasoutofthehouse,Aleckeagerlytorethewrapperfromthepaper,andhereyesandSally'ssweptthecolumnsforthedeath-notices.Disappointment!Tilburywasnotanywherementioned.AleckwasaChristianfromthecradle,anddutyandtheforceofhabitrequiredhertogothroughthemotions.Shepulledherselftogetherandsaid,withapioustwo-per-cent.tradejoyousness:

"Letusbehumblythankfulthathehasbeenspared;and--"

"Damnhistreacheroushide,Iwish--"

"Sally!Forshame!"

"Idon'tcare!"retortedtheangryman."It'sthewayYOUfeel,andifyouweren'tsoimmorallypiousyou'dbehonestandsayso."

Alecksaid,withwoundeddignity:

"Idonotseehowyoucansaysuchunkindandunjustthings.Thereisnosuchthingasimmoralpiety."

Sallyfeltapang,buttriedtoconcealitunderashufflingattempttosavehiscasebychangingtheformofit--asifchangingtheformwhileretainingthejuicecoulddeceivetheexperthewastryingtoplacate.

Hesaid:

"Ididn'tmeansobadasthat,Aleck;Ididn'treallymeanimmoralpiety,Ionlymeant--meant--well,conventionalpiety,youknow;er--shoppiety;the--the--why,YOUknowwhatImean.Aleck--the--well,whereyouputupthatplatedarticleandplayitforsolid,youknow,withoutintendinganythingimproper,butjustoutoftradehabit,ancientpolicy,petrifiedcustom,loyaltyto--to--hangit,Ican'tfindtherightwords,butYOUknowwhatImean,Aleck,andthatthereisn'tanyharminit.I'lltryagain.Yousee,it'sthisway.Ifaperson--"

"Youhavesaidquiteenough,"saidAleck,coldly;"letthesubjectbedropped."

"I'Mwilling,"ferventlyrespondedSally,wipingthesweatfromhisforeheadandlookingthethankfulnesshehadnowordsfor.Then,musingly,heapologizedtohimself."Icertainlyheldthrees--IKNOWit--butIdrewanddidn'tfill.That'swhereI'msooftenweakinthegame.IfIhadstoodpat--butIdidn't.Ineverdo.Idon'tknowenough."

Confessedlydefeated,hewasproperlytamenowandsubdued.Aleckforgavehimwithhereyes.



Thegrandinterest,thesupremeinterest,cameinstantlytothefrontagain;nothingcouldkeepitinthebackgroundmanyminutesonastretch.ThecoupletookupthepuzzleoftheabsenceofTilbury'sdeath-notice.Theydiscussediteverywhichway,moreorlesshopefully,buttheyhadtofinishwheretheybegan,andconcedethattheonlyreallysaneexplanationoftheabsenceofthenoticemustbe--andwithoutdoubtwas--thatTilburywasnotdead.Therewassomethingsadaboutit,somethingevenalittleunfair,maybe,butthereitwas,andhadtobeputupwith.Theywereagreedastothat.ToSallyitseemedastrangelyinscrutabledispensation;moreinscrutablethanusual,hethought;oneofthemostunnecessaryinscrutablehecouldcalltomind,infact--andsaidso,withsomefeeling;butifhewashopingtodrawAleckhefailed;shereservedheropinion,ifshehadone;shehadnotthehabitoftakinginjudiciousrisksinanymarket,worldlyorother.

Thepairmustwaitfornextweek'spaper--Tilburyhadevidentlypostponed.Thatwastheirthoughtandtheirdecision.Sotheyputthesubjectawayandwentabouttheiraffairsagainwithasgoodheartastheycould.

Now,iftheyhadbutknownit,theyhadbeenwrongingTilburyallthetime.Tilburyhadkeptfaith,keptittotheletter;hewasdead,hehad

diedtoschedule.Hewasdeadmorethanfourdaysnowandusedtoit;entirelydead,perfectlydead,asdeadasanyothernewpersoninthecemetery;deadinabundanttimetogetintothatweek'sSAGAMORE,too,andonlyshutoutbyanaccident;anaccidentwhichcouldnothappentoametropolitanjournal,butwhichhappenseasilytoapoorlittlevillageragliketheSAGAMORE.Onthisoccasion,justastheeditorialpagewasbeinglockedup,agratisquartofstrawberryice-waterarrivedfromHostetter'sLadiesandGentsIce-CreamParlors,andthestickfulofratherchillyregretoverTilbury'stranslationgotcrowdedouttomakeroomfortheeditor'sfranticgratitude.

Onitswaytothestanding-galleyTilbury'snoticegotpied.Otherwiseitwouldhavegoneintosomefutureedition,forWEEKLYSAGAMORESdo

notwaste"live"matter,andintheirgalleys"live"matterisimmortal,unlessapiaccidentintervenes.Butathingthatgetspiedisdead,andforsuchthereisnoresurrection;itschanceofseeingprintisgone,foreverandever.Andso,letTilburylikeitornot,lethimraveinhisgravetohisfill,nomatter--nomentionofhisdeathwouldeverseethelightintheWEEKLYSAGAMORE.

CHAPTERIV

Fiveweeksdriftedtediouslyalong.TheSAGAMOREarrivedregularlyon

theSaturdays,butneveroncecontainedamentionofTilburyFoster.Sally'spatiencebrokedownatthispoint,andhesaid,resentfully:

"Damnhislivers,he'simmortal!"

Aleckgivehimaverysevererebuke,andaddedwithicysolemnity:

"Howwouldyoufeelifyouweresuddenlycutoutjustaftersuchanawfulremarkhadescapedoutofyou?"



WithoutsufficientreflectionSallyresponded:

"I'dfeelIwasluckyIhadn'tgotcaughtwithitINme."

Pridehadforcedhimtosaysomething,andashecouldnotthinkofanyrationalthingtosayheflungthatout.Thenhestoleabase--ashecalledit--thatis,slippedfromthepresence,tokeepfrombeingbrayedinhiswife'sdiscussion-mortar.

Sixmonthscameandwent.TheSAGAMOREwasstillsilentaboutTilbury.Meantime,Sallyhadseveraltimesthrownoutafeeler--thatis,ahintthathewouldliketoknow.Aleckhadignoredthehints.Sallynowresolvedtobraceupandriskafrontalattack.SohesquarelyproposedtodisguisehimselfandgotoTilbury'svillageandsurreptitiouslyfindoutastotheprospects.Aleckputherfootonthedangerousprojectwithenergyanddecision.Shesaid:

"Whatcanyoubethinkingof?Youdokeepmyhandsfull!Youhavetobewatchedallthetime,likealittlechild,tokeepyoufromwalkingintothefire.You'llstayrightwhereyouare!"

"Why,Aleck,Icoulddoitandnotbefoundout--I'mcertainofit."

"SallyFoster,don'tyouknowyouwouldhavetoinquirearound?"

"Ofcourse,butwhatofit?NobodywouldsuspectwhoIwas."

"Oh,listentotheman!Somedayyou'vegottoprovetotheexecutorsthatyouneverinquired.Whatthen?"

Hehadforgottenthatdetail.Hedidn'treply;therewasn'tanythingtosay.Aleckadded:

"Nowthen,dropthatnotionoutofyourmind,anddon'tevermeddlewithitagain.Tilburysetthattrapforyou.Don'tyouknowit'satrap?Heisonthewatch,andfullyexpectingyoutoblunderintoit.Well,heisgoingtobedisappointed--atleastwhileIamondeck.Sally!"

"Well?"

"Aslongasyoulive,ifit'sahundredyears,don'tyouevermakeaninquiry.Promise!"

"Allright,"withasighandreluctantly.

ThenAlecksoftenedandsaid:

"Don'tbeimpatient.Weareprospering;wecanwait;thereisnohurry.Oursmalldead-certainincomeincreasesallthetime;andastofutures,Ihavenotmadeamistakeyet--theyarepilingupbythethousandsand

tensofthousands.Thereisnotanotherfamilyinthestatewithsuchprospectsasours.Alreadywearebeginningtorollineventualwealth.Youknowthat,don'tyou?"

"Yes,Aleck,it'scertainlyso."

"ThenbegratefulforwhatGodisdoingforusandstopworrying.YoudonotbelievewecouldhaveachievedtheseprodigiousresultswithoutHisspecialhelpandguidance,doyou?"



Hesitatingly,"N-no,Isupposenot."Then,withfeelingandadmiration,"Andyet,whenitcomestojudiciousnessinwateringastockorputtingupahandtoskinWallStreetIdon'tgiveinthatYOUneedanyoutsideamateurhelp,ifIdowishI--"

"Oh,DOshutup!Iknowyoudonotmeananyharmoranyirreverence,poorboy,butyoucan'tseemtoopenyourmouthwithoutlettingoutthingstomakeapersonshudder.Youkeepmeinconstantdread.Foryouandforallofus.OnceIhadnofearofthethunder,butnowwhenIhearitI--"

Hervoicebroke,andshebegantocry,andcouldnotfinish.ThesightofthissmoteSallytotheheartandhetookherinhisarmsandpettedherandcomfortedherandpromisedbetterconduct,andupbraidedhimselfandremorsefullypleadedforforgiveness.Andhewasinearnest,andsorryforwhathehaddoneandreadyforanysacrificethatcouldmakeupforit.

Andso,inprivacy,hethoughtlonganddeeplyoverthematter,resolvingtodowhatshouldseembest.ItwaseasytoPROMISEreform;indeedhehadalreadypromisedit.Butwouldthatdoanyrealgood,anypermanentgood?No,itwouldbebuttemporary--heknewhisweakness,andconfessedittohimselfwithsorrow--hecouldnotkeepthepromise.Somethingsurerandbettermustbedevised;andhedevisedit.At

costofpreciousmoneywhichhehadlongbeensavingup,shillingbyshilling,heputalightning-rodonthehouse.

Atasubsequenttimeherelapsed.

Whatmiracleshabitcando!andhowquicklyandhoweasilyhabitsareacquired--bothtriflinghabitsandhabitswhichprofoundlychangeus.Ifbyaccidentwewakeattwointhemorningacoupleofnightsinsuccession,wehaveneedtobeuneasy,foranotherrepetitioncanturntheaccidentintoahabit;andamonth'sdallyingwithwhiskey--butweallknowthesecommonplacefacts.

Thecastle-buildinghabit,theday-dreaminghabit--howitgrows!whata

luxuryitbecomes;howweflytoitsenchantmentsateveryidlemoment,howwerevelinthem,steepoursoulsinthem,intoxicateourselveswiththeirbeguilingfantasies--ohyes,andhowsoonandhoweasilyourdreamlifeandourmateriallifebecomesointermingledandsofusedtogetherthatwecan'tquitetellwhichiswhich,anymore.

ByandbyAlecksubscribedtoaChicagodailyandfortheWALLSTREETPOINTER.WithaneyesingletofinanceshestudiedtheseasdiligentlyalltheweekasshestudiedherBibleSundays.Sallywaslostinadmiration,tonotewithwhatswiftandsurestrideshergeniusandjudgmentdevelopedandexpandedintheforecastingandhandlingofthesecuritiesofboththematerialandspiritualmarkets.Hewasproudofhernerveanddaringinexploitingworldlystocks,andjustasproudof

herconservativecautioninworkingherspiritualdeals.Henotedthatsheneverlostherheadineithercase;thatwithasplendidcouragesheoftenwentshortonworldlyfutures,butheedfullydrewthelinethere--shewasalwayslongontheothers.Herpolicywasquitesaneandsimple,assheexplainedittohim:whatsheputintoearthlyfutureswasforspeculation,whatsheputintospiritualfutureswasforinvestment;shewaswillingtogointotheoneonamargin,andtakechances,butinthecaseoftheother,"marginhernomargins"--shewantedtocashinahundredcentsperdollar'sworth,andhavethestocktransferredonthebooks.



IttookbutaveryfewmonthstoeducateAleck'simaginationandSally's.Eachday'strainingaddedsomethingtothespreadandeffectivenessofthetwomachines.Asaconsequence,Aleckmadeimaginarymoneymuchfasterthanatfirstshehaddreamedofmakingit,andSally'scompetencyinspendingtheoverflowofitkeptpacewiththestrainputuponit,rightalong.Inthebeginning,Aleckhadgiventhecoalspeculationatwelvemonthinwhichtomaterialize,andhadbeenloathtograntthatthistermmightpossiblybeshortenedbyninemonths.Butthatwasthefeeblework,thenurserywork,ofafinancialfancythathadhadnoteaching,noexperience,nopractice.Theseaidssooncame,thenthatninemonthsvanished,andtheimaginaryten-thousand-dollarinvestmentcamemarchinghomewiththreehundredpercent.profitonitsback!

ItwasagreatdayforthepairofFosters.Theywerespeechlessforjoy.Alsospeechlessforanotherreason:aftermuchwatchingofthemarket,Aleckhadlately,withfearandtrembling,madeherfirstflyerona"margin,"usingtheremainingtwentythousandofthebequestinthisrisk.Inhermind'seyeshehadseenitclimb,pointbypoint--alwayswithachancethatthemarketwouldbreak--untilatlastheranxietiesweretoogreatforfurtherendurance--shebeingnewtothemarginbusinessandunhardened,asyet--andshegaveherimaginarybrokeranimaginaryorderbyimaginarytelegraphtosell.Shesaidforty

thousanddollars'profitwasenough.Thesalewasmadeontheverydaythatthecoalventurehadreturnedwithitsrichfreight.AsIhavesaid,thecouplewerespeechless,theysatdazedandblissfulthatnight,tryingtorealizethattheywereactuallyworthahundredthousanddollarsinclean,imaginarycash.Yetsoitwas.

ItwasthelasttimethateverAleckwasafraidofamargin;atleastafraidenoughtoletitbreakhersleepandpalehercheektotheextentthatthisfirstexperienceinthatlinehaddone.

Indeeditwasamemorablenight.Graduallytherealizationthattheywererichsanksecurelyhomeintothesoulsofthepair,thentheybegantoplacethemoney.Ifwecouldhavelookedoutthroughtheeyesof

thesedreamers,weshouldhaveseentheirtidylittlewoodenhousedisappear,andtwo-storybrickwithacast-ironfenceinfrontofittakeitsplace;weshouldhaveseenathree-globedgas-chandeliergrowdownfromtheparlorceiling;weshouldhaveseenthehomelyragcarpetturntonobleBrussels,adollarandahalfayard;weshouldhaveseentheplebeianfireplacevanishawayandarecherche,bigbase-burnerwithisinglasswindowstakepositionandspreadawearound.Andweshouldhaveseenotherthings,too;amongthemthebuggy,thelap-robe,thestove-pipehat,andsoon.

Fromthattimeforth,althoughthedaughtersandtheneighborssawonlythesameoldwoodenhousethere,itwasatwo-storybricktoAleckandSallyandnotanightwentbythatAleckdidnotworryaboutthe

imaginarygas-bills,andgetforallcomfortSally'srecklessretort:"Whatofit?Wecanaffordit."

Beforethecouplewenttobed,thatfirstnightthattheywererich,theyhaddecidedthattheymustcelebrate.Theymustgiveaparty--thatwastheidea.Buthowtoexplainit--tothedaughtersandtheneighbors?Theycouldnotexposethefactthattheywererich.Sallywaswilling,evenanxious,todoit;butAleckkeptherheadandwouldnotallowit.Shesaidthatalthoughthemoneywasasgoodasin,itwouldbeaswelltowaituntilitwasactuallyin.Onthatpolicyshetookherstand,and



wouldnotbudge.Thegreatsecretmustbekept,shesaid--keptfromthedaughtersandeverybodyelse.

Thepairwerepuzzled.Theymustcelebrate,theyweredeterminedtocelebrate,butsincethesecretmustbekept,whatcouldtheycelebrate?Nobirthdaysweredueforthreemonths.Tilburywasn'tavailable,evidentlyhewasgoingtoliveforever;whatthenationCOULDtheycelebrate?ThatwasSally'swayofputtingit;andhewasgettingimpatient,too,andharassed.Butatlasthehitit--justbysheerinspiration,asitseemedtohim--andalltheirtroublesweregoneinamoment;theywouldcelebratetheDiscoveryofAmerica.Asplendididea!

AleckwasalmosttooproudofSallyforwords--shesaidSHEneverwouldhavethoughtofit.ButSally,althoughhewasburstingwithdelightinthecomplimentandwithwonderathimself,triednottoleton,andsaiditwasn'treallyanything,anybodycouldhavedoneit.WhereatAleck,withapridefultossofherhappyhead,said:

"Oh,certainly!Anybodycould--oh,anybody!HosannahDilkins,forinstance!OrmaybeAdelbertPeanut--oh,DEAR--yes!Well,I'dliketoseethemtryit,that'sall.Dear-me-suz,iftheycouldthinkofthediscoveryofaforty-acreislandit'smorethanIbelievetheycould;andasforthewholecontinent,why,SallyFoster,youknowperfectlywellitwouldstraintheliversandlightsoutofthemandTHENthey

couldn't!"

Thedearwoman,sheknewhehadtalent;andifaffectionmadeherover-estimatethesizeofitalittle,surelyitwasasweetandgentlecrime,andforgivableforitssource'ssake.

CHAPTERV

Thecelebrationwentoffwell.Thefriendswereallpresent,boththeyoungandtheold.AmongtheyoungwereFlossieandGraciePeanutand

theirbrotherAdelbert,whowasarisingyoungjourneymantinner,alsoHosannahDilkins,Jr.,journeymanplasterer,justoutofhisapprenticeship.FormanymonthsAdelbertandHosannahhadbeenshowinginterestinGwendolenandClytemnestraFoster,andtheparentsofthegirlshadnoticedthiswithprivatesatisfaction.Buttheysuddenlyrealizednowthatthatfeelinghadpassed.Theyrecognizedthatthechangedfinancialconditionshadraisedupasocialbarbetweentheirdaughtersandtheyoungmechanics.Thedaughterscouldnowlookhigher--andmust.Yes,must.Theyneedmarrynothingbelowthegradeoflawyerormerchant;poppaandmommawouldtakecareofthis;theremustbenomesalliances.

However,thesethinkingsandprojectsoftheirwereprivate,anddidnot

showonthesurface,andthereforethrewnoshadowuponthecelebration.Whatshoweduponthesurfacewasasereneandloftycontentmentandadignityofcarriageandgravityofdeportmentwhichcompelledtheadmirationandlikewisethewonderofthecompany.Allnoticeditandallcommenteduponit,butnonewasabletodivinethesecretofit.Itwasamarvelandamystery.Threeseveralpersonsremarked,withoutsuspectingwhatclevershotstheyweremaking:

"It'sasifthey'dcomeintoproperty."



Thatwasjustit,indeed.

Mostmotherswouldhavetakenholdofthematrimonialmatterintheoldregulationway;theywouldhavegiventhegirlsatalkingto,ofasolemnsortanduntactful--alecturecalculatedtodefeatitsownpurpose,byproducingtearsandsecretrebellion;andthesaidmotherswouldhavefurtherdamagedthebusinessbyrequestingtheyoungmechanicstodiscontinuetheirattentions.Butthismotherwasdifferent.Shewaspractical.Shesaidnothingtoanyoftheyoungpeopleconcerned,nortoanyoneelseexceptSally.Helistenedtoherandunderstood;understoodandadmired.Hesaid:

"Igettheidea.Insteadoffindingfaultwiththesamplesonview,thushurtingfeelingsandobstructingtradewithoutoccasion,youmerelyofferahigherclassofgoodsforthemoney,andleavenaturetotakehercourse.It'swisdom,Aleck,solidwisdom,andsoundasanut.Who'syourfish?Haveyounominatedhimyet?"

No,shehadn't.Theymustlookthemarketover--whichtheydid.Tostartwith,theyconsideredanddiscussedBrandish,risingyounglawyer,andFulton,risingyoungdentist.Sallymustinvitethemtodinner.Butnotrightaway;therewasnohurry,Alecksaid.Keepaneyeonthepair,andwait;nothingwouldbelostbygoingslowlyinsoimportantamatter.

Itturnedoutthatthiswaswisdom,too;forinsideofthreeweeksAleckmadeawonderfulstrikewhichswelledherimaginaryhundredthousandtofourhundredthousandofthesamequality.SheandSallywereinthecloudsthatevening.Forthefirsttimetheyintroducedchampagneatdinner.Notrealchampagne,butplentyrealenoughfortheamountofimaginationexpendedonit.ItwasSallythatdidit,andAleckweaklysubmitted.Atbottombothweretroubledandashamed,forhewasahigh-upSonofTemperance,andatfuneralsworeanapronwhichnodogcouldlookuponandretainhisreasonandhisopinion;andshewasaW.C.T.U.,withallthatthatimpliesofboiler-ironvirtueandunendurableholiness.Butthereitwas;theprideofricheswasbeginningitsdisintegratingwork.Theyhadlivedtoprove,oncemore,asadtruthwhichhadbeenprovenmanytimesbeforeintheworld:that

whereasprincipleisagreatandnobleprotectionagainstshowyanddegradingvanitiesandvices,povertyisworthsixofit.Morethanfourhundredthousanddollarstothegood.Theytookupthematrimonialmatteragain.Neitherthedentistnorthelawyerwasmentioned;therewasnooccasion,theywereoutoftherunning.Disqualified.Theydiscussedthesonofthepork-packerandthesonofthevillagebanker.Butfinally,asinthepreviouscase,theyconcludedtowaitandthink,andgocautiouslyandsure.

Luckcametheirwayagain.Aleck,everwatchfulsawagreatandriskychance,andtookadaringflyer.Atimeoftrembling,ofdoubt,ofawfuluneasinessfollowed,fornon-successmeantabsoluteruinandnothingshortofit.Thencametheresult,andAleck,faintwithjoy,could

hardlycontrolhervoicewhenshesaid:

"Thesuspenseisover,Sally--andweareworthacoldmillion!"

Sallyweptforgratitude,andsaid:

"Oh,Electra,jewelofwomen,darlingofmyheart,wearefreeatlast,werollinwealth,weneedneverscrimpagain.It'sacaseforVeuveCliquot!"andhegotoutapintofspruce-beerandmadesacrifice,hesaying"Damntheexpense,"andsherebukinghimgentlywithreproachful



buthumidandhappyeyes.

Theyshelvedthepork-packer'ssonandthebanker'sson,andsatdowntoconsidertheGovernor'ssonandthesonoftheCongressman.

CHAPTERVI

ItwereawearinesstofollowindetailtheleapsandboundstheFosterfictitiousfinancestookfromthistimeforth.Itwasmarvelous,itwasdizzying,itwasdazzling.EverythingAlecktouchedturnedtofairygold,andheapeditselfglitteringtowardthefirmament.Millionsuponmillionspouredin,andstillthemightystreamflowedthunderingalong,stillitsvastvolumeincreased.Fivemillions--tenmillions--twenty--thirty--wastherenevertobeanend?

Twoyearssweptbyinasplendiddelirium,theintoxicatedFostersscarcelynoticingtheflightoftime.Theywerenowworththreehundredmilliondollars;theywereineveryboardofdirectorsofeveryprodigiouscombineinthecountry;andstillastimedriftedalong,themillionswentonpilingup,fiveatatime,tenatatime,asfastastheycouldtallythemoff,almost.Thethreehundreddoubleitself--then

doubledagain--andyetagain--andyetoncemore.

Twenty-fourhundredmillions!

Thebusinesswasgettingalittleconfused.Itwasnecessarytotakeanaccountofstock,andstraightenitout.TheFostersknewit,theyfeltit,theyrealizedthatitwasimperative;buttheyalsoknewthattodoitproperlyandperfectlythetaskmustbecarriedtoafinishwithoutabreakwhenonceitwasbegun.Aten-hours'job;andwherecouldTHEYfindtenleisurehoursinabunch?Sallywassellingpinsandsugarandcalicoalldayandeveryday;Aleckwascookingandwashingdishesandsweepingandmakingbedsalldayandeveryday,withnonetohelp,forthedaughterswerebeingsavedupforhighsociety.TheFostersknew

therewasonewaytogetthetenhours,andonlyone.Bothwereashamedtonameit;eachwaitedfortheothertodoit.FinallySallysaid:

"Somebody'sgottogivein.It'suptome.ConsiderthatI'venamedit--nevermindpronouncingitoutaloud."

Aleckcolored,butwasgrateful.Withoutfurtherremark,theyfell.Fell,and--broketheSabbath.Forthatwastheironlyfreeten-hourstretch.Itwasbutanotherstepinthedownwardpath.Otherswouldfollow.Vastwealthhastemptationswhichfatallyandsurelyunderminethemoralstructureofpersonsnothabituatedtoitspossession.

TheypulleddowntheshadesandbroketheSabbath.Withhardandpatient

labortheyoverhauledtheirholdingsandlistedthem.Andalong-drawnprocessionofformidablenamesitwas!StartingwiththeRailwaySystems,SteamerLines,StandardOil,OceanCables,DilutedTelegraph,andalltherest,andwindingupwithKlondike,DeBeers,TammanyGraft,andShadyPrivilegesinthePost-officeDepartment.

Twenty-fourhundredmillions,andallsafelyplantedinGoodThings,gilt-edgedandinterest-bearing.Income,$120,000,000ayear.Aleckfetchedalongpurrofsoftdelight,andsaid:



"Isitenough?"

"Itis,Aleck."

"Whatshallwedo?"

"Standpat."

"Retirefrombusiness?"

"That'sit."

"Iamagreed.Thegoodworkisfinished;wewilltakealongrestandenjoythemoney."

"Good!Aleck!"

"Yes,dear?"

"Howmuchoftheincomecanwespend?"

"Thewholeofit."

Itseemedtoherhusbandthatatonofchainsfellfromhislimbs.He

didnotsayaword;hewashappybeyondthepowerofspeech.

Afterthat,theybroketheSabbathsrightalongasfastastheyturnedup.Itisthefirstwrongstepthatcounts.EverySundaytheyputinthewholeday,aftermorningservice,oninventions--inventionsofwaystospendthemoney.Theygottocontinuingthisdeliciousdissipationuntilpastmidnight;andateveryseanceAlecklavishedmillionsupongreatcharitiesandreligiousenterprises,andSallylavishedlikesumsuponmatterstowhich(atfirst)hegavedefinitenames.Onlyatfirst.Laterthenamesgraduallylostsharpnessofoutline,andeventuallyfadedinto"sundries,"thusbecomingentirely--butsafely--undescriptive.ForSallywascrumbling.Theplacingofthesemillionsaddedseriouslyandmostuncomfortablytothefamilyexpenses--intallowcandles.Forawhile

Aleckwasworried.Then,afteralittle,sheceasedtoworry,fortheoccasionofitwasgone.Shewaspained,shewasgrieved,shewasashamed;butshesaidnothing,andsobecameanaccessory.Sallywastakingcandles;hewasrobbingthestore.Itiseverthus.Vastwealth,tothepersonunaccustomedtoit,isabane;iteatsintothefleshandboneofhismorals.WhentheFosterswerepoor,theycouldhavebeentrustedwithuntoldcandles.Butnowthey--butletusnotdwelluponit.Fromcandlestoapplesisbutastep:Sallygottotakingapples;thensoap;thenmaple-sugar;thencannedgoods;thencrockery.Howeasyitistogofrombadtoworse,whenoncewehavestarteduponadownwardcourse!

Meantime,othereffectshadbeenmilestoningthecourseoftheFosters'

splendidfinancialmarch.Thefictitiousbrickdwellinghadgivenplacetoanimaginarygraniteonewithachecker-boardmansardroof;intimethisonedisappearedandgaveplacetoastillgranderhome--andsoonandsoon.Mansionaftermansion,madeofair,rose,higher,broader,finer,andeachinitsturnvanishedaway;untilnowintheselattergreatdays,ourdreamerswereinfancyhoused,inadistantregion,inasumptuousvastpalacewhichlookedoutfromaleafysummituponanobleprospectofvaleandriverandrecedinghillssteepedintintedmists--andallprivate,allthepropertyofthedreamers;apalaceswarmingwithliveriedservants,andpopulouswithguestsoffameand



power,hailingfromalltheworld'scapitals,foreignanddomestic.

Thispalacewasfar,farawaytowardtherisingsun,immeasurablyremote,astronomicallyremote,inNewport,RhodeIsland,HolyLandofHighSociety,ineffableDomainoftheAmericanAristocracy.AsaruletheyspentapartofeverySabbath--aftermorningservice--inthissumptuoushome,therestofittheyspentinEurope,orindawdlingaroundintheirprivateyacht.SixdaysofsordidandploddingfactlifeathomeontheraggededgeofLakesideandstraitenedmeans,theseventhinFairyland--suchhadbeentheirprogramandtheirhabit.

Intheirsternlyrestrictedfactlifetheyremainedasofold--plodding,diligent,careful,practical,economical.TheystuckloyallytothelittlePresbyterianChurch,andlaboredfaithfullyinitsinterestsandstoodbyitshighandtoughdoctrineswithalltheirmentalandspiritualenergies.Butintheirdreamlifetheyobeyedtheinvitationsoftheirfancies,whatevertheymightbe,andhowsoeverthefanciesmightchange.Aleck'sfancieswerenotverycapricious,andnotfrequent,butSally'sscatteredagooddeal.Aleck,inherdreamlife,wentovertotheEpiscopalcamp,onaccountofitslargeofficialtitles;nextshebecameHigh-churchonaccountofthecandlesandshows;andnextshenaturallychangedtoRome,wheretherewerecardinalsandmorecandles.ButtheseexcursionswereanothingtoSally's.Hisdreamlifewasaglowingandcontinuousandpersistentexcitement,andhekept

everypartofitfreshandsparklingbyfrequentchanges,thereligiouspartalongwiththerest.Heworkedhisreligionshard,andchangedthemwithhisshirt.

TheliberalspendingsoftheFostersupontheirfanciesbeganearlyintheirprosperities,andgrewinprodigalitystepbystepwiththeiradvancingfortunes.Intimetheybecametrulyenormous.AleckbuiltauniversityortwoperSunday;alsoahospitalortwo;alsoaRowtonhotelorso;alsoabatchofchurches;nowandthenacathedral;andonce,withuntimelyandill-chosenplayfulness,Sallysaid,"Itwasacolddaywhenshedidn'tshipacargoofmissionariestopersuadeunreflectingChinamentotradeofftwenty-fourcaratConfucianismforcounterfeitChristianity."

ThisrudeandunfeelinglanguagehurtAlecktotheheart,andshewentfromthepresencecrying.Thatspectaclewenttohisownheart,andinhispainandshamehewouldhavegivenworldstohavethoseunkindwordsback.Shehadutterednosyllableofreproach--andthatcuthim.Notonesuggestionthathelookathisownrecord--andshecouldhavemade,oh,somany,andsuchblisteringones!Hergeneroussilencebroughtaswiftrevenge,foritturnedhisthoughtsuponhimself,itsummonedbeforehimaspectralprocession,amovingvisionofhislifeashehadbeenleadingitthesepastfewyearsoflimitlessprosperity,andashesattherereviewingithischeeksburnedandhissoulwassteepedinhumiliation.Lookatherlife--howfairitwas,andtendingeverupward;andlookathisown--howfrivolous,howchargedwithmeanvanities,

howselfish,howempty,howignoble!Anditstrend--neverupward,butdownward,everdownward!

Heinstitutedcomparisonsbetweenherrecordandhisown.Hehadfoundfaultwithher--sohemused--HE!Andwhatcouldhesayforhimself?Whenshebuiltherfirstchurchwhatwashedoing?GatheringotherblasemultimillionairesintoaPokerClub;defilinghisownpalacewithit;losinghundredsofthousandstoitateverysitting,andsillilyvainoftheadmiringnotorietyitmadeforhim.Whenshewasbuildingherfirstuniversity,whatwashedoing?Pollutinghimselfwithagay



anddissipatedsecretlifeinthecompanyofotherfastbloods,multimillionairesinmoneyandpaupersincharacter.Whenshewasbuildingherfirstfoundlingasylum,whatwashedoing?Alas!WhenshewasprojectinghernobleSocietyforthePurifyingoftheSex,whatwashedoing?Ah,what,indeed!WhensheandtheW.C.T.U.andtheWomanwiththeHatchet,movingwithresistlessmarch,weresweepingthefatalbottlefromtheland,whatwashedoing?Gettingdrunkthreetimesaday.Whenshe,builderofahundredcathedrals,wasbeinggratefullywelcomedandblestinpapalRomeanddecoratedwiththeGoldenRosewhichshehadsohonorablyearned,whatwashedoing?BreakingthebankatMonteCarlo.

Hestopped.Hecouldgonofarther;hecouldnotbeartherest.Heroseup,withagreatresolutionuponhislips:thissecretlifeshouldberevealing,andconfessed;nolongerwouldheliveitclandestinely,hewouldgoandtellherAll.

Andthatiswhathedid.HetoldherAll;andweptuponherbosom;wept,andmoaned,andbeggedforherforgiveness.Itwasaprofoundshock,andshestaggeredundertheblow,buthewasherown,thecoreofherheart,theblessingofhereyes,herallinall,shecoulddenyhimnothing,andsheforgavehim.Shefeltthathecouldneveragainbequitetoherwhathehadbeenbefore;sheknewthathecouldonlyrepent,andnotreform;yetallmorallydefacedanddecayedashewas,washenother

own,herveryown,theidolofherdeathlessworship?Shesaidshewashisserf,hisslave,andsheopenedheryearningheartandtookhimin.

CHAPTERVII

OneSundayafternoonsometimeafterthistheyweresailingthesummerseasintheirdreamyacht,andreclininginlazyluxuryundertheawningoftheafter-deck.Therewassilence,foreachwasbusywithhisownthoughts.Theseseasonsofsilencehadinsensiblybeengrowingmoreandmorefrequentoflate;theoldnearnessandcordialitywerewaning.

Sally'sterriblerevelationhaddoneitswork;Aleckhadtriedhardtodrivethememoryofitoutofhermind,butitwouldnotgo,andtheshameandbitternessofitwerepoisoninghergraciousdreamlife.Shecouldseenow(onSundays)thatherhusbandwasbecomingabloatedandrepulsiveThing.Shecouldnotclosehereyestothis,andinthesedaysshenolongerlookedathim,Sundays,whenshecouldhelpit.

Butshe--wassheherselfwithoutblemish?Alas,sheknewshewasnot.Shewaskeepingasecretfromhim,shewasactingdishonorablytowardhim,andmanyapangitwascostingher.SHEWASBREAKINGTHECOMPACT,ANDCONCEALINGITFROMHIM.Understrongtemptationshehadgoneintobusinessagain;shehadriskedtheirwholefortuneinapurchaseofalltherailwaysystemsandcoalandsteelcompaniesinthecountryona

margin,andshewasnowtrembling,everySabbathhour,lestthroughsomechancewordofhershefinditout.Inhermiseryandremorseforthistreacheryshecouldnotkeepherheartfromgoingouttohiminpity;shewasfilledwithcompunctionstoseehimlyingthere,drunkandcontented,andeversuspecting.Neversuspecting--trustingherwithaperfectandpathetictrust,andsheholdingoverhimbyathreadapossiblecalamityofsodevastatinga--

"SAY--Aleck?"



Theinterruptingwordsbroughthersuddenlytoherself.Shewasgratefultohavethatpersecutingsubjectfromherthoughts,andsheanswered,withmuchoftheold-timetendernessinhertone:

"Yes,dear."

"Doyouknow,Aleck,Ithinkwearemakingamistake--thatis,youare.Imeanaboutthemarriagebusiness."Hesatup,fatandfroggyandbenevolent,likeabronzeBuddha,andgrewearnest."Consider--it'smorethanfiveyears.You'vecontinuedthesamepolicyfromthestart:witheveryrise,alwaysholdingonforfivepointshigher.AlwayswhenIthinkwearegoingtohavesomeweddings,youseeabiggerthingahead,andIundergoanotherdisappointment.Ithinkyouaretoohardtoplease.Somedaywe'llgetleft.First,weturneddownthedentistandthelawyer.Thatwasallright--itwassound.Next,weturneddownthebanker'ssonandthepork-butcher'sheir--rightagain,andsound.Next,weturneddowntheCongressman'ssonandtheGovernor's--rightasatrivet,Iconfessit.NexttheSenator'ssonandthesonoftheVice-PresidentoftheUnitedStates--perfectlyright,there'snopermanencyaboutthoselittledistinctions.Thenyouwentforthearistocracy;andIthoughtwehadstruckoilatlast--yes.WewouldmakeaplungeattheFourHundred,andpullinsomeancientlineage,venerable,holy,ineffable,mellowwiththeantiquityofahundredandfiftyyears,disinfectedoftheancestralodorsofsalt-codandpelts

allofacenturyago,andunsmirchedbyaday'sworksince,andthen!why,thenthemarriages,ofcourse.Butno,alongcomesapairofrealaristocratsfromEurope,andstraightwayyouthrowoverthehalf-breeds.Itwasawfullydiscouraging,Aleck!Sincethen,whataprocession!Youturneddownthebaronetsforapairofbarons;youturneddownthebaronsforapairofviscounts;theviscountsforapairofearls;theearlsforapairofmarquises;themarquisesforabraceofdukes.NOW,Aleck,cashin!--you'veplayedthelimit.You'vegotajoblotoffourdukesunderthehammer;offournationalities;allsoundinthewindandlimbandpedigree,allbankruptandindebtuptotheears.Theycomehigh,butwecanaffordit.Come,Aleck,don'tdelayanylonger,don'tkeepupthesuspense:takethewholelay-out,andleavethegirlstochoose!"

Aleckhadbeensmilingblandlyandcontentedlyallthroughthisarraignmentofhermarriagepolicy,apleasantlight,asoftriumphwithperhapsanicesurprisepeepingoutthroughit,roseinhereyes,andshesaid,ascalmlyasshecould:

"Sally,whatwouldyousayto--ROYALTY?"

Prodigious!Poorman,itknockedhimsilly,andhefelloverthegarboard-strakeandbarkedhisshinonthecat-heads.Hewasdizzyforamoment,thenhegatheredhimselfupandlimpedoverandsatdownbyhiswifeandbeamedhisold-timeadmirationandaffectionuponherinfloods,outofhisblearyeyes.

"ByGeorge!"hesaid,fervently,"Aleck,youAREgreat--thegreatestwomaninthewholeearth!Ican'teverlearnthewholesizeofyou.Ican'teverlearntheimmeasurabledeepsofyou.HereI'vebeenconsideringmyselfqualifiedtocriticizeyourgame.I!Why,ifIhadstoppedtothink,I'dhaveknownyouhadalonehandupyoursleeve.Now,dearheart,I'mallred-hotimpatience--tellmeaboutit!"

Theflatteredandhappywomanputherlipstohisearandwhisperedaprincelyname.Itmadehimcatchhisbreath,itlithisfacewith



exultation.

"Land!"hesaid,"it'sastunningcatch!He'sgotagambling-hall,andagraveyard,andabishop,andacathedral--allhisveryown.Andallgilt-edgedfive-hundred-per-cent.stock,everydetailofit;thetidiestlittlepropertyinEurope;andthatgraveyard--it'stheselectestintheworld:nonebutsuicidesadmitted;YES,sir,andthefree-listsuspended,too,ALLthetime.Thereisn'tmuchlandintheprincipality,butthere'senough:eighthundredacresinthegraveyardandforty-twooutside.It'saSOVEREIGNTY--that'sthemainthing;LAND'Snothing.There'splentyland,Sahara'sdruggedwithit."

Aleckglowed;shewasprofoundlyhappy.Shesaid:

"Thinkofit,Sally--itisafamilythathasnevermarriedoutsidetheRoyalandImperialHousesofEurope:ourgrandchildrenwillsituponthrones!"

"Trueasyoulive,Aleck--andbearscepters,too;andhandlethemasnaturallyandnonchantlyasIhandleayardstick.It'sagrandcatch,Aleck.He'scorralled,ishe?Can'tgetaway?Youdidn'ttakehimonamargin?"

"No.Trustmeforthat.He'snotaliability,he'sanasset.Soisthe

otherone."

"Whoisit,Aleck?"

"HisRoyalHighnessSigismund-Siegfriend-Lauenfeld-Dinkelspiel-SchwartzenbergBlutwurst,HereditaryGrantDukeofKatzenyammer."

"No!Youcan'tmeanit!"

"It'sastrueasI'msittinghere,Igiveyoumyword,"sheanswered.

Hiscupwasfull,andhehuggedhertohisheartwithrapture,saying:

"Howwonderfulitallseems,andhowbeautiful!It'soneoftheoldestandnoblestofthethreehundredandsixty-fourancientGermanprincipalities,andoneofthefewthatwasallowedtoretainitsroyalestatewhenBismarckgotdonetrimmingthem.Iknowthatfarm,I'vebeenthere.It'sgotarope-walkandacandle-factoryandanarmy.Standingarmy.Infantryandcavalry.Threesoldierandahorse.Aleck,it'sbeenalongwait,andfullofheartbreakandhopedeferred,butGodknowsIamhappynow.Happy,andgratefultoyou,myown,whohavedoneitall.Whenisittobe?"

"NextSunday."

"Good.Andwe'llwanttodotheseweddingsupintheveryregaleststylethat'sgoing.It'sproperlyduetotheroyalqualityofthepartiesofthefirstpart.NowasIunderstandit,thereisonlyonekindofmarriagethatissacredtoroyalty,exclusivetoroyalty:it'sthemorganatic."

"Whatdotheycallitthatfor,Sally?"

"Idon'tknow;butanywayit'sroyal,androyalonly."



"Thenwewillinsistuponit.More--Iwillcompelit.Itismorganaticmarriageornone."

"Thatsettlesit!"saidSally,rubbinghishandswithdelight."AnditwillbetheveryfirstinAmerica.Aleck,itwillmakeNewportsick."

Thentheyfellsilent,anddriftedawayupontheirdreamwingstothefarregionsoftheearthtoinviteallthecrownedheadsandtheirfamiliesandprovidegratistransportationtothem.

CHAPTERVIII

Duringthreedaysthecouplewalkeduponair,withtheirheadsintheclouds.Theywerebutvaguelyconsciousoftheirsurroundings;theysawallthingsdimly,asthroughaveil;theyweresteepedindreams,oftentheydidnothearwhentheywerespokento;theyoftendidnotunderstandwhentheyheard;theyansweredconfusedlyoratrandom;Sallysoldmolassesbyweight,sugarbytheyard,andfurnishedsoapwhenaskedforcandles,andAleckputthecatinthewashandfedmilktothesoiledlinen.Everybodywasstunnedandamazed,andwentaboutmuttering,"WhatCANbethematterwiththeFosters?"

Threedays.Thencameevents!Thingshadtakenahappyturn,andforforty-eighthoursAleck'simaginarycornerhadbeenbooming.Up--up--stillup!Costpointwaspassed.Stillup--andup--andup!Costpointwaspassed.STillup--andup--andup!Fivepointsabovecost--thenten--fifteen--twenty!Twentypointscoldprofitonthevastventure,now,andAleck'simaginarybrokerswereshoutingfranticallybyimaginarylong-distance,"Sell!sell!forHeaven'ssakeSELL!"

ShebrokethesplendidnewstoSally,andhe,too,said,"Sell!sell--oh,don'tmakeablunder,now,youowntheearth!--sell,sell!"Butshesetherironwillandlasheditamidships,andsaidshewouldholdonforfivepointsmoreifshediedforit.

Itwasafatalresolve.Theverynextdaycamethehistoriccrash,therecordcrash,thedevastatingcrash,whenthebottomfelloutofWallStreet,andthewholebodyofgilt-edgedstocksdroppedninety-fivepointsinfivehours,andthemultimillionairewasseenbegginghisbreadintheBowery.Alecksternlyheldhergripand"putup"aslongasshecould,butatlasttherecameacallwhichshewaspowerlesstomeet,andherimaginarybrokerssoldherout.Then,andnottillthen,themaninherwasvanished,andthewomaninherresumedsway.Sheputherarmsaboutherhusband'sneckandwept,saying:

"Iamtoblame,donotforgiveme,Icannotbearit.Wearepaupers!Paupers,andIamsomiserable.Theweddingswillnevercomeoff;all

thatispast;wecouldnotevenbuythedentist,now."

AbitterreproachwasonSally'stongue:"IBEGGEDyoutosell,butyou--"Hedidnotsayit;hehadnotthehearttoaddahurttothatbrokenandrepentantspirit.Anoblerthoughtcametohimandhesaid:

"Bearup,myAleck,allisnotlost!Youreallyneverinvestedapennyofmyuncle'sbequest,butonlyitsunmaterializedfuture;whatwehavelostwasonlytheincrementedharvestfromthatfuturebyyourincomparablefinancialjudgmentandsagacity.Cheerup,banishthese



griefs;westillhavethethirtythousanduntouched;andwiththeexperiencewhichyouhaveacquired,thinkwhatyouwillbeabletodowithitinacoupleyears!Themarriagesarenotoff,theyareonlypostponed."

Theseareblessedwords.Alecksawhowtruetheywere,andtheirinfluencewaselectric;hertearsceasedtoflow,andhergreatspiritrosetoitsfullstatureagain.Withflashingeyeandgratefulheart,andwithhandupliftedinpledgeandprophecy,shesaid:

"NowandhereIproclaim--"

Butshewasinterruptedbyavisitor.ItwastheeditorandproprietoroftheSAGAMORE.HehadhappenedintoLakesidetopayaduty-calluponanobscuregrandmotherofhiswhowasnearingtheendofherpilgrimage,andwiththeideaofcombiningbusinesswithgriefhehadlookeduptheFosters,whohadbeensoabsorbedinotherthingsforthepastfouryearsthattheyneglectedtopayuptheirsubscription.Sixdollarsdue.Novisitorcouldhavebeenmorewelcome.HewouldknowallaboutUncleTilburyandwhathischancesmightbegettingtobe,cemeterywards.Theycould,ofcourse,asknoquestions,forthatwouldsquelchthebequest,buttheycouldnibblearoundontheedgeofthesubjectandhopeforresults.Theschemedidnotwork.Theobtuseeditordidnotknowhewasbeingnibbledat;butatlast,chanceaccomplishedwhatarthadfailed

in.Inillustrationofsomethingunderdiscussionwhichrequiredthehelpofmetaphor,theeditorsaid:

"Land,it'satoughasTilburyFoster!--asWEsay."

Itwassudden,anditmadetheFostersjump.Theeditornoticed,andsaid,apologetically:

"Noharmintended,Iassureyou.It'sjustasaying;justajoke,youknow--nothingofit.Relationofyours?"

Sallycrowdedhisburningeagernessdown,andansweredwithalltheindifferencehecouldassume:

"I--well,notthatIknowof,butwe'veheardofhim."Theeditorwasthankful,andresumedhiscomposure.Sallyadded:"Ishe--ishe--well?"

"IsheWELL?Why,blessyouhe'sinSheolthesefiveyears!"

TheFostersweretremblingwithgrief,thoughitfeltlikejoy.Sallysaid,non-committally--andtentatively:

"Ah,well,suchislife,andnonecanescape--noteventhericharespared."

Theeditorlaughed.

"IfyouareincludingTilbury,"saidhe,"itdon'tapply.HEhadn'tacent;thetownhadtoburyhim."

TheFosterssatpetrifiedfortwominutes;petrifiedandcold.Then,white-facedandweak-voiced,Sallyasked:

"Isittrue?DoyouKNOWittobetrue?"

"Well,Ishouldsay!Iwasoneoftheexecutors.Hehadn'tanythingto



leavebutawheelbarrow,andheleftthattome.Ithadn'tanywheel,andwasn'tanygood.Still,itwassomething,andso,tosquareup,Iscribbledoffasortofalittleobituarialsend-offforhim,butitgotcrowdedout."

TheFosterswerenotlistening--theircupwasfull,itcouldcontainnomore.Theysatwithbowedheads,deadtoallthingsbuttheacheattheirhearts.

Anhourlater.Stilltheysatthere,bowed,motionless,silent,thevisitorlongagogone,theyunaware.

Thentheystirred,andliftedtheirheadswearily,andgazedateachotherwistfully,dreamily,dazed;thenpresentlybegantotwaddletoeachotherinawanderingandchildishway.Atintervalstheylapsedintosilences,leavingasentenceunfinished,seeminglyeitherunawareofitorlosingtheirway.Sometimes,whentheywokeoutofthesesilencestheyhadadimandtransientconsciousnessthatsomethinghadhappenedtotheirminds;thenwithadumbandyearningsolicitudetheywouldsoftlycaresseachother'shandsinmutualcompassionandsupport,asiftheywouldsay:"Iamnearyou,Iwillnotforsakeyou,wewillbearittogether;somewherethereisreleaseandforgetfulness,somewherethereisagraveandpeace;bepatient,itwillnotbelong."

Theylivedyettwoyears,inmentalnight,alwaysbrooding,steepedinvagueregretsandmelancholydreams,neverspeaking;thenreleasecametobothonthesameday.

TowardtheendthedarknessliftedfromSally'sruinedmindforamoment,andhesaid:

"Vastwealth,acquiredbysuddenandunwholesomemeans,isasnare.Itdidusnogood,transientwereitsfeverishpleasures;yetforitssakewethrewawayoursweetandsimpleandhappylife--letotherstakewarningbyus."

Helaysilentawhile,withclosedeyes;thenasthechillofdeathcrept

upwardtowardhisheart,andconsciousnesswasfadingfromhisbrain,hemuttered:

"Moneyhadbroughthimmisery,andhetookhisrevengeuponus,whohaddonehimnoharm.Hehadhisdesire:withbaseandcunningcalculationheleftusbutthirtythousand,knowingwewouldtrytoincreaseit,andruinourlifeandbreakourhearts.Withoutaddedexpensehecouldhaveleftusfarabovedesireofincrease,farabovethetemptationtospeculate,andakindersoulwouldhavedoneit;butinhimwasnogenerousspirit,nopity,no--"

ADOG'STALE

CHAPTERI

MyfatherwasaSt.Bernard,mymotherwasacollie,butIama



Presbyterian.Thisiswhatmymothertoldme,Idonotknowthesenicedistinctionsmyself.Tometheyareonlyfinelargewordsmeaningnothing.Mymotherhadafondnessforsuch;shelikedtosaythem,andseeotherdogslooksurprisedandenvious,aswonderinghowshegotsomucheducation.But,indeed,itwasnotrealeducation;itwasonlyshow:shegotthewordsbylisteninginthedining-roomanddrawing-roomwhentherewascompany,andbygoingwiththechildrentoSunday-schoolandlisteningthere;andwheneversheheardalargewordshesaiditovertoherselfmanytimes,andsowasabletokeepituntiltherewasadogmaticgatheringintheneighborhood,thenshewouldgetitoff,andsurpriseanddistressthemall,frompocket-puptomastiff,whichrewardedherforallhertrouble.Iftherewasastrangerhewasnearlysuretobesuspicious,andwhenhegothisbreathagainhewouldaskherwhatitmeant.Andshealwaystoldhim.Hewasneverexpectingthisbutthoughthewouldcatchher;sowhenshetoldhim,hewastheonethatlookedashamed,whereashehadthoughtitwasgoingtobeshe.Theotherswerealwayswaitingforthis,andgladofitandproudofher,fortheyknewwhatwasgoingtohappen,becausetheyhadhadexperience.Whenshetoldthemeaningofabigwordtheywereallsotakenupwithadmirationthatitneveroccurredtoanydogtodoubtifitwastherightone;andthatwasnatural,because,foronething,sheansweredupsopromptlythatitseemedlikeadictionaryspeaking,andforanotherthing,wherecouldtheyfindoutwhetheritwasrightornot?forshewastheonlycultivateddogtherewas.Byandby,whenIwasolder,she

broughthomethewordUnintellectual,onetime,andworkeditprettyhardalltheweekatdifferentgatherings,makingmuchunhappinessanddespondency;anditwasatthistimethatInoticedthatduringthatweekshewasaskedforthemeaningateightdifferentassemblages,andflashedoutafreshdefinitioneverytime,whichshowedmethatshehadmorepresenceofmindthanculture,thoughIsaidnothing,ofcourse.Shehadonewordwhichshealwayskeptonhand,andready,likealife-preserver,akindofemergencywordtostraponwhenshewaslikelytogetwashedoverboardinasuddenway--thatwasthewordSynonymous.Whenshehappenedtofetchoutalongwordwhichhadhaditsdayweeksbeforeanditspreparedmeaningsgonetoherdump-pile,iftherewasastrangerthereofcourseitknockedhimgroggyforacoupleofminutes,thenhewouldcometo,andbythattimeshewouldbeawaydownwindon

anothertack,andnotexpectinganything;sowhenhe'dhailandaskhertocashin,I(theonlydogontheinsideofhergame)couldseehercanvasflickeramoment--butonlyjustamoment--thenitwouldbellyouttautandfull,andshewouldsay,ascalmasasummer'sday,"It'ssynonymouswithsupererogation,"orsomegodlesslongreptileofawordlikethat,andgoplacidlyaboutandskimawayonthenexttack,perfectlycomfortable,youknow,andleavethatstrangerlookingprofaneandembarrassed,andtheinitiatedslattingthefloorwiththeirtailsinunisonandtheirfacestransfiguredwithaholyjoy.

Anditwasthesamewithphrases.Shewoulddraghomeawholephrase,ifithadagrandsound,andplayitsixnightsandtwomatinees,andexplainitanewwayeverytime--whichshehadto,forallshecaredfor

wasthephrase;shewasn'tinterestedinwhatitmeant,andknewthosedogshadn'twitenoughtocatchher,anyway.Yes,shewasadaisy!Shegotsoshewasn'tafraidofanything,shehadsuchconfidenceintheignoranceofthosecreatures.Sheevenbroughtanecdotesthatshehadheardthefamilyandthedinner-guestslaughandshoutover;andasaruleshegotthenubofonechestnuthitchedontoanotherchestnut,where,ofcourse,itdidn'tfitandhadn'tanypoint;andwhenshedeliveredthenubshefelloverandrolledonthefloorandlaughedandbarkedinthemostinsaneway,whileIcouldseethatshewaswonderingtoherselfwhyitdidn'tseemasfunnyasitdidwhenshefirstheard



it.Butnoharmwasdone;theothersrolledandbarkedtoo,privatelyashamedofthemselvesfornotseeingthepoint,andneversuspectingthatthefaultwasnotwiththemandtherewasn'tanytosee.

Youcanseebythesethingsthatshewasofarathervainandfrivolouscharacter;still,shehadvirtues,andenoughtomakeup,Ithink.Shehadakindheartandgentleways,andneverharboredresentmentsforinjuriesdoneher,butputthemeasilyoutofhermindandforgotthem;andshetaughtherchildrenherkindlyway,andfromherwelearnedalsotobebraveandpromptintimeofdanger,andnottorunaway,butfacetheperilthatthreatenedfriendorstranger,andhelphimthebestwecouldwithoutstoppingtothinkwhatthecostmightbetous.Andshetaughtusnotbywordsonly,butbyexample,andthatisthebestwayandthesurestandthemostlasting.Why,thebravethingsshedid,thesplendidthings!shewasjustasoldier;andsomodestaboutit--well,youcouldn'thelpadmiringher,andyoucouldn'thelpimitatingher;notevenaKingCharlesspanielcouldremainentirelydespicableinhersociety.So,asyousee,therewasmoretoherthanhereducation.

CHAPTERII

WhenIwaswellgrown,atlast,Iwassoldandtakenaway,andIneversawheragain.Shewasbroken-hearted,andsowasI,andwecried;butshecomfortedmeaswellasshecould,andsaidweweresentintothisworldforawiseandgoodpurpose,andmustdoourdutieswithoutrepining,takeourlifeaswemightfindit,liveitforthebestgoodofothers,andnevermindabouttheresults;theywerenotouraffair.Shesaidmenwhodidlikethiswouldhaveanobleandbeautifulrewardbyandbyinanotherworld,andalthoughweanimalswouldnotgothere,todowellandrightwithoutrewardwouldgivetoourbrieflivesaworthinessanddignitywhichinitselfwouldbeareward.ShehadgatheredthesethingsfromtimetotimewhenshehadgonetotheSunday-schoolwiththechildren,andhadlaidthemupinhermemorymorecarefullythanshehaddonewiththoseotherwordsandphrases;andshe

hadstudiedthemdeeply,forhergoodandours.Onemayseebythisthatshehadawiseandthoughtfulhead,foralltherewassomuchlightnessandvanityinit.

Sowesaidourfarewells,andlookedourlastuponeachotherthroughourtears;andthelastthingshesaid--keepingitforthelasttomakemerememberitthebetter,Ithink--was,"Inmemoryofme,whenthereisatimeofdangertoanotherdonotthinkofyourself,thinkofyourmother,anddoasshewoulddo."

DoyouthinkIcouldforgetthat?No.

CHAPTERIII

Itwassuchacharminghome!--mynewone;afinegreathouse,withpictures,anddelicatedecorations,andrichfurniture,andnogloomanywhere,butallthewildernessofdaintycolorslitupwithfloodingsunshine;andthespaciousgroundsaroundit,andthegreatgarden--oh,greensward,andnobletrees,andflowers,noend!AndIwasthesameasamemberofthefamily;andtheylovedme,andpettedme,anddidnot



givemeanewname,butcalledmebymyoldonethatwasdeartomebecausemymotherhadgivenitme--AileenMavoureen.Shegotitoutofasong;andtheGraysknewthatsong,andsaiditwasabeautifulname.

Mrs.Graywasthirty,andsosweetandsolovely,youcannotimagineit;andSadiewasten,andjustlikehermother,justadarlingslenderlittlecopyofher,withauburntailsdownherback,andshortfrocks;andthebabywasayearold,andplumpanddimpled,andfondofme,andnevercouldgetenoughofhaulingonmytail,andhuggingme,andlaughingoutitsinnocenthappiness;andMr.Graywasthirty-eight,andtallandslenderandhandsome,alittlebaldinfront,alert,quickinhismovements,business-like,prompt,decided,unsentimental,andwiththatkindoftrim-chiseledfacethatjustseemstoglintandsparklewithfrostyintellectuality!Hewasarenownedscientist.Idonotknowwhatthewordmeans,butmymotherwouldknowhowtouseitandgeteffects.Shewouldknowhowtodepressarat-terrierwithitandmakealap-doglooksorryhecame.Butthatisnotthebestone;thebestonewasLaboratory.MymothercouldorganizeaTrustonthatonethatwouldskinthetax-collarsoffthewholeherd.Thelaboratorywasnotabook,orapicture,oraplacetowashyourhandsin,asthecollegepresident'sdogsaid--no,thatisthelavatory;thelaboratoryisquitedifferent,andisfilledwithjars,andbottles,andelectrics,andwires,andstrangemachines;andeveryweekotherscientistscamethereandsatintheplace,andusedthemachines,anddiscussed,andmade

whattheycalledexperimentsanddiscoveries;andoftenIcame,too,andstoodaroundandlistened,andtriedtolearn,forthesakeofmymother,andinlovingmemoryofher,althoughitwasapaintome,asrealizingwhatshewaslosingoutofherlifeandIgainingnothingatall;fortryasImight,Iwasneverabletomakeanythingoutofitatall.

OthertimesIlayonthefloorinthemistress'swork-roomandslept,shegentlyusingmeforafoot-stool,knowingitpleasedme,foritwasacaress;othertimesIspentanhourinthenursery,andgotwelltousledandmadehappy;othertimesIwatchedbythecribthere,whenthebabywasasleepandthenurseoutforafewminutesonthebaby'saffairs;othertimesIrompedandracedthroughthegroundsandthe

gardenwithSadietillweweretiredout,thenslumberedonthegrassintheshadeofatreewhileshereadherbook;othertimesIwentvisitingamongtheneighbordogs--forthereweresomemostpleasantonesnotfaraway,andoneveryhandsomeandcourteousandgracefulone,acurly-hairedIrishsetterbythenameofRobinAdair,whowasaPresbyterianlikeme,andbelongedtotheScotchminister.

Theservantsinourhousewereallkindtomeandwerefondofme,andso,asyousee,minewasapleasantlife.TherecouldnotbeahappierdogthatIwas,noragratefulerone.Iwillsaythisformyself,foritisonlythetruth:Itriedinallwaystodowellandright,andhonormymother'smemoryandherteachings,andearnthehappinessthathadcometome,asbestIcould.

Byandbycamemylittlepuppy,andthenmycupwasfull,myhappinesswasperfect.Itwasthedearestlittlewaddlingthing,andsosmoothandsoftandvelvety,andhadsuchcunninglittleawkwardpaws,andsuchaffectionateeyes,andsuchasweetandinnocentface;anditmademesoproudtoseehowthechildrenandtheirmotheradoredit,andfondledit,andexclaimedovereverylittlewonderfulthingitdid.Itdidseemtomethatlifewasjusttoolovelyto--

Thencamethewinter.OnedayIwasstandingawatchinthenursery.



Thatistosay,Iwasasleeponthebed.Thebabywasasleepinthecrib,whichwasalongsidethebed,onthesidenextthefireplace.Itwasthekindofcribthathasaloftytentoveritmadeofgauzystuffthatyoucanseethrough.Thenursewasout,andwetwosleeperswerealone.Asparkfromthewood-firewasshotout,anditlitontheslopeofthetent.Isupposeaquietintervalfollowed,thenascreamfromthebabyawokeme,andtherewasthattentflaminguptowardtheceiling!BeforeIcouldthink,Isprangtothefloorinmyfright,andinasecondwashalf-waytothedoor;butinthenexthalf-secondmymother'sfarewellwassoundinginmyears,andIwasbackonthebedagain.,Ireachedmyheadthroughtheflamesanddraggedthebabyoutbythewaist-band,andtuggeditalong,andwefelltothefloortogetherinacloudofsmoke;Isnatchedanewhold,anddraggedthescreaminglittlecreaturealongandoutatthedoorandaroundthebendofthehall,andwasstilltuggingaway,allexcitedandhappyandproud,whenthemaster'svoiceshouted:

"Begoneyoucursedbeast!"andIjumpedtosavemyself;buthewasfuriouslyquick,andchasedmeup,strikingfuriouslyatmewithhiscane,Idodgingthiswayandthat,interror,andatlastastrongblowfelluponmyleftforeleg,whichmademeshriekandfall,forthemoment,helpless;thecanewentupforanotherblow,butneverdescended,forthenurse'svoicerangwildlyout,"Thenursery'sonfire!"andthemasterrushedawayinthatdirection,andmyotherbones

weresaved.

Thepainwascruel,but,nomatter,Imustnotloseanytime;hemightcomebackatanymoment;soIlimpedonthreelegstotheotherendofthehall,wheretherewasadarklittlestairwayleadingupintoagarretwhereoldboxesandsuchthingswerekept,asIhadheardsay,andwherepeopleseldomwent.Imanagedtoclimbupthere,thenIsearchedmywaythroughthedarkamongthepilesofthings,andhidinthesecretestplaceIcouldfind.Itwasfoolishtobeafraidthere,yetstillIwas;soafraidthatIheldinandhardlyevenwhimpered,thoughitwouldhavebeensuchacomforttowhimper,becausethateasesthepain,youknow.ButIcouldlickmyleg,andthatdidsomegood.

Forhalfanhourtherewasacommotiondownstairs,andshoutings,andrushingfootsteps,andthentherewasquietagain.Quietforsomeminutes,andthatwasgratefultomyspirit,forthenmyfearsbegantogodown;andfearsareworsethanpains--oh,muchworse.Thencameasoundthatfrozeme.Theywerecallingme--callingmebyname--huntingforme!

Itwasmuffledbydistance,butthatcouldnottaketheterroroutofit,anditwasthemostdreadfulsoundtomethatIhadeverheard.Itwentallabout,everywhere,downthere:alongthehalls,throughalltherooms,inbothstories,andinthebasementandthecellar;thenoutside,andfartherandfartheraway--thenback,andallaboutthehouseagain,andIthoughtitwouldnever,neverstop.Butatlastit

did,hoursandhoursafterthevaguetwilightofthegarrethadlongagobeenblottedoutbyblackdarkness.

Theninthatblessedstillnessmyterrorsfelllittlebylittleaway,andIwasatpeaceandslept.ItwasagoodrestIhad,butIwokebeforethetwilighthadcomeagain.Iwasfeelingfairlycomfortable,andIcouldthinkoutaplannow.Imadeaverygoodone;whichwas,tocreepdown,allthewaydownthebackstairs,andhidebehindthecellardoor,andslipoutandescapewhentheicemancameatdawn,whilehewasinsidefillingtherefrigerator;thenIwouldhideallday,andstart



onmyjourneywhennightcame;myjourneyto--well,anywherewheretheywouldnotknowmeandbetraymetothemaster.Iwasfeelingalmostcheerfulnow;thensuddenlyIthought:Why,whatwouldlifebewithoutmypuppy!

Thatwasdespair.Therewasnoplanforme;Isawthat;ImustsaywhereIwas;stay,andwait,andtakewhatmightcome--itwasnotmyaffair;thatwaswhatlifeis--mymotherhadsaidit.Then--well,thenthecallingbeganagain!Allmysorrowscameback.Isaidtomyself,themasterwillneverforgive.IdidnotknowwhatIhaddonetomakehimsobitterandsounforgiving,yetIjudgeditwassomethingadogcouldnotunderstand,butwhichwascleartoamananddreadful.

Theycalledandcalled--daysandnights,itseemedtome.Solongthatthehungerandthirstneardrovememad,andIrecognizedthatIwasgettingveryweak.Whenyouarethiswayyousleepagreatdeal,andIdid.OnceIwokeinanawfulfright--itseemedtomethatthecallingwasrightthereinthegarret!Andsoitwas:itwasSadie'svoice,andshewascrying;mynamewasfallingfromherlipsallbroken,poorthing,andIcouldnotbelievemyearsforthejoyofitwhenIheardhersay:

"Comebacktous--oh,comebacktous,andforgive--itisallsosadwithoutour--"

IbrokeinwithSUCHagratefullittleyelp,andthenextmomentSadiewasplungingandstumblingthroughthedarknessandthelumberandshoutingforthefamilytohear,"She'sfound,she'sfound!"

Thedaysthatfollowed--well,theywerewonderful.ThemotherandSadieandtheservants--why,theyjustseemedtoworshipme.Theycouldn'tseemtomakemeabedthatwasfineenough;andasforfood,theycouldn'tbesatisfiedwithanythingbutgameanddelicaciesthatwereoutofseason;andeverydaythefriendsandneighborsflockedintohearaboutmyheroism--thatwasthenametheycalleditby,anditmeansagriculture.Iremembermymotherpullingitonakennelonce,and

explainingitinthatway,butdidn'tsaywhatagriculturewas,exceptthatitwassynonymouswithintramuralincandescence;andadozentimesadayMrs.GrayandSadiewouldtellthetaletonew-comers,andsayIriskedmylifetosaythebaby's,andbothofushadburnstoproveit,andthenthecompanywouldpassmearoundandpetmeandexclaimaboutme,andyoucouldseetheprideintheeyesofSadieandhermother;andwhenthepeoplewantedtoknowwhatmademelimp,theylookedashamedandchangedthesubject,andsometimeswhenpeoplehuntedthemthiswayandthatwaywithquestionsaboutit,itlookedtomeasiftheyweregoingtocry.

Andthiswasnotalltheglory;no,themaster'sfriendscame,awholetwentyofthemostdistinguishedpeople,andhadmeinthelaboratory,

anddiscussedmeasifIwasakindofdiscovery;andsomeofthemsaiditwaswonderfulinadumbbeast,thefinestexhibitionofinstincttheycouldcalltomind;butthemastersaid,withvehemence,"It'sfaraboveinstinct;it'sREASON,andmanyaman,privilegedtobesavedandgowithyouandmetoabetterworldbyrightofitspossession,haslessofitthatthispoorsillyquadrupedthat'sforeordainedtoperish";andthenhelaughed,andsaid:"Why,lookatme--I'masarcasm!blessyou,withallmygrandintelligence,theonlythinkIinferredwasthatthedoghadgonemadandwasdestroyingthechild,whereasbutforthebeast'sintelligence--it'sREASON,Itellyou!--thechildwouldhave



perished!"

Theydisputedanddisputed,andIwastheverycenterofsubjectofitall,andIwishedmymothercouldknowthatthisgrandhonorhadcometome;itwouldhavemadeherproud.

Thentheydiscussedoptics,astheycalledit,andwhetheracertaininjurytothebrainwouldproduceblindnessornot,buttheycouldnotagreeaboutit,andsaidtheymusttestitbyexperimentbyandby;andnexttheydiscussedplants,andthatinterestedme,becauseinthesummerSadieandIhadplantedseeds--Ihelpedherdigtheholes,youknow--andafterdaysanddaysalittleshruboraflowercameupthere,anditwasawonderhowthatcouldhappen;butitdid,andIwishedIcouldtalk--IwouldhavetoldthosepeopleaboutitandshownthenhowmuchIknew,andbeenallalivewiththesubject;butIdidn'tcarefortheoptics;itwasdull,andwhentheycamebacktoitagainitboredme,andIwenttosleep.

Prettysoonitwasspring,andsunnyandpleasantandlovely,andthesweetmotherandthechildrenpattedmeandthepuppygood-by,andwentawayonajourneyandavisittotheirkin,andthemasterwasn'tanycompanyforus,butweplayedtogetherandhadgoodtimes,andtheservantswerekindandfriendly,sowegotalongquitehappilyandcountedthedaysandwaitedforthefamily.

Andonedaythosemencameagain,andsaid,nowforthetest,andtheytookthepuppytothelaboratory,andIlimpedthree-leggedlyalong,too,feelingproud,foranyattentionshowntothepuppywasapleasuretome,ofcourse.Theydiscussedandexperimented,andthensuddenlythepuppyshrieked,andtheysethimonthefloor,andhewentstaggeringaround,withhisheadallbloody,andthemasterclappedhishandsandshouted:

"There,I'vewon--confessit!He'sablindasabat!"

Andtheyallsaid:

"It'sso--you'veprovedyourtheory,andsufferinghumanityowesyouagreatdebtfromhenceforth,"andtheycrowdedaroundhim,andwrunghishandcordiallyandthankfully,andpraisedhim.

ButIhardlysaworheardthesethings,forIranatoncetomylittledarling,andsnuggledclosetoitwhereitlay,andlickedtheblood,anditputitsheadagainstmine,whimperingsoftly,andIknewinmyheartitwasacomforttoitinitspainandtroubletofeelitsmother'stouch,thoughitcouldnotseeme.Thenitdroppeddown,presently,anditslittlevelvetnoseresteduponthefloor,anditwasstill,anddidnotmoveanymore.

Soonthemasterstoppeddiscussingamoment,andranginthefootman,

andsaid,"Buryitinthefarcornerofthegarden,"andthenwentonwiththediscussion,andItrottedafterthefootman,veryhappyandgrateful,forIknewthepuppywasoutofitspainnow,becauseitwasasleep.Wewentfardownthegardentothefarthestend,wherethechildrenandthenurseandthepuppyandIusedtoplayinthesummerintheshadeofagreatelm,andtherethefootmandugahole,andIsawhewasgoingtoplantthepuppy,andIwasglad,becauseitwouldgrowandcomeupafinehandsomedog,likeRobinAdair,andbeabeautifulsurpriseforthefamilywhentheycamehome;soItriedtohelphimdig,butmylamelegwasnogood,beingstiff,youknow,andyouhavetohave



two,oritisnouse.WhenthefootmanhadfinishedandcoveredlittleRobinup,hepattedmyhead,andthereweretearsinhiseyes,andhesaid:"Poorlittledoggie,yousavedHISchild!"

Ihavewatchedtwowholeweeks,andhedoesn'tcomeup!Thislastweekafrighthasbeenstealinguponme.Ithinkthereissomethingterribleaboutthis.Idonotknowwhatitis,butthefearmakesmesick,andIcannoteat,thoughtheservantsbringmethebestoffood;andtheypetmeso,andevencomeinthenight,andcry,andsay,"Poordoggie--dogiveitupandcomehome;DON'Tbreakourhearts!"andallthisterrifiesmethemore,andmakesmesuresomethinghashappened.AndIamsoweak;sinceyesterdayIcannotstandonmyfeetanymore.Andwithinthishourtheservants,lookingtowardthesunwhereitwassinkingoutofsightandthenightchillcomingon,saidthingsIcouldnotunderstand,buttheycarriedsomethingcoldtomyheart.

"Thosepoorcreatures!Theydonotsuspect.Theywillcomehomeinthemorning,andeagerlyaskforthelittledoggiethatdidthebravedeed,andwhoofuswillbestrongenoughtosaythetruthtothem:'Thehumblelittlefriendisgonewheregothebeaststhatperish.'"

WASITHEAVEN?ORHELL?

CHAPTERI

"YoutoldaLIE?"

"Youconfessit--youactuallyconfessit--youtoldalie!"

CHAPTERII

Thefamilyconsistedoffourpersons:MargaretLester,widow,agedthirtysix;HelenLester,herdaughter,agedsixteen;Mrs.Lester'smaidenaunts,HannahandHesterGray,twins,agedsixty-seven.Wakingandsleeping,thethreewomenspenttheirdaysandnightinadoringtheyounggirl;inwatchingthemovementsofhersweetspiritinthemirrorofherface;inrefreshingtheirsoulswiththevisionofherbloomandbeauty;inlisteningtothemusicofhervoice;ingratefullyrecognizinghowrichandfairforthemwastheworldwiththispresence

init;inshudderingtothinkhowdesolateitwouldbewiththislightgoneoutofit.

Bynature--andinside--theagedauntswereutterlydearandlovableandgood,butinthematterofmoralsandconducttheirtraininghadbeensouncompromisinglystrictthatithadmadethemexteriorlyaustere,nottosaystern.Theirinfluencewaseffectiveinthehouse;soeffectivethatthemotherandthedaughterconformedtoitsmoralandreligiousrequirementscheerfully,contentedly,happily,unquestionably.Todothiswasbecomesecondnaturetothem.Andsointhispeaceful



heaventherewerenoclashings,noirritations,nofault-finding,noheart-burnings.

Initaliehadnoplace.Initaliewasunthinkable.Initspeechwasrestrictedtoabsolutetruth,iron-boundtruth,implacableanduncompromisingtruth,lettheresultingconsequencesbewhattheymight.Atlast,oneday,understressofcircumstances,thedarlingofthehousesulliedherlipswithalie--andconfessedit,withtearsandself-upbraidings.Therearenotanywordsthatcanpainttheconsternationoftheaunts.Itwasasiftheskyhadcrumpledupandcollapsedandtheearthhadtumbledtoruinwithacrash.Theysatsidebyside,whiteandstern,gazingspeechlessupontheculprit,whowasonherkneesbeforethemwithherfaceburiedfirstinonelapandthentheother,moaningandsobbing,andappealingforsympathyandforgivenessandgettingnoresponse,humblykissingthehandoftheone,thenoftheother,onlytoseeitwithdrawnassufferingdefilementbythosesoiledlips.

Twice,atintervals,AuntHestersaid,infrozenamazement:

"YoutoldaLIE?"

Twice,atintervals,AuntHannahfollowedwiththemutteredandamazedejaculation:

"Youconfessit--youactuallyconfessit--youtoldalie!"

Itwasalltheycouldsay.Thesituationwasnew,unheardof,incredible;theycouldnotunderstandit,theydidnotknowhowtotakeholdofit,itapproximatelyparalyzedspeech.

Atlengthitwasdecidedthattheerringchildmustbetakentohermother,whowasill,andwhooughttoknowwhathadhappened.Helenbegged,besought,imploredthatshemightbesparedthisfurtherdisgrace,andthathermothermightbesparedthegriefandpainofit;butthiscouldnotbe:dutyrequiredthissacrifice,dutytakesprecedenceofallthings,nothingcanabsolveonefromaduty,witha

dutynocompromiseispossible.

Helenstillbegged,andsaidthesinwasherown,hermotherhadhadnohandinit--whymustshebemadetosufferforit?

Buttheauntswereobdurateintheirrighteousness,andsaidthelawthatvisitedthesinsoftheparentuponthechildwasbyallrightandreasonreversible;andthereforeitwasbutjustthattheinnocentmotherofasinningchildshouldsufferherrightfulshareofthegriefandpainandshamewhichweretheallottedwagesofthesin.

Thethreemovedtowardthesick-room.

Atthistimethedoctorwasapproachingthehouse.Hewasstillagooddistanceaway,however.Hewasagooddoctorandagoodman,andhehadagoodheart,butonehadtoknowhimayeartogetoverhatinghim,twoyearstolearntoendurehim,threetolearntolikehim,andfourandfivetolearntolovehim.Itwasaslowandtryingeducation,butitpaid.Hewasofgreatstature;hehadaleoninehead,aleonineface,aroughvoice,andaneyewhichwassometimesapirate'sandsometimesawoman's,accordingtothemood.Heknewnothingaboutetiquette,andcarednothingaboutit;inspeech,manner,carriage,andconducthewas



thereverseofconventional.Hewasfrank,tothelimit;hehadopinionsonallsubjects;theywerealwaysontapandreadyfordelivery,andhecarednotafarthingwhetherhislistenerlikedthemordidn't.Whomhelovedheloved,andmanifestedit;whomhedidn'tlovehehated,andpublisheditfromthehousetops.Inhisyoungdayshehadbeenasailor,andthesalt-airsofalltheseasblewfromhimyet.HewasasturdyandloyalChristian,andbelievedhewasthebestoneintheland,andtheonlyonewhoseChristianitywasperfectlysound,healthy,full-chargedwithcommonsense,andhadnodecayedplacesinit.Peoplewhohadanaxtogrind,orpeoplewhoforanyreasonwantedwantedtogetonthesoftsideofhim,calledhimTheChristian--aphrasewhosedelicateflatterywasmusictohisears,andwhosecapitalTwassuchanenchantingandvividobjecttohimthathecouldSEEitwhenitfelloutofaperson'smoutheveninthedark.Manywhowerefondofhimstoodontheirconscienceswithbothfeetandbrazenlycalledhimbythatlargetitlehabitually,becauseitwasapleasuretothemtodoanythingthatwouldpleasehim;andwitheagerandcordialmalicehisextensiveanddiligentlycultivatedcropofenemiesgildedit,befloweredit,expandeditto"TheONLYChristian."Ofthesetwotitles,thelatterhadthewidercurrency;theenemy,beinggreatlyinthemajority,attendedtothat.Whateverthedoctorbelieved,hebelievedwithallhisheart,andwouldfightforitwheneverhegotthechance;andiftheintervalsbetweenchancesgrewtobeirksomelywide,hewouldinventwaysofshorteningthemhimself.Hewasseverelyconscientious,accordingto

hisratherindependentlights,andwhateverhetooktobeadutyheperformed,nomatterwhetherthejudgmentoftheprofessionalmoralistsagreedwithhisownornot.Atsea,inhisyoungdays,hehadusedprofanityfreely,butassoonashewasconvertedhemadearule,whichherigidlystucktoeverafterward,nevertouseitexceptontherarestoccasions,andthenonlywhendutycommanded.Hehadbeenaharddrinkeratsea,butafterhisconversionhebecameafirmandoutspokenteetotaler,inordertobeanexampletotheyoung,andfromthattimeforthheseldomdrank;never,indeed,exceptwhenitseemedtohimtobeaduty--aconditionwhichsometimesoccurredacoupleoftimesayear,butneverasmanyasfivetimes.

Necessarily,suchamanisimpressionable,impulsive,emotional.This

onewas,andhadnogiftathidinghisfeelings;orifhehadithetooknotroubletoexerciseit.Hecarriedhissoul'sprevailingweatherinhisface,andwhenheenteredaroomtheparasolsortheumbrellaswentup--figurativelyspeaking--accordingtotheindications.Whenthesoftlightwasinhiseyeitmeantapproval,anddeliveredabenediction;whenhecamewithafrownheloweredthetemperaturetendegrees.Hewasawell-belovedmaninthehouseofhisfriends,butsometimesadreadedone.

HehadadeepaffectionfortheLesterhouseholdanditsseveralmembersreturnedthisfeelingwithinterest.TheymournedoverhiskindofChristianity,andhefranklyscoffedattheirs;butbothpartieswentonlovingeachotherjustthesame.

Hewasapproachingthehouse--outofthedistance;theauntsandtheculpritweremovingtowardthesick-chamber.

CHAPTERIII

Thethreelastnamedstoodbythebed;theauntsaustere,the



transgressorsoftlysobbing.Themotherturnedherheadonthepillow;hertiredeyesflamedupinstantlywithsympathyandpassionatemother-lovewhentheyfelluponherchild,andsheopenedtherefugeandshelterofherarms.

"Wait!"saidAuntHannah,andputoutherhandandstayedthegirlfromleapingintothem.

"Helen,"saidtheotheraunt,impressively,"tellyourmotherall.Purgeyoursoul;leavenothingunconfessed."

Standingstrickenandforlornbeforeherjudges,theyounggirlmournedhersorrowfultalethroughtheend,theninapassionofappealcriedout:

"Oh,mother,can'tyouforgiveme?won'tyouforgiveme?--Iamsodesolate!"

"Forgiveyou,mydarling?Oh,cometomyarms!--there,layyourheaduponmybreast,andbeatpeace.Ifyouhadtoldathousandlies--"

Therewasasound--awarning--theclearingofathroat.Theauntsglancedup,andwitheredintheirclothes--therestoodthedoctor,hisfaceathunder-cloud.Motherandchildknewnothingofhispresence;

theylaylockedtogether,hearttoheart,steepedinimmeasurablecontent,deadtoallthingselse.Thephysicianstoodmanymomentsglaringandgloominguponthescenebeforehim;studyingit,analyzingit,searchingoutitsgenesis;thenheputuphishandandbeckonedtotheaunts.Theycametremblingtohim,andstoodhumblybeforehimandwaited.Hebentdownandwhispered:

"Didn'tItellyouthispatientmustbeprotectedfromallexcitement?Whatthehellhaveyoubeendoing?Clearoutoftheplace!"

Theyobeyed.Halfanhourlaterheappearedintheparlor,serene,cheery,clothedinsunshine,conductingHelen,withhisarmaboutherwaist,pettingher,andsayinggentleandplayfulthingstoher;andshe

alsowashersunnyandhappyselfagain.

"Now,then;"hesaid,"good-by,dear.Gotoyourroom,andkeepawayfromyourmother,andbehaveyourself.Butwait--putoutyourtongue.There,thatwilldo--you'reassoundasanut!"Hepattedhercheekandadded,"Runalongnow;Iwanttotalktotheseaunts."

Shewentfromthepresence.Hisfacecloudedoveragainatonce;andashesatdownhesaid:

"Youtoohavebeendoingalotofdamage--andmaybesomegood.Somegood,yes--suchasitis.Thatwoman'sdiseaseistyphoid!You'vebroughtittoashow-up,Ithink,withyourinsanities,andthat'sa

service--suchasitis.Ihadn'tbeenabletodeterminewhatitwasbefore."

Withoneimpulsetheoldladiessprangtotheirfeet,quakingwithterror.

"Sitdown!Whatareyouproposingtodo?"

"Do?Wemustflytoher.We--"



"You'lldonothingofthekind;you'vedoneenoughharmforoneday.Doyouwanttosquanderallyourcapitalofcrimesandfolliesonasingledeal?Sitdown,Itellyou.Ihavearrangedforhertosleep;sheneedsit;ifyoudisturbherwithoutmyorders,I'llbrainyou--ifyou'vegotthematerialsforit."

Theysatdown,distressedandindignant,butobedient,undercompulsion.Heproceeded:

"Now,then,Iwantthiscaseexplained.THEYwantedtoexplainittome--asiftherehadn'tbeenemotionorexcitementenoughalready.Youknewmyorders;howdidyoudaretogointhereandgetupthatriot?"

HesterlookedappealingatHannah;HannahreturnedabeseechinglookatHester--neitherwantedtodancetothisunsympatheticorchestra.Thedoctorcametotheirhelp.Hesaid:

"Begin,Hester."

Fingeringatthefringesofhershawl,andwithloweredeyes,Hestersaid,timidly:

"Weshouldnothavedisobeyedforanyordinarycause,butthiswasvital.Thiswasaduty.Withadutyonehasnochoice;onemustputall

lighterconsiderationsasideandperformit.Wewereobligedtoarraignherbeforehermother.Shehadtoldalie."

Thedoctorglowereduponthewomanamoment,andseemedtobetryingtoworkupinhismindanunderstandofawhollyincomprehensibleproposition;thenhestormedout:

"Shetoldalie!DIDshe?Godblessmysoul!Itellamillionaday!Andsodoeseverydoctor.Andsodoeseverybody--includingyou--forthatmatter.AndTHATwastheimportantthingthatauthorizedyoutoventuretodisobeymyordersandimperilthatwoman'slife!Lookhere,HesterGray,thisispurelunacy;thatgirlCOULDN'Ttellaliethatwasintendedtoinjureaperson.Thethingisimpossible--absolutely

impossible.Youknowityourselves--bothofyou;youknowitperfectlywell."

Hannahcametohersister'srescue:

"Hesterdidn'tmeanthatitwasthatkindofalie,anditwasn't.Butitwasalie."

"Well,uponmyword,Ineverheardsuchnonsense!Haven'tyougotsenseenoughtodiscriminatebetweenlies!Don'tyouknowthedifferencebetweenaliethathelpsandaliethathurts?"

"ALLliesaresinful,"saidHannah,settingherlipstogetherlikea

vise;"allliesareforbidden."

TheOnlyChristianfidgetedimpatientlyinhischair.Hewenttoattackthisproposition,buthedidnotquiteknowhoworwheretobegin.Finallyhemadeaventure:

"Hester,wouldn'tyoutellalietoshieldapersonfromanundeservedinjuryorshame?"

"No."



"Notevenafriend?"

"No."

"Notevenyourdearestfriend?"

"No.Iwouldnot."

Thedoctorstruggledinsilenceawhilewiththissituation;thenheasked:

"Noteventosavehimfrombitterpainandmiseryandgrief?"

"No.Noteventosavehislife."

Anotherpause.Then:

"Norhissoul?"

Therewasahush--asilencewhichenduredameasurableinterval--thenHesteranswered,inalowvoice,butwithdecision:

"Norhissoul?"

Noonespokeforawhile;thenthedoctorsaid:

"Isitwithyouthesame,Hannah?"

"Yes,"sheanswered.

"Iaskyouboth--why?"

"Becausetotellsuchalie,oranylie,isasin,andcouldcostusthelossofourownsouls--WOULD,indeed,ifwediedwithouttimetorepent."

"Strange...strange...itispastbelief."Thenheasked,roughly:"IssuchasoulasthatWORTHsaving?"Heroseup,mumblingandgrumbling,andstartedforthedoor,stumpingvigorouslyalong.Atthethresholdheturnedandraspedoutanadmonition:"Reform!Dropthismeanandsordidandselfishdevotiontothesavingofyourshabbylittlesouls,andhuntupsomethingtodothat'sgotsomedignitytoit!RISKyoursouls!riskthemingoodcauses;thenifyoulosethem,whyshouldyoucare?Reform!"

Thegoodoldgentlewomensatparalyzed,pulverized,outraged,insulted,andbroodedinbitternessandindignationovertheseblasphemies.Theywerehurttotheheart,pooroldladies,andsaidtheycouldneverforgivetheseinjuries.

"Reform!"

Theykeptrepeatingthatwordresentfully."Reform--andlearntotelllies!"

Timeslippedalong,andinduecourseachangecameovertheirspirits.Theyhadcompletedthehumanbeing'sfirstduty--whichistothinkabouthimselfuntilhehasexhaustedthesubject,thenheisinaconditiontotakeupminorinterestsandthinkofotherpeople.Thischangesthe



complexionofhisspirits--generallywholesomely.Themindsofthetwooldladiesrevertedtotheirbelovednieceandthefearfuldiseasewhichhadsmittenher;instantlytheyforgotthehurtstheirself-lovehadreceived,andapassionatedesireroseintheirheartstogotothehelpofthesuffererandcomfortherwiththeirlove,andministertoher,andlaborforherthebesttheycouldwiththeirweakhands,andjoyfullyandaffectionatelywearouttheirpooroldbodiesinherdearserviceifonlytheymighthavetheprivilege.

"Andweshallhaveit!"saidHester,withthetearsrunningdownherface."Therearenonursescomparabletous,fortherearenoothersthatwillstandtheirwatchbythatbedtilltheydropanddie,andGodknowswewoulddothat."

"Amen,"saidHannah,smilingapprovalandendorsementthroughthemistofmoisturethatblurredherglasses."Thedoctorknowsus,andknowswewillnotdisobeyagain;andhewillcallnoothers.Hewillnotdare!"

"Dare?"saidHester,withtemper,anddashingthewaterfromhereyes;"hewilldareanything--thatChristiandevil!Butitwilldonogoodforhimtotryitthistime--but,laws!Hannah!afterall'ssaidanddone,heisgiftedandwiseandgood,andhewouldnotthinkofsuchathing....Itissurelytimeforoneofustogotothatroom.Whatiskeepinghim?Whydoesn'thecomeandsayso?"

Theycaughtthesoundofhisapproachingstep.Heentered,satdown,andbegantotalk.

"Margaretisasickwoman,"hesaid."Sheisstillsleeping,butshewillwakepresently;thenoneofyoumustgotoher.Shewillbeworsebeforesheisbetter.Prettysoonanight-and-daywatchmustbeset.Howmuchofitcanyoutwoundertake?"

"Allofit!"burstfrombothladiesatonce.

Thedoctor'seyesflashed,andhesaid,withenergy:

"YouDOringtrue,youbraveoldrelics!AndyouSHALLdoallofthenursingyoucan,forthere'snonetomatchyouinthatdivineofficeinthistown;butyoucan'tdoallofit,anditwouldbeacrimetoletyou."Itwasgrandpraise,goldenpraise,comingfromsuchasource,andittooknearlyalltheresentmentoutoftheagedtwin'shearts."YourTillyandmyoldNancyshalldotherest--goodnursesboth,whitesoulswithblackskins,watchful,loving,tender--justperfectnurses!--andcompetentliarsfromthecradle....Lookyou!keepalittlewatchonHelen;sheissick,andisgoingtobesicker."

Theladieslookedalittlesurprised,andnotcredulous;andHestersaid:

"Howisthat?Itisn'tanhoursinceyousaidshewasassoundasanut."

Thedoctoranswered,tranquilly:

"Itwasalie."

Theladiesturneduponhimindignantly,andHannahsaid:

"Howcanyoumakeanodiousconfessionlikethat,insoindifferenta



tone,whenyouknowhowwefeelaboutallformsof--"

"Hush!Youareasignorantascats,bothofyou,andyoudon'tknowwhatyouaretalkingabout.Youarelikealltherestofthemoralmoles;youliefrommorningtillnight,butbecauseyoudon'tdoitwithyourmouths,butonlywithyourlyingeyes,yourlyinginflections,yourdeceptivelymisplacedemphasis,andyourmisleadinggestures,youturnupyourcomplacentnosesandparadebeforeGodandtheworldassaintlyandunsmirchedTruth-Speakers,inwhosecold-storagesoulsaliewouldfreezetodeathifitgotthere!Whywillyouhumbugyourselveswiththatfoolishnotionthatnolieisalieexceptaspokenone?Whatisthedifferencebetweenlyingwithyoureyesandlyingwithyourmouth?Thereisnone;andifyouwouldreflectamomentyouwouldseethatitisso.Thereisn'tahumanbeingthatdoesn'ttellagrossoflieseverydayofhislife;andyou--why,betweenyou,youtellthirtythousand;yetyouflareuphereinaluridhypocriticalhorrorbecauseItellthatchildabenevolentandsinlesslietoprotectherfromherimagination,whichwouldgettoworkandwarmupherbloodtoafeverinanhour,ifIweredisloyalenoughtomydutytoletit.WhichIshouldprobablydoifIwereinterestedinsavingmysoulbysuchdisreputablemeans.

"Come,letusreasontogether.Letusexaminedetails.Whenyoutwowereinthesick-roomraisingthatriot,whatwouldyouhavedoneifyouhadknownIwascoming?"

"Well,what?"

"YouwouldhaveslippedoutandcarriedHelenwithyou--wouldn'tyou?"

Theladiesweresilent.

"Whatwouldbeyourobjectandintention?"

"Well,what?"

"Tokeepmefromfindingoutyourguilt;tobeguilemetoinferthatMargaret'sexcitementproceededfromsomecausenotknowntoyou.Ina

word,totellmealie--asilentlie.Moreover,apossiblyharmfulone."

Thetwinscolored,butdidnotspeak.

"Younotonlytellmyriadsofsilentlies,butyoutelllieswithyourmouths--youtwo."

"THATisnotso!"

"Itisso.Butonlyharmlessones.Youneverdreamofutteringaharmfulone.Doyouknowthatthatisaconcession--andaconfession?"

"Howdoyoumean?"

"Itisanunconsciousconcessionthatharmlessliesarenotcriminal;itisaconfessionthatyouconstantlyMAKEthatdiscrimination.Forinstance,youdeclinedoldMrs.Foster'sinvitationlastweektomeetthoseodiousHigbiesatsupper--inapolitenoteinwhichyouexpressedregretandsaidyouwereverysorryyoucouldnotgo.Itwasalie.Itwasasunmitigatedalieaswaseveruttered.Denyit,Hester--withanotherlie."

Hesterrepliedwithatossofherhead.



"Thatwillnotdo.Answer.Wasitalie,orwasn'tit?"

Thecolorstoleintothecheeksofbothwomen,andwithastruggleandanefforttheygotouttheirconfession:

"Itwasalie."

"Good--thereformisbeginning;thereishopeforyouyet;youwillnottellalietosaveyourdearestfriend'ssoul,butyouwillspewoutonewithoutascrupletosaveyourselfthediscomfortoftellinganunpleasanttruth."

Herose.Hester,speakingforboth,said;coldly:

"Wehavelied;weperceiveit;itwilloccurnomore.Tolieisasin.Weshallnevertellanotheroneofanykindwhatsoever,evenliesofcourtesyorbenevolence,tosaveanyoneapangorasorrowdecreedforhimbyGod."

"Ah,howsoonyouwillfall!Infact,youhavefallenalready;forwhatyouhavejustutteredisalie.Good-by.Reform!Oneofyougotothesick-roomnow."

CHAPTERIV

Twelvedayslater.

Motherandchildwerelingeringinthegripofthehideousdisease.Ofhopeforeithertherewaslittle.Theagedsisterslookedwhiteandworn,buttheywouldnotgiveuptheirposts.Theirheartswerebreaking,pooroldthings,buttheirgritwassteadfastandindestructible.Allthetwelvedaysthemotherhadpinedforthechild,andthechildforthemother,butbothknewthattheprayerofthese

longingscouldnotbegranted.Whenthemotherwastold--onthefirstday--thatherdiseasewastyphoid,shewasfrightened,andaskediftherewasdangerthatHelencouldhavecontracteditthedaybefore,whenshewasinthesick-chamberonthatconfessionvisit.Hestertoldherthedoctorhadpoo-pooedtheidea.IttroubledHestertosayit,althoughitwastrue,forshehadnotbelievedthedoctor;butwhenshesawthemother'sjoyinthenews,thepaininherconsciencelostsomethingofitsforce--aresultwhichmadeherashamedoftheconstructivedeceptionwhichshehadpracticed,thoughnotashamedenoughtomakeherdistinctlyanddefinitelywishshehadrefrainedfromit.Fromthatmomentthesickwomanunderstoodthatherdaughtermustremainaway,andshesaidshewouldreconcileherselftotheseparationthebestshecould,forshewouldrathersufferdeaththanhaveher

child'shealthimperiled.ThatafternoonHelenhadtotaketoherbed,ill.Shegrewworseduringthenight.Inthemorninghermotheraskedafterher:

"Isshewell?"

Hesterturnedcold;sheopenedherlips,butthewordsrefusedtocome.Themotherlaylanguidlylooking,musing,waiting;suddenlysheturnedwhiteandgaspedout:



"Oh,myGod!whatisit?isshesick?"

Thenthepooraunt'storturedheartroseinrebellion,andwordscame:

"No--becomforted;sheiswell."

Thesickwomanputallherhappyheartinhergratitude:

"ThankGodforthosedearwords!Kissme.HowIworshipyouforsayingthem!"

HestertoldthisincidenttoHannah,whoreceiveditwitharebukinglook,andsaid,coldly:

"Sister,itwasalie."

Hester'slipstrembledpiteously;shechokeddownasob,andsaid:

"Oh,Hannah,itwasasin,butIcouldnothelpit.Icouldnotendurethefrightandthemiserythatwereinherface."

"Nomatter.Itwasalie.Godwillholdyoutoaccountforit."

"Oh,Iknowit,Iknowit,"criedHester,wringingherhands,"buteven

ifitwerenow,Icouldnothelpit.IknowIshoulddoitagain."

"ThentakemyplacewithHeleninthemorning.Iwillmakethereportmyself."

Hesterclungtohersister,beggingandimploring.

"Don't,Hannah,oh,don't--youwillkillher."

"Iwillatleastspeakthetruth."

Inthemorningshehadacruelreporttobeartothemother,andshebracedherselfforthetrial.Whenshereturnedfromhermission,Hester

waswaiting,paleandtrembling,inthehall.Shewhispered:

"Oh,howdidshetakeit--thatpoor,desolatemother?"

Hannah'seyeswereswimmingintears.Shesaid:

"Godforgiveme,Itoldherthechildwaswell!"

Hestergatheredhertoherheart,withagrateful"Godblessyou,Hannah!"andpouredoutherthankfulnessinaninundationofworshipingpraises.

Afterthat,thetwoknewthelimitoftheirstrength,andacceptedtheir

fate.Theysurrenderedhumbly,andabandonedthemselvestothehardrequirementsofthesituation.Dailytheytoldthemorninglie,andconfessedtheirsininprayer;notaskingforgiveness,asnotbeingworthyofit,butonlywishingtomakerecordthattheyrealizedtheirwickednessandwerenotdesiringtohideitorexcuseit.

Daily,asthefairyoungidolofthehousesanklowerandlower,thesorrowfuloldauntspaintedherglowingbloomandherfreshyoungbeautytothewanmother,andwincedunderthestabsherecstasiesofjoyandgratitudegavethem.



Inthefirstdays,whilethechildhadstrengthtoholdapencil,shewrotefondlittlelove-notestohermother,inwhichsheconcealedherillness;andthesethemotherreadandrereadthroughhappyeyeswetwiththankfultears,andkissedthemoverandoveragain,andtreasuredthemaspreciousthingsunderherpillow.

Thencameadaywhenthestrengthwasgonefromthehand,andthemindwandered,andthetonguebabbledpatheticincoherences.Thiswasasoredilemmaforthepooraunts.Therewerenolove-notesforthemother.Theydidnotknowwhattodo.Hesterbeganacarefullystudiedandplausibleexplanation,butlostthetrackofitandgrewconfused;suspicionbegantoshowinthemother'sface,thenalarm.Hestersawit,recognizedtheimminenceofthedanger,anddescendedtotheemergency,pullingherselfresolutelytogetherandpluckingvictorfromtheopenjawsofdefeat.Inaplacidandconvincingvoiceshesaid:

"Ithoughtitmightdistressyoutoknowit,butHelenspentthenightattheSloanes'.Therewasalittlepartythere,and,althoughshedidnotwanttogo,andyousosick,wepersuadedher,shebeingyoungandneedingtheinnocentpastimesofyouth,andwebelievingyouwouldapprove.Besureshewillwritethemomentshecomes."

"Howgoodyouare,andhowdearandthoughtfulforusboth!Approve?

Why,Ithankyouwithallmyheart.Mypoorlittleexile!TellherIwanthertohaveeverypleasureshecan--Iwouldnotrobherofone.Onlyletherkeepherhealth,thatisallIask.Don'tletthatsuffer;Icouldnotbearit.HowthankfulIamthatsheescapedthisinfection--andwhatanarrowrisksheran,AuntHester!Thinkofthatlovelyfacealldulledandburnedwithfever.Ican'tbearthethoughtofit.Keepherhealth.Keepherbloom!Icanseehernow,thedaintycreature--withthebig,blue,earnesteyes;andsweet,oh,sosweetandgentleandwinning!Issheasbeautifulasever,dearAuntHester?"

"Oh,morebeautifulandbrightandcharmingthanevershewasbefore,ifsuchathingcanbe"--andHesterturnedawayandfumbledwiththemedicine-bottles,tohidehershameandgrief.

CHAPTERV

Afteralittle,bothauntswerelaboringuponadifficultandbafflingworkinHelen'schamber.Patientlyandearnestly,withtheirstiffoldfingers,theyweretryingtoforgetherequirednote.Theymadefailureafterfailure,buttheyimprovedlittlebylittleallthetime.Thepityofitall,thepathetichumorofit,therewasnonetosee;theythemselveswereunconsciousofit.Oftentheirtearsfelluponthenotesandspoiledthem;sometimesasinglemisformedwordmadeanoterisky

whichcouldhavebeenventuredbutforthat;butatlastHannahproducedonewhosescriptwasagoodenoughimitationofHelen'stopassanybutasuspiciouseye,andbountifullyenricheditwiththepettingphrasesandlovingnicknamesthathadbeenfamiliaronthechild'slipsfromhernurserydays.Shecarriedittothemother,whotookitwithavidity,andkissedit,andfondledit,readingitspreciouswordsoverandoveragain,anddwellingwithdeepcontentmentuponitsclosingparagraph:

"Mousiedarling,ifIcouldonlyseeyou,andkissyoureyes,andfeelyourarmsaboutme!Iamsogladmypracticingdoesnotdisturbyou.Get



wellsoon.Everybodyisgoodtome,butIamsolonesomewithoutyou,dearmamma."

"Thepoorchild,Iknowjusthowshefeels.Shecannotbequitehappywithoutme;andI--oh,Iliveinthelightofhereyes!Tellhershemustpracticeallshepleases;and,AuntHannah--tellherIcan'thearthepianothisfar,norheardearvoicewhenshesings:GodknowsIwishIcould.Nooneknowshowsweetthatvoiceistome;andtothink--somedayitwillbesilent!Whatareyoucryingfor?"

"Onlybecause--because--itwasjustamemory.WhenIcameawayshewassinging,'LochLomond.'Thepathosofit!Italwaysmovesmesowhenshesingsthat."

"Andme,too.Howheartbreakinglybeautifulitiswhensomeyouthfulsorrowisbroodinginherbreastandshesingsitforthemystichealingitbrings....AuntHannah?"

"DearMargaret?"

"Iamveryill.SometimesitcomesovermethatIshallneverhearthatdearvoiceagain."

"Oh,don't--don't,Margaret!Ican'tbearit!"

Margaretwasmovedanddistressed,andsaid,gently:

"There--there--letmeputmyarmsaroundyou.Don'tcry.There--putyourcheektomine.Becomforted.Iwishtolive.IwillliveifIcan.Ah,whatcouldshedowithoutme!...Doessheoftenspeakofme?--butIknowshedoes."

"Oh,allthetime--allthetime!"

"Mysweetchild!Shewrotethenotethemomentshecamehome?"

"Yes--thefirstmoment.Shewouldnotwaittotakeoffherthings."

"Iknewit.Itisherdear,impulsive,affectionateway.Iknewitwithoutasking,butIwantedtohearyousayit.Thepettedwifeknowssheisloved,butshemakesherhusbandtellhersoeveryday,justforthejoyofhearingit....Sheusedthepenthistime.Thatisbetter;thepencil-markscouldrubout,andIshouldgrieveforthat.Didyousuggestthatsheusethepen?"

"Y--no--she--itwasherownidea."

Themotherlookedherpleasure,andsaid:

"Iwashopingyouwouldsaythat.Therewasneversuchadearand

thoughtfulchild!...AuntHannah?"

"DearMargaret?"

"GoandtellherIthinkofherallthetime,andworshipher.Why--youarecryingagain.Don'tbesoworriedaboutme,dear;Ithinkthereisnothingtofear,yet."

Thegrievingmessengercarriedhermessage,andpiouslydeliveredittounheedingears.Thegirlbabbledonunaware;lookingupatherwith



wonderingandstartledeyesflamingwithfever,eyesinwhichwasnolightofrecognition:

"Areyou--no,youarenotmymother.Iwanther--oh,Iwanther!Shewashereaminuteago--Ididnotseehergo.Willshecome?willshecomequickly?willshecomenow?...Therearesomanyhouses...andtheyoppressmeso...andeverythingwhirlsandturnsandwhirls...oh,myhead,myhead!"--andsoshewanderedonandon,inherpain,flittingfromonetorturingfancytoanother,andtossingherarmsaboutinawearyandceaselesspersecutionofunrest.

PooroldHannahwettedtheparchedlipsandsoftlystrokedthehotbrow,murmuringendearingandpityingwords,andthankingtheFatherofallthatthemotherwashappyanddidnotknow.

CHAPTERVI

Dailythechildsanklowerandsteadilylowertowardsthegrave,anddailythesorrowingoldwatcherscarriedgildedtidingsofherradianthealthandlovelinesstothehappymother,whosepilgrimagewasalsonownearingitsend.Anddailytheyforgedlovingandcheerynotesinthe

child'shand,andstoodbywithremorsefulconsciencesandbleedinghearts,andwepttoseethegratefulmotherdevourthemandadorethemandtreasurethemawayasthingsbeyondprice,becauseoftheirsweetsource,andsacredbecauseherchild'shandhadtouchedthem.

Atlastcamethatkindlyfriendwhobringshealingandpeacetoall.Thelightswereburninglow.InthesolemnhushwhichprecedesthedawnvaguefiguresflittedsoundlessalongthedimhallandgatheredsilentandawedinHelen'schamber,andgroupedthemselvesaboutherbed,forawarninghadgoneforth,andtheyknew.Thedyinggirllaywithclosedlids,andunconscious,thedraperyuponherbreastfaintlyrisingandfallingasherwastinglifeebbedaway.Atintervalsasighoramuffledsobbrokeuponthestillness.Thesamehauntingthoughtwasinallminds

there:thepityofthisdeath,thegoingoutintothegreatdarkness,andthemothernotheretohelpandheartenandbless.

Helenstirred;herhandsbegantogropewistfullyaboutasiftheysoughtsomething--shehadbeenblindsomehours.Theendwascome;allknewit.WithagreatsobHestergatheredhertoherbreast,crying,"Oh,mychild,mydarling!"Arapturouslightbrokeinthedyinggirl'sface,foritwasmercifullyvouchsafedhertomistakethoseshelteringarmsforanother's;andshewenttoherrestmurmuring,"Oh,mamma,Iamsohappy--Ilongedforyou--nowIcandie."

TwohourslaterHestermadeherreport.Themotherasked:

"Howisitwiththechild?"

"Sheiswell."

CHAPTERVII



Asheafofwhitecrapeandblackwashunguponthedoorofthehouse,andthereitswayedandrustledinthewindandwhispereditstidings.Atnoonthepreparationofthedeadwasfinished,andinthecoffinlaythefairyoungform,beautiful,andinthesweetfaceagreatpeace.Twomournerssatbyit,grievingandworshipping--HannahandtheblackwomanTilly.Hestercame,andshewastrembling,foragreattroublewasuponherspirit.Shesaid:

"Sheasksforanote."

Hannah'sfaceblanched.Shehadnotthoughtofthis;ithadseemedthatthatpatheticservicewasended.Butsherealizednowthatthatcouldnotbe.Foralittlewhilethetwowomenstoodlookingintoeachother'sface,withvacanteyes;thenHannahsaid:

"Thereisnowayoutofit--shemusthaveit;shewillsuspect,else."

"Andshewouldfindout."

"Yes.Itwouldbreakherheart."Shelookedatthedeadface,andhereyesfilled."Iwillwriteit,"shesaid.

Hestercarriedit.Theclosinglinesaid:

"DarlingMousie,dearsweetmother,weshallsoonbetogetheragain.Isnotthatgoodnews?Anditistrue;theyallsayitistrue."

Themothermourned,saying:

"Poorchild,howwillshebearitwhensheknows?Ishallneverseeheragaininlife.Itishard,sohard.Shedoesnotsuspect?Youguardherfromthat?"

"Shethinksyouwillsoonbewell."

"Howgoodyouare,andcareful,dearAuntHester!Nonegoesnearherrwhocouldcarrytheinfection?"

"Itwouldbeacrime."

"ButyouSEEher?"

"Withadistancebetween--yes."

"Thatissogood.Othersonecouldnottrust;butyoutwoguardianangels--steelisnotsotrueasyou.Otherswouldbeunfaithful;andmanywoulddeceive,andlie."

Hester'seyesfell,andherpooroldlipstrembled.

"Letmekissyouforher,AuntHester;andwhenIamgone,andthedangerispast,placethekissuponherdearlipssomeday,andsayhermothersentit,andallhermother'sbrokenheartisinit."

Withinthehour,Hester,rainingtearsuponthedeadface,performedherpatheticmission.

CHAPTERVIII



Anotherdaydawned,andgrew,andspreaditssunshineintheearth.AuntHannahbroughtcomfortingnewstothefailingmother,andahappynote,whichsaidagain,"Wehavebutalittletimetowait,darlingmother,thenweshallbetogether."

Thedeepnoteofabellcamemoaningdownthewind.

"AuntHannah,itistolling.Somepoorsoulisatrest.AsIshallbesoon.Youwillnotletherforgetme?"

"Oh,Godknowssheneverwill!"

"Donotyouhearstrangenoises,AuntHannah?Itsoundsliketheshufflingofmanyfeet."

"Wehopedyouwouldnothearit,dear.Itisalittlecompanygathering,for--forHelen'ssake,poorlittleprisoner.Therewillbemusic--andshelovesitso.Wethoughtyouwouldnotmind."

"Mind?Ohno,no--oh,givehereverythingherdearheartcandesire.Howgoodyoutwoaretoher,andhowgoodtome!Godblessyoubothalways!"

Afteralisteningpause:

"Howlovely!Itisherorgan.Issheplayingitherself,doyouthink?"Faintandrichandinspiringthechordsfloatingtoherearsonthestillair."Yes,itishertouch,dearheart,Irecognizeit.Theyaresinging.Why--itisahymn!andthesacredestofall,themosttouching,themostconsoling....Itseemstoopenthegatesofparadisetome....IfIcoulddienow...."

Faintandfarthewordsroseoutofthestillness:

Nearer,myGod,toThee,

NearertoThee,

E'enthoughitbeacross

Thatraisethme.

Withtheclosingofthehymnanothersoulpassedtoitsrest,andtheythathadbeenoneinlifewerenotsunderedindeath.Thesisters,mourningandrejoicing,said:

"Howblesseditwasthatsheneverknew!"

CHAPTERIX

Atmidnighttheysattogether,grieving,andtheangeloftheLordappearedinthemidsttransfiguredwitharadiancenotofearth;andspeaking,said:



"Forliarsaplaceisappointed.Theretheyburninthefiresofhellfromeverlastinguntoeverlasting.Repent!"

Thebereavedfellupontheirkneesbeforehimandclaspedtheirhandsandbowedtheirgrayheads,adoring.Buttheirtonguesclovetotheroofoftheirmouths,andtheyweredumb.

"Speak!thatImaybearthemessagetothechanceryofheavenandbringagainthedecreefromwhichthereisnoappeal."

Thentheybowedtheirheadsyetlower,andonesaid:

"Oursinisgreat,andwesuffershame;butonlyperfectandfinalrepentancecanmakeuswhole;andwearepoorcreatureswhohavelearnedourhumanweakness,andweknowthatifwewereinthosehardstraitsagainourheartswouldfailagain,andweshouldsinasbefore.Thestrongcouldprevail,andsobesaved,butwearelost."

Theyliftedtheirheadsinsupplication.Theangelwasgone.Whiletheymarveledandwepthecameagain;andbendinglow,hewhisperedthedecree.

CHAPTERX

WasitHeaven?OrHell?

ACUREFORTHEBLUES

BycourtesyofMr.CableIcameintopossessionofasingularbookeightortenyearsago.Itislikelythatmineisnowtheonlycopyinexistence.Itstitle-page,unabbreviated,readsasfollows:

"TheEnemyConquered;or,LoveTriumphant.ByG.RagsdaleMcClintock,(1)authorof'AnAddress,'etc.,deliveredatSunflowerHill,SouthCarolina,andmemberoftheYaleLawSchool.NewHaven:publishedbyT.H.Pease,83ChapelStreet,1845."

Noonecantakeupthisbookandlayitdownagainunread.Whoeverreadsonelineofitiscaught,ischained;hehasbecomethecontentedslaveofitsfascinations;andhewillreadandread,devouranddevour,and

willnotletitgooutofhishandtillitisfinishedtothelastline,thoughthehousebeonfireoverhishead.Andafterafirstreadinghewillnotthrowitaside,butwillkeepitbyhim,withhisShakespeareandhisHomer,andwilltakeitupmanyandmanyatime,whentheworldisdarkandhisspiritsarelow,andbestraightwaycheeredandrefreshed.Yetthisworkhasbeenallowedtoliewhollyneglected,unmentioned,andapparentlyunregretted,fornearlyhalfacentury.

Thereadermustnotimaginethatheistofindinitwisdom,brilliancy,fertilityofinvention,ingenuityofconstruction,excellenceofform,



purityofstyle,perfectionofimagery,truthtonature,clearnessofstatement,humanlypossiblesituations,humanlypossiblepeople,fluentnarrative,connectedsequenceofevents--orphilosophy,orlogic,orsense.No;therich,deep,beguilingcharmofthebookliesinthetotalandmiraculousABSENCEfromitofallthesequalities--acharmwhichiscompletedandperfectedbytheevidentfactthattheauthor,whosenaiveinnocenceeasilyandsurelywinsourregard,andalmostourworship,doesnotknowthattheyareabsent,doesnotevensuspectthattheyareabsent.Whenreadbythelightofthesehelpstoanunderstandingofthesituation,thebookisdelicious--profoundlyandsatisfyinglydelicious.

Icallitabookbecausetheauthorcallsitabook,Icallitaworkbecausehecallsitawork;but,intruth,itismerelyaduodecimopamphletofthirty-onepages.Itwaswrittenforfameandmoney,astheauthorveryfrankly--yes,andveryhopefully,too,poorfellow--saysinhispreface.Themoneynevercame--nopennyofitevercame;andhowlong,howpatheticallylong,thefamehasbeendeferred--forty-sevenyears!Hewasyoungthen,itwouldhavebeensomuchtohimthen;butwillhecareforitnow?

AstimeismeasuredinAmerica,McClintock'sepochisantiquity.Inhislong-vanisheddaytheSouthernauthorhadapassionfor"eloquence";itwashispet,hisdarling.Hewouldbeeloquent,orperish.Andherecognizedonlyonekindofeloquence--thelurid,thetempestuous,the

volcanic.Helikedwords--bigwords,finewords,grandwords,rumbling,thundering,reverberatingwords;withsenseattachingifitcouldbegotinwithoutmarringthesound,butnototherwise.Helovedtostandupbeforeadazedworld,andpourforthflameandsmokeandlavaandpumice-stoneintotheskies,andworkhissubterraneanthunders,andshakehimselfwithearthquakes,andstenchhimselfwithsulphurfumes.Ifheconsumedhisownfieldsandvineyards,thatwasapity,yes;buthewouldhavehiseruptionatanycost.Mr.McClintock'seloquence--andheisalwayseloquent,hiscraterisalwaysspouting--isofthepatterncommontohisday,buthedepartsfromthecustomofthetimeinonerespect:hisbrethrenallowedsensetointrudewhenitdidnotmarthesound,buthedoesnotallowittointrudeatall.Forexample,considerthisfigure,whichheusedinthevillage"Address"referredtowith

suchcandidcomplacencyinthetitle-pageabovequoted--"likethetopmosttopazofanancienttower."Pleasereaditagain;contemplateit;measureit;walkaroundit;climbupit;trytogetatanapproximaterealizationofthesizeofit.Isthefellowtothattobefoundinliterature,ancientormodern,foreignordomestic,livingordead,drunkorsober?Onenoticeshowfineandgranditsounds.Weknowthatifitwasloftilyuttered,itgotanobleburstofapplausefromthevillagers;yetthereisn'tarayofsenseinit,ormeaningtoit.

McClintockfinishedhiseducationatYalein1843,andcametoHartfordonavisitthatsameyear.Ihavetalkedwithmenwhoatthattimetalkedwithhim,andfeltofhim,andknewhewasreal.Oneneedstorememberthatfactandtokeepfastholdofit;itistheonlywayto

keepMcClintock'sbookfromunderminingone'sfaithinMcClintock'sactuality.

Astothebook.ThefirstfourpagesaredevotedtoaninflamedeulogyofWoman--simplywomaningeneral,orperhapsasaninstitution--wherein,amongothercomplimentstoherdetails,hepaysauniqueonetohervoice.Hesaysit"fillsthebreastwithfondalarms,echoedbyeveryrill."Itsoundswellenough,butitisnottrue.Aftertheeulogyhetakesuphisrealworkandthenovelbegins.Itbeginsinthewoods,nearthevillageofSunflowerHill.



BrighteningcloudsseemedtorisefromthemistofthefairChattahoochee,tospreadtheirbeautyoverthethickforest,toguidetheherowhosebosombeatswithaspirationstoconquertheenemythatwouldtarnishhisname,andtowinbacktheadmirationofhislong-triedfriend.

Itseemsageneralremark,butitisnotgeneral;theheromentionedistheto-beheroofthebook;andinthisabruptfashion,andwithoutnameordescription,heisshoveledintothetale."Withaspirationstoconquertheenemythatwouldtarnishhisname"ismerelyaphraseflunginforthesakeofthesound--letitnotmisleadthereader.Nooneistryingtotarnishthisperson;noonehasthoughtofit.Therestofthesentenceisalsomerelyaphrase;themanhasnofriendasyet,andofcoursehashadnochancetotryhim,orwinbackhisadmiration,ordisturbhiminanyotherway.

Theheroclimbsupover"Sawney'sMountain,"anddowntheotherside,makingforanoldIndian"castle"--whichbecomes"theredman'shut"inthenextsentence;andwhenhegetsthereatlast,he"surveyswithwonderandastonishment"theinvisiblestructure,"whichtimehasburiedinthedust,andthoughttohimselfhishappinesswasnotyetcomplete."

Onedoesn'tknowwhyitwasn't,norhownearitcametobeingcomplete,norwhatwasstillwantingtorounditupandmakeitso.MaybeitwastheIndian;butthebookdoesnotsay.Atthispointwehaveanepisode:

Besidetheshoreofthebrooksatayoungman,abouteighteenortwenty,whoseemedtobereadingsomefavoritebook,andwhohadaremarkablynoblecountenance--eyeswhichbetrayedmorethanacommonmind.Thisofcoursemadetheyouthawelcomeguest,andgainedhimfriendsinwhateverconditionofhislifehemightbeplaced.Thetravelerobservedthathewasawell-builtfigurewhichshowedstrengthandgraceineverymovement.Heaccordinglyaddressedhiminquiteagentlemanlymanner,andinquiredofhimthewaytothevillage.Afterhehadreceivedthe

desiredinformation,andwasabouttakinghisleave,theyouthsaid,"AreyounotMajorElfonzo,thegreatmusician(2)--thechampionofanoblecause--themodernAchilles,whogainedsomanyvictoriesintheFloridaWar?""Ibearthatname,"saidtheMajor,"andthosetitles,trustingatthesametimethattheministersofgracewillcarrymetriumphantlythroughallmylaudableundertakings,andif,"continuedtheMajor,"you,sir,arethepatronizerofnobledeeds,Ishouldliketomakeyoumyconfidantandlearnyouraddress."Theyouthlookedsomewhatamazed,bowedlow,musedforamoment,andbegan:"MynameisRoswell.Ihavebeenrecentlyadmittedtothebar,andcanonlygiveafaintoutlineofmyfuturesuccessinthathonorableprofession;butItrust,sir,liketheEagle,Ishalllookdownfromtheloftyrocksuponthedwellingsofman,andshalleverbereadytogiveyouanyassistance

inmyofficialcapacity,andwhateverthismusculararmofminecando,wheneveritshallbecalledfromitsburiedGREATNESS."TheMajorgraspedhimbythehand,andexclaimed:"O!thouexaltedspiritofinspiration--thouflameofburningprosperity,maytheHeaven-directedblazebetheglareofthysoul,andbattledowneveryrampartthatseemstoimpedeyourprogress!"

ThereisastrangesortoforiginalityaboutMcClintock;heimitatesotherpeople'sstyles,butnobodycanimitatehis,notevenanidiot.



Otherpeoplecanbewindy,butMcClintockblowsagale;otherpeoplecanblubbersentiment,butMcClintockspewsit;otherpeoplecanmishandlemetaphors,butonlyMcClintockknowshowtomakeabusinessofit.McClintockisalwaysMcClintock,heisalwaysconsistent,hisstyleisalwayshisownstyle.Hedoesnotmakethemistakeofbeingrelevantononepageandirrelevantonanother;heisirrelevantonallofthem.Hedoesnotmakethemistakeofbeinglucidinoneplaceandobscureinanother;heisobscureallthetime.Hedoesnotmakethemistakeofslippinginanamehereandtherethatisoutofcharacterwithhiswork;healwaysusesnamesthatexactlyandfantasticallyfithislunatics.Inthematterofundeviatingconsistencyhestandsaloneinauthorship.Itisthisthatmakeshisstyleunique,andentitlesittoanameofitsown--McClintockian.Itisthisthatprotectsitfrombeingmistakenforanybodyelse's.Uncreditedquotationsfromotherwritersoftenleaveareaderindoubtastotheirauthorship,butMcClintockissafefromthataccident;anuncreditedquotationfromhimwouldalwaysberecognizable.Whenaboynineteenyearsold,whohadjustbeenadmittedtothebar,says,"Itrust,sir,liketheEagle,Ishalllookdownfromloftyrocksuponthedwellingsofman,"weknowwhoisspeakingthroughthatboy;weshouldrecognizethatnoteanywhere.Therebemyriadsofinstrumentsinthisworld'sliteraryorchestra,andamultitudinousconfusionofsoundsthattheymake,whereinfiddlesaredrowned,andguitarssmothered,andonesortofdrummistakenforanothersort;butwhensoeverthebrazennoteoftheMcClintockian

trombonebreaksthroughthatfogofmusic,thatnoteisrecognizable,andaboutittherecanbenoblurofdoubt.

ThenovelnowarrivesatthepointwheretheMajorgoeshometoseehisfather.WhenMcClintockwrotethisinterviewheprobablybelieveditwaspathetic.

TheroadwhichledtothetownpresentedmanyattractionsElfonzohadbidfarewelltotheyouthofdeepfeeling,andwasnowwendinghiswaytothedreamingspotofhisfondness.Thesouthwindswhistledthroughthewoods,asthewatersdashedagainstthebanks,asrapidfireinthepentfurnaceroars.Thisbroughthimtorememberwhilealone,thathe

quietlyleftbehindthehospitalityofafather'shouse,andgladlyenteredtheworld,withhigherhopesthanareoftenrealized.Butashejourneyedonward,hewasmindfuloftheadviceofhisfather,whohadoftenlookedsadlyontheground,whentearsofcruellydeceivedhopemoistenedhiseyes.Elfonzohadbeensomewhatadutifulson;yetfondoftheamusementsoflife--hadbeenindistantlands--hadenjoyedthepleasureoftheworld,andhadfrequentlyreturnedtothescenesofhisboyhood,almostdestituteofmanyofthecomfortsoflife.Inthiscondition,hewouldfrequentlysaytohisfather,"HaveIoffendedyou,thatyoulookuponmeasastranger,andfrownuponmewithstinginglooks?Willyounotfavormewiththesoundofyourvoice?IfIhavetrampleduponyourveneration,orhavespreadahumidveilofdarknessaroundyourexpectations,sendmebackintotheworld,wherenoheart

beatsforme--wherethefootofmanhadneveryettrod;butgivemeatleastonekindword--allowmetocomeintothepresencesometimesofthywinter-wornlocks.""Forbidit,Heaven,thatIshouldbeangrywiththee,"answeredthefather,"myson,andyetIsendtheebacktothechildrenoftheworld--tothecoldcharityofthecombat,andtoalandofvictory.Ireadanotherdestinyinthycountenance--Ilearnthyinclinationsfromtheflamethathasalreadykindledinmysoulastrangesensation.Itwillseekthee,mydearELFONZO,itwillfindthee--thoucanstnotescapethatlightedtorch,whichshallblotoutfromtheremembranceofmenalongtrainofprophecieswhichtheyhave



foretoldagainstthee.Ioncethoughtnotso.Once,Iwasblind;butnowthepathoflifeisplainbeforeme,andmysightisclear;yet,Elfonzo,returntothyworldlyoccupation--takeagaininthyhandthatchordofsweetsounds--strugglewiththecivilizedworldandwithyourownheart;flyswiftlytotheenchantedground--letthenight-OWLsendforthitsscreamsfromthestubbornoak--lettheseasportuponthebeach,andthestarssingtogether;butlearnofthese,Elfonzo,thydoom,andthyhiding-place.OurmostinnocentaswellasourmostlawfulDESIRESmustoftenbedeniedus,thatwemaylearntosacrificethemtoaHigherwill."

Rememberingsuchadmonitionswithgratitude,Elfonzowasimmediatelyurgedbytherecollectionofhisfather'sfamilytokeepmoving.

McClintockhasafinegiftinthematterofsurprises;butasaruletheyarenotpleasantones,theyjaruponthefeelings.Hisclosingsentenceinthelastquotationisofthatsort.Itbringsonedownoutofthetintedcloudsintoosuddenandcollapsedafashion.Itincensesoneagainsttheauthorforamoment.Itmakesthereaderwanttotakehimbythiswinter-wornlocks,andtrampleonhisveneration,anddeliverhimovertothecoldcharityofcombat,andblothimoutwithhisownlightedtorch.Butthefeelingdoesnotlast.Themastertakesagaininhishandthatconcordofsweetsoundsofhis,andoneis

reconciled,pacified.

Hisstepsbecamequickerandquicker--hehastenedthroughthePINYwoods,darkastheforestwas,andwithjoyheverysoonreachedthelittlevillageofrepose,inwhosebosomrestedtheboldestchivalry.Hiscloseattentiontoeveryimportantobject--hismodestquestionsaboutwhateverwasnewtohim--hisreverenceforwiseoldage,andhisardentdesiretolearnmanyofthefinearts,soonbroughthimintorespectablenotice.

Onemildwinterday,ashewalkedalongthestreetstowardtheAcademy,whichstooduponasmalleminence,surroundedbynativegrowth--some

venerableinitsappearance,othersyoungandprosperous--allseemedinviting,andseemedtobetheveryplaceforlearningaswellasforgeniustospenditsresearchbeneathitsspreadingshades.Heentereditsclassicwallsintheusualmodeofsouthernmanners.

Theartfulnessofthisman!Noneknowssowellashehowtopiquethecuriosityofthereader--andhowtodisappointit.Heraisesthehope,here,thatheisgoingtotellallabouthowoneentersaclassicwallintheusualmodeofSouthernmanners;butdoeshe?No;hesmilesinhissleeve,andturnsasidetoothermatters.

TheprincipaloftheInstitutionbeggedhimtobeseatedandlistentotherecitationsthatweregoingon.Heaccordinglyobeyedtherequest,andseemedtobemuchpleased.Aftertheschoolwasdismissed,andtheyoungheartsregainedtheirfreedom,withthesongsoftheevening,laughingattheanticipatedpleasuresofahappyhome,whileotherstitteredattheactionsofthepastday,headdressedtheteacherinatonethatindicatedaresolution--withanundauntedmind.Hesaidhehaddeterminedtobecomeastudent,ifhecouldmeetwithhisapprobation."Sir,"saidhe,"Ihavespentmuchtimeintheworld.IhavetraveledamongtheuncivilizedinhabitantsofAmerica.Ihavemetwithfriends,



andcombatedwithfoes;butnoneofthesegratifymyambition,ordecidewhatistobemydestiny.Iseethelearnedworldhaveaninfluencewiththevoiceofthepeoplethemselves.Thedespoilersoftheremotestkingdomsoftheearthrefertheirdifferencestothisclassofpersons.Thistheilliterateandinexperiencedlittledreamof;andnowifyouwillreceivemeasIam,withthesedeficiencies--withallmymisguidedopinions,Iwillgiveyoumyhonor,sir,thatIwillneverdisgracetheInstitution,orthosewhohaveplacedyouinthishonorablestation."Theinstructor,whohadmetwithmanydisappointments,knewhowtofeelforastrangerwhohadbeenthusturneduponthecharitiesofanunfeelingcommunity.Helookedathimearnestly,andsaid:"Beofgoodcheer--lookforward,sir,tothehighdestinationyoumayattain.Remember,themoreelevatedthemarkatwhichyouaim,themoresure,themoreglorious,themoremagnificenttheprize."Fromwondertowonder,hisencouragementledtheimpatientlistener.Astrangenaturebloomedbeforehim--giantstreamspromisedhimsuccess--gardensofhiddentreasuresopenedtohisview.Allthis,sovividlydescribed,seemedtogainanewwitcheryfromhisglowingfancy.

Itseemstomethatthissituationisnewinromance.Ifeelsureithasnotbeenattemptedbefore.Militarycelebritieshavebeendisguisedandsetatlowlyoccupationsfordramaticeffect,butIthinkMcClintockisthefirsttosendoneofthemtoschool.Thus,inthisbook,youpass

fromwondertowonder,throughgardensofhiddentreasure,wheregiantstreamsbloombeforeyou,andbehindyou,andallaround,andyoufeelashappy,andgroggy,andsatisfiedwithyourquartofmixedmetaphoraboardasyouwouldifithadbeenmixedinasample-roomanddeliveredfromajug.

NowwecomeuponsomemoreMcClintockiansurprise--asweetheartwhoissprunguponuswithoutanypreparation,alongwithanameforherwhichisevenalittlemoreofasurprisethansheherselfis.

In1842heenteredtheclass,andmaderapidprogressintheEnglishandLatindepartments.Indeed,hecontinuedadvancingwithsuchrapidity

thathewasliketobecomethefirstinhisclass,andmadesuchunexpectedprogress,andwassostudious,thathehadalmostforgottenthepicturedsaintofhisaffections.ThefreshwreathsofthepineandcypresshadwaitedanxiouslytodroponcemorethedewsofHeavenupontheheadsofthosewhohadsooftenpouredforththetenderemotionsoftheirsoulsunderitsboughs.Hewasawareofthepleasurethathehadseenthere.Sooneevening,ashewasreturningfromhisreading,heconcludedhewouldpayavisittothisenchantingspot.Littledidhethinkofwitnessingashadowofhisformerhappiness,thoughnodoubthewisheditmightbeso.Hecontinuedsaunteringbytheroadside,meditatingonthepast.Thenearerheapproachedthespot,themoreanxioushebecame.Atthatmomentatallfemalefigureflittedacrosshispath,withabunchofrosesinherhand;hercountenanceshowed

uncommonvivacity,witharesolutespirit;herivoryteethalreadyappearedasshesmiledbeautifully,promenading--whileherringletsofhairdangledunconsciouslyaroundhersnowyneck.Nothingwaswantingtocompleteherbeauty.Thetingeoftherosewasinfullbloomuponhercheek;thecharmsofsensibilityandtendernesswerealwaysherassociates.InAmbulinia'sbosomdweltanoblesoul--onethatneverfaded--onethatneverwasconquered.

Ambulinia!Itcanhardlybematchedinfiction.Thefullnameis



AmbuliniaValeer.Marriagewillpresentlyrounditoutandperfectit.ThenitwillbeMrs.AmbuliniaValeerElfonzo.Ittakesthechromo.

HerheartyieldedtonofeelingbuttheloveofElfonzo,onwhomshegazedwithintensedelight,andtowhomshefeltherselfmorecloselybound,becausehesoughtthehandofnoother.Elfonzowasrousedfromhisapparentreverie.Hisbooksnolongerwerehisinseparablecompanions--histhoughtsarrayedthemselvestoencouragehimtothefieldofvictory.HeendeavoredtospeaktohissupposedAmbulinia,buthisspeechappearednotinwords.No,hiseffortwasastreamoffire,thatkindledhissoulintoaflameofadmiration,andcarriedhissensesawaycaptive.Ambuliniahaddisappeared,tomakehimmoremindfulofhisduty.Asshewalkedspeedilyawaythroughthepinywoods,shecalmlyechoed:"O!Elfonzo,thouwiltnowlookfromthysunbeams.Thoushaltnowwalkinanewpath--perhapsthywayleadsthroughdarkness;butfearnot,thestarsforetellhappiness."

ToMcClintockthatjinglingjumbleoffinewordsmeantsomething,nodoubt,orseemedtomeansomething;butitisuselessforustotrytodivinewhatitwas.Ambuliniacomes--wedon'tknowwhencenorwhy;shemysteriouslyintimates--wedon'tknowwhat;andthenshegoesechoingaway--wedon'tknowwhither;anddowncomesthecurtain.McClintock's

artissubtle;McClintock'sartisdeep.

Notmanydaysafterward,assurroundedbyfragrantflowersshesatoneeveningattwilight,toenjoythecoolbreezethatwhisperednotesofmelodyalongthedistantgroves,thelittlebirdsperchedoneveryside,asiftowatchthemovementsoftheirnewvisitor.Thebellsweretolling,whenElfonzosilentlystolealongbythewildwoodflowers,holdinginhishandhisfavoriteinstrumentofmusic--hiseyecontinuallysearchingforAmbulinia,whohardlyseemedtoperceivehim,assheplayedcarelesslywiththesongstersthathoppedfrombranchtobranch.Nothingcouldbemorestrikingthanthedifferencebetweenthetwo.NatureseemedtohavegiventhemoretendersoultoElfonzo,and

thestrongerandmorecourageoustoAmbulinia.AdeepfeelingspokefromtheeyesofElfonzo--suchafeelingascanonlybeexpressedbythosewhoareblessedasadmirers,andbythosewhoareabletoreturnthesamewithsincerityofheart.HewasafewyearsolderthanAmbulinia:shehadturnedalittleintoherseventeenth.HehadalmostgrownupintheCherokeecountry,withthesameequalproportionsasoneofthenatives.Butlittleintimacyhadexistedbetweenthemuntiltheyearforty-one--becausetheyouthfeltthatthecharacterofsuchalovelygirlwastooexaltedtoinspireanyotherfeelingthanthatofquietreverence.Butasloverswillnotalwaysbeinsulted,atalltimesandunderallcircumstances,bythefrownsandcoldlooksofcrabbedoldage,whichshouldcontinuallyreflectdignityuponthosearound,andtreattheunfortunateaswellasthefortunatewithagracefulmien,he

continuedtousediligenceandperseverance.Allthislightedasparkinhisheartthatchangedhiswholecharacter,andliketheunyieldingDeitythatfollowsthestormtocheckitsrageintheforest,heresolvesforthefirsttimetoshakeoffhisembarrassmentandreturnwherehehadbeforeonlyworshiped.

AtlastwebegintogettheMajor'smeasure.Weareabletoputthisandthatcasualfacttogether,andbuildthemanupbeforeoureyes,andlookathim.Andafterwehavegothimbuilt,wefindhimworththe



trouble.BytheabovecomparisonbetweenhisageandAmbulinia's,weguessthewar-wornveterantobetwenty-two;andtheotherfactsstandthus:hehadgrownupintheCherokeecountrywiththesameequalproportionsasoneofthenatives--howflowingandgracefulthelanguage,andyethowtantalizingastomeaning!--hehadbeenturnedadriftbyhisfather,towhomhehadbeen"somewhatofadutifulson";hewanderedindistantlands;camebackfrequently"tothescenesofhisboyhood,almostdestituteofmanyofthecomfortsoflife,"inordertogetintothepresenceofhisfather'swinter-wornlocks,andspreadahumidveilofdarknessaroundhisexpectations;buthewasalwayspromptlysentbacktothecoldcharityofthecombatagain;helearnedtoplaythefiddle,andmadeanameforhimselfinthatline;hehaddweltamongthewildtribes;hehadphilosophizedaboutthedespoilersofthekingdomsoftheearth,andfoundout--thecunningcreature--thattheyrefertheirdifferencestothelearnedforsettlement;hehadachievedavastfameasamilitarychieftain,theAchillesoftheFloridacampaigns,andthenhadgothimaspelling-bookandstartedtoschool;hehadfalleninlovewithAmbuliniaValeerwhileshewasteething,buthadkeptittohimselfawhile,outofthereverentialawewhichhefeltforthechild;butnowatlast,liketheunyieldingDeitywhofollowsthestormtocheckitsrageintheforest,heresolvestoshakeoffhisembarrassment,andtoreturnwherebeforehehadonlyworshiped.TheMajor,indeed,hasmadeuphismindtoriseupandshakehisfacultiestogether,andtoseeifHEcan'tdothatthinghimself.

Thisisnotclear.Butnomatteraboutthat:therestandsthehero,compactandvisible;andheisnomeanstructure,consideringthathiscreatorhadneverstructure,consideringthathiscreatorhadnevercreatedanythingbefore,andhadn'tanythingbutragsandwindtobuildwiththistime.Itseemstomethatnoonecancontemplatethisoddcreature,thisquaintandcuriousblatherskite,withoutadmiringMcClintock,or,atanyrate,lovinghimandfeelinggratefultohim;forMcClintockmadehim,hegavehimtous;withoutMcClintockwecouldnothavehadhim,andwouldnowbepoor.

Butwemustcometothefeastagain.Hereisacourtshipscene,downthereintheromanticgladesamongtheraccoons,alligators,andthings,thathasmerit,peculiarliterarymerit.SeehowAchilleswoos.

Dwelluponthesecondsentence(particularlythecloseofit)andthebeginningofthethird.Nevermindthenewpersonage,Leos,whoisintrudeduponusunheraldedandunexplained.ThatisMcClintock'sway;itishishabit;itisapartofhisgenius;hecannothelpit;heneverinterruptstherushofhisnarrativetomakeintroductions.

ItcouldnotescapeAmbulinia'spenetratingeyethathesoughtaninterviewwithher,whichsheasanxiouslyavoided,andassumedamoredistantcalmnessthanbefore,seeminglytodestroyallhope.Aftermanyeffortsandstruggleswithhisownperson,withtimidstepstheMajorapproachedthedamsel,withthesamecautionashewouldhavedoneinafieldofbattle."LadyAmbulinia,"saidhe,trembling,"Ihave

longdesiredamomentlikethis.Idarenotletitescape.Ifeartheconsequences;yetIhopeyourindulgencewillatleasthearmypetition.CanyounotanticipatewhatIwouldsay,andwhatIamabouttoexpress?Willnotyou,likeMinerva,whosprungfromthebrainofJupiter,releasemefromthywindingchainsorcureme--""Saynomore,Elfonzo,"answeredAmbulinia,withaseriouslook,raisingherhandasifsheintendedtosweareternalhatredagainstthewholeworld;"anotherladyinmyplacewouldhaveperhapsansweredyourquestioninbittercoldness.Iknownotthelittleartsofmysex.Icarebutlittleforthevanityofthosewhowouldchideme,andamunwillingaswellas



ashamedtobeguiltyofanythingthatwouldleadyoutothink'allisnotgoldthatglitters';sobenorashinyourresolution.Itisbettertorepentnow,thantodoitinamoresolemnhour.Yes,Iknowwhatyouwouldsay.Iknowyouhaveacostlygiftforme--thenoblestthatmancanmake--YOURHEART!Youshouldnotofferittoonesounworthy.Heaven,youknow,hasallowedmyfather'shousetobemadeahouseofsolitude,ahomeofsilentobedience,whichmyparentssayismoretobeadmiredthanbignamesandhigh-soundingtitles.Notwithstandingallthis,letmespeaktheemotionsofanhonestheart--allowmetosayinthefullnessofmyhopesthatIanticipatebetterdays.Thebirdmaystretchitswingstowardthesun,whichitcanneverreach;andflowersofthefieldappeartoascendinthesamedirection,becausetheycannotdootherwise;butmanconfideshiscomplaintstothesaintsinwhomhebelieves;forintheirabodesoflighttheyknownomoresorrow.Fromyourconfessionandindicativelooks,Imustbethatperson;ifsodeceivenotyourself."

Elfonzoreplied,"Pardonme,mydearmadam,formyfrankness.Ihavelovedyoufrommyearliestdays--everythinggrandandbeautifulhathbornetheimageofAmbulinia;whileprecipicesoneveryhandsurroundedme,yourGUARDIANANGELstoodandbeckonedmeawayfromthedeepabyss.Ineverytrial,ineverymisfortune,Ihavemetwithyourhelpinghand;yetIneverdreamedordaredtocherishthylove,tillavoiceimpairedwithageencouragedthecause,anddeclaredtheywhoacquiredthyfavor

shouldwinavictory.IsawhowLeosworshipedthee.Ifeltmyownunworthiness.IbegantoKNOWJEALOUSLY,astrongguest--indeed,inmybosom,--yetIcouldseeifIgainedyouradmirationLeoswastobemyrival.Iwasawarethathehadtheinfluenceofyourparents,andthewealthofadeceasedrelative,whichistoooftenmistakenforpermanentandregulartranquillity;yetIhavedeterminedbyyourpermissiontobeganinterestinyourprayers--toaskyoutoanimatemydroopingspiritsbyyoursmilesandyourwinninglooks;forifyoubutspeakIshallbeconqueror,myenemiesshallstaggerlikeOlympusshakes.Andthoughearthandseamaytremble,andthecharioteerofthesunmayforgethisdashingsteed,yetIamassuredthatitisonlytoarmmewithdivineweaponswhichwillenablemetocompletemylong-triedintention."

"Returntoyourself,Elfonzo,"saidAmbulinia,pleasantly:"adreamofvisionhasdisturbedyourintellect;youareabovetheatmosphere,dwellinginthecelestialregions;nothingistherethaturgesorhinders,nothingthatbringsdiscordintoourpresentlitigation.Ientreatyoutocondescendalittle,andbeaman,andforgetitall.WhenHomerdescribesthebattleofthegodsandnoblemenfightingwithgiantsanddragons,theyrepresentunderthisimageourstruggleswiththedelusionsofourpassions.Youhaveexaltedme,anunhappygirl,totheskies;youhavecalledmeasaint,andportrayedinyourimaginationanangelinhumanform.Letherremainsuchtoyou,lethercontinuetobeasyouhavesupposed,andbeassuredthatshewillconsiderashareinyouresteemasherhighesttreasure.ThinknotthatIwouldallure

youfromthepathinwhichyourconscienceleadsyou;foryouknowIrespecttheconscienceofothers,asIwoulddieformyown.Elfonzo,ifIamworthyofthylove,letsuchconversationneveragainpassbetweenus.Go,seekanoblertheme!wewillseekitinthestreamoftime,asthesunsetintheTigris."AsshespakethesewordsshegraspedthehandofElfonzo,sayingatthesametime--"Peaceandprosperityattendyou,myhero;beupanddoing!"Closingherremarkswiththisexpression,shewalkedslowlyaway,leavingElfonzoastonishedandamazed.Heventurednottofollowordetainher.Herehestoodalone,gazingatthestars;confoundedashewas,herehestood.



Yes;therehestood.Thereseemstobenodoubtaboutthat.Nearlyhalfofthisdeliriousstoryhasnowbeendeliveredtothereader.Itseemsapitytoreducetheotherhalftoacoldsynopsis.Pity!itismorethanapity,itisacrime;fortosynopsizeMcClintockistoreduceasky-flushingconflagrationtodullembers,itistoreducebarbaricsplendortoraggedpoverty.McClintockneverwrotealinethatwasnotprecious;heneverwroteonethatcouldbespared;heneverframedonefromwhichawordcouldberemovedwithoutdamage.Everysentencethatthismasterhasproducedmaybelikenedtoaperfectsetofteeth,white,uniform,beautiful.Ifyoupullone,thecharmisgone.

Still,itisnownecessarytobegintopull,andtokeepitup;forlackofspacerequiresustosynopsize.

WeleftElfonzostandingthereamazed.Atwhat,wedonotknow.Notatthegirl'sspeech.No;weourselvesshouldhavebeenamazedatit,ofcourse,fornoneofushaseverheardanythingresemblingit;butElfonzowasusedtospeechesmadeupofnoiseandvacancy,andcouldlistentothemwithundauntedmindlikethe"topmosttopazofanancienttower";hewasusedtomakingthemhimself;he--butletitgo,itcannotbeguessedout;weshallneverknowwhatitwasthatastonishedhim.Hestoodthereawhile;thenhesaid,"Alas!amInowGrief'sdisappointed

sonatlast?"Hedidnotstoptoexaminehismind,andtotrytofindoutwhatheprobablymeantbythat,because,foronereason,"amixtureofambitionandgreatnessofsoulmoveduponhisyoungheart,"andstartedhimforthevillage.Heresumedhisbenchinschool,"andreasonablyprogressedinhiseducation."Hisheartwasheavy,buthewentintosociety,andsoughtsurceaseofsorrowinitslightdistractions.Hemadehimselfpopularwithhisviolin,"whichseemedtohaveathousandchords--moresymphoniousthantheMusesofApollo,andmoreenchantingthantheghostoftheHills."Thisisobscure,butletitgo.

DuringthisintervalLeosdidsomeunencouragedcourting,butatlast,"chokedbyhisundertaking,"hedesisted.

Presently"Elfonzoagainwendshiswaytothestatelywallsandnew-builtvillage."Hegoestothehouseofhisbeloved;sheopensthedoorherself.Tomysurprise--forAmbulinia'shearthadstillseemedfreeatthetimeoftheirlastinterview--lovebeamedfromthegirl'seyes.OneseesthatElfonzowassurprised,too;forwhenhecaughtthatlight,"ahallooofsmotheredshoutsranthrougheveryvein."Aneatfigure--averyneatfigure,indeed!Thenhekissedher."Thescenewasoverwhelming."Theywentintotheparlor.Thegirlsaiditwassafe,forherparentswereabed,andwouldneverknow.Thenwehavethisfinepicture--flunguponthecanvaswithhardlyaneffort,asyouwillnotice.

Advancingtowardhim,shegaveabrightdisplayofherrosyneck,andfromherheadtheambrosiallocksbreatheddivinefragrance;herrobehungwavingtohisview,whileshestoodlikeagoddessconfessedbeforehim.

Thereisnothingofinterestinthecouple'sinterview.NowatthispointthegirlinvitesElfonzotoavillageshow,wherejealousyisthemotiveoftheplay,forshewantstoteachhimawholesomelesson,ifhe



isajealousperson.Butthisisasham,andprettyshallow.McClintockmerelywantsapretexttodraginaplagiarismofhisuponasceneortwoin"Othello."

Theloverswenttotheplay.Elfonzowasoneofthefiddlers.HeandAmbuliniamustnotbeenseentogether,lesttroublefollowwiththegirl'smalignantfather;wearemadetounderstandthatclearly.Sothetwosittogetherintheorchestra,inthemidstofthemusicians.Thisdoesnotseemtobegoodart.Inthefirstplace,thegirlwouldbeintheway,fororchestrasarealwayspackedcloselytogether,andthereisnoroomtospareforpeople'sgirls;inthenextplace,onecannotconcealagirlinanorchestrawithouteverybodytakingnoticeofit.Therecanbenodoubt,itseemstome,thatthisisbadart.

Leosispresent.Ofcourse,oneofthefirstthingsthatcatcheshiseyeisthemaddeningspectacleofAmbulinia"leaninguponElfonzo'schair."Thispoorgirldoesnotseemtounderstandeventherudimentsofconcealment.Butsheis"inherseventeenth,"astheauthorphrasesit,andthatisherjustification.

Leosmeditates,constructsaplan--withpersonalviolenceasabasis,ofcourse.Itwastheirwaydownthere.Itisagoodplainplan,withoutanyimaginationinit.Hewillgooutandstandatthefrontdoor,andwhenthesetwocomeouthewill"arrestAmbuliniafromthehandsofthe

insolentElfonzo,"andthusmakeforhimselfa"moreprosperousfieldofimmortalitythaneverwasdecreedbyOmnipotence,oreverpencildreworartistimagined."But,dearme,whileheiswaitingtherethecoupleclimboutatthebackwindowandscurryhome!Thisisromanticenough,butthereisalackofdignityinthesituation.

AtthispointMcClintockputsinthewholeofhiscuriousplay--whichweskip.

Somecorrespondencefollowsnow.Thebitterfatherandthedistressedloverswritetheletters.Elopementsareattempted.Theyareidioticallyplanned,andtheyfail.Thenwehaveseveralpagesofromanticpowwowandconfusiondignifyingnothing.Anotherelopementisplanned;itisto

takeplaceonSunday,wheneverybodyisatchurch.Butthe"hero"cannotkeepthesecret;hetellseverybody.Anotherauthorwouldhavefoundanotherinstrumentwhenhedecidedtodefeatthiselopement;butthatisnotMcClintock'sway.Heusesthepersonthatisnearestathand.

Theevasionfailed,ofcourse.Ambulinia,inherflight,takesrefugeinaneighbor'shouse.Herfatherdragsherhome.Thevillagersgather,attractedbytheracket.

Elfonzowasmovedatthissight.ThepeoplefollowedontoseewhatwasgoingtobecomeofAmbulinia,whilehe,withdowncastlooks,keptatadistance,untilhesawthementertheabodeofthefather,thrusting

her,thatwasthesighofhissoul,outofhispresenceintoasolitaryapartment,whensheexclaimed,"Elfonzo!Elfonzo!oh,Elfonzo!whereartthou,withallthyheroes?haste,oh!haste,comethoutomyrelief.Rideonthewingsofthewind!Turnthyforcelooselikeatempest,androllonthyarmylikeawhirlwind,overthismountainoftroubleandconfusion.Ohfriends!ifanypityme,letyourlasteffortsthronguponthegreenhills,andcometothereliefofAmbulinia,whoisguiltyofnothingbutinnocentlove."Elfonzocalledoutwithaloudvoice,"MyGod,canIstandthis!arouseup,Ibeseechyou,andputanendtothistyranny.Come,mybraveboys,"saidhe,"areyoureadytogoforthto



yourduty?"Theystoodaroundhim."Who,"saidhe,"willcallustoarms?Wherearemythunderboltsofwar?Speakye,thefirstwhowillmeetthefoe!Whowillgoforwardwithmeinthisoceanofgrievoustemptation?Ifthereisonewhodesirestogo,lethimcomeandshakehandsuponthealtarofdevotion,andswearthathewillbeahero;yes,aHectorinacauselikethis,whichcallsaloudforaspeedyremedy.""Minebethedeed,"saidayounglawyer,"andminealone;VenusaloneshallquitherstationbeforeIwillforsakeonejotortittleofmypromisetoyou;whatisdeathtome?whatisallthiswarlikearmy,ifitisnottowinavictory?Ilovethesleepoftheloverandthemighty;norwouldIgiveitovertillthebloodofmyenemiesshouldwreakwiththatofmyown.ButGodforbidthatourfameshouldsoaronthebloodoftheslumberer."Mr.Valeerstandsathisdoorwiththefrownofademonuponhisbrow,withhisdangerousweapon(3)readytostrikethefirstmanwhoshouldenterhisdoor."WhowillariseandgoforwardthroughbloodandcarnagetotherescueofmyAmbulinia?"saidElfonzo."All,"exclaimedthemultitude;andonwardtheywent,withtheirimplementsofbattle.Others,ofamoretimidnature,stoodamongthedistanthillstoseetheresultofthecontest.

Itwillhardlybebelievedthatafterallthisthunderandlightningnotadropofrainfell;butsuchisthefact.Elfonzoandhisgangstoodupandblack-guardedMr.Valeerwithvigorallnight,gettingtheiroutlay

backwithinterest;thenintheearlymorningthearmyanditsgeneralretiredfromthefield,leavingthevictorywiththeirsolitaryadversaryandhiscrowbar.Thisisthefirsttimethishashappenedinromanticliterature.Theinventionisoriginal.Everythinginthisbookisoriginal;thereisnothinghackneyedaboutitanywhere.Always,inotherromances,whenyoufindtheauthorleadinguptoaclimax,youknowwhatisgoingtohappen.Butinthisbookitisdifferent;thethingwhichseemsinevitableandunavoidableneverhappens;itiscircumventedbytheartoftheauthoreverytime.

Anotherelopementwasattempted.Itfailed.

Wehavenowarrivedattheend.Butitisnotexciting.McClintock

thinksitis;butitisn't.OnedayElfonzosentAmbuliniaanothernote--anoteproposingelopementNo.16.Thistimetheplanisadmirable;admirable,sagacious,ingenious,imaginative,deep--oh,everything,andperfectlyeasy.Onewonderswhyitwasneverthoughtofbefore.Thisisthescheme.Ambuliniaistoleavethebreakfast-table,ostensiblyto"attendtotheplacingofthoseflowers,whichshouldhavebeendoneaweekago"--artificialones,ofcourse;theotherswouldn'tkeepsolong--andthen,insteadoffixingtheflowers,sheistowalkouttothegrove,andgooffwithElfonzo.Theinventionofthisplanoverstrainedtheauthorthatisplain,forhestraightwayshowsfailingpowers.Thedetailsoftheplanarenotmanyorelaborate.Theauthorshallstatethemhimself--thisgoodsoul,whoseintentionsarealwaysbetterthanhisEnglish:

"Youwalkcarelesslytowardtheacademygrove,whereyouwillfindmewithalightningsteed,elegantlyequippedtobearyouoffwhereweshallbejoinedinwedlockwiththefirstconnubialrights."

Lastsceneofall,whichtheauthor,nowmuchenfeebled,triestosmartenupandmakeacceptabletohisspectacularheartbyintroducingsomenewproperties--silverbow,goldenharp,olivebranch--thingsthat



canallcomegoodinanelopement,nodoubt,yetarenottobecomparedtoanumbrellaforrealhandinessandreliabilityinanexcursionofthatkind.

Andawaysherantothesacredgrove,surroundedwithglitteringpearls,thatindicatedhercoming.Elfonzohailsherwithhissilverbowandhisgoldenharp.Theymeet--Ambulinia'scountenancebrightens--Elfonzoleadsupthewingedsteed."Mount,"saidhe,"yetrue-hearted,yefearlesssoul--thedayisours."Shespranguponthebackoftheyoungthunderbolt,abrilliantstarsparklesuponherhead,withonehandshegraspsthereins,andwiththeothersheholdsanolivebranch."Lendthyaid,yestrongwinds,"theyexclaimed,"yemoon,yesun,andallyefairhostofheaven,witnesstheenemyconquered.""Hold,"saidElfonzo,"thydashingsteed.""Rideon,"saidAmbulinia,"thevoiceofthunderisbehindus."Andonwardtheywent,withsuchrapiditythattheyverysoonarrivedatRuralRetreat,wheretheydismounted,andwereunitedwithallthesolemnitiesthatusuallyattendedsuchdivineoperations.

ThereisbutoneHomer,thereisbutoneShakespeare,thereisbutoneMcClintock--andhisimmortalbookisbeforeyou.Homercouldnothavewrittenthisbook,Shakespearecouldnothavewrittenit,Icouldnothavedoneitmyself.Thereisnothingjustlikeitintheliteratureof

anycountryorofanyepoch.Itstandsalone;itismonumental.ItaddsG.RagsdaleMcClintock'stothesumoftherepublic'simperishablenames.

1.Thenameheregivenisasubstitutefortheoneactuallyattachedtothepamphlet.

2.Furtheronitwillbeseenthatheisacountryexpertonthefiddle,andhasathree-townshipfame.

3.Itisacrowbar.

THECURIOUSBOOK

Complete

(TheforegoingreviewofthegreatworkofG.RagsdaleMcClintockisliberallyilluminatedwithsampleextracts,butthesecannotappeasethe

appetite.Onlythecompletebook,unabridged,candothat.Thereforeitishereprinted.--M.T.)

THEENEMYCONQUERED;OR,LOVETRIUMPHANT

Sweetgirl,thysmilesarefullofcharms,



Thyvoiceissweeterstill,

Itfillsthebreastwithfondalarms,

Echoedbyeveryrill.

Ibeginthislittleworkwithaneulogyuponwoman,whohaseverbeendistinguishedforherperseverance,herconstancy,andherdevotedattentiontothoseuponwhomshehasbeenpleasedtoplaceherAFFECTIONS.Manyhavebeenthethemesuponwhichwritersandpublicspeakershavedweltwithintenseandincreasinginterest.Amongthesedelightfulthemesstandsthatofwoman,thebalmtoalloursighsanddisappointments,andthemostpre-eminentofallothertopics.Herethepoetandoratorhavestoodandgazedwithwonderandwithadmiration;theyhavedweltuponherinnocence,theornamentofallhervirtues.Firstviewingherexternalcharms,suchassetforthinherformandbenevolentcountenance,andthenpassingtothedeephiddenspringsoflovelinessanddisinteresteddevotion.Ineveryclime,andineveryage,shehasbeentheprideofherNATION.Herwatchfulnessisuntiring;shewhoguardedthesepulcherwasthefirsttoapproachit,andthelasttodepartfromitsawfulyetsublimescene.Evenhere,inthishighlyfavoredland,welooktoherforthesecurityofourinstitutions,and

forourfuturegreatnessasanation.But,strangeasitmayappear,woman'scharmsandvirtuesarebutslightlyappreciatedbythousands.Thosewhoshouldraisethestandardoffemaleworth,andpainthervaluewithhervirtues,inlivingcolors,uponthebannersthatarefannedbythezephyrsofheaven,andhandthemdowntoposterityasemblematicalofarichinheritance,donotproperlyestimatethem.

Manisnotsensible,atalltimes,ofthenatureandtheemotionswhichbearthatname;hedoesnotunderstand,hewillnotcomprehend;hisintelligencehasnotexpandedtothatdegreeofglorywhichdrinksinthevastrevolutionofhumanity,itsend,itsmightydestination,andthecauseswhichoperated,andarestilloperating,toproduceamoreelevatedstation,andtheobjectswhichenergizeandenlivenits

consummation.Thisheisastrangerto;heisnotawarethatwomanistherecipientofcelestiallove,andthatmanisdependentuponhertoperfecthischaracter;thatwithouther,philosophicallyandtrulyspeaking,thebrightestofhisintelligenceisbutthecoldnessofawintermoon,whosebeamscanproducenofruit,whosesolarlightisnotitsown,butborrowedfromthegreatdispenserofeffulgentbeauty.Wehavenodispositionintheworldtoflatterthefairsex,wewouldraisethemabovethosedastardlyprincipleswhichonlyexistinlittlesouls,contractedhearts,andadistractedbrain.Oftendoessheunfoldherselfinallherfascinatingloveliness,presentingthemostcaptivatingcharms;yetwefindmanfrequentlytreatssuchpurityofpurposewithindifference.Whydoeshedoit?Whydoeshebafflethatwhichisinevitablythesourceofhisbetterdays?Ishesomuchofastranger

tothoseexcellentqualitiesasnottoappreciatewoman,asnottohaverespecttoherdignity?Sinceherartandbeautyfirstcaptivatedman,shehasbeenhisdelightandhiscomfort;shehassharedalikeinhismisfortunesandinhisprosperity.

Wheneverthebillowsofadversityandthetumultuouswavesoftroublebeathigh,hersmilessubduetheirfury.Shouldthetearofsorrowandthemournfulsighofgriefinterruptthepeaceofhismind,hervoiceremovesthemall,andshebendsfromhercircletoencouragehimonward.Whendarknesswouldobscurehismind,andathickcloudofgloomwould



bewilderitsoperations,herintelligenteyedartsarayofstreaminglightintohisheart.Mightyandcharmingisthatdisinteresteddevotionwhichsheiseverreadytoexercisetowardman,notwaitingtillthelastmomentofhisdanger,butseekstorelievehiminhisearlyafflictions.Itgushesforthfromtheexpansivefullnessofatenderanddevotedheart,wherethenoblest,thepurest,andthemostelevatedandrefinedfeelingsarematuredanddevelopedinthosemaykindofficeswhichinvariablymakehercharacter.

Intheroomofsorrowandsickness,thisunequaledcharacteristicmayalwaysbeenseen,intheperformanceofthemostcharitableacts;nothingthatshecandotopromotethehappinessofhimwhosheclaimstobeherprotectorwillbeomitted;allisinvigoratedbytheanimatingsunbeamswhichawakenthehearttosongsofgaiety.Leavingthispoint,tonoticeanotherprominentconsideration,whichisgenerallyoneofgreatmomentandofvitalimportance.Invariablysheisfirmandsteadyinallherpursuitsandaims.Thereisrequiredacombinationofforcesandextremeoppositiontodriveherfromherposition;shetakesherstand,nottobemovedbythesoundofApollo'slyreorthecurvedbowofpleasure.

Firmandtruetowhatsheundertakes,andthatwhichsherequiresbyherownaggrandizement,andregardsasbeingwithinthestrictrulesofpropriety,shewillremainstableandunflinchingtothelast.Amore

genuineprincipleisnottobefoundinthemostdetermined,resoluteheartofman.Forthisshedeservestobeheldinthehighestcommendation,forthisshedeservesthepurestofallotherblessings,andforthisshedeservesthemostlaudablerewardofallothers.Itisanoblecharacteristicandisworthyofimitationofanyage.Andwhenwelookatitinoneparticularaspect,itisstillmagnified,andgrowsbrighterandbrighterthemorewereflectuponitseternalduration.Whatwillshenotdo,whenherwordaswellasheraffectionsandLOVEarepledgedtoherlover?Everythingthatisdeartoheronearth,allthehospitalitiesofkindandlovingparents,allthesincerityandlovelinessofsisters,andthebenevolentdevotionofbrothers,whohavesurroundedherwitheverycomfort;shewillforsakethemall,quittheharmonyandsweetsoundoftheluteandtheharp,andthrowherselfupon

theaffectionsofsomedevotedadmirer,inwhomshefondlyhopestofindmorethanshehasleftbehind,whichisnotoftenrealizedbymany.Truthandvirtueallcombined!Howdeservingouradmirationandlove!Ahcruelwoulditbeinman,aftershehasthusmanifestedsuchanunshakenconfidenceinhim,andsaidbyherdeterminationtoabandonalltheendearmentsandblandishmentsofhome,toactavillainouspart,andproveatraitorintherevolutionofhismission,andthenturnHectorovertheinnocentvictimwhomhesworetoprotect,inthepresenceofHeaven,recordedbythepenofanangel.

Strikingasthistrainmayunfolditselfinhercharacter,andaspre-eminentasitmaystandamongthefairdisplayofherotherqualities,yetthereisanother,whichstrugglesintoexistence,and

addsanadditionallustertowhatshealreadypossesses.Imeanthatdispositioninwomanwhichenablesher,insorrow,ingrief,andindistress,tobearallwithenduringpatience.Thisshehasdone,andcanandwilldo,amidthedinofwarandclashofarms.Scenesandoccurrenceswhich,toeveryappearance,arecalculatedtorendtheheartwiththeprofoundestemotionsoftrouble,donotfetterthatexaltedprincipleimbuedinherverynature.Itistrue,hertenderandfeelingheartmayoftenbemoved(assheisthusconstituted),butsheisnotconquered,shehasnotgivenuptotheharlequinofdisappointments,herenergieshavenotbecomecloudedinthelastmovementofmisfortune,but



sheiscontinuallyinvigoratedbythearchetypeofheraffections.Shemayburyherfaceinherhands,andletthetearofanguishroll,shemaypromenadethedelightfulwalksofsomegarden,decoratedwithalltheflowersofnature,orshemaystealoutalongsomegentlyripplingstream,andthere,asthesilverwatersuninterruptedlymoveforward,shedhersilenttears;theyminglewiththewaves,andtakealastfarewelloftheiragitatedhome,toseekapeacefuldwellingamongtherollingfloods;yetthereisavoicerushingfromherbreast,thatproclaimsVICTORYalongthewholelineandbattlementofheraffections.Thatvoiceisthevoiceofpatienceandresignation;thatvoiceisonethatbearseverythingcalmlyanddispassionately,amidthemostdistressingscenes;whenthefatesarearrayedagainstherpeace,andapparentlyplottingforherdestruction,stillsheisresigned.

Woman'saffectionsaredeep,consequentlyhertroublesmaybemadetosinkdeep.Althoughyoumaynotbeabletomarkthetracesofhergriefandthefurrowingsofheranguishuponherwinningcountenance,yetbeassuredtheyareneverthelesspreyinguponherinwardperson,sappingtheveryfoundationofthatheartwhichalonewasmadeforthewealandnotthewoeofman.Thedeeprecessesofthesoularefieldsfortheiroperation.Buttheyarenotdestinedsimplytotaketheregionsoftheheartfortheirdominion,theyarenotsatisfiedmerelywithinterruptingherbetterfeelings;butafterawhileyoumayseethebloomingcheekbeginningtodroopandfade,herintelligenteyeno

longersparkleswiththestarrylightofheaven,hervibratingpulselongsincechangeditsregularmotion,andherpalpitatingbosombeatsoncemoreforthemiddayofherglory.Anxietyandcareultimatelythrowherintothearmsofthehaggardandgrimmonsterdeath.But,oh,howpatient,undereverypininginfluence!Letusviewthematterinboldercolors;seeherwhenthedearestobjectofheraffectionsrecklesslyseekseverybacchanalianpleasure,contentshimselfwiththelastrubbishofcreation.Withwhatsolicitudesheawaitshisreturn!Sleepfailstoperformitsoffice--sheweepswhilethenocturnalshadesofthenighttriumphinthestillness.Bendingoversomefavoritebook,whilsttheauthorthrowsbeforehermindthemostbeautifulimagery,shestartlesateverysound.Themidnightsilenceisbrokenbythesolemnannouncementofthereturnofanothermorning.Heisstillabsent;she

listensforthatvoicewhichhassooftenbeengreetedbythemelodiesofherown;but,alas!sternsilenceisallthatshereceivesforhervigilance.

Markherunweariedwatchfulness,asthenightpassesaway.Atlast,brutalizedbytheaccursedthing,hestaggersalongwithrage,and,shiveringwithcold,hemakeshisappearance.Notamurmurisheardfromherlips.Onthecontrary,shemeetshimwithasmile--shecaresseshimwithtenderarms,withallthegentlenessandsoftnessofhersex.Here,then,isseenherdisposition,beautifullyarrayed.Woman,thouartmoretobeadmiredthanthespicygalesofArabia,andmoresoughtforthanthegoldofGolconda.WebelievethatWomanshouldassociatefreelywithman,andwebelievethatitisforthepreservationofherrights.She

shouldbecomeacquaintedwiththemetaphysicaldesignsofthosewhocondescendedtosingthesirensongofflattery.This,wethink,shouldbeaccordingtotheunwrittenlawofdecorum,whichisstampeduponeveryinnocentheart.Thepreceptsofpruderyareoftensteepedintheguiltofcontamination,whichblaststheexpectationsofbettermoments.Truth,andbeautifuldreams--loveliness,anddelicacyofcharacter,withcherishedaffectionsoftheidealwoman--gentlehopesandaspirations,areenoughtoupholdherinthestormsofdarkness,withoutthetransferredcoloringsofastainedsufferer.Howoftenhaveweseenitinourpublicprints,thatwomanoccupiesafalsestationintheworld!



andsomehavegonesofarastosayitwasanunnaturalone.Solonghasshebeenregardedaweakcreature,bytherabbleandilliterate--theyhavelookeduponherasaninsufficientactressonthegreatstageofhumanlife--amerepuppet,tofillupthedramaofhumanexistence--athoughtless,inactivebeing--thatshehastoooftencometothesameconclusionherself,andhassometimesforgottenherhighdestination,inthemeridianofherglory.WehavebutlittlesympathyorpatienceforthosewhotreatherasamereRosyMelindi--whoarealwaysfishingforprettycomplements--whoaresatisfiedbythegossamerofRomance,andwhocanbealluredbytheverbosityofhigh-flownwords,richinlanguage,butpoorandbarreninsentiment.Beset,asshehasbeen,bytheintellectualvulgar,theselfish,thedesigning,thecunning,thehidden,andtheartful--nowondershehassometimesfoldedherwingsindespair,andforgottenherHEAVENLYmissioninthedeliriumofimagination;nowondershesearchesoutsomewilddesert,tofindapeacefulhome.Butthiscannotalwayscontinue.Aneweraismovinggentlyonward,oldthingsarerapidlypassingaway;oldsuperstitions,oldprejudices,andoldnotionsarenowbiddingfarewelltotheiroldassociatesandcompanions,andgivingwaytoonewhosewingsareplumedwiththelightofheavenandtingedbythedewsofthemorning.Thereisaremnantofblessednessthatclingstoherinspiteofallevilinfluence,thereisenoughoftheDivineMasterlefttoaccomplishthenoblestworkeverachievedunderthecanopyofthevaultedskies;andthattimeisfastapproaching,whenthepictureofthetruewomanwill

shinefromitsframeofglory,tocaptivate,towinback,torestore,andtocallintobeingoncemore,THEOBJECTOFHERMISSION.

Starofthebrave!thygloryshed,O'eralltheearth,thyarmyled--Boldmeteorofimmortalbirth!WhycomefromHeaventodwellonEarth?

Mightyandgloriousarethedaysofyouth;happythemomentsoftheLOVER,mingledwithsmilesandtearsofhisdevoted,andlongtoberememberedaretheachievementswhichhegainswithapalpitatingheartandatremblinghand.Abrightandlovelydawn,theharbingerofafairandprosperousday,hadarisenoverthebeautifullittlevillage

ofCumming,whichissurroundedbythemostromanticsceneryintheCherokeecountry.BrighteningcloudsseemedtorisefromthemistofthefairChattahoochee,tospreadtheirbeautyoverthethethickforest,toguidetheherowhosebosombeatswithaspirationstoconquertheenemythatwouldtarnishhisname,andtowinbacktheadmirationofhislong-triedfriend.HeendeavoredtomakehiswaythroughSawney'sMountain,wheremanymeettocatchthegalesthatarecontinuallyblowingfortherefreshmentofthestrangerandthetraveler.Surroundedashewasbyhillsoneveryside,nakedrocksdaredtheeffortsofhisenergies.Soontheskybecameovercast,thesunburieditselfintheclouds,andthefairdaygaveplacetogloomytwilight,whichlayheavilyontheIndianPlains.HerememberedanoldIndianCastle,thatoncestoodatthefootofthemountain.Hethoughtifhecouldmakehis

waytothis,hewouldrestcontentedforashorttime.Themountainairbreathedfragrance--arosytingerestedontheglassywatersthatmurmuredatitsbase.Hisresolutionsoonbroughthimtotheremainsoftheredman'shut:hesurveyedwithwonderandastonishmentthedecayedbuilding,whichtimehadburiedinthedust,andthoughttohimself,hishappinesswasnotyetcomplete.Besidetheshoreofthebrooksatayoungman,abouteighteenortwenty,whoseemedtobereadingsomefavoritebook,andwhohadaremarkablynoblecountenance--eyeswhichbetrayedmorethanacommonmind.Thisofcoursemadetheyouthawelcomeguest,andgainedhimfriendsinwhateverconditionoflifehe



mightbeplaced.Thetravelerobservedthathewasawell-builtfigure,whichshowedstrengthandgraceineverymovement.Heaccordinglyaddressedhiminquiteagentlemanlymanner,andinquiredofhimthewaytothevillage.Afterhehadreceivedthedesiredinformation,andwasabouttakinghisleave,theyouthsaid,"AreyounotMajorElfonzo,thegreatmusician--thechampionofanoblecause--themodernAchilles,whogainedsomanyvictoriesintheFloridaWar?""Ibearthatname,"saidtheMajor,"andthosetitles,trustingatthesametimethattheministersofgracewillcarrymetriumphantlythroughallmylaudableundertakings,andif,"continuedtheMajor,"you,sir,arethepatronizerofnobledeeds,Ishouldliketomakeyoumyconfidantandlearnyouraddress."Theyouthlookedsomewhatamazed,bowedlow,musedforamoment,andbegan:"MynameisRoswell.Ihavebeenrecentlyadmittedtothebar,andcanonlygiveafaintoutlineofmyfuturesuccessinthathonorableprofession;butItrust,sir,liketheEagle,Ishalllookdownfromloftyrocksuponthedwellingsofman,andshalleverbereadytogiveyouanyassistanceinmyofficialcapacity,andwhateverthismusculararmofminecando,wheneveritshallbecalledfromitsburiedGREATNESS."TheMajorgraspedhimbythehand,andexclaimed:"O!thouexaltedspiritofinspiration--thouflameofburningprosperity,maytheHeaven-directedblazebetheglareofthysoul,andbattledowneveryrampartthatseemstoimpedeyourprogress!"

Theroadwhichledtothetownpresentedmanyattractions.Elfonzohad

bidfarewelltotheyouthofdeepfeeling,andwasnotwendinghiswaytothedreamingspotofhisfondness.Thesouthwindswhistledthroughthewoods,asthewatersdashedagainstthebanks,asrapidfireinthepentfurnaceroars.Thisbroughthimtorememberwhilealone,thathequietlyleftbehindthehospitalityofafather'shouse,andgladlyenteredtheworld,withhigherhopesthanareoftenrealized.Butashejourneyedonward,hewasmindfuloftheadviceofhisfather,whohadoftenlookedsadlyonthegroundwhentearsofcruellydeceivedhopemoistenedhiseye.Elfonzohadbeensomewhatofadutifulson;yetfondoftheamusementsoflife--hadbeenindistantlands--hadenjoyedthepleasureoftheworldandhadfrequentlyreturnedtothescenesofhisboyhood,almostdestituteofmanyofthecomfortsoflife.Inthiscondition,hewouldfrequentlysaytohisfather,"HaveIoffendedyou,

thatyoulookuponmeasastranger,andfrownuponmewithstinginglooks?Willyounotfavormewiththesoundofyourvoice?IfIhavetrampleduponyourveneration,orhavespreadahumidveilofdarknessaroundyourexpectations,sendmebackintotheworldwherenoheartbeatsforme--wherethefootofmanhasneveryettrod;butgivemeatleastonekindword--allowmetocomeintothepresencesometimesofthywinter-wornlocks.""Forbidit,Heaven,thatIshouldbeangrywiththee,"answeredthefather,"myson,andyetIsendtheebacktothechildrenoftheworld--tothecoldcharityofthecombat,andtoalandofvictory.Ireadanotherdestinyinthycountenance--Ilearnthyinclinationsfromtheflamethathasalreadykindledinmysoulastrangersensation.Itwillseekthee,mydearELFONZO,itwillfindthee--thoucanstnotescapethatlightedtorch,whichshallblotout

fromtheremembranceofmenalongtrainofprophecieswhichtheyhaveforetoldagainstthee.Ioncethoughtnotso.Once,Iwasblind;butnowthepathoflifeisplainbeforeme,andmysightisclear;yetElfonzo,returntothyworldlyoccupation--takeagaininthyhandthatchordofsweetsounds--strugglewiththecivilizedworld,andwithyourownheart;flyswiftlytotheenchantedground--letthenight-OWLsendforthitsscreamsfromthestubbornoak--lettheseasportuponthebeach,andthestarssingtogether;butlearnofthese,Elfonzo,thydoom,andthyhiding-place.OurmostinnocentaswellasourmostlawfulDESIRESmustoftenbedeniedus,thatwemaylearntosacrificethemtoaHigher



will."

Rememberingsuchadmonitionswithgratitude,Elfonzowasimmediatelyurgedbytherecollectionofhisfather'sfamilytokeepmoving.Hisstepsbecamequickerandquicker--hehastenedthroughthePINYwoods,darkastheforestwas,andwithjoyheverysoonreachedthelittlevillageorrepose,inwhosebosomrestedtheboldestchivalry.Hiscloseattentiontoeveryimportantobject--hismodestquestionsaboutwhateverwasnewtohim--hisreverenceforwiseoldage,andhisardentdesiretolearnmanyofthefinearts,soonbroughthimintorespectablenotice.

OnemildwinterdayashewalkedalongthestreetstowardtheAcademy,whichstooduponasmalleminence,surroundedbynativegrowth--somevenerableinitsappearance,othersyoungandprosperous--allseemedinviting,andseemedtobetheveryplaceforlearningaswellasforgeniustospenditsresearchbeneathitsspreadingshades.Heentereditsclassicwallsintheusualmodeofsouthernmanners.TheprincipaloftheInstitutionbeggedhimtobeseatedandlistentotherecitationsthatweregoingon.Heaccordinglyobeyedtherequest,andseemedtobemuchpleased.Aftertheschoolwasdismissed,andtheyoungheartsregainedtheirfreedom,withthesongsoftheevening,laughingattheanticipatedpleasuresofahappyhome,whileotherstitteredattheactionsofthepastday,headdressedtheteacherinatonethatindicatedaresolution--withanundauntedmind.Hesaidhehad

determinedtobecomeastudent,ifhecouldmeetwithhisapprobation."Sir,"saidhe,"Ihavespentmuchtimeintheworld.IhavetraveledamongtheuncivilizedinhabitantsofAmerica.Ihavemetwithfriends,andcombatedwithfoes;butnoneofthesegratifymyambition,ordecidewhatistobemydestiny.Iseethelearnedwouldhaveaninfluencewiththevoiceofthepeoplethemselves.Thedespoilersoftheremotestkingdomsoftheearthrefertheirdifferencestothisclassofpersons.Thistheilliterateandinexperiencedlittledreamof;andnowifyouwillreceivemeasIam,withthesedeficiencies--withallmymisguidedopinions,Iwillgiveyoumyhonor,sir,thatIwillneverdisgracetheInstitution,orthosewhohaveplacedyouinthishonorablestation."Theinstructor,whohadmetwithmanydisappointments,knewhowtofeelforastrangerwhohadbeenthusturneduponthecharitiesofan

unfeelingcommunity.Helookedathimearnestly,andsaid:"Beofgoodcheer--lookforward,sir,tothehighdestinationyoumayattain.Remember,themoreelevatedthemarkatwhichyouaim,themoresure,themoreglorious,themoremagnificenttheprize."Fromwondertowonder,hisencouragementledtheimpatientlistener.Astrangernaturebloomedbeforehim--giantstreamspromisedhimsuccess--gardensofhiddentreasuresopenedtohisview.Allthis,sovividlydescribed,seemedtogainanewwitcheryfromhisglowingfancy.

In1842heenteredtheclass,andmaderapidprogressintheEnglishandLatindepartments.Indeed,hecontinuedadvancingwithsuchrapiditythathewasliketobecomethefirstinhisclass,andmadesuchunexpectedprogress,andwassostudious,thathehadalmostforgotten

thepicturedsaintofhisaffections.ThefreshwreathsofthepineandcypresshadwaitedanxiouslytodroponcemorethedewsofHeavensupontheheadsofthosewhohadsooftenpouredforththetenderemotionsoftheirsoulsunderitsboughs.Hewasawareofthepleasurethathehadseenthere.Sooneevening,ashewasreturningfromhisreading,heconcludedhewouldpayavisittothisenchantingspot.Littledidhethinkofwitnessingashadowofhisformerhappiness,thoughnodoubthewisheditmightbeso.Hecontinuedsaunteringbytheroadside,meditatingonthepast.Thenearerheapproachedthespot,themoreanxioushebecame.Atthemomentatallfemalefigureflittedacrosshis



path,withabunchofrosesinherhand;hercountenanceshoweduncommonvivacity,witharesolutespirit;herivoryteethalreadyappearedasshesmiledbeautifully,promenading--whileherringletsofhairdangledunconsciouslyaroundhersnowyneck.Nothingwaswantingtocompleteherbeauty.Thetingeoftherosewasinfullbloomuponhercheek;thecharmsofsensibilityandtendernesswerealwaysherassociates..InAmbulinia'sbosomdweltanoblesoul--onethatneverfaded--onethatneverwasconquered.HerheartyieldedtonofeelingbuttheloveofElfonzo,onwhomshegazedwithintensedelight,andtowhomshefeltherselfmorecloselybound,becausehesoughtthehandofnoother.Elfonzowasrousedfromhisapparentreverie.Hisbooksnolongerwerehisinseparablecompanions--histhoughtsarrayedthemselvestoencouragehiminthefieldofvictory.HeendeavoredtospeaktohissupposedAmbulinia,buthisspeechappearednotinwords.No,hiseffortwasastreamoffire,thatkindledhissoulintoaflameofadmiration,andcarriedhissensesawaycaptive.Ambuliniahaddisappeared,tomakehimmoremindfulofhisduty.Asshewalkedspeedilyawaythroughthepinywoodsshecalmlyechoed:"O!Elfonzo,thouwiltnowlookfromthysunbeams.Thoushaltnowwalkinanewpath--perhapsthywayleadsthroughdarkness;butfearnot,thestarsforetellhappiness."

Notmanydaysafterward,assurroundedbyfragrantflowersshesatoneeveningattwilight,toenjoythecoolbreezethatwhisperednotesofmelodyalongthedistantgroves,thelittlebirdsperchedonevery

side,asiftowatchthemovementsoftheirnewvisitor.ThebellsweretollingwhenElfonzosilentlystolealongbythewildwoodflowers,holdinginhishandhisfavoriteinstrumentofmusic--hiseyecontinuallysearchingforAmbulinia,whohardlyseemedtoperceivehim,assheplayedcarelesslywiththesongstersthathoppedfrombranchtobranch.Nothingcouldbemorestrikingthanthedifferencebetweenthetwo.NatureseemedtohavegiventhemoretendersoultoElfonzo,andthestrongerandmorecourageoustoAmbulinia.AdeepfeelingspokefromtheeyesofElfonzo--suchafeelingascanonlybeexpressedbythosewhoareblessedasadmirers,andbythosewhoareabletoreturnthesamewithsincerityofheart.HewasafewyearsolderthanAmbulinia:shehadturnedalittleintoherseventeenth.HehadalmostgrownupintheCherokeecountry,withthesameequalproportionsasoneofthe

natives.Butlittleintimacyhadexistedbetweenthemuntiltheyearforty-one--becausetheyouthfeltthatthecharacterofsuchalovelygirlwastooexaltedtoinspireanyotherfeelingthanthatofquietreverence.Butasloverswillnotalwaysbeinsulted,atalltimesandunderallcircumstances,bythefrownsandcoldlooksofcrabbedoldage,whichshouldcontinuallyreflectdignityuponthosearound,andtreatunfortunateaswellasthefortunatewithagracefulmien,hecontinuedtousediligenceandperseverance.Allthislightedasparkinhisheartthatchangedhiswholecharacter,andliketheunyieldingDeitythatfollowsthestormtocheckitsrageintheforest,heresolvesforthefirsttimetoshakeoffhisembarrassmentandreturnwherehehadbeforeonlyworshiped.

ItcouldnotescapeAmbulinia'spenetratingeyethathesoughtaninterviewwithher,whichsheasanxiouslyavoided,andassumedamoredistantcalmnessthanbefore,seeminglytodestroyallhope.Aftermanyeffortsandstruggleswithhisownperson,withtimidstepstheMajorapproachedthedamsel,withthesamecautionashewouldhavedoneinafieldofbattle."LadyAmbulinia,"saidhe,trembling,"Ihavelongdesiredamomentlikethis.Idarenotletitescape.Ifeartheconsequences;yetIhopeyourindulgencewillatleasthearmypetition.CanyounotanticipatewhatIwouldsay,andwhatIamabouttoexpress?Willnotyou,likeMinerva,whosprungfromthebrainofJupiter,



releasemefromthywindingchainsorcureme--""Saynomore,Elfonzo,"answeredAmbulinia,withaseriouslook,raisingherhandasifsheintendedtosweareternalhatredagainstthewholeworld;"anotherladyinmyplacewouldhaveperhapsansweredyourquestioninbittercoldness.Iknownotthelittleartsofmysex.Icarebutlittleforthevanityofthosewhowouldchideme,andamunwillingaswellasshamedtobeguiltyofanythingthatwouldleadyoutothink'allisnotgoldthatglitters';sobenotrashinyourresolution.Itisbettertorepentnowthantodoitinamoresolemnhour.Yes,Iknowwhatyouwouldsay.Iknowyouhaveacostlygiftforme--thenoblestthatmancanmake--YOURHEART!youshouldnotofferittoonesounworthy.Heaven,youknow,hasallowedmyfather'shousetobemadeahouseofsolitude,ahomeofsilentobedience,whichmyparentssayismoretobeadmiredthanbignamesandhigh-soundingtitles.Notwithstandingallthis,letmespeaktheemotionsofanhonestheart;allowmetosayinthefullnessofmyhopesthatIanticipatebetterdays.Thebirdmaystretchitswingstowardthesun,whichitcanneverreach;andflowersofthefieldappeartoascendinthesamedirection,becausetheycannotdootherwise;butmanconfideshiscomplaintstothesaintsinwhomhebelieves;forintheirabodesoflighttheyknownomoresorrow.Fromyourconfessionandindicativelooks,Imustbethatperson;ifso,deceivenotyourself."

Elfonzoreplied,"Pardonme,mydearmadam,formyfrankness.Ihave

lovedyoufrommyearliestdays;everythinggrandandbeautifulhathbornetheimageofAmbulinia;whileprecipicesoneveryhandsurroundedme,yourGUARDIANANGELstoodandbeckonedmeawayfromthedeepabyss.Ineverytrial,ineverymisfortune,Ihavemetwithyourhelpinghand;yetIneverdreamedordaredtocherishthylovetillavoiceimpairedwithageencouragedthecause,anddeclaredtheywhoacquiredthyfavorshouldwinavictory.IsawhowLeosworshippedthee.Ifeltmyownunworthiness.IbegantoKNOWJEALOUSY--astrongguest,indeed,inmybosom--yetIcouldseeifIgainedyouradmirationLeoswastobemyrival.Iwasawarethathehadtheinfluenceofyourparents,andthewealthofadeceasedrelative,whichistoooftenmistakenforpermanentandregulartranquillity;yetIhavedeterminedbyyourpermissiontobeganinterestinyourprayers--toaskyoutoanimatemydropping

spiritsbyyoursmilesandyourwinninglooks;forifyoubutspeakIshallbeconqueror,myenemiesshallstaggerlikeOlympusshakes.Andthoughearthandseamaytremble,andthecharioteerofthesunmayforgethisdashingsteed,yetIamassuredthatitisonlytoarmmewithdivineweaponswhichwillenablemetocompletemylong-triedintention."

"Returntoyourself,Elfonzo,"saidAmbulinia,pleasantly;"adreamofvisionhasdisturbedyourintellect;youareabovetheatmosphere,dwellinginthecelestialregions;nothingistherethaturgesorhinders,nothingthatbringsdiscordintoourpresentlitigation.Ientreatyoutocondescendalittle,andbeaman,andforgetitall.WhenHomerdescribesthebattleofthegodsandnoblemenfightingwith

giantsanddragons,theyrepresentunderthisimageourstruggleswiththedelusionsofourpassions.Youhaveexaltedme,anunhappygirl,totheskies;youhavecalledmeasaint,andportrayedinyourimaginationanangelinhumanform.Letherremainsuchtoyou,lethercontinuetobeasyouhavesupposed,andbeassuredthatshewillconsiderashareinyouresteemasherhighesttreasure.ThinknotthatIwouldallureyoufromthepathinwhichyourconscienceleadsyou;foryouknowIrespecttheconscienceofothers,asIwoulddieformyown.Elfonzo,ifIamworthyofthylove,letsuchconversationneveragainpassbetweenus.Go,seekanoblertheme!wewillseekitinthestreamoftimeas



thesunsetintheTigris."AsshespakethesewordsshegraspedthehandofElfonzo,sayingatthesametime,"Peaceandprosperityattendyou,myhero:beupanddoing!"Closingherremarkswiththisexpression,shewalkedslowlyaway,leavingElfonzoastonishedandamazed.Heventurednottofollowordetainher.Herehestoodalone,gazingatthestars;confoundedashewas,herehestood.Theripplingstreamrolledonathisfeet.Twilighthadalreadybeguntodrawhersablemantleovertheearth,andnowandthenthefierysmokewouldascendfromthelittletownwhichlayspreadoutbeforehim.Thecitizensseemedtobefulloflifeandgood-humor;butpoorElfonzosawnotabrilliantscene.No;hisfuturelifestoodbeforehim,strippedofthehopesthatonceadornedallhissanguinedesires."Alas!"saidhe,"amInowGrief'sdisappointedsonatlast."Ambulinia'simagerosebeforehisfancy.Amixtureofambitionandgreatnessofsoulmoveduponhisyoungheart,andencouragedhimtobearallhiscrosseswiththepatienceofaJob,notwithstandinghehadtoencounterwithsomanyobstacles.Hestillendeavoredtoprosecutehisstudies,andreasonableprogressedinhiseducation.Still,hewasnotcontent;therewassomethingyettobedonebeforehishappinesswascomplete.Hewouldvisithisfriendsandacquaintances.Theywouldinvitehimtosocialparties,insistingthatheshouldpartakeoftheamusementsthatweregoingon.Thisheenjoyedtolerablywell.TheladiesandgentlemenweregenerallywellpleasedwiththeMajor;ashedelightedallwithhisviolin,whichseemedtohaveathousandchords--moresymphoniousthan

theMusesofApolloandmoreenchantingthantheghostoftheHills.Hepassedsomedaysinthecountry.DuringthattimeLeoshadmademanycallsuponAmbulinia,whowasgenerallyreceivedwithagreatdealofcourtesybythefamily.Theythoughthimtobeayoungmanworthyofattention,thoughhehadbutlittleinhissoultoattracttheattentionorevenwintheaffectionsofherwhosegracefulmannershadalmostmadehimaslavetoeverybewitchinglookthatfellfromhereyes.Leosmadeseveralattemptstotellherofhisfairprospects--howmuchhelovedher,andhowmuchitwouldaddtohisblissifhecouldbutthinkshewouldbewillingtosharetheseblessingswithhim;but,chokedbyhisundertaking,hemadehimselfmorelikeaninactivedronethanhedidlikeonewhobowedatbeauty'sshrine.

Elfonzoagainwendshiswaytothestatelywallsandnew-builtvillage.Henowdeterminestoseetheendoftheprophesywhichhadbeenforetoldtohim.Thecloudsburstfromhissight;hebelievesifhecanbutseehisAmbulinia,hecanopentoherviewthebloodyaltarsthathavebeenmisrepresentedtostigmatizehisname.Heknowsthatherbreastistransfixedwiththeswordofreason,andreadyatalltimestodetectthehiddenvillainyofherenemies.Heresolvestoseeherinherownhome,withtheconsolingtheme:"'IcanbutperishifIgo.'Lettheconsequencesbewhattheymay,"saidhe,"ifIdie,itshallbecontendingandstrugglingformyownrights."

Nighthadalmostovertakenhimwhenhearrivedintown.ColonelElder,anoble-hearted,high-minded,andindependentman,methimathisdooras

usual,andseizedhimbythehand."Well,Elfonzo,"saidtheColonel,"howdoestheworlduseyouinyourefforts?""Ihavenoobjectiontotheworld,"saidElfonzo,"butthepeoplearerathersingularinsomeoftheiropinions.""Aye,well,"saidtheColonel,"youmustrememberthatcreationismadeupofmanymysteries;justtakethingsbytherighthandle;bealwayssureyouknowwhichisthesmoothsidebeforeyouattemptyourpolish;bereconciledtoyourfate,beitwhatitmay;andneverfindfaultwithyourcondition,unlessyourcomplainingwillbenefitit.Perseveranceisaprinciplethatshouldbecommendableinthosewhohavejudgmenttogovernit.Ishouldneverhadbeenso



successfulinmyhuntingexcursionshadIwaitedtillthedeer,bysomemagicdream,hadbeendrawntothemuzzleofthegunbeforeImadeanattempttofireatthegamethatdaredmyboldnessinthewildforest.Thegreatmysteryinhuntingseemstobe--agoodmarksman,aresolutemind,afixeddetermination,andmyworldforit,youwillneverreturnhomewithoutsoundingyourhornwiththebreathofanewvictory.Andsowitheveryotherundertaking.Beconfidentthatyourammunitionisoftherightkind--alwayspullyourtriggerwithasteadyhand,andsosoonasyouperceiveacalm,touchheroff,andthespoilsareyours."

Thisfilledhimwithredoubledvigor,andhesetoutwithastrongeranxietythanevertothehomeofAmbulinia.Afewshortstepssoonbroughthimtothedoor,halfoutofbreath.Herappedgently.Ambulinia,whosatintheparloralone,suspectingElfonzowasnear,venturedtothedoor,openedit,andbeheldthehero,whostoodinanhumbleattitude,bowedgracefully,andastheycaughteachother'slooksthelightofpeacebeamedfromtheeyesofAmbulinia.Elfonzocaughttheexpression;ahallooofsmotheredshoutsranthrougheveryvein,andforthefirsttimehedaredtoimpressakissuponhercheek.Thescenewasoverwhelming;hadthetemptationbeenlessanimating,hewouldnothaveventuredtohaveactedsocontrarytothedesiredwishofhisAmbulinia;butwhocouldhavewithstoodtheirrestistabletemptation!Whatsocietycondemnsthepracticebutacold,heartless,uncivilizedpeoplethatknownothingofthewarmattachmentsofrefinedsociety?Herethedead

wasraisedtohislong-cherishedhopes,andthelostwasfound.Herealldoubtanddangerwereburiedinthevortexofoblivion;sectionaldifferencesnolongerdisunitedtheiropinions;likethefreedbirdfromthecage,sportiveclapsitsrustlingwings,wheelsabouttoheaveninajoyfulstrain,andraisesitsnotestotheuppersky.AmbuliniainsisteduponElfonzotobeseated,andgiveherahistoryofhisunnecessaryabsence;assuringhimthefamilyhadretired,consequentlytheywouldeverremainignorantofhisvisit.Advancingtowardhim,shegaveabrightdisplayofherrosyneck,andfromherheadtheambrosiallocksbreatheddivinefragrance;herrobehungwavingtohisview,whileshestoodlikeagoddessconfessedbeforehim.

"Itdoesseemtome,mydearsir,"saidAmbulinia,"thatyouhavebeen

goneanage.Oh,therestlesshoursIhavespentsinceIlastsawyou,inyonbeautifulgrove.ThereiswhereItrifledwithyourfeelingsfortheexpresspurposeoftryingyourattachmentforme.Inowfindyouaredevoted;butah!ItrustyoulivenotunguardedbythepowersofHeaven.ThoughoftdidIrefusetojoinmyhandwiththine,andasoftdidIcruellymockthyentreatieswithborrowedshapes:yes,Ifearedtoanswertheebyterms,inwordssincereandundissembled.O!couldIpursue,andyouhaveleisuretoheartheannalsofmywoes,theeveningstarwouldshutHeaven'sgatesupontheimpendingdaybeforemytalewouldbefinished,andthisnightwouldfindmesolicitingyourforgiveness."

"Dismissthyfearsandthydoubts,"repliedElfonzo.

"Look,O!look:thatangeliclookofthine--bathenotthyvisageintears;banishthosefloodsthataregathering;letmyconfessionandmypresencebringtheesomerelief.""Then,indeed,Iwillbecheerful,"saidAmbulinia,"andIthinkifwewillgototheexhibitionthisevening,wecertainlywillseesomethingworthyofourattention.Oneofthemosttragicalscenesistobeactedthathaseverbeenwitnessed,andonethateveryjealous-heartedpersonshouldlearnalessonfrom.Itcannotfailtohaveagoodeffect,asitwillbeperformedbythosewhoareyoungandvigorous,andlearnedaswellasenticing.Youareaware,



MajorElfonzo,whoaretoappearonthestage,andwhatthecharactersaretorepresent.""Iamacquaintedwiththecircumstances,"repliedElfonzo,"andasIamtobeoneofthemusiciansuponthatinterestingoccasion,Ishouldbemuchgratifiedifyouwouldfavormewithyourcompanyduringthehoursoftheexercises."

"Whatstrangenotionsareinyourmind?"inquiredAmbulinia."NowIknowyouhavesomethinginview,andIdesireyoutotellmewhyitisthatyouaresoanxiousthatIshouldcontinuewithyouwhiletheexercisesaregoingon;thoughifyouthinkIcanaddtoyourhappinessandpredilections,Ihavenoparticularobjectiontoacquiesceinyourrequest.Oh,IthinkIforesee,now,whatyouanticipate.""Andwillyouhavethegoodnesstotellmewhatyouthinkitwillbe?"inquiredElfonzo."Byallmeans,"answeredAmbulinia;"arival,sir,youwouldfancyinyourownmind;butletmesayforyou,fearnot!fearnot!Iwillbeoneofthelastpersonstodisgracemysexbythusencouragingeveryonewhomayfeeldisposedtovisitme,whomayhonormewiththeirgracefulbowsandtheirchoicestcompliments.Itistruethatyoungmentoooftenmistakecivilpolitenessforthefineremotionsoftheheart,whichistantamounttocourtship;but,ah!howoftenaretheydeceived,whentheycometotesttheweightofsunbeamswiththoseonwhosestrengthhangsthefuturehappinessofanuntriedlife."

ThepeoplewerenowrushingtotheAcademywithimpatientanxiety;the

bandofmusicwascloselyfollowedbythestudents;thentheparentsandguardians;nothinginterruptedtheglowofspiritswhichranthrougheverybosom,tingedwiththesongsofaVirgilandthetideofaHomer.ElfonzoandAmbuliniasoonrepairedtothescene,andfortunatelyforthemboththehousewassocrowdedthattheytooktheirseatstogetherinthemusicdepartment,whichwasnotinviewoftheauditory.ThisfortuitouscircumstancesaddedmoretheblissoftheMajorthanathousandsuchexhibitionswouldhavedone.Heforgotthathewasman;musichadlostitscharmsforhim;wheneverheattemptedtocarryhispart,thestringoftheinstrumentwouldbreak,thebowbecamestubborn,andrefusedtoobeytheloudcallsoftheaudience.Here,hesaid,wastheparadiseofhishome,thelong-sought-foropportunity;hefeltasthoughhecouldsendamillionsupplicationstothethroneofHeavenfor

suchanexaltedprivilege.PoorLeos,whowassomewhereinthecrowd,lookingasattentivelyasifhewassearchingforaneedleinahaystack;hereisstood,wonderingtohimselfwhyAmbuliniawasnotthere."Wherecanshebe?Oh!ifshewasonlyhere,howIcouldrelishthescene!Elfonzoiscertainlynotintown;butwhatifheis?Ihavegotthewealth,ifIhavenotthedignity,andIamsurethatthesquireandhisladyhavealwaysbeenparticularfriendsofmine,andIthinkwiththisassuranceIshallbeabletogetupontheblindsideoftherestofthefamilyandmaketheheaven-bornAmbuliniathemistressofallIpossess."Then,again,hewoulddrophishead,asifattemptingtosolvethemostdifficultprobleminEuclid.Whilehewasthusconjecturinginhisownmind,averyinterestingpartoftheexhibitionwasgoingon,whichcalledtheattentionofallpresent.Thecurtains

ofthestagewavedcontinuallybytherepelledforcesthatweregiventothem,whichcausedLeostobeholdAmbulinialeaninguponthechairofElfonzo.Herloftybeauty,seenbytheglimmeringofthechandelier,filledhisheartwithrapture,heknewnothowtocontainhimself;togowheretheywerewouldexposehimtoridicule;tocontinuewherehewas,withsuchanobjectbeforehim,withoutbeingallowedanexplanationinthattryinghour,wouldbetothegreatinjuryofhismentalaswellasofhisphysicalpowers;and,inthenameofhighheaven,whatmusthedo?Finally,heresolvedtocontainhimselfaswellasheconvenientlycould,untilthescenewasover,andthenhewouldplanthimselfatthe



wereallottednotforthereflectionofthedistressed,butforthefearlessandbold.

A.Notthechildofpoverty,Gracia,ortheheirofgloryandpeace,butoffate.Remember,Ihavewealthmorethanwitcannumber;Ihavehadpowermorethankingscouldemcompass;yettheworldseemsadesert;allnatureappearsanafflictivespectacleofwarringpassions.Thisblindfatality,thatcapriciouslysportswiththerulesandlivesofmortals,tellsmethatthemountainswillneveragainsendforththewateroftheirspringstomythirst.Oh,thatImightbefreedandsetatlibertyfromwretchedness!ButIfear,Ifearthiswillneverbe.

G.Why,Amelia,thisuntimelygrief?Whathascausedthesorrowsthatbespeakbetterandhappierdays,tothoselavishoutsuchheapsofmisery?Youareawarethatyourinstructivelessonsembellishthemindwithholytruths,byweddingitsattentiontononebutgreatandnobleaffections.

A.This,ofcourse,issomeconsolation.Iwilleverlovemyownspecieswithfeelingsofafondrecollection,andwhileIamstudyingtoadvancetheuniversalphilanthropy,andthespotlessnameofmyownsex,IwilltrytobuildmyownuponthepleasingbeliefthatIhaveacceleratedtheadvancementofonewhowhispersofdepartedconfidence.

AndI,likesomepoorpeasantfatedtoreside

Remotefromfriends,inaforestwide.

Oh,seewhatwoman'swoesandhumanwantsrequire,

Sincethatgreatdayhathspreadtheseedofsinfulfire.

G.Lookup,thoupoordisconsolate;youspeakofquittingearthlyenjoyments.Unfoldthybosomtoafriend,whowouldbewillingtosacrificeeveryenjoymentfortherestorationofthedignityand

gentlenessofmindwhichusedtograceyourwalks,andwhichissonaturaltoyourself;notonlythat,butyourpathswerestrewedwithflowersofeveryhueandofeveryorder.

Withverdantgreenthemountainsglow,

Forthee,forthee,theliliesgrow;

Farstretchedbeneaththetentedhills,

Afairerflowerthevalleyfills.

A.Oh,wouldtoHeavenIcouldgiveyouashortnarrativeofmyformerprospectsforhappiness,sinceyouhaveacknowledgedtobeanunchangeableconfidant--therichestofallotherblessings.Oh,yenamesforeverglorious,yecelebratedscenes,yerenownedspotofmyhymenealmoments;howrepleteisyourchartwithsublimereflections!Howmanyprofoundvows,decoratedwithimmaculatedeeds,arewrittenuponthesurfaceofthatpreciousspotofearthwhereIyieldedupmylifeofcelibacy,badeyouthwithallitsbeautiesafinaladieu,tookalastfarewellofthelaurelsthathadaccompaniedmeupthehillofmy



juvenilecareer.ItwasthenIbegantodescendtowardthevalleyofdisappointmentandsorrow;itwasthenIcastmylittlebarkuponamysteriousoceanofwedlock,withhimwhothensmiledandcaressedme,but,alas!nowfrownswithbitterness,andhasgrownjealousandcoldtowardme,becausetheringhegavemeismisplacedorlost.Oh,bearme,yeflowersofmemory,softlythroughtheeventfulhistoryofpasttimes;andyeplacesthathavewitnessedtheprogressionofmaninthecircleofsomanysocieties,and,of,aidmyrecollection,whileIendeavortotracethevicissitudesofalifedevotedinendeavoringtocomforthimthatIclaimastheobjectofmywishes.

Ah!yemysteriousmen,ofalltheworld,howfew

ActjusttoHeavenandtoyourpromisetrue!

ButHewhoguidesthestarswithawatchfuleye,

Thedeedsofmenlayopenwithoutdisguise;

Oh,thisalonewillavengethewrongsIbear,

ForalltheoppressedareHispeculiarcare.

(F.makesaslightnoise.)

A.Whoisthere--Farcillo?

G.ThenImustgone.Heavenprotectyou.Oh,Amelia,farewell,beofgoodcheer.

MayyoustandlikeOlympus'towers,

Againstearthandalljealouspowers!

Mayyou,withloudshoutsascendonhigh

Swiftasaneagleintheuppersky.

A.Whysocoldanddistanttonight,Farcillo?Come,letuseachothergreet,andforgetallthepast,andgivesecurityforthefuture.

F.Security!talktomeaboutgivingsecurityforthefuture--whataninsultingrequisition!Haveyousaidyourprayerstonight,MadamAmelia?

A.Farcillo,wesometimesforgetourduty,particularlywhenweexpect

tobecaressedbyothers.

F.Ifyoubethinkyourselfofanycrime,orofanyfault,thatisyetconcealedfromthecourtsofHeavenandthethronesofgrace,Ibidyouaskandsolicitforgivenessforitnow.

A.Oh,bekind,Farcillo,don'ttreatmeso.Whatdoyoumeanbyallthis?

F.Bekind,yousay;you,madam,haveforgotthatkindnessyouoweto



me,andbestowedituponanother;youshallsufferforyourconductwhenyoumakeyourpeacewithyourGod.Iwouldnotslaythyunprotectedspirit.IcalltoHeaventobemyguardandmywatch--Iwouldnotkillthysoul,inwhichallonceseemedjust,right,andperfect;butImustbebrief,woman.

A.What,talkyouofkilling?Oh,Farcillo,Farcillo,whatisthematter?

F.Aye,Ido,withoutdoubt;markwhatIsay,Amelia.

A.Then,OGod,OHeaven,andAngels,bepropitious,andhavemercyuponme.

F.Amentothat,madam,withallmyheart,andwithallmysoul.

A.Farcillo,listentomeonemoment;Ihopeyouwillnotkillme.

F.Killyou,aye,thatIwill;attestit,yefairhostoflight,recordit,yedarkimpsofhell!

A.Oh,Ifearyou--youarefatalwhendarknesscoversyourbrow;yetIknownotwhyIshouldfear,sinceIneverwrongedyouinallmylife.Istand,sir,guiltlessbeforeyou.

F.Youpretendtosayyouareguiltless!Thinkofthysins,Amelia;think,oh,think,hiddenwoman.

A.WhereinhaveInotbeentruetoyou?Thatdeathisunkind,cruel,andunnatural,thatkillsforliving.

F.Peace,andbestillwhileIunfoldtothee.

A.Iwill,Farcillo,andwhileIamthussilent,tellmethecauseofsuchcruelcoldnessinanhourlikethis.

F.ThatRING,oh,thatringIsoloved,andgavetheeastheringofmy

heart;theallegianceyoutooktobefaithful,whenitwaspresented;thekissesandsmileswithwhichyouhonoredit.Youbecametiredofthedonor,despiseditasaplague,andfinallygaveittoMalos,thehidden,theviletraitor.

A.No,uponmywordandhonor,Ineverdid;IappealtotheMostHightobearmeoutinthismatter.SendforMalos,andaskhim.

F.SendforMalos,aye!Malosyouwishtosee;Ithoughtso.Iknewyoucouldnotkeephisnameconcealed.Amelia,sweetAmelia,takeheed,takeheedofperjury;youareonthestageofdeath,tosufferforYOURSINS.

A.What,nottodieIhope,myFarcillo,myeverbeloved.

F.Yes,madam,todieatraitor'sdeath.Shortlyyourspiritshalltakeitsexit;thereforeconfessfreelythysins,fortodenytendsonlytomakemegroanunderthebittercupthouhastmadeforme.Thouarttodiewiththenameoftraitoronthybrow!

A.Then,OLord,havemercyuponme;givemecourage,givemegraceandfortitudetostandthishouroftrial.

F.Amen,Isay,withallmyheart.



A.And,oh,Farcillo,willyouhavemercy,too?Ineverintentionallyoffendedyouinallmylife,neverLOVEDMalos,nevergavehimcausetothinkso,asthehighcourtofJusticewillacquitmebeforeitstribunal.

F.Oh,false,perjuredwoman,thoudidstchillmyblood,andmakestmeademonlikethyself.Isawthering.

A.Hefoundit,then,orgotitclandestinely;sendforhim,andlethimconfessthetruth;lethisconfessionbesifted.

F.Andyoustillwishtoseehim!Itellyou,madam,hehathalreadyconfessed,andthouknowestthedarknessofthyheart.

A.What,mydeceivedFarcillo,thatIgavehimthering,inwhichallmyaffectionswereconcentrated?Oh,surelynot.

F.Aye,hedid.Askthyconscience,anditwillspeakwithavoiceofthundertothysoul.

A.Hewillnotsayso,hedarenot,hecannot.

F.No,hewillnotsaysonow,becausehismouth,Itrust,ishushedin

death,andhisbodystretchedtothefourwindsofheaven,tobetorntopiecesbycarnivorousbirds.

A.What,heisdead,andgonetotheworldofspiritswiththatdeclarationinhismouth?Oh,unhappyman!Oh,insupportablehour!

F.Yes,andhadallhissighsandlooksandtearsbeenlives,mygreatrevengecouldhaveslainthemall,withouttheleastcondemnation.

A.Alas!heisusheredintoeternitywithouttestingthematterforwhichIamabusedandsentencedandcondemnedtodie.

F.Cursed,infernalwoman!Weepestthouforhimtomyface?Hethathath

robbedmeofmypeace,myenergy,thewholeloveofmylife?CouldIcallthefabledHydra,Iwouldhavehimliveandperish,surviveanddie,untilthesunitselfwouldgrowdimwithage.IwouldmakehimhavethethirstofaTantalus,androllthewheelofanIxion,untilthestarsofheavenshouldquittheirbrilliantstations.

A.Oh,invincibleGod,saveme!Oh,unsupportablemoment!Oh,heavyhour!Banishme,Farcillo--sendmewherenoeyecaneverseeme,wherenosoundshallevergreatmyear;but,oh,slaymenot,Farcillo;ventthyrageandthyspiteuponthisemaciatedframeofmine,onlysparemylife.

F.Yourpetitionsavailnothing,cruelAmelia.

A.Oh,Farcillo,perpetratethedarkdeedtomorrow;letmelivetillthen,formypastkindnesstoyou,anditmaybesomekindangelwillshowtoyouthatIamnotonlytheobjectofinnocence,butonewhoneverlovedanotherbutyournobleself.

F.Amelia,thedecreehasgoneforth,itistobedone,andthatquickly;thouarttodie,madam.

A.Buthalfanhourallowme,toseemyfatherandmyonlychild,to



tellherthetreacheryandvanityofthisworld.

F.Thereisnoalternative,thereisnopause:mydaughtershallnotseeitsdeceptivemotherdie;yourfathershallnotknowthathisdaughterfelldisgraced,despisedbyallbutherenchantingMalos.

A.Oh,Farcillo,putupthythreateningdaggerintoitsscabbard;letitrestandbestill,justwhileIsayoneprayerfortheeandformychild.

F.Itistoolate,thydoomisfixed,thouhastnotconfessedtoHeavenortome,mychild'sprotector--thouarttodie.Yepowersofearthandheaven,protectanddefendmeinthisalone.(STABSHERWHILEIMPLORINGFORMERCY.)

A.Oh,Farcillo,Farcillo,aguiltlessdeathIdie.

F.Die!die!die!

(Graciaentersrunning,fallsonherkneesweeping,andkissesAmelia.)

G.Oh,Farcillo,Farcillo!oh,Farcillo!

F.Iamhere,thegeniusoftheage,andtheavengerofmywrongs.

G.Oh,lady,speakoncemore;sweetAmelia,on,speakagain.Gone,gone--yes,forevergone!Farcillo,oh,cold-heartedFarcillo,someevilfiendhathurgedyoutodothis,Farcillo.

F.Saynotsoagain,oryoushallreceivethesamefate.Ididthegloriousdeed,madam--beware,then,howyoutalk.

G.Ifearnotyourimplementsofwar;Iwillletyouknowyouhavenotthepowertodomeharm.Ifyouhaveaheartoftriplebrass,itshallbereachedandmelted,andthybloodshallchillthyveinsandgrow

stiffinthyarteries.HereistheringofthevirtuousandinnocentmurderedAmelia;IobtaineditfromMalos,whoyetlives,inhopesthathewillsurvivethewoundgivenhim,andsayshegotitclandestinely--declaresAmeliatobetheprincessoftruthandvirtue,invulnerabletoanythinglikeforgettingherfirstdevotiontothee.Theworldhasheardofyourconductandyourjealousy,andwithoneuniversalvoicedeclareshertobethebestofallinpiety;thatsheisthestarofthisgreatuniverse,andamorevirtuouswomanneverlivedsincethewheelsoftimebegan.Oh,hadyouwaitedtilltomorrow,oruntilIhadreturned,somekindwindowwouldhavebeenopenedtoherrelief.But,alas!sheisgone--yes,forevergone,totrytherealitiesofanunknownworld!

(FarcilloleaningoverthebodyofAmelia.)

F.Malosnotdead,andhereismyring!Oh,Amelia!falselymurdered!Oh,bloodydeed!Oh,wretchthatIam!Oh,angelsforgiveme!Oh,God,withholdthyvengeance!Oh,Amelia!ifHeavenwouldmakeathousandworldslikethis,setwithdiamonds,andallofoneperfectchrysolite,Iwouldnothavedonethisforthemall,IwouldnothavefrownedandcursedasIdid.Oh,shewasheavenlytrue,nursedintheverylap



ofbrightangels!CursedslavethatIam!Jealousy,oh!thouinfernaldemon!Lost,losttoeverysenseofhonor!Oh!Amelia--heaven-bornAmelia--dead,dead!Oh!oh!oh!--thenletmediewiththee.Farewell!farewell!yeworldthatdeceivedme!(STABSHIMSELF.)

Soonaftertheexcitementofthistragicalscenewasover,andtheenlistedfeelingforAmeliahadgrownmorebuoyantwithElfonzoandAmbulinia,hedeterminedtovisithisretiredhome,andmakethenecessaryimprovementstoenjoyabetterday;consequentlyheconveyedthefollowinglinestoAmbulinia:

Gotelltheworldthathopeisglowing,

Gobidtherockstheirsilencebreak,

Gotellthestarsthatloveisglowing,

Thenbidtheherohislovertake.

Intheregionwherescarcelythefootofmanhathevertrod,wherethewoodmanhathnotfoundhisway,liesabloominggrove,seenonlybythe

sunwhenhemountshisloftythrone,visitedonlybythelightofthestars,towhomareentrustedtheguardianshipofearth,beforethesunsinkstorestinhisrosybed.Highcliffsofrockssurroundtheromanticplace,andinthesmallcavityoftherockywallgrowsthedaffodilclearandpure;andasthewindblowsalongtheenchantinglittlemountainwhichsurroundsthelonelyspot,itnourishestheflowerswiththedew-dropsofheaven.HereistheseatofElfonzo;darknessclaimsbutlittlevictoryoverthisdominion,andinvaindoesshespreadouthergloomywings.Herethewatersflowperpetually,andthetreeslashtheirtopstogethertobidthewelcomevisitorahappymuse.Elfonzo,duringhisshortstayinthecountry,hadfullypersuadedhimselfthatitwashisdutytobringthissolemnmattertoanissue.Adutythatheindividuallyowed,asagentleman,totheparentsof

Ambulinia,adutyinitselfinvolvingnotonlyhisownhappinessandhisownstandinginsociety,butonethatcalledaloudtheactofthepartiestomakeitperfectandcomplete.Howheshouldcommunicatehisintentionstogetafavorablereply,hewasatalosstoknow;heknewnotwhethertoaddressEsq.Valeerinproseorinpoetry,inajocularoranargumentativemanner,orwhetherheshouldusemoralsuasion,legalinjunction,orseizureandtakebyreprisal;ifitwastodothelatter,hewouldhavenodifficultyindecidinginhisownmind,buthisgentlemanlyhonorwasatstake;soheconcludedtoaddressthefollowinglettertothefatherandmotherofAmbulinia,ashisaddressinpersonheknewwouldonlyaggravatetheoldgentleman,andperhapshislady.

Cumming,Ga.,January22,1844

Mr.andMrs.Valeer--

AgainIresumethepleasingtaskofaddressingyou,andoncemorebeganimmediateanswertomymanysalutations.Fromeverycircumstancethathastakenplace,Ifeelindutyboundtocomplywithmyobligations;toforfeitmywordwouldbemorethanIdaredo;tobreakmypledge,andmyvowsthathavebeenwitnessed,sealed,anddeliveredinthepresenceof



anunseenDeity,wouldbedisgracefulonmypart,aswellasruinoustoAmbulinia.Iwishnolongertobekeptinsuspenseaboutthismatter.Iwishtoactgentlemanlyineveryparticular.Itistrue,thepromisesIhavemadeareunknowntoanybutAmbulinia,andIthinkitunnecessarytohereenumeratethem,astheywhopromisethemostgenerallyperformtheleast.Canyouforamomentdoubtmysincerityormycharacter?Myonlywishis,sir,thatyoumaycalmlyanddispassionatelylookatthesituationofthecase,andifyourbetterjudgmentshoulddictateotherwise,myobligationsmayinducemetoplucktheflowerthatyousodiametricallyopposed.Wehaveswordbythesaints--bythegodsofbattle,andbythatfaithwherebyjustmenaremadeperfect--tobeunited.Ihope,mydearsir,youwillfinditconvenientaswellasagreeabletogivemeafavorableanswer,withthesignatureofMrs.Valeer,aswellasyourself.

Withverygreatesteem,

yourhumbleservant,

J.I.Elfonzo.

ThemoonandstarshadgrownpalewhenAmbuliniahadretiredtorest.Acrowdofunpleasantthoughtspassedthroughherbosom.Solitudedweltinherchamber--nosoundfromtheneighboringworldpenetrateditsstillness;itappearedatempleofsilence,ofrepose,andofmystery.Atthatmomentsheheardastillvoicecallingherfather.Inaninstant,liketheflashoflightning,athoughtranthroughhermindthatitmustbethebearerofElfonzo'scommunication."Itisnotadream!"shesaid,"no,Icannotreaddreams.Oh!IwouldtoHeavenIwasnearthatglowingeloquence--thatpoeticallanguage--itcharmsthemindinaninexpressiblemanner,andwarmsthecoldestheart."Whileconsolingherselfwiththisstrain,herfatherrushedintoherroomalmostfranticwithrage,exclaiming:"Oh,Ambulinia!Ambulinia!!undutiful,ungratefuldaughter!Whatdoesthismean?Whydoesthis

letterbearsuchheart-rendingintelligence?Willyouquitafather'shousewiththisdebasedwretch,withoutaplacetolayhisdistractedhead;goingupanddownthecountry,witheverynovelobjectthatmanychancetowanderthroughthisregion.Heisaprettymantomakeloveknowntohissuperiors,andyou,Ambulinia,havedonebutlittlecredittoyourselfbyhonoringhisvisits.Oh,wretchedness!canitbethatmyhopesofhappinessareforeverblasted!Willyounotlistentoafather'sentreaties,andpaysomeregardtoamother'stears.Iknow,andIdopraythatGodwillgivemefortitudetobearwiththisseaoftroubles,andrescuemydaughter,myAmbulinia,asabrandfromtheeternalburning.""Forgiveme,father,oh!forgivethychild,"repliedAmbulinia."Myheartisreadytobreak,whenIseeyouinthisgrievedstateofagitation.Oh!thinknotsomeanlyofme,asthatImournfor

myowndanger.Father,Iamonlywoman.Mother,Iamonlythetemplementofthyyouthfulyears,butwillsuffercourageouslywhateverpunishmentyouthinkpropertoinflictuponme,ifyouwillbutallowmetocomplywithmymostsacredpromises--ifyouwillbutgivememypersonalrightandmypersonalliberty.Oh,father!ifyourgenerositywillbutgivemethese,Iasknothingmore.WhenElfonzoofferedmehisheart,Igavehimmyhand,nevertoforsakehim,andnowmaythemightyGodbanishmebeforeIleavehiminadversity.WhataheartmustIhavetorejoiceinprosperitywithhimwhoseoffersIhaveaccepted,andthen,whenpovertycomes,haggardasitmaybe,formetotriflewiththeoraclesof



Heaven,andchangewitheveryfluctuationthatmayinterruptourhappiness--likethepoliticianwhorunsthepoliticalgantletforofficeoneday,andthenextday,becausethehorizonisdarkenedalittle,heisseenrunningforhislife,forfearhemightperishinitsruins.Whereisthephilosophy,whereistheconsistency,whereisthecharity,inconductlikethis?Behappythen,mybelovedfather,andforgetme;letthesorrowofpartingbreakdownthewallofseparationandmakeusequalinourfeeling;letmenowsayhowardentlyIloveyou;letmekissthatage-worncheek,andshouldmytearsbedewthyface,Iwillwipethemaway.Oh,Inevercanforgetyou;no,never,never!"

"Weepnot,"saidthefather,"Ambulinia.IwillforbidElfonzomyhouse,anddesirethatyoumaykeepretiredafewdays.Iwilllethimknowthatmyfriendshipformyfamilyisnotlinkedtogetherbycankeredchains;andifheeverentersuponmypremisesagain,Iwillsendhimtohislonghome.""Oh,father!letmeentreatyoutobecalmuponthisoccasion,andthoughElfonzomaybethesportofthecloudsandwinds,yetIfeelassuredthatnofatewillsendhimtothesilenttombuntiltheGodoftheUniversecallshimhencewithatriumphantvoice."

Herethefatherturnedaway,exclaiming:"Iwillanswerhisletterinaveryfewwords,andyou,madam,willhavethegoodnesstostayathomewithyourmother;andremember,Iamdeterminedtoprotectyoufromtheconsumingfirethatlookssofairtoyourview."

Cumming,January22,1844.

Sir--Inregardtoyourrequest,IamasIeverhavebeen,utterlyopposedtoyourmarryingintomyfamily;andifyouhaveanyregardforyourself,oranygentlemanlyfeeling,Ihopeyouwillmentionittomenomore;butseeksomeotheronewhoisnotsofarsuperiortoyouinstanding.

W.W.Valeer.

WhenElfonzoreadtheaboveletter,hebecamesomuchdepressedinspiritsthatmanyofhisfriendsthoughtitadvisabletouseothermeanstobringaboutthehappyunion."Strange,"saidhe,"thatthecontentsofthisdiminutivelettershouldcausemetohavesuchdepressedfeelings;butthereisanoblerthemethanthis.IknownotwhymyMILITARYTITLEisnotasgreatasthatofSQUIREVALEER.FormylifeIcannotseethatmyancestorsareinferiortothosewhoaresobitterlyopposedtomymarriagewithAmbulinia.IknowIhaveseenhugemountainsbeforeme,yet,whenIthinkthatIknowgentlemenwillinsultmeupon

thisdelicatematter,shouldIbecomeangryatfoolsandbabblers,whopridethemselvesintheirimpudenceandignorance?No.Myequals!Iknownotwheretofindthem.Myinferiors!Ithinkitbeneathme;andmysuperiors!Ithinkitpresumption;therefore,ifthisyouthfulheartisprotectedbyanyofthedivinerights,Ineverwillbetraymytrust."

HewasawarethatAmbuliniahadaconfidencethatwas,indeed,asfirmandasresoluteasshewasbeautifulandinteresting.HehastenedtothecottageofLouisa,whoreceivedhiminherusualmodeofpleasantness,andinformedhimthatAmbuliniahadjustthatmomentleft."Isit



possible?"saidElfonzo."Oh,murderedhours!Whydidshenotremainandbetheguardianofmysecrets?Buthastenandtellmehowshehasstoodthistryingscene,andwhatareherfuturedeterminations.""Youknow,"saidLouisa,"MajorElfonzo,thatyouhaveAmbulinia'sfirstlove,whichisofnosmallconsequence.Shecamehereabouttwilight,andshedmanyprecioustearsinconsequenceofherownfatewithyours.Wewalkedsilentlyinyonlittlevalleyyousee,wherewespentamomentaryrepose.Sheseemedtobequiteasdeterminedasever,andbeforeweleftthatbeautifulspotsheofferedupaprayertoHeavenforthee.""Iwillseeherthen,"repliedElfonzo,"thoughlegionsofenemiesmayoppose.Sheisminebyforeordination--sheisminebyprophesy--sheisminebyherownfreewill,andIwillrescueherfromthehandsofheroppressors.Willyounot,MissLouisa,assistmeinmycapture?"

"Iwillcertainly,bytheaidofDivineProvidence,"answeredLouisa,"endeavortobreakthoseslavishchainsthatbindtherichestofprizes;thoughallowme,Major,toentreatyoutousenoharshmeansonthisimportantoccasion;takeadecidedstand,andwritefreelytoAmbuliniauponthissubject,andIwillseethatnointerveningcausehindersitspassagetoher.Godalonewillsaveamourningpeople.Nowisthedayandnowisthehourtoobeyacommandofsuchvaluableworth."TheMajorfelthimselfgrowstrongerafterthisshortinterviewwithLouisa.Hefeltasifhecouldwhiphisweightinwildcats--heknewhewasmasterofhisownfeelings,andcouldnowwritealetterthatwouldbringthis

litigationtoANISSUE.

Cumming,January24,1844.

DearAmbulinia--

Wehavenowreachedthemosttryingmomentofourlives;wearepledgednottoforsakeourtrust;wehavewaitedforafavorablehourtocome,thinkingyourfriendswouldsettlethematteragreeablyamongthemselves,andfinallybereconciledtoourmarriage;butasIhavewaitedinvain,andlookedinvain,Ihavedeterminedinmyownmindto

makeapropositiontoyou,thoughyoumaythinkitnotinaccordwithyourstation,orcompatiblewithyourrank;yet,"sublocsignovinces."YouknowIcannotresumemyvisits,inconsequenceoftheutterhostilitythatyourfatherhastome;thereforetheconsummationofourunionwillhavetobesoughtforinamoresublimesphere,attheresidenceofarespectablefriendofthisvillage.Youcannothaveanscruplesuponthismodeofproceeding,ifyouwillbutrememberitemanatesfromonewholovesyoubetterthanhisownlife--whoismorethananxioustobidyouwelcometoanewandhappyhome.Yourwarmestassociatessaycome;thetalented,thelearned,thewise,andtheexperiencedsaycome;--allthesewiththeirfriendssay,come.Viewingthese,withmanyotherinducements,IflattermyselfthatyouwillcometotheembracesofyourElfonzo;fornowisthetimeofyouracceptance

ofthedayofyourliberation.Youcannotbeignorant,Ambulinia,thatthouartthedesireofmyheart;itsthoughtsaretoonoble,andtoopure,toconcealthemselvesfromyou.Ishallwaitforyouranswertothisimpatiently,expectingthatyouwillsetthetimetomakeyourdeparture,andtobeinreadinessatamoment'swarningtosharethejoysofamorepreferablelife.ThiswillbehandedtoyoubyLouisa,whowilltakeapleasureincommunicatinganythingtoyouthatmayrelieveyourdejectedspirits,andwillassureyouthatInowstandready,willing,andwaitingtomakegoodmyvows.



Iam,dearAmbulinia,your

truly,andforever,

J.I.Elfonzo.

LouisamadeitconvenienttovisitMr.Valeer's,thoughtheydidnotsuspectherintheleastthebearerofloveepistles;consequently,shewasinvitedintheroomtoconsoleAmbulinia,wheretheywereleftalone.Ambuliniawasseatedbyasmalltable--herheadrestingonherhand--herbrillianteyeswerebathedintears.LouisahandedhertheletterofElfonzo,whenanotherspiritanimatedherfeatures--thespiritofrenewedconfidencethatneverfailstostrengthenthefemalecharacterinanhourofgriefandsorrowlikethis,andasshepronouncedthelastaccentofhisname,sheexclaimed,"Anddoeshelovemeyet!Ineverwillforgetyourgenerosity,Louisa.Oh,unhappyandyetblessedLouisa!mayyouneverfeelwhatIhavefelt--mayyouneverknowthepangsoflove.HadIneverloved,Ineverwouldhavebeenunhappy;butIturntoHimwhocansave,andifHiswisdomdoesnotwillmyexpectedunion,IknowHewillgivemestrengthtobearmylot.Amuseyourselfwiththislittlebook,andtakeitasanapologyformysilence,"saidAmbulinia,"whileIattempttoanswerthisvolumeof

consolation.""Thankyou,"saidLouisa,"youareexcusableuponthisoccasion;butIprayyou,Ambulinia,tobeexpertuponthismomentoussubject,thattheremaybenothingmistrustfuluponmypart.""Iwill,"saidAmbulinia,andimmediatelyresumedherseatandaddressedthefollowingtoElfonzo:

Cumming,Ga.,January28,1844.

DevotedElfonzo--

Ihailyourletterasawelcomemessengeroffaith,andcannowsay

trulyandfirmlythatmyfeelingscorrespondwithyours.Nothingshallbewantingonmyparttomakemyobedienceyourfidelity.Courageandperseverancewillaccomplishsuccess.Receivethisasmyoath,thatwhileIgraspyourhandinmyownimagination,westandunitedbeforeahighertribunalthananyonearth.Allthepowersofmylife,soul,andbody,Idevotetothee.Whateverdangersmaythreatenme,Ifearnottoencounterthem.PerhapsIhavedetermineduponmyowndestruction,byleavingthehouseofthebestofparents;beitso;Ifleetoyou;Ishareyourdestiny,faithfultotheend.ThedaythatIhaveconcludeduponforthistaskisSABBATHnext,whenthefamilywiththecitizensaregenerallyatchurch.ForHeaven'ssakeletnotthatdaypassunimproved:trustnottilltomorrow,itisthecheatoflife--thefuturethatnevercomes--thegraveofmanynoblebirths--thecavernofruined

enterprise:whichlikethelightning'sflashisborn,anddies,andperishes,erethevoiceofhimwhoseescancry,BEHOLD!BEHOLD!!YoumaytrusttowhatIsay,nopowershalltemptmetobetrayconfidence.Suffermetoaddonewordmore.

Iwillsoothethee,inallthygrief,

Besidethegloomyriver;



Andthoughthylovemayyetbebrief;

Mineisfixedforever.

Receivethedeepestemotionsofmyheartforthyconstantlove,andmaythepowerofinspirationbythyguide,thyportion,andthyall.Ingreathaste,

Yoursfaithfully,

Ambulinia.

"Inowtakemyleaveofyou,sweetgirl,"saidLouisa,"sincerelywishingyousuccessonSabbathnext."WhenAmbulinia'sletterwashandedtoElfonzo,heperuseditwithoutdoubtingitscontents.Louisachargedhimtomakebutfewconfidants;butlikemostyoungmenwhohappenedtowintheheartofabeautifulgirl,hewassoelatedwiththeideathathefeltasacommandinggeneralonparade,whohadconfidenceinall,consequentlygaveorderstoall.TheappointedSabbath,withadeliciousbreezeandcloudlesssky,madeitsappearance.Thepeoplegatheredincrowdstothechurch--thestreetswerefilledwithneighboringcitizens,

allmarchingtothehouseofworship.ItisentirelyuselessformetoattempttodescribethefeelingsofElfonzoandAmbulinia,whoweresilentlywatchingthemovementsofthemultitude,apparentlycountingthemasthenenteredthehouseofGod,lookingforthelastonetodarkenthedoor.Theimpatienceandanxietywithwhichtheywaited,andtheblisstheyanticipatedontheeventfulday,isaltogetherindescribable.Thosethathavebeensofortunateastoembarkinsuchanobleenterpriseknowallitsrealities;andthosewhohavenothadthisinestimableprivilegewillhavetotasteitssweetsbeforetheycantelltoothersitsjoys,itscomforts,anditsHeaven-bornworth.ImmediatelyafterAmbuliniahadassistedthefamilyofftochurch,shetookadvantageofthatopportunitytomakegoodherpromises.Sheleftahomeofenjoymenttobeweddedtoonewhoselovehadbeenjustifiable.Afew

shortstepsbroughthertothepresenceofLouisa,whourgedhertomakegooduseofhertime,andnottodelayamoment,buttogowithhertoherbrother'shouse,whereElfonzowouldforevermakeherhappy.Withlivelyspeed,andyetagracefulair,sheenteredthedoorandfoundherselfprotectedbythechampionofherconfidence.Thenecessaryarrangementswerefastmakingtohavethetwoloversunited--everythingwasinreadinessexcepttheparson;andastheyaregenerallyverysanctimoniousonsuchoccasions,thenewsgottotheparentsofAmbuliniabeforetheeverlastingknotwastied,andtheybothcamerunning,withupliftedhandsandinjuredfeelings,toarresttheirdaughterfromanunguardedandhastyresolution.Elfonzodesiredtomaintainhisground,butAmbuliniathoughtitbestforhimtoleave,toprepareforagreatercontest.Heaccordinglyobeyed,asitwouldhave

beenavainendeavorforhimtohavebattledagainstamanwhowasarmedwithdeadlyweapons;andbesides,hecouldnotresisttherequestofsuchapureheart.Ambuliniaconcealedherselfintheupperstoryofthehouse,fearingtherebukeofherfather;thedoorwaslocked,andnochastisementwasnowexpected.EsquireValeer,whosepridewasalreadytouched,resolvedtopreservethedignityofhisfamily.Heenteredthehousealmostexhausted,lookingwildlyforAmbulinia."AmazedandastonishedindeedIam,"saidhe,"atapeoplewhocallthemselvescivilized,toallowsuchbehaviorasthis.Ambulinia,Ambulinia!"hecried,"cometothecallsofyourfirst,yourbest,andyouronly



friend.Iappealtoyou,sir,"turningtothegentlemanofthehouse,"toknowwhereAmbuliniahasgone,orwhereisshe?""Doyoumeantoinsultme,sir,inmyownhouse?"inquiredthegentleman."Iwillburst,"saidMr.V.,"asundereverydoorinyourdwelling,insearchofmydaughter,ifyoudonotspeakquickly,andtellmewheresheis.Icarenothingaboutthatoutcastrubbishofcreation,thatmean,low-livedElfonzo,ifIcanbutobtainAmbulinia.Areyounotgoingtoopenthisdoor?"saidhe."BytheEternalthatmadeHeavenandearth!Iwillgoabouttheworkinstantly,ifthisisnotdone!"Theconfusedcitizensgatheredfromallpartsofthevillage,toknowthecauseofthiscommotion.Somerushedintothehouse;thedoorthatwaslockedflewopen,andtherestoodAmbulinia,weeping."Father,bestill,"saidshe,"andIwillfollowtheehome."Buttheagitatedmanseizedher,andboreheroffthroughthegazingmultitude."Father!"sheexclaimed,"Ihumblybegyourpardon--Iwillbedutiful--Iwillobeythycommands.LetthesixteenyearsIhavelivedinobediencetotheebymyfuturesecurity.""Idon'tliketobealwaysgivingcredit,whentheoldscoreisnotpaidup,madam,"saidthefather.Themotherfollowedalmostinastateofderangement,cryingandimploringhertothinkbeforehand,andaskadvicefromexperiencedpersons,andtheywouldtellheritwasarashundertaking."Oh!"saidshe,"Ambulinia,mydaughter,didyouknowwhatIhavesuffered--didyouknowhowmanynightsIhavewhiledawayinagony,inpain,andinfear,youwouldpitythesorrowsofaheartbrokenmother."

"Well,mother,"repliedAmbulinia,"IknowIhavebeendisobedient;IamawarethatwhatIhavedonemighthavebeendonemuchbetter;butoh!whatshallIdowithmyhonor?itissodeartome;IampledgedtoElfonzo.Hishighmoralworthiscertainlyworthsomeattention;moreover,myvows,Ihavenodoubt,arerecordedinthebookoflife,andmustIgivetheseallup?mustmyfairhopesbeforeverblasted?Forbidit,father;oh!forbidit,mother;forbidit,Heaven.""Ihaveseensomanybeautifulskiesoverclouded,"repliedthemother,"somanyblossomsnippedbythefrost,thatIamafraidtotrustyoutothecareofthosefairdays,whichmaybeinterruptedbythunderingandtempestuousnights.YounodoubtthinkasIdid--life'sdeviouswayswerestrewnwithsweet-scentedflowers,butah!howlongtheyhave

lingeredaroundmeandtooktheirflightinthevividhopethatlaughsatthedroopingvictimsithasmurdered."Elfonzowasmovedatthissight.ThepeoplefollowedontoseewhatwasgoingtobecomeofAmbulinia,whilehe,withdowncastlooks,keptatadistance,untilhesawthementertheabodeofthefather,thrustingher,thatwasthesighofhissoul,outofhispresenceintoasolitaryapartment,whensheexclaimed,"Elfonzo!Elfonzo!oh,Elfonzo!whereartthou,withallthyheroes?haste,oh!haste,comethoutomyrelief.Rideonthewingsofthewind!Turnthyforcelooselikeatempest,androllonthyarmylikeawhirlwind,overthismountainoftroubleandconfusion.Oh,friends!ifanypityme,letyourlasteffortsthronguponthegreenhills,andcometothereliefofAmbulinia,whoisguiltyofnothingbutinnocentlove."Elfonzocalledoutwithaloudvoice,"MyGod,canIstandthis!

ariseup,Ibeseechyou,andputanendtothistyranny.Come,mybraveboys,"saidhe,"areyoureadytogoforthtoyourduty?"Theystoodaroundhim."Who,"saidhe,"willcallustoarms?Wherearemythunderboltsofwar?Speakye,thefirstwhowillmeetthefoe!Whowillgoforwardwithmeinthisoceanofgrievoustemptation?Ifthereisonewhodesirestogo,lethimcomeandshakehandsuponthealtarofdevotion,andswearthathewillbeahero;yes,aHectorinacauselikethis,whichcallsaloudforaspeedyremedy.""Minebethedeed,"saidayounglawyer,"andminealone;VenusaloneshallquitherstationbeforeIwillforsakeonejotortittleofmypromisetoyou;what



isdeathtome?whatisallthiswarlikearmy,ifitisnottowinavictory?Ilovethesleepoftheloverandthemighty;norwouldIgiveitovertillthebloodofmyenemiesshouldwreakwiththatofmyown.ButGodforbidthatourfameshouldsoaronthebloodoftheslumberer."Mr.Valeerstandsathisdoorwiththefrownofademonuponhisbrow,withhisdangerousweaponreadytostrikethefirstmanwhoshouldenterhisdoor."WhowillariseandgoforwardthroughbloodandcarnagetotherescueofmyAmbulinia?"saidElfonzo."All,"exclaimedthemultitude;andonwardtheywent,withtheirimplementsofbattle.Others,ofamoretimidnature,stoodamongthedistanthillstoseetheresultofthecontest.

Elfonzotooktheleadofhisband.Nightaroseinclouds;darknessconcealedtheheavens;buttheblazinghopesthatstimulatedthemgleamedineverybosom.Allapproachedtheanxiousspot;theyrushedtothefrontofthehouseand,withoneexclamation,demandedAmbulinia."Away,begone,anddisturbmypeacenomore,"saidMr.Valeer."Youareasetofbase,insolent,andinfernalrascals.Go,thenorthernstarpointsyourpaththroughthedimtwilightofthenight;go,andventyourspiteuponthelonelyhills;pourforthyourlove,youpoor,weak-mindedwretch,uponyouridlenessanduponyourguitar,andyourfiddle;theyarefitsubjectsforyouradmiration,forletmeassureyou,thoughthisswordandironleverarecankered,yettheyfrowninsleep,andletoneofyoudaretoentermyhousethisnightandyou

shallhavethecontentsandtheweightoftheseinstruments.""Neveryetdidbasedishonorblurmyname,"saidElfonzo;"mineisacauseofrenown;herearemywarriors;fearandtremble,forthisnight,thoughhellitselfshouldoppose,Iwillendeavortoavengeherwhomthouhastbanishedinsolitude.ThevoiceofAmbuliniashallbeheardfromthatdarkdungeon."AtthatmomentAmbuliniaappearedatthewindowabove,andwithatremulousvoicesaid,"Live,Elfonzo!oh!livetoraisemystoneofmoss!whyshouldsuchlanguageenteryourheart?whyshouldthyvoicerendtheairwithsuchagitation?Ibidtheelive,oncemorerememberingthesetearsofmineareshedaloneforthee,inthisdarkandgloomyvault,andshouldIperishunderthisloadoftrouble,jointhesongofthrillingaccentswiththeravenabovemygrave,andlaythistatteredframebesidethebanksoftheChattahoocheeorthestream

ofSawney'sbrook;sweetwillbethesongofdeathtoyourAmbulinia.MyghostshallvisityouinthesmilesofParadise,andtellyourhighfametothemindsofthatregion,whichisfarmorepreferablethanthislonelycell.Myheartshallspeakfortheetillthelatesthour;Iknowfaintandbrokenarethesoundsofsorrow,yetoursouls,Elfonzo,shallhearthepeacefulsongstogether.Onebrightnameshallbeoursonhigh,ifwearenotpermittedtobeunitedhere;bearinmindthatIstillcherishmyoldsentiments,andthepoetwillminglethenamesofElfonzoandAmbuliniainthetideofotherdays.""Fly,Elfonzo,"saidthevoicesofhisunitedband,"tothewoundedheartofyourbeloved.Allenemiesshallfallbeneaththysword.Flythroughtheclefts,andthedimsparkshallsleepindeath."Elfonzorushesforwardandstrikeshisshieldagainstthedoor,whichwasbarricaded,topreventany

intercourse.Hisbravesonsthrongaroundhim.Thepeoplepouralongthestreets,bothmaleandfemale,topreventorwitnessthemelancholyscene.

"Toarms,toarms!"criedElfonzo;"hereisavictorytobewon,aprizetobegainedthatismoretomethatthewholeworldbeside.""Itcannotbedonetonight,"saidMr.Valeer."Ibeartheclangofdeath;mystrengthandarmorshallprevail.MyAmbuliniashallrestinthishalluntilthebreakofanotherday,andifwefall,wefalltogether.Ifwedie,wedieclingingtoourtatteredrights,andourbloodaloneshall



tellthemournfultaleofamurdereddaughterandaruinedfather."Sureenough,hekeptwatchallnight,andwassuccessfulindefendinghishouseandfamily.Thebrightmorninggleameduponthehills,nightvanishedaway,theMajorandhisassociatesfeltsomewhatashamedthattheyhadnotbeenasfortunateastheyexpectedtohavebeen;however,theystillleanedupontheirarmsindispersedgroups;somewerewalkingthestreets,othersweretalkingintheMajor'sbehalf.Manyofthecitizensuspendedbusiness,asthetownpresentednothingbutconsternation.Anoveltythatmightendinthedestructionofsomeworthyandrespectablecitizens.Mr.Valeerventuredinthestreets,thoughnotwithoutbeingwellarmed.Someofhisfriendscongratulatedhimonthedecidedstandhehadtaken,andhopedhewouldsettlethematteramicablywithElfonzo,withoutanyseriousinjury."Me,"hereplied,"what,me,condescendtofellowshipwithacoward,andalow-lived,lazy,underminingvillain?no,gentlemen,thiscannotbe;Ihadratherbeborneoff,likethebubbleuponthedarkblueocean,withAmbuliniabymyside,thantohavehimintheascendingordescendinglineofrelationship.Gentlemen,"continuedhe,"ifElfonzoissomuchofadistinguishedcharacter,andissolearnedinthefinearts,whydoyounotpatronizesuchmen?whynotintroducehimintoyourfamilies,asagentlemanoftasteandofunequaledmagnanimity?whyareyousoveryanxiousthatheshouldbecomearelativeofmine?Oh,gentlemen,Ifearyouyetaretaintedwiththecuriosityofourfirstparents,whowerebeguiledbythepoisonouskissofanolduglyserpent,andwho,forone

APPLE,DAMNEDallmankind.Iwishtodivestmyself,asfaraspossible,ofthatuntutoredcustom.Ihavelongsincelearnedthattheperfectionofwisdom,andtheendoftruephilosophy,istoproportionourwantstoourpossessions,ourambitiontoourcapacities;wewillthenbeahappyandavirtuouspeople."Ambuliniawassentofftoprepareforalongandtediousjourney.Hernewacquaintanceshadbeeninstructedbyherfatherhowtotreather,andinwhatmanner,andtokeeptheanticipatedvisitentirelysecret.Elfonzowaswatchingthemovementsofeverybody;somefriendshadtoldhimoftheplotthatwaslaidtocarryoffAmbulinia.Atnight,heralliedsometwoorthreeofhisforces,andwentsilentlyalongtothestatelymansion;afaintandglimmeringlightshowedthroughthewindows;lightlyhestepstothedoor;thereweremanyvoicesrallyingfreshinfancy'seye;hetappedtheshutter;itwas

openedinstantly,andhebeheldoncemore,seatedbesideseveralladies,thehopeofallhistoils;herushedtowardher,sherosefromherseat,rejoicing;hemadeonemightygrasp,whenAmbuliniaexclaimed,"HuzzaforMajorElfonzo!Iwilldefendmyselfandyou,too,withthisconqueringinstrumentIholdinmyhand;huzza,Isay,Inowinvoketime'sbroadwingtoshedaroundussomedewdropsofverdantspring."

Butthehourhadnotcomeforthisjoyousreunion;herfriendsstruggledwithElfonzoforsometime,andfinallysucceededinarrestingherfromhishands.Hedarednotinjurethem,becausetheywerematronswhosecourageneedednospur;shewassnatchedfromthearmsofElfonzo,withsomucheagerness,andyetwithsuchexpressivesignification,thathecalmlywithdrewfromthislovelyenterprise,withanardenthopethathe

shouldbelulledtoreposebythezephyrswhichwhisperedpeacetohissoul.Severallongdaysandnightpassedunmolested,allseemedtohavegroundedtheirarmsofrebellion,andnocallidityappearedtobegoingonwithanyoftheparties.OtherarrangementsweremadebyAmbulinia;shefeignedherselftobeentirelythevotaryofamother'scare,andshe,byhergracefulsmiles,thatmanhoodmightclaimhissterndominioninsomeotherregion,wheresuchboisterouslovewasnotsoprevalent.Thisgavetheparentsaconfidencethatyieldedsomehoursofsoberjoy;theybelievedthatAmbuliniawouldnowceasetoloveElfonzo,andthatherstolenaffectionswouldnowexpirewithhermisguidedopinions.They



thereforedeclinedtheideaofsendinghertoadistantland.Butoh!theydreamednotoftherapturethatdazzledthefancyofAmbulinia,whowouldsay,whenalone,youthshouldnotflyawayonhisrosypinions,andleavehertograppleintheconflictwithunknownadmirers.

Nofrowningageshallcontrol

Theconstantcurrentofmysoul,

Noratearfrompity'seye

Shallcheckmysympatheticsigh.

Withthisresolutionfixedinhermind,onedarkanddrearynight,whenthewindswhistledandthetempestroared,shereceivedintelligencethatElfonzowasthenwaiting,andeverypreparationwasthenready,attheresidenceofDr.Tully,andforhertomakeaquickescapewhilethefamilywasreposing.Accordinglyshegatheredherbooks,wentthewardrobesuppliedwithavarietyofornamentaldressing,andventuredaloneinthestreetstomakeherwaytoElfonzo,whowasnearathand,impatientlylookingandwatchingherarrival."Whatforms,"saidshe,"arethoserisingbeforeme?Whatisthatdarkspotontheclouds?Ido

wonderwhatfrightfulghostthatis,gleamingontheredtempest?Oh,bemercifulandtellmewhatregionyouarefrom.Oh,tellme,yestrongspirits,oryedarkandfleetingclouds,thatIyethaveafriend.""Afriend,"saidalow,whisperingvoice."Iamthyunchanging,thyaged,andthydisappointedmother.Whybrandishinthathandofthineajavelinofpointedsteel?WhysufferthatlipIhavekissedathousandtimestoequivocate?Mydaughter,letthesetearssinkdeepintothysoul,andnolongerpersistinthatwhichmaybeyourdestructionandruin.Come,mydearchild,retractyoursteps,andbearmecompanytoyourwelcomehome."Withoutoneretortingword,orfrownfromherbrow,sheyieldedtotheentreatiesofhermother,andwithallthemildnessofherformercharactershewentalongwiththesilverlampofage,tothehomeofcandorandbenevolence.Herfatherreceivedhercoldand

formalpoliteness--"WherehasAmbuliniabeen,thisblusteringevening,Mrs.Valeer?"inquiredhe."Oh,sheandIhavebeentakingasolitarywalk,"saidthemother;"allthings,Ipresume,arenowworkingforthebest."

Elfonzoheardthisnewsshortlyafterithappened."What,"saidhe,"hasheavenandearthturnedagainstme?Ihavebeendisappointedtimeswithoutnumber.ShallIdespair?--mustIgiveitover?Heaven'sdecreeswillnotfade;Iwillwriteagain--Iwilltryagain;andifittraversesagoryfield,Iprayforgivenessatthealtarofjustice."

DesolateHill,Cumming,Geo.,1844.

UnconqueredandBelovedAmbulinia--Ihaveonlytimetosaytoyou,nottodespair;thyfameshallnotperish;myvisionsarebrighteningbeforeme.Thewhirlwind'srageispast,andwenowshallsubdueourenemieswithoutdoubt.OnMondaymorning,whenyourfriendsareatbreakfast,theywillnotsuspectyourdeparture,orevenmistrustmebeingintown,asithasbeenreportedadvantageouslythatIhaveleftforthewest.Youwalkcarelesslytowardtheacademygrove,whereyouwillfindmewithalightningsteed,elegantlyequippedtobearyouoffwherewe



shallbejoinedinwedlockwiththefirstconnubialrights.Failnottodothis--thinknotofthetediousrelationsofourwrongs--beinvincible.Youaloneoccupyallmyambition,andIalonewillmakeyoumyhappyspouse,withthesameunimpeachedveracity.Iremain,forever,yourdevotedfriendandadmirer,J.L.Elfonzo.

Theappointeddayusheredinundisturbedbyanyclouds;nothingdisturbedAmbulinia'ssoftbeauty.WithserenityandlovelinesssheobeystherequestofElfonzo.Themomentthefamilyseatedthemselvesatthetable--"Excusemyabsenceforashorttime,"saidshe,"whileIattendtotheplacingofthoseflowers,whichshouldhavebeendoneaweekago."Andawaysherantothesacredgrove,surroundedwithglitteringpearls,thatindicatedhercoming.Elfonzohailsherwithhissilverbowandhisgoldenharp.Theymeet--Ambulinia'scountenancebrightens--Elfonzoleadsuphiswingedsteed."Mount,"saidhe,"yetrue-hearted,yefearlesssoul--thedayisours."Shespranguponthebackoftheyoungthunderbolt,abrilliantstarsparklesuponherhead,withonehandshegraspsthereins,andwiththeothersheholdsanolivebranch."Lendthyaid,yestrongwinds,"theyexclaimed,"yemoon,yesun,andallyefairhostofheaven,witnesstheenemyconquered.""Hold,"saidElfonzo,"thydashingsteed.""Rideon,"saidAmbulinia,"thevoiceofthunderisbehindus."Andonwardtheywent,withsuch

rapiditythattheyverysoonarrivedatRuralRetreat,wheretheydismounted,andwereunitedwithallthesolemnitiesthatusuallyattendsuchdivineoperations.Theypassedthedayinthanksgivingandgreatrejoicing,andonthateveningtheyvisitedtheiruncle,wheremanyoftheirfriendsandacquaintanceshadgatheredtocongratulatetheminthefieldofuntaintedbliss.Thekindoldgentlemanmetthemintheyard:"Well,"saidhe,"IwishImaydie,Elfonzo,ifyouandAmbuliniahaven'ttiedaknotwithyourtonguethatyoucan'tuntiewithyourteeth.Butcomein,comein,nevermind,allisright--theworldstillmoveson,andnoonehasfalleninthisgreatbattle."

Happynowistherelot!Unmovedbymisfortune,theyliveamongthefairbeautiesoftheSouth.Heavenspreadstheirpeaceandfameuponthearch

oftherainbow,andsmilespropitiouslyattheirtriumph,THROUGHTHETEARSOFTHESTORM.

THECALIFORNIAN'STALE

Thirty-fiveyearsagoIwasoutprospectingontheStanislaus,tramping

alldaylongwithpickandpanandhorn,andwashingahatfulofdirthereandthere,alwaysexpectingtomakearichstrike,andneverdoingit.Itwasalovelyregion,woodsy,balmy,delicious,andhadoncebeenpopulous,longyearsbefore,butnowthepeoplehadvanishedandthecharmingparadisewasasolitude.Theywentawaywhenthesurfacediggingsgaveout.Inoneplace,whereabusylittlecitywithbanksandnewspapersandfirecompaniesandamayorandaldermenhadbeen,wasnothingbutawideexpanseofemeraldturf,withnoteventhefaintestsignthathumanlifehadeverbeenpresentthere.ThiswasdowntowardTuttletown.Inthecountryneighborhoodthereabouts,alongthedusty



roads,onefoundatintervalstheprettiestlittlecottagehomes,snugandcozy,andsocobwebbedwithvinessnowedthickwithrosesthatthedoorsandwindowswerewhollyhiddenfromsight--signthattheseweredesertedhomes,forsakenyearsagobydefeatedanddisappointedfamilieswhocouldneithersellthemnorgivethemaway.Nowandthen,halfanhourapart,onecameacrosssolitarylogcabinsoftheearliestminingdays,builtbythefirstgold-miners,thepredecessorsofthecottage-builders.Insomefewcasesthesecabinswerestilloccupied;andwhenthiswasso,youcoulddependuponitthattheoccupantwastheverypioneerwhohadbuiltthecabin;andyoucoulddependonanotherthing,too--thathewastherebecausehehadoncehadhisopportunitytogohometotheStatesrich,andhadnotdoneit;hadratherlosthiswealth,andhadtheninhishumiliationresolvedtoseverallcommunicationwithhishomerelativesandfriends,andbetothemthenceforthasonedead.RoundaboutCaliforniainthatdaywerescatteredahostoftheselivingdeadmen--pride-smittenpoorfellows,grizzledandoldatforty,whosesecretthoughtsweremadeallofregretsandlongings--regretsfortheirwastedlives,andlongingstobeoutofthestruggleanddonewithitall.

Itwasalonesomeland!Notasoundinallthosepeacefulexpansesofgrassandwoodsbutthedrowsyhumofinsects;noglimpseofmanorbeast;nothingtokeepupyourspiritsandmakeyougladtobealive.Andso,atlast,intheearlypartoftheafternoon,whenIcaughtsight

ofahumancreature,Ifeltamostgratefuluplift.Thispersonwasamanaboutforty-fiveyearsold,andhewasstandingatthegateofoneofthosecozylittlerose-cladcottagesofthesortalreadyreferredto.However,thisonehadn'tadesertedlook;ithadthelookofbeinglivedinandpettedandcaredforandlookedafter;andsohaditsfrontyard,whichwasagardenofflowers,abundant,gay,andflourishing.Iwasinvitedin,ofcourse,andrequiredtomakemyselfathome--itwasthecustomofthecountry.

Itwasdelightfultobeinsuchaplace,afterlongweeksofdailyandnightlyfamiliaritywithminers'cabins--withallwhichthisimpliesofdirtfloor,never-madebeds,tinplatesandcups,baconandbeansandblackcoffee,andnothingofornamentbutwarpicturesfromthe

Easternillustratedpaperstackedtothelogwalls.Thatwasallhard,cheerless,materialisticdesolation,butherewasanestwhichhadaspectstorestthetiredeyeandrefreshthatsomethinginone'snaturewhich,afterlongfasting,recognizes,whenconfrontedbythebelongingsofart,howsoevercheapandmodesttheymaybe,thatithasunconsciouslybeenfamishingandnowhasfoundnourishment.Icouldnothavebelievedthataragcarpetcouldfeastmeso,andsocontentme;orthattherecouldbesuchsolacetothesoulinwall-paperandframedlithographs,andbright-coloredtidiesandlamp-mats,andWindsorchairs,andvarnishedwhat-nots,withsea-shellsandbooksandchinavasesonthem,andthescoreoflittleunclassifiabletricksandtouchesthatawoman'shanddistributesaboutahome,whichoneseeswithoutknowingheseesthem,yetwouldmissinamomentiftheyweretaken

away.Thedelightthatwasinmyheartshowedinmyface,andthemansawitandwaspleased;sawitsoplainlythatheanswereditasifithadbeenspoken.

"Allherwork,"hesaid,caressingly;"shediditallherself--everybit,"andhetooktheroominwithaglancewhichwasfullofaffectionateworship.OneofthosesoftJapanesefabricswithwhichwomendrapewithcarefulnegligencetheupperpartofapicture-framewasoutofadjustment.Henoticedit,andrearrangeditwithcautiouspains,steppingbackseveraltimestogaugetheeffectbeforehegotit



tosuithim.Thenhegaveitalightfinishingpatortwowithhishand,andsaid:"Shealwaysdoesthat.Youcan'ttelljustwhatitlacks,butitdoeslacksomethinguntilyou'vedonethat--youcanseeityourselfafterit'sdone,butthatisallyouknow;youcan'tfindoutthelawofit.It'slikethefinishingpatsamothergivesthechild'shairaftershe'sgotitcombedandbrushed,Ireckon.I'veseenherfixallthesethingssomuchthatIcandothemalljustherway,thoughIdon'tknowthelawofanyofthem.Butsheknowsthelaw.Sheknowsthewhyandthehowboth;butIdon'tknowthewhy;Ionlyknowthehow."

HetookmeintoabedroomsothatImightwashmyhands;suchabedroomasIhadnotseenforyears:whitecounterpane,whitepillows,carpetedfloor,paperedwalls,pictures,dressing-table,withmirrorandpin-cushionanddaintytoiletthings;andinthecornerawash-stand,withrealchina-warebowlandpitcher,andwithsoapinachinadish,andonarackmorethanadozentowels--towelstoocleanandwhiteforoneoutofpracticetousewithoutsomevaguesenseofprofanation.Somyfacespokeagain,andheansweredwithgratifiedwords:

"Allherwork;shediditallherself--everybit.Nothingherethathasn'tfeltthetouchofherhand.Nowyouwouldthink--ButImustn'ttalksomuch."

BythistimeIwaswipingmyhandsandglancingfromdetailtodetail

oftheroom'sbelongings,asoneisapttodowhenheisinanewplace,whereeverythingheseesisacomforttohiseyeandhisspirit;andIbecameconscious,inoneofthoseunaccountableways,youknow,thattherewassomethingtheresomewherethatthemanwantedmetodiscoverformyself.Iknewitperfectly,andIknewhewastryingtohelpmebyfurtiveindicationswithhiseye,soItriedhardtogetontherighttrack,beingeagertogratifyhim.Ifailedseveraltimes,asIcouldseeoutofthecornerofmyeyewithoutbeingtold;butatlastIknewImustbelookingstraightatthething--knewitfromthepleasureissuingininvisiblewavesfromhim.Hebrokeintoahappylaugh,andrubbedhishandstogether,andcriedout:

"That'sit!You'vefoundit.Iknewyouwould.It'sherpicture."

Iwenttothelittleblack-walnutbracketonthefartherwall,anddidfindtherewhatIhadnotyetnoticed--adaguerreotype-case.Itcontainedthesweetestgirlishface,andthemostbeautiful,asitseemedtome,thatIhadeverseen.Themandranktheadmirationfrommyface,andwasfullysatisfied.

"Nineteenherlastbirthday,"hesaid,asheputthepictureback;"andthatwasthedayweweremarried.Whenyouseeher--ah,justwaittillyouseeher!"

"Whereisshe?Whenwillshebein?"

"Oh,she'sawaynow.She'sgonetoseeherpeople.Theylivefortyorfiftymilesfromhere.She'sbeengonetwoweekstoday."

"Whendoyouexpectherback?"

"ThisisWednesday.She'llbebackSaturday,intheevening--aboutnineo'clock,likely."

Ifeltasharpsenseofdisappointment.



"I'msorry,becauseI'llbegonethen,"Isaid,regretfully.

"Gone?No--whyshouldyougo?Don'tgo.She'llbedisappointed."

Shewouldbedisappointed--thatbeautifulcreature!Ifshehadsaidthewordsherselftheycouldhardlyhaveblessedmemore.Iwasfeelingadeep,stronglongingtoseeher--alongingsosupplicating,soinsistent,thatitmademeafraid.Isaidtomyself:"Iwillgostraightawayfromthisplace,formypeaceofmind'ssake."

"Yousee,shelikestohavepeoplecomeandstopwithus--peoplewhoknowthings,andcantalk--peoplelikeyou.Shedelightsinit;forsheknows--oh,sheknowsnearlyeverythingherself,andcantalk,oh,likeabird--andthebooksshereads,why,youwouldbeastonished.Don'tgo;it'sonlyalittlewhile,youknow,andshe'llbesodisappointed."

Iheardthewords,buthardlynoticedthem,Iwassodeepinmythinkingsandstrugglings.Heleftme,butIdidn'tknow.Presentlyhewasback,withthepicturecaseinhishand,andhehelditopenbeforemeandsaid:

"There,now,tellhertoherfaceyoucouldhavestayedtoseeher,andyouwouldn't."

Thatsecondglimpsebrokedownmygoodresolution.Iwouldstayandtaketherisk.Thatnightwesmokedthetranquilpipe,andtalkedtilllateaboutvariousthings,butmainlyabouther;andcertainlyIhadhadnosuchpleasantandrestfultimeformanyaday.TheThursdayfollowedandslippedcomfortablyaway.Towardtwilightabigminerfromthreemilesawaycame--oneofthegrizzled,strandedpioneers--andgaveuswarmsalutation,clothedingraveandsoberspeech.Thenhesaid:

"Ionlyjustdroppedovertoaskaboutthelittlemadam,andwhenisshecominghome.Anynewsfromher?"

"Oh,yes,aletter.Wouldyouliketohearit,Tom?"

"Well,IshouldthinkIwould,ifyoudon'tmind,Henry!"

Henrygottheletteroutofhiswallet,andsaidhewouldskipsomeoftheprivatephrases,ifwewerewilling;thenhewentonandreadthebulkofit--aloving,sedate,andaltogethercharmingandgraciouspieceofhandiwork,withapostscriptfullofaffectionateregardsandmessagestoTom,andJoe,andCharley,andotherclosefriendsandneighbors.

Asthereaderfinished,heglancedatTom,andcriedout:

"Oho,you'reatitagain!Takeyourhandsaway,andletmeseeyoureyes.YoualwaysdothatwhenIreadaletterfromher.Iwillwriteand

tellher."

"Ohno,youmustn't,Henry.I'mgettingold,youknow,andanylittledisappointmentmakesmewanttocry.Ithoughtshe'dbehereherself,andnowyou'vegotonlyaletter."

"Well,now,whatputthatinyourhead?Ithoughteverybodyknewshewasn'tcomingtillSaturday."

"Saturday!Why,cometothink,Ididknowit.Iwonderwhat'sthematter



withmelately?CertainlyIknewit.Ain'tweallgettingreadyforher?Well,Imustbegoingnow.ButI'llbeonhandwhenshecomes,oldman!"

LateFridayafternoonanothergrayveterantrampedoverfromhiscabinamileorsoaway,andsaidtheboyswantedtohavealittlegaietyandagoodtimeSaturdaynight,ifHenrythoughtshewouldn'tbetootiredafterherjourneytobekeptup.

"Tired?Shetired!Oh,heartheman!Joe,YOUknowshe'dsitupsixweekstopleaseanyoneofyou!"

WhenJoeheardthattherewasaletter,heaskedtohaveitread,andthelovingmessagesinitforhimbroketheoldfellowallup;buthesaidhewassuchanoldwreckthatTHATwouldhappentohimifsheonlyjustmentionedhisname."Lord,wemissherso!"hesaid.

SaturdayafternoonIfoundIwastakingoutmywatchprettyoften.Henrynoticedit,andsaid,withastartledlook:

"Youdon'tthinksheoughttobeheresoon,doyou?"

Ifeltcaught,andalittleembarrassed;butIlaughed,andsaiditwasahabitofminewhenIwasinastateofexpenctancy.Buthedidn'tseemquitesatisfied;andfromthattimeonhebegantoshowuneasiness.Four

timeshewalkedmeuptheroadtoapointwhencewecouldseealongdistance;andtherehewouldstand,shadinghiseyeswithhishand,andlooking.Severaltimeshesaid:

"I'mgettingworried,I'mgettingrightdownworried.Iknowshe'snotduetillaboutnineo'clock,andyetsomethingseemstobetryingtowarnmethatsomething'shappened.Youdon'tthinkanythinghashappened,doyou?"

Ibegantogetprettythoroughlyashamedofhimforhischildishness;andatlast,whenherepeatedthatimploringquestionstillanothertime,Ilostmypatienceforthemoment,andspokeprettybrutallytohim.Itseemedtoshrivelhimupandcowhim;andhelookedsowounded

andsohumbleafterthat,thatIdetestedmyselfforhavingdonethecruelandunnecessarything.AndsoIwasgladwhenCharley,anotherveteran,arrivedtowardtheedgeoftheevening,andnestleduptoHenrytoheartheletterread,andtalkedoverthepreparationsforthewelcome.Charleyfetchedoutoneheartyspeechafteranother,anddidhisbesttodriveawayhisfriend'sbodingsandapprehensions.

"AnythingHAPPENEDtoher?Henry,that'spurenonsense.Thereisn'tanythinggoingtohappentoher;justmakeyourmindeasyastothat.Whatdidthelettersay?Saidshewaswell,didn'tit?Andsaidshe'dbeherebynineo'clock,didn'tit?Didyoueverknowhertofailofherword?Why,youknowyouneverdid.Well,then,don'tyoufret;she'llBEhere,andthat'sabsolutelycertain,andassureasyouareborn.Come,

now,let'sgettodecorating--notmuchtimeleft."

PrettysoonTomandJoearrived,andthenallhandssetaboutadoringthehousewithflowers.Towardninethethreeminerssaidthatastheyhadbroughttheirinstrumentstheymightaswelltuneup,fortheboysandgirlswouldsoonbearrivingnow,andhungryforagood,old-fashionedbreak-down.Afiddle,abanjo,andaclarinet--theseweretheinstruments.Thetriotooktheirplacessidebyside,andbegantoplaysomerattlingdance-music,andbeattimewiththeirbigboots.



Itwasgettingveryclosetonine.Henrywasstandinginthedoorwithhiseyesdirecteduptheroad,hisbodyswayingtothetortureofhismentaldistress.Hehadbeenmadetodrinkhiswife'shealthandsafetyseveraltimes,andnowTomshouted:

"Allhandsstandby!Onemoredrink,andshe'shere!"

Joebroughttheglassesonawaiter,andservedtheparty.Ireachedforoneofthetworemainingglasses,butJoegrowledunderhisbreath:

"Dropthat!Taketheother."

WhichIdid.Henrywasservedlast.Hehadhardlyswallowedhisdrinkwhentheclockbegantostrike.Helistenedtillitfinished,hisfacegrowingpaleandpaler;thenhesaid:

"Boys,I'msickwithfear.Helpme--Iwanttoliedown!"

Theyhelpedhimtothesofa.Hebegantonestleanddrowse,butpresentlyspokelikeonetalkinginhissleep,andsaid:"DidIhearhorses'feet?Havetheycome?"

Oneoftheveteransanswered,closetohisear:"ItwasJimmyParishcometosaythepartygotdelayed,butthey'rerightuptheroada

piece,andcomingalong.Herhorseislame,butshe'llbehereinhalfanhour."

"Oh,I'mSOthankfulnothinghashappened!"

Hewasasleepalmostbeforethewordswereoutofhismouth.Inamomentthosehandymenhadhisclothesoff,andhadtuckedhimintohisbedinthechamberwhereIhadwashedmyhands.Theyclosedthedoorandcameback.Thentheyseemedpreparingtoleave;butIsaid:"Pleasedon'tgo,gentlemen.Shewon'tknowme;Iamastranger."

Theyglancedateachother.ThenJoesaid:

"She?Poorthing,she'sbeendeadnineteenyears!"

"Dead?"

"Thatorworse.Shewenttoseeherfolkshalfayearaftershewasmarried,andonherwayback,onaSaturdayevening,theIndianscapturedherwithinfivemilesofthisplace,andshe'sneverbeenheardofsince."

"Andhelosthismindinconsequence?"

"Neverhasbeensaneanhoursince.Butheonlygetsbadwhenthattimeofyearcomesround.Thenwebegintodropinhere,threedaysbefore

she'sdue,toencouragehimup,andaskifhe'sheardfromher,andSaturdayweallcomeandfixupthehousewithflowers,andgeteverythingreadyforadance.We'vedoneiteveryyearfornineteenyears.ThefirstSaturdaytherewastwenty-sevenofus,withoutcountingthegirls;there'sonlythreeofusnow,andthegirlsaregone.Wedrughimtosleep,orhewouldgowild;thenhe'sallrightforanotheryear--thinksshe'swithhimtillthelastthreeorfourdayscomeround;thenhebeginstolookforher,andgetsouthispooroldletter,andwecomeandaskhimtoreadittous.Lord,shewasadarling!"



AHELPLESSSITUATION

OnceortwiceayearIgetaletterofacertainpattern,apatternthatnevermateriallychanges,informandsubstance,yetIcannotgetusedtothatletter--italwaysastonishesme.Itaffectsmeasthelocomotivealwaysaffectsme:Isawtomyself,"Ihaveseenyouathousandtimes,youalwayslookthesameway,yetyouarealwaysawonder,andyouarealwaysimpossible;tocontriveyouisclearlybeyondhumangenius--youcan'texist,youdon'texist,yethereyouare!"

Ihavealetterofthatkindbyme,averyoldone.Iyearntoprintit,andwhereistheharm?Thewriterofitisdeadyearsago,nodoubt,andifIconcealhernameandaddress--herthis-worldaddress--Iamsurehershadewillnotmind.AndwithitIwishtoprinttheanswerwhichIwroteatthetimebutprobablydidnotsend.Ifitwent--whichisnotlikely--itwentintheformofacopy,forIfindtheoriginalstill

here,pigeonholedwiththesaidletter.Tothatkindoflettersweallwriteanswerswhichwedonotsend,fearingtohurtwherewehavenodesiretohurt;Ihavedoneitmanyatime,andthisisdoubtlessacaseofthesort.

THELETTER

X------,California,JUNE3,1879.

Mr.S.L.Clemens,HARTFORD,CONN.:

DearSir,--Youwilldoubtlessbesurprisedtoknowwhohaspresumedtowriteandaskafavorofyou.LetyourmemorygobacktoyourdaysintheHumboldtmines--'62-'63.Youwillremember,youandClagettandOliverandtheoldblacksmithTilloulivedinalean-towhichwashalf-wayupthegulch,andthereweresixlogcabinsinthecamp--strungprettywellseparatedupthegulchfromitsmouthatthedeserttowherethelastclaimwas,atthedivide.Thelean-toyoulivedinwastheonewithacanvasroofthatthecowfelldownthroughonenight,astoldaboutbyyouinROUGHINGIT--myuncleSimmonsremembersitverywell.Helivedintheprincipalcabin,half-wayupthedivide,alongwithDixonandParkerandSmith.Ithadtworooms,oneforkitchenandtheotherforbunks,andwastheonlyonethathad.Youandyourpartywerethere

onthegreatnight,thetimetheyhaddried-apple-pie,UncleSimmonsoftenspeaksofit.Itseemscuriousthatdried-apple-pieshouldhaveseemedsuchagreatthing,butitwas,anditshowshowfarHumboldtwasoutoftheworldanddifficulttogetto,andhowslimtheregularbilloffarewas.Sixteenyearsago--itisalongtime.Iwasalittlegirlthen,onlyfourteen.Ineversawyou,IlivedinWashoe.ButUncleSimmonsranacrossyoueverynowandthen,allduringthoseweeksthatyouandpartywerethereworkingyourclaimwhichwasliketherest.Thecampplayedoutlongandlongago,therewasn'tsilverenoughinittomakeabutton.Youneversawmyhusband,buthewasthereafteryou



left,ANDLIVEDINTHATVERYLEAN-TO,abachelorthenbutmarriedtomenow.Heoftenwishestherehadbeenaphotographerthereinthosedays,hewouldhavetakenthelean-to.HegothurtintheoldHalClaytonclaimthatwasabandonedliketheothers,puttinginablastandnotclimbingoutquickenough,thoughhescrambledthebesthecould.ItlandedhimcleardownonthetrainandhitaPiute.Forweekstheythoughthewouldnotgetoveritbuthedid,andisallright,now.Hasbeeneversince.ThisisalongintroductionbutitistheonlywayIcanmakemyselfknown.ThefavorIaskIfeelassuredyourgenerousheartwillgrant:GivemesomeadviceaboutabookIhavewritten.Idonotclaimanythingforitonlyitismostlytrueandasinterestingasmostofthebooksofthetimes.Iamunknownintheliteraryworldandyouknowwhatthatmeansunlessonehassomeoneofinfluence(likeyourself)tohelpyoubyspeakingagoodwordforyou.Iwouldliketoplacethebookonroyaltybasisplanwithanyoneyouwouldsuggest.

Thisisasecretfrommyhusbandandfamily.IintenditasasurpriseincaseIgetitpublished.

Feelingyouwilltakeaninterestinthisandifpossiblewritemealettertosomepublisher,or,betterstill,ifyoucouldseethemformeandthenletmehear.

Iappealtoyoutograntmethisfavor.WithdeepestgratitudeIthink

youforyourattention.

Oneknows,withoutinquiring,thatthetwinofthatembarrassingletterisforeverandeverflyinginthisandthatandtheotherdirectionacrossthecontinentinthemails,daily,nightly,hourly,unceasingly,unrestingly.Itgoestoeverywell-knownmerchant,andrailwayofficial,andmanufacturer,andcapitalist,andMayor,andCongressman,andGovernor,andeditor,andpublisher,andauthor,andbroker,andbanker--inaword,toeverypersonwhoissupposedtohave"influence."Italwaysfollowstheonepattern:"Youdonotknowme,BUTYOUONCEKNEWARELATIVEOFMINE,"etc.,etc.Weshouldallliketohelptheapplicants,weshouldallbegladtodoit,weshouldallliketoreturn

thesortofanswerthatisdesired,but--Well,thereisnotathingwecandothatwouldbeahelp,fornotinanyinstancedoesthatlatterevercomefromanyonewhoCANbehelped.ThestrugglerwhomyouCOULDhelpdoeshisownhelping;itwouldnotoccurtohimtoapplytoyou,stranger.Hehastalentandknowsit,andhegoesintohisfighteagerlyandwithenergyanddetermination--allalone,preferringtobealone.Thatpatheticletterwhichcomestoyoufromtheincapable,theunhelpable--howdoyouwhoarefamiliarwithitanswerit?Whatdoyoufindtosay?Youdonotwanttoinflictawound;youhuntwaystoavoidthat.Whatdoyoufind?Howdoyougetoutofyourhardplacewithacontendconscience?Doyoutrytoexplain?TheoldreplyofminetosuchalettershowsthatItriedthatonce.WasIsatisfiedwiththeresult?Possibly;andpossiblynot;probablynot;almostcertainlynot.Ihave

longagoforgottenallaboutit.But,anyway,Iappendmyeffort:

THEREPLY

IknowMr.H.,andIwillgotohim,dearmadam,ifuponreflectionyoufindyoustilldesireit.Therewillbeaconversation.Iknowtheformitwilltake.Itwillbelikethis:



MR.H.Howdoherbooksstrikeyou?

MR.CLEMENS.Iamnotacquaintedwiththem.

H.Whohasbeenherpublisher?

C.Idon'tknow.

H.SheHASone,Isuppose?

C.I--Ithinknot.

H.Ah.Youthinkthisisherfirstbook?

C.Yes--Isupposeso.Ithinkso.

H.Whatisitabout?Whatisthecharacterofit?

C.IbelieveIdonotknow.

H.Haveyouseenit?

C.Well--no,Ihaven't.

H.Ah-h.Howlonghaveyouknownher?

C.Idon'tknowher.

H.Don'tknowher?

C.No.

H.Ah-h.Howdidyoucometobeinterestedinherbook,then?

C.Well,she--shewroteandaskedmetofindapublisherforher,andmentionedyou.

H.Whyshouldsheapplytoyouinsteadofme?

C.Shewishedmetousemyinfluence.

H.Dearme,whathasINFLUENCEtodowithsuchamatter?

C.Well,Ithinkshethoughtyouwouldbemorelikelytoexamineherbookifyouwereinfluenced.

H.Why,whatwearehereFORistoexaminebooks--anybody'sbookthatcomesalong.It'sourBUSINESS.Whyshouldweturnawayabookunexaminedbecauseit'sastranger's?Itwouldbefoolish.Nopublisher

doesit.Onwhatgrounddidsherequestyourinfluence,sinceyoudonotknowher?Shemusthavethoughtyouknewherliteratureandcouldspeakforit.Isthatit?

C.No;sheknewIdidn't.

H.Well,whatthen?ShehadareasonofSOMEsortforbelievingyoucompetenttorecommendherliterature,andalsounderobligationstodoit?



C.Yes,I--Iknewheruncle.

H.KnewherUNCLE?

C.Yes.

H.Uponmyword!So,youknewheruncle;heruncleknowsherliterature;heendorsesittoyou;thechainiscomplete,nothingfurtherneeded;youaresatisfied,andtherefore--

C.NO,thatisn'tall,thereareotherties.Iknowthecabinherunclelivedin,inthemines;Iknewhispartners,too;alsoIcamenearknowingherhusbandbeforeshemarriedhim,andIDIDknowtheabandonedshaftwhereaprematureblastwentoffandhewentflyingthroughtheairandcleardowntothetrailandhitanIndianinthebackwithalmostfatalconsequences.

H.ToHIM,ortotheIndian?

C.Shedidn'tsaywhichitwas.

H.(WITHASIGH).Itcertainlybeatstheband!Youdon'tknowHER,youdon'tknowherliterature,youdon'tknowwhogothurtwhentheblastwentoff,youdon'tknowasinglethingforustobuildanestimateof

herbookupon,sofarasI--

C.Iknewheruncle.Youareforgettingheruncle.

H.Oh,whatuseisHE?Didyouknowhimlong?Howlongwasit?

C.Well,Idon'tknowthatIreallyknewhim,butImusthavemethim,anyway.Ithinkitwasthatway;youcan'ttellaboutthesethings,youknow,exceptwhentheyarerecent.

H.Recent?Whenwasallthis?

C.Sixteenyearsago.

H.Whatabasistojudgeabookupon!Asfirstyousaidyouknewhim,andnowyoudon'tknowwhetheryoudidornot.

C.Ohyes,Iknowhim;anyway,IthinkIthoughtIdid;I'mperfectlycertainofit.

H.Whatmakesyouthinkyouthoughtyouknewhim?

C.Why,shesaysIdid,herself.

H.SHEsaysso!

C.Yes,shedoes,andIDIDknowhim,too,thoughIdon'trememberitnow.

H.Come--howcanyouknowitwhenyoudon'trememberit.

C.Idon'tknow.Thatis,Idon'tknowtheprocess,butIDOknowlotsofthingsthatIdon'tremember,andrememberlotsofthingsthatIdon'tknow.It'ssowitheveryeducatedperson.

H.(AFTERAPAUSE).Isyourtimevaluable?



C.No--well,notvery.

H.Mineis.

SoIcameawaythen,becausehewaslookingtired.Overwork,Ireckon;Ineverdothat;Ihaveseentheevileffectsofit.MymotherwasalwaysafraidIwouldoverworkmyself,butIneverdid.

Dearmadam,youseehowitwouldhappenifIwentthere.Hewouldaskmethosequestions,andIwouldtrytoanswerthemtosuithim,andhewouldhuntmehereandthereandyonderandgetmeembarrassedmoreandmoreallthetime,andatlasthewouldlooktiredonaccountofoverwork,andthereitwouldendandnothingdone.IwishIcouldbeusefultoyou,but,yousee,theydonotcareforunclesoranyofthosethings;itdoesn'tmovethem,itdoesn'thavetheleasteffect,theydon'tcareforanythingbuttheliteratureitself,andtheyasgoodasdespiseinfluence.Buttheydocareforbooks,andareeagertogetthemandexaminethem,nomatterwhencetheycome,norfromwhosepen.Ifyouwillsendyourstoapublisher--anypublisher--hewillcertainlyexamineit,Icanassureyouofthat.

ATELEPHONICCONVERSATION

Considerthataconversationbytelephone--whenyouaresimplysitingbyandnottakinganypartinthatconversation--isoneofthesolemnestcuriositiesofmodernlife.YesterdayIwaswritingadeeparticleonasublimephilosophicalsubjectwhilesuchaconversationwasgoingonintheroom.Inoticethatonecanalwayswritebestwhensomebodyistalkingthroughatelephonecloseby.Well,thethingbeganinthisway.

AmemberofourhouseholdcameinandaskedmetohaveourhouseputintocommunicationwithMr.Bagley'sdowntown.Ihaveobserved,inmanycities,thatthesexalwaysshrinkfromcallingupthecentralofficethemselves.Idon'tknowwhy,buttheydo.SoItouchedthebell,andthistalkensued:

CENTRALOFFICE.(GRUFFY.)Hello!

I.IsittheCentralOffice?

C.O.Ofcourseitis.Whatdoyouwant?

I.WillyouswitchmeontotheBagleys,please?

C.O.Allright.Justkeepyoureartothetelephone.

ThenIheardK-LOOK,K-LOOK,K'LOOK--KLOOK-KLOOK-KLOOK-LOOK-LOOK!thenahorrible"gritting"ofteeth,andfinallyapipingfemalevoice:Y-e-s?(RISINGINFLECTION.)Didyouwishtospeaktome?

Withoutanswering,Ihandedthetelephonetotheapplicant,andsatdown.Thenfollowedthatqueerestofallthequeerthingsinthisworld--aconversationwithonlyoneendofit.Youhearquestionsasked;



youdon'theartheanswer.Youhearinvitationsgiven;youhearnothanksinreturn.Youhavelisteningpausesofdeadsilence,followedbyapparentlyirrelevantandunjustifiableexclamationsofgladsurpriseorsorrowordismay.Youcan'tmakeheadortailofthetalk,becauseyouneverhearanythingthatthepersonattheotherendofthewiresays.Well,Iheardthefollowingremarkableseriesofobservations,allfromtheonetongue,andallshouted--foryoucan'teverpersuadethesextospeakgentlyintoatelephone:

Yes?Why,howdidTHAThappen?

Pause.

Whatdidyousay?

Pause.

Ohno,Idon'tthinkitwas.

Pause.

NO!Ohno,Ididn'tmeanTHAT.Imeant,putitinwhileitisstillboiling--orjustbeforeitCOMEStoaboil.

Pause.

WHAT?

Pause.

Iturneditoverwithabackstitchontheselvageedge.

Pause.

Yes,Ilikethatway,too;butIthinkit'sbettertobasteitonwithValenciennesorbombazine,orsomethingofthatsort.Itgivesitsuchanair--andattractssomuchnoise.

Pause.

It'sforty-ninthDeuteronomy,sixty-forthtoninety-seventhinclusive.Ithinkweoughtalltoreaditoften.

Pause.

Perhapsso;Igenerallyuseahairpin.

Pause.

Whatdidyousay?(ASIDE.)Children,dobequiet!

Pause

OH!BFLAT!Dearme,Ithoughtyousaiditwasthecat!

Pause.

SinceWHEN?

Pause.



Why,Ineverheardofit.

Pause.

Youastoundme!Itseemsutterlyimpossible!

Pause.

WHOdid?

Pause.

Good-nessgracious!

Pause.

Well,whatISthisworldcomingto?WasitrightinCHURCH?

Pause.

AndwasherMOTHERthere?

Pause.

Why,Mrs.Bagley,Ishouldhavediedofhumiliation!WhatdidtheyDO?

Longpause.

Ican'tbeperfectlysure,becauseIhaven'tthenotesbyme;butIthinkitgoessomethinglikethis:te-rolly-loll-loll,lolllolly-loll-loll,Otolly-loll-loll-LEE-LY-LI-I-do!AndthenREPEAT,youknow.

Pause.

Yes,IthinkitISverysweet--andverysolemnandimpressive,ifyou

gettheandantinoandthepianissimoright.

Pause.

Oh,gum-drops,gum-drops!ButIneverallowthemtoeatstripedcandy.AndofcoursetheyCAN'T,tilltheygettheirteeth,anyway.

Pause.

WHAT?

Pause.

Oh,notintheleast--gorighton.He'sherewriting--itdoesn'tbotherHIM.

Pause.

Verywell,I'llcomeifIcan.(ASIDE.)Dearme,howitdoestireaperson'sarmtoholdthisthingupsolong!Iwishshe'd--

Pause.



Ohno,notatall;ILIKEtotalk--butI'mafraidI'mkeepingyoufromyouraffairs.

Pause.

Visitors?

Pause.

No,weneverusebutteronthem.

Pause.

Yes,thatisaverygoodway;butallthecook-bookssaytheyareveryunhealthywhentheyareoutofseason.AndHEdoesn'tlikethem,anyway--especiallycanned.

Pause.

Oh,Ithinkthatistoohighforthem;wehaveneverpaidoverfiftycentsabunch.

Pause.

MUSTyougo?Well,GOOD-by.

Pause.

Yes,Ithinkso.GOOD-by.

Pause.

Fouro'clock,then--I'llbeready.GOOD-by.

Pause.

Thankyoueversomuch.GOOD-by.

Pause.

Oh,notatall!--justasfresh--WHICH?Oh,I'mgladtohearyousaythat.GOOD-by.

(Hangsupthetelephoneandsays,"Oh,itDOEStireaperson'sarmso!")

Amandeliversasinglebrutal"Good-by,"andthatistheendofit.Notsowiththegentlesex--Isayitintheirpraise;theycannotabideabruptness.

EDWARDMILLSANDGEORGEBENTON:ATALE

Thesetwoweredistantlyrelatedtoeachother--seventhcousins,orsomethingofthatsort.Whilestillbabiestheybecameorphans,andwere



adoptedbytheBrants,achildlesscouple,whoquicklygrewveryfondofthem.TheBrantswerealwayssaying:"Bepure,honest,sober,industrious,andconsiderateofothers,andsuccessinlifeisassured."Thechildrenheardthisrepeatedsomethousandsoftimesbeforetheyunderstoodit;theycouldrepeatitthemselveslongbeforetheycouldsaytheLord'sPrayer;itwaspaintedoverthenurserydoor,andwasaboutthefirstthingtheylearnedtoread.ItwasdestinedtobetheunswervingruleofEdwardMills'slife.SometimestheBrantschangedthewordingalittle,andsaid:"Bepure,honest,sober,industrious,considerate,andyouwillneverlackfriends."

BabyMillswasacomforttoeverybodyabouthim.Whenhewantedcandyandcouldnothaveit,helistenedtoreason,andcontentedhimselfwithoutit.WhenBabyBentonwantedcandy,hecriedforituntilhegotit.BabyMillstookcareofhistoys;BabyBentonalwaysdestroyedhisinaverybrieftime,andthenmadehimselfsoinsistentlydisagreeablethat,inordertohavepeaceinthehouse,littleEdwardwaspersuadedtoyielduphisplay-thingstohim.

Whenthechildrenwerealittleolder,Georgiebecameaheavyexpenseinonerespect:hetooknocareofhisclothes;consequently,heshonefrequentlyinnewones,withwasnotthecasewithEddie.Theboysgrewapace.Eddiewasanincreasingcomfort,Georgieanincreasingsolicitude.Itwasalwayssufficienttosay,inanswertoEddie's

petitions,"Iwouldratheryouwouldnotdoit"--meaningswimming,skating,picnicking,berrying,circusing,andallsortsofthingswhichboysdelightin.ButNOanswerwassufficientforGeorgie;hehadtobehumoredinhisdesires,orhewouldcarrythemwithahighhand.Naturally,noboygotmoreswimmingskating,berrying,andsoforththanhe;nobodyeverhadabettertime.ThegoodBrantsdidnotallowtheboystoplayoutafternineinsummerevenings;theyweresenttobedatthathour;Eddiehonorablyremained,butGeorgieusuallyslippedoutofthewindowtowardten,andenjoyedhimselfuntilmidnight.ItseemedimpossibletobreakGeorgieofthisbadhabit,buttheBrantsmanageditatlastbyhiringhim,withapplesandmarbles,tostayin.ThegoodBrantsgavealltheirtimeandattentiontovainendeavorstoregulateGeorgie;theysaid,withgratefultearsintheireyes,thatEddieneeded

noeffortsoftheirs,hewassogood,soconsiderate,andinallwayssoperfect.

Byandbytheboyswerebigenoughtowork,sotheywereapprenticedtoatrade:Edwardwentvoluntarily;Georgewascoaxedandbribed.Edwardworkedhardandfaithfully,andceasedtobeanexpensetothegoodBrants;theypraisedhim,sodidhismaster;butGeorgeranaway,anditcostMr.Brantbothmoneyandtroubletohunthimupandgethimback.Byandbyheranawayagain--moremoneyandmoretrouble.Heranawayathirdtime--andstoleafewthingstocarrywithhim.TroubleandexpenseforMr.Brantoncemore;and,besides,itwaswiththegreatestdifficultythathesucceededinpersuadingthemastertolettheyouthgounprosecutedforthetheft.

Edwardworkedsteadilyalong,andintimebecameafullpartnerinhismaster'sbusiness.Georgedidnotimprove;hekeptthelovingheartsofhisagedbenefactorsfulloftrouble,andtheirhandsfullofinventiveactivitiestoprotecthimfromruin.Edward,asaboy,hadinterestedhimselfinSunday-schools,debatingsocieties,pennymissionaryaffairs,anti-tobaccoorganizations,anti-profanityassociations,andallsuchthings;asaman,hewasaquietbutsteadyandreliablehelperinthechurch,thetemperancesocieties,andinallmovementslookingtotheaidingandupliftingofmen.Thisexcitednoremark,attractedno



attention--foritwashis"naturalbent."

Finally,theoldpeopledied.ThewilltestifiedtheirlovingprideinEdward,andlefttheirlittlepropertytoGeorge--becausehe"neededit";whereas,"owingtoabountifulProvidence,"suchwasnotthecasewithEdward.ThepropertywaslefttoGeorgeconditionally:hemustbuyoutEdward'spartnerwithit;elseitmustgotoabenevolentorganizationcalledthePrisoner'sFriendSociety.Theoldpeopleleftaletter,inwhichtheybeggedtheirdearsonEdwardtotaketheirplaceandwatchoverGeorge,andhelpandshieldhimastheyhaddone.

Edwarddutifullyacquiesced,andGeorgebecamehispartnerinthebusiness.Hewasnotavaluablepartner:hehadbeenmeddlingwithdrinkbefore;hesoondevelopedintoaconstanttipplernow,andhisfleshandeyesshowedthefactunpleasantly.Edwardhadbeencourtingasweetandkindlyspiritedgirlforsometime.Theylovedeachotherdearly,and--ButaboutthisperiodGeorgebegantohaunthertearfullyandimploringly,andatlastshewentcryingtoEdward,andsaidherhighandholydutywasplainbeforeher--shemustnotletherownselfishdesiresinterferewithit:shemustmarry"poorGeorge"and"reformhim."Itwouldbreakherheart,sheknewitwould,andsoon;butdutywasduty.SoshemarriedGeorge,andEdward'sheartcameverynearbreaking,aswellasherown.However,Edwardrecovered,andmarriedanothergirl--averyexcellentoneshewas,too.

Childrencametobothfamilies.Marydidherhonestbesttoreformherhusband,butthecontractwastoolarge.Georgewentondrinking,andbyandbyhefelltomisusingherandthelittleonessadly.AgreatmanygoodpeoplestrovewithGeorge--theywerealwaysatit,infact--buthecalmlytooksucheffortsashisdueandtheirduty,anddidnotmendhisways.Headdedavice,presently--thatofsecretgambling.Hegotdeeplyindebt;heborrowedmoneyonthefirm'scredit,asquietlyashecould,andcarriedthissystemsofarandsosuccessfullythatonemorningthesherifftookpossessionoftheestablishment,andthetwocousinsfoundthemselvespenniless.

Timeswerehard,now,andtheygrewworse.Edwardmovedhisfamilyinto

agarret,andwalkedthestreetsdayandnight,seekingwork.Hebeggedforit,butitwasreallynottobehad.Hewasastonishedtoseehowsoonhisfacebecameunwelcome;hewasastonishedandhurttoseehowquicklytheancientinterestwhichpeoplehadhadinhimfadedoutanddisappeared.Still,heMUSTgetwork;soheswallowedhischagrin,andtoiledoninsearchofit.Atlasthegotajobofcarryingbricksupaladderinahod,andwasagratefulmaninconsequence;butafterthatNOBODYknewhimorcaredanythingabouthim.Hewasnotabletokeepuphisduesinthevariousmoralorganizationstowhichhebelonged,andhadtoendurethesharppainofseeinghimselfbroughtunderthedisgraceofsuspension.

ButthefasterEdwarddiedoutofpublicknowledgeandinterest,the

fasterGeorgeroseinthem.Hewasfoundlying,raggedanddrunk,inthegutteronemorning.AmemberoftheLadies'TemperanceRefugefishedhimout,tookhiminhand,gotupasubscriptionforhim,kepthimsoberawholeweek,thengotasituationforhim.Anaccountofitwaspublished.

Generalattentionwasthusdrawntothepoorfellow,andagreatmanypeoplecameforwardandhelpedhimtowardreformwiththeircountenanceandencouragement.Hedidnotdrinkadropfortwomonths,andmeantimewasthepetofthegood.Thenhefell--inthegutter;andtherewas



generalsorrowandlamentation.Butthenoblesisterhoodrescuedhimagain.Theycleanedhimup,theyfedhim,theylistenedtothemournfulmusicofhisrepentances,theygothimhissituationagain.Anaccountofthis,also,waspublished,andthetownwasdrownedinhappytearsoverthere-restorationofthepoorbeastandstrugglingvictimofthefatalbowl.Agrandtemperancerevivalwasgotup,andaftersomerousingspeecheshadbeenmadethechairmansaid,impressively:"Wearenotabouttocallforsigners;andIthinkthereisaspectacleinstoreforyouwhichnotmanyinthishousewillbeabletoviewwithdryeyes."Therewasaneloquentpause,andthenGeorgeBenton,escortedbyared-sasheddetachmentoftheLadiesoftheRefuge,steppedforwardupontheplatformandsignedthepledge.Theairwasrentwithapplause,andeverybodycriedforjoy.Everybodywrungthehandofthenewconvertwhenthemeetingwasover;hissalarywasenlargednextday;hewasthetalkofthetown,anditshero.Anaccountofitwaspublished.

GeorgeBentonfell,regularly,everythreemonths,butwasfaithfullyrescuedandwroughtwith,everytime,andgoodsituationswerefoundforhim.Finally,hewastakenaroundthecountrylecturing,asareformeddrunkard,andhehadgreathousesanddidanimmenseamountofgood.

Hewassopopularathome,andsotrusted--duringhissoberintervals--thathewasenabledtousethenameofaprincipalcitizen,andgetalargesumofmoneyatthebank.Amightypressurewasbrought

tobeartosavehimfromtheconsequencesofhisforgery,anditwaspartiallysuccessful--hewas"sentup"foronlytwoyears.When,attheendofayear,thetirelesseffortsofthebenevolentwerecrownedwithsuccess,andheemergedfromthepenitentiarywithapardoninhispocket,thePrisoner'sFriendSocietymethimatthedoorwithasituationandacomfortablesalary,andalltheotherbenevolentpeoplecameforwardandgavehimadvice,encouragementandhelp.EdwardMillshadonceappliedtothePrisoner'sFriendSocietyforasituation,whenindireneed,butthequestion,"Haveyoubeenaprisoner?"madebriefworkofhiscase.

Whileallthesethingsweregoingon,EdwardMillshadbeenquietlymakingheadagainstadversity.Hewasstillpoor,butwasinreceiptof

asteadyandsufficientsalary,astherespectedandtrustedcashierofabank.GeorgeBentonnevercamenearhim,andwasneverheardtoinquireabouthim.Georgegottoindulginginlongabsencesfromthetown;therewereillreportsabouthim,butnothingdefinite.

Onewinter'snightsomemaskedburglarsforcedtheirwayintothebank,andfoundEdwardMillstherealone.Theycommandedhimtorevealthe"combination,"sothattheycouldgetintothesafe.Herefused.Theythreatenedhislife.Hesaidhisemployerstrustedhim,andhecouldnotbetraitortothattrust.Hecoulddie,ifhemust,butwhilehelivedhewouldbefaithful;hewouldnotyieldupthe"combination."Theburglarskilledhim.

Thedetectiveshunteddownthecriminals;thechiefoneprovedtobeGeorgeBenton.Awidesympathywasfeltforthewidowandorphansofthedeadman,andallthenewspapersinthelandbeggedthatallthebanksinthelandwouldtestifytheirappreciationofthefidelityandheroismofthemurderedcashierbycomingforwardwithagenerouscontributionofmoneyinaidofhisfamily,nowbereftofsupport.Theresultwasamassofsolidcashamountingtoupwardoffivehundreddollars--anaverageofnearlythree-eightsofacentforeachbankintheUnion.Thecashier'sownbanktestifieditsgratitudebyendeavoringtoshow(buthumiliatinglyfailedinit)thatthepeerlessservant'saccountswere



notsquare,andthathehimselfhadknockedhisbrainsoutwithabludgeontoescapedetectionandpunishment.

GeorgeBentonwasarraignedfortrial.TheneverybodyseemedtoforgetthewidowandorphansintheirsolicitudeforpoorGeorge.Everythingthatmoneyandinfluencecoulddowasdonetosavehim,butitallfailed;hewassentencedtodeath.StraightwaytheGovernorwasbesiegedwithpetitionsforcommutationorpardon;theywerebroughtbytearfulyounggirls;bysorrowfuloldmaids;bydeputationsofpatheticwidows;byshoalsofimpressiveorphans.Butno,theGovernor--foronce--wouldnotyield.

NowGeorgeBentonexperiencedreligion.Thegladnewsflewallaround.Fromthattimeforthhiscellwasalwaysfullofgirlsandwomenandfreshflowers;allthedaylongtherewasprayer,andhymn-singing,andthanksgiving,andhomilies,andtears,withneveraninterruption,exceptanoccasionalfive-minuteintermissionforrefreshments.

Thissortofthingcontinueduptotheverygallows,andGeorgeBentonwentproudlyhome,intheblackcap,beforeawailingaudienceofthesweetestandbestthattheregioncouldproduce.Hisgravehadfreshflowersoniteveryday,forawhile,andthehead-stoneborethesewords,underahandpointingaloft:"Hehasfoughtthegoodfight."

Thebravecashier'shead-stonehasthisinscription:"Bepure,honest,sober,industrious,considerate,andyouwillnever--"

Nobodyknowswhogavetheordertoleaveitthatway,butitwassogiven.

Thecashier'sfamilyareinstringentcircumstances,now,itissaid;butnomatter;alotofappreciativepeople,whowerenotwillingthatanactsobraveandtrueashisshouldgounrewarded,havecollectedforty-twothousanddollars--andbuiltaMemorialChurchwithit.

THEFIVEBOONSOFLIFE

ChapterI

Inthemorningoflifecameagoodfairywithherbasket,andsaid:

"Herearegifts.Takeone,leavetheothers.Andbewary,chosewisely;

oh,choosewisely!foronlyoneofthemisvaluable."

Thegiftswerefive:Fame,Love,Riches,Pleasure,Death.Theyouthsaid,eagerly:

"Thereisnoneedtoconsider";andhechosePleasure.

Hewentoutintotheworldandsoughtoutthepleasuresthatyouthdelightsin.Buteachinitsturnwasshort-livedanddisappointing,vainandempty;andeach,departing,mockedhim.Intheendhesaid:



"TheseyearsIhavewasted.IfIcouldbutchooseagain,Iwouldchoosewisely."

ChapterII

Thefairyappeared,andsaid:

"Fourofthegiftsremain.Chooseoncemore;andoh,remember--timeisflying,andonlyoneofthemisprecious."

Themanconsideredlong,thenchoseLove;anddidnotmarkthetearsthatroseinthefairy'seyes.

Aftermany,manyyearsthemansatbyacoffin,inanemptyhome.Andhecommunedwithhimself,saying:"Onebyonetheyhavegoneawayandleftme;andnowshelieshere,thedearestandthelast.Desolationafterdesolationhassweptoverme;foreachhourofhappinessthetreacheroustrader,Love,assoldmeIhavepaidathousandhoursofgrief.OutofmyheartofheartsIcursehim."

ChapterIII

"Chooseagain."Itwasthefairyspeaking.

"Theyearshavetaughtyouwisdom--surelyitmustbeso.Threegiftsremain.Onlyoneofthemhasanyworth--rememberit,andchoosewarily."

Themanreflectedlong,thenchoseFame;andthefairy,sighing,wentherway.

Yearswentbyandshecameagain,andstoodbehindthemanwherehesat

solitaryinthefadingday,thinking.Andsheknewhisthought:

"Mynamefilledtheworld,anditspraiseswereoneverytongue,anditseemedwellwithmeforalittlewhile.Howlittleawhileitwas!Thencameenvy;thendetraction;thencalumny;thenhate;thenpersecution.Thenderision,whichisthebeginningoftheend.Andlastofallcamepity,whichisthefuneraloffame.Oh,thebitternessandmiseryofrenown!targetformudinitsprime,forcontemptandcompassioninitsdecay."

ChapterIV

"Choseyetagain."Itwasthefairy'svoice.

"Twogiftsremain.Anddonotdespair.Inthebeginningtherewasbutonethatwasprecious,anditisstillhere."

"Wealth--whichispower!HowblindIwas!"saidtheman."Now,atlast,lifewillbeworththeliving.Iwillspend,squander,dazzle.Thesemockersanddespiserswillcrawlinthedirtbeforeme,andIwillfeed



myhungryheartwiththeirenvy.Iwillhaveallluxuries,alljoys,allenchantmentsofthespirit,allcontentmentsofthebodythatmanholdsdear.Iwillbuy,buy,buy!deference,respect,esteem,worship--everypinchbeckgraceoflifethemarketofatrivialworldcanfurnishforth.Ihavelostmuchtime,andchosenbadlyheretofore,butletthatpass;Iwasignorantthen,andcouldbuttakeforbestwhatseemedso."

Threeshortyearswentby,andadaycamewhenthemansatshiveringinameangarret;andhewasgauntandwanandhollow-eyed,andclothedinrags;andhewasgnawingadrycrustandmumbling:

"Cursealltheworld'sgifts,formockeriesandgildedlies!Andmiscalled,everyone.Theyarenotgifts,butmerelylendings.Pleasure,Love,Fame,Riches:theyarebuttemporarydisguisesforlastingrealities--Pain,Grief,Shame,Poverty.Thefairysaidtrue;inallherstoretherewasbutonegiftwhichwasprecious,onlyonethatwasnotvalueless.HowpoorandcheapandmeanIknowthoseothersnowtobe,comparedwiththatinestimableone,thatdearandsweetandkindlyone,thatsteepsindreamlessandenduringsleepthepainsthatpersecutethebody,andtheshamesandgriefsthateatthemindandheart.Bringit!Iamweary,Iwouldrest."

ChapterV

Thefairycame,bringingagainfourofthegifts,butDeathwaswanting.Shesaid:

"Igaveittoamother'spet,alittlechild.Itwasignorant,buttrustedme,askingmetochooseforit.Youdidnotaskmetochoose."

"Oh,miserableme!Whatisleftforme?"

"Whatnotevenyouhavedeserved:thewantoninsultofOldAge."

THEFIRSTWRITING-MACHINES

FromMyUnpublishedAutobiography

Somedaysagoacorrespondentsentinanoldtypewrittensheet,fadedby

age,containingthefollowingletteroverthesignatureofMarkTwain:

"Hartford,March10,1875.

"Pleasedonotusemynameinanyway.PleasedonotevendivulgethatfactthatIownamachine.Ihaveentirelystoppedusingthetypewriter,forthereasonthatInevercouldwritealetterwithittoanybodywithoutreceivingarequestbyreturnmailthatIwouldnotonlydescribethemachine,butstatewhatprogressIhadmadeintheuseof



it,etc.,etc.Idon'tliketowriteletters,andsoIdon'twantpeopletoknowIownthiscuriosity-breedinglittlejoker."

AnotewassenttoMr.Clemensaskinghimiftheletterwasgenuineandwhetherhereallyhadatypewriteraslongagoasthat.Mr.Clemensrepliedthathisbestansweristhefollowingchapterfromhisunpublishedautobiography:

1904.VILLAQUARTO,FLORENCE,JANUARY.

Dictatingautobiographytoatypewriterisanewexperienceforme,butitgoesverywell,andisgoingtosavetimeand"language"--thekindoflanguagethatsoothesvexation.

Ihavedictatedtoatypewriterbefore--butnotautobiography.Betweenthatexperienceandthepresentonethereliesamightygap--morethanthirtyyears!Itissortoflifetime.Inthatwideintervalmuchhashappened--tothetype-machineaswellastotherestofus.Atthebeginningofthatintervalatype-machinewasacuriosity.Thepersonwhoownedonewasacuriosity,too.Butnowitistheotherwayabout:

thepersonwhoDOESN'Townoneisacuriosity.Isawatype-machineforthefirsttimein--whatyear?Isupposeitwas1873--becauseNasbywaswithmeatthetime,anditwasinBoston.Wemusthavebeenlecturing,orwecouldnothavebeeninBoston,Itakeit.Iquittedtheplatformthatseason.

Butnevermindaboutthat,itisnomatter.NasbyandIsawthemachinethroughawindow,andwentintolookatit.Thesalesmanexplainedittous,showedussamplesofitswork,andsaiditcoulddofifty-sevenwordsaminute--astatementwhichwefranklyconfessedthatwedidnotbelieve.Soheputhistype-girltowork,andwetimedherbythewatch.Sheactuallydidthefifty-seveninsixtyseconds.Wewerepartlyconvinced,butsaiditprobablycouldn'thappenagain.Butitdid.We

timedthegirloverandoveragain--withthesameresultalways:shewonout.Shedidherworkonnarrowslipsofpaper,andwepocketedthemasfastassheturnedthemout,toshowascuriosities.Thepriceofthemachinewasonehundredandtwenty-fivedollars.Iboughtone,andwewentawayverymuchexcited.

Atthehotelwegotoutourslipsandwerealittledisappointedtofindthattheycontainedthesamewords.Thegirlhadeconomizedtimeandlaborbyusingaformulawhichsheknewbyheart.However,weargued--safelyenough--thattheFIRSTtype-girlmustnaturallytakerankwiththefirstbilliard-player:neitherofthemcouldbeexpectedtogetoutofthegameanymorethanathirdorahalfofwhatwasinit.Ifthemachinesurvived--IFitsurvived--expertswouldcometothefront,

byandby,whowoulddoublethegirl'soutputwithoutadoubt.Theywoulddoonehundredwordsaminute--mytalkingspeedontheplatform.Thatscorehaslongagobeenbeaten.

AthomeIplayedwiththetoy,repeatedandrepeatingandrepeated"TheBoystoodontheBurningDeck,"untilIcouldturnthatboy'sadventureoutattherateoftwelvewordsaminute;thenIresumedthepen,forbusiness,andonlyworkedthemachinetoastonishinquiringvisitors.Theycarriedoffmanyreamsoftheboyandhisburningdeck.



ByandbyIhiredayoungwoman,anddidmyfirstdictating(letters,merely),andmylastuntilnow.Themachinedidnotdobothcapitalsandlowercase(asnow),butonlycapitals.Gothiccapitalstheywere,andsufficientlyugly.IrememberthefirstletterIdictated,itwastoEdwardBok,whowasaboythen.Iwasnotacquaintedwithhimatthattime.Hispresententerprisingspiritisnotnew--hehaditinthatearlyday.Hewasaccumulatingautographs,andwasnotcontentwithmeresignatures,hewantedawholeautographLETTER.Ifurnishedit--intype-writtencapitals,SIGNATUREANDALL.Itwaslong;itwasasermon;itcontainedadvice;alsoreproaches.IsaidwritingwasmyTRADE,mybread-and-butter;Isaiditwasnotfairtoaskamantogiveawaysamplesofhistrade;wouldheasktheblacksmithforahorseshoe?wouldheaskthedoctorforacorpse?

NowIcometoanimportantmatter--asIregardit.Intheyear'74theyoungwomancopiedaconsiderablepartofabookofmineONTHEMACHINE.InapreviouschapterofthisAutobiographyIhaveclaimedthatIwasthefirstpersonintheworldthateverhadatelephoneinthehouseforpracticalpurposes;Iwillnowclaim--untildispossess--thatIwasthefirstpersonintheworldtoAPPLYTHETYPE-MACHINETOLITERATURE.ThatbookmusthavebeenTHEADVENTURESOFTOMSAWYER.Iwrotethefirsthalfofitin'72,therestofitin'74.Mymachinisttype-copiedabookformein'74,soIconcludeditwasthatone.

Thatearlymachinewasfullofcaprices,fullofdefects--devilishones.Ithadasmanyimmoralitiesasthemachineoftodayhasvirtues.AfterayearortwoIfoundthatitwasdegradingmycharacter,soIthoughtIwouldgiveittoHowells.Hewasreluctant,forhewassuspiciousofnoveltiesandunfriendlytowardthem,andheremainssotothisday.ButIpersuadedhim.Hehadgreatconfidenceinme,andIgothimtobelievethingsaboutthemachinethatIdidnotbelievemyself.HetookithometoBoston,andmymoralsbegantoimprove,buthishaveneverrecovered.

Hekeptitsixmonths,andthenreturnedittome.Igaveitawaytwiceafterthat,butitwouldn'tstay;itcameback.ThenIgaveittoourcoachman,PatrickMcAleer,whowasverygrateful,becausehedidnotknowtheanimal,andthoughtIwastryingtomakehimwiserandbetter.

Assoonashegotwiserandbetterhetradedittoahereticforaside-saddlewhichhecouldnotuse,andtheremyknowledgeofitshistoryends.

ITALIANWITHOUTAMASTER

ItisalmostafortnightnowthatIamdomiciledinamedievalvillainthecountry,amileortwofromFlorence.Icannotspeakthelanguage;Iamtoooldnottolearnhow,alsotoobusywhenIambusy,andtooindolentwhenIamnot;whereforesomewillimaginethatIamhavingadulltimeofit.Butitisnotso.The"help"areallnatives;theytalkItaliantome,IanswerinEnglish;Idonotunderstandthem,theydonotunderstandme,consequentlynoharmisdone,andeverybodyissatisfied.Inordertobejustandfair,IthrowinanItalianwordwhenIhaveone,andthishasagoodinfluence.Igetthewordoutofthemorningpaper.Ihavetouseitwhileitisfresh,forIfindthat



Italianwordsdonotkeepinthisclimate.Theyfadetowardnight,andnextmorningtheyaregone.Butitisnomatter;Igetanewoneoutofthepaperbeforebreakfast,andthrillthedomesticswithitwhileitlasts.Ihavenodictionary,andIdonotwantone;Icanselectwordsbythesound,orbyorthographicaspect.ManyofthemhaveFrenchorGermanorEnglishlook,andthesearetheonesIenslavefortheday'sservice.Thatis,asarule.Notalways.IfIfindalearnablephrasethathasanimposinglookandwarblesmusicallyalongIdonotcaretoknowthemeaningofit;Ipayitouttothefirstapplicant,knowingthatifIpronounceitcarefullyHEwillunderstandit,andthat'senough.

Yesterday'swordwasAVANTI.ItsoundsShakespearian,andprobablymeansAvauntandquitmysight.TodayIhaveawholephrase:SONODISPIACENTISSIMO.Idonotknowwhatitmeans,butitseemstofitineverywhereandgivesatisfaction.Althoughasarulemywordsandphrasesaregoodforonedayandtrainonly,Ihaveseveralthatstaybymeallthetime,forsomeunknownreason,andthesecomeveryhandywhenIgetintoalongconversationandneedthingstofireupwithinmonotonousstretches.OneofthebestonesisDOV'`EILGATTO.Itnearlyalwaysproducesapleasantsurprise,thereforeIsaveitupforplaceswhereIwanttoexpressapplauseoradmiration.ThefourthwordhasaFrenchsound,andIthinkthephrasemeans"thattakesthecake."

DuringmyfirstweekinthedeepanddreamystillnessofthiswoodsyandfloweryplaceIwaswithoutnewsoftheoutsideworld,andwaswellcontentwithoutit.IthasbeenfourweekssinceIhadseenanewspaper,andthislackseemedtogivelifeanewcharmandgrace,andtosaturateitwithafeelingverginguponactualdelight.Thencameachangethatwastobeexpected:theappetitefornewsbegantoriseagain,afterthisinvigoratingrest.Ihadtofeedit,butIwasnotwillingtoletitmakemeitshelplessslaveagain;Ideterminedtoputitonadiet,andastrictandlimitedone.SoIexaminedanItalianpaper,withtheideaoffeedingitonthat,andonthatexclusively.Onthatexclusively,andwithouthelpofadictionary.InthiswayIshouldsurelybewellprotectedagainstoverloadingandindigestion.

Aglanceatthetelegraphicpagefilledmewithencouragement.Therewerenoscare-heads.Thatwasgood--supremelygood.Buttherewereheadings--one-linersandtwo-liners--andthatwasgoodtoo;forwithoutthese,onemustdoasonedoeswithaGermanpaper--payourprecioustimeinfindingoutwhatanarticleisabout,onlytodiscover,inmanycases,thatthereisnothinginitofinteresttoyou.Theheadlineisavaluablething.

Necessarilyweareallfondofmurders,scandals,swindles,robberies,explosions,collisions,andallsuchthings,whenweknewthepeople,andwhentheyareneighborsandfriends,butwhentheyarestrangerswedonotgetanygreatpleasureoutofthem,asarule.NowthetroublewithanAmericanpaperisthatithasnodiscrimination;itrakesthe

wholeearthforbloodandgarbage,andtheresultisthatyouaredailyoverfedandsufferasurfeit.Byhabityoustowthismuckeveryday,butyoucomebyandbytotakenovitalinterestinit--indeed,youalmostgettiredofit.Asarule,forty-nine-fiftiethsofitconcernsstrangersonly--peopleawayoffyonder,athousandmiles,twothousandmiles,tenthousandmilesfromwhereyouare.Why,whenyoucometothinkofit,whocareswhatbecomesofthosepeople?Iwouldnotgivetheassassinationofonepersonalfriendforawholemassacreofthoseothers.And,tomymind,onerelativeorneighbormixedupinascandalismoreinterestingthanawholeSodomandGomorrahofoutlandersgone



rotten.Givemethehomeproducteverytime.

Verywell.IsawataglancethattheFlorentinepaperwouldsuitme:fiveoutofsixofitsscandalsandtragedieswerelocal;theywereadventuresofone'sveryneighbors,onemightalmostsayone'sfriends.Inthematterofworldnewstherewasnottoomuch,butjustaboutenough.Isubscribed.Ihavehadnooccasiontoregretit.EverymorningIgetallthenewsIneedfortheday;sometimesfromtheheadlines,sometimesfromthetext.Ihaveneverhadtocallforadictionaryyet.Ireadthepaperwithease.OftenIdonotquiteunderstand,oftensomeofthedetailsescapeme,butnomatter,Igettheidea.Iwillcutoutapassageortwo,thenyouseehowlimpidthelanguageis:

IlritornodeiBeatid'Italia

ElargizionedelReall'Ospedaleitaliano

ThefirstlinemeansthattheItaliansovereignsarecomingback--theyhavebeentoEngland.ThesecondlineseemstomeanthattheyenlargedtheKingattheItalianhospital.Withabanquet,Isuppose.AnEnglishbanquethasthateffect.Further:

IlritornodeiSovrani

aRoma

ROMA,24,ore22,50.--ISovranielePrincipessineRealisiattendonoaRomadomanialleore15,51.

ReturnofthesovereignstoRome,yousee.Dateofthetelegram,Rome,November24,tenminutesbeforetwenty-threeo'clock.Thetelegramseemstosay,"TheSovereignsandtheRoyalChildrenexpectthemselvesatRome

tomorrowatfifty-oneminutesafterfifteeno'clock."

IdonotknowaboutItaliantime,butIjudgeitbeginsatmidnightandrunsthroughthetwenty-fourhourswithoutbreakingbulk.Inthefollowingad,thetheatersopenathalf-pasttwenty.Ifthesearenotmatinees,20.30mustmean8.30P.M.,bymyreckoning.

Spettacollideldi25

TEATRODELLAPERGOLA--(Ore20,30)--Opera.BOH`EME.TEATROALFIERI.--CompagniadrammaticaDrago--(Ore20,30)--LALEGGE.ALHAMBRA--(Ore20,30)--Spettacolovariato.SALAEDISON--Grandiosoo

spettacoloCinematografico:QUOVADIS?--InaugurazionedellaChiesaRussa--IncodaalDirettissimo--VedutediFirenzecongranmovimeno--America:Transportotronchigiganteschi--IladriincasadelDiavolo--Scenecomiche.CINEMATOGRAFO--ViaBrunelleschin.4.--Programmastraordinario,DONCHISCIOTTE--Prezzipopulari.

Thewholeofthatisintelligibletome--andsaneandrational,too--excepttheremarkabouttheInaugurationofaRussianChinese.Thatoneoversizesmyhand.Givemefivecards.



Thisisafour-pagepaper;andasitissetinlongprimerleadedandhasapageofadvertisements,thereisnoroomforthecrimes,disasters,andgeneralsweepingsoftheoutsideworld--thanksbe!TodayIfindonlyasingleimportationoftheoff-colorsort:

UnaPrincipessa

chefuggeconuncocchiere

PARIGI,24.--IlMATINhadaBerlinochelaprincipessaSchovenbare-Waldenburescomparveil9novembre.Sarebbepartitacolsuococchiere.

LaPrincipassaha27anni.

Twenty-sevenyearsold,andscomparve--scampered--onthe9thNovember.Youseebytheaddeddetailthatshedepartedwithhercoachman.IhopeSarebbehasnotmadeamistake,butIamafraidthechancesarethatshehas.SONODISPIACENTISSIMO.

Thereareseveralfires:alsoacoupleofaccidents.Thisisoneofthem:

GravedisgraziasulPonteVecchio

Stammattina,circele7,30,mentreGiuseppeSciatti,dianni55,diCasellinaeTorri,passavadalPonteVecchio,standosedutosopraunbarrocciocaricodiverdura,persel'equilibrioecaddealsuolo,rimanendoconlagambadestrasottounaruotadelveicolo.

LoSciattifusubitoraccoltodaalcunicittadini,che,permezzodella

pubblicavetturan.365,lotransportoaSanGiovannidiDio.

Iviilmedicodiguardiagliriscontrolafratturadellagambadestraealcunelieviescoriazionigiudicandologuaribilein50giornisalvocomplicazioni.

Whatitseemstosayisthis:"SeriousDisgraceontheOldOldBridge.Thismorningabout7.30,Mr.JosephSciatti,aged55,ofCasellinaandTorri,whilestandingupinasittingpostureontopofacaricobarrowofvedure(foliage?hay?vegetables?),losthisequilibriumandfellonhimself,arrivingwithhisleftlegunderoneofthewheelsofthevehicle.

"SaidSciattiwassuddenlyharvested(gatheredin?)byseveralcitizens,whobymeansofpubliccabNo.365transportedtoSt.JohnofGod."

ParagraphNo.3isalittleobscure,butIthinkitsaysthatthemedicosetthebrokenleftleg--rightenough,sincetherewasnothingthematterwiththeotherone--andthatseveralareencouragedtohopethatfiftydayswellfetchhimaroundinquitegiudicandolo-guaribileway,ifnocomplicationsintervene.



IamsureIhopesomyself.

Thereisagreatandpeculiarcharmaboutreadingnews-scrapsinalanguagewhichyouarenotacquaintedwith--thecharmthatalwaysgoeswiththemysteriousandtheuncertain.Youcanneverbeabsolutelysureofthemeaningofanythingyoureadinsuchcircumstances;youarechasinganalertandgamyriddleallthetime,andthebafflingturnsanddodgesofthepreymakethelifeofthehunt.Adictionarywouldspoilit.Sometimesasinglewordofdoubtfulpurportwillcastaveilofdreamyandgoldenuncertaintyoverawholeparagraphofcoldandpracticalcertainties,andleavesteepedinahauntingandadorablemysteryanincidentwhichhadbeenvulgarandcommonplacebutforthatbenefaction.Wouldyoubewisetodrawadictionaryonthatgraciousword?wouldyoubeproperlygrateful?

Afteracoupleofdays'restInowcomebacktomysubjectandseekacaseinpoint.Ifinditwithouttrouble,inthemorningpaper;acablegramfromChicagoandIndianabywayofParis.AllthewordssaveoneareguessablebyapersonignorantofItalian:

Revolverateinteatro

PARIGI,27.--LaPATRIEhadaChicago:

Ilguardianodelteatrodell'operadiWalace(Indiana),avendovolutoespellareunospettatorechecontinuavaafumaremalgradoildiviety,questospalleggiatodaisuoiamicitir`odiversicolpidirivoltella.Ilguardianoripose.Nacqueunascaricagenerale.Grandepanicotraglispettatori.Nessunferito.

TRANSLATION.--"RevolverationinTheater.PARIS,27TH.LAPATRIEhasfromChicago:ThecopofthetheateroftheoperaofWallace,Indiana,hadwilledtoexpelaspectatorwhichcontinuedtosmokeinspiteoftheprohibition,who,spalleggiatobyhisfriends,tire(Fr.TIRE,Anglice

PULLED)manifoldrevolver-shots;greatpanicamongthespectators.Nobodyhurt."

ItisbettablethatthatharmlesscataclysminthetheateroftheoperaofWallace,Indiana,excitednotapersoninEuropebutme,andsocameneartonotbeingworthcablingtoFlorencebywayofFrance.Butitdoesexciteme.ItexcitesmebecauseIcannotmakeout,forsure,whatitwasthatmovedthespectatortoresisttheofficer.Iwasglidingalongsmoothlyandwithoutobstructionoraccident,untilIcametothatword"spalleggiato,"thenthebottomfellout.Younoticewhatarichgloom,whatasomberandpervadingmystery,thatwordshedsalloverthewholeWallachiantragedy.Thatisthecharmofthething,thatisthedelightofit.Thisiswhereyoubegin,thisiswhereyourevel.Youcan

guessandguess,andhaveallthefunyoulike;youneednotbeafraidtherewillbeanendtoit;noneispossible,fornoamountofguessingwilleverfurnishyouameaningforthatwordthatyoucanbesureistherightone.Alltheotherwordsgiveyouhints,bytheirform,theirsound,ortheirspelling--thisonedoesn't,thisonethrowsoutnohints,thisonekeepsitssecret.Ifthereiseventheslightestslightshadowofahintanywhere,itliesintheverymeagerlysuggestivefactthat"spalleggiato"carriesourword"egg"initsstomach.Well,makethemostoutofit,andthenwhereareyouat?Youconjecturethatthespectatorwhichwassmokinginspiteoftheprohibitionandbecome



destituteoffamilyresemblances,asregardstoallfeatures,tailsincluded.ButofthesepatheticoutcastsIhavenothingtosay.Idonotapproveofthem,Idonotencouragethem;Iamprudishlydelicateandsensitive,andIdonotallowthemtobeusedinmypresence.

But,asIhavesaid,Idecidedtocatchoneoftheothersandbreakitintoharness.Oneisenough.Oncefamiliarwithitsassortmentoftails,youareimmune;afterthat,noregularverbcanconcealitsspecialtyfromyouandmakeyouthinkitisworkingthepastorthefutureortheconditionalortheunconditionalwhenitisengagedinsomeotherlineofbusiness--itstailwillgiveitaway.Ifoundoutallthesethingsbymyself,withoutateacher.

IselectedtheverbAMARE,TOLOVE.Notforanypersonalreason,forIamindifferentaboutverbs;Icarenomoreforoneverbthanforanother,andhavelittleornorespectforanyofthem;butinforeignlanguagesyoualwaysbeginwiththatone.Why,Idon'tknow.Itismerelyhabit,Isuppose;thefirstteacherchoseit,Adamwassatisfied,andtherehasn'tbeenasuccessorsincewithoriginalityenoughtostartafreshone.FortheyAREaprettylimitedlot,youwilladmitthat?Originalityisnotintheirline;theycan'tthinkupanythingnew,anythingtofreshenuptheoldmoss-growndullnessofthelanguagelessonandputlifeand"go"intoit,andcharmandgraceandpicturesqueness.

IknewImustlookafterthosedetailsmyself;thereforeIthoughtthemoutandwrotethemdown,andsetfortheFACCHINOandexplainedthemtohim,andsaidhemustarrangeaproperplant,andgettogetheragoodstockcompanyamongtheCONTADINI,anddesignthecostumes,anddistributetheparts;anddrillthetroupe,andbereadyinthreedaystobeginonthisVerbinashipshapeandworkman-likemanner.Itoldhimtoputeachgranddivisionofitunderaforeman,andeachsubdivisionunderasubordinateoftherankofsergeantorcorporalorsomethinglikethat,andtohaveadifferentuniformforeachsquad,sothatIcouldtellaPluperfectfromaCompoundFuturewithoutlookingatthebook;thewholebatterytobeunderhisownspecialandparticularcommand,withtherankofBrigadier,andItopaythefreight.

Itheninquiredintothecharacterandpossibilitiesoftheselectedverb,andwasmuchdisturbedtofindthatitwasovermysize,itbeingchamberedforfifty-sevenrounds--fifty-sevenwaysofsayingILOVEwithoutreloading;andyetnoneofthemlikelytoconvinceagirlthatwaslayingforatitle,oratitlethatwaslayingforrocks.

Itseemedtomethatwithmyinexperienceitwouldbefoolishtogointoactionwiththismitrailleuse,soIorderedittotherearandtoldthefacchinotoprovidesomethingalittlemoreprimitivetostartwith,somethinglesselaborate,somegentleold-fashionedflint-lock,smooth-bore,double-barreledthing,calculatedtocrippleattwohundredyardsandkillatforty--anarrangementsuitableforabeginnerwho

couldbesatisfiedwithmoderateresultsontheoffstartanddidnotwishtotakethewholeterritoryinthefirstcampaign.

Butinvain.Hewasnotabletomendthematter,alltheverbsbeingofthesamebuild,allGatlings,allofthesamecaliberanddelivery,fifty-seventothevolley,andfatalatamileandahalf.ButhesaidtheauxiliaryverbAVERE,TOHAVE,wasatidything,andeasytohandleinaseaway,andlesslikelytomissstaysingoingaboutthansomeoftheothers;so,uponhisrecommendationIchosethatone,andtoldhimtotakeitalongandscrapeitsbottomandbreakoutitsspinnakerand



getitreadyforbusiness.

Iwillexplainthatafacchinoisageneral-utilitydomestic.Minewasahorse-doctorinhisbetterdays,andaverygoodone.

Attheendofthreedaysthefacchino-doctor-brigadierwasready.Iwasalsoready,withastenographer.WewereinaroomcalledtheRope-Walk.Thisisaformidablylongroom,asisindicatedbyitsfacetiousname,andisagoodplaceforreviews.At9:30theF.-D.-B.tookhisplacenearmeandgavethewordofcommand;thedrumsbegantorumbleandthunder,theheadoftheforcesappearedatanupperdoor,andthe"march-past"wason.Downtheyfiled,ablazeofvariegatedcolor,eachsquadgaudyinauniformofitsownandbearingabannerinscribedwithitsverbalrankandquality:firstthePresentTenseinMediterraneanblueandoldgold,thenthePastDefiniteinscarletandblack,thentheImperfectingreenandyellow,thentheIndicativeFutureinthestarsandstripes,thentheOldRedSandstoneSubjunctiveinpurpleandsilver--andsoonandsoon,fifty-sevenprivatesandtwentycommissionedandnon-commissionedofficers;certainlyoneofthemostfieryanddazzlingandeloquentsightsIhaveeverbeheld.Icouldnotkeepbackthetears.Presently:

"Halt!"commandedtheBrigadier.

"Front--face!"

"Rightdress!"

"Standatease!"

"One--two--three.Inunison--RECITE!"

Itwasfine.Inonenoblevolumeofsoundofallthefifty-sevenHavesintheItalianlanguageburstforthinanexaltingandsplendidconfusion.Thencamecommands:

"About--face!Eyes--front!Helmalee--hardaport!Forward--march!"andthedrumsletgoagain.

WhenthelastTerminationhaddisappeared,thecommandersaidtheinstructiondrillwouldnowbegin,andaskedforsuggestions.Isaid:

"TheysayIHAVE,THOUHAST,HEHAS,andsoon,buttheydon'tsayWHAT.Itwillbebetter,andmoredefinite,iftheyhavesomethingtohave;justanobject,youknow,asomething--anythingwilldo;anythingthatwillgivethelistenerasortofpersonalaswellasgrammaticalinterestintheirjoysandcomplaints,yousee."

Hesaid:

"Itisagoodpoint.Wouldadogdo?"

IsaidIdidnotknow,butwecouldtryadogandsee.Sohesentoutanaide-de-camptogivetheordertoaddthedog.

ThesixprivatesofthePresentTensenowfiledin,inchargeofSergeantAVERE(TOHAVE),anddisplayingtheirbanner.Theyformedinlineofbattle,andrecited,oneatatime,thus:



"IOHOUNCANE,Ihaveadog."

"TUHAIUNCANE,thouhastadog."

"EGLIHAUNCANE,hehasadog."

"NOIABBIAMOUNCANE,wehaveadog."

"VOIAVETEUNCANE,youhaveadog."

"EGLINOHANNOUNCANE,theyhaveadog."

Nocommentfollowed.Theyreturnedtocamp,andIreflectedawhile.Thecommandersaid:

"Ifearyouaredisappointed."

"Yes,"Isaid;"theyaretoomonotonous,toosingsong,todead-and-alive;theyhavenoexpression,noelocution.Itisn'tnatural;itcouldneverhappeninreallife.Apersonwhohadjustacquiredadogiseitherblame'gladorblame'sorry.Heisnotonthefence.Ineversawacase.Whatthenationdoyousupposeisthematterwiththesepeople?"

Hethoughtmaybethetroublewaswiththedog.Hesaid:

"TheseareCONTADINI,youknow,andtheyhaveaprejudiceagainstdogs--thatis,againstmarimane.Marimanadogsstandguardoverpeople'svinesandolives,youknow,andareverysavage,andtherebyagriefandaninconveniencetopersonswhowantotherpeople'sthingsatnight.Inmyjudgmenttheyhavetakenthisdogforamarimana,andhavesouredonhim."

Isawthatthedogwasamistake,andnotfunctionable:wemusttrysomethingelse;something,ifpossible,thatcouldevokesentiment,interest,feeling.

"Whatiscat,inItalian?"Iasked.

"Gatto."

"Isitagentlemancat,oralady?"

"Gentlemancat."

"Howarethesepeopleasregardsthatanimal?"

"We-ll,they--they--"

"Youhesitate:thatisenough.Howaretheyaboutchickens?"

Hetiltedhiseyestowardheaveninmuteecstasy.Iunderstood.

"Whatischicken,inItalian?"Iasked.

"Pollo,PODERE."(PodereisItalianformaster.Itisatitleofcourtesy,andconveysreverenceandadmiration.)"Polloisonechickenbyitself;whenthereareenoughpresenttoconstituteaplural,itisPOLLI."



"Verywell,polliwilldo.Whichsquadisdetailedfordutynext?"

"ThePastDefinite."

"Sendoutandorderittothefront--withchickens.Andletthemunderstandthatwedon'twantanymoreofthiscoldindifference."

Hegavetheordertoanaide,adding,withahauntingtendernessinhistoneandawateringmouthinhisaspect:

"Conveytothemtheconceptionthattheseareunprotectedchickens."Heturnedtome,salutingwithhishandtohistemple,andexplained,"Itwillinflametheirinterestinthepoultry,sire."

Afewminuteselapsed.Thenthesquadmarchedinandformedup,theirfacesglowingwithenthusiasm,andthefile-leadershouted:

"EBBIPOLLI,Ihadchickens!"

"Good!"Isaid."Goon,thenext."

"AVESTPOLLI,thouhadstchickens!"

"Fine!Next!"

"EBBEPOLLI,hehadchickens!"

"Moltimoltissimo!Goon,thenext!"

"AVEMMOPOLLI,wehadchickens!"

"Basta-bastaaspettattoavanti--lastman--CHARGE!"

"EBBEROPOLLI,theyhadchickens!"

Thentheyformedinechelon,bycolumnsoffours,refusedtheleft,and

retiredingreatstyleonthedouble-quick.Iwasenchanted,andsaid:

"Now,doctor,thatissomethingLIKE!Chickensaretheticket,thereisnodoubtaboutit.Whatisthenextsquad?"

"TheImperfect."

"Howdoesitgo?"

"IOAVENA,Ihad,TUAVEVI,thouhadst,EGLIAVENA,hehad,NOIAV--"

"Wait--we'vejustHADthehads.Whatareyougivingme?"

"Butthisisanotherbreed."

"Whatdowewantofanotherbreed?Isn'tonebreedenough?HADisHAD,andyourtrickingitoutinafreshwayofspellingisn'tgoingtomakeitanyhadderthanitwasbefore;nowyouknowthatyourself."

"Butthereisadistinction--theyarenotjustthesameHads."

"Howdoyoumakeitout?"



"Well,youusethatfirstHadwhenyouarereferringtosomethingthathappenedatanamedandsharpandperfectlydefinitemoment;youusetheotherwhenthethinghappenedatavaguelydefinedtimeandinamoreprolongedandindefinitelycontinuousway."

"Why,doctor,itispurenonsense;youknowityourself.Lookhere:IfIhavehadahad,orhavewantedtohavehadahad,orwasinapositionrightthenandtheretohavehadahadthathadn'thadanychancetogoouthaddingonaccountofthisfoolishdiscriminationwhichletsoneHadgohaddinginanykindofindefinitegrammaticalweatherbutrestrictstheotheronetodefiniteanddatablemeteoricconvulsions,andkeepsitpiningaroundandwatchingthebarometerallthetime,andliabletogetsickthroughconfinementandlackofexercise,andallthatsortofthing,why--why,theinhumanityofitisenough,letalonethewantonsuperfluityanduselessnessofanysuchaloafingconsumptivehospital-birdofaHadtakinguproomandcumberingtheplacefornothing.Thesefinicalrefinementsrevoltme;itisnotright,itisnothonorable;itisconstructivenepotismtokeepinofficeaHadthatissodelicateitcan'tcomeoutwhenthewind'sinthenor'west--Iwon'thavethisdudeonthepayroll.Cancelhisexequator;andlookhere--"

"Butyoumissthepoint.Itislikethis.Yousee--"

"Nevermindexplaining,Idon'tcareanythingaboutit.SixHadsis

enoughforme;anybodythatneedstwelve,lethimsubscribe;Idon'twantanystockinaHadTrust.KnockouttheProlongedandIndefinitelyContinuous;four-fifthsofitiswater,anyway."

"ButIbegyou,podere!Itisoftenquiteindispensableincaseswhere--"

"Pipethenextsquadtotheassault!"

Butitwasnottobe;foratthatmomentthedullboomofthenoongunfloatedupoutoffar-offFlorence,followedbytheusualsoftenedjangleofchurch-bells,Florentineandsuburban,thatburstsoutinmurmurousresponse;bylabor-unionlawtheCOLAZIONE(1)muststop;stop

promptly,stopinstantly,stopdefinitely,likethechosenandbestofthebreedofHads.

1.ColazioneisItalianforacollection,ameeting,aseance,asitting.--M.T.

ABURLESQUEBIOGRAPHY

TwoorthreepersonshavingatdifferenttimesintimatedthatifIwouldwriteanautobiographytheywouldreaditwhentheygotleisure,Iyieldatlasttothisfrenziedpublicdemandandherewithtendermyhistory.

Oursisanoblehouse,andstretchesalongwaybackintoantiquity.TheearliestancestortheTwainshaveanyrecordofwasafriendofthefamilybythenameofHiggins.Thiswasintheeleventhcentury,whenourpeoplewerelivinginAberdeen,countyofCork,England.Whyitis



thatourlonglinehaseversincebornethematernalname(exceptwhenoneofthemnowandthentookaplayfulrefugeinanaliastoavertfoolishness),insteadofHiggins,isamysterywhichnoneofushaseverfeltmuchdesiretostir.Itisakindofvague,prettyromance,andweleaveitalone.Alltheoldfamiliesdothatway.

ArthourTwainwasamanofconsiderablenote--asolicitoronthehighwayinWilliamRufus'stime.AtabouttheageofthirtyhewenttooneofthosefineoldEnglishplacesofresortcalledNewgate,toseeaboutsomething,andneverreturnedagain.Whiletherehediedsuddenly.

AugustusTwainseemstohavemadesomethingofastirabouttheyear1160.Hewasasfulloffunashecouldbe,andusedtotakehisoldsaberandsharpenitup,andgetinaconvenientplaceonadarknight,andstickitthroughpeopleastheywentby,toseethemjump.Hewasabornhumorist.Buthegottogoingtoofarwithit;andthefirsttimehewasfoundstrippingoneoftheseparties,theauthoritiesremovedoneendofhim,andputituponanicehighplaceonTempleBar,whereitcouldcontemplatethepeopleandhaveagoodtime.Heneverlikedanysituationsomuchorstucktoitsolong.

Thenforthenexttwohundredyearsthefamilytreeshowsasuccessionofsoldiers--noble,high-spiritedfellows,whoalwayswentintobattlesinging,rightbehindthearmy,andalwayswentouta-whooping,right

aheadofit.

ThisisascathingrebuketoolddeadFroissart'spoorwitticismthatourfamilytreeneverhadbutonelimbtoit,andthatthatonestuckoutatrightangles,andborefruitwinterandsummer.

EarlyinthefifteenthcenturywehaveBeauTwain,called"theScholar."Hewroteabeautiful,beautifulhand.Andhecouldimitateanybody'shandsocloselythatitwasenoughtomakeapersonlaughhisheadofftoseeit.Hehadinfinitesportwithhistalent.Butbyandbyhetookacontracttobreakstoneforaroad,andtheroughnessoftheworkspoiledhishand.Still,heenjoyedlifeallthetimehewasinthestonebusiness,which,withinconsiderableintervals,wassomeforty-two

years.Infact,hediedinharness.Duringallthoselongyearshegavesuchsatisfactionthatheneverwasthroughwithonecontractaweektillthegovernmentgavehimanother.Hewasaperfectpet.Andhewasalwaysafavoritewithhisfellow-artists,andwasaconspicuousmemberoftheirbenevolentsecretsociety,calledtheChainGang.Healwaysworehishairshort,hadapreferenceforstripedclothes,anddiedlamentedbythegovernment.Hewasasorelosstohiscountry.Forhewassoregular.

SomeyearslaterwehavetheillustriousJohnMorganTwain.HecameovertothiscountrywithColumbusin1492asapassenger.Heappearstohavebeenofacrusty,uncomfortabledisposition.Hecomplainedofthefoodallthewayover,andwasalwaysthreateningtogoashoreunlessthere

wasachange.Hewantedfreshshad.Hardlyadaypassedoverhisheadthathedidnotgoidlingabouttheshipwithhisnoseintheair,sneeringaboutthecommander,andsayinghedidnotbelieveColumbusknewwherehewasgoingtoorhadeverbeentherebefore.Thememorablecryof"Landho!"thrilledeveryheartintheshipbuthis.Hegazedawhilethroughapieceofsmokedglassatthepenciledlinelyingonthedistantwater,andthensaid:"Landbehanged--it'saraft!"

Whenthisquestionablepassengercameonboardtheship,hebroughtnothingwithhimbutanoldnewspapercontainingahandkerchiefmarked



"B.G.,"onecottonsockmarked"L.W.C.,"onewoolenonemarked"D.F.,"andanight-shirtmarked"O.M.R."Andyetduringthevoyageheworriedmoreabouthis"trunk,"andgavehimselfmoreairsaboutit,thanalltherestofthepassengersputtogether.Iftheshipwas"downbythehead,"andwouldnotsteer,hewouldgoandmovehis"trunk"furtheraft,andthenwatchtheeffect.Iftheshipwas"bythestern,"hewouldsuggesttoColumbustodetailsomemento"shiftthatbaggage."Instormshehadtobegagged,becausehiswailingsabouthis"trunk"madeitimpossibleforthementoheartheorders.Themandoesnotappeartohavebeenopenlychargedwithanygravelyunbecomingthing,butitisnotedintheship'slogasa"curiouscircumstance"thatalbeithebroughthisbaggageonboardtheshipinanewspaper,hetookitashoreinfourtrunks,aqueenswarecrate,andacoupleofchampagnebaskets.Butwhenhecamebackinsinuating,inaninsolent,swaggeringway,thatsomeofthisthingsweremissing,andwasgoingtosearchtheotherpassengers'baggage,itwastoomuch,andtheythrewhimoverboard.Theywatchedlongandwonderinglyforhimtocomeup,butnotevenabubbleroseonthequietlyebbingtide.Butwhileeveryonewasmostabsorbedingazingovertheside,andtheinterestwasmomentarilyincreasing,itwasobservedwithconsternationthatthevesselwasadriftandtheanchor-cablehanginglimpfromthebow.Thenintheship'sdimmedandancientlogwefindthisquaintnote:

"Intimeitwasdiscouveredytyetroblesomepassengerhaddegonedowne

andgotyeanchor,andtokeyesameandsoldeittoyedamsauvagesfromyeinterior,sayingythehaddefoundeit,yesonneofaghun!"

Yetthisancestorhadgoodandnobleinstincts,anditiswithpridethatwecalltomindthefactthathewasthefirstwhitepersonwhoeverinterestedhimselfintheworkofelevatingandcivilizingourIndians.Hebuiltacommodiousjailandputupagallows,andtohisdyingdayheclaimedwithsatisfactionthathehadhadamorerestrainingandelevatinginfluenceontheIndiansthananyotherreformerthateverlaboredamongthem.Atthispointthechroniclebecomeslessfrankandchatty,andclosesabruptlybysayingthattheoldvoyagerwenttoseehisgallowsperformonthefirstwhitemaneverhangedinAmerica,andwhiletherereceivedinjurieswhichterminatedin

hisdeath.

Thegreat-grandsonofthe"Reformer"flourishedinsixteenhundredandsomething,andwasknowninourannalsas"theoldAdmiral,"thoughinhistoryhehadothertitles.Hewaslongincommandoffleetsofswiftvessels,wellarmedandmanned,anddidgreatserviceinhurryingupmerchantmen.Vesselswhichhefollowedandkepthiseagleeyeon,alwaysmadegoodfairtimeacrosstheocean.Butifashipstillloiteredinspiteofallhecoulddo,hisindignationwouldgrowtillhecouldcontainhimselfnolonger--andthenhewouldtakethatshiphomewherehelivedandkeepittherecarefully,expectingtheownerstocomeforit,buttheyneverdid.Andhewouldtrytogettheidlenessandslothoutofthesailorsofthatshipbycompellingthemtotakeinvigorating

exerciseandabath.Hecalledit"walkingaplank."Allthepupilslikedit.Atanyrate,theyneverfoundanyfaultwithitaftertryingit.Whentheownerswerelatecomingfortheirships,theAdmiralalwaysburnedthem,sothattheinsurancemoneyshouldnotbelost.Atlastthisfineoldtarwascutdowninthefullnessofhisyearsandhonors.Andtoherdyingday,hispoorheart-brokenwidowbelievedthatifhehadbeencutdownfifteenminutessoonerhemighthavebeenresuscitated.

CharlesHenryTwainlivedduringthelatterpartoftheseventeenth



century,andwasazealousanddistinguishedmissionary.HeconvertedsixteenthousandSouthSeaislanders,andtaughtthemthatadog-toothnecklaceandapairofspectacleswasnotenoughclothingtocometodivineservicein.Hispoorflocklovedhimvery,verydearly;andwhenhisfuneralwasover,theygotupinabody(andcameoutoftherestaurant)withtearsintheireyes,andsaying,onetoanother,thathewasagoodtendermissionary,andtheywishedtheyhadsomemoreofhim.

Pah-go-to-wah-wah-pukketekeewis(Mighty-Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye-Twain)adornedthemiddleoftheeighteenthcentury,andaidedGeneralBraddockwithallhishearttoresisttheoppressorWashington.ItwasthisancestorwhofiredseventeentimesatourWashingtonfrombehindatree.Sofarthebeautifulromanticnarrativeinthemoralstory-booksiscorrect;butwhenthatnarrativegoesontosaythatattheseventeenthroundtheawe-strickensavagesaidsolemnlythatthatmanwasbeingreservedbytheGreatSpiritforsomemightymission,andhedarednotlifthissacrilegiousrifleagainsthimagain,thenarrativeseriouslyimpairstheintegrityofhistory.Whathedidsaywas:

"Itain'tno(hic)nouse.'Atman'ssodrunkhecan'tstan'stilllongenoughforamantohithim.I(hic)Ican't'fordtofoolawayanymoream'nitiononhim."

Thatwaswhyhestoppedattheseventeenthround,anditwasagood,plain,matter-of-factreason,too,andonethateasilycommendsitselftousbytheeloquent,persuasiveflavorofprobabilitythereisaboutit.

Ialsoenjoyedthestory-booknarrative,butIfeltamarringmisgivingthateveryIndianatBraddock'sDefeatwhofiredatasoldieracoupleoftimes(twoeasilygrowstoseventeeninacentury),andmissedhim,jumpedtotheconclusionthattheGreatSpiritwasreservingthatsoldierforsomegrandmission;andsoIsomehowfearedthattheonlyreasonwhyWashington'scaseisrememberedandtheothersforgottenis,thatinhistheprophecycametrue,andinthatoftheothersitdidn't.Therearenotbooksenoughonearthtocontaintherecordofthe

propheciesIndiansandotherunauthorizedpartieshavemade;butonemaycarryinhisovercoatpocketstherecordofallthepropheciesthathavebeenfulfilled.

Iwillremarkhere,inpassing,thatcertainancestorsofminearesothoroughlywell-knowninhistorybytheiraliases,thatIhavenotfeltittobeworthwhiletodwelluponthem,orevenmentionthemintheorderoftheirbirth.AmongthesemaybementionedRichardBrinsleyTwain,aliasGuyFawkes;JohnWentworthTwain,aliasSixteen-StringJack;WilliamHogarthTwain,aliasJackSheppard;AnaniasTwain,aliasBaronMunchausen;JohnGeorgeTwain,aliasCaptainKydd;andthenthereareGeorgeFrancisTwain,TomPepper,Nebuchadnezzar,andBaalam'sAss--theyallbelongtoourfamily,buttoabranchofitsomewhat

distinctlyremovedfromthehonorabledirectline--infact,acollateralbranch,whosememberschieflydifferfromtheancientstockinthat,inordertoacquirethenotorietywehavealwaysyearnedandhungeredfor,theyhavegotintoalowwayofgoingtojailinsteadofgettinghanged.

Itisnotwell,whenwritinganautobiography,tofollowyourancestrydowntooclosetoyourowntime--itissafesttospeakonlyvaguelyofyourgreat-grandfather,andthenskipfromtheretoyourself,whichInowdo.



Iwasbornwithoutteeth--andthereRichardIII.hadtheadvantageofme;butIwasbornwithoutahumpback,likewise,andthereIhadtheadvantageofhim.Myparentswereneitherverypoornorconspicuouslyhonest.

Butnowathoughtoccurstome.Myownhistorywouldreallyseemsotamecontrastedwiththatofmyancestors,thatitissimplywisdomtoleaveitunwrittenuntilIamhanged.IfsomeotherbiographiesIhavereadhadstoppedwiththeancestryuntilalikeeventoccurred,itwouldhavebeenafelicitousthingforthereadingpublic.Howdoesitstrikeyou?

HOWTOTELLASTORY

TheHumorousStoryanAmericanDevelopment.--ItsDifferencefromComicandWittyStories

IdonotclaimthatIcantellastoryasitoughttobetold.Ionlyclaimtoknowhowastoryoughttobetold,forIhavebeenalmostdaily

inthecompanyofthemostexpertstory-tellersformanyyears.

Thereareseveralkindsofstories,butonlyonedifficultkind--thehumorous.Iwilltalkmainlyaboutthatone.ThehumorousstoryisAmerican,thecomicstoryisEnglish,thewittystoryisFrench.ThehumorousstorydependsforitseffectupontheMANNERofthetelling;thecomicstoryandthewittystoryupontheMATTER.

Thehumorousstorymaybespunouttogreatlength,andmaywanderaroundasmuchasitpleases,andarrivenowhereinparticular;butthecomicandwittystoriesmustbebriefandendwithapoint.Thehumorousstorybubblesgentlyalong,theothersburst.

Thehumorousstoryisstrictlyaworkofart--highanddelicateart--andonlyanartistcantellit;butnoartisnecessaryintellingthecomicandthewittystory;anybodycandoit.Theartoftellingahumorousstory--understand,Imeanbywordofmouth,notprint--wascreatedinAmerica,andhasremainedathome.

Thehumorousstoryistoldgravely;thetellerdoeshisbesttoconcealthefactthatheevendimlysuspectsthatthereisanythingfunnyaboutit;butthetellerofthecomicstorytellsyoubeforehandthatitisoneofthefunniestthingshehaseverheard,thentellsitwitheagerdelight,andisthefirstpersontolaughwhenhegetsthrough.Andsometimes,ifhehashadgoodsuccess,heissogladandhappythathewillrepeatthe"nub"ofitandglancearoundfromfacetoface,

collectingapplause,andthenrepeatitagain.Itisapatheticthingtosee.

Veryoften,ofcourse,theramblinganddisjointedhumorousstoryfinisheswithanub,point,snapper,orwhateveryouliketocallit.Thenthelistenermustbealert,forinmanycasesthetellerwilldivertattentionfromthatnubbydroppingitinacarefullycasualandindifferentway,withthepretensethathedoesnotknowitisanub.

ArtemusWardusedthattrickagooddeal;thenwhenthebelatedaudience



presentlycaughtthejokehewouldlookupwithinnocentsurprise,asifwonderingwhattheyhadfoundtolaughat.DanSetchelluseditbeforehim,NyeandRileyandothersuseittoday.

Butthetellerofthecomicstorydoesnotslurthenub;heshoutsitatyou--everytime.Andwhenheprintsit,inEngland,France,Germany,andItaly,heitalicizesit,putssomewhoppingexclamation-pointsafterit,andsometimesexplainsitinaparenthesis.Allofwhichisverydepressing,andmakesonewanttorenouncejokingandleadabetterlife.

Letmesetdownaninstanceofthecomicmethod,usingananecdotewhichhasbeenpopularallovertheworldfortwelveorfifteenhundredyears.Thetellertellsitinthisway:

THEWOUNDEDSOLDIER

Inthecourseofacertainbattleasoldierwhoseleghadbeenshotoffappealedtoanothersoldierwhowashurryingbytocarryhimtotherear,informinghimatthesametimeofthelosswhichhehadsustained;whereuponthegeneroussonofMars,shoulderingtheunfortunate,proceededtocarryouthisdesire.Thebulletsandcannon-ballswere

flyinginalldirections,andpresentlyoneofthelattertookthewoundedman'sheadoff--without,however,hisdelivererbeingawareofit.Innolongtimehewashailedbyanofficer,whosaid:

"Whereareyougoingwiththatcarcass?"

"Totherear,sir--he'slosthisleg!"

"Hisleg,forsooth?"respondedtheastonishedofficer;"youmeanhishead,youbooby."

Whereuponthesoldierdispossessedhimselfofhisburden,andstoodlookingdownuponitingreatperplexity.Atlengthhesaid:

"Itistrue,sir,justasyouhavesaid."Thenafterapauseheadded,"BUTHETOLDMEITWASHISLEG!!!!!"

Herethenarratorburstsintoexplosionafterexplosionofthunderoushorse-laughter,repeatingthatnubfromtimetotimethroughhisgaspingandshriekingsandsuffocatings.

Ittakesonlyaminuteandahalftotellthatinitscomic-storyform;andisn'tworththetelling,afterall.Putintothehumorous-storyformittakestenminutes,andisaboutthefunniestthingIhaveeverlistenedto--asJamesWhitcombRileytellsit.

Hetellsitinthecharacterofadull-wittedoldfarmerwhohasjusthearditforthefirsttime,thinksitisunspeakablyfunny,andistryingtorepeatittoaneighbor.Buthecan'trememberit;sohegetsallmixedupandwandershelplesslyroundandround,puttingintediousdetailsthatdon'tbelonginthetaleandonlyretardit;takingthemoutconscientiouslyandputtinginothersthatarejustasuseless;makingminormistakesnowandthenandstoppingtocorrectthemandexplainhowhecametomakethem;rememberingthingswhichheforgottoputinintheirproperplaceandgoingbacktoputtheminthere;



stoppinghisnarrativeagoodwhileinordertotrytorecallthenameofthesoldierthatwashurt,andfinallyrememberingthatthesoldier'snamewasnotmentioned,andremarkingplacidlythatthenameisofnorealimportance,anyway--better,ofcourse,ifoneknewit,butnotessential,afterall--andsoon,andsoon,andsoon.

Thetellerisinnocentandhappyandpleasedwithhimself,andhastostopeverylittlewhiletoholdhimselfinandkeepfromlaughingoutright;anddoesholdin,buthisbodyquakesinajelly-likewaywithinteriorchuckles;andattheendofthetenminutestheaudiencehavelaugheduntiltheyareexhausted,andthetearsarerunningdowntheirfaces.

Thesimplicityandinnocenceandsincerityandunconsciousnessoftheoldfarmerareperfectlysimulated,andtheresultisaperformancewhichisthoroughlycharminganddelicious.Thisisart--andfineandbeautiful,andonlyamastercancompassit;butamachinecouldtelltheotherstory.

Tostringincongruitiesandabsurditiestogetherinawanderingandsometimespurposelessway,andseeminnocentlyunawarethattheyareabsurdities,isthebasisoftheAmericanart,ifmypositioniscorrect.Anotherfeatureistheslurringofthepoint.Athirdisthedroppingofastudiedremarkapparentlywithoutknowingit,asifone

wherethinkingaloud.Thefourthandlastisthepause.

ArtemusWarddealtinnumbersthreeandfouragooddeal.Hewouldbegintotellwithgreatanimationsomethingwhichheseemedtothinkwaswonderful;thenloseconfidence,andafteranapparentlyabsent-mindedpauseaddanincongruousremarkinasoliloquizingway;andthatwastheremarkintendedtoexplodethemine--anditdid.

Forinstance,hewouldsayeagerly,excitedly,"IonceknewamaninNewZealandwhohadn'tatoothinhishead"--herehisanimationwoulddieout;asilent,reflectivepausewouldfollow,thenhewouldsaydreamily,andasiftohimself,"andyetthatmancouldbeatadrumbetterthananymanIeversaw."

Thepauseisanexceedinglyimportantfeatureinanykindofstory,andafrequentlyrecurringfeature,too.Itisadaintything,anddelicate,andalsouncertainandtreacherous;foritmustbeexactlytherightlength--nomoreandnoless--oritfailsofitspurposeandmakestrouble.Ifthepauseistooshorttheimpressivepointispassed,andtheaudiencehavehadtimetodivinethatasurpriseisintended--andthenyoucan'tsurprisethem,ofcourse.

OntheplatformIusedtotellanegroghoststorythathadapauseinfrontofthesnapperontheend,andthatpausewasthemostimportantthinginthewholestory.IfIgotittherightlengthprecisely,Icouldspringthefinishingejaculationwitheffectenoughtomakesome

impressiblegirldeliverastartledlittleyelpandjumpoutofherseat--andthatwaswhatIwasafter.Thisstorywascalled"TheGoldenArm,"andwastoldinthisfashion.Youcanpracticewithityourself--andmindyoulookoutforthepauseandgetitright.

THEGOLDENARM

Once'ponatimedeywuzamomsusmeanman,enhelive'wayoutinde



Thestirringpartofthiscelebratedcoloredman'slifeproperlybeganwithhisdeath--thatistosay,thenotablefeaturesofhisbiographybeganwiththefirsttimehedied.Hehadbeenlittleheardofuptothattime,butsincethenwehaveneverceasedtohearofhim;wehaveneverceasedtohearofhimatstated,unfailingintervals.Hiswasamostremarkablecareer,andIhavethoughtthatitshistorywouldmakeavaluableadditiontoourbiographicalliterature.Therefore,Ihavecarefullycollatedthematerialsforsuchawork,fromauthenticsources,andherepresentthemtothepublic.Ihaverigidlyexcludedfromthesepageseverythingofadoubtfulcharacter,withtheobjectinviewofintroducingmyworkintotheschoolsfortheinstructionoftheyouthofmycountry.

Thenameofthefamousbody-servantofGeneralWashingtonwasGeorge.Afterservinghisillustriousmasterfaithfullyforhalfacentury,andenjoyingthroughouthislongtermhishighregardandconfidence,itbecamehissorrowfuldutyatlasttolaythatbelovedmastertorestinhispeacefulgravebythePotomac.Tenyearsafterward--in1809--fullofyearsandhonors,hediedhimself,mournedbyallwhoknewhim.TheBostonGAZETTEofthatdatethusreferstotheevent:

George,thefavoritebody-servantofthelamentedWashington,diedinRichmond,Va.,lastTuesday,attheripeageof95years.Hisintellectwasunimpaired,andhismemorytenacious,uptowithinafewminutesofhisdecease.HewaspresentatthesecondinstallationofWashingtonasPresident,andalsoathisfuneral,anddistinctlyrememberedalltheprominentincidentsconnectedwiththosenotedevents.

Fromthisperiodwehearnomoreofthefavoritebody-servantofGeneralWashingtonuntilMay,1825,atwhichtimehediedagain.APhiladelphiapaperthusspeaksofthesadoccurrence:

AtMacon,Ga.,lastweek,acoloredmannamedGeorge,whowasthefavoritebody-servantofGeneralWashington,diedattheadvancedageof95years.Uptowithinafewhoursofhisdissolutionhewasinfullpossessionofallhisfaculties,andcoulddistinctlyrecollectthesecondinstallationofWashington,hisdeathandburial,thesurrenderofCornwallis,thebattleofTrenton,thegriefsandhardshipsofValleyForge,etc.DeceasedwasfollowedtothegravebytheentirepopulationofMacon.

OntheFourthofJuly,1830,andalsoof1834and1836,thesubjectofthissketchwasexhibitedingreatstateupontherostrumofthe

oratoroftheday,andinNovemberof1840hediedagain.TheSt.LouisREPUBLICANofthe25thofthatmonthspokeasfollows:

"ANOTHERRELICOFTHEREVOLUTIONGONE."

"George,oncethefavoritebody-servantofGeneralWashington,diedyesterdayatthehouseofMr.JohnLeavenworthinthiscity,atthevenerableageof95years.Hewasinthefullpossessionofhis



facultiesuptothehourofhisdeath,anddistinctlyrecollectedthefirstandsecondinstallationsanddeathofPresidentWashington,thesurrenderofCornwallis,thebattlesofTrentonandMonmouth,thesufferingsofthepatriotarmyatValleyForge,theproclamationoftheDeclarationofIndependence,thespeechofPatrickHenryintheVirginiaHouseofDelegates,andmanyotherold-timereminiscencesofstirringinterest.Fewwhitemendielamentedaswasthisagednegro.Thefuneralwasverylargelyattended."

DuringthenexttenorelevenyearsthesubjectofthissketchappearedatintervalsatFourth-of-Julycelebrationsinvariouspartsofthecountry,andwasexhibitedupontherostrumwithflatteringsuccess.Butinthefallof1855hediedagain.TheCaliforniapapersthusspeakoftheevent:

ANOTHEROLDHEROGONE

Died,atDutchFlat,onthe7thofMarch,George(oncetheconfidentialbody-servantofGeneralWashington),atthegreatageof95years.Hismemory,whichdidnotfailhimtillthelast,wasawonderfulstorehouseofinterestingreminiscences.Hecoulddistinctlyrecollectthe

firstandsecondinstallationsanddeathofPresidentWashington,thesurrenderofCornwallis,thebattlesofTrentonandMonmouth,andBunkerHill,theproclamationoftheDeclarationofIndependence,andBraddock'sdefeat.GeorgewasgreatlyrespectedinDutchFlat,anditisestimatedthattherewere10,000peoplepresentathisfuneral.

ThelasttimethesubjectofthissketchdiedwasinJune,1864;anduntilwelearnthecontrary,itisjusttopresumethathediedpermanentlythistime.TheMichiganpapersthusrefertothesorrowfulevent:

ANOTHERCHERISHEDREMNANTOFTHEREVOLUTIONGONE

George,acoloredman,andoncethefavoritebody-servantofGeorgeWashington,diedinDetroitlastweek,atthepatriarchalageof95years.Tothemomentofhisdeathhisintellectwasunclouded,andhecoulddistinctlyrememberthefirstandsecondinstallationsanddeathofWashington,thesurrenderofCornwallis,thebattlesofTrentonandMonmouth,andBunkerHill,theproclamationoftheDeclarationofIndependence,Braddock'sdefeat,thethrowingoveroftheteainBostonharbor,andthelandingofthePilgrims.Hediedgreatlyrespected,andwasfollowedtothegravebyavastconcourseofpeople.

Thefaithfuloldservantisgone!Weshallneverseehimmoreuntilheturnsupagain.Hehasclosedhislongandsplendidcareerofdissolution,forthepresent,andsleepspeacefully,asonlytheysleepwhohaveearnedtheirrest.Hewasinallrespectsaremarkableman.Heheldhisagebetterthananycelebritythathasfiguredinhistory;andthelongerhelivedthestrongerandlongerhismemorygrew.Ifhelivestodieagain,hewilldistinctlyrecollectthediscoveryofAmerica.

TheaboveresumeofhisbiographyIbelievetobesubstantiallycorrect,



althoughitispossiblethathemayhavediedonceortwiceinobscureplaceswheretheeventfailedofnewspapernotoriety.OnefaultIfindinallthenoticesofhisdeathIhavequoted,andthisoughttobecorrect.Inthemheuniformlyandimpartiallydiedattheageof95.Thiscouldnothavebeen.Hemighthavedonethatonce,ormaybetwice,buthecouldnothavecontinueditindefinitely.Allowingthatwhenhefirstdied,hediedattheageof95,hewas151yearsoldwhenhediedlast,in1864.Buthisagedidnotkeeppacewithhisrecollections.Whenhediedthelasttime,hedistinctlyrememberedthelandingofthePilgrims,whichtookplacein1620.Hemusthavebeenabouttwentyyearsoldwhenhewitnessedthatevent,whereforeitissafetoassertthatthebody-servantofGeneralWashingtonwasintheneighborhoodoftwohundredandsixtyorseventyyearsoldwhenhedepartedthislifefinally.

Havingwaitedaproperlengthoftime,toseeifthesubjectofhissketchhadgonefromusreliablyandirrevocably,Inowpublishhisbiographywithconfidence,andrespectfullyofferittoamourningnation.

P.S.--Iseebythepapersthatthisinfamousoldfraudhasjustdiedagain,inArkansas.Thismakessixtimesthatheisknowntohavedied,andalwaysinanewplace.ThedeathofWashington'sbody-servanthasceasedtobeanovelty;it'scharmisgone;thepeoplearetiredof

it;letitcease.Thiswell-meaningbutmisguidednegrohasnotputsixdifferentcommunitiestotheexpenseofburyinghiminstate,andhasswindledtensofthousandsofpeopleintofollowinghimtothegraveunderthedelusionthataselectandpeculiardistinctionwasbeingconferreduponthem.Lethimstayburiedforgoodnow;andletthatnewspapersuffertheseverestcensurethatshallever,inallthefuturetime,publishtotheworldthatGeneralWashington'sfavoritecoloredbody-servanthasdiedagain.

WITINSPIRATIONSOFTHE"TWO-YEAR-OLDS"

Allinfantsappeartohaveanimpertinentanddisagreeablefashionnowadaysofsaying"smart"thingsonmostoccasionsthatoffer,andespeciallyonoccasionswhentheyoughtnottobesayinganythingatall.Judgingbytheaveragepublishedspecimensofsmartsayings,therisinggenerationofchildrenarelittlebetterthanidiots.Andtheparentsmustsurelybebutlittlebetterthanthechildren,forinmostcasestheyarethepublishersofthesunburstsofinfantileimbecilitywhichdazzleusfromthepagesofourperiodicals.Imayseemtospeak

withsomeheat,nottosayasuspicionofpersonalspite;andIdoadmitthatitnettlesmetohearaboutsomanygiftedinfantsinthesedays,andrememberthatIseldomsaidanythingsmartwhenIwasachild.Itrieditonceortwice,butitwasnotpopular.Thefamilywerenotexpectingbrilliantremarksfromme,andsotheysnubbedmesometimesandspankedmetherest.ButitmakesmyfleshcreepandmybloodruncoldtothinkwhatmighthavehappenedtomeifIhaddaredtouttersomeofthesmartthingsofthisgeneration's"four-year-olds"wheremyfathercouldhearme.Tohavesimplyskinnedmealiveandconsideredhisdutyatanendwouldhaveseemedtohimcriminalleniencytowardone



Sofarfrommeetingwithagenerousencouragementlikeotherchildrenwhendevelopingintellectually,Iwasnowfuriouslyscowleduponbymyfather;mymotherlookedgrievedandanxious,andevenmyaunthadaboutheranexpressionofseemingtothinkthatmaybeIhadgonetoofar.ItookaviciousbiteoutofanIndia-rubberring,andcovertlybroketherattleoverthekitten'shead,butsaidnothing.Presentlymyfathersaid:

"Samuelisaveryexcellentname."

Isawthattroublewascoming.Nothingcouldpreventit.Ilaiddownmyrattle;overthesideofthecradleIdroppedmyuncle'ssilverwatch,theclothes-brush,thetoydog,mytinsoldier,thenutmeg-grater,andothermatterswhichIwasaccustomedtoexamine,andmeditateuponandmakepleasantnoiseswith,andbangandbatterandbreakwhenIneededwholesomeentertainment.ThenIputonmylittlefrockandmylittlebonnet,andtookmypygmyshoesinonehandandmylicoriceintheother,andclimbedoutonthefloor.Isaidtomyself,Now,iftheworsecomestoworst,Iamready.ThenIsaidaloud,inafirmvoice:

"Father,Icannot,cannotwearthenameofSamuel."

"Myson!"

"Father,Imeanit.Icannot."

"Why?"

"Father,Ihaveaninvincibleantipathytothatname."

"Myson,thisisunreasonable.ManygreatandgoodmenhavebeennamedSamuel."

"Sir,Ihaveyettohearofthefirstinstance."

"What!TherewasSamueltheprophet.Wasnothegreatandgood?"

"Notsovery."

"Myson!WithHisownvoicetheLordcalledhim."

"Yes,sir,andhadtocallhimacoupletimesbeforehecouldcome!"

AndthenIsalliedforth,andthatsternoldmansalliedforthafterme.Heovertookmeatnoonthefollowingday,andwhentheinterviewwasoverIhadacquiredthenameofSamuel,andathrashing,andotherusefulinformation;andbymeansofthiscompromisemyfather'swrathwasappeasedandamisunderstandingbridgedoverwhichmighthavebecomeapermanentruptureifIhadchosentobeunreasonable.Butjustjudgingbythisepisode,whatwouldmyfatherhavedonetomeifIhad

everutteredinhishearingoneoftheflat,sicklythingsthese"two-years-olds"sayinprintnowadays?Inmyopiniontherewouldhavebeenacaseofinfanticideinourfamily.

ANENTERTAININGARTICLE



ItakethefollowingparagraphfromanarticleintheBostonADVERTISER:

ANENGLISHCRITICONMARKTWAIN

PerhapsthemostsuccessfulflightsofhumorofMarkTwainhavebeendescriptionsofthepersonswhodidnotappreciatehishumoratall.WehavebecomefamiliarwiththeCalifornianswhowerethrilledwithterrorbyhisburlesqueofanewspaperreporter'swayoftellingastory,andwehaveheardofthePennsylvaniaclergymanwhosadlyreturnedhisINNOCENTSABROADtothebook-agentwiththeremarkthat"themanwhocouldshedtearsoverthetombofAdammustbeanidiot."ButMarkTwainmaynowaddamuchmoregloriousinstancetohisstringoftrophies.TheSATURDAYREVIEW,initsnumberofOctober8th,reviewshisbookoftravels,whichhasbeenrepublishedinEngland,andreviewsitseriously.Wecanimaginethedelightofthehumoristinreadingthistributetohispower;andindeeditissoamusinginitselfthathecanhardlydobetterthanreproducethearticleinfullinhisnextmonthlyMemoranda.

(Publishingtheaboveparagraphthus,givesmeasortofauthorityforreproducingtheSATURDAYREVIEW'Sarticleinfullinthesepages.Idearlywantedtodoit,forIcannotwriteanythinghalfsodeliciousmyself.IfIhadacast-irondogthatcouldreadthisEnglishcriticismandpreservehisausterity,Iwoulddrivehimoffthedoor-step.)

(FromtheLondon"SaturdayReview.")

REVIEWSOFNEWBOOKS

THEINNOCENTSABROAD.ABookofTravels.ByMarkTwain.London:Hotten,publisher.1870.

LordMacaulaydiedtoosoon.Weneverfeltthissodeeplyaswhenwefinishedthelastchapteroftheabove-namedextravagantwork.Macaulaydiedtoosoon--fornonebuthecouldmeteoutcompleteandcomprehensivejusticetotheinsolence,theimpertinence,thepresumption,themendacity,and,aboveall,themajesticignoranceofthisauthor.

TosaythattheINNOCENTSABROADisacuriousbook,wouldbetousethefaintestlanguage--wouldbetospeakoftheMatterhornasaneat

elevationorofNiagaraasbeing"nice"or"pretty.""Curious"istootameawordwherewithtodescribetheimposinginsanityofthiswork.Thereisnowordthatislargeenoughorlongenough.Letus,therefore,photographapassingglimpseofbookandauthor,andtrusttheresttothereader.LetthecultivatedEnglishstudentofhumannaturepicturetohimselfthisMarkTwainasapersoncapableofdoingthefollowing-describedthings--andnotonlydoingthem,butwithincredibleinnocencePRINTINGTHEMcalmlyandtranquillyinabook.Forinstance:

Hestatesthatheenteredahair-dresser'sinParistogetshaved,and



thefirst"rake"thebarbergavehimwithhisrazoritLOOSENEDHIS"HIDE"andLIFTEDHIMOUTOFTHECHAIR.

Thisisunquestionablyexaggerated.InFlorencehewassoannoyedbybeggarsthathepretendstohaveseizedandeatenoneinafranticspiritofrevenge.Thereis,ofcourse,notruthinthis.Hegivesatfulllengthatheatricalprogramseventeenoreighteenhundredyearsold,whichheprofessestohavefoundintheruinsoftheColiseum,amongthedirtandmoldandrubbish.Itisasufficientcommentuponthisstatementtoremarkthatevenacast-ironprogramwouldnothavelastedsolongundersuchcircumstances.InGreeceheplainlybetraysbothfrightandflightupononeoccasion,butwithfrozeneffronteryputsthelatterinthisfalselytamedform:"WeSIDLEDtowardthePiraeus.""Sidled,"indeed!HedoesnothesitatetointimatethatatEphesus,whenhismulestrayedfromthepropercourse,hegotdown,tookhimunderhisarm,carriedhimtotheroadagain,pointedhimright,remounted,andwenttosleepcontentedlytillitwastimetorestorethebeasttothepathoncemore.Hestatesthatagrowingyouthamonghisship'spassengerswasintheconstanthabitofappeasinghishungerwithsoapandoakumbetweenmeals.InPalestinehetellsofantsthatcameelevenmilestospendthesummerinthedesertandbroughttheirprovisionswiththem;yetheshowsbyhisdescriptionofthecountrythatthefeatwasanimpossibility.Hementions,asifitwerethemostcommonplaceofmatters,thathecutaMoslemintwoinbroaddaylight

inJerusalem,withGodfreydeBouillon'ssword,andwouldhaveshedmorebloodIFHEHADHADAGRAVEYARDOFHISOWN.Thesestatementsareunworthyamoment'sattention.Mr.TwainoranyotherforeignerwhodidsuchathinginJerusalemwouldbemobbed,andwouldinfalliblylosehislife.Butwhygoon?Whyrepeatmoreofhisaudaciousandexasperatingfalsehoods?Letusclosefittinglywiththisone:heaffirmsthat"inthemosqueofSt.SophiaatConstantinopleIgotmyfeetsostuckupwithacomplicationofgums,slime,andgeneralimpurity,thatIworeoutmorethantwothousandpairofbootjacksgettingmybootsoffthatnight,andeventhensomeChristianhidepeeledoffwiththem."Itismonstrous.Suchstatementsaresimplylies--thereisnoothernameforthem.WillthereaderlongermarvelatthebrutalignorancethatpervadestheAmericannationwhenwetellhimthatweareinformed

uponperfectlygoodauthoritythatthisextravagantcompilationoffalsehoods,thisexhaustlessmineofstupendouslies,thisINNOCENTSABROAD,hasactuallybeenadoptedbytheschoolsandcollegesofseveralofthestatesasatext-book!

Butifhisfalsehoodsaredistressing,hisinnocenceandhisignoranceareenoughtomakeoneburnthebookanddespisetheauthor.Inoneplacehewassoappalledatthesuddenspectacleofamurderedman,unveiledbythemoonlight,thathejumpedoutofthewindow,goingthroughsashandall,andthenremarkswiththemostchildlikesimplicitythathe"wasnotscared,butwasconsiderablyagitated."ItputsusoutofpatiencetonotethatthesimpletonisdenselyunconsciousthatLucreziaBorgiaeverexistedoffthestage.Heis

vulgarlyignorantofallforeignlanguages,butisfrankenoughtocriticize,theItalians'useoftheirowntongue.Hesaystheyspellthenameoftheirgreatpainter"Vinci,butpronounceitVinchy"--andthenaddswithanaivetepossibleonlytohelplessignorance,"foreignersalwaysspellbetterthantheypronounce."Inanotherplacehecommitsthebaldabsurdityofputtingthephrase"tareanouns"intoanItalian'smouth.InRomeheunhesitatinglybelievesthelegendthatSt.PhilipNeri'sheartwassoinflamedwithdivinelovethatitbursthisribs--believesitwhollybecauseanauthorwithalearnedlistofuniversitydegreesstrungafterhisnameendorsesit--"otherwise,"says



thisgentleidiot,"IshouldhavefeltacuriositytoknowwhatPhiliphadfordinner."Ourauthormakesalong,fatiguingjourneytotheGrottodelCaneonpurposetotestitspoisoningpowersonadog--gotelaboratelyreadyfortheexperiment,andthendiscoveredthathehadnodog.Awiserpersonwouldhavekeptsuchathingdiscreetlytohimself,butwiththisharmlesscreatureeverythingcomesout.HehurtshisfootinaruttwothousandyearsoldinexhumedPompeii,andpresently,whenstaringatoneofthecinder-likecorpsesunearthedinthenextsquare,conceivestheideathatmaybeitistheremainsoftheancientStreetCommissioner,andstraightwayhishorrorsoftensdowntoasortofchirpycontentmentwiththeconditionofthings.InDamascushevisitsthewellofAnanias,threethousandyearsold,andisassurprisedanddelightedasachildtofindthatthewateris"aspureandfreshasifthewellhadbeendugyesterday."IntheHolyLandhegagsdesperatelyatthehardArabicandHebrewBiblicalnames,andfinallyconcludestocallthemBaldwinsville,Williamsburgh,andsoon,"forconvenienceofspelling."

Wehavethusspokenfreelyofthisman'sstupefyingsimplicityandinnocence,butwecannotdealsimilarlywithhiscolossalignorance.Wedonotknowwheretobegin.Andifweknewwheretobegin,wecertainlywouldnotknowwheretoleaveoff.Wewillgiveonespecimen,andoneonly.Hedidnotknow,untilhegottoRome,thatMichaelAngelowasdead!Andthen,insteadofcrawlingawayandhidinghisshameful

ignorancesomewhere,heproceedstoexpressapious,gratefulsortofsatisfactionthatheisgoneandoutofhistroubles!

No,thereadermayseekouttheauthor'sexhibitionofhisuncultivationforhimself.Thebookisabsolutelydangerous,consideringthemagnitudeandvarietyofitsmisstatements,andtheconvincingconfidencewithwhichtheyaremade.Andyetitisatext-bookintheschoolsofAmerica.

ThepoorblunderermousesamongthesublimecreationsoftheOldMasters,tryingtoacquiretheelegantproficiencyinart-knowledge,whichhehasagropingsortofcomprehensionisaproperthingforatraveledmantobeabletodisplay.Butwhatisthemannerofhisstudy?

Andwhatistheprogressheachieves?TowhatextentdoeshefamiliarizehimselfwiththegreatpicturesofItaly,andwhatdegreeofappreciationdoeshearriveat?Read:

"Whenweseeamonkgoingaboutwithalionandlookingupintoheaven,weknowthatthatisSt.Mark.Whenweseeamonkwithabookandapen,lookingtranquillyuptoheaven,tryingtothinkofaword,weknowthatthatisSt.Matthew.Whenweseeamonksittingonarock,lookingtranquillyuptoheaven,withahumanskullbesidehim,andwithoutotherbaggage,weknowthatthatisSt.Jerome.Becauseweknowthathealwayswentflyinglightinthematterofbaggage.Whenweseeothermonkslookingtranquillyuptoheaven,buthavingnotrade-mark,wealwaysaskwhothosepartiesare.Wedothisbecausewehumblywishto

learn."

Hethenenumeratesthethousandsandthousandofcopiesoftheseseveralpictureswhichhehasseen,andaddswithaccustomedsimplicitythathefeelsencouragedtobelievethatwhenhehasseen"SomeMore"ofeach,andhadalargerexperience,hewilleventually"begintotakeanabsorbinginterestinthem"--thevulgarboor.

Thatwehaveshownthistobearemarkablebook,wethinknoonewilldeny.Thatisaperniciousbooktoplaceinthehandsoftheconfiding



anduniformed,wethinkwehavealsoshown.Thatthebookisadeliberateandwickedcreationofadiseasedmind,isapparentuponeverypage.Havingplacedourjudgmentthusuponrecord,letusclosewithwhatcharitywecan,byremarkingthateveninthisvolumethereissomegoodtobefound;forwhenevertheauthortalksofhisowncountryandletsEuropealone,heneverfailstomakehimselfinteresting,andnotonlyinterestingbutinstructive.Noonecanreadwithoutbenefithisoccasionalchaptersandparagraphs,aboutlifeinthegoldandsilverminesofCaliforniaandNevada;abouttheIndiansoftheplainsanddesertsoftheWest,andtheircannibalism;abouttheraisingofvegetablesinkegsofgunpowderbytheaidoftwoorthreeteaspoonsofguano;aboutthemovingofsmallarmsfromplacetoplaceatnightinwheelbarrowstoavoidtaxes;andaboutasortofcowsandmulesintheHumboldtmines,thatclimbdownchimneysanddisturbthepeopleatnight.Thesemattersarenotonlynew,butarewellworthknowing.Itisapitytheauthordidnotputinmoreofthesamekind.Hisbookiswellwrittenandisexceedinglyentertaining,andsoitjustbarelyescapedbeingquitevaluablealso.

(Onemonthlater)

LatterlyIhavereceivedseveralletters,andseeanumberofnewspaper

paragraphs,alluponacertainsubject,andallofaboutthesametenor.Iheregivehonestspecimens.OneisfromaNewYorkpaper,oneisfromaletterfromanoldfriend,andoneisfromaletterfromaNewYorkpublisherwhoisastrangertome.Ihumblyendeavortomakethesebitstoothsomewiththeremarkthatthearticletheyarepraising(whichappearedintheDecemberGALAXY,andPRETENDEDtobeacriticismfromtheLondonSATURDAYREVIEWonmyINNOCENTSABROAD)WASWRITTENBYMYSELF,EVERYLINEOFIT:

TheHERALDsaystherichestthingoutisthe"seriouscritique"intheLondonSATURDAYREVIEW,onMarkTwain'sINNOCENTSABROAD.Wethoughtbeforewereaditthatitmustbe"serious,"aseverybodysaidso,and

wereevenreadytoshedafewtears;butsinceperusingit,weareboundtoconfessthatnexttoMarkTwain's"JumpingFrog"it'sthefinestbitofhumorandsarcasmthatwe'vecomeacrossinmanyaday.

(Idonotgetacomplimentlikethateveryday.)

Iusedtothinkthatyourwritingswereprettygood,butafterreadingthecriticisminTHEGALAXYfromtheLONDONREVIEW,havediscoveredwhatanassImusthavebeen.Ifsuggestionsareinorder,mineis,thatyouputthatarticleinyournexteditionoftheINNOCENTS,asanextrachapter,ifyouarenotafraidtoputyourownhumorincompetitionwith

it.ItisasrichathingasIeverread.

(Whichisstrongcommendationfromabookpublisher.)

TheLondonReviewer,myfriend,isnotthestupid,"serious"creaturehepretendstobe,Ithink;but,onthecontrary,hasakeepappreciationandenjoymentofyourbook.AsIreadhisarticleinTHEGALAXY,Icouldimaginehimgivingventtomanyaheartylaugh.Butheiswritingfor



CatholicsandEstablishedChurchpeople,andhigh-toned,antiquated,conservativegentility,whomitisadelighttohimtohelpyoushock,whilehepretendstoshakehisheadwithowlishdensity.Heisamagnificenthumoristhimself.

(Nowthatisgracefulandhandsome.Itakeoffmyhattomylife-longfriendandcomrade,andwithmyfeettogetherandmyfingersspreadovermyheart,Isay,inthelanguageofAlabama,"Youdomeproud.")

Istandguiltyoftheauthorshipofthearticle,butIdidnotmeananyharm.IsawbyanitemintheBostonADVERTISERthatasolemn,seriouscritiqueontheEnglisheditionofmybookhadappearedintheLondonSATURDAYREVIEW,andtheideaofSUCHaliterarybreakfastbyastolid,ponderousBritishogreofthequillwastoomuchforanaturallyweakvirtue,andIwenthomeandburlesquedit--reveledinit,Imaysay.IneversawacopyoftherealSATURDAYREVIEWcriticismuntilaftermyburlesquewaswrittenandmailedtotheprinter.ButwhenIdidgetholdofacopy,Ifoundittobevulgar,awkwardlywritten,ill-natured,andentirelyseriousandinearnest.Thegentlemanwhowrotethenewspaperparagraphabovequotedhadnotbeenmisledastoitscharacter.

Ifanymandoubtsmywordnow,Iwillkillhim.No,Iwillnotkillhim;Iwillwinhismoney.Iwillbethimtwentytoone,andletanyNewYork

publisherholdthestakes,thatthestatementsIhaveabovemadeastotheauthorshipofthearticleinquestionareentirelytrue.PerhapsImaygetwealthyatthis,forIamwillingtotakeallthebetsthatoffer;andifamanwantslargerodds,Iwillgivehimallherequires.ButheoughttofindoutwhetherIambettingonwhatistermed"asurething"ornotbeforeheventureshismoney,andhecandothatbygoingtoapubliclibraryandexaminingtheLondonSATURDAYREVIEWofOctober8th,whichcontainstherealcritique.

Blessme,somepeoplethoughtthatIwasthe"sold"person!

P.S.--Icannotresistthetemptationtotossinthismostsavorything

ofall--thiseasy,graceful,philosophicaldisquisition,withhishappy,chirpingconfidence.ItisfromtheCincinnatiENQUIRER:

Nothingismoreuncertainthanthevalueofafinecigar.Ninesmokersoutoftenwouldpreferanordinarydomesticarticle,threeforaquarter,tofifty-centPartaga,ifkeptinignoranceofthecostofthelatter.TheflavorofthePartagaistoodelicateforpalatesthathavebeenaccustomedtoConnecticutseedleaf.Soitiswithhumor.Thefineritisinquality,themoredangerofitsnotbeingrecognizedatall.EvenMarkTwainhasbeentakeninbyanEnglishreviewofhisINNOCENTSABROAD.MarkTwainisbynomeansacoarsehumorist,buttheEnglishman'shumorissomuchfinerthanhis,thathemistakesitfor

solidearnest,and"laftsmostconsumedly."

Amanwhocannotlearnstandsinhisownlight.Hereafter,whenIwriteanarticlewhichIknowtobegood,butwhichImayhavereasontofearwillnot,insomequarters,beconsideredtoamounttomuch,comingfromanAmerican,IwillaverthatanEnglishmanwroteitandthatitiscopiedfromaLondonjournal.AndthenIwilloccupyabackseatandenjoythecordialapplause.



(Stilllater)

MarkTwainatlastseesthattheSATURDAYREVIEW'ScriticismofhisINNOCENTSABROADwasnotserious,andheisintenselymortifiedatthethoughtofhavingbeensobadlysold.Hetakestheonlycourselefthim,andinthelastGALAXYclaimsthatHEwrotethecriticismhimself,andpublisheditinTHEGALAXYtosellthepublic.Thisisingenious,butunfortunatelyitisnottrue.IfanyofourreaderswilltakethetroubletocallatthisofficewesillshowthemtheoriginalarticleintheSATURDAYREVIEWofOctober8th,which,oncomparison,willbefoundtobeidenticalwiththeonepublishedinTHEGALAXY.ThebestthingforMarktodowillbetoadmitthathewassold,andsaynomoreaboutit.

TheaboveisfromtheCincinnatiENQUIRER,andisafalsehood.Cometotheproof.IftheENQUIRERpeople,throughanyagent,willproduceatTHEGALAXYofficeaLondonSATURDAYREVIEWofOctober8th,containinganarticlewhich,oncomparison,willbefoundtobeidenticalwiththeonepublishedinTHEGALAXY,Iwillpaytothatagentfivehundreddollarscash.Moreover,ifatanyspecifiedtimeIfailtoproduceatthesameplaceacopyoftheLondonSATURDAYREVIEWofOctober8th,containingalengthycriticismupontheINNOCENTSABROAD,entirelydifferent,in

everyparagraphandsentence,fromtheoneIpublishedinTHEGALAXY,IwillpaytotheENQUIRERagentanotherfivehundreddollarscash.IofferSheldon&Co.,publishers,500Broadway,NewYork,asmy"backers."AnyoneinNewYork,authorizedbytheENQUIRER,willreceivepromptattention.ItisaneasyandprofitablewayfortheENQUIRERpeopletoprovethattheyhavenotutteredapitiful,deliberatefalsehoodintheaboveparagraphs.Willtheyswallowthatfalsehoodignominiously,orwilltheysendanagenttoTHEGALAXYoffice.IthinktheCincinnatiENQUIRERmustbeeditedbychildren.

ALETTERTOTHESECRETARYOFTHETREASURY

Riverdale-on-the-Hudson,OCTOBER15,1902.

THEHON.THESECRETARYOFTHETREASURY,WASHINGTON,D.C.:

Sir,--Pricesforthecustomarykindsofwinterfuelhavingreachedanaltitudewhichputsthemoutofthereachofliterarypersonsin

straitenedcircumstances,Idesiretoplacewithyouthefollowingorder:

Forty-fivetonsbestolddrygovernmentbonds,suitableforfurnace,gold7percents.,1864,preferred.

Twelvetonsearlygreenbacks,rangesize,suitableforcooking.

Eightbarrelsseasoned25and50centpostalcurrency,vintageof1866,eligibleforkindlings.



PleasedeliverwithallconvenientdespatchatmyhouseinRiverdaleatlowestratesforspotcash,andsendbillto

Yourobligedservant,

MarkTwain,Whowillbeverygrateful,andwillvoteright.

AMENDEDOBITUARIES

TOTHEEDITOR:

Sir,--Iamapproachingseventy;itisinsight;itisonlythreeyearsaway.Necessarily,Imustgosoon.Itisbutmatter-of-coursewisdom,then,thatIshouldbegintosetmyworldlyhouseinordernow,sothatitmaybedonecalmlyandwiththoroughness,inplaceofwaitinguntilthelastday,when,aswehaveoftenseen,theattempttosetbothhousesinorderatthesametimehasbeenmarredbythenecessityfor

hasteandbytheconfusionandwasteoftimearisingfromtheinabilityofthenotaryandtheecclesiastictoworktogetherharmoniously,takingturnaboutandgivingeachotherfriendlyassistance--notperhapsinfielding,whichcouldhardlybeexpected,butatleastintheminorofficesofkeepinggameandumpiring;byconsequenceofwhichconflictofinterestsandabsenceofharmoniousactionadrawhasfrequentlyresultedwherethisill-fortunecouldnothavehappenedifthehouseshadbeensetinorderoneatatimeandhurryavoidedbybeginninginseason,andgivingtoeachtheamountoftimefairlyandjustlypropertoit.

InsettingmyearthlyhouseinorderIfinditofmomentthatIshouldattendinpersontooneortwomatterswhichmeninmypositionhave

longhadthehabitofleavingwhollytoothers,withconsequencesoftenmostregrettable.Iwishtospeakofonlyoneofthesemattersatthistime:Obituaries.Ofnecessity,anObituaryisathingwhichcannotbesojudiciouslyeditedbyanyhandasbythatofthesubjectofit.InsuchaworkitisnottheFactsthatareofchiefimportance,butthelightwhichtheobituaristshallthrowuponthem,themeaningwhichheshalldressthemin,theconclusionswhichheshalldrawfromthem,andthejudgmentswhichheshalldeliveruponthem.TheVerdicts,youunderstand:thatisthedanger-line.

Inconsideringthismatter,inviewofmyapproachingchange,ithasseemedtomewisetotakesuchmeasuresasmaybefeasible,toacquire,bycourtesyofthepress,accesstomystandingobituaries,withthe

privilege--ifthisisnotaskingtoomuch--ofediting,nottheirFacts,buttheirVerdicts.This,notforthepresentprofit,furtherthanasconcernsmyfamily,butasafavorableinfluenceusableontheOtherSide,wheretherearesomewhoarenotfriendlytome.

Withthisexplanationofmymotives,Iwillnowaskyouofyourcourtesytomakeanappealformetothepublicpress.Itismydesirethatsuchjournalsandperiodicalsashaveobituariesofmelyingintheirpigeonholes,withaviewtosuddenusesomeday,willnotwaitlonger,butwillpublishthemnow,andkindlysendmeamarkedcopy.Myaddress



issimplyNewYorkCity--Ihavenootherthatispermanentandnottransient.

Iwillcorrectthem--nottheFacts,buttheVerdicts--strikingoutsuchclausesascouldhaveadeleteriousinfluenceontheOtherSide,andreplacingthemwithclausesofamorejudiciouscharacter.Ishould,ofcourse,expecttopaydoubleratesforboththeomissionsandthesubstitutions;andIshouldalsoexpecttopayquadrupleratesforallobituarieswhichprovedtoberightlyandwiselywordedintheoriginals,thusrequiringnoemendationsatall.

ItismydesiretoleavetheseAmendedObituariesneatlyboundbehindmeasaperennialconsolationandentertainmenttomyfamily,andasanheirloomwhichshallhaveamournfulbutdefinitecommercialvalueformyremoteposterity.

Ibeg,sir,thatyouwillinsertthisAdvertisement(1t-eow,agate,inside),andsendthebillto

Yoursveryrespectfully.

MarkTwain.

P.S.--ForthebestObituary--onesuitableformetoreadinpublic,andcalculatedtoinspireregret--IdesiretoofferaPrize,consistingofaPortraitofmedoneentirelybymyselfinpenandinkwithoutpreviousinstructions.Theinkwarrantedtobethekindusedbytheverybestartists.

AMONUMENTTOADAM

SomeonehasrevealedtotheTRIBUNEthatIoncesuggestedtoRev.ThomasK.Beecher,ofElmira,NewYork,thatwegetupamonumenttoAdam,andthatMr.Beecherfavoredtheproject.Thereismoretoitthanthat.Thematterstartedasajoke,butitcamesomewhatneartomaterializing.

Itislongago--thirtyyears.Mr.Darwin'sDESCENTOFMANhasbeeninprintfiveorsixyears,andthestormofindignationraisedbyitwasstillraginginpulpitsandperiodicals.Intracingthegenesisofthehumanracebacktoitssources,Mr.DarwinhadleftAdamoutaltogether.Wehadmonkeys,and"missinglinks,"andplentyofotherkindsof

ancestors,butnoAdam.JestingwithMr.BeecherandotherfriendsinElmira,IsaidthereseemedtobealikelihoodthattheworldwoulddiscardAdamandacceptthemonkey,andthatinthecourseoftimeAdam'sverynamewouldbeforgottenintheearth;thereforethiscalamityoughttobeaverted;amonumentwouldaccomplishthis,andElmiraoughtnottowastethishonorableopportunitytodoAdamafavorandherselfacredit.

Thentheunexpectedhappened.Twobankerscameforwardandtookholdofthematter--notforfun,notforsentiment,butbecausetheysawinthe



Twain.--Editor.)

TOTHEEDITOROFHARPER'SWEEKLY:

DearSirandKinsman,--Letushavedonewiththisfrivoloustalk.TheAmericanBoardacceptscontributionsfrommeeveryyear:thenwhyshouldn'titfromMr.Rockefeller?Inalltheages,three-fourthsofthesupportofthegreatcharitieshasbeenconscience-money,asmybookswillshow:thenwhatbecomesofthestingwhenthattermisappliedtoMr.Rockefeller'sgift?TheAmericanBoard'stradeisfinancedmainlyfromthegraveyards.Bequests,youunderstand.Conscience-money.Confessionofanoldcrimeanddeliberateperpetrationofanewone;fordeceased'scontributionisarobberyofhisheirs.ShalltheBoarddeclinebequestsbecausetheystandforoneoftheseoffenseseverytimeandgenerallyforboth?

Allowmetocontinue.ThechargemustpersistentlyandresentfullyandremorselesslydweltuponisthatMr.Rockefeller'scontributionisincurablytaintedbyperjury--perjuryprovedagainsthiminthecourts.ITMAKESUSSMILE--downinmyplace!Becausethereisn'tarichmaninyourvastcitywhodoesn'tperjurehimselfeveryyearbeforethetaxboard.Theyareallcakedwithperjury,manylayersthick.Iron-clad,sotospeak.Ifthereisonethatisn't,Idesiretoacquirehimformy

museum,andwillpayDinosaurrates.Willyousayitisn'tinfractionofthelaw,butonlyannualevasionofit?Comfortyourselveswiththatnicedistinctionifyoulike--FORTHEPRESENT.Butbyandby,whenyouarrive,Iwillshowyousomethinginteresting:awholehell-fullofevaders!Sometimesafranklaw-breakerturnsupelsewhere,butIgetthoseotherseverytime.

Toreturntomymuttons.IwishyoutorememberthatmyrichperjurersarecontributingtotheAmericanBoardwithfrequency:itismoneyfilchedfromthesworn-offpersonaltax;thereforeitisthewagesofsin;thereforeitismymoney;thereforeitisIthatcontributeit;and,finally,itisthereforeasIhavesaid:sincetheBoarddailyacceptscontributionsfromme,whyshoulditdeclinethemfromMr.

Rockefeller,whoisasgoodasIam,letthecourtssaywhattheymay?

Satan.

INTRODUCTIONTO"THENEWGUIDEOFTHECONVERSATIONINPORTUGUESEANDENGLISH"

byPedroCarolino

Inthisworldofuncertainties,thereis,atanyrate,onethingwhichmaybeprettyconfidentlysetdownasacertainty:andthatis,thatthiscelebratedlittlephrase-bookwillneverdiewhiletheEnglishlanguagelasts.Itsdeliciousunconsciousridiculousness,anditsenchantingnaivete,asaresupremeandunapproachable,intheirway,asareShakespeare'ssublimities.Whatsoeverisperfectinitskind,inliterature,isimperishable:nobodycanimitateitsuccessfully,nobody



canhopetoproduceitsfellow;itisperfect,itmustandwillstandalone:itsimmortalityissecure.

Itisoneofthesmallestbooksintheworld,butfewbigbookshavereceivedsuchwideattention,andbeensomuchponderedbythegraveandlearned,andsomuchdiscussedandwrittenaboutbythethoughtful,thethoughtless,thewise,andthefoolish.Longnoticesofithaveappeared,fromtimetotime,inthegreatEnglishreviews,andineruditeandauthoritativephilologicalperiodicals;andithasbeenlaughedat,dancedupon,andtossedinablanketbynearlyeverynewspaperandmagazineintheEnglish-speakingworld.Everyscribbler,almost,hashadhislittleflingatit,atonetimeoranother;Ihadminefifteenyearsago.Thebookgetsoutofprint,everynowandthen,andoneceasestohearofitforaseason;butpresentlythenationsandnearandfarcoloniesofourtongueandlineagecallforitoncemore,andoncemoreitissuesfromsomeLondonorContinentalorAmericanpress,andrunsanewcoursearoundtheglobe,waftedonitswaybythewindofaworld'slaughter.

Manypersonshavebelievedthatthisbook'smiraculousstupiditieswerestudiedanddisingenuous;butnoonecanreadthevolumecarefullythroughandkeepthatopinion.Itwaswritteninseriousgoodfaithanddeepearnestness,byanhonestanduprightidiotwhobelievedheknewsomethingoftheEnglishlanguage,andcouldimparthisknowledgeto

others.Theamplestproofofthiscropsoutsomewhereorotheruponeachandeverypage.Therearesentencesinthebookwhichcouldhavebeenmanufacturedbyamaninhisrightmind,andwithanintelligentanddeliberatepurposestoseeminnocentlyignorant;butthereareothersentences,andparagraphs,whichnomerepretendedignorancecouldeverachieve--noryeteventhemostgenuineandcomprehensiveignorance,whenunbackedbyinspiration.

Itisnotafraudwhospeaksinthefollowingparagraphoftheauthor'sPreface,butagoodman,anhonestman,amanwhoseconscienceisatrest,amanwhobelieveshehasdoneahighandworthyworkforhisnationandhisgeneration,andiswellpleasedwithhisperformance:

Weexpectthen,whothelittlebook(forthecarewhatwewrotehim,andforhertypographicalcorrection)thatmaybeworththeacceptationofthestudiouspersons,andespeciallyoftheYouth,atwhichwededicatehimparticularly.

Onecannotopenthisbookanywhereandnotfindrichness.Toprovethatthisistrue,IwillopenitatrandomandcopythepageIhappentostumbleupon.Hereistheresult:

DIALOGUE16

ForToSeetheTown

Anothony,gotoaccompanytheygentilsmen,dotheyseethetown.

Wewon'ttoseeallthatisitremarquablehere.



Comewithme,ifyouplease.Ishallnotfolgetnothingwhatcantomerityourattention.Hereweareneartocathedral;willyoucomeinthere?

Wewillfirsttoseehiminoudside,afterweshallgointherefortolooktheinterior.

Admirethismasterpiecegothicarchitecture's.

Thechasingofalltheyfiguresisastonishing'indeed.

Thecupolaandthenavearenotlesscurioustosee.

WhatisthispalacehowIseeyonder?

Itisthetownhall.

Andthistowerhereatthisside?

ItistheObservatory.

Thebridgeisveryfine,ithavetenarches,andisconstructedoffreestone.

Thestreetsareverylayedoutbylineandtoopaved.

Whatisthecircuitofthistown?

Twoleagues.

Thereisitalsohospitalshere?

Itnotfailthem.

Whatarethentheedificestheworthesttohaveseen?

Itisthearsnehal,thespectacle'shall,theCusiomhouse,andthePurse.

Wearegoingtooseetheothersmonumentssuchthatthepublicpawnbroker'soffice,theplantsgarden's,themoneyoffice's,thelibrary.

Thatitshallbeforanotherday;wearetired.

DIALOGUE17

ToInformOne'selfofaPerson

Howisthatgentilmanwhoyoudidspeakbyandby?

IsaGerman.

IdidthinkhimEnglishman.



HeisoftheSaxonyside.

Hespeakthefrenchverywell.

ToughheisGerman,hespeaksomuchwellitalyan,french,spanishandenglish,thatamongtheItalyans,theybelievehimItalyan,hespeakthefrencheastheFrencheshimselves.TheSpanishesmenbelievehimSpanishing,andtheEnglishes,Englishman.Itisdifficulttoenjoywellsomuchseverallanguages.

Thelastremarkcontainsageneraltruth;butitceasestobeatruthwhenonecontractsitandapplesittoanindividual--providedthatthatindividualistheauthorofthisbook,SehnorPedroCarolino.IamsureIshouldnotfinditdifficult"toenjoywellsomuchseverallanguages"--orevenathousandofthem--ifhedidthetranslatingformefromtheoriginalsintohisostensibleEnglish.

ADVICETOLITTLEGIRLS

Goodlittlegirlsoughtnottomakemouthsattheirteachersforeverytriflingoffense.Thisretaliationshouldonlyberesortedtounderpeculiarlyaggravatedcircumstances.

Ifyouhavenothingbutarag-dollstuffedwithsawdust,whileoneofyourmorefortunatelittleplaymateshasacostlyChinaone,youshouldtreatherwithashowofkindnessnevertheless.Andyououghtnottoattempttomakeaforcibleswapwithherunlessyourconsciencewouldjustifyyouinit,andyouknowyouareabletodoit.

Yououghtnevertotakeyourlittlebrother's"chewing-gum"awayfromhimbymainforce;itisbettertoropehiminwiththepromiseofthefirsttwodollarsandahalfyoufindfloatingdowntheriveronagrindstone.Intheartlesssimplicitynaturaltothistimeoflife,hewillregarditasaperfectlyfairtransaction.Inallagesoftheworldthiseminentlyplausiblefictionhasluredtheobtuseinfanttofinancialruinanddisaster.

Ifatanytimeyoufinditnecessarytocorrectyourbrother,donotcorrecthimwithmud--never,onanyaccount,throwmudathim,becauseitwillspoilhisclothes.Itisbettertoscaldhimalittle,forthenyouobtaindesirableresults.Yousecurehisimmediateattentiontothe

lessonsyouareinculcating,andatthesametimeyourhotwaterwillhaveatendencytomoveimpuritiesfromhisperson,andpossiblytheskin,inspots.

Ifyourmothertellsyoutodoathing,itiswrongtoreplythatyouwon't.Itisbetterandmorebecomingtointimatethatyouwilldoasshebidsyou,andthenafterwardactquietlyinthematteraccordingtothedictatesofyourbestjudgment.

Youshouldeverbearinmindthatitistoyourkindparentsthatyou



areindebtedforyourfood,andfortheprivilegeofstayinghomefromschoolwhenyouletonthatyouaresick.Thereforeyououghttorespecttheirlittleprejudices,andhumortheirlittlewhims,andputupwiththeirlittlefoiblesuntiltheygettocrowdingyoutoomuch.

Goodlittlegirlsalwaysshowmarkeddeferencefortheaged.Yououghtneverto"sass"oldpeopleunlessthey"sass"youfirst.

POST-MORTEMPOETRY(1)

InPhiladelphiatheyhaveacustomwhichitwouldbepleasanttoseeadoptedthroughouttheland.Itisthatofappendingtopublisheddeath-noticesalittleverseortwoofcomfortingpoetry.AnyonewhoisinthehabitofreadingthedailyPhiladelphiaLEDGERmustfrequentlybetouchedbytheseplaintivetributestoextinguishedworth.InPhiladelphia,thedepartureofachildisacircumstancewhichisnotmoresurelyfollowedbyaburialthanbytheaccustomedsolacingpoesyinthePUBLICLEDGER.Inthatcitydeathloseshalfitsterrorbecause

theknowledgeofitspresencecomesthusdisguisedinthesweetdraperyofverse.Forinstance,inalateLEDGERIfindthefollowing(Ichangethesurname):

DIED

Hawks.--Onthe17thinst.,Clara,thedaughterofEphraimandLauraHawks,aged21monthsand2days.

ThatmerryshoutnomoreIhear,

NolaughingchildIsee,Nolittlearmsarearoundmyneck,Nofeetuponmyknee;

Nokissesdropuponmycheek,Theselipsaresealedtome.DearLord,howcouldIgiveClaraupToanybuttoThee?

Achildthusmournedcouldnotdiewhollydiscontented.FromtheLEDGERofthesamedateImakethefollowingextract,merelychangingthesurname,asbefore:

Becket.--OnSundaymorning,19thinst.,JohnP.,infantsonofGeorgeandJuliaBecket,aged1year,6months,and15days.

ThatmerryshoutnomoreIhear,NolaughingchildIsee,Nolittlearmsareroundmyneck,Nofeetuponmyknee;



Nokissesdropuponmycheek;Theselipsaresealedtome.DearLord,howcouldIgiveJohnnieupToanybuttoThee?

Thesimilarityoftheemotionsasproducedinthemournersinthesetwoinstancesisremarkablyevidencedbythesingularsimilarityofthoughtwhichtheyexperienced,andthesurprisingcoincidenceoflanguageusedbythemtogiveitexpression.

Inthesamejournal,ofthesamedate,Ifindthefollowing(surnamesuppressed,asbefore):

Wagner.--Onthe10thinst.,FergusonG.,thesonofWilliamL.andMarthaTheresaWagner,aged4weeksand1day.

ThatmerryshoutnomoreIhear,NolaughingchildIsee,Nolittlearmsareroundmyneck,Nofeetuponmyknee;

Nokissesdropuponmycheek,Theselipsaresealedtome.DearLord,howcouldIgiveFergusonupToanybuttoThee?

Itisstrangewhatpowerthereiterationofanessentiallypoeticalthoughthasuponone'sfeelings.WhenwetakeuptheLEDGERandreadthepoetryaboutlittleClara,wefeelanunaccountabledepressionofthespirits.WhenwedriftfurtherdownthecolumnandreadthepoetryaboutlittleJohnnie,thedepressionandspiritsacquiresandaddedemphasis,andweexperiencetangiblesuffering.Whenwesaunteralongdownthe

columnfurtherstillandreadthepoetryaboutlittleFerguson,thewordtorturebutvaguelysuggeststheanguishthatrendsus.

IntheLEDGER(samecopyreferredtoabove)Ifindthefollowing(Ialtersurname,asusual):

Welch.--Onthe5thinst.,MaryC.Welch,wifeofWilliamB.Welch,anddaughterofCatharineandGeorgeW.Markland,inthe29thyearofherage.

Amotherdear,amotherkind,

Hasgoneandleftusallbehind.Ceasetoweep,fortearsarevain,Motherdearisoutofpain.

Farewell,husband,childrendear,ServethyGodwithfilialfear,Andmeetmeinthelandabove,Whereallispeace,andjoy,andlove.



Whatcouldbesweeterthanthat?Nocollectionofsalientfacts(withoutreductiontotabularform)couldbemoresuccinctlystatedthanisdoneinthefirststanzabythesurvivingrelatives,andnomoreconciseandcomprehensiveprogramoffarewells,post-mortuarygeneralorders,etc.,couldbeframedinanyformthanisdoneinversebydeceasedinthelaststanza.Thesethingsinsensiblymakeuswiserandtenderer,andbetter.Anotherextract:

Ball.--Onthemorningofthe15thinst.,MaryE.,daughterofJohnandSarahF.Ball.

'TissweettorestinlivelyhopeThatwhenmychangeshallcomeAngelswillhoverroundmybed,Towaftmyspirithome.

Thefollowingisapparentlythecustomaryformforheadsoffamilies:

Burns.--Onthe20thinst.,MichaelBurns,aged40years.

Dearestfather,thouhastleftus,Hearthylosswedeeplyfeel;But'tisGodthathasbereftus,Hecanalloursorrowsheal.

Funeralat2o'clocksharp.

Thereissomethingverysimpleandpleasantaboutthefollowing,which,inPhiladelphia,seemstobetheusualformforconsumptivesoflongstanding.(ItdeploresfourdistinctcasesinthesinglecopyoftheLEDGERwhichliesontheMemorandaeditorialtable):

Bromley.--Onthe29thinst.,ofconsumption,PhilipBromley,inthe50thyearofhisage.

Afflictionsorelongtimehebore,Physicianswereinvain--TillGodatlastdidhearhimmourn,Andeasedhimofhispain.

Thatfriendwhomdeathfromushastorn,Wedidnotthinksosoontopart;AnanxiouscarenowsinksthethornStilldeeperinourbleedingheart.

Thisbeautifulcreationlosesnothingbyrepetition.Onthecontrary,theofteneroneseesitintheLEDGER,themoregrandandawe-inspiringitseems.

WithonemoreextractIwillclose:

Doble.--Onthe4thinst.,SamuelPervilWorthingtonDoble,aged4days.



OurlittleSammy'sgone,Histinyspirit'sfled;OurlittleboywelovedsodearLiessleepingwiththedead.

Atearwithinafather'seye,Amother'sachingheart,CanonlytelltheagonyHowharditistopart.

Couldanythingbemoreplaintivethanthat,withoutrequiringfurtherconcessionsofgrammar?Couldanythingbelikelytodomoretowardreconcilingdeceasedtocircumstances,andmakinghimwillingtogo?Perhapsnot.Thepowerofsongcanhardlybeestimated.Thereisanelementaboutsomepoetrywhichisabletomakeevenphysicalsufferinganddeathcheerfulthingstocontemplateandconsummationstobedesired.ThiselementispresentinthemortuarypoetryofPhiladelphiadegreeofdevelopment.

ThecustomIhavebeentreatingofisonethatshouldbeadoptedinallthecitiesoftheland.

Itissaidthatonceamanofsmallconsequencedied,andtheRev.T.K.Beecherwasaskedtopreachthefuneralsermon--amanwhoabhorsthelaudingofpeople,eitherdeadoralive,exceptindignifiedandsimplelanguage,andthenonlyformeritswhichtheyactuallypossessedorpossess,notmeritswhichtheymerelyoughttohavepossessed.Thefriendsofthedeceasedgotupastatelyfuneral.Theymusthavehadmisgivingsthatthecorpsemightnotbepraisedstronglyenough,fortheypreparedsomemanuscriptheadingsandnotesinwhichnothingwasleftunsaidonthatsubjectthatafervidimaginationandanunabridgeddictionarycouldcompile,andthesetheyhandedtotheministerasheenteredthepulpit.Theyweremerelyintendedassuggestions,andsothefriendswerefilledwithconsternationwhentheministerstoodinthe

pulpitandproceededtoreadoffthecuriousoddsandendsinghastlydetailandinaloudvoice!Andtheirconsternationsolidifiedtopetrificationwhenhepausedattheend,contemplatedthemultitudereflectively,andthensaid,impressively:

"Themanwouldbeafoolwhotriedtoaddanythingtothat.Letuspray!"

Andwiththesamestrictadhesiontotruthitcanbesaidthatthemanwouldbeafoolwhotriedtoaddanythingtothefollowingtranscendentobituarypoem.Thereissomethingsoinnocent,soguileless,socomplacent,sounearthlysereneandself-satisfiedaboutthispeerless"hog-wash,"thatthemanmustbemadeofstonewhocanreaditwithouta

dulcetecstasycreepingalonghisbackboneandquiveringinhismarrow.Thereisnoneedtosaythatthispoemisgenuineandinearnest,foritsproofsarewrittenalloveritsface.Aningeniousscribblermightimitateitafterafashion,butShakespearehimselfcouldnotcounterfeitit.Itisnoticeablethatthecountryeditorwhopublisheditdidnotknowthatitwasatreasureandthemostperfectthingofitskindthatthestorehousesandmuseumsofliteraturecouldshow.Hedidnotdaretosaynotothedreadpoet--forsuchapoetmusthavebeensomethingofanapparition--buthejustshoveleditintohispaperanywherethatcamehandy,andfeltashamed,andputthatdisgusted



"PublishedbyRequest"overit,andhopedthathissubscriberswouldoverlookitornotfeelanimpulsetoreadit:

(PublishedbyRequest)

LINES

ComposedonthedeathofSamuelandCatharineBelknap'schildren

byM.A.Glaze

Friendsandneighborsalldrawnear,AndlistentowhatIhavetosay;AndneverleaveyourchildrendearWhentheyaresmall,andgoaway.

Butalwaysthinkofthatsadfate,Thathappenedinyearof'63;Fourchildrenwithahousedidburn,Thinkoftheirawfulagony.

Theirmothershehadgoneaway,Andleftthemtherealonetostay;Thehousetookfireanddowndidburn;Beforetheirmotherdidreturn.

Theirpiteouscrytheneighborsheard,Andthenthecryoffirewasgiven;But,ah!beforetheycouldthemreach,Theirlittlespiritshadflowntoheaven.

Theirfatherhetowarhadgone,Andonthebattle-fieldwasslain;Butlittledidhethinkwhenhewentaway,

Butwhatonearththeywouldmeetagain.

TheneighborsoftentoldhiswifeNottoleavehischildrenthere,Unlessshegotsomeonetostay,Andofthelittleonestakecare.

Theoldesthewasyearsnotsix,Andtheyoungestonlyelevenmonthsold,Butoftenshehadleftthemtherealone,As,bytheneighbors,Ihavebeentold.

Howcanshebeartoseetheplace.

Whereshesoofthasleftthemthere,Withoutasingleonetolooktothem,Orofthelittleonestotakegoodcare.

Oh,canshelookuponthespot,Whereundertheirlittleburntboneslay,Butwhatshethinksshehearsthemsay,''TwasGodhadpity,andtookusonhigh.'

Andtheremayshekneeldownandpray,



AndaskGodhertoforgive;AndshemayleadadifferentlifeWhilesheonearthremainstolive.

Herhusbandandherchildrentoo,Godhastookfrompainandwoe.Mayshereformandmendherways,Thatshemayalsotothemgo.

AndwhenitisGod'sholywill,O,mayshebepreparedTomeetherGodandfriendsinpeace,Andleavethisworldofcare.

1.Writtenin1870.

THEDANGEROFLYINGINBED

Themanintheticket-officesaid:

"Haveanaccidentinsuranceticket,also?"

"No,"Isaid,afterstudyingthematteroveralittle."No,Ibelievenot;Iamgoingtobetravelingbyrailalldaytoday.However,tomorrowIdon'ttravel.Givemeonefortomorrow."

Themanlookedpuzzled.Hesaid:

"Butitisforaccidentinsurance,andifyouaregoingtotravelbyrail--"

"IfIamgoingtotravelbyrailIsha'n'tneedit.LyingathomeinbedisthethingIamafraidof."

Ihadbeenlookingintothismatter.LastyearItraveledtwentythousandmiles,almostentirelybyrail;theyearbefore,Itraveledovertwenty-fivethousandmiles,halfbyseaandhalfbyrail;andtheyearbeforethatItraveledintheneighborhoodoftenthousandmiles,exclusivelybyrail.IsupposeifIputinallthelittleoddjourneyshereandthere,ImaysayIhavetraveledsixtythousandmilesduringthethreeyearsIhavementioned.ANDNEVERANACCIDENT.

ForagoodwhileIsaidtomyselfeverymorning:"NowIhaveescapedthusfar,andsothechancesarejustthatmuchincreasedthatIshall

catchitthistime.Iwillbeshrewd,andbuyanaccidentticket."AndtoadeadmoralcertaintyIdrewablank,andwenttobedthatnightwithoutajointstartedorabonesplintered.Igottiredofthatsortofdailybother,andfelltobuyingaccidentticketsthatweregoodforamonth.Isaidtomyself,"AmanCAN'Tbuythirtyblanksinonebundle."

ButIwasmistaken.Therewasneveraprizeinthethelot.Icouldreadofrailwayaccidentseveryday--thenewspaperatmospherewasfoggywiththem;butsomehowtheynevercamemyway.IfoundIhadspentagood



dealofmoneyintheaccidentbusiness,andhadnothingtoshowforit.Mysuspicionswerearoused,andIbegantohuntaroundforsomebodythathadwoninthislottery.Ifoundplentyofpeoplewhohadinvested,butnotanindividualthathadeverhadanaccidentormadeacent.Istoppedbuyingaccidentticketsandwenttociphering.Theresultwasastounding.THEPERILLAYNOTINTRAVELING,BUTINSTAYINGATHOME.

Ihuntedupstatistics,andwasamazedtofindthatafteralltheglaringnewspaperheadlinesconcerningrailroaddisasters,lessthanTHREEHUNDREDpeoplehadreallylosttheirlivesbythosedisastersintheprecedingtwelvemonths.TheErieroadwassetdownasthemostmurderousinthelist.Ithadkilledforty-six--ortwenty-six,Idonotexactlyrememberwhich,butIknowthenumberwasdoublethatofanyotherroad.ButthefactstraightwaysuggesteditselfthattheEriewasanimmenselylongroad,anddidmorebusinessthananyotherlineinthecountry;sothedoublenumberofkilledceasedtobematterforsurprise.

Byfurtherfiguring,itappearedthatbetweenNewYorkandRochestertheErieraneightpassenger-trainseachwayeveryday--16altogether;andcarriedadailyaverageof6,000persons.Thatisaboutamillioninsixmonths--thepopulationofNewYorkCity.Well,theEriekillsfrom13to23personsofITSmillioninsixmonths;andinthesametime13,000ofNewYork'smilliondieintheirbeds!Myfleshcrept,myhairstood

onend."Thisisappalling!"Isaid."Thedangerisn'tintravelingbyrail,butintrustingtothosedeadlybeds.Iwillneversleepinabedagain."

Ihadfiguredonconsiderablylessthanone-halfthelengthoftheErieroad.Itwasplainthattheentireroadmusttransportatleastelevenortwelvethousandpeopleeveryday.TherearemanyshortroadsrunningoutofBostonthatdofullyhalfasmuch;agreatmanysuchroads.TherearemanyroadsscatteredabouttheUnionthatdoaprodigiouspassengerbusiness.Thereforeitwasfairtopresumethatanaverageof2,500passengersadayforeachroadinthecountrywouldbealmostcorrect.Thereare846railwaylinesinourcountry,and846times2,500are2,115,000.SotherailwaysofAmericamovemorethantwomillionsof

peopleeveryday;sixhundredandfiftymillionsofpeopleayear,withoutcountingtheSundays.Theydothat,too--thereisnoquestionaboutit;thoughwheretheygettherawmaterialisclearbeyondthejurisdictionofmyarithmetic;forIhavehuntedthecensusthroughandthrough,andIfindthattherearenotthatmanypeopleintheUnitedStates,byamatterofsixhundredandtenmillionsattheveryleast.Theymustusesomeofthesamepeopleoveragain,likely.

SanFranciscoisone-eighthaspopulousasNewYork;thereare60deathsaweekintheformerand500aweekinthelatter--iftheyhaveluck.Thatis3,120deathsayearinSanFrancisco,andeighttimesasmanyinNewYork--sayabout25,000or26,000.Thehealthofthetwoplacesisthesame.Sowewillletitstandasafairpresumptionthatthiswill

holdgoodalloverthecountry,andthatconsequently25,000outofeverymillionofpeoplewehavemustdieeveryyear.Thatamountstoone-fortiethofourtotalpopulation.Onemillionofus,then,dieannually.Outofthismilliontenortwelvethousandarestabbed,shot,drowned,hanged,poisoned,ormeetasimilarlyviolentdeathinsomeotherpopularway,suchasperishingbykerosene-lampandhoop-skirtconflagrations,gettingburiedincoal-mines,fallingoffhouse-tops,breakingthroughchurch,orlecture-roomfloors,takingpatentmedicines,orcommittingsuicideinotherforms.TheErierailroadkills23to46;theother845railroadskillanaverageofone-thirdofaman



wasrubbish.

Well,fromnursingthoseportraitssolong,Ihavecomeatlasttohaveaperfectinfatuationforart.Ihaveateachernow,andmyenthusiasmcontinuallyandtumultuouslygrows,asIlearntousewithmoreandmorefacilitythepencil,brush,andgraver.IamstudyingunderDeMellville,thehouseandportraitpainter.(HisnamewasSmithwhenhelivedintheWest.)Hedoesanykindofartistworkabodywants,havingageniusthatisuniversal,likeMichaelAngelo.Resemblesthatgreatartist,infact.Thebackofhisheadislikethis,andhewearshishat-brimtilteddownonhisnosetoexposeit.

IhavebeenstudyingunderDeMellvilleseveralmonthsnow.ThefirstmonthIpaintedfences,andgavegeneralsatisfaction.ThenextmonthIwhite-washedabarn.Thethird,Iwasdoingtinroofs;theforth,commonsigns;thefifth,statuarytostandbeforecigarshops.Thispresentmonthisonlythesixth,andIamalreadyinportraits!

Thehumbleofferingwhichaccompaniestheseremarks(seefigure)--theportraitofhisMajestyWilliamIII.,KingofPrussia--ismyfifthattemptinportraits,andmygreatestsuccess.Ithasreceivedunboundedpraisefromallclassesofthecommunity,butthatwhichgratifiesmemostisthefrequentandcordialverdictthatitresemblestheGALAXYportraits.Thoseweremyfirstlove,myearliestadmiration,the

originalsourceandincentiveofmyart-ambition.WhateverIaminArttoday,Iowetotheseportraits.Iasknocreditformyself--Ideservenone.AndInevertakeany,either.Manyastrangerhascometomyexhibition(forIhavehadmyportraitofKingWilliamonexhibitionatonedollaraticket),andwouldhavegoneawayblessingME,ifIhadlethim,butIneverdid.IalwaysstatedwhereIgottheidea.

KingWilliamwearslargebushyside-whiskers,andsomecriticshavethoughtthatthisportraitwouldbemorecompleteiftheywereadded.Butitwasnotpossible.Therewasnotroomforside-whiskersandepauletsboth,andsoIletthewhiskersgo,andputintheepaulets,forthesakeofstyle.Thatthingonhishatisaneagle.ThePrussianeagle--itisanationalemblem.WhenIsayhatImeanhelmet;butit

seemsimpossibletomakeapictureofahelmetthatabodycanhaveconfidencein.

IwishkindfriendseverywherewouldaidmeinmyendeavortoattractalittleattentiontotheGALAXYportraits.Ifeelpersuadeditcanbeaccomplished,ifthecoursetobepursuedbechosenwithjudgment.Iwriteforthatmagazineallthetime,andsodomanyablermen,andifIcangettheseportraitsintouniversalfavor,itisallIask;thereading-matterwilltakecareofitself.

COMMENDATIONSOFTHEPORTRAIT

ThereisnothinglikeitintheVatican.PiusIX.

Ithasnoneofthatvagueness,thatdreamyspiritualityaboutit,whichmanyofthefirstcriticsofArkansashaveobjectedtointheMurilloschoolofArt.Ruskin.

Theexpressionisveryinteresting.J.W.Titian.



(KeepsamacaronistoreinVenice,attheoldfamilystand.)

ItistheneatestthinginstilllifeIhaveseenforyears.

RosaBonheur.

Thesmilemaybealmostcalledunique.Bismarck.

Ineversawsuchcharacterportrayedinapicturefacebefore.DeMellville.

Thereisabenignantsimplicityabouttheexecutionofthisworkwhichwarmsthehearttowarditasmuch,fullasmuch,asitfascinatestheeye.Landseer.

Onecannotseeitwithoutlongingtocontemplatetheartist.

FrederickWilliam.

Sendmetheentireedition--togetherwiththeplateandtheoriginalportrait--andnameyourownprice.And--wouldyouliketocomeoverandstayawhilewithNapoleonatWilhelmshohe?Itshallnotcostyouacent.WilliamIII.

DOESTHERACEOFMANLOVEALORD?

Oftenaquiteassifiedremarkbecomessanctifiedbyuseandpetrifiedbycustom;itisthenapermanency,itstermofactivityageologicperiod.

ThedayafterthearrivalofPrinceHenryImetanEnglishfriend,andherubbedhishandsandbrokeoutwitharemarkthatwaschargedtothebrimwithjoy--joythatwasevidentlyapleasantsalvetoanoldsoreplace:

"ManyatimeI'vehadtolistenwithoutretorttoanoldsayingthatisirritatinglytrue,anduntilnowseemedtooffernochanceforareturnjibe:'AnEnglishmandoesdearlylovealord';butafterthisIshalltalkback,andsay,'HowabouttheAmericans?'"

Itisacuriousthing,thecurrencythatanidioticsayingcanget.Themanthatfirstsaysitthinkshehasmadeadiscovery.Themanhesaysitto,thinksthesame.Itdepartsonitstravels,isreceivedeverywherewithadmiringacceptance,andnotonlyasapieceofrareand



acuteobservation,butasbeingexhaustivelytrueandprofoundlywise;andsoitpresentlytakesitsplaceintheworld'slistofrecognizedandestablishedwisdoms,andafterthatnoonethinksofexaminingittoseewhetheritisreallyentitledtoitshighhonorsornot.Icalltomindinstancesofthisintwowell-establishedproverbs,whosedullnessisnotsurpassedbytheoneabouttheEnglishmanandhisloveforalord:oneofthemrecordstheAmerican'sAdorationoftheAlmightyDollar,theothertheAmericanmillionaire-girl'sambitiontotradecashforatitle,withahusbandthrownin.

Itisn'tmerelytheAmericanthatadorestheAlmightyDollar,itisthehumanrace.Thehumanracehasalwaysadoredthehatfulofshells,orthebaleofcalico,orthehalf-bushelofbrassrings,orthehandfulofsteelfish-hooks,orthehousefulofblackwives,orthezarebafullofcattle,orthetwo-scorecamelsandasses,orthefactory,orthefarm,ortheblockofbuildings,ortherailroadbonds,orthebankstock,orthehoardedcash,or--anythingthatstandsforwealthandconsiderationandindependence,andcansecuretothepossessorthatmostpreciousofallthings,anotherman'senvy.ItwasadullpersonthatinventedtheideathattheAmerican'sdevotiontothedollarismorestrenuousthananother's.

RichAmericangirlsdobuytitles,buttheydidnotinventthatidea;ithadbeenwornthreadbareseveralhundredcenturiesbeforeAmerica

wasdiscovered.Europeangirlsstillexploititasbrisklyasever;and,whenatitleisnottobehadforthemoneyinhand,theybuythehusbandwithoutit.Theymustputupthe"dot,"orthereisnotrade.Thecommercializationofbridesissubstantiallyuniversal,exceptinAmerica.Itexistswithus,tosomelittleextent,butinnodegreeapproachingacustom.

"TheEnglishmandearlylovesalord."

Whatisthesoulandsourceofthislove?Ithinkthethingcouldbemorecorrectlyworded:

"Thehumanracedearlyenviesalord."

Thatistosay,itenviesthelord'splace.Why?Ontwoaccounts,Ithink:itsPoweranditsConspicuousness.

WhereConspicuousnesscarrieswithitaPowerwhich,bythelightofourownobservationandexperience,weareabletomeasureandcomprehend,Ithinkourenvyofthepossessorisasdeepandaspassionateasisthatofanyothernation.Noonecancarelessforalordthanthebackwoodsman,whohashadnopersonalcontactwithlordsandhasseldomheardthemspokenof;butIwillnotallowthatanyEnglishmanhasaprofounderenvyofalordthanhastheaverageAmericanwhohaslivedlongyearsinaEuropeancapitalandfullylearnedhowimmenseisthepositionthelordoccupies.

OfanytenthousandAmericanswhoeagerlygather,atvastinconvenience,togetaglimpseofPrinceHenry,allbutacoupleofhundredwillbethereoutofanimmensecuriosity;theyareburningupwithdesiretoseeapersonagewhoissomuchtalkedabout.Theyenvyhim;butitisConspicuousnesstheyenvymainly,notthePowerthatislodgedinhisroyalqualityandposition,fortheyhavebutavagueandspectralknowledgeandappreciationofthat;thoughtheirenvironmentandassociationstheyhavebeenaccustomedtoregardsuchthingslightly,andasnotbeingveryreal;consequently,theyarenotabletovalue



themenoughtoconsuminglyenvythem.

But,wheneveranAmerican(orotherhumanbeing)isinthepresence,forthefirsttime,ofacombinationofgreatPowerandConspicuousnesswhichhethoroughlyunderstandsandappreciates,hiseagercuriosityandpleasurewillbewell-soddenwiththatotherpassion--envy--whetherhesuspectsitornot.Atanytime,onanyday,inanypartofAmerica,youcanconferahappinessuponanypassingstrangerbycallinghisattentiontoanyotherpassingstrangerandsaying:

"Doyouseethatgentlemangoingalongthere?ItisMr.Rockefeller."

Watchhiseye.Itisacombinationofpowerandconspicuousnesswhichthemanunderstands.

Whenweunderstandrank,wealwaysliketorubagainstit.Whenamanisconspicuous,wealwayswanttoseehim.Also,ifhewillpayusanattentionwewillmanagetorememberit.Also,wewillmentionitnowandthen,casually;sometimestoafriend,orifafriendisnothandy,wewillmakeoutwithastranger.

Well,then,whatisrank,andwhatisconspicuousness?Atoncewethinkofkingsandaristocracies,andofworld-widecelebritiesinsoldierships,thearts,letters,etc.,andwestopthere.Butthatisa

mistake.Rankholdsitscourtandreceivesitshomageoneveryroundoftheladder,fromtheemperordowntotherat-catcher;anddistinction,also,existsoneveryroundoftheladder,andcommandsitsdueofdeferenceandenvy.

Toworshiprankanddistinctionisthedearandvaluedprivilegeofallthehumanrace,anditisfreelyandjoyfullyexercisedindemocraciesaswellasinmonarchies--andeven,tosomeextent,amongthosecreatureswhomweimpertinentlycalltheLowerAnimals.Foreventheyhavesomepoorlittlevanitiesandfoibles,thoughinthismattertheyarepaupersascomparedtous.

AChineseEmperorhastheworshipofhisfourhundredmillionsof

subjects,buttherestoftheworldisindifferenttohim.AChristianEmperorhastheworshipofhissubjectsandofalargepartoftheChristianworldoutsideofhisdomains;butheisamatterofindifferencetoallChina.Aking,classA,hasanextensiveworship;aking,classB,hasalessextensiveworship;classC,classD,classEgetasteadilydiminishingshareofworship;classL(SultanofZanzibar),classP(SultanofSulu),andclassW(half-kingofSamoa),getnoworshipatalloutsidetheirownlittlepatchofsovereignty.

Takethedistinguishedpeoplealongdown.Eachhashisgroupofhomage-payers.Inthenavy,therearemanygroups;theystartwiththeSecretaryandtheAdmiral,andgodowntothequartermaster--andbelow;fortherewillbegroupsamongthesailors,andeachofthesegroups

willhaveatarwhoisdistinguishedforhisbattles,orhisstrength,orhisdaring,orhisprofanity,andisadmiredandenviedbyhisgroup.Thesamewiththearmy;thesamewiththeliteraryandjournalisticcraft;thepublishingcraft;thecod-fisherycraft;StandardOil;U.S.Steel;theclassAhotel--andtherestofthealphabetinthatline;theclassAprize-fighter--andtherestofthealphabetinhisline--cleardowntothelowestandobscurestsix-boygangoflittlegamins,withitsoneboythatcanthrashtherest,andtowhomheiskingofSamoa,bottomoftheroyalrace,butlookeduptowithamostardentadmirationandenvy.



Thereissomethingpathetic,andfunny,andpretty,aboutthishumanrace'sfondnessforcontactwithpoweranddistinction,andforthereflectedgloryitgetsoutofit.Theking,classA,ishappyinthestatebanquetandthemilitaryshowwhichtheemperorprovidesforhim,andhegoeshomeandgathersthequeenandtheprincelingsaroundhimintheprivacyofthespareroom,andtellsthemallaboutit,andsays:

"HisImperialMajestyputhishanduponmyshoulderinthemostfriendlyway--justasfriendlyandfamiliar,oh,youcan'timagineit!--andeverybodySEEINGhimdoit;charming,perfectlycharming!"

Theking,classG,ishappyinthecoldcollationandthepoliceparadeprovidedforhimbytheking,classB,andgoeshomeandtellsthefamilyallaboutit,andsays:

"AndHisMajestytookmeintohisownprivatecabinetforasmokeandachat,andtherewesatjustassociable,andtalkingawayandlaughingandchatting,justthesameasifwehadbeenborninthesamebunk;andalltheservantsintheanteroomcouldseeusdoingit!Oh,itwastoolovelyforanything!"

Theking,classQ,ishappyinthemodestentertainmentfurnishedhimbytheking,classM,andgoeshomeandtellsthehouseholdaboutit,

andisasgratefulandjoyfuloveritaswerehispredecessorsinthegaudierattentionsthathadfallentotheirlargerlot.

Emperors,kings,artisans,peasants,bigpeople,littlepeople--atthebottomweareallalikeandallthesame;alljustalikeontheinside,andwhenourclothesareoff,nobodycantellwhichofusiswhich.Weareunanimousinthepridewetakeingoodandgenuinecomplimentspaidus,anddistinctionsconferreduponus,inattentionsshown.Thereisnotoneofus,fromtheemperordown,butismadelikethat.DoImeanattentionsshownusbytheguest?No,Imeansimplyflatteringattentions,letthemcomewhencetheymay.Wedespisenosourcethatcanpayusapleasingattention--thereisnosourcethatishumbleenoughforthat.Youhaveheardadearlittlegirlsaytoafrowzyand

disreputabledog:"Hecamerighttomeandletmepathimonthehead,andhewouldn'tlettheotherstouchhim!"andyouhaveseenhereyesdancewithprideinthathighdistinction.Youhaveoftenseenthat.Ifthechildwereaprincess,wouldthatrandomdogbeabletoconferthelikegloryuponherwithhisprettycompliment?Yes;andeveninhermaturelifeandseateduponathrone,shewouldstillrememberit,stillrecallit,stillspeakofitwithfranksatisfaction.ThatcharmingandlovableGermanprincessandpoet,CarmenSylva,QueenofRoumania,remembersyetthattheflowersofthewoodsandfields"talkedtoher"whenshewasagirl,andshesetsitdowninherlatestbook;andthatthesquirrelsconferreduponherandherfatherthevaluedcomplimentofnotbeingafraidofthem;and"onceoneofthem,holdinganutbetweenitssharplittleteeth,ranrightupagainstmyfather"--ithasthevery

noteof"Hecamerighttomeandletmepathimonthehead"--"andwhenitsawitselfreflectedinhisbootitwasverymuchsurprised,andstoppedforalongtimetocontemplateitselfinthepolishedleather"--thenitwentitsway.Andthebirds!shestillrememberswithpridethat"theycameboldlyintomyroom,"whenshehadneglectedher"duty"andputnofoodonthewindow-sillforthem;sheknewallthewildbirds,andforgetstheroyalcrownonherheadtorememberwithpridethattheyknewher;alsothatthewaspandthebeewerepersonalfriendsofhers,andneverforgotthatgraciousrelationshiptoherinjury:"neverhaveIbeenstungbyawasporabee."Andhereisthat



proudnoteagainthatsingsinthatlittlechild'selationinbeingsingledout,amongallthecompanyofchildren,fortherandomdog'shonor-conferringattentions."Evenintheveryworstsummerforwasps,when,inlunchingoutofdoors,ourtablewascoveredwiththemandeveryoneelsewasstung,theyneverhurtme."

Whenaqueenwhosequalitiesofmindandheartandcharacterareabletoadddistinctiontosodistinguishedaplaceasathrone,rememberswithgratefulexultation,afterthirtyyears,honorsanddistinctionsconferreduponherbythehumble,wildcreaturesoftheforest,wearehelpedtorealizethatcomplimentaryattentions,homage,distinctions,areofnocaste,butareaboveallcast--thattheyareanobility-conferringpowerapart.

Wealllikethesethings.Whenthegate-guardattherailway-stationpassesmethroughunchallengedandexaminesotherpeople'stickets,Ifeelastheking,classA,feltwhentheemperorputtheimperialhandonhisshoulder,"everybodyseeinghimdoit";andasthechildfeltwhentherandomdogallowedhertopathisheadandostracizedtheothers;andastheprincessfeltwhenthewaspssparedherandstungtherest;andIfeltjustso,fouryearsagoinVienna(andrememberityet),whenthehelmetedpoliceshutmeoff,withfiftyothers,fromastreetwhichtheEmperorwastopassthrough,andthecaptainofthesquadturnedandsawthesituationandsaidindignantlytothatguard:

"Can'tyouseeitistheHerrMarkTwain?Lethimthrough!"

Itwasfouryearsago;butitwillbefourhundredbeforeIforgetthewindofself-complacencythatroseinme,andstrainedmybuttonswhenImarkedthedeferenceformeevokedinthefacesofmyfellow-rabble,andnoted,mingledwithit,apuzzledandresentfulexpressionwhichsaid,asplainlyasspeechcouldhavewordedit:"AndwhointhenationistheHerrMarkTwainUMGOTTESWILLEN?"

Howmanytimesinyourlifehaveyouheardthisboastfulremark:

"IstoodasclosetohimasIamtoyou;Icouldhaveputoutmyhand

andtouchedhim."

Wehaveallhearditmanyandmanyatime.Itwasaprouddistinctiontobeabletosaythosewords.Itbroughtenvytothespeaker,akindofglory;andhebaskedinitandwashappythroughallhisveins.Andwhowasithestoodsocloseto?Theanswerwouldcoverallthegrades.Sometimesitwasaking;sometimesitwasarenownedhighwayman;sometimesitwasanunknownmankilledinanextraordinarywayandmadesuddenlyfamousbyit;alwaysitwasapersonwhowasforthemomentthesubjectofpublicinterestofavillage.

"Iwasthere,andIsawitmyself."Thatisacommonandenvy-compellingremark.Itcanrefertoabattle;toahanding;toacoronation;tothe

killingofJumbobytherailway-train;tothearrivalofJennyLindattheBattery;tothemeetingofthePresidentandPrinceHenry;tothechaseofamurderousmaniac;tothedisasterinthetunnel;totheexplosioninthesubway;toaremarkabledog-fight;toavillagechurchstruckbylightning.Itwillbesaid,moreorlesscausally,byeverybodyinAmericawhohasseenPrinceHenrydoanything,ortryto.Themanwhowasabsentanddidn'tseehimtoanything,willscoff.Itishisprivilege;andhecanmakecapitaloutofit,too;hewillseem,eventohimself,tobedifferentfromotherAmericans,andbetter.AshisopinionofhissuperiorAmericanismgrows,andswells,and



concentratesandcoagulates,hewillgofurtherandtrytobelittlethedistinctionofthosethatsawthePrincedothings,andwillspoiltheirpleasureinitifhecan.Mylifehasbeenembitteredbythatkindofperson.Ifyouareabletotellofaspecialdistinctionthathasfallentoyourlot,itgravelsthem;theycannotbearit;andtheytrytomakebelievethatthethingyoutookforaspecialdistinctionwasnothingofthekindandwasmeantinquiteanotherway.OnceIwasreceivedinprivateaudiencebyanemperor.LastweekIwastellingajealouspersonaboutit,andIcouldseehimwinceunderit,seehimbite,seehimsuffer.Irevealedthewholeepisodetohimwithconsiderableelaborationandniceattentiontodetail.WhenIwasthrough,heaskedmewhathadimpressedmemost.Isaid:

"HisMajesty'sdelicacy.Theytoldmetobesureandbackoutfromthepresence,andfindthedoor-knobasbestIcould;itwasnotallowabletofacearound.NowtheEmperorknewitwouldbeadifficultordealforme,becauseoflackofpractice;andso,whenitwastimetopart,heturned,withexceedingdelicacy,andpretendedtofumblewiththingsonhisdesk,soIcouldgetoutinmyownway,withouthisseeingme."

Itwenthome!Itwasvitriol!Isawtheenvyanddisgruntlementriseintheman'sface;hecouldn'tkeepitdown.Isawhimtrytofixupsomethinginhismindtotakethebloomoffthatdistinction.Ienjoyedthat,forIjudgedthathehadhisworkcutoutforhim.Hestruggled

alonginwardlyforquiteawhile;thenhesaid,withamannerofapersonwhohastosaysomethingandhasn'tanythingrelevanttosay:

"Yousaidhehadahandfulofspecial-brandcigarsonthetable?"

"Yes;Ineversawanythingtomatchthem."

Ihadhimagain.Hehadtofumblearoundinhismindasmuchasanotherminutebeforehecouldplay;thenhesaidinasmeanawayasIeverheardapersonsayanything:

"Hecouldhavebeencountingthecigars,youknow."

Icannotendureamanlikethat.Itisnothingtohimhowunkindheis,solongashetakesthebloomoff.Itisallhecaresfor.

"AnEnglishman(orotherhumanbeing)doesdearlylovealord,"(orotherconspicuousperson.)Itincludesusall.Welovetobenoticedbytheconspicuousperson;welovetobeassociatedwithsuch,orwithaconspicuousevent,eveninaseventh-ratefashion,evenintheforty-seventh,ifwecannotdobetter.Thisaccountsforsomeofourcurioustastesinmementos.ItaccountsforthelargeprivatetradeinthePrinceofWales'shair,whichchambermaidswereabletodriveinthatarticleofcommercewhenthePrincemadethetouroftheworldinthelongago--hairwhichprobablydidnotalwayscomefromhisbrush,sinceenoughofitwasmarketedtorefurnishabaldcomet;itaccounts

forthefactthattheropewhichlynchesanegrointhepresenceoftenthousandChristianspectatorsissalablefiveminuteslaterattwodollarsandinch;itaccountsforthemournfulfactthataroyalpersonagedoesnotventuretowearbuttonsonhiscoatinpublic.

Wedolovealord--andbythattermImeananypersonwhosesituationishigherthanourown.Thelordofthegroup,forinstance:agroupofpeers,agroupofmillionaires,agroupofhoodlums,agroupofsailors,agroupofnewsboys,agroupofsaloonpoliticians,agroupofcollegegirls.Noroyalpersonhaseverbeentheobjectofamoredelirious



loyaltyandslavishadorationthanispaidbythevastTammanyherdtoitssqualididolinWantage.Thereisnotabifurcatedanimalinthatmenageriethatwouldnotbeproudtoappearinanewspaperpictureinhiscompany.Atthesametime,therearesomeinthatorganizationwhowouldscoffatthepeoplewhohavebeendailypicturedincompanywithPrinceHenry,andwouldsayvigorouslythatTHEYwouldnotconsenttobephotographedwithhim--astatementwhichwouldnotbetrueinanyinstance.TherearehundredsofpeopleinAmericawhowouldfranklysaytoyouthattheywouldnotbeproudtobephotographedinagroupwiththePrince,ifinvited;andsomeoftheseunthinkingpeoplewouldbelieveitwhentheysaidit;yetinnoinstancewoulditbetrue.Wehavealargepopulation,butwehavenotalargeenoughone,byseveralmillions,tofurnishthatman.Hehasnotyetbeenbegotten,andinfactheisnotbegettable.

Youmaytakeanyoftheprintedgroups,andthereisn'tapersoninthedimbackgroundwhoisn'tvisiblytryingtobevivid;ifitisacrowdoftenthousand--tenthousandproud,untameddemocrats,horny-handedsonsoftoilandofpolitics,andfliersoftheeagle--thereisn'tonewhoistryingtokeepoutofrange,thereisn'tonewhoisn'tplainlymeditatingapurchaseofthepaperinthemorning,withtheintentionofhuntinghimselfoutinthepictureandofframingandkeepingitifheshallfindsomuchofhispersoninitashisstarboardear.

WealllovetogetsomeofthedrippingsofConspicuousness,andwewillputupwithasingle,humbledrip,ifwecan'tgetanymore.Wemaypretendotherwise,inconversation;butwecan'tpretendittoourselvesprivately--andwedon't.WedoconfessinpublicthatwearethenoblestworkofGod,beingmovedtoitbylonghabit,andteaching,andsuperstition;butdeepdowninthesecretplacesofoursoulswerecognizethat,ifweAREthenoblestwork,thelesssaidaboutitthebetter.

WeoftheNorthpokefunattheSouthforitsfondnessoftitles--afondnessfortitlespureandsimple,regardlessofwhethertheyaregenuineorpinchbeck.WeforgetthatwhateveraSouthernerlikestherestofthehumanracelikes,andthatthereisnolawofpredilection

lodgedinonepeoplethatisabsentfromanotherpeople.Thereisnovarietyinthehumanrace.Weareallchildren,allchildrenoftheoneAdam,andwelovetoys.WecansoonacquirethatSoutherndiseaseifsomeonewillgiveitastart.Italreadyhasastart,infact.Ihavebeenpersonallyacquaintedwithovereighty-fourthousandpersonswho,atonetimeoranotherintheirlives,haveservedforayearortwoonthestaffsofourmultitudinousgovernors,andthroughthatfatalityhavebeengeneralstemporarily,andcolonelstemporarily,andjudge-advocatestemporarily;butIhaveknownonlynineamongthemwhocouldbehiredtoletthetitlegowhenitceasedtobelegitimate.Iknowthousandsandthousandsofgovernorswhoceasedtobegovernorsawaybackinthelastcentury;butIamacquaintedwithonlythreewhowouldansweryourletterifyoufailedtocallthem"Governor"init.

Iknowacresandacresofmenwhohavedonetimeinalegislatureinprehistoricdays,butamongthemisnothalfanacrewhoseresentmentyouwouldnotraiseifyouaddressedthemas"Mr."insteadof"Hon."Thefirstthingalegislaturedoesistoconveneinanimpressivelegislativeattitude,andgetitselfphotographed.Eachmemberframeshiscopyandtakesittothewoodsandhangsitupinthemostaggressivelyconspicuousplaceinhishouse;andifyouvisitthehouseandfailtoinquirewhatthataccumulationis,theconversationwillbebroughtaroundtoitbythataforetimelegislator,andhewillshowyouafigureinitwhichinthecourseofyearshehasalmostobliterated



withthesmutofhisfinger-marks,andsaywithasolemnjoy,"It'sme!"

HaveyoueverseenacountryCongressmanenterthehotelbreakfast-roominWashingtonwithhisletters?--andsitathistableandletontoreadthem?--andwrinklehisbrowsandfrownstatesman-like?--keepingafurtivewatch-outoverhisglassesallthewhiletoseeifheisbeingobservedandadmired?--thosesameoldletterswhichhefetchesineverymorning?Haveyouseenit?Haveyouseenhimshowoff?ItisTHEsightofthenationalcapital.Exceptone;apatheticone.Thatistheex-Congressman:thepoorfellowwhoselifehasbeenruinedbyatwo-yeartasteofgloryandoffictitiousconsequence;whohasbeensuperseded,andoughttotakehisheartbreakhomeandhideit,butcannottearhimselfawayfromthesceneofhislostlittlegrandeur;andsohelingers,andstilllingers,yearafteryear,unconsidered,sometimessnubbed,ashamedofhisfallenestate,andvaliantlytryingtolookotherwise;drearyanddepressed,butcounterfeitingbreezinessandgaiety,hailingwithchummyfamiliarity,whichisnotalwayswelcomed,themore-fortuneswhoarestillinplaceandwereoncehismates.Haveyouseenhim?Heclingspiteouslytotheonelittleshredthatisleftofhisdeparteddistinction--the"privilegeofthefloor";andworksithardandgetswhathecanoutofit.ThatisthesaddestfigureIknowof.

Yes,wedosoloveourlittledistinctions!Andthenweloftilyscoff

ataPrinceforenjoyinghislargerones;forgettingthatifweonlyhadhischance--ah!"Senator"isnotalegitimatetitle.ASenatorhasnomorerighttobeaddressedbyitthanhaveyouorI;but,intheseveralstatecapitalsandinWashington,therearefivethousandSenatorswhotakeverykindlytothatfiction,andwhopurrgratefullywhenyoucallthembyit--whichyoumaydoquiteunrebuked.ThenthosesameSenatorssmileattheself-constructedmajorsandgeneralsandjudgesoftheSouth!

Indeed,wedoloveourdistinctions,getthemhowwemay.Andweworkthemforalltheyareworth.Inprayerwecallourselves"wormsofthedust,"butitisonlyonasortoftacitunderstandingthattheremarkshallnotbetakenatpar.WE--wormsofthedust!Oh,no,wearenot

that.Exceptinfact;andwedonotdealmuchinfactwhenwearecontemplatingourselves.

Asarace,wedocertainlylovealord--lethimbeCroker,oraduke,oraprize-fighter,orwhateverotherpersonageshallchancetobetheheadofourgroup.Manyyearsago,IsawagreasyyouthinoverallsstandingbytheHERALDoffice,withanexpectantlookinhisface.Soonalargemanpassedout,andgavehimapatontheshoulder.Thatwaswhattheboywaswaitingfor--thelargeman'snotice.Thepatmadehimproudandhappy,andtheexultationinsideofhimshoneoutthroughhiseyes;andhismatesweretheretoseethepatandenvyitandwishtheycouldhavethatglory.Theboybelongeddowncellarinthepress-room,thelargemanwaskingoftheupperfloors,foremanofthecomposing-room.The

lightintheboy'sfacewasworship,theforemanwashislord,headofhisgroup.Thepatwasanaccolade.Itwasasprecioustotheboyasitwouldhavebeenifhehadbeenanaristocrat'ssonandtheaccoladehadbeendeliveredbyhissovereignwithasword.Thequintessenceofthehonorwasallthere;therewasnodifferenceinvalues;intruththerewasnodifferencepresentexceptanartificialone--clothes.

Allthehumanracelovesalord--thatis,lovestolookuponorbenoticedbythepossessorofPowerorConspicuousness;andsometimesanimals,borntobetterthingsandhigherideals,descendtoman'slevel



inthismatter.IntheJardindesPlantesIhaveseeacatthatwassovainofbeingthepersonalfriendofanelephantthatIwasashamedofher.

EXTRACTSFROMADAM'SDIARY

MONDAY.--Thisnewcreaturewiththelonghairisagooddealintheway.Itisalwayshangingaroundandfollowingmeabout.Idon'tlikethis;Iamnotusedtocompany.Iwishitwouldstaywiththeotheranimals....Cloudytoday,windintheeast;thinkweshallhaverain....WE?WheredidIgetthatword--thenewcreatureusesit.

TUESDAY.--Beenexaminingthegreatwaterfall.Itisthefinestthingontheestate,Ithink.ThenewcreaturecallsitNiagaraFalls--why,IamsureIdonotknow.SaysitLOOKSlikeNiagaraFalls.Thatisnotareason,itismerewaywardnessandimbecility.Igetnochancetonameanythingmyself.Thenewcreaturenameseverythingthatcomesalong,

beforeIcangetinaprotest.Andalwaysthatsamepretextisoffered--itLOOKSlikethething.Thereisadodo,forinstance.Saysthemomentonelooksatitoneseesataglancethatit"lookslikeadodo."Itwillhavetokeepthatname,nodoubt.Itweariesmetofretaboutit,anditdoesnogood,anyway.Dodo!ItlooksnomorelikeadodothanIdo.

WEDNESDAY.--Builtmeashelteragainsttherain,butcouldnothaveittomyselfinpeace.Thenewcreatureintruded.WhenItriedtoputitoutitshedwateroutoftheholesitlookswith,andwipeditawaywiththebackofitspaws,andmadeanoisesuchassomeoftheotheranimalsmakewhentheyareindistress.Iwishitwouldnottalk;itisalwaystalking.Thatsoundslikeacheapflingatthepoorcreature,aslur;

butIdonotmeanitso.Ihaveneverheardthehumanvoicebefore,andanynewandstrangesoundintrudingitselfhereuponthesolemnhushofthesedreamingsolitudesoffendsmyearandseemsafalsenote.Andthisnewsoundissoclosetome;itisrightatmyshoulder,rightatmyear,firstononesideandthenontheother,andIamusedonlytosoundsthataremoreorlessdistantfromme.

FRIDAY.Thenaminggoesrecklesslyon,inspiteofanythingIcando.Ihadaverygoodnamefortheestate,anditwasmusicalandpretty--GARDENOFEDEN.Privately,Icontinuetocallitthat,butnotanylongerpublicly.Thenewcreaturesaysitisallwoodsandrocksandscenery,andthereforehasnoresemblancetoagarden.SaysitLOOKSlikeapark,anddoesnotlooklikeanythingBUTapark.Consequently,

withoutconsultingme,ithasbeennew-namedNIAGARAFALLSPARK.Thisissufficientlyhigh-handed,itseemstome.Andalreadythereisasignup:

KEEPOFF

THEGRASS



Mylifeisnotashappyasitwas.

SATURDAY.--Thenewcreatureeatstoomuchfruit.Wearegoingtorunshort,mostlikely."We"again--thatisITSword;mine,too,now,fromhearingitsomuch.Gooddealoffogthismorning.Idonotgooutinthefogmyself.Thisnewcreaturedoes.Itgoesoutinallweathers,andstumpsrightinwithitsmuddyfeet.Andtalks.Itusedtobesopleasantandquiethere.

SUNDAY.--Pulledthrough.Thisdayisgettingtobemoreandmoretrying.ItwasselectedandsetapartlastNovemberasadayofrest.Ihadalreadysixofthemperweekbefore.Thismorningfoundthenewcreaturetryingtoclodapplesoutofthatforbiddentree.

MONDAY.--ThenewcreaturesaysitsnameisEve.Thatisallright,Ihavenoobjections.Saysitistocallitby,whenIwantittocome.Isaiditwassuperfluous,then.Thewordevidentlyraisedmeinitsrespect;andindeeditisalarge,goodwordandwillbearrepetition.ItsaysitisnotanIt,itisaShe.Thisisprobablydoubtful;yetitisallonetome;whatsheiswerenothingtomeifshewouldbutgobyherselfandnottalk.

TUESDAY.--Shehaslitteredthewholeestatewithexecrablenamesand

offensivesigns:

ThiswaytotheWhirlpool

ThiswaytoGoatIsland

CaveoftheWindsthisway

Shesaysthisparkwouldmakeatidysummerresortiftherewasany

customforit.Summerresort--anotherinventionofhers--justwords,withoutanymeaning.Whatisasummerresort?Butitisbestnottoaskher,shehassucharageforexplaining.

FRIDAY.--ShehastakentobeseechingmetostopgoingovertheFalls.Whatharmdoesitdo?Saysitmakeshershudder.Iwonderwhy;Ihavealwaysdoneit--alwayslikedtheplunge,andcoolness.IsupposeditwaswhattheFallswerefor.TheyhavenootherusethatIcansee,andtheymusthavebeenmadeforsomething.Shesaystheywereonlymadeforscenery--liketherhinocerosandthemastodon.

IwentovertheFallsinabarrel--notsatisfactorytoher.Wentoverinatub--stillnotsatisfactory.SwamtheWhirlpoolandtheRapidsin

afig-leafsuit.Itgotmuchdamaged.Hence,tediouscomplaintsaboutmyextravagance.Iamtoomuchhamperedhere.WhatIneedisachangeofscene.

SATURDAY.--IescapedlastTuesdaynight,andtraveledtwodays,andbuiltmeanothershelterinasecludedplace,andobliteratedmytracksaswellasIcould,butshehuntedmeoutbymeansofabeastwhichshehastamedandcallsawolf,andcamemakingthatpitifulnoiseagain,andsheddingthatwateroutoftheplacesshelookswith.Iwasobligedtoreturnwithher,butwillpresentlyemigrateagainwhenoccasion



offers.Sheengagesherselfinmanyfoolishthings;amongothers;tostudyoutwhytheanimalscalledlionsandtigersliveongrassandflowers,when,asshesays,thesortofteeththeywearwouldindicatethattheywereintendedtoeateachother.Thisisfoolish,becausetodothatwouldbetokilleachother,andthatwouldintroducewhat,asIunderstand,iscalled"death";anddeath,asIhavebeentold,hasnotyetenteredthePark.Whichisapity,onsomeaccounts.

SUNDAY.--Pulledthrough.

MONDAY.--IbelieveIseewhattheweekisfor:itistogivetimetorestupfromthewearinessofSunday.Itseemsagoodidea....Shehasbeenclimbingthattreeagain.Cloddedheroutofit.Shesaidnobodywaslooking.Seemstoconsiderthatasufficientjustificationforchancinganydangerousthing.Toldherthat.Thewordjustificationmovedheradmiration--andenvy,too,Ithought.Itisagoodword.

TUESDAY.--Shetoldmeshewasmadeoutofaribtakenfrommybody.Thisisatleastdoubtful,ifnotmorethanthat.Ihavenotmissedanyrib....Sheisinmuchtroubleaboutthebuzzard;saysgrassdoesnotagreewithit;isafraidshecan'traiseit;thinksitwasintendedtoliveondecayedflesh.Thebuzzardmustgetalongthebestitcanwithwhatisprovided.Wecannotoverturnthewholeschemetoaccommodatethebuzzard.

SATURDAY.--Shefellinthepondyesterdaywhenshewaslookingatherselfinit,whichsheisalwaysdoing.Shenearlystrangled,andsaiditwasmostuncomfortable.Thismadehersorryforthecreatureswhichliveinthere,whichshecallsfish,forshecontinuestofastennamesontothingsthatdon'tneedthemanddon'tcomewhentheyarecalledbythem,whichisamatterofnoconsequencetoher,sheissuchanumbskull,anyway;soshegotalotofthemoutandbroughttheminlastnightandputtheminmybedtokeepwarm,butIhavenoticedthemnowandthenalldayandIdon'tseethattheyareanyhappiertherethentheywerebefore,onlyquieter.WhennightcomesIshallthrowthemoutdoors.Iwillnotsleepwiththemagain,forIfindthemclammyandunpleasanttolieamongwhenapersonhasn'tanythingon.

SUNDAY.--Pulledthrough.

TUESDAY.--Shehastakenupwithasnakenow.Theotheranimalsareglad,forshewasalwaysexperimentingwiththemandbotheringthem;andIamgladbecausethesnaketalks,andthisenablesmetogetarest.

FRIDAY.--Shesaysthesnakeadviseshertotrythefruitofthetree,andsaystheresultwillbeagreatandfineandnobleeducation.Itoldhertherewouldbeanotherresult,too--itwouldintroducedeathintotheworld.Thatwasamistake--ithadbeenbettertokeeptheremarktomyself;itonlygaveheranidea--shecouldsavethesickbuzzard,andfurnishfreshmeattothedespondentlionsandtigers.Iadvisedherto

keepawayfromthetree.Shesaidshewouldn't.Iforeseetrouble.Willemigrate.

WEDNESDAY.--Ihavehadavariegatedtime.Iescapedlastnight,androdeahorseallnightasfastashecouldgo,hopingtogetclearoftheParkandhideinsomeothercountrybeforethetroubleshouldbegin;butitwasnottobe.Aboutanhouraftersun-up,asIwasridingthroughafloweryplainwherethousandsofanimalsweregrazing,slumbering,orplayingwitheachother,accordingtotheirwont,allofasuddentheybrokeintoatempestoffrightfulnoises,andinonemomenttheplain



wasafranticcommotionandeverybeastwasdestroyingitsneighbor.Iknewwhatitmeant--Evehadeatenthatfruit,anddeathwascomeintotheworld....Thetigersatemyhouse,payingnoattentionwhenIorderedthemtodesist,andtheywouldhaveeatenmeifIhadstayed--whichIdidn't,butwentawayinmuchhaste....Ifoundthisplace,outsidethePark,andwasfairlycomfortableforafewdays,butshehasfoundmeout.Foundmeout,andhasnamedtheplaceTonawanda--saysitLOOKSlikethat.InfactIwasnotsorryshecame,fortherearebutmeagerpickingshere,andshebroughtsomeofthoseapples.Iwasobligedtoeatthem,Iwassohungry.Itwasagainstmyprinciples,butIfindthatprincipleshavenorealforceexceptwhenoneiswellfed....Shecamecurtainedinboughsandbunchesofleaves,andwhenIaskedherwhatshemeantbysuchnonsense,andsnatchedthemawayandthrewthemdown,shetitteredandblushed.Ihadneverseenapersontitterandblushbefore,andtomeitseemedunbecomingandidiotic.ShesaidIwouldsoonknowhowitwasmyself.Thiswascorrect.HungryasIwas,Ilaiddowntheapplehalf-eaten--certainlythebestoneIeversaw,consideringthelatenessoftheseason--andarrayedmyselfinthediscardedboughsandbranches,andthenspoketoherwithsomeseverityandorderedhertogoandgetsomemoreandnotmakeaspectacleorherself.Shedidit,andafterthiswecreptdowntowherethewild-beastbattlehadbeen,andcollectedsomeskins,andImadeherpatchtogetheracoupleofsuitsproperforpublicoccasions.Theyareuncomfortable,itistrue,butstylish,andthatisthemainpointabout

clothes....Ifindsheisagooddealofacompanion.IseeIshouldbelonesomeanddepressedwithouther,nowthatIhavelostmyproperty.Anotherthing,shesaysitisorderedthatweworkforourlivinghereafter.Shewillbeuseful.Iwillsuperintend.

TENDAYSLATER.--SheaccusesMEofbeingthecauseofourdisaster!Shesays,withapparentsincerityandtruth,thattheSerpentassuredherthattheforbiddenfruitwasnotapples,itwaschestnuts.IsaidIwasinnocent,then,forIhadnoteatenanychestnuts.ShesaidtheSerpentinformedherthat"chestnut"wasafigurativetermmeaninganagedandmoldyjoke.Iturnedpaleatthat,forIhavemademanyjokestopassthewearytime,andsomeofthemcouldhavebeenofthatsort,thoughIhadhonestlysupposedthattheywerenewwhenImadethem.Sheaskedme

ifIhadmadeonejustatthetimeofthecatastrophe.IwasobligedtoadmitthatIhadmadeonetomyself,thoughnotaloud.Itwasthis.IwasthinkingabouttheFalls,andIsaidtomyself,"Howwonderfulitistoseethatvastbodyofwatertumbledownthere!"Theninaninstantabrightthoughtflashedintomyhead,andIletitfly,saying,"ItwouldbeadealmorewonderfultoseeittumbleUPthere!"--andIwasjustabouttokillmyselfwithlaughingatitwhenallnaturebrokelooseinwaranddeathandIhadtofleeformylife."There,"shesaid,withtriumph,"thatisjustit;theSerpentmentionedthatveryjest,andcalledittheFirstChestnut,andsaiditwascoevalwiththecreation."Alas,Iamindeedtoblame.WouldthatIwerenotwitty;oh,thatIhadneverhadthatradiantthought!

NEXTYEAR.--WehavenameditCain.ShecaughtitwhileIwasupcountrytrappingontheNorthShoreoftheErie;caughtitinthetimberacoupleofmilesfromourdug-out--oritmighthavebeenfour,sheisn'tcertainwhich.Itresemblesusinsomeways,andmaybearelation.Thatiswhatshethinks,butthisisanerror,inmyjudgment.Thedifferenceinsizewarrantstheconclusionthatitisadifferentandnewkindofanimal--afish,perhaps,thoughwhenIputitinthewatertosee,itsank,andsheplungedinandsnatcheditoutbeforetherewasopportunityfortheexperimenttodeterminethematter.Istillthinkitisafish,butsheisindifferentaboutwhatitis,andwillnotlet



mehaveittotry.Idonotunderstandthis.Thecomingofthecreatureseemstohavechangedherwholenatureandmadeherunreasonableaboutexperiments.Shethinksmoreofitthanshedoesofanyoftheotheranimals,butisnotabletoexplainwhy.Hermindisdisordered--everythingshowsit.Sometimesshecarriesthefishinherarmshalfthenightwhenitcomplainsandwantstogettothewater.Atsuchtimesthewatercomesoutoftheplacesinherfacethatshelooksoutof,andshepatsthefishonthebackandmakessoftsoundswithhermouthtosootheit,andbetrayssorrowandsolicitudeinahundredways.Ihaveneverseenherdolikethiswithanyotherfish,andittroublesmegreatly.Sheusedtocarrytheyoungtigersaroundso,andplaywiththem,beforewelostourproperty,butitwasonlyplay;shenevertookonaboutthemlikethiswhentheirdinnerdisagreedwiththem.

SUNDAY.--Shedoesn'twork,Sundays,butliesaroundalltiredout,andlikestohavethefishwallowoverher;andshemakesfoolnoisestoamuseit,andpretendstochewitspaws,andthatmakesitlaugh.Ihavenotseenafishbeforethatcouldlaugh.Thismakesmedoubt....IhavecometolikeSundaymyself.Superintendingalltheweektiresabodyso.ThereoughttobemoreSundays.Intheolddaystheyweretough,butnowtheycomehandy.

WEDNESDAY.--Itisn'tafish.Icannotquitemakeoutwhatitis.Itmakescuriousdevilishnoiseswhennotsatisfied,andsays"goo-goo"

whenitis.Itisnotoneofus,foritdoesn'twalk;itisnotabird,foritdoesn'tfly;itisnotafrog,foritdoesn'thop;itisnotasnake,foritdoesn'tcrawl;Ifeelsureitisnotafish,thoughIcannotgetachancetofindoutwhetheritcanswimornot.Itmerelyliesaround,andmostlyonitsback,withitsfeetup.Ihavenotseenanyotheranimaldothatbefore.IsaidIbelieveditwasanenigma;butsheonlyadmiredthewordwithoutunderstandingit.Inmyjudgmentitiseitheranenigmaorsomekindofabug.Ifitdies,Iwilltakeitapartandseewhatitsarrangementsare.Ineverhadathingperplexmeso.

THREEMONTHSLATER.--Theperplexityaugmentsinsteadofdiminishing.Isleepbutlittle.Ithasceasedfromlyingaround,andgoesaboutonitsfourlegsnow.Yetitdiffersfromtheotherfourleggedanimals,

inthatitsfrontlegsareunusuallyshort,consequentlythiscausesthemainpartofitspersontostickupuncomfortablyhighintheair,andthisisnotattractive.Itisbuiltmuchasweare,butitsmethodoftravelingshowsthatitisnotofourbreed.Theshortfrontlegsandlonghindonesindicatethatitisaofthekangaroofamily,butitisamarkedvariationofthatspecies,sincethetruekangaroohops,whereasthisoneneverdoes.Stillitisacuriousandinterestingvariety,andhasnotbeencataloguedbefore.AsIdiscoveredit,Ihavefeltjustifiedinsecuringthecreditofthediscoverybyattachingmynametoit,andhencehavecalleditKANGAROORUMADAMIENSIS....Itmusthavebeenayoungonewhenitcame,forithasgrownexceedinglysince.Itmustbefivetimesasbig,now,asitwasthen,andwhendiscontenteditisabletomakefromtwenty-twotothirty-eighttimesthenoiseitmade

atfirst.Coerciondoesnotmodifythis,buthasthecontraryeffect.ForthisreasonIdiscontinuedthesystem.Shereconcilesitbypersuasion,andbygivingitthingswhichshehadpreviouslytoldmeshewouldn'tgiveit.Asalreadyobserved,Iwasnotathomewhenitfirstcame,andshetoldmeshefounditinthewoods.Itseemsoddthatitshouldbetheonlyone,yetitmustbeso,forIhavewornmyselfoutthesemanyweekstryingtofindanotheronetoaddtomycollection,andforthistoplaywith;forsurelythenitwouldbequieterandwecouldtameitmoreeasily.ButIfindnone,noranyvestigeofany;andstrangestofall,notracks.Ithastoliveontheground,itcannot



helpitself;therefore,howdoesitgetaboutwithoutleavingatrack?Ihavesetadozentraps,buttheydonogood.Icatchallsmallanimalsexceptthatone;animalsthatmerelygointothetrapoutofcuriosity,Ithink,toseewhatthemilkistherefor.Theyneverdrinkit.

THREEMONTHSLATER.--TheKangaroostillcontinuestogrow,whichisverystrangeandperplexing.Ineverknewonetobesolonggettingitsgrowth.Ithasfuronitsheadnow;notlikekangaroofur,butexactlylikeourhairexceptthatitismuchfinerandsofter,andinsteadofbeingblackisred.Iamliketolosemymindoverthecapriciousandharassingdevelopmentsofthisunclassifiablezoologicalfreak.IfIcouldcatchanotherone--butthatishopeless;itisanewvariety,andtheonlysample;thisisplain.ButIcaughtatruekangarooandbroughtitin,thinkingthatthisone,beinglonesome,wouldratherhavethatforcompanythanhavenokinatall,oranyanimalitcouldfeelanearnesstoorgetsympathyfrominitsforlornconditionhereamongstrangerswhodonotknowitswaysorhabits,orwhattodotomakeitfeelthatitisamongfriends;butitwasamistake--itwentintosuchfitsatthesightofthekangaroothatIwasconvincedithadneverseenonebefore.Ipitythepoornoisylittleanimal,butthereisnothingIcandotomakeithappy.IfIcouldtameit--butthatisoutofthequestion;themoreItrytheworseIseemtomakeit.Itgrievesmetothehearttoseeitinitslittlestormsofsorrowandpassion.Iwantedtoletitgo,butshewouldn'thearofit.Thatseemedcruelandnot

likeher;andyetshemayberight.Itmightbelonelierthanever;forsinceIcannotfindanotherone,howcouldIT?

FIVEMONTHSLATER.--Itisnotakangaroo.No,foritsupportsitselfbyholdingtoherfinger,andthusgoesafewstepsonitshindlegs,andthenfallsdown.Itisprobablysomekindofabear;andyetithasnotail--asyet--andnofur,exceptuponitshead.Itstillkeepsongrowing--thatisacuriouscircumstance,forbearsgettheirgrowthearlierthanthis.Bearsaredangerous--sinceourcatastrophe--andIshallnotbesatisfiedtohavethisoneprowlingabouttheplacemuchlongerwithoutamuzzleon.Ihaveofferedtogetherakangarooifshewouldletthisonego,butitdidnogood--sheisdeterminedtorunusintoallsortsoffoolishrisks,Ithink.Shewasnotlikethisbefore

shelosthermind.

AFORTNIGHTLATER.--Iexamineditsmouth.Thereisnodangeryet:ithasonlyonetooth.Ithasnotailyet.Itmakesmorenoisenowthaniteverdidbefore--andmainlyatnight.Ihavemovedout.ButIshallgoover,mornings,tobreakfast,andseeifithasmoreteeth.Ifitgetsamouthfulofteethitwillbetimeforittogo,tailornotail,forabeardoesnotneedatailinordertobedangerous.

FOURMONTHSLATER.--Ihavebeenoffhuntingandfishingamonth,upintheregionthatshecallsBuffalo;Idon'tknowwhy,unlessitisbecausetherearenotanybuffaloesthere.Meantimethebearhaslearnedtopaddlearoundallbyitselfonitshindlegs,andsays"poppa"and

"momma."Itiscertainlyanewspecies.Thisresemblancetowordsmaybepurelyaccidental,ofcourse,andmayhavenopurposeormeaning;buteveninthatcaseitisstillextraordinary,andisathingwhichnootherbearcando.Thisimitationofspeech,takentogetherwithgeneralabsenceoffurandentireabsenceoftail,sufficientlyindicatesthatthisisanewkindofbear.Thefurtherstudyofitwillbeexceedinglyinteresting.MeantimeIwillgooffonafarexpeditionamongtheforestsofthenorthandmakeanexhaustivesearch.Theremustcertainlybeanotheronesomewhere,andthisonewillbelessdangerouswhenithascompanyofitsownspecies.Iwillgostraightway;butIwillmuzzle



thisonefirst.

THREEMONTHSLATER.--Ithasbeenaweary,wearyhunt,yetIhavehadnosuccess.Inthemeantime,withoutstirringfromthehomeestate,shehascaughtanotherone!Ineversawsuchluck.Imighthavehuntedthesewoodsahundredyears,Ineverwouldhaverunacrossthatthing.

NEXTDAY.--Ihavebeencomparingthenewonewiththeoldone,anditisperfectlyplainthattheyareofthesamebreed.Iwasgoingtostuffoneofthemformycollection,butsheisprejudicedagainstitforsomereasonorother;soIhaverelinquishedtheidea,thoughIthinkitisamistake.Itwouldbeanirreparablelosstoscienceiftheyshouldgetaway.Theoldoneistamerthanitwasandcanlaughandtalklikeaparrot,havinglearnedthis,nodoubt,frombeingwiththeparrotsomuch,andhavingtheimitativefacultyinahighdevelopeddegree.Ishallbeastonishedifitturnsouttobeanewkindofparrot;andyetIoughtnottobeastonished,forithasalreadybeeneverythingelseitcouldthinkofsincethosefirstdayswhenitwasafish.Thenewoneisasuglyastheoldonewasatfirst;hasthesamesulphur-and-raw-meatcomplexionandthesamesingularheadwithoutanyfuronit.ShecallsitAbel.

TENYEARSLATER.--TheyareBOYS;wefounditoutlongago.Itwastheircominginthatsmallimmatureshapethatpuzzledus;wewerenotusedto

it.Therearesomegirlsnow.Abelisagoodboy,butifCainhadstayedabearitwouldhaveimprovedhim.Afteralltheseyears,IseethatIwasmistakenaboutEveinthebeginning;itisbettertoliveoutsidetheGardenwithherthaninsideitwithouther.AtfirstIthoughtshetalkedtoomuch;butnowIshouldbesorrytohavethatvoicefallsilentandpassoutofmylife.Blessedbethechestnutthatbroughtusneartogetherandtaughtmetoknowthegoodnessofherheartandthesweetnessofherspirit!

EVE'SDIARY

TranslatedfromtheOriginal

SATURDAY.--Iamalmostawholedayold,now.Iarrivedyesterday.Thatisasitseemstome.Anditmustbeso,foriftherewasaday-before-yesterdayIwasnottherewhenithappened,orIshouldrememberit.Itcouldbe,ofcourse,thatitdidhappen,andthatIwasnotnoticing.Verywell;Iwillbeverywatchfulnow,andifanyday-before-yesterdayshappenIwillmakeanoteofit.Itwillbebesttostartrightandnotlettherecordgetconfused,forsomeinstinct

tellsmethatthesedetailsaregoingtobeimportanttothehistoriansomeday.ForIfeellikeanexperiment,Ifeelexactlylikeanexperiment;itwouldbeimpossibleforapersontofeelmorelikeanexperimentthanIdo,andsoIamcomingtofeelconvincedthatthatiswhatIAM--anexperiment;justanexperiment,andnothingmore.

ThenifIamanexperiment,amIthewholeofit?No,Ithinknot;Ithinktherestofitispartofit.Iamthemainpartofit,butIthinktherestofithasitsshareinthematter.Ismypositionassured,ordoIhavetowatchitandtakecareofit?Thelatter,



perhaps.Someinstincttellsmethateternalvigilanceisthepriceofsupremacy.(Thatisagoodphrase,Ithink,foronesoyoung.)

Everythinglooksbettertodaythanitdidyesterday.Intherushoffinishingupyesterday,themountainswereleftinaraggedcondition,andsomeoftheplainsweresoclutteredwithrubbishandremnantsthattheaspectswerequitedistressing.Nobleandbeautifulworksofartshouldnotbesubjectedtohaste;andthismajesticnewworldisindeedamostnobleandbeautifulwork.Andcertainlymarvelouslyneartobeingperfect,notwithstandingtheshortnessofthetime.Therearetoomanystarsinsomeplacesandnotenoughinothers,butthatcanberemediedpresently,nodoubt.Themoongotlooselastnight,andsliddownandfelloutofthescheme--averygreatloss;itbreaksmyhearttothinkofit.Thereisn'tanotherthingamongtheornamentsanddecorationsthatiscomparabletoitforbeautyandfinish.Itshouldhavebeenfastenedbetter.Ifwecanonlygetitbackagain--

Butofcoursethereisnotellingwhereitwentto.Andbesides,whoevergetsitwillhideit;IknowitbecauseIwoulddoitmyself.IbelieveIcanbehonestinallothermatters,butIalreadybegintorealizethatthecoreandcenterofmynatureisloveofthebeautiful,apassionforthebeautiful,andthatitwouldnotbesafetotrustmewithamoonthatbelongedtoanotherpersonandthatpersondidn'tknowIhadit.IcouldgiveupamoonthatIfoundinthedaytime,becauseI

shouldbeafraidsomeonewaslooking;butifIfounditinthedark,IamsureIshouldfindsomekindofanexcusefornotsayinganythingaboutit.ForIdolovemoons,theyaresoprettyandsoromantic.Iwishwehadfiveorsix;Iwouldnevergotobed;Ishouldnevergettiredlyingonthemoss-bankandlookingupatthem.

Starsaregood,too.IwishIcouldgetsometoputinmyhair.ButIsupposeInevercan.Youwouldbesurprisedtofindhowfarofftheyare,fortheydonotlookit.Whentheyfirstshowed,lastnight,Itriedtoknocksomedownwithapole,butitdidn'treach,whichastonishedme;thenItriedclodstillIwasalltiredout,butInevergotone.ItwasbecauseIamleft-handedandcannotthrowgood.EvenwhenIaimedattheoneIwasn'tafterIcouldn'thittheotherone,

thoughIdidmakesomecloseshots,forIsawtheblackblotoftheclodsailrightintothemidstofthegoldenclustersfortyorfiftytimes,justbarelymissingthem,andifIcouldhaveheldoutalittlelongermaybeIcouldhavegotone.

SoIcriedalittle,whichwasnatural,Isuppose,foroneofmyage,andafterIwasrestedIgotabasketandstartedforaplaceontheextremerimofthecircle,wherethestarswereclosetothegroundandIcouldgetthemwithmyhands,whichwouldbebetter,anyway,becauseIcouldgatherthemtenderlythen,andnotbreakthem.ButitwasfartherthanIthought,andatlastIhadgogiveitup;IwassotiredIcouldn'tdragmyfeetanotherstep;andbesides,theyweresoreandhurtmeverymuch.

Icouldn'tgetbackhome;itwastoofarandturningcold;butIfoundsometigersandnestledinamongthemandwasmostadorablycomfortable,andtheirbreathwassweetandpleasant,becausetheyliveonstrawberries.Ihadneverseenatigerbefore,butIknewtheminaminutebythestripes.IfIcouldhaveoneofthoseskins,itwouldmakealovelygown.

TodayIamgettingbetterideasaboutdistances.IwassoeagertogetholdofeveryprettythingthatIgiddilygrabbedforit,sometimeswhen



itwastoofaroff,andsometimeswhenitwasbutsixinchesawaybutseemedafoot--alas,withthornsbetween!Ilearnedalesson;alsoImadeanaxiom,alloutofmyownhead--myveryfirstone;THESCRATCHEDEXPERIMENTSHUNSTHETHORN.Ithinkitisaverygoodoneforonesoyoung.

IfollowedtheotherExperimentaround,yesterdayafternoon,atadistance,toseewhatitmightbefor,ifIcould.ButIwasnotabletomakeout.Ithinkitisaman.Ihadneverseenaman,butitlookedlikeone,andIfeelsurethatthatiswhatitis.IrealizethatIfeelmorecuriosityaboutitthanaboutanyoftheotherreptiles.Ifitisareptile,andIsupposeitis;forithasfrowzyhairandblueeyes,andlookslikeareptile.Ithasnohips;ittaperslikeacarrot;whenitstands,itspreadsitselfapartlikeaderrick;soIthinkitisareptile,thoughitmaybearchitecture.

Iwasafraidofitatfirst,andstartedtoruneverytimeitturnedaround,forIthoughtitwasgoingtochaseme;butbyandbyIfounditwasonlytryingtogetaway,soafterthatIwasnottimidanymore,buttrackeditalong,severalhours,abouttwentyyardsbehind,whichmadeitnervousandunhappy.Atlastitwasagooddealworried,andclimbedatree.Iwaitedagoodwhile,thengaveitupandwenthome.

Todaythesamethingover.I'vegotitupthetreeagain.

SUNDAY.--Itisupthereyet.Resting,apparently.Butthatisasubterfuge:Sundayisn'tthedayofrest;Saturdayisappointedforthat.Itlookstomelikeacreaturethatismoreinterestedinrestingthanitanythingelse.Itwouldtiremetorestsomuch.Ittiresmejusttositaroundandwatchthetree.Idowonderwhatitisfor;Ineverseeitdoanything.

Theyreturnedthemoonlastnight,andIwasSOhappy!Ithinkitisveryhonestofthem.Itsliddownandfelloffagain,butIwasnotdistressed;thereisnoneedtoworrywhenonehasthatkindofneighbors;theywillfetchitback.IwishIcoulddosomethingtoshowmyappreciation.Iwouldliketosendthemsomestars,forwehavemore

thanwecanuse.ImeanI,notwe,forIcanseethatthereptilecaresnothingforsuchthings.

Ithaslowtastes,andisnotkind.WhenIwentthereyesterdayeveninginthegloamingithadcreptdownandwastryingtocatchthelittlespeckledfishesthatplayinthepool,andIhadtoclodittomakeitgoupthetreeagainandletthemalone.IwonderifTHATiswhatitisfor?Hasn'titanyheart?Hasn'titanycompassionforthoselittlecreature?Canitbethatitwasdesignedandmanufacturedforsuchungentlework?Ithasthelookofit.Oneoftheclodstookitbackoftheear,anditusedlanguage.Itgavemeathrill,foritwasthefirsttimeIhadeverheardspeech,exceptmyown.Ididnotunderstandthewords,buttheyseemedexpressive.

WhenIfounditcouldtalkIfeltanewinterestinit,forIlovetotalk;Italk,allday,andinmysleep,too,andIamveryinteresting,butifIhadanothertotalktoIcouldbetwiceasinteresting,andwouldneverstop,ifdesired.

Ifthisreptileisaman,itisn'tanIT,isit?Thatwouldn'tbegrammatical,wouldit?IthinkitwouldbeHE.Ithinkso.Inthatcaseonewouldparseitthus:nominative,HE;dative,HIM;possessive,HIS'N.Well,Iwillconsideritamanandcallitheuntilitturnsouttobe



somethingelse.Thiswillbehandierthanhavingsomanyuncertainties.

NEXTWEEKSUNDAY.--AlltheweekItaggedaroundafterhimandtriedtogetacquainted.Ihadtodothetalking,becausehewasshy,butIdidn'tmindit.Heseemedpleasedtohavemearound,andIusedthesociable"we"agooddeal,becauseitseemedtoflatterhimtobeincluded.

WEDNESDAY.--Wearegettingalongverywellindeed,now,andgettingbetterandbetteracquainted.Hedoesnottrytoavoidmeanymore,whichisagoodsign,andshowsthathelikestohavemewithhim.Thatpleasesme,andIstudytobeusefultohimineverywayIcan,soastoincreasehisregard.DuringthelastdayortwoIhavetakenalltheworkofnamingthingsoffhishands,andthishasbeenagreatrelieftohim,forhehasnogiftinthatline,andisevidentlyverygrateful.Hecan'tthinkofarationalnametosavehim,butIdonotlethimseethatIamawareofhisdefect.WheneveranewcreaturecomesalongInameitbeforehehastimetoexposehimselfbyanawkwardsilence.InthiswayIhavesavedhimmanyembarrassments.Ihavenodefectlikethis.TheminuteIseteyesonananimalIknowwhatitis.Idon'thavetoreflectamoment;therightnamecomesoutinstantly,justasifitwereaninspiration,asnodoubtitis,forIamsureitwasn'tinmehalfaminutebefore.Iseemtoknowjustbytheshapeofthecreatureandthewayitactswhatanimalitis.

Whenthedodocamealonghethoughtitwasawildcat--Isawitinhiseye.ButIsavedhim.AndIwascarefulnottodoitinawaythatcouldhurthispride.Ijustspokeupinaquitenaturalwayofpleasingsurprise,andnotasifIwasdreamingofconveyinginformation,andsaid,"Well,Idodeclare,ifthereisn'tthedodo!"Iexplained--withoutseemingtobeexplaining--howIknowitforadodo,andalthoughIthoughtmaybehewasalittlepiquedthatIknewthecreaturewhenhedidn't,itwasquiteevidentthatheadmiredme.Thatwasveryagreeable,andIthoughtofitmorethanoncewithgratificationbeforeIslept.Howlittleathingcanmakeushappywhenwefeelthatwehaveearnedit!

THURSDAY.--myfirstsorrow.YesterdayheavoidedmeandseemedtowishIwouldnottalktohim.Icouldnotbelieveit,andthoughttherewassomemistake,forIlovedtobewithhim,andlovedtohearhimtalk,andsohowcoulditbethathecouldfeelunkindtowardmewhenIhadnotdoneanything?Butatlastitseemedtrue,soIwentawayandsatlonelyintheplacewhereIfirstsawhimthemorningthatweweremadeandIdidnotknowwhathewasandwasindifferentabouthim;butnowitwasamournfulplace,andeverylittlethinkspokeofhim,andmyheartwasverysore.Ididnotknowwhyveryclearly,foritwasanewfeeling;Ihadnotexperienceditbefore,anditwasallamystery,andIcouldnotmakeitout.

ButwhennightcameIcouldnotbearthelonesomeness,andwenttothe

newshelterwhichhehasbuilt,toaskhimwhatIhaddonethatwaswrongandhowIcouldmenditandgetbackhiskindnessagain;butheputmeoutintherain,anditwasmyfirstsorrow.

SUNDAY.--Itispleasantagain,now,andIamhappy;butthosewereheavydays;IdonotthinkofthemwhenIcanhelpit.

Itriedtogethimsomeofthoseapples,butIcannotlearntothrowstraight.Ifailed,butIthinkthegoodintentionpleasedhim.Theyareforbidden,andhesaysIshallcometoharm;butsoIcometoharm



throughpleasinghim,whyshallIcareforthatharm?

MONDAY.--ThismorningItoldhimmyname,hopingitwouldinteresthim.Buthedidnotcareforit.Itisstrange.Ifheshouldtellmehisname,Iwouldcare.Ithinkitwouldbepleasanterinmyearsthananyothersound.

Hetalksverylittle.Perhapsitisbecauseheisnotbright,andissensitiveaboutitandwishestoconcealit.Itissuchapitythatheshouldfeelso,forbrightnessisnothing;itisintheheartthatthevalueslie.IwishIcouldmakehimunderstandthatalovinggoodheartisriches,andrichesenough,andthatwithoutitintellectispoverty.

Althoughhetalkssolittle,hehasquiteaconsiderablevocabulary.Thismorningheusedasurprisinglygoodword.Heevidentlyrecognized,himself,thatitwasagoodone,forheworkedinintwiceafterward,casually.Itwasgoodcasualart,stillitshowedthathepossessesacertainqualityofperception.Withoutadoubtthatseedcanbemadetogrow,ifcultivated.

Wheredidhegetthatword?IdonotthinkIhaveeverusedit.

No,hetooknointerestinmyname.Itriedtohidemydisappointment,butIsupposeIdidnotsucceed.Iwentawayandsatonthemoss-bank

withmyfeetinthewater.ItiswhereIgowhenIhungerforcompanionship,someonetolookat,someonetotalkto.Itisnotenough--thatlovelywhitebodypaintedthereinthepool--butitissomething,andsomethingisbetterthanutterloneliness.IttalkswhenItalk;itissadwhenIamsad;itcomfortsmewithitssympathy;itsays,"Donotbedownhearted,youpoorfriendlessgirl;Iwillbeyourfriend."ItISagoodfriendtome,andmyonlyone;itismysister.

Thatfirsttimethatsheforsookme!ah,Ishallneverforgetthat--never,never.Myheartwasleadinmybody!Isaid,"ShewasallIhad,andnowsheisgone!"InmydespairIsaid,"Break,myheart;Icannotbearmylifeanymore!"andhidmyfaceinmyhands,andtherewasnosolaceforme.AndwhenItookthemaway,afteralittle,there

shewasagain,whiteandshiningandbeautiful,andIsprangintoherarms!

Thatwasperfecthappiness;Ihadknownhappinessbefore,butitwasnotlikethis,whichwasecstasy.Ineverdoubtedherafterward.Sometimesshestayedaway--maybeanhour,maybealmostthewholeday,butIwaitedanddidnotdoubt;Isaid,"Sheisbusy,orsheisgoneonajourney,butshewillcome."Anditwasso:shealwaysdid.Atnightshewouldnotcomeifitwasdark,forshewasatimidlittlething;butiftherewasamoonshewouldcome.Iamnotafraidofthedark,butsheisyoungerthanIam;shewasbornafterIwas.ManyandmanyarethevisitsIhavepaidher;sheismycomfortandmyrefugewhenmylifeishard--anditismainlythat.

TUESDAY.--AllthemorningIwasatworkimprovingtheestate;andIpurposelykeptawayfromhiminthehopethathewouldgetlonelyandcome.Buthedidnot.

AtnoonIstoppedforthedayandtookmyrecreationbyflittingallaboutwiththebeesandthebutterfliesandrevelingintheflowers,thosebeautifulcreaturesthatcatchthesmileofGodoutoftheskyandpreserveit!Igatheredthem,andmadethemintowreathsandgarlandsandclothedmyselfinthemwhileIatemyluncheon--apples,ofcourse;



thenIsatintheshadeandwishedandwaited.Buthedidnotcome.

Butnomatter.Nothingwouldhavecomeofit,forhedoesnotcareforflowers.Hecalledthemrubbish,andcannottellonefromanother,andthinksitissuperiortofeellikethat.Hedoesnotcareforme,hedoesnotcareforflowers,hedoesnotcareforthepaintedskyateventide--isthereanythinghedoescarefor,exceptbuildingshackstocoophimselfupinfromthegoodcleanrain,andthumpingthemelons,andsamplingthegrapes,andfingeringthefruitonthetrees,toseehowthosepropertiesarecomingalong?

Ilaidadrystickonthegroundandtriedtoboreaholeinitwithanotherone,inordertocarryoutaschemethatIhad,andsoonIgotanawfulfright.Athin,transparentbluishfilmroseoutofthehole,andIdroppedeverythingandran!Ithoughtitwasaspirit,andIWASsofrightened!ButIlookedback,anditwasnotcoming;soIleanedagainstarockandrestedandpanted,andletmylimpsgoontremblinguntiltheygotsteadyagain;thenIcreptwarilyback,alert,watching,andreadytoflyiftherewasoccasion;andwhenIwascomenear,Ipartedthebranchesofarose-bushandpeepedthrough--wishingthemanwasabout,Iwaslookingsocunningandpretty--butthespritewasgone.Iwentthere,andtherewasapinchofdelicatepinkdustinthehole.Iputmyfingerin,tofeelit,andsaidOUCH!andtookitoutagain.Itwasacruelpain.Iputmyfingerinmymouth;andbystandingfirston

onefootandthentheother,andgrunting,Ipresentlyeasedmymisery;thenIwasfullofinterest,andbegantoexamine.

Iwascurioustoknowwhatthepinkdustwas.Suddenlythenameofitoccurredtome,thoughIhadneverheardofitbefore.ItwasFIRE!Iwasascertainofitasapersoncouldbeofanythingintheworld.SowithouthesitationInameditthat--fire.

Ihadcreatedsomethingthatdidn'texistbefore;Ihadaddedanewthingtotheworld'suncountableproperties;Irealizedthis,andwasproudofmyachievement,andwasgoingtorunandfindhimandtellhimaboutit,thinkingtoraisemyselfinhisesteem--butIreflected,anddidnotdoit.No--hewouldnotcareforit.Hewouldaskwhatitwas

goodfor,andwhatcouldIanswer?forifitwasnotGOODforsomething,butonlybeautiful,merelybeautiful--SoIsighed,anddidnotgo.Foritwasn'tgoodforanything;itcouldnotbuildashack,itcouldnotimprovemelons,itcouldnothurryafruitcrop;itwasuseless,itwasafoolishnessandavanity;hewoulddespiseitandsaycuttingwords.Buttomeitwasnotdespicable;Isaid,"Oh,youfire,Iloveyou,youdaintypinkcreature,foryouareBEAUTIFUL--andthatisenough!"andwasgoingtogatherittomybreast.Butrefrained.ThenImadeanothermaximoutofmyhead,thoughitwassonearlylikethefirstonethatIwasafraiditwasonlyaplagiarism:"THEBURNTEXPERIMENTSHUNSTHEFIRE."

Iwroughtagain;andwhenIhadmadeagooddealoffire-dustIemptied

itintoahandfulofdrybrowngrass,intendingtocarryithomeandkeepitalwaysandplaywithit;butthewindstruckitanditsprayedupandspatoutatmefiercely,andIdroppeditandran.WhenIlookedbackthebluespiritwastoweringupandstretchingandrollingawaylikeacloud,andinstantlyIthoughtofthenameofit--SMOKE!--though,uponmyword,Ihadneverheardofsmokebefore.

Soonbrilliantyellowandredflaresshotupthroughthesmoke,andInamedtheminaninstant--FLAMES--andIwasright,too,thoughtheseweretheveryfirstflamesthathadeverbeenintheworld.Theyclimbed



thetrees,thenflashedsplendidlyinandoutofthevastandincreasingvolumeoftumblingsmoke,andIhadtoclapmyhandsandlaughanddanceinmyrapture,itwassonewandstrangeandsowonderfulandsobeautiful!

Hecamerunning,andstoppedandgazed,andsaidnotawordformanyminutes.Thenheaskedwhatitwas.Ah,itwastoobadthatheshouldasksuchadirectquestion.Ihadtoanswerit,ofcourse,andIdid.Isaiditwasfire.IfitannoyedhimthatIshouldknowandhemustask;thatwasnotmyfault;Ihadnodesiretoannoyhim.Afterapauseheasked:

"Howdiditcome?"

Anotherdirectquestion,anditalsohadtohaveadirectanswer.

"Imadeit."

Thefirewastravelingfartherandfartheroff.Hewenttotheedgeoftheburnedplaceandstoodlookingdown,andsaid:

"Whatarethese?"

"Fire-coals."

Hepickeduponetoexamineit,butchangedhismindandputitdownagain.Thenhewentaway.NOTHINGinterestshim.

ButIwasinterested.Therewereashes,grayandsoftanddelicateandpretty--Iknewwhattheywereatonce.Andtheembers;Iknewtheembers,too.Ifoundmyapples,andrakedthemout,andwasglad;forIamveryyoungandmyappetiteisactive.ButIwasdisappointed;theywereallburstopenandspoiled.Spoiledapparently;butitwasnotso;theywerebetterthanrawones.Fireisbeautiful;somedayitwillbeuseful,Ithink.

FRIDAY.--Isawhimagain,foramoment,lastMondayatnightfall,but

onlyforamoment.Iwashopinghewouldpraisemefortryingtoimprovetheestate,forIhadmeantwellandhadworkedhard.Buthewasnotpleased,andturnedawayandleftme.Hewasalsodispleasedonanotheraccount:ItriedoncemoretopersuadehimtostopgoingovertheFalls.Thatwasbecausethefirehadrevealedtomeanewpassion--quitenew,anddistinctlydifferentfromlove,grief,andthoseotherswhichIhadalreadydiscovered--FEAR.Anditishorrible!--IwishIhadneverdiscoveredit;itgivesmedarkmoments,itspoilsmyhappiness,itmakesmeshiverandtrembleandshudder.ButIcouldnotpersuadehim,forhehasnotdiscoveredfearyet,andsohecouldnotunderstandme.

EXTRACTFROMADAM'SDIARY

PerhapsIoughttorememberthatsheisveryyoung,ameregirlandmakeallowances.Sheisallinterest,eagerness,vivacity,theworldistoheracharm,awonder,amystery,ajoy;shecan'tspeakfordelightwhenshefindsanewflower,shemustpetitandcaressitandsmellitandtalktoit,andpouroutendearingnamesuponit.Andsheiscolor-mad:brownrocks,yellowsand,graymoss,greenfoliage,bluesky;



thepearlofthedawn,thepurpleshadowsonthemountains,thegoldenislandsfloatingincrimsonseasatsunset,thepallidmoonsailingthroughtheshreddedcloud-rack,thestar-jewelsglitteringinthewastesofspace--noneofthemisofanypracticalvalue,sofarasIcansee,butbecausetheyhavecolorandmajesty,thatisenoughforher,andsheloseshermindoverthem.Ifshecouldquietdownandkeepstillacoupleminutesatatime,itwouldbeareposefulspectacle.InthatcaseIthinkIcouldenjoylookingather;indeedIamsureIcould,forIamcomingtorealizethatsheisaquiteremarkablycomelycreature--lithe,slender,trim,rounded,shapely,nimble,graceful;andoncewhenshewasstandingmarble-whiteandsun-drenchedonaboulder,withheryoungheadtiltedbackandherhandshadinghereyes,watchingtheflightofabirdinthesky,Irecognizedthatshewasbeautiful.

MONDAYNOON.--Ifthereisanythingontheplanetthatsheisnotinterestedinitisnotinmylist.ThereareanimalsthatIamindifferentto,butitisnotsowithher.Shehasnodiscrimination,shetakestoallofthem,shethinkstheyarealltreasures,everynewoneiswelcome.

Whenthemightybrontosauruscamestridingintocamp,sheregardeditasanacquisition,Iconsidereditacalamity;thatisagoodsampleofthelackofharmonythatprevailsinourviewsofthings.Shewantedtodomesticateit,Iwantedtomakeitapresentofthehomesteadandmove

out.Shebelieveditcouldbetamedbykindtreatmentandwouldbeagoodpet;Isaidapettwenty-onefeethighandeighty-fourfeetlongwouldbenoproperthingtohaveabouttheplace,because,evenwiththebestintentionsandwithoutmeaninganyharm,itcouldsitdownonthehouseandmashit,foranyonecouldseebythelookofitseyethatitwasabsent-minded.

Still,herheartwassetuponhavingthatmonster,andshecouldn'tgiveitup.Shethoughtwecouldstartadairywithit,andwantedmetohelpmilkit;butIwouldn't;itwastoorisky.Thesexwasn'tright,andwehadn'tanyladderanyway.Thenshewantedtorideit,andlookatthescenery.Thirtyorfortyfeetofitstailwaslyingontheground,likeafallentree,andshethoughtshecouldclimbit,butshewasmistaken;

whenshegottothesteepplaceitwastooslickanddownshecame,andwouldhavehurtherselfbutforme.

Wasshesatisfiednow?No.Nothingeversatisfiesherbutdemonstration;untestedtheoriesarenotinherline,andshewon'thavethem.Itistherightspirit,Iconcedeit;itattractsme;Ifeeltheinfluenceofit;ifIwerewithhermoreIthinkIshouldtakeitupmyself.Well,shehadonetheoryremainingaboutthiscolossus:shethoughtthatifwecouldtameitandmakehimfriendlywecouldstandintheriverandusehimforabridge.Itturnedoutthathewasalreadyplentytameenough--atleastasfarasshewasconcerned--soshetriedhertheory,butitfailed:everytimeshegothimproperlyplacedintheriverandwentashoretocrossoverhim,hecameoutandfollowedheraroundlike

apetmountain.Liketheotheranimals.Theyalldothat.

FRIDAY.--Tuesday--Wednesday--Thursday--andtoday:allwithoutseeinghim.Itisalongtimetobealone;still,itisbettertobealonethanunwelcome.

IHADtohavecompany--Iwasmadeforit,Ithink--soImadefriendswiththeanimals.Theyarejustcharming,andtheyhavethekindestdispositionandthepolitestways;theyneverlooksour,theyneverlet



youfeelthatyouareintruding,theysmileatyouandwagtheirtail,ifthey'vegotone,andtheyarealwaysreadyforaromporanexcursionoranythingyouwanttopropose.Ithinktheyareperfectgentlemen.Allthesedayswehavehadsuchgoodtimes,andithasn'tbeenlonesomeforme,ever.Lonesome!No,Ishouldsaynot.Why,there'salwaysaswarmofthemaround--sometimesasmuchasfourorfiveacres--youcan'tcountthem;andwhenyoustandonarockinthemidstandlookoutoverthefurryexpanseitissomottledandsplashedandgaywithcolorandfriskingsheenandsun-flash,andsorippledwithstripes,thatyoumightthinkitwasalake,onlyyouknowitisn't;andthere'sstormsofsociablebirds,andhurricanesofwhirringwings;andwhenthesunstrikesallthatfeatherycommotion,youhaveablazingupofallthecolorsyoucanthinkof,enoughtoputyoureyesout.

Wehavemadelongexcursions,andIhaveseenagreatdealoftheworld;almostallofit,Ithink;andsoIamthefirsttraveler,andtheonlyone.Whenweareonthemarch,itisanimposingsight--there'snothinglikeitanywhere.ForcomfortIrideatigeroraleopard,becauseitissoftandhasaroundbackthatfitsme,andbecausetheyaresuchprettyanimals;butforlongdistanceorforsceneryIridetheelephant.Hehoistsmeupwithhistrunk,butIcangetoffmyself;whenwearereadytocamp,hesitsandIslidedownthebackway.

Thebirdsandanimalsareallfriendlytoeachother,andthereareno

disputesaboutanything.Theyalltalk,andtheyalltalktome,butitmustbeaforeignlanguage,forIcannotmakeoutawordtheysay;yettheyoftenunderstandmewhenItalkback,particularlythedogandtheelephant.Itmakesmeashamed.ItshowsthattheyarebrighterthanIam,forIwanttobetheprincipalExperimentmyself--andIintendtobe,too.

Ihavelearnedanumberofthings,andameducated,now,butIwasn'tatfirst.Iwasignorantatfirst.Atfirstitusedtovexmebecause,withallmywatching,Iwasneversmartenoughtobearoundwhenthewaterwasrunninguphill;butnowIdonotmindit.IhaveexperimentedandexperimenteduntilnowIknowitneverdoesrunuphill,exceptinthedark.Iknowitdoesinthedark,becausethepoolnevergoesdry,which

itwould,ofcourse,ifthewaterdidn'tcomebackinthenight.Itisbesttoprovethingsbyactualexperiment;thenyouKNOW;whereasifyoudependonguessingandsupposingandconjecturing,younevergeteducated.

SomethingsyouCAN'Tfindout;butyouwillneverknowyoucan'tbyguessingandsupposing:no,youhavetobepatientandgoonexperimentinguntilyoufindoutthatyoucan'tfindout.Anditisdelightfultohaveitthatway,itmakestheworldsointeresting.Iftherewasn'tanythingtofindout,itwouldbedull.Eventryingtofindoutandnotfindingoutisjustasinterestingastryingtofindoutandfindingout,andIdon'tknowbutmoreso.ThesecretofthewaterwasatreasureuntilIGOTit;thentheexcitementallwentaway,andI

recognizedasenseofloss.

ByexperimentIknowthatwoodswims,anddryleaves,andfeathers,andplentyofotherthings;thereforebyallthatcumulativeevidenceyouknowthatarockwillswim;butyouhavetoputupwithsimplyknowingit,forthereisn'tanywaytoproveit--uptonow.ButIshallfindaway--thenTHATexcitementwillgo.Suchthingsmakemesad;becausebyandbywhenIhavefoundouteverythingtherewon'tbeanymoreexcitements,andIdoloveexcitementsso!TheothernightIcouldn'tsleepforthinkingaboutit.



AtfirstIcouldn'tmakeoutwhatIwasmadefor,butnowIthinkitwastosearchoutthesecretsofthiswonderfulworldandbehappyandthanktheGiverofitallfordevisingit.Ithinktherearemanythingstolearnyet--Ihopeso;andbyeconomizingandnothurryingtoofastIthinktheywilllastweeksandweeks.Ihopeso.Whenyoucastupafeatheritsailsawayontheairandgoesoutofsight;thenyouthrowupaclodanditdoesn't.Itcomesdown,everytime.Ihavetrieditandtriedit,anditisalwaysso.Iwonderwhyitis?OfcourseitDOESN'Tcomedown,butwhyshoulditSEEMto?Isupposeitisanopticalillusion.Imean,oneofthemis.Idon'tknowwhichone.Itmaybethefeather,itmaybetheclod;Ican'tprovewhichitis,Icanonlydemonstratethatoneortheotherisafake,andletapersontakehischoice.

Bywatching,Iknowthatthestarsarenotgoingtolast.Ihaveseensomeofthebestonesmeltandrundownthesky.Sinceonecanmelt,theycanallmelt;sincetheycanallmelt,theycanallmeltthesamenight.Thatsorrowwillcome--Iknowit.ImeantositupeverynightandlookatthemaslongasIcankeepawake;andIwillimpressthosesparklingfieldsonmymemory,sothatbyandbywhentheyaretakenawayIcanbymyfancyrestorethoselovelymyriadstotheblackskyandmakethemsparkleagain,anddoublethembytheblurofmytears.

AftertheFall

WhenIlookback,theGardenisadreamtome.Itwasbeautiful,surpassinglybeautiful,enchantinglybeautiful;andnowitislost,andIshallnotseeitanymore.

TheGardenislost,butIhavefoundHIM,andamcontent.Helovesmeaswellashecan;Ilovehimwithallthestrengthofmypassionatenature,andthis,Ithink,ispropertomyyouthandsex.IfIaskmyselfwhyIlovehim,IfindIdonotknow,anddonotreallymuchcaretoknow;soIsupposethatthiskindofloveisnotaproduct

ofreasoningandstatistics,likeone'sloveforotherreptilesandanimals.Ithinkthatthismustbeso.Ilovecertainbirdsbecauseoftheirsong;butIdonotloveAdamonaccountofhissinging--no,itisnotthat;themorehesingsthemoreIdonotgetreconciledtoit.YetIaskhimtosing,becauseIwishtolearntolikeeverythingheisinterestedin.IamsureIcanlearn,becauseatfirstIcouldnotstandit,butnowIcan.Itsoursthemilk,butitdoesn'tmatter;Icangetusedtothatkindofmilk.

ItisnotonaccountofhisbrightnessthatIlovehim--no,itisnotthat.Heisnottoblameforhisbrightness,suchasitis,forhedidnotmakeithimself;heisasGodmakehim,andthatissufficient.Therewasawisepurposeinit,THATIknow.Intimeitwilldevelop,

thoughIthinkitwillnotbesudden;andbesides,thereisnohurry;heiswellenoughjustasheis.

ItisnotonaccountofhisgraciousandconsideratewaysandhisdelicacythatIlovehim.No,hehaslacksinthisregard,butheiswellenoughjustso,andisimproving.

ItisnotonaccountofhisindustrythatIlovehim--no,itisnotthat.Ithinkhehasitinhim,andIdonotknowwhyheconcealsitfromme.Itismyonlypain.Otherwiseheisfrankandopenwithme,



now.Iamsurehekeepsnothingfrommebutthis.Itgrievesmethatheshouldhaveasecretfromme,andsometimesitspoilsmysleep,thinkingofit,butIwillputitoutofmymind;itshallnottroublemyhappiness,whichisotherwisefulltooverflowing.

ItisnotonaccountofhiseducationthatIlovehim--no,itisnotthat.Heisself-educated,anddoesreallyknowamultitudeofthings,buttheyarenotso.

ItisnotonaccountofhischivalrythatIlovehim--no,itisnotthat.Hetoldonme,butIdonotblamehim;itisapeculiarityofsex,Ithink,andhedidnotmakehissex.OfcourseIwouldnothavetoldonhim,Iwouldhaveperishedfirst;butthatisapeculiarityofsex,too,andIdonottakecreditforit,forIdidnotmakemysex.

ThenwhyisitthatIlovehim?MERELYBECAUSEHEISMASCULINE,Ithink.

Atbottomheisgood,andIlovehimforthat,butIcouldlovehimwithoutit.Ifheshouldbeatmeandabuseme,Ishouldgoonlovinghim.Iknowit.Itisamatterofsex,Ithink.

Heisstrongandhandsome,andIlovehimforthat,andIadmirehimandamproudofhim,butIcouldlovehimwithoutthosequalities.Hehewereplain,Ishouldlovehim;ifhewereawreck,Ishouldlove

him;andIwouldworkforhim,andslaveoverhim,andprayforhim,andwatchbyhisbedsideuntilIdied.

Yes,IthinkIlovehimmerelybecauseheisMINEandisMASCULINE.Thereisnootherreason,Isuppose.AndsoIthinkitisasIfirstsaid:thatthiskindofloveisnotaproductofreasoningsandstatistics.ItjustCOMES--noneknowswhence--andcannotexplainitself.Anddoesn'tneedto.

ItiswhatIthink.ButIamonlyagirl,thefirstthathasexaminedthismatter,anditmayturnoutthatinmyignoranceandinexperienceIhavenotgotitright.

FortyYearsLater

Itismyprayer,itismylonging,thatwemaypassfromthislifetogether--alongingwhichshallneverperishfromtheearth,butshallhaveplaceintheheartofeverywifethatloves,untiltheendoftime;anditshallbecalledbymyname.

Butifoneofusmustgofirst,itismyprayerthatitshallbeI;forheisstrong,Iamweak,Iamnotsonecessarytohimasheistome--lifewithouthimwouldnotbelife;nowcouldIendureit?Thisprayerisalsoimmortal,andwillnotceasefrombeingofferedupwhile

myracecontinues.Iamthefirstwife;andinthelastwifeIshallberepeated.

AtEve'sGrave

ADAM:Wheresoevershewas,THEREwasEden.

THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain

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Transcript of THE $30,000 BEQUEST and Other Stories by Mark Twain