Supporting CYP and Schools through Loss and berevement · Supporting the bereaved child 19...

Supporting Children, Young People and Schools through Bereavement and Loss

Derby City Targeted Mental Health In Schools (TaMHS)

2 Supporting Children, Young People and Schools through Berevement and Loss

ContentsForeword 3 Acknowledgements 4 Introduction 5

Section 1 The grieving process 7

Emotions during bereavement and loss 8Understanding ages and stages of grief 11Understanding religious and cultural aspects 14

Section 2 Supporting the bereaved 19

Supporting the bereaved child 19Supporting the parents and carers 23Supporting all staff 24Supporting the whole school community/working with bereaved parents 25Supporting the friends 26Supporting into the future 27

Section 3 Dealing with bereavement through traumatic circumstances 33

Sudden death and suicide 33Terminal illness 34Critical incidents 35Asylum Seeking Refugees, New to English, Forced Marriage 36Managing the media 37

Section 4 Bereavement and Loss through the Curriculum 39

Section 5 Resources 41

Books for Children 41Books for Adults 45Workbooks 47Audio Visual 48Support agencies 49Organisations offering support 50Frequently asked questions 51

Section 6 Appendices 57

Secondary Effects of Childhood Bereavement 57Letter templates 58After the event 60References 63

Supporting Children, Young People and Schools through Berevement and Loss 3

ForewordWe would like to commend to you this Derby City guidance on Supporting Children, Young People and Schools through Bereavement and Loss.

We all focus our energies on the positive developments that education and school communities can generate for children and young people, whilst no doubt hoping that the less comfortable experiences of our humanity do not cast a shadow over our work. But life is not like that. Each year we are all reminded in various ways of the distress, pain and anxiety that can befall individuals, families and communities. The death of someone close to us or the loss generated by a traumatic change in personal relationships can leave us wondering how do we cope with this changed situation.

The experience of bereavement and loss is profound and can have a signifi cant impact on children and young people’s personal and social development and on their ability to learn. For adults working within a close knit community such as a school, the death of a child, a family member or member of staff can also have far reaching implications and leave people feeling unsure how best to cope and how to respond. This guidance is a resource to support schools at such times as well as offering strategies to support a school through such experiences.

We are grateful to colleagues in the service who have spent some time working on this important guidance to schools. They have also consulted widely with a range of professionals within and beyond the educational community. We are grateful too for the time given by Headteachers, who have recently had to deal with bereavement and loss in their own schools, for sharing their experience with the authors.

Graham FalgateDerby City Education Offi cer for PSHE, Citizenship and RE.

Mick PitchfordHead of Service for STePS and Principle Educational Psychologist


AcknowledgementsThis guidance has been compiled by:

Pat Greatorex, Educational Psychologist, Derby City Specialist Teaching and Psychology Service (STePS)Joanne Moore, Derby City Healthy Schools Project Worker for Emotional Health and Well-beingAnn Partridge, CRUSE Bereavement WorkerMarsha Ragsdell, Derby City Inclusion Consultant and CRUSE Bereavement Worker

Grateful thanks must go to the following people and organisations for their contribution and support during the making of this guidance. We would especially like to thank the schools who have contributed case studies:

Alvaston Infant and Nursery SchoolOakwood Junior Schoolda Vinci Community CollegeLittleover Community SchoolGraham Falgate, Derby City Education Offi cer for PSHE, Citizenship and Religious EducationMick Pitchford, Principal Educational Psychologist, Derby City STePSHeather Handley, Administrative Assistant, Derby City Children and Young People’s Services Gloucestershire Children and Young People’s ServiceCRUSE Bereavement CareWinston’s WishThe Laura CentreChildhood Bereavement NetworkParentline Plus.

This guidance is part of a support pack which also includes;

Help is at Hand - guidance produced by the Department of Health on dealing with suicide and other sudden, traumatic death.Coping When Someone Has Died - An information CD Rom designed to help children, their families and their teachers with the trauma of bereavement.

To further support this guidance three resource boxes have also been produced. There is one box for each age range; Foundation Stage/Key Stage 1, Key Stage 2 and Key Stage 3/4. The boxes are available for schools to borrow for half a term, although if demand is high it may be necessary to reduce the time. They contain a range of resources, many of which are listed in the resource section of this guidance. Schools may wish to borrow a box to support a particular issue that arises in school or to support teaching in the curriculum about bereavement and loss. The boxes are also a useful way of viewing resources that a school may be considering purchasing.

For further information about borrowing a box please contact Joanne Moore on [email protected]


Introduction“Bereaved children can benefi t from receiving an appropriate and positive response from their school or college.” Winston’s Wish – A Charter for Bereaved Children 2002

This bereavement guidance has been put together by a multi-agency group of professionals as a response to concerns from schools for support in coping with children affected by bereavement and loss.

When school staff and others are called upon to support a bereaved child it may raise issues for them. Those involved will often relive personal past experiences and revisit their own grief. Some of these memories may be very painful for them.

This guidance provides a structure for schools, early years settings and other agencies that work with children. The materials offer support for setting managers, headteachers, staff and children when bereavement and loss occurs. For simplicity the term ‘school’ has been used throughout to include both schools and early years settings. The term ‘headteacher’ has been used to include setting managers.

This guidance provides a signpost to agencies and sources of support. There are some examples of good practice, some ideas on how bereavement and loss may be discussed more openly and examples of letters that can be used to inform the whole school community in the event of bereavement.

The guidance has been based upon extensive knowledge and experience of practitioners from Derby City Children and Young People’s Services, Educational Psychology, Healthy Schools, Inclusion, CRUSE Bereavement Care,Derby City Schools, Health Professionals and Gloucestershire Children and Young People’s Service.


Throughout the document the term ‘bereavement and loss’ refers to all aspects of loss not just loss through death.

Therefore the guidance applies to areas including:

bereavementloss through separation, divorce, mobility, emigration and forced marriageliving with the anticipation of death through terminal illness.

Defi nitions of key terms used throughout the guidance:

loss is the state of being deprived of someone or something that is valued. (Howarth and Leaman, 2001 in Rowling 2003)bereavement is the experience of those left behind after someone has diedgrief is the expression of an individual’s response to loss. (Howarth and Leaman, 2001 in Rowling 2003)mourning is the process through which we go after a bereavement.

Bereavement and loss are a part of life and children and young people have a right to receive the best support in coping with them. Bereavement for a child or young person can be particularly signifi cant for several reasons ...

Its fi nality is beyond the understanding of younger children.Children and young people are just beginning to explore and discover the world, which now becomes less secure and safe.Adults often feel that they can protect children from grief by distraction, covering up and ignoring.Those who experience multiple bereavements, or bereavement alongside other diffi culties, are more likely to be at risk of experiencing negative outcomes such as risk taking behaviour.The time lost has repercussions in school. Children may not be learning and achieving and this may have a detrimental effect on their social and emotional development.Bereavement can trigger a series of further losses which are not in the control of the child or young person. For example the death of a parent may necessitate moving house or moving school. See diagram on the secondary effects of childhood bereavement on page 57.

It should be highlighted at this point that each bereavement or loss is different and the circumstances for the individual will vary as will the individual response. How the organisation responds when a bereavement or loss occurs will need to take account of individual circumstances.


Section 1 The grieving processAfter the death of someone close to them, most children and young people go through a period of mourning. How they grieve is affected by a number of factors such as:

their relationship with the dead personthe way the person diedpersonality and coping styleagegenderspecial educational needsreligious beliefscultural backgroundprevious experience of loss the type of support available.

Although everyone grieves in their own way it has been suggested that there are four ‘tasks’ of mourning.

Accepting the reality of loss - realising that the person is dead and won’t be coming back. Seeing the body and rituals like the funeral can make this easier.

Working through the pain of grief - allowing time to experience the feelings and emotions. Trying to avoid or suppress feelings may make grieving harder in the long run.

Learning to live without the dead person - this may involve taking on new roles or learning new skills.

Moving on with life - fi nding a new place in your emotional life for the person who died so that you can adapt to a different future without their physical presence.

(Grief counselling and grief therapy. A handbook for the mental health practitioner. J.William Worden 2004)

It is important to remember that grief is a normal and natural response to change, loss and death for children, young people and adults. However, for the person at the time it can feel anything but normal.


Emotions during bereavement and lossThe following explains the emotional experience of bereavement and loss. Although most children experience some of these grief responses they will most likely not experience all of them. The intensity of the responses, together with their duration, also varies. It is natural for children to dip in and out of grief.

ShockIn shock the child or young person may feel shaky, numb, out of touch with things around them and have physical reactions such as nausea, fatigue or a feeling of emptiness. Shock is common during the days and weeks immediately following a death.

Numbness

Our mind only allows us to feel our loss slowly. The child or young person may experience numbness after the death of someone close, and what has happened may seem unreal. The thought “this can’t really be happening”, may recur. The numbness can be distressing in itself, for example if the child or young person is unable to cry at the funeral. In fact numbness is a normal reaction which protects us from feeling too much pain all at once, and may be helpful initially.

Searching

Numbness and shock sometimes give way to an overwhelming sense of loss and bereaved children and young people fi nd themselves instinctively ‘searching’ for the person they have lost: calling their name, talking to photographs, dreaming the person is back or looking out for them in the street. Despite this behaviour being normal, some children and young people may fear that they are going mad.

Disbelief

It is natural to fi nd it diffi cult to believe what has happened and, when a death is untimely, it is even harder to grasp. On one level children and young people know that the person has died, but on another deeper level it may seem impossible to accept that the person who has died is not going to be around any more. Confusion, panic and fear are common. Children and young people will need time to take in what has happened, and it may help them to talk it through with other people. The funeral and other remembrance rituals will help them accept the reality of death.

Anguish and pining

Pining for the person who has died is common. Powerful longings to see, touch, talk to and be with the person can be frightening in their intensity. The child or young person may go over what has happened, replaying things in their head or talking them through. The need to talk about a person following their death is part of the natural process of coming to terms with loss.

ReliefIf the person who has died has had a long struggle with illness or other signifi cant diffi culties and there has been a lot of unhappiness and suffering for everyone beforehand, families may feel relief that at last it is all over. This feeling is perfectly natural.

Sadness

As the initial shock begins to pass, the child or young person may feel intense sadness. They may want to withdraw from contact with their family and friends, and they may fi nd it hard to stop crying. Crying is a way of releasing stress, so allow children and young people to cry if they need to. Help them to fi nd a safe place to cry in private if they prefer. Not everyone wants to cry and this too is perfectly normal. Gradually the child or young person is likely to accept the loss and cherish happy memories of the dead person, and the sadness will become more bearable.


Physical and emotional stress

The death of someone close is a major source of stress, which can show itself physically and emotionally. Restlessness, sleeplessness and fatigue are common, as are vivid dreams and diffi culty concentrating and remembering things. Children and young people may experience intense physical and emotional reactions and not feel in control. In the aftermath of the death, children and young people feel overwhelmed and think they will never be able to cope. Don’t expect too much of them. Help them to get through one day at a time.

Anger

Anger is a natural response to loss and for some children and young people feelings of rage can be intense. They may feel a sense of helplessness at the unfairness of life and anger at others who are carrying on as if nothing has happened. The anger may be quite specifi c, and they may want to blame other people such as friends, relatives and doctors, who, in their eyes, did not seem to help the person enough before they died. Children and young people may also feel anger towards themselves. Feelings of anger towards the person who has died, because they feel abandoned by them and angry at being left to cope alone, are often distressing and confusing.

Guilt

It is extremely painful for children and young people to accept that they were not able to prevent the death of someone close and children and young people often blame themselves for the loss. Guilt may also be aroused by what the child or young person feels or does not feel during the bereavement. Some children and young people feel guilt for being alive when the other person is dead, or think they have no right to be happy. Coping with guilt can be one of the most diffi cult aspects of bereavement through suicide.

Despair Despair is draining and saps interest in others, so relationships can suffer. Life may no longer have meaning for the child or young person.

FearViolent and confusing emotions can make grief a frightening experience. Children and young people may fear a similar event happening again and feel fear for themselves and those they love.

Depression

Like depression, grief can bring profound sadness and despair and can interfere with sleep, concentration and appetite. For a bereaved child and young person these feelings are a natural response to a terrible loss. They could be more prone to sadness, which should not be considered to be a depressive illness for some time to come. Talking may help but grief can give way to a longer lasting depression.

Feeling that life has lost its meaning

The death may have challenged all the children and young person’s ideas and beliefs about the world and their place in it. The child or young person may lose faith in their own judgement and may fi nd it hard to trust others. If they have a religious faith they may fi nd help from their place of worship. Some children and young people fi nd that as a consequence of the death they acquire greater resilience and fi nd new meanings for the future.


Some of the factors affecting feelings and reactions to bereavement

The Individual RelationshipRelationship with the deceasedAge, cognitive ability, temperament, personality, language and social skillsPast experience of loss, change and griefLevel of self-esteem.

EnvironmentHome and care settingPermission/space to express griefFaith and cultural perspectiveContinued support from family/school community.

CircumstancesHow the death occurredHas the child seen the death?How was the news given?Information available about what happenedMedia involvement.

CircumstancesEnvironment

The Individual Relationship

The Child


Understanding ages and stages of griefGrief reactions may not be immediately obvious. Children and young people may put on an act, pretending they are coping in order to protect others. They may bottle up their feelings. Understanding this, giving space and support for the individual to express these feelings at the right time for them, is vital. Signifi cant losses cause major changes and how children and young people cope with these changes can impact on their later mental health.

Children sense loss from an early age. Their level of understanding develops alongside their cognitive development. The sequence appears to be the same in the majority of children, though it may occur at different speeds.

Birth to Two and a Half Years ...A baby has no understanding of death and dying but will sense the absence of the parent or carer.They sense the sadness of those around them and the disruption to their lives.Their distress could be evident by increased crying, irritability, erratic feeding and disturbed sleep patterns.

Two and a Half to Five Years ...Children at this stage perceive death as reversible and temporary, expecting the deceased to awake or return.They have pre-logical thinking and are egocentric, making links between their actions and the death.They may develop unexpressed guilt.

Grief Reactions ...Grief responses are varied.Outward signs are not always evident. This does not mean the child is not grieving.There may be a lack of capacity to put thoughts and feelings into words.Frustration that the person has not returned may be demonstrated through anger and protests.Behaviour may regress.The child could become clingy and demanding.Babyish language, temper tantrums and bed-wetting may increase.Children may ask questions over and over again in order to understand and accept the reality and permanency of the death.Could make over-anxious attachments to familiar adults.

Giving Support ...Use of play equipment such as small fi gures, dolls houses, cars and art materials so that they have the opportunity to ‘play-out’ the issues that are distressing them.Provide a secure environment where the child feels safe enough to talk about their feelings, for example in a nursery the child may have a designated worker to take on the role of key support.


Five to Twelve YearsChildren are beginning to understand the permanence and irreversibility of death.Although they understand the real process involved in death, they may still at times use ‘magical’ thinking.Being less egocentric, the child becomes aware of other’s feelings.They can take on a pseudo-adult role supporting others, preventing mourning themselves.

Grief Reactions ...Can be similar to grief reactions for younger children.The child may be irritable and aggressive towards other children and adults.They may be clingy and show separation anxiety.The child may fear for the health and safety of themselves and their loved ones.The child may suffer mood swings.They may develop psychosomatic illnesses such as headaches, sickness and diarrhoea.These problems could disrupt school attendance, resulting in a fall in academic achievement, leading to reduction in self-esteem and self-confi dence. This could result in behaviour diffi culties.Peer pressure may mean children are reticent to express their feelings as they feel it is important to appear the same as others and not to be different.The child may have diffi culties in developing future relationships, leading to potential emotional and social problems.Children may dip in and out of their grief.

Giving Support ...Individual support from a named person to whom the child relates well.Play or craft activities may create a relaxed environment where the child can talk.Drawing and painting.Reading relevant books.Writing and relevant worksheets.Circle time.Group or class discussions.Drama and role play.A ‘bolt hole’ - a place of safety to where the child can retreat when necessary.The special attention the bereaved child receives can create jealousy and resentment amongst peers, leaving the child more vulnerable.Supporters need to provide adequate forums for the bereaved and also for the other children as they do not know how to deal with the situation.The child could develop challenging behaviour that needs to be dealt with in a sensitive but fi rm way providing consistency and stability.


Teenage YearsYoung people are capable of thinking abstractly about death.They may understand the long term consequences, its inevitability and perhaps their own mortality.Adolescence is a time of loss and separation, loss of childhood and the care and safety that it brings. The young person is striving for independence and identity. Any bereavement at this time complicates this process.Reaching adolescence can act as a catalyst for denied grief; the dead person is not there to share special times, like passing exams. They may ‘regrieve’ a signifi cant childhood loss from a different more mature point of view. Sometimes when a parent has a new partner they will regrieve the loss of their biological parent.

Grief Reactions ...According to Kubler-Ross (1969) the following stages of grief are common, can occur in a different sequence and are not fi xed. They may be revisited. A bereaved adolescent may develop the same stages of grief as an adult.

Denial - often the fi rst reaction to loss, the bereaved appears to carry-on as if nothing has happened.

Anger - expressed in different ways, which may be focused upon remaining family members or perhaps the deceased themselves.

Bargaining - attempts to preserve belief in the fairness of life. The bereaved tries to fi nd a reason for the death to restore their belief in the equity of life.

Depression - the acknowledgement of the injustice and unpredictability of death leads to the feeling of lacking control over life events.

Acceptance - internalising the memory of the deceased and moving on to make new relationships.

Giving Support ...The young person may need the support of a signifi cant adult such as a personal tutor, a counsellor or a social worker. Another family member is not always appropriate.Knowing there is a person prepared to listen sensitively will make life much less traumatic.Give time and space for young people to share their feelings with their peers.Support the peer group in coping with the diffi cult situation.


Religions and bereavementThis table does not list all religions. For more information on death in different religions please see http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/

The information present here on religions and bereavement, including the perspective of non-theistic belief systems such as Humanism, provides a general overview of traditional beliefs and practices. With all faith traditions there will be considerable variation to the general views provided here.

BuddhismMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Buddhists believe death of the physical body is certain, but only a part of an on-going process of reincarnation until one receives enlightenment. After death it is believed that the dead person goes through a transformation in which they discover death, and prepare for their rebirth.

In early times and commonly today, Buddhists cremate the bodies of their dead. The fi rst seven days after death are the most important for fi nal and funeral prayer.

Prayers are said weekly, during a 49-day funeral period. It is during this period that the prayers of the mourners are believed to help the deceased during the post-death transformation and awaken their spirit to the true nature of death.

ChristianityMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Christians believe that when someone dies, they are judged by God. The righteous go to Heaven and the sinners go to Hell. Christians believe that Hell is the separation from the love of God.

Catholics believe in Heaven and Hell, but some also believe in Purgatory. This is a place for those who have died in a ‘state of grace’ (that is, they have committed ‘venial’ or forgivable sins) and may not go straight to Heaven.

When a Christian dies, it is seen as the end of his/her life on earth. A funeral is held for friends and family to grieve for the person who has died and give thanks for their life.The funeral is held about a week after death. It can either take place in a church or at a crematorium.

A Catholic funeral can be with or without Mass. Prayers are said by the fi nal resting place, at the graveside for burial and before the curtains close for cremation.

Varies from family to family and country to country. No set mourning period.

Mourning rituals vary from country to country.


HinduismMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Hindus believe death is part of the continuing cycle of birth, life, death, and rebirth. The soul of the dead transfers to another body after death.

Hindus generally cremate their dead. In preparation for cremation, the body is bathed, laid in a coffi n, adorned with sandalwood paste and garlands, and wrapped in white cloth. In the cremation ceremony, the body is carried three times counterclockwise around the pyre, then placed upon it.

The days of mourning are considered a time of ritual impurity. Mourners cover all religious pictures in the house and do not attend festivals or take part in marriage ceremonies. Mourning period length varies, though Hindu scriptures caution against excessive mourning.

HumanistMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

We only live this life - there is no after-life, and no such thing as reincarnation.

A Humanist funeral remembers the life of the person who has died, and refl ects on their contribution to the world and to others.The ceremony is likely to include some or all of the following: music, a non-religious refl ection on death, readings of poetry and prose, reminiscences about the dead person, a eulogy, ritual actions for example; candle lighting, sharing reminiscences with the people alongside you, moments of silence and refl ection and formal words of goodbye.

No set mourning period.


IslamMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Muslims believe that there is another world after death for which the believer should prepare during their time on earth.

The corpse is bathed, wrapped in a plain cloth (called a kafan). The deceased is buried in the ground after the funeral service. Only burial in the ground is allowed according to Shari’ ah (Islamic law). Mourners gather and offer Janazah, prayers for the forgiveness of the deceased. Once the body is buried, Muslim mourners offer one fi nal Janazah prayer.

Prayers are said by family members on every Thursday during the fi rst 40 days. Passages from the Qu’ran are also read daily during this period. At the end of the time period family and friends will meet for a fi nal act of remembrance.

JudaismMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Jews believe death in this life will eventually lead to resurrection in a world to come.

The dead are buried as soon as possible. The body is washed to purify it, dressed in a plain linen shroud. The casket, a plain wooden coffi n, remains closed after the body is dressed. The body is watched over from time of death till burial, as a sign of respect. The kaddish, a prayer in honour of the dead, is said.

There is an intense seven-day mourning period, called shiva. Mourners traditionally rent (tear) their garments as a symbol of grief. Today, people often wear a black ribbon instead of tearing their clothes. Mourners also cover mirrors, sit on low stools, and avoid wearing leather. The full mourning period lasts a year, after which mourners observe the dead’s Yahrzeit, or yearly anniversary of the death.


PaganMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

Pagans believe that physical death is not the end of life. The dead become unborn, and enter into a state where they may fi nd temporary rest, after which healing and renewing energy for rebirth into a new life occur.

Believers in the pagan traditions wash the dead body with a mixture consisting of spring water, a few drops of ocean water (or water from another special place), scented oil, and the herb rosemary for purity and protection. While washing, a special blessing is usually said. Then, the body is smudged (or censed) with an appropriate incense for the cleansing. Finally, the body is wrapped or dressed in simple cloth or clothing.Pagans hold funerals and memorial services, during which, special prayers are said to help guide the dead to healing in their afterlife journey to rebirth. Rituals include offerings to nature and the ancestors, invoking spirits, music, chanting, sharing stories and more.

No set mourning period.

SikhismMain beliefs about death Funeral Mourning period

In Sikhism death is considered a natural process and God’s will.

Cremation is preferred although if it is not possible any other method such as burial or submergence at sea are acceptable. The body is usually bathed and clothed by family members and taken to the cremation grounds. Hymns which induce feelings of detachment are recited by the congregation. As the body is being cremated, Kirtan Sohila, the night time prayer is recited and Ardas, a prayer or request to a superior being, is offered. The ashes are disposed of by immersing them in the nearest river. Any public displays of grief at the funeral such as wailing or crying out loud are discouraged.

A non continuous reading of the entire Sri Guru Granth Sahib is undertaken and timed to conclude on the tenth day. This may be undertaken at home or in the Gurdwara. The conclusion of this ceremony marks the end of the mourning period.


Section 2 Supporting the bereavedSupporting the bereaved child

Preparation for the return to school of children and young people who have been bereavedWhatever support is given must comply with the wishes of the family. A phone call or visit to the home to show the family that you care is a good way of opening up communication.

Ask the child or young person and family what they want explained to friends. They may want you to do the talking or to do it together. They may not want the information to be passed on at all. If this occurs, it may be worth explaining that others will fi nd out or may already know what has happened. However, they may not have all the facts and be confused or worried and not know what to say. This can lead to some children saying or doing inappropriate things. A simple explanation of the event can allay fears and provide information on appropriate responses for both the bereaved child and others.

It is important to fi nd out what the child or young person has been told about the bereavement or loss and that the staff are informed of this.

It will help to know how the child or young person has reacted to their bereavement or loss and what they would like to happen on their return to school. Some children and young people will feel comfortable in returning to the normal routines of school whilst others may not be ready straight away and may need supporting in re-establishing routines. It might be helpful to send information to the bereaved child or young person about what is happening in school during their absence, keeping them involved and up to date.

On return to schoolOn return, it is vital to acknowledge the loss and to recognise how different things are for them now. Phrases such as, “I was sorry to hear about….,” will give them permission to talk about it.

It is good practice for the child or young person to have a designated person that they can talk to in school. It is important that the child or young person knows who this person is and when and where they can be contacted.

Responding to the bereaved child

Think about time and placeWhen a child or young person initially returns to school they may wish to talk immediately. It is therefore advisable to ensure that this is possible. If you are unable to talk immediately ensure that you make time with the child when you can talk. Having said this, it is not always easy to talk about diffi cult things at a set time - you need to talk when you need to talk. Staff therefore need to keep an eye on the child or young person, especially in the early days, and withdraw them from class as and when necessary. Always try to fi nd a place to talk that is private and comfortable. Sometimes carrying out a practical activity whilst talking can make the situation easier for both parties. Some children and young people may not wish to talk, and this reaction needs to be respected.


Recognise that every bereavement and loss is different and every reaction is uniqueThe way in which the child reacts is dependent on a number of factors as shown in the diagram ‘Some of the factors affecting feeling and reactions to bereavement’ on page 10. It is also important to remember that the grieving process has no specifi c timescale and that children and young people may need to revisit their grief again at a later time as their understanding develops.

Validate individual feelings Allow for individual differences both in feelings and in the expression of feelings. There is not one way to grieve, in fact there are many. Please see table ‘Emotions during bereavement and loss’ on page 8.

Don’t assume anythingDo not project feelings you might expect the child or young person to have.

Expect children and young people’s reaction to grief to be changeable They may feel distraught at one moment and in the next moment, appear to have forgotten about their loss. For example they may be upset but then want to know what is for lunch or express annoyance that it is raining outside. This is part of the normal process. It is also important to note that children and young people coping with grief may regress in terms of their developmental stage.

Be honest Firstly this means being honest with yourself about your own feelings. It is not an easy subject for anyone to talk about. If you are upset do not be afraid to admit it. Model the fact that it is okay and totally normal. It is important that you do not make promises that all will be well and you should acknowledge in the case of death that it is permanent.

Use honest vocabulary Children and young people need to develop a vocabulary around death in order to be able to express their thoughts and feelings. Use clear language, especially with young children who may be confused by euphemisms such as ‘your loss’ and ‘gone to a better place.’ They also need to learn about and understand the bereavement process and the rituals associated with mourning. Please see Supporting Through the Curriculum on page 39.

Expect questionsDo not feel pressured to provide immediate answers. If there are questions that you are unable to answer then say so. Sometimes it can be helpful to fi nd out what is behind the question to understand the child’s thinking.

Allow timeChildren or young people need time to take in what has happened and to explore exactly how they feel. For some this will be their fi rst experience of losing someone they know. Silences are fi ne as children often need the space to refl ect on what has been said or what they are thinking. Do not feel the need to fi ll the silences. Often children and young people fi nd it easier to express themselves carrying out an activity rather than face to face, such as using art and craft materials. If the child or young person has diffi culty in engaging in conversation it may be necessary to give other opportunities to communicate through joint activities for example asking the child or young person to help tidying or preparation for a lesson.


NormaliseTry to normalise the feelings the child or young person shares with you. They are probably worried that they are the only person who has ever felt this way.

AcknowledgeSome days will be better than others. Maintaining routines but allowing some fl exibility will give them a sense of security.

Give reassuranceOften children and young people feel responsible for the loss and may feel a huge sense of guilt.

Allow opportunities to rememberSometimes when signifi cant events are coming up, like anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas or religious festivals, it is useful to plan in advance how the day will be spent. Families have found it helpful to do something in memory of the deceased at the beginning of the special day such as looking at photographs.

Respect differencesAcknowledge that different religions and cultures have different rituals and ways of thinking about death. Cross cultural attitudes will have an impact on spiritual perspectives. Please see the ‘Coping When Someone Has Died’ CD Rom. Please also see page 14.

Ensure continued consultation with the bereaved childIt is imperative that the channels of communication are kept open between the bereaved child and the school support systems, not just initially but long term. Information needs to be passed on during any periods of transition, so that understanding and support can continue to be offered. It is important to consult a bereaved child about any activities and how they wish to participate, for example in a memorial or when bereavement and loss is to be addressed through the curriculum.

Recognise practical issuesThere may be practical issues, such as finance, that affect young people and families, and complicate the grieving process. The Derby Citizens Advice and Law Centre or The Space could be appropriate sources of advice in these circumstances.

Signpost to sources of supportThis includes organisations and websites on pages 49/50 and resources on page 41.


Common reactions to bereavement that can affect the child in school and suggested support strategies

Reaction Suggested support strategies

Lack of concentration

Provide alternative activities such as related practical tasks like running errands and tidying books. Drawing or painting can be particularly helpful, allowing for an expression of feelings without having to talk about them. In can be helpful to plan curriculum work which is well within the child or young person’s capabilities. Whilst accepting the need to think about events that have occurred, also gently encourage a return to having a go at the same thing as the other pupils, perhaps with peer support.

Lack of organisation

For a short while following the bereavement or loss, forgetting to bring the right things to school should be understood and catered for. Check to see if the child or young person would like to have a list to help remind them what to bring. It can be helpful to develop a buddy system to ensure the child or young person is in the right place at the right time.

Tiredness

Bereavement can affect sleeping and eating patterns and subsequently the child or young person’s mood. Therefore, try to ensure that the child is well rested and nourished. It may be necessary to provide alternative, practical activities or easy tasks or allow a quiet time in the book corner or library. Allow the use of any chill out or rest facilities at school if they need to sleep.

Withdrawal

Create times and situations where the child or young person feels more comfortable. Look for opportunities for activities the child enjoys and allow paired and small group work to create a greater sense of security. Also allow more opportunities for relaxed interactions with others.

Irritability, over sensitivity, anger, frustration and hostility to self and others

It is important that both the child or young person concerned and the other pupils are made aware that these feelings are brought about by the stress of the situation that has been experienced. Strategies to cope with these reactions should be discussed and developed with all those involved, for example a circle of friends could be created. The child or young person concerned should be helped to recognise when things are becoming too stressful and what they can say or do to prevent an outburst. This could be for example a signal system which will allow the child or young person time out to regain some calm. Peers should also be helped to be more tolerant and understanding of the situation.

Separation anxiety

A child or young person may be reluctant to separate from parent or carer. The child might worry about their loved one during the school day. It can be useful for a key worker to meet the child to support entry into school. The child may need the opportunity to telephone home occasionally for reassurance.

Excessive focus on work

Some children and young people may focus all their attention on their school work to the exclusion of recreational activity. This can often be in order to distract or fulfi l a need. It is important to provide opportunities and encouragement for children and young people to spend time with friends.


Supporting the parents and carers

It should be noted that it is not the role of the school to provide specifi c support to a parent to help them deal with their individual grief as an adult but to signpost them to sources of support. However, schools may wish to help parents and carers by providing some information and resources to assist them in supporting their own child or children in dealing with their grief.

It would be helpful to share the following information with parents and carers in order to support them in talking to their child about a bereavement or loss.

Be honest in telling your child what has happened and try to explain the details in a language that they can understand. This includes avoiding the use of euphemisms such as ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ which are confusing and can create fear associated with natural sleep which is essential for healthTry to talk to your child about the funeral, what it is for and what will happen. Give your child the choice to go to the funeral to say goodbye as this can help with the grieving process. It may be useful to suggest that someone else could support the child or young person at the service, for example an aunt or family friend, if the parent/carer feels unable to do soTalk about the person who has died and include your child in any remembering that you doRemember that how your child grieves will depend on a number of factors including their age and understanding of the events. There is no right or wrong way to grieveIt is okay for you and your child to feel a range of emotions including anger, guilt and confusion but it is also okay if you don’tChildren often express their grief through their behaviourDo not be concerned if your child appears to be happy at one moment and then distraught at the nextTrust your instincts as a parent and do not feel embarrassed to ask for help if you need it.

There are many organisations who can support parents through issues of bereavement and loss. These include Parentline Plus, Winston’s Wish, CRUSE Bereavement Care, Compassionate Friends, the Child Death Helpline and Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide. Please see pages 49/50 for further details of how to contact these organisations. Please also see page 41 for a list of resources that parents may fi nd useful.


Supporting all staff

In the event of a bereavement it is vital that all members of staff receive adequate, accurate information and support. This in turn will enable them to better support each other and the pupils.

The following diagram outlines the steps you may wish to take in order to inform staff in school about a bereavement.

Refer to the school’s

bereavement policy if one is in place.

Arrange a staff meeting as soon as practicable to share information. Identify absent

staff.

Be prepared for obvious upset and distress. The news may

resurrect personal experiences of unresolved grief.

Where the media may be interested consult the

information on page 37 about how to respond.

Establish clear lines of communication to ensure free flow of accurate information.

Collate resources that can be used to support those involved. See page 41 for resources and

websites.

Ensure catch up with absent staff.

Signpost staff to support. Allow time and space for those who are particularly distressed to access

support. Pages 49/50.

Follow the local authority protocols.

Consider sending out a letter to parents if appropriate and with

consent of the family. See pages 58/59.

Plan curriculum activities to support the children.


Supporting the whole school community

A death within a group or community can have a huge affect on the group as a whole. Speaking with a single child or young person about the death of a relative needs to be discrete and sensitive to their individual needs. Dealing with a death that affects many people is quite a different issue.

It is preferable that breaking the news of the death should occur in as small a group as possible, in a class or form/tutor group for example. However, there are occasions when staff may clarify details in a gathering such as an assembly. This is not generally an advisable way of talking about someone’s death but in certain situations cannot be avoided, for example when rumours are circulating. Children and young people react better when they know all the information, which will make it less easy to pass on and create rumours. Children and young people value honesty and reliable information and are usually the best judge of what and how much information they require.

The person breaking the news should be someone known and trusted by the children and young people, someone not afraid to share how they feel themselves about the death. Information about what will be happening in the future is helpful for example memorial events or closing the school. Language should be appropriate to the age of the listeners using correct terminology and once again avoiding euphemisms.

Although organisational policies do not cover every eventuality, the process of preparation will help to give confi dence when the event occurs, particularly if it was unforeseen.

It has been the experience of schools that communication is paramount and letters have been the most effective and effi cient method. The letter informs the parents/carers and helps them to support their child. Please refer to pages 58 and 59 for examples of letters that can be used.


Consultation with parents and carersThere are occasions when a child dies or the death of a child is anticipated. At such times, it is important that the school is in communication with the parents and consults fully on any actions to be taken, such as the information given and the wording of any letters sent to the parents of other pupils.

Supporting the friends

When a child or young person in school is bereaved it can often be diffi cult for the friends to know what to say and do. The school may need to be pro-active in facilitating friendship groups to support, such as a circle of friends. It is useful to provide a quiet space where the group can meet and talk. Try to provide activities and resources to give the children and young people the opportunity to talk about what has happened in a relaxed environment, for example through art work, drama, stories, music.

Encourage the friendship group to continue their friendship over a period of time. This will help the bereaved child or young person to feel less isolated.

Teaching vocabulary associated with bereavement to the friends can help to minimise the use of phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’, which may be taken literally and not convey the permanent nature of death. It is also important to destigmatise the vocabulary as children and young people often believe words like ‘dead’ are bad words that should not be spoken.


Supporting into the future

For the bereaved person, life has changed forever. However, after some time, those who have been bereaved may not feel as emotional as they did in the fi rst few days and weeks. Life will return to a less shocked state but it will always be different. Each person’s grief is different. Some will be in a period of denial and don’t seem to have any problems for a long time and then it suddenly hits them. There are phases of grief and everyone will work through them at their own pace.

Major changes, anniversaries and the stress of exams can often cause a resurgence of grief. For example a new bereavement or different kind of loss such as moving school can cause feelings to resurface.

Records should be kept and passed on at times of transition such as a change of teacher or school. Communication is key to being able to provide continuing mentoring and support.

There should be on-going monitoring of the well-being of children and young people who have been bereaved. Some children and young people adopt coping strategies that could be damaging. These include self-harm, substance misuse and offending behaviour including bullying. Professionals who work with children and young people should be aware of these possibilities and should consider whether the young person requires further support. In cases where the bereavement or grief is complicated and external agency support is required it may be necessary to undertake the Common Assessment Framework (CAF) in order to access appropriate support for the child or young person and their family.

Opportunities to remember

There is no one, specifi c way to remember but it is important to value everybody’s ideas about how to remember and to involve all members of the school community in doing so. Consult with siblings and parents as to how they may wish to contribute and participate in activities.

Ways to remember could include:

A memorial serviceThis could be held within school or at a place of worship. If the deceased is a child or young person then their friends could play a part in leading the memorial or suggesting relevant music to be incorporated into the service. If the deceased is a teacher or head teacher, then each class may wish to contribute something different e.g. a poem, a dance, a model, a musical item or a picture. However, it is important that children have the choice of whether to participate or not. Following the service an activity like releasing balloons or playing bubbles may be appropriate and helpful.

PicturesPictures could be bought and displayed around school with a memorial plaque placed at the bottom. Children and young people’s art work could be used to create the pictures.

DisplaysA display could be put up in school annually allowing the school community space to share their memories.


A benchWith the deceased person’s name engraved on a plaque. This could be placed in a quiet area offering pupils and staff a place to reflect.

Planting flowers or a treeThis could be a favourite type of flower, tree or colour of the person being remembered. Some flowers and trees can be planted to grow or blossom at the time of year the person died.

Creating a garden or quiet area The whole school community can play a part in designing and making the area.

Creating a web pageIn memory of the deceased person. Again the school community can take ownership for designing the web page. This can easily be added to a school’s current website.

Memorial cupA trophy could be purchased and named after the deceased person. This could be a sporting cup or if the deceased person had a particular interest the trophy could be awarded for achievement in this particular area for example, drama, art, community work, academic achievement or singing.

FundraisingThis could be done as a one off event or annually. If the person died of a particular illness then money raised could be used to support the relevant charity.

Designing a memorialThe school community could play an active part in designing an indoor or outdoor memorial such as a mural, statue or water feature.


Case studies

Experiences of an Infant SchoolIn an infant school a Foundation Stage 2 child died unexpectedly in hospital. He had only attended the school for two months. The headteacher and class teacher informed the child’s Teaching Assistant at home so that she could absorb the shock. The other members of staff were told together in a staff meeting.

All decisions about the school’s response to the bereavement were discussed with the child’s mother.

The children were told simultaneously in circle time in their class groupings. The staff agreed that they would use the correct vocabulary to inform the children, for example to say that the little boy had died rather than that he had passed away. The head teacher prepared guidance and resources for staff to assist them in their support of the children during this very traumatic period.

A letter went out to parents to inform them and give them some advice on how they could talk to their children about death. They were also directed to a website for further information.

A photograph of the child, special memories and dinosaurs, his favourite toys, were hung on a memory tree and displayed in the school foyer. As a lasting memorial a cherry tree was planted in the school grounds on his 5th birthday. All the children and the child’s family attended this commemoration.

The staff and children from the child’s previous nursery school were extremely shocked and upset. They decided to plant a garden and install a small bench in the playground as a memorial. They planted yellow flowers as this was his favourite colour. The child’s mother attended the dedication ceremony.


Experiences of a Junior SchoolIn one junior school a pupil had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. On learning from the parents of the imminent death of the Year 6 girl the head teacher and Learning Mentor carefully considered how they could support the whole school through such a traumatic event. The child had a younger sister in the school.

The school kept in close touch with her parents throughout the latter stages of the pupil’s illness and death. The parents’ wishes were respected in terms of what information they wanted to be shared with the other pupils.

The head teacher informed the staff of the pupil’s imminent death in a meeting before a weekend so that that they could reflect on the sad news. The day after her death the children were informed simultaneously in their classes so that they had a safe, familiar environment where they could explore their feelings. The Learning Mentor was available to talk to small groups or individuals who were particularly upset. The parents were informed by letter on that evening.

A whole school ‘Rainbow Memories Day’ was planned. The day focused on a range of memories and reminiscences tied in with curriculum areas and colours. The work was underpinned by memories of the deceased child. The culmination of the day was an assembly which the child’s parents attended. The pupils were invited to share their memories. Finally the Learning Mentor lit a candle and asked the pupils to think about the deceased child and her family.

As a lasting memorial a plaque is to be installed. The children were invited to suggest an inscription. The school council selected four suggestions and the child’s father was invited to make the final choice.


Experiences of a Secondary School‘The biggest thing we did for our students was listen and be there for them’In recent years we have had two deaths amongst our student body. One was a female student who had a brain tumour. She spent some months absent from school before her death but her achievement manager and close friends remained in contact with the family. On hearing of her death we informed the students through a series of year group assemblies starting with the year she was in. The head visited the family in the first few days to offer condolences on behalf of the school community and to speak about arrangements for the funeral. The funeral procession was organised to come into the school car park and students were given the opportunity to stand in the car park to pay their last respects.

The students’ favourite colour was pink and students and staff in the school were invited to wear something pink on that day. After the funeral procession passed students had the option to go into normal lessons or go to a room for some quiet contemplation or discussion with some staff. The majority of students went back to class; those closest to the student went to the room.

As a lasting memorial to the student a cherry tree was planted in the school grounds which will blossom pink in the spring.


The second student was a sudden death. This shocked the school community more as it was so unexpected. Again similar processes were put in place to support the students. Assemblies took place in the morning. By doing these we could see which students were most affected by the loss and could therefore target support. As much as possible a normal school day was applied, which was difficult for staff and students but a necessary step in the process of dealing with the situation.

A number of banners were provided for the students to write on, including a flag from the students’ bedroom at the request of the parents. Some students who were closest to the boy did much of the organising and spoke to staff with great maturity about what they could do to support each other with their grief.

Again the head visited the family and continued that contact throughout the build up to the funeral where he read the eulogy. Again the funeral cortège came through the school car park with students lining the route. A room was made available for grieving students in school.

Following the funeral a number of students continued to feel the effects of grief and loss. They were initially counselled by a variety of members of staff who the students felt they could talk to. A small core of students closest to the boy was referred to a bereavement counsellor at “The Space”.

In lasting memorial, a plaque was designed by students in technology, which is placed in the school grounds. In addition the inter company (house) sports competition cup has been named after the student who died.


Section 3 Dealing with bereavement through traumatic circumstancesSudden death and suicide

Explaining to a child that someone has died in an accident or through suicide is very diffi cult. Children and young people bereaved through traumatic circumstances often experience intense feelings of shame, rejection and betrayal. This can make it more diffi cult to accept the reality, to work through the pain, to learn to live without the person and to move on with life.

Under these circumstances the reality and nature of death is very hard to deal with. This can impede the mourning process.

The school can provide a safe haven for the child or young person away from the grieving family as it can offer a structure and routine.

More reassurance needs to be given to enable the children and young people bereaved through suicide to understand that the death is not their fault and they are not to blame. People who plan suicide can hide their intention and therefore the situation can be very diffi cult to prevent.

The feeling of rejection is particularly compounded through death by suicide and children and young people will need intensive support to deal with this feeling.

If a student has taken their own life, try to help their classmates understand that there are other ways of solving problems and that help is available. Suicidal feelings are more likely to occur among people who know someone else who has died through suicide. Be alert to the warning signs and provide help if necessary. Open discussion of what has happened is more useful than avoiding any mention of death.

Publicity surrounding death through traumatic circumstances often means less chance to grieve privately. Where an inquest is needed or there are subsequent court proceedings this can protract the healing process. Type ‘Help is at Hand DH’ into an online search engine for more information regarding sudden death and suicide.


Terminal illness

Coping with terminal illness and the death of a pupil

The following information needs to be read in conjunction with Section 1 and Section 2 of this guidance.

In the event of a child or young person becoming terminally ill, their wishes and those of their parents/guardians should always be respected. Should the child wish to attend school the class teacher may need to inform the class of the child’s condition. Occasionally the child may wish to talk to their classmates about their situation themselves. Honesty about death and dying is the best line of approach. Sometimes there is just no other way.

When the child or young person dies the immediate class friends should be gathered and the news, if not already known, be broken before an announcement is made to the rest of the school, thus allowing private grief.

To avoid rumours, announcements should be made to the rest of the school as soon as practically possible.

A letter can be sent home to parents/carers informing them of the death. Please see page 59 for an example.

Coping with the terminal illness and death of a close family member of a pupilIn the event of a child or young person coping with the terminal illness of a family member, he or she will experience changes in their home life which may include taking on an increasing caring role, coping with emotional reactions of other family members, feelings of isolation and anticipating the death of their loved one. This anticipation begins a grieving process. Children and young people may be worried about who will look after them after the death. In these circumstances school can provide some stability and security and give an opportunity to discuss with them their worries, contacting appropriate support agencies if necessary. Please refer to the booklet produced by Winston’s Wish, As Big As It Gets (particularly page 14.)

When the death occurs the actual event will still be a shock and the child will require great emotional support from school staff.

Coping with the terminal illness and death of a member of staffAs with the previous examples, the wishes of the member of staff should be respected. They should determine how and when the members of the school community should be informed.

Children generally believe that all staff in schools leave their posts for other positions or they simply retire. For many it is quite inconceivable that they might die whilst still being employed by the school. When such an event occurs it is usually extremely traumatic, especially for members of staff forced to deal with their own grief as well as comforting the children. Such an event warrants an occasion when the whole class or school should be involved in the grieving process.

Planning how a school manages such an event is important. To avoid rumours the news should be broken as soon as possible. A gathering together of staff is something that should be considered to allow them to grieve in private before announcing the news to the rest of the school. A letter should be sent to parents and carers in order to inform them. Please see page 58.Generally such news should be broken in small groups at the same time, or if this is not possible in assembly. In class children should be allowed the opportunity to express their grief individually


with the support of the class teacher. As mentioned earlier some pupils may have already experienced death. For some their way of coping with such events may be through emotional outbursts. Some may express feelings of anger, panic or relief. It is important to try to remember this at a time when everyone is hurting.

Critical Incidents

There are occasions when members of a school community witness or are affected by an unusual event, such as a fatal road traffi c accident or a kidnap. Schools will wish to respond to the needs of those affected and of parents and carers, as well as dealing with the likely interest of the media. The response of the media to these events can exacerbate the impact.

Critical incidents are traumatic events and children and young people may respond in a range of ways. These include:

unexpectedly experiencing memories or pictures of the event feeling as if it is actually happening againnightmaresrepetitive play or drawing about the event that seems not to be for funnot wanting to think or talk about the eventavoiding anything that might be a reminder of the eventgetting angry or upset more easilybeing unable to concentratebeing unable to sleepbeing more wary and watchful of dangerbeing more clingy with parents or carersphysical ailments such as stomach aches or headachestemporarily losing abilities (such as feeding and toileting)problems at school.

It is important to reassure those involved and parents and carers that these are normal responses to a traumatic experience. Those affected need opportunities to talk about their experience and reactions. Children may wish to use drawing to express their memories and impressions or act these out in their play. These are normal forms of expression which can be helpful. As with all experiences of bereavement and loss, it is helpful to provide the stability and security of normal routines.

For most of those affected by a critical incident, the distress and responses associated with the trauma are not long-lasting. Some may be affected for longer. If reactions continue for more than a month or so, specialist advice should be sought, for example through the child or member of staff’s GP or the school nurse, Community Paediatrician or Primary Mental Health Worker.

Support for school in the immediate aftermath of a critical incident can be obtained from the Educational Psychology Team within the Specialist Teaching and Psychology Service (STePS), by either contacting your named Educational Psychologist or Mick Pitchford, Principal Educational Psychologist. The STePS contact number is 01332 641400. The Local Authority will provide support in dealing with the media. Please see page 38 for contact details.

It may be helpful to provide parents with a leafl et. An example is contained in the appendix, Afterthe event: supporting children after a frightening event. Please see page 60.


Asylum Seeking/Refugees

Some of the children and young people in our schools have experienced extreme trauma, such as war or genocide, in countries they have fled from. Some children may have witnessed members of their family being murdered, attacked or raped. When they arrive in Britain they often do not have the language skills to share their experiences and feelings. These children and young people often bring with them a profound sense of loss. However traumatic their experience has been, they leave a country very familiar to them and arrive in a country with a very different language, culture and climate.

Children and Young People New to English

Children and young people who arrive in Britain from other countries often feel a great sense of loss. They have to deal with leaving their home country and culture including their extended family, friends and pets. These children quite often face a long period of adjustment, having to learn a new language, build up new relationships, adapt to a new climate and understand new systems.

Forced Marriage

A forced marriage is when people are coerced into marrying against their own will. It is not the same as an arranged marriage where there is a choice as to whether to accept the arrangement or not. The tradition of arranged marriages has operated successfully within many communities and countries for a very long time.

A forced marriage may involve being physically threatened or emotionally blackmailed to do so. It can also bring with it a profound sense of loss on many levels. Young people who are forced into marriage usually leave school early so have to deal with the loss of an education and the loss of friendships. Quite often forced marriage involves the young person travelling to a different country leaving behind all that they are familiar with. Very often passports are confiscated making return home difficult and sometimes impossible.

Some young people facing forced marriage may be subject to excessive restrictions and control at home and have very little freedom. Others may feel they have no option but to run away from home, again losing contact with their family, friends and community. A refusal to marry may be viewed as bringing shame on the family and can lead to social ostracism from the family and community.

For further information on forced marriage and considerations for educational practitioners, please visit http://www.everychildmatters.gov.uk/socialcare/safeguarding/forcedmarriage/


Managing the MediaTaken from Schools’ Media Guidance

This covers general media enquiries, not those relating specifi cally to bereavement. However many of the principles will apply.

The following guidance will help schools manage:contact from the media their own need to give information to the mediathe media with confi dence.

Wherever possible we should try to handle the media pro-actively by anticipating their interest, but there will be occasions when we have to react to their enquiries.

Contact from the media

Any media enquiries should be handled by the headteacher or chair of governors. They should inform each other of any enquiry and agree who should take the lead and deal with it.

It is important that only one person manages the enquiry and deals with the media to manage the ‘message’ that is given. If several people are dealing with them, there is a danger that mixed messages are given which the media could use to their advantage or to discredit the school.

It is possible that any member of staff, particularly administrative staff, may pick up a call from the media. If so:

you should listen to their enquiry and make a note of what they are askingask some basic questions: which media, name, contact telephone number, what they want and a deadline pass the information to the headteacher, if available if the headteacher is unavailable, explain that you cannot deal with the query but will pass the information to the head and chair of governors who will get back to them do not under any circumstances be pressured into making a comment. If you feel you are being pressured, direct them to the Councils’ Press Team on 643500.


Support For Media EnquiriesThe Council’s Press Team can provide advice and support for schools on handling the media. They will help schools:

produce press releases prepare media statementsadvise on interviewsbe present during an interview, if support is needed.

If you need help, please call and ask!

Critical IncidentsThe above guidance should be followed for all media enquiries. However some ‘stories’ are more contentious than others. For example:

each year there are generally one or two Derby City school children who die. These are usually as a result of illness or accidentsthe death of a teacher or headan accident involving children on a school trip an incident involving crime, violence or police involvement.

You should contact Derby City Council Press Offi ce on 643500 who can provide the media support your school needs.

Negative StoriesThe above guidance should also be followed for negative stories such as:

parents going to the media about issues such as bullying, a school policy or exclusions scare mongering such as a paedophile in the vicinity of the schooldrug/weapon/crime related stories affecting pupils.


Section 4 Bereavement and Loss through the Curriculum

PSHEFeelingsRelationshipsFriendshipCircle timeSEAL - Relationships and Changes Themes

REReligious rituals associated with deathDeath in different culturesBeginnings and Endings

LiteracyUsing texts about

bereavement and loss in

literacy and story times

Story books in class

addressing bereavement

and lossWriting about

bereavement and loss

Poetry

ScienceLife cycles

MusicExploring feelings through music ICT

Exploring a range of websites and software Exploring bereavement and loss - see resources and support section

DramaExpressing

emotionsRole playHuman perspective

HistoryFamily treeHuman perspectiveRemembrance

CitizenshipBereavement and

loss experiences of

refugee and asylum

seekersWarFamine and disaster

ArtExpressing emotions through colours and patterns


Section 5 Resources

Books for ChildrenAlthough this is a comprehensive list, there are many more resources available.

Key stage Author Title Publisher Year ISBN

1 VARLEYSusan

Badger’s Parting GiftsThe well-loved story of a dependable, reliable and helpful badger who realises that his old age will soon lead to death. His friends learn to come to terms with his death and he lives on in all they have learned from him.

Picture Lions

1994 0006643175

1 DURANTAlan

Always and ForeverWhen Fox dies, Otter, Mole and Hare remember the things he used to do. In their hearts and memories and laughter he will always be there.

Picture Corgi

2004 0552548774

1 CLARKEmma

Up In HeavenDaisy the dog becomes old and unwell, dies and goes to heaven. She loves it in heaven and watches her family as they grieve for her.

Anderson Press

2003 1842703331

1 HARRISRobie H

Goodbye MousieWhen a young boy’s mouse dies he has to deal with feelings of sadness and anger.

Simon and Schuster

2003 074362130

1 JOSLINMary

The Goodbye BoatA story, mainly in pictures, about two children saying goodbye forever to a loved Grandmother who sails away to somewhere new.

Lion Publishing

2005 9780745942643

1 BURNINGHAMJohn

GranpaA story about a little girl’s happy relationship with her Grandfather who dies at the end of the book.

Red Fox 1989 9780099434085



1 THOMASPat

I Miss You; A First Look at DeathA look at what happens and the feelings associated with the loss of a loved one.

Hodder Wayland

2000 0764117645

1 THOMASPat

My Family’s ChangingA fi rst look at family break up.

Barrons Educational Series

1999 9780764109959

1 MOSS Miriam

FLATHERLisa

The Sunshine CatA story about Sunny, a family cat who is knocked down in the road and how three young children who love him learn to say goodbye.

Orchard 1999 1841215678

1 ROSENMichael

Lovely Old RolyRoly the cat dies and it’s too soon to think about a replacement - but when the time comes a new cat turns up. Understanding that a new pet does not take the place of one that has died.

Frances Lincoln

2002 0711214891

1 and 2 ROMAINTrevor

What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?A book which addresses in a straightforward manner the many questions and thoughts children have after the death of someone close.

Free Spirit 1999 1575420554

1 and 2 JANNEYJill

Milly’s Bug-NutThe story of a family fi nding their way through bereavement and of Milly who fi nds an unexpected answer to her heart’s desire.

Winston’s Wish

2002 9780953912346

1 and 2 BINCHCaroline

The Princess and the CastleGenevieve has to get to know her Mum’s new boyfriend, following the death of her Dad.

Jonathan Cape

2004 0224064614

1 and 2 COLEHannah

The Best Day of the WeekTwo little girls spend Saturdays with their grandparents. One day Granny is ill, goes to hospital and dies. Grandpa learns to cope on his own but Granny is not forgotten.

Walker Books

1997 9780744554670



2 WILSONJacqueline

Cat MummyVerity’s old tabby cat dies and she decides to mummify it so they can be together forever. All this is tied up with fact that the cat used to belong to her mother, who died a long time ago . . .A book to help those who have lost a family member a long time ago, which will be enjoyed by other children while they learn a bit about how it must feel.

Corgi 2002 044086416X

2 THOMPSONColin

Falling Angels Sally experiences new worlds through her dreams. She brings joy to her dying grandmother’s life by encouraging her to travel in her dreams.Useful for discussing life after death.

Red Fox 2002 0099432986

2 STOKESJulie

The Secret CA book to help adults and children talk openly about the diffi cult issues and feelings involved with cancer.

Winston’s Wish

2000 0953912302

2 EDWARDSNicola

Saying Goodbye to a. . . Parent. . . Pet. . . Grandparent. . . Brother or Sister. . . FriendA series of books for age 6-9 year olds, about how to understand and cope when someone you love dies. Each book is slightly different but typically covers illness and death, associated feelings, saying goodbye, remembering, diffi cult days and feeling happy again.An uncomplicated look at death and the stages of grief.

Chrysalis 200318445846821844584690184458467418445846581844584666



2 AMOSJanine

Separations - DeathLetters, stories and practical advice to help children cope with death.

Cherry Tree Books

2002 1842341634

2 and 3 SANDERSPeteMYERSSteve

When People DieSensitive cartoon strip/discussion format dealing with issues of feelings, behaviour etc for young people facing the death of a family member.

Aladdin Books

2004 0749654953

3 and 4 MOONPat

The Spying GameJoe’s father is killed in a road accident. Joe is convinced the driver of the other car is a murderer, so is triumphant when his campaign of hate mail forces him & his family to move. Then Joe meets Alex, the other man’s son, and he realises just what a devastating effect the accident is having on their lives too

Orchard Books

2003 1843622017

3 and 4 UREJean

Becky Bananas; ‘This is Your Life’.11 year old Becky has Leukaemia, but is full of fun and lives her short remaining life to the full with family and friends.

Collins 2002

3 and 4 CHAMBERS Aidan

Postcards from No Man’s LandJacob goes to Amsterdam to meet his grandmother, Geertrui, who is going to take advantage of the Dutch law that allows euthanasia.

Red Fox 2001 0099408627


Books for Adults

Author Title Publisher Year ISBNDYREGROVAtle

Grief in Childhood - a handbook for adultsVery practical and useful book written for adults to help them understand how children feel when someone important in their life dies.

Jessica Kinglsey

2008 978-1-84310-612-8

HOLLANDJohn

Coping with Bereavement - a handbook for teachersSupports schools in understanding death and bereavement in the context of loss and attachments, in developing strategies to address death, loss and bereavement in the curriculum in responding to the bereaved child, in developing whole school policies and contingency plans.

Cardiff Academic Press

1-899025057

SMITHSusan C

The Forgotten Mourners: Guidelines for Working with Bereaved ChildrenAwareness is raised of sensitive issues involved in relating to and assisting children who have been bereaved in different ways. Susan Smith talks about their emotions and behaviour according to their age group and developmental stage. The book explains how to help children and lists what services are available to help.

Jessica Kingsley

1999 1853027588

WARDBarbara

Good Grief IExploring feelings, loss and death with under elevens.

Good Grief IIExploring feelings, loss and death with over elevens and adults.

These books deal with many differing aspects of loss; give practical and factual information across differing religious creeds and cultures and those of no faith; give children opportunity to explore a range of positive and negative feelings within a safe environment.

Jessica Kingsley

Jessica Kingsley

1995

1995

978-1-85302-324-8

978-1-85302-340-8


Author Title Publisher Year ISBNGRANORTamar

Without You: Children and Young People Growing Up with Loss and its EffectsPractical and sensitive advice on how best to support children who have experienced bereavement or other kinds of loss, including the suicide of a family member, the death of a sibling, parental abandonment and the loss of a parent through divorce or addiction. How loss is experienced by children and adolescents of different ages, how the circumstances of loss and the behaviour of other family members can affect a child’s reaction to it and the consequences for the development of the child.

Jessica Kingsley

2004 1843102978

DYREGROVKariDYREGROVAtle

Effective Grief and Bereavement SupportIssues covered include common reactions to grief problems that can arise within families, how to help bereaved children, main purposes for effective network support.

Jessica Kingsley

2008 978-1-84310-667-8

STOKESJulieCROSSLEDiana Y

Beyond the Rough RockHow to help a child understand when someone has taken their own life.

Winston’s Wish

2001 0953912337

STOKESJulie

The Secret C - Straight Talking about CancerAn introduction to cancer treatments and possible outcomes for 4-11 year olds.

Winston’s Wish

2000 0953912302

STOKESJulieGROSSLEYDiana

As Big As it Gets - supporting a child when a parent is seriously illInformation booklet to help families cope with serious illness of a parent.

Winston’s Wish

2008 978-0-9539-123-9-1

MARKELLKatherine and Mark

The Children Who LivedUses Harry Potter and other fi ctional characters to help grieving children and adolescents.

Routledge 2008 978 0415 95765-6

Department of Health

Help is at HandGuidence on dealing with suicude and other sudden traumatic death.

Crown 2008


Workbooks

Author Title Publisher Year ISBNGROSSLEY DianaIllustrated byKate Sheppard

Muddles, Puddles and SunshineA resource for Key Stages 1 and 2 with practical suggestions and worksheets which offer a structure and an outlet for the many diffi cult emotions which inevitably follow bereavement and loss.

Winston’s Wish

2000 1-869-890-582

TURNERMary

Talking with Children and Young People about Death and Dying - a WorkbookThis is a workbook for children to look through with an adult and contribute to, after someone close to them has died.

Jessica Kingsley

2007 9781853025631

Making a Memory BoxAn activity sheet giving ideas on how to develop a memory box.

Winston’s Wish

OXLEYPaulSTOBESEJulieIllustrated by Neil Noris

Out of the BlueDesigned specifi cally for teenagers with the aim of supporting them through their behaviour using a range of activities.

Winston’s Wish

HEERGARDMarge

The ‘Drawing out Feelings’ SeriesWorkbooks for children to draw pictures about their feelings under the guidance of a professional over a period of time. Offers an organised approach to helping 6-12 year olds.

When Someone Very Special DiesWhen Someone has a Very Serious IllnessWhen Something Terrible Happens

CRUSE

CRUSE

CRUSE

1991

1991

1991

W00302

W00303

W00304

Facilitator Guide of ‘Drawing Out Feelings’Guide for professionals using the workbooks above.

CRUSE 1992 F00098


Audio Visual

Author Title Publisher Year ISBNROTARY Coping When Someone Has Died

Primary CD ROMAn information resource designed to help children, their families and their teachers with the trauma of a bereavement.

SMS Multimedia

2004 1-902826-13-2

ROTARY Coping When Someone Has DiedSecondary CD ROMAn information resource designed to help children, their families and their teachers with the trauma of a bereavement.

SMS Multimedia

2004 1-902826-13-2

LEEDS ANIMATION WORSHOP

Not Too Young To GrieveThis short animated fi lm looks at the ways very young children respond to grief, and what the adults around them can do to help.

LEEDS ANIMATION WORKSHOP

LEEDS ANIMATION WORSHOP

Teenage Grief A 13 minute animated fi lm aimed at helping parents and others understand the way young people grieve and how to best support them.

LEEDS ANIMATION WORKSHOP

WINSTON’S WISH

Living the JourneyA DVD which promotes the work of Winston’s Wish and the core services it provides.

Media Trust

WINSTON’S WISH

Life Without MumThis DVD is intended for children for use in death education. It is a positive fi lm, making real the resilience that can be nurtured in families after parental death.

Media Trust

To further support this guidance three resource boxes have also been produced. There is one box for each age range; Foundation Stage/Key Stage 1, Key Stage 2 and Key Stage 3/4. The boxes are available for schools to borrow for half a term, although if demand is high it may be necessary to reduce the time. They contain a range of resources, many of which are listed in the resource section of this guidance. Schools may wish to borrow a box to support a particular issue that arises in school or to support teaching in the curriculum about bereavement and loss. The boxes are also a useful way of viewing resources that a school may be considering purchasing.

For further information about borrowing a box please contact Joanne Moore on 01332 256331.


Support Agencies

Derby City Educational Psychology Service

The service can provide support in a number of ways including the following:

Practical support and reassurance to school staff.Helping staff discuss events with one another.Giving staff, parents and pupils information about normal reactions to a traumatic event.Suggesting ways to help pupils cope with the event.Suggesting and working with group activities for pupils who have been involved.Needs assessment of children who may be at particular risk.Support for individual pupils or staff who may need additional help.Providing information about other organisations who might help.

The service is also able to provide specifi c support when there has been a critical incident. This can be defi ned as a sudden, unexpected event that is distressing to pupils and/or staff. It might not have happened during school hours or directly on the school site but it is worth considering that events outside school can have a huge impact. Please contact 01332 641400.

Winston’s Wish

The service provides help for grieving young people and their families. They offer practical support and guidance and help young people to rebuild their lives. They also help families, professionals and anyone concerned about a grieving child or young person.

Their website contains a young persons’ interactive page and also many pages for schools with resources and advice that may be downloaded as well as support from other agencies.

General enquiries: 01242 515157Helpline: 08452 030405Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk


Organisations offering support

Addaction www.addaction.org.ukTel: 01332 254505

Childhood Bereavement Network

www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk Tel: 0115 911 8070

Childline www.childline.org.ukTel: 0800 1111

Derby Advice and Law Centre www.citizensadviceandlawcentre.orgTel: 01332 228700 / 295711

Compassionate Friends www.tcf.org.uk Tel: 0117 953 9639

CRUSE Bereavement Care

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk Helpline: 0844 4779400Young Persons Helpline: 0808 8081677Derby Branch Tel: 01332 869388

MIND National Association for Mental Health

www.mind.org.uk Tel: 0845 766 0163

NHS Directwww.nhsdirect.nhs.uk/guideTel: 0845 4647

PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide

www.papyrus-uk.orgTel: HOPELineUK: 08000 684141

Parentline Plus www.parentline.org.uk Tel: 0808 800 2222

Relate (safe speak) www.safespeak.org.ukTel: 0800 093 5264

Samaritans www.samaritans.orgTel: 08457 909090

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide

www.uk-sobs.org.ukHelpline: 08445 616855Tel: 0115 9441117

The Child Bereavement Charity www.childbereavement.org.uk Tel: 01494 446648

The Compassionate Friends Sibling Support

http://tcfsiblingsupport.org.ukTel: 08451 232304

The Laura Centre www.thelauracentre.org.ukTel: 0116 2545981

The Space www.derby.gov.uk/EducationLearning/YouthService/thespaceTel: 01332 364445

Youth Offending Service, Youth Offending Teams - Derby

www.yjb.gov.ukTel: 01332 256820


Frequently Asked QuestionsThere are no definite ‘right’ answers to these questions. The comments below may be helpful when addressing issues around bereavement and loss.

How do you explain what ‘dead’ means to a young child?Young children need repeated age appropriate information.It may take years for full comprehension to develop.Use the words ‘dead’ and ‘died’ rather than words like ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘lost’.Give a simple explanation of the cause of death and how that prevents the body from working.Explain that someone who has died does not eat or drink, nor feel pain. They have not gone away, so they can’t come back to life.Seeing a creature that is dead helps understanding more than words. Even seeing a dead insect and noticing the differences from a live insect can help.In many cultures it is expected that children will be able to see the dead body, to help them understand what has happened.

What should I do in the immediate aftermath of a death, to help a child or their carer? Should I say anything, or send a card?

This is a signifi cant event in a child’s life and we need to acknowledge it. Just saying something like “I am very sorry to hear your mummy has died” is important. It helps the child to know that you are aware of the death.A card or note to a carer acknowledges this loss and may give you the opportunity to offer help.Talk to colleagues about who needs to know about the death and how you will share this information.

How can we include children in the ceremonies surrounding death?Some families will follow fi xed or traditional practices or customs following a death. Children can benefi t from a clear explanation of what is going to happen.Even quite young children can contribute to a funeral or memorial, for example, by choosing fl owers, a piece of music, drawing a picture or choosing a favourite toy to bring with them.Sometimes if a child has not been directly involved in the funeral (or was not able to understand it), the family could hold a child-friendly ceremony to remember and say good-bye.

What can we do to stop children blaming themselves or others unrealistically?Make sure you use simple and unambiguous words to explain the cause of death. In many cases words such as “there is nothing anyone (or we) could have done to stop Daddy dying” are helpful.It is important to help children and young people understand it is not their fault that the person died.Pay attention to what a child says or does, including any role play, so that you can reassure them if they show signs of guilt or regret about things they have done.Remind them of positive things they did for the person who died. For example, “Your sister loved playing hide and seek with you”.If a close family member or carer has a terminal illness it is helpful to give some advance warning that they are seriously ill.


When a child who has been bereaved is behaving badly, how should we respond?

Make sure that you do not label a child ‘bad’ because of particular behaviours. Noticing when, where and with whom a child behaves in a certain way will help you to fi nd ways of responding appropriately.It is generally helpful to keep consistent boundaries. Knowing there are limits helps children feel more secure.Whilst still keeping boundaries, it is helpful to acknowledge feelings that may be being expressed. “I can see that you are very angry; it is OK to be angry, but not OK to punch me”.It is quite common for children to be less capable and appear to go backwards for a time following bereavement. Concentration and other abilities may not be at the level they were before, especially if a child feels anxious or afraid.Addressing the needs of the child (for instance, for information, reassurance and security) may help to address the underlying cause of diffi cult behaviour.

For how long will children grieve?A signifi cant bereavement will be part of a child’s experience for the rest of their life.Certain events, reminders or anniversaries are likely to trigger feelings and thoughts about the dead person.Children go in and out of grief. This is true both over the short and longer term. Directly following a bereavement they may move in and out of grief feelings from moment to moment.As they grow and develop they may re-visit a death with their new awareness and understanding. This may trigger new feelings of grief.Studies have shown that children are affected by bereavement for a long time. The Harvard Bereavement Study reported that a signifi cant proportion of the children showed more emotional distress two years after a death, than immediately following their bereavement.


Should staff share their own feelings with children? How can staff support each other?

Children learn from others. Often it is through adults talking about thoughts and feelings that children can make sense of their own experience.In supporting a child we need to focus on their experience rather than our own. However, it is important to acknowledge your own feelings, especially where they also recognise a child’s loss, for example “I feel sad when I think about your mummy dying”.Talking about your own experience of loss in age appropriate language can be very helpful to a young child.All staff that work with a bereaved child need to be informed as quickly and clearly as possible about a death.In supporting staff it is important to respect individual differences. Some may need the opportunity to talk; others may prefer to cope by getting involved in other activities or focusing on the needs of the children. It is valuable to acknowledge the impact a bereavement may have on the staff.Some time at staff meetings can be given to acknowledge the impact of a death and to address any issues and questions that have arisen.

How can we help children to remember and make sense of the life of the person who has died?

Talk naturally about the person who died.Photographs are invaluable reminders of the life of the person who died. Some families fi nd that creating a memory box for each bereaved child is invaluable.A child is likely to be interested in two different aspects of their life; their relationship with the child and what they were like as a person. For example, if a parent has died, anyone who knew them will be able to share stories about their earlier life. For instance, “I remember when I fi rst saw your mummy holding you” or “I remember going to the park with your daddy when we were your age”.If you acknowledge anniversaries and other signifi cant events (Mother’s Day for example) you will provide opportunities for the child to remember and make sense of their loss.

How are other young children likely to react when one of their peers is bereaved? Why do young children sometimes react by bullying a child whose mother or father has died?

They may react in a whole host of ways. Some common reactions are fear, disbelief, not understanding, anger and sympathy.The information they are given should include some guidance about how to be with the bereaved child. This can make signifi cant difference to behaviour.Bullying often comes about from fear and lack of understanding or knowledge. Children fi nd it frightening to think that someone so signifi cant can die. They may blame the bereaved child for their own uncomfortable feelings.Children use ‘difference’ as a cue to bully. Bereaved children’s own behaviour may add to the perceived difference. On occasion they may also exhibit angry and aggressive behaviour which may trigger reprisals.


What should we do about Mother’s and Father’s Day? Are there any other significant celebrations where we need to be especially thoughtful about a bereaved child’s experience?

Openly acknowledge the anniversary, recognising that if a father or mother has died these days may highlight the loss.If an activity has been planned, give the child a choice about taking part, and in what way. In many cases a child will be pleased to make a card for a deceased parent, perhaps placing this on a grave or other special place.Other days are child, family and culture specifi c. Birthdays, religious festivals, visits or meetings with people that have a particular connection to the deceased may trigger stronger feelings or loss. All these occasions also provide opportunities to remember the person who has died and honour the importance of their relationship.Having acknowledged someone’s absence it can be helpful to give a clear message that it is all right for children to have fun. For instance, “Mum would really want you to enjoy your birthday”.

Should we talk about heaven?We need to be aware that young children may not be able to clearly understand any explanation of death whether spiritual or physical in nature. Their understanding will increase as they get older.It is important to make sure religious or spiritual explanations do not create fears through misunderstandings. For instance, a child may be frightened that someone, ‘Jesus’, can come and take them away.For many children and families it is natural and important to talk about heaven or another form of after life. It is important to acknowledge and respect this part of a child’s reality.In a secular setting, it may be appropriate to refl ect on a range of beliefs, for example “Some people believe . . ., other people think . . .” or to allow the child to talk about their own beliefs.Children will often say they want to go to heaven and see the person who has died. This is usually a natural expression of the desire to be with this person. Saying something like, “You wish that you could see mummy now, and it is very sad that you can’t” helps to acknowledge the child’s feelings and the reality of loss.


What do you say if a parent has died not from illness, but from suicide, murder, drug abuse or a preventable accident?

We may naturally want to protect children from diffi cult and traumatic events but pretending that they have not happened does not help in the long run. Even if you tried to keep information secret, children will often overhear or pick up on other people’s thoughts and feelings about a traumatic death.We want to avoid overloading the child with too much information at once, but at the same time we need to be open and honest.Sometimes it may be appropriate for a child to learn the whole story about a death over a long period of time, as they develop and grow. When a death occurs it is important that children see some of the pieces of the jigsaw. Over time they will be given more pieces so that eventually they can see the whole picture.Sometimes we may doubt a child’s story about a death because it shocks us or does not seem to make sense. Initially accept their version of events, then if unsure check with an adult in case they are confused.If there is a great deal of anger in the family about a death, then some understanding of who or what the anger is directed at helps a child to know that they are not being blamed.

How can we help bereaved babies and very young children to feel more secure?

Respond to the basic need for physical holding.Provide as much that is familiar as possible. Storybooks, a piece of clothing from the person who died or perfume may all provide comfort.Provide as much continuity of care and carer as possible.Give children age appropriate information.Provide activities which are relaxing and soothing, for example sand and water play, massage, music and ones which allow children to ‘let off steam’, such as running, jumping and dancing.

How do you help a child while they are adjusting to a new home or carer?Be sensitive to the impact of the change; pay close attention to how the child is responding.Acknowledge the reality of the change by talking about differences, for example “Going to bed is different now because you share a room with Jo”.Where possible allow the child some choice. Even being given small choices, “Which duvet cover do you want?” helps to give a sense of some personal control.Find out about familiar routines and keep as many as possible.Allow the child to take their time to adjust; allow them to express negative feelings about the change, including towards new carers in their lives.This situation may be one where a professional setting - playschool, nursery or a childminder may provide valuable continuity and familiarity.


What physical symptoms of illness might a child have, as a result of bereavement?

First, if a child displays any physical symptoms it is important to treat them medically. Make sure that any illness or underlying physical cause has been treated or ruled out.Grief and other strong emotional pain hurts. Sometimes it hurts physically – places that many people feel this pain are in the throat, chest, stomach and head.A child may worry that they could have the same illness as the person who died, and they may echo symptoms of the illness. This may be to seek reassurance that they will be ok.Sometimes being physically hurt may provide the opportunity to cry or release other feelings. Children may on occasion deliberately fall over for this release and/or because they need attention.

If a parent who died was estranged from the one who is now looking after a child, what issues might arise?

There may be family confl ict, including issues about custody of the child.The child may have to cope with a lot of further changes. These might include moving house, friends, nursery/school, losing or gaining contact with relatives and having a new main carer.Where there was little contact with the parent who died it may take longer for the death to fully register. This may be a death and relationship that the child will need to re-visit as they develop.The surviving parent may need to contain their own negative feelings about the deceased, to allow the child to freely mourn their loss.This is a potentially diffi cult situation for everyone. It will make a great difference if people can see the child’s needs as a priority when considering practical arrangements.In a situation where the parent who died had a diffi cult relationship with the child, grieving will be more complicated. The child has lost the chance for things to be better, and memories may be painful rather than comforting.


Section 6Secondary Effects of Childhood Bereavement

1999 Sue Smith Copyright Jessica Kingsley PublishersThe Forgotten Mourners 2nd Edition - Guidelines for Working with Bereaved Children

Possibility of short term foster placement initially

Reception into Care Long term placement

Adoption New family rules

Possible loss of contact with extended family

Stigma

Multiple moves

Possible new rejection

Loss of history

Possible reluctance of other Parent

Facing previous unresolved loss/ rejection issues

Live with Other Parent

New half/step siblings

New rules

Live with Other Relative

Possible move to new town/area

Change schoolsPossible rejection Loss of own home

Loss of friendsMay mean multiple moves

Death of the Parent


Letter TemplatesThese are two examples of a letter to parents. Please feel free to change them according to the needs of the situation. (Taken with permission from Winston’s Wish website)

Death of a Teacher

School logo and address

Date

Dear Parents

Your child’s class teacher had the sad task of informing the children of the

tragic death of Name, who has been a teacher at this school for number of

years.

Our thoughts are with Name’s family at this time and in an effort to try

and respond to his/her death in a positive manner, all children have been

informed.

The children were told that Name died from an asthma attack on Date. A

number of pupils have been identifi ed as being asthmatic and Name, the

School Nurse has today reassured them that it is unusual for a person to

die from asthma.

When someone dies, their family and friends have lots of feelings -

sadness, anger and confusion - which are all normal. The children have

been told that their teachers are willing to try and answer their questions at

school, but I have made available some information which may help you to

answer your child’s questions as they arise. You can obtain this from the

school offi ce.

The funeral will take place at Named Place of Worship or Crematorium

on Day and Date at Time. Your child may wish to attend the funeral. If this

is the case you may collect your child from school and accompany them to

the funeral.

Yours faithfully

NameHeadteacher


Death of a Pupil

School logo and address

Date

Dear Parents

Your child’s tutor had the sad task of informing the children of the death of Name, a pupil in Year.They were told that Name died from an illness called cancer. Sometimes people who have cancer can get better, but other times people die from it. Name had been ill with cancer for a long time and died at home yesterday.When someone dies, their family and friends have lots of feelings - sadness, anger and confusion - these are all normal. The children have been told that their teachers are willing to try and answer their questions at school, but I have made available some information which may help you to answer your child’s questions as they arise. You can obtain this from the school offi ce.The funeral will take place at Named Place of Worship or Crematorium on Day and Date at Time. Your child may wish to attend the funeral. If this is the case you may collect your child from school and accompany them to the funeral. Please inform your child’s tutor if this is the case.

Yours faithfully

NameHeadteacher


After the Event

Supporting children after a frightening event

This leafl et is designed to help you to understand how children and young people might react to frightening events, and to give you some ideas of what might help. Further copies are freely available from www.traumaticstress.org.uk.Reactions after a frightening event

Children and young people sometimes witness or are involved in things that they fi nd very scary or stressful such as accidents, fi ghts or terrorist attacks. As they try to understand what happened and ‘get their heads around it’, the following reactions are common:

Nightmares.Memories or pictures of the event unexpectedly popping into their mind.Feeling as if it is actually happening again.Repetitive play or drawing about the event that doesn’t seem to be for fun.Not wanting to think or talk about the event.Avoiding anything that might remind them of the event.Getting angry or upset more easily.Not being able to concentrate.Not being able to sleep.Being more jumpy and being on the look out for danger.Becoming more clingy with their parents or carers.Physical complaints such as stomach aches or headaches.Temporarily losing ability, such as feeding and toileting.Problems at school.


It’s quite normal to be upset after a frightening event; you and your child may feel anger, sadness, guilt, horror and confusion. Children and young people worry less if you help them to see that their reactions are normal and understandable.

Memories of frightening events often start as pictures and sounds that pop into our heads when we don’t want them to.

The memories may bring with them all the fear and diffi cult feelings that went with the original event.

What can be done to help?

Try and make things as normal as possible. We all feel safer when we know what to expect. A frightening event often makes people unsure of what’s coming. You can help your child feel safer sooner, by sticking to their normal routines as much as possible.

Be available to talk with your child, as and when they are ready

Sometimes parents and carers try to protect children by avoiding talking about the event. They worry that they will upset the child unnecessarily or make things worse. Some people hope that by keeping quiet, their child will forget all about the event. In fact, children are likely to want to talk about what’s happened, and they may need adult help with this.

Talking is usually helpful, but needs to be done carefully and sensitively at the right time for your child. Try and provide opportunities, support and encouragement to help them to talk about it when they’re ready rather than force them to. Some children may want to use dolls or toys, or draw pictures.

Although it can be diffi cult or distressing, thinking about, talking about and drawing what happened, can help the memories change into memories that we think about when we want to. This makes them less frightening.

If it’s diffi cult for you to talk to your child right now, you could get another adult to help, such as a family member or a trusted teacher. It is important that all adults keep to the same story so that the child is not confused.

Answer your child’s questions truthfully

Encourage your child to ask questions. Try to answer them simply and honestly. They may need to ask the same question several times, as a way of coming to terms with what has happened.


Help your child to come up with a ‘story’ that explains what happened

The story should make sense, put together the main facts and be truthful but appropriate for the child’s age. Even younger children can really benefi t from being given a story to explain what happened. This helps in many ways:

It helps the child to make sense of the upsetting event and to reduce some of the unpleasant feelings such as fear, anger and sadness.Talking through the story can help correct misunderstandings. For example, some children believe that what happened was their fault, others are confused about important facts. You can help to avoid this by being clear and open.It is helpful for children to have a story prepared so that they can talk to others about what has happened, if they want to.Thinking things through with your child can also help children to realise that although bad things can happen, they don’t happen so often that we need to be scared of them all the time.

If someone has died, explain what it means

Often people take time to accept the reality of a death, particularly if it happened in a traumatic way. It’s not until children are about six years old that they begin to understand that death is permanent, that it happens to everyone, and that it has a cause.

Some children will seem to understand that the person has died, but then keeps asking if the person is coming back. So it’s important to be patient and take time to explain it in clear language, for example it’s clearer to say that ‘John has died’ than to say ‘John has gone on a journey’. You may need to do this more than once.

Do look after yourself

If you are upset by what has happened, it may be more diffi cult to talk with your child about the frightening event. You might want to talk to another adult about it.

When and where to seek more help

Many children feel upset for a few weeks after a frightening event. They may show this in the ways mentioned earlier. But over time most become happier again. Some children will continue to have problems several weeks after the event. If you are worried that a child is very distressed, or continues to be distressed even after a month or so, you could seek further help from your GP. They will check your child’s health and talk to you about who else could help.


References

Howath, G and Leaman, O (eds) (2001) Encyclopaedia of Death and Dying. London: Routledge. In Rowling, L (2003) Grief in school communities: effective support strategies. Buckingham: OUP.

Worden, J William (2004) Grief counselling and grief therapy. A handbook for the mental health practitioner. Brunner-Routledge.

Kubler-Ross, E (1969) On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy, and Their Own Families. New York: Macmillan.

Smith, S (1999) The Forgotten Mourners 2nd Edition – Guidelines for working with bereaved children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

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Derby City Council, Children and Young People’s DirectorateMiddleton House, 27 St Mary’s Gate, Derby DE1 3NN

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