SUBBING Tweets

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    48 WWW.FACEBOOK .COM/ZOOMAGAZINE

    A c ollec tion of th e most hi lar ious Twitterr amb ling s fr om this y ear

    8Tim Vine @RealTimVineAug 8Im in Wagamama. Everybody loves Ramen

    4OhNoSheTwitnt @OhNoSheTwitnt Sep 1Just tried to retweet my own tweet and now I know what it feels liketo be Kanye

    11Seth MacFarlane@SethMacFarlaneOct 8Please dont show me a photo by handing me your phone. I know atsome point youve used it right after touching your balls

    3Jon Richardson @RonJichardsonMay 29Ordered a porcini dish for lunch. Manager took my money thendenied all knowledge. Last time I order the Cep Platter#ohyesidid#fifafofum

    6James Martin @PundamentalismJun 15Jurassic World takes $511 million in the opening weekend the biggestpayday for dinosaurs since the 2018 & 2022 FIFA World Cup bids

    7John Cross @johncrossmirror Oct 3At least Englands rugby team won a World Cup match

    9Summer Ray @SummerRayJan 12The most impressive thing about Arsenal is how its very nearly twobum words in one name

    2Ed Byrne @MrEdByrneJul 3I hope thats just lightning outside, not the terminator arrivingbecause none of my clothes will fit him

    5Boothby Graffoe@boobygraffoe Oct 6Theresa May too large to fit in studio so she has to stand outsideand be interviewed through the window

    10Anne-Marie Tomchak @AMTomchak May 7Ha! #GE2015

    1Tom Carter@Pointless_Alias Oct 6I couldnt believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was justbang out of order

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    49WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE

    12Wenger Knows Best@wengerknowsbest Oct 27

    We played SheffieldWednesday, on a Tuesday. Theyplayed well, yes, but overallI believe we accidentallyplayed them one day too early

    15Rhys James @RhysjamesyJun 29If video games encourage kids to be violent, then TimeTeamencourages kids to go grave robbing

    13Rob Brydon@RobBrydonOct 29Bonds ability to pack an extensive wardrobe using onlyhand luggage is enviable

    20Milton Jones

    @themiltonjonesSep 22Squashed on the Tube. So this isbeing a Pringle

    21Darth Vader @DepressedDarth Jun 3Because youre worth it

    19JimmyCarr@jimmycarrMay31SeppBlattersstaying.IwouldntbesurprisedifthenextWorldCupwasheldinIslamicState(andIbetwereinthegroupofdeath)

    22James Blunt@JamesBluntJan 16Unless I find your bum. RT @zomboy666:Ive got f**kingJames Blunt in my head. I suppose at least that means my daycant get any worse

    16Rob Delaney @robdelaney Aug 19My decision to take my wife on an emergency two-weekno-Wi-Fi holiday in the Gobi Desert has nothing to do with theAshley Madison hack

    24Accidental Partridge@AccidentalPMar 2

    #AccidentalPartridge

    (Via @martysaleh)

    17Ickle Reviews @ickletweetsAug 1#Telly: BBC News uses new iPad hand as sports reporterbizarrely pretends to use a tablet

    14Deluded Brendan @DeludedBrendanJul 21Raheem Sterling has blocked me. Thats disappointing

    23Andrew Paterson @AndrewPaterson_ Feb 27Very happy to announce that Ive renewed my contract

    with Asda and will continue working weekends for the near future

    18JackWhitehall

    @jackwhitehall

    Sep20

    Comeonguys,weve

    allbeendrunkand

    poppedourtodgerin

    apigsmouth.

    *Everyoneturnsand

    stares.*

    (Longsilence.)

    Illgetmycoat

    COMPILED

    BY:JoeBarnesandGeorgeMartin

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    50 WWW.FACEBOOK .COM/ZOOMAGAZINE

    32CheekySport @CheekySport Oct 13Guess who didnt qualify for#Euro2016 #Holland

    30Larry the Cat @Number10catAug 6BREAKING: The Government has sent in its topnegotiator to end the #tubestrike

    33Faces in Things@FacesPicsJun 6Hi! Working on yer bike, are ya?

    27Christian Ridley

    @chrees_ridleyOct 13My new thesaurus is terrible.Not only that, but its alsoterrible

    34Mrs Ronnie Pickering@PickeringMrsSep 28Ronnie went to a job interview yesterday.When they asked his name he punched thebloke. Still waiting to hear if hes got it

    26BBC Sporf @BBCSporf

    May 16FACT: Sadio Mane has scored moreleague goals in three minutesthan Mario Balotelli has managedin a whole season

    25

    35Patrick Smith @psmith Aug 6This is apparently a real thing that

    happened on the London Overground. Doyou know this man?

    31Funny Humour@funnyhumour Feb 7If Im not mistaken, Tipp-Ex is pretty useless28Funny Joke@funnyjokebook Jul 4Wi-Fi went down for five minutes,so I had to talk to my family. They seemlike nice people

    50 W W W F A CE B OO K C O M / ZO O M AG A ZI N E

    36Bad Dad Jokes @baddadjokesNov 1My son asked me to stop singing Oasissongs in public.I said maybe#joke #dadjoke #dadjokes

    29@DxhtyMa

    r2

    @LAGalaxytodaysmyb

    irthday!

    CanIgetareplyfrommy

    favouriteUSA

    club?

    LAGalaxy@LAGalaxy

    Happybirthday

    @Dxhty

    .@LAGalaxyjokesyoure

    sh*t.Everton

    wouldsh*tonyou

    LAGalaxy@LAGalax

    y

    @Dxhtyhilarious

    @Dxhty

    .@LAGalaxyhopeyouge

    trelegated

    LAGalaxy@LAGalaxy

    @Dxhtythatsliterallyim

    possible

    Aug 6

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    51WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/ZOOMAGAZINE

    38First World Pains @FirstWorldPains Jun 7When you finally see that big-ass mosquito

    39Frankie Boyle @frankieboyle Apr 7The only way to engage the British public with this electionwould be to put your policies in the PornHub sidebar

    40Kevin Hart@KevinHart4realOct 15Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take ash*t when youre a mile-and-a-half away from your bathroom. Ialmost sh*tted in a bush

    37 Jeremy Clarkson @JeremyClarkson Feb 25Wanted: new presenter for Top Gear. Applicant should be old,badly dressed and pedantic but capable of getting to work on time

    46Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrumpMar 21

    Its snowing and freezing in NYC.What the hell ever happened toglobal warming?

    45David Schneider @davidschneiderAug 24Foursome to split and go their separate ways from March.#inevitable

    Oh, you mean One Direction

    44Maurie Sherman @DamnitMaurieSep 28Exclusive first photo of water on #Mars#MarsAnnouncement @KiSS925

    42Conan OBrien @ConanOBrien Oct 23Sorry, Jeb Bush, talking about your favourite Marvelsuperheroes does not count as making yourself a DC outsider

    47Sage Boggs@sageboggsApr 7

    Thomas Edison: I have an idea.(A f**ked up rough draft of thelightbuld appears above his head)

    43

    Funny Tweets@FunnyThingsUKAug 2

    Every time Cech makes a save for Arsenal #CommunityShield

    41Mikey Smith @mikeysmithSep 28Pope revealed to be Dilophosaurus 49Cullen Crawford@HelloCullen

    Sep 1My movie about horseswith attitudes:StraightOutta Clomptown

    50Elizabeth Windsor@Queen_UK Sep 15Making a few spending cuts. Just traded the PMs Jaguar in forone of these. Were all in it together after all

    48Russell Howard@russellhoward Apr 29Probably sit in the bath and watch myboobs float #AskRussell

    Ella @EllaJadeDaly1If you were a woman for a day, what wouldyou do? #AskRussell