Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and...

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will

come near to you.

Conflict is everywhere• Home

– partner - children- in-laws

• At work -the boss -colleagues-employees

• In our communities – neighbours!

How do you feel about conflict?

• Fearful “Oh NO!-I don’t need this!”

• Angry – getting ready for a fight!

• Resigned – “I have to get through this”

• Expectant – “this situation has potential”

What’s your style? RHINO?

• Are you a confronter?

• Are you scary?• Are you direct in

approach?

What’s your style? Hedgehog?

• Are you prickly?• Are you

defensive?• Do you

withdraw?

Understanding each other’s styles helps

If I decide your differences are BAD

NEWS:• I reject your ideas• I am intolerant of your

behaviour• I am refusing to listen

to you • I do not trust your

judgement• I do not give you the

benefit of the doubt

Collectively we loose

If I am dismissive about differences between us:

• I may ignore them.• I may avoid conflict but

not resolve it.• I will cold shoulder

people• Left alone -CONFLICT IS A

DESTROYER

If I view differences between us as potentially

POSITIVE:• More options• More wisdom• Trust develops• We own OUR problems

Shared solutions strengthen relationships

Conflict is healthy!

• Differences between people are normal.

• Sharing difference helps us grow.• New opinions need not be

threatening.• We can investigate options.

The root of healthy relationships

• Understanding differences• Understanding styles• Understanding needs• Listening properly • Being like Jesus – self-sacrificial and

other-centred.

What does the Bible have to say about sorting out arguments?

James 4What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."


Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbour?


Matthew 5"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, 'Do not murder and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.

Levels of Listening

• Ignoring• Pretending• Selective

Listening• Attentive

Listening• Empathetic

Listening

Helpful Tips

• eye contact• whole attention• no interrupting• give time• check and respond• smile and nod• show you understand

TEN TOP relational NEEDS

• Attention• Respect• Acceptance• Affection• Encouragement

• Appreciation• Support• Comfort• Security• Approval

Loss of +ve emotions like joy, love, affection &

romance

Emotions can fill

our cup.

Physical side effectsPhysical side effects

Impatience, quick temper

Escape into work, drugs, infidelity, pornography, etc

Loss of energy & umm..

Sleep & appetite disturbance

Depressed Mood

HurtHurt

AngerAngerBitterness & Resentment

True GuiltTrue GuiltRetaliation

False GuiltFalse GuiltCondemnation

FearsFearsInsecurities

StressStressAnxiety

Unhealthy Accumulation of negativeEmotionsOur

emotional capacity

Symptoms of a full cup

concentration

Positive Emotions

can be displaced

by….

HurtHurt





StressStressAnxiety

Draining the emotional cup

ComfortDeals with hurt

Positive Emotions

can be displaced

by….





StressStressAnxiety


Positive Emotion

HurtHurt

Positive Emotions

can be displaced

by….





StressStressAnxiety


Positive Emotion

ForgivenessDeals with anger

Positive Emotions

can be displaced

by….




StressStressAnxiety


Positive Emotion

AngerAnger

Positive Emotions

can be displaced

by….




StressStressAnxiety


Positive Emotion

ConfessionDeals with Guilt




Positive Emotion

Truthful words drive out

condemnation

StressStressAnxiet

y


Positive Emotion


StressStressAnxiety

False GuiltFalse GuiltCondemnatio

n


StressStressAnxiety


Positive Emotion

Love drives out

fear

StressStressAnxiety


Share your burden and learn to manage:

Stress and anxiety

Positive Emotion


Positive Emotion

Negative emotion

The Potential of Relational Needs

EXAMPLE OF POSITIVE OUTCOMES - functional family, good self-image, intimate relationships, maturing personality

HEALTHY BEHAVIOURS - kindness, giving to others, considerate, persue excellence

POSITIVE FEELINGS - worthy, confident

HEALTHY THINKING - I can do it, I’m really loved, I must be important

NEEDS MET - affection, approval, attention, comfort

RELATIONAL NEEDS - acceptance, appreciation, encouragement, respect, security, support

The PAIN of relational needs

UNMET NEEDS - neglect, abuse, rejection, criticism“FAULTY THINKING” - what’s wrong with me? I don’t matter, I’ll try harder

NEGATIVE FEELINGS - unworthy, anxious, condemned or bitter, hurt

UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOUR - acting out manipulative games, addictions, compulsions, self-abuseEXAMPLE OF PAINFUL OUTCOMES - Disfunctional family, poor identity, personality disturbances, problems in living

Copyright “Time for Families”

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

Remember: the relationship is more

important than the issue

4. Describe how you “FEEL”

9. Try the solution and review after an agreed period of time

1. Choose a time & place

2. Stick to the point

3. If things get out of hand, take ‘time out’ (cup of tea) & agree to continue later

5. Use “I” rather than “you”

6. “Reflective” listening to what is being said

7. Say ‘sorry’ and forgive each other

8. If no immediate agreement can be found, agree on a temporary solution

THE CYCLE OF ATHE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIPTHE CYCLE OF ATHE CYCLE OF A RELATIONSHIPRELATIONSHIP

ROMANCEREALITY REACTIO

N

RENEWAL REFLECTION RESISTANC

E

Our Our partnership partnership is perfect . .is perfect . .

except for except for this LITTLE this LITTLE problem . .problem . .

. . Which . . Which needs needs sorting out sorting out NOW!NOW!

STOP STOP interferininterfering in MY g in MY life!life!

C’mon,we C’mon,we need to need to talk about talk about it!it!

Let’s Let’s agree on agree on how we how we move move forward!forward!

When dealing with conflict, target the issue . . When dealing with conflict, target the issue . . ..

NOTNOT the the person !person !

WHAT IS WHAT IS YOUR YOUR PREFERRED PREFERRED LANGUAGE OF LANGUAGE OF LOVE ?LOVE ?

GIVING/RECEIVING GIFTSGIVING/RECEIVING GIFTS

THOUGHTFUL THOUGHTFUL ACTSACTSTIME TOGETHERTIME TOGETHER

PHYSICAL PHYSICAL TOUCHTOUCH

WORDS, WORDS, WORDS, WORDS, WORDS,WORDS,

HU

RTS

HU

RTS H

UR

TS

HU

RTS

NO NO FISHINGFISHING

FORGIVENESS,FORGIVENESS,

It’s more than a It’s more than a feeling . . . feeling . . .

It’s a DECISION!It’s a DECISION!

““Let’s dump our hurts here and move on Let’s dump our hurts here and move on together !”together !”

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and...

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