He’s looking at you, on this page here. Is he savvy or simply lost and looking for meaning in a cruel, cruel world? Who knows? Page 32

This guy!

Sports!

Local man looks to go pro in Rubik’s Cube Solving. “He’s a real pro, I think he’ll go the distance,” says coach. Page №12

Art?

Local artist hacks into area newspaper, he says that this is ‘art.’ Page 1000

TEH RORRIMTEH RORRIMTEH RORRIMTelling news until the inevitable robotic uprising in 3099

Currently trapped inthis very small printed boxwhat’s with all the lines?

Table of contents:Bad Advice 27

Free iPods 005

Ingredients 3.14

Homework 901

Gum Wrapper ½

Cat Photos 101

Vol. ¿, Num. o.0April 1, 2014

Jo-el Rodeo | The MirrorJeffery Oso rolls across campus on a typical school day. Bear maulings have increased by 350% across campus, but that may be a coincidence.

Transfer student making tough transitionBai Lynesports@uncmirror.com

Oftentimes, student-athletes will transfer from one institution to another for a better op-portunity at playing time or because of differ-ences of opinion with coaches.

Jeffery Oso had a disagreement with his wrestling coach at the University of Maine, and the result is a talented, if unproven, wres-tler transferring to the University of Northern Colorado.

“ R O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O A AA A A A A A A A A A A A R R R R R R R R R RAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR,” he said to The Mirror in an in-depth interview last week. “ROOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR.”

$QG�2VR�LV�ULJKW��KH�UHDOO\�GLGQ·W�ÀW�LQ�ZLWK�the Black Bears of Maine, being a 8-foot-2

grizzly from the Canadian Rockies. The cul-WXUH�MXVW�ZDVQ·W�D�ÀW��DQG�2VR�GHFLGHG�LW�ZDV�time for him to move on.

The Mirror was able to contact Maine coach Karl Tragen, who had a similar per-spective on Oso’s transfer.

“Our system is more based on quickness and movement in small spaces—that’s re-ally where we shine: sleights of hand and strategy rather than pure strength, which is Jeff’s… um… strength,” Tragen said. “We’ve never had a recruit like him, so we didn’t re-ally know what to do to help him improve his game.”

UNC head coach Ben Cherrington said he believes his staff can help Oso shine.

“He’s still just a cub, really,” Cherrington said. “We’re planning on using this next hi-bernation season as a redshirt year and getting him used to being back in the Rocky Moun-tain region where he belongs.”

Despite his obvious physical abilities, Oso has had his fair share of struggles.

As a freshman at Maine, Oso was forced to forfeit all of his matches because he couldn’t ÀW�LQWR�HYHQ�WKH�KHDY\ZHLJKW�EUDFNHW��ZHLJK-ing as much as 700 pounds despite a diet that ZDV�ODUJHO\�EDVHG�RQ�EHUULHV�DQG�ÀVK�

“I think that Atlantic farm salmon really didn’t help him much,” Tragen said. “Many of RXU�DWKOHWHV�FXW�EDFN�RQ�WKH�ÀVK�DQG�IRFXV�SUL-marily on a vegetarian diet, but Jeff Oso just couldn’t get enough. He even ate the cans.”

When asked about the weight restrictions involved in wrestling, Oso appeared to be-come agitated.

“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR,” he said as he charged an unsuspecting reporter. “GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAA [end of interview].”

SNEWSSNEWS

@yaboy: Holla.

April 1, 2014

This week around: Editor: Alexsangria Anita Drink

@yaboyPage 2Many—Teh RORRIM SNEWS

University to offer Klingon courseThe University of Northern

Colorado will be offering a class

in conversational Klingon in fall

of 2014.

Professor Jorel son of Worf

will be offering a six week class

for students that will cover basic

greetings, battle challenges and

introduce low-level bat’leth com-

bat. It will also discuss 689 hon-

orable ways of dying in combat.

“This semester is a good se-

mester to die...from my brutal

midterm,” son of Worf said.

School leader Mary Kay

wished to remind students that no

one will actually die in the course.

“While Jorel’s course will be

GLIÀFXOW�� WKH� ZRUVW� \RX� FDQ� H[-

pect is honorable battle wounds,

not death,” Kay said.

di-hydrogen monoxide blurring

P\�ÀHOG�RI�YLVLRQ�µ�VDLG�$PDQGD�Huggenkiss. “It was extremely

terrifying.”

Due to the sudden outbreak,

Greeley residents should edu-

cate themselves further on this

compound. Symptoms include

excessive perspiration, extreme

loss of dilute urine, increased

skin turgor and an all-around

feeling of well-being.

For information on this com-

pound, visit http://en.wikipedia.

org/wiki/Water.

Water contaminated by di-hydrogen monoxide Greeley residents are in a

panic because of a recent study

that showed the city’s water con-

taining a dangerously high con-

centration of di-hydrogen mon-

oxide.

6WXGLHV� KDYH� FRQÀUPHG�through testing and observation

that both drinking fountains and

pool systems are wildly contami-

nated with this potentially dead-

ly compound.

The City of Greeley’s water

and sewage department are still

unsure of the actions they must

take to suppress this compound

from both our public and private

water systems.

“I was swimming in at Gree-

ley Recreational Center when I

noticed the excessive amounts of

SomeSnews:

Photo of the millenniumPolice blotter The following are completely made up:

Duodi, Germinal 12

Police responded to a local ruckus that was caused after a 20-year-old male attempted to return a grape at a local grocery story.

Quintidi, Germinal 15

At 0:80:64 p.m. police were called to help a kitty off a syca-more tree on the 500 block of 14th Ave.

Septidi, Germinal 17

3:72:51 p.m. police responded to an intrusion alarm that turned out to be a particularly annoying alarm clock in Gordon Hall. Of-ÀFHUV� ZRNH� WKH� VWXGHQW� XS� DQG�told him to get to class.

At 9:12:89 p.m. police received a call about a wolf-like dog on the 2000 block of 8th St. The dog was brought in for questioning.

Stuff from the interweb#@#!&

Eat your heart out, Ellen.

1L�L�%H�RL�IHzz�P��0`��L�`�MH���P���������

April 1, 2014Good chance that the staff of The Mirror revels in their untoward mischief.

April 4, 2014UPG Presents seminar on watching paint dry, followed by three-hour live practice session.

July 8, 2019Birthday of the supreme dictator of the world. Little does he know that the brutal coup begins with the ninja hidden in his birthday cake.

April 28, 2020Mud wrestling class.

�#�����E@����0���OL��P��H�OH����L��H�K���������!

April 30, 2029Lactation class.

June 25, 2031Underwater basket weaving.

��$6'��=%111)���MROIMK�OQIKMR�z��R��NM�

March 24, 2078World premier theatrical showing of “Baywatch: The Musical.” 7 p.m. at the Fangwertie Teatre.

�������&�I���P��0HQ���/LHN�L�>��zK�6L��PL��

September 2, 2089Cow stampede.

November 13, 2121John Stockton appreciation day.

December 7, 2179A day that will live in infamy.

The year 2525If man is still alive: If woman can sur-YLYH��WKH\�PD\�ÀQG�,Q�WKH�\HDU�����$LQ·W�JRQQD�QHHG�WR�WHOO�WKH�WUXWK��WHOO�no lie. Everything you think, do and say. Is in the pill you took today.

3099News will cease after the robots revolt.

��E ��!!"""!0+=)�OKMNQ�MK�OR�`�PIMR����JR�QK��QRzMO

Conversational tlhIngan Segh

offering ben DuSaQ’a’Daq DawI’

SoH Northern Colorado qaStaH-

vIS 2014 pum.

jav-Hogh Segh bISay’qa’

ghojmoHwI’’a’ jorel puqloD

wo’rIv qolIy’ey ‘ej QuQ basic

ghaH ‘ej Duvan, may’ qaD yu-

vtlhe’ ‘ej low-level jI’ovlaHbe’

Hembogh DujDaj lIH. je ja’chuq

689 quv ways qaStaHvIS Hem-

bogh DujDaj Hegh.

“semester QaQ semester,

Hegh... brutal midterm, vo’” jatlh

puqloD wo’rIv.

qolIy’ey ‘ej QuQ mojpu’ Hegh

pagh qaStaHvIS He qawmoH

vIneH DuSaQ DevwI’ mary kay.

“poStaHvIS jorel He Qatlh,

quv may’ rIQ, not Hegh, worst laH

pIHbe’ SoH” jatlh SuvwI’ kay.

April 1, 2014 Teh RORRIM—Page 3.14MORE STUFF

An “Artistic” ReviewBy the Biz

For a show called “Thinking About Some Stuff,” Joseph Stevensen’s art show actually does re-quire a surprising amount of thought. Visitors said their mind rang with things as diverse as “Seriously?” to “Who let this man have an art show?”

Standing in front of Ste-vensen’s Spam woodcut, one thinks, “Why is he en-couraging the canned meats industry? What does Spam taste like, and will it give me cancer? Is Joseph Ste-vensen trying to give me cancer?”

Stevensen’s “art show” was on display at The Geek Store for the month of March. His show turned the walls of the local comic book establishment into a

confusing meld of color, technology and the worst foods imaginable.

Stevensen doesn’t sim-ply use color like one might a dry cleaner or a call girl. Stevensen dispatches color on his work in a meaning-OHVV�ÁXUU\�OLNH�D�UDLQERZ�RQ�a bender.

If the double rainbow guy saw this show, the In-ternet would be blessed with another 17 and a half minutes of dumbstruck awe.

The use of color has a practical purpose. Individu-ally, each piece is hard to enjoy. Still frames of ev-eryday objects, washed out Pollock rip-offs.

It’s like the concept for the show was “An Art Show About Nothing.” However, by their powers combined, the entire show contains so much color that all mean-ing is lost as the audience is

swept into pure delirium. After sincerely asking

KHU� QRQ�)DFHERRN� RIÀFLDO�boyfriend if the color she perceived as red was the same color that he saw as red, sophomore human ser-vices major Michelle Step focused in on a particular woodcut.

“I think the way he merges technology and con-sumerism is interesting,” Step said. “Like, this is just so poetic. He’s taken the Tab key, a symbol of mov-ing on in the technological age, and transferred it to a pop can. I don’t understand why the can is pink, though. Like, let a Coke be a Coke.”

Controversy began to swirl around this piece as Leonard Hicks of Ault for-got all social graces and in-terjected.

“We’re in ‘merica and Coke we drink is red,”

Hicks said. “I am so sick of this heal-the-world liberal BS.”

Step’s “it’s complicated whatever” Patrick Young-man stepped in to ease the tension.

“I think it’s just a state-PHQW� DERXW� JHQGHU� ÁXLG-ity,” He said. “But it’s been done. It’s all been done. Do you want to go make out in the van, babe?”

3HRSOH� ÁHHLQJ� WKH� VWRUH�after viewing the show were not uncommon, according to Dodge Parry, owner of The Geek Store.

He also reported shop-lifting to be up 42 percent for the month of March. Al-though there is no concrete proof linking Stevensen’s work to a rise in theft, Parry said he is considering press-ing civil and criminal charg-es against Stevensen.

“He wasn’t even given

permission to put a show up,” Parry said. “One day some guy in a bowtie just showed up with a hammer

and started putting art on the walls. There are holes now. Who is gonna take care of that?”

Courtesy of the “Artist”One of the offending “art” works featuring subversive commie propaganda.

So-called “artist” offends nearly everyone

CLASSY-FYEDSCLASSY-FYEDSCLASSY-FYEDSAutomotive

For Sale

12-year-old Rocky Mountain Burro, goes by the name of “Sparkles.” Great gas mileage, a companionable sort of trasportation. Will not sell to prospectors or banditos.

Personnals

Lost connection

Hey, babe. You remember me right? I was that one dude down the bar that sent you the appletini with the note that said, “Girl you must be Jamaican because Jamaican me crazy.” You walked out with some loser after that, but I think we probably still have got something going. Call me

555-UNI-TGTR

MSW

Lonely, hopeless man in a self-loathing place in life looking for someone to commiserate with. Tired of making out with television. If you’re into guys who haven’t gotten over their last relationship despite being single for three years, I’m awaiting your call. Must not be better at COD than I am. Email me at chic_magnet80085@aol.com

WSW

Sexy lady of certain dimensions needed. This is totally an ad placed by an equally sexy woman, not a man with a ridiculous plan. Serious inquiries only. Again, this is a lady. BFF needed to add whimsy to my life. Must love rom

coms, iced lattes and shower crying, but only after a long day. Must hate the patriarchy, jeggings and non-fat anything. Who do they think they’re fooling? Call me, girlfriend, 970-BFF-4EVA.

WSM

Wanted: a man whose HI½RMXMSR� SJ� WI\]� MRGPYHIW�2IX¾M\�� E� HEXI� [MXL� 1EV]�Jane and Chinese take out. Willing to give: unlimited video game time with man-friends, pitch for beer and a free pass for all instances of gas.

MSM

Man crush needed. Strictly platonic, but I do think the position is best suited to someone with rock-solid forearms and dreamy eyes.

Rants and raves

That one dude who sits in front of me in line at Taco Bell and always makes the same joke about “Toxic Hell” to the cashier. Stop it. No one thinks you’re funny. Just get your enchirito and move along. Also, stop stealing all the sporks.

Lost

Pet

25 foot long Boa Constrictor. Responds to the name of Cuddles. A companionable sort with a quiet side, though bring up Ross Perot and he won’t shut up for hours. Call Snuffy 101-555-6730.

Best friend

Named Snuffy. Got upset after a converstion about

Ross Perot and stormed off, but I still like him and want to hang out. Call Cuddles at 102-177-7789

Marbles

Found

Reborn Faith in Humanity

Discovered after watching a heart-warming news story on the 5 p.m. news. If you are missing this, call me and I’ll tell you the story about this girl who helped this guy with some stuff and it was really good. Call Yvonne: 867-530-9999.

Help Wanted

Curling Team

Looking for enthusiastic applicants who want to

sweep the competition. Preferably Canadian. Norwegian curling pants encouraged but not required. If interested, please read The Mirror’s curling guide.

Housekeeping

MiscellaneousMerchandise

Hey Matt, the restroom’s out of toilet paper again. Also we were talking it out as a staff, and we’d all like 10-pound Hershey’s bars with our names on them—one a day for the rest of the school year. Also, there was ER� MRGMHIRX� MR� ]SYV� SJ½GI��You might want to keep the window open for a while. The parties involved are not sorry.

April 1, 2014 Teh RORRIM—Page 4 U

Size Doesn’t Matter: A Q&A with self employed photographer, Adolf Oliver Nepples

Quick Bio: Adolf Oliver Nepples is the son of a wealthy coal miner, and his mother ran the only non-dough bakery in the city.

All his life he wanted to be the best artist he could be. It was not until he had passed grade school that doctors realized he was color blind.

All he ever wanted to be was really, re-ally, really, ridiculously good looking. So eveything he photographs is supposed to EH� D� UHÁHFWLRQ� RI� KLV� DPD]LQJ� SK\VLTXH�and personality.

4��:KR�ZDV�\RXU�ÀUVW�FUXVK"$��'HÀQLWHO\�P\�NLQGHUJDUWHQ�WHDFKHU��

+HU� QDPH� ZDV� 0V�� 3KXFNLÀNQRZ�� 6KH�wore lipstick, and she really had it going on.

4��+RZ�GR�\RX�IHHO�DERXW�ERRNV"A: A book is just an old fashioned vid-

eo game. They are for old people. 4��:KDW�ZDV�WKH�ÀUVW�FDPHUD�\RX�HYHU�

RZQHG"A: I don’t really own a camera they

own me… with leather. 4��'R�\RX�KDYH�D�OLIH�PRWWR"A: Do it for the lolz. And you pronounce

that as the whole word, not the acronym. %DOOV�WR�WKH�ZDOOV��.QRZKDWLPHDQ"

Q: How do you feel about your job being taken over by the app Insta-JUDP"�

A: It’s not. Can Instagram work a 4x5 FDPHUD"��UHDOWDON

Q: I was once told you were the most KDQGVRPH�RI�WKH�HGLWRULDO�VWDII��LV�LW�WUXH"

A: Yes. 4��:KDW·V�\RXU�IDYRULWH�ZRUG"A: Panties. It rolls off the tongue

nicely, especially if you enunciate the T. .QRZKDWLPHDQ"�

Q: What would you say is your most SK\VLFDOO\�DWWUDFWLYH�TXDOLW\"�

A: Yes. Q: If you could go back in time, what

GDWH�ZRXOG�\RX�FKRRVH"A: The day before the Super Bowl 48

and I would bet everything I had against WKH�%URQFRV���*R6HDKDZNV�

4��:KDW�LV�\RXU�ELJJHVW�IHDU"A: Oh, the dark. It’s hard being a pho-

tographer and having to be spend so much time in the dark.

Q: How do you feel about old people DQG�)DFHERRN"�

A: It’s just misinformed aunts telling me I can’t cuss. That, and they believed Morgan Freeman died.

4��+RZ�GR�\RX�XQZLQG"A: Usually a joint or four. 4��%R[HUV�RU�EULHIV"�

A: Depending on the guy. ;)Q: Stuck on an island and you can only

EULQJ�WKUHH�LWHPV��ZKDW�DUH�WKH\"A: A boat, sushi chef and hose. Q: Would you rather be Indiana Jones

RU�+DQ�6ROR"A: I would rather be their child. Q: If you had a superpower, what

ZRXOG�LW�EH"

$��7R�Á\��,W·V�DOPRVW�DV�IDVW�DV�WHOHSRUW-ing.

4��:KDW·V�\RXU�IDYRULWH�VRQJ"A: “Ding the Fries are Done.”Q: If you had a band name, what would

LW�EH"A: The Rocksuckers. Q: If you were president, what would

EH�WKH�ÀUVW�WKLQJ�\RX�ZRXOG�GR"A: Hire Banksy to redecorate the White

House. 4��'R�\RX�KDYH�D�GLYD"A: I’m a Madonna. I think I’m British. 4��%DFNVWUHHW�%R\V�RU�16<1&"$��1HLWKHU��,�SUHIHU�/)2����DUH\RXNLG-

GLQJPH��FKLQHVHIRRGPDNHVPHVLFN�4��:RXOG�\RX�UDWKHU�EH�EOLQG�RU�GHDI"A: Both, because my energy comes

IURP�ZLWKLQ�DQG�,�ZLOO�DOZD\V�ÀQG�D�ZD\�to share my art with the world.

Q: Are you more of a dog or cat per-VRQ"

A: I’m more of a life person. If it breathes, purrs or barks, they have a place in my life.

Q: What are some of your largest in-VSLUDWLRQV"�

A: I would have to say Salvador Dali because he was a man who always knew what time it was. I respect that. Plus, his art made me scream. Anyone who does that is my hero.

An artist with more photo filters in his life than any app

The photographer