Divorce, Single-Parent Families, and Stepfamilies Chapter 15.
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Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service
The Purpose of this Lesson:•Explorethedifferingcharacteristicsofbiological
familiesandstepfamilies.•Recognizethetransitionsandadjustmentswhich
stepfamiliesusuallyexperience.•Initiatediscussiononhowextendedfamilyandthe
communitycansupportstepfamilies.
Preparing for the Lesson•Readthroughtheentireteachingguidebeforeyou
presentthelesson.•Prepareyourselfforeachactivitybyimagining
people’sreactionsandyourresponses.•Haveapaperplateandpencilforeachparticipant.•Haveaflipchartorwritingboardavailablefor
recordinggroupresponses.•Haveanevaluationformforeachparticipantto
completeattheendofthelesson.•To group leader: Pleasesendcompletedevaluation
formstoCharlotteShoupOlsen,KSUSchoolofFamilyStudiesandHumanServices,343JustinHall,Manhattan,KS66506.Thankyou.
The LessonDidyouknowthatstepfamiliesarebecomingmorecommon?Stepfamilieshaveexistedformanygenerations.Inthepast,theywereusuallyformedfollowingthedeathofapartner;now,moststepfamiliesarecreatedafteradivorceorseparation.
LEADER’S GUIDE
Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies
Charlotte Shoup Olsen, Ph.D., CFLE, Professor and Family Studies Specialist
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What is a Stepfamily?Astepfamilyisafamilyinwhichatleastoneadulthasachildorchildrenfromapreviousrelationship.“Blended”and“remarried”areothernamesappliedtostepfamilies.Insomehomes,theadultcouplemaynotbemarried,butthefamilyislivinglikeastepfamily.Stepfamiliesdealwithcommonfamilymattersandspecialconcernsaswell.Stepparentshaveaready-madefamilyfromthebeginning.Thenewfamilymustlearntolivetogetherandgetalong.Inadditiontothestepfamily,thereareformerspousesorpartners,grandparents,grandchildren,friends,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andothersinthecommunitywhohavetoadjusttothenewstepfamily.Becomingasuccessfulstepfamilycantaketime.
Activity 1Giveeachpersonapaperplateandapencil.Asktheparticipantstoteartheirplateintotwosectionsinanywaydesired(zig-zag,straight,curved,etc.)aslongasitresultsintwopieces,notthreeorfour.Nowthatyouhavetwopieces,passonepiecetothepersononyourleft.Putthetwohalvestogetherandexaminethefit.
•Dotheyfitexactly?•Isitasmoothfit?
Itisnormalthatthetwohalvesdonotfitbecausetheycomefromdifferentplates.Fittinganewstepfamilytogetherisjustaschallenging.
•Bothadultsandtheirchildrenhaveaprevioushistorywithdifferenttraditionsandwaysofdoingthings.
•Eachfamilymemberhashisorherownhabits,attitudes,values,andpreferences.
•Evenifonepartnerhasnochildren,thisindividualalsohascertainexpectationsforroutinedailylivingthatmaybedifferentfromthenewpartner.
Thinkaboutthedifferencesbetweenfamiliesinwhichthecoupleismarriedforthefirsttimeascomparedtofamilieswhereoneorbothadultshavechildrenfrompreviousrelationships.Often,astepfamilyassumestheyshouldactandfeellikeafirst-timemarriedfamily;inreality,thatisimpossible.Asktheparticipantstoeitherwriteonthepaperplatepiecesorthinkaboutsomedifferencesbetween
1)biologicalfamilieswithoutstepfamilymembersand2)stepfamilies.Encouragethemtothinkaboutthedifferencesbetweenbiologicalfamiliesandstepfamilies—eachhavingyoungchildren,teenagers,adultchildren,oradultchildrenwiththeirownfamilies.Suggestthattheyvisitwithsomeonesittingnexttothemaboutthesedifferences.Afterafewminutes,askthegrouptosharetheirideas.Listtheseresponsesonaflipchartorwritingboard.Stepfamiliesmusttakemanydifferencesintoconsiderationastheygoabouttheirdailylives.Hereisasummaryofthedifferencesthatyoumayormaynothavethoughtabout:A stepfamily is born of loss.Adivorce,death,orseparationcomesbeforethestepfamily.Thefeelingsthatcomewiththatlossmustbetakenintoconsideration.Adivorceorseparationrepresentsalossofdreamsfortheadultsinvolved,regardlessofthecircumstances.Aparentwhohasdiedmaybeelevatedtosainthoodandthepartnerwantsanexactreplacement.Or,anadultmaybelookingfortheexactoppositeofaformerpartner.Childrengrievethelossoftheirfirstfamily,nomatterhowimperfectitmayhavebeen.Itisnotunusualforstepfamiliestodiscoverthatthesefeelingscreatetensionifnooneiswillingtorecognizeandtalkaboutthem.Itcanhelpifthestepparentsacceptthistensionanditsoriginsandunderstandthattimeandpatiencewillberequiredtoovercomethischallenge.Individuals in stepfamilies have different personal histories. Amanandhischildrenmayformafamilywithawomanwithoutchildren.Thefatherandhischildrenwillhavememories,traditions,andsometimesprivatejokesthatdonotincludethenewstepmother.Ifbothpartnersbringchildrentothefamily,thereareseveralsetsofhistoriesandrelationshipsthatcannotbeignored.Someonemayfeellikeanoutsiderattimes,sootherfamilymembersmayneedtotryadifferentapproachtohelpeveryonefeelincluded.There can be differences in family traditions and values.Meals,homework,discipline,familyrules,holidaycelebrations,andinheritanceexpectationsarejustafewoftheissueslikelytobequestionedinstepfamilies.Differencesintraditionsandvaluesarenotrightorwrong,justdifferent.Theoldertheparentsandchildren,thelongerthehistoryand
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3. It is not unusual for a stepfamily to take at least four years or more to feel like a solid family.Theansweristrue.Therearesomanytasksforthenewstepfamilythatitmayseemoverwhelming.Initially,theadultsmaybeecstaticovertheirnewpartnerrelationship.Theirchildrenmaythinkotherwise.Asrealitysettlesin,itmayseemchaotic.Theparentmightfeelatugbetweenthechildandthenewpartner.Theremaybegrievingoverthelossofthefirstfamily,butnoonerealizesit.Evenadeceasedparentmaytakeonlarger-than-lifestatusandchildrenclingtotheideathatlifewouldbebetteriftheyhadtheir“real”parent.Everydaylivingisastruggle.Disciplineandmoneycanbebigissues.Gettingalongwiththeex-spouseandinlawsmaybeoverwhelming.Adultstepchildrenmaybeconcernedabouttheirinheritance.Tensionfillstheair.Togetpastthisstage,thecouplemustdevelopawarenessofthemanydynamicsthatareoccurringandunderstandthatthefeelingsofloss,disloyalty,andrejectionarenormal.Stepsthatmayhelpare:
•Thestepparentspendingtimewitheachstepchildindividually,suchasassistingwithaschoolproject,playinggames,cooking,ordoingotheractivities.
•Thestepparentsupportingthebiologicalparentratherthandirectlydiscipliningthestepchild(ren).
•Creatingnewfamilytraditionsthathelpallfamilymembersfeelliketheybelong,suchasafamilymovieorgamenight.
4. A strong couple relationship is an important part to forming a strong stepfamily.Theansweristrue.Couplesneedtofocusonbuildingandmaintainingastrong,caringrelationship.Parentsmayfeelguiltyaboutgivingattentiontothenewpartnerratherthanthechildren,butastrongcouplewhoworksasateamhaslessriskofdissolvingtheirrelationshipthancoupleswhoarepulledintopowerstrugglesoverdiscipliningchildren,moneyissues,ex-spouseandextendedfamily,andotherstepfamilychallenges.Ahappyandsuccessfulcouplerelationshipstartswithadeepfriendship.Eachpartnerneedstoknowwhentheotherfeelslikeanoutsiderandworktodecreasethatfeeling.Theyconstantlyworktolearnmoreabouteachother,catchuponadailybasis,knowthepartner’slikesanddislikes,andknowtheirdeepestdreams,beliefs,andfears.Theyplanfuntimestogether,too.Coupleswhohaveadeepfriendshiparemorelikelytoalwaysberespectfultowardseach
themoredifferencespossible.Stepfamilieswithstepgrandchildrenaddanotherlayerofcomplexity.Instantloveisoftenunrealisticallyexpectedbetweenstepfamilymembers.Abiologicalfamily’srelationshipwitheachchildbeginsatbirth.Inastepfamily,thenewstepparentbecomesaninstantparent,andmaybegrandparent,topersonsthatmayseemlikestrangers.Individualswithinstepfamiliesmaynotnecessarilyevenlikeeachother.Relationshipbuildingrequirescommitment,time,andpatience.
Activity 2Asyouthinkaboutthestrengthsandchallengesofstepfamilies,takeaquizbasedoninformationfromstepfamilyresearch.Raiseyourhandwhenyouthinkthestatementistrueorfalse.1. The stories and myths about wicked stepmothers such as Cinderella and Snow White do not affect today’s stepfamilies.Theanswerisfalse.Manybest-lovedfairytaleshaveintroducedandreinforcedtheimageofthecruel,uncaringstepmotherandthemistreated,unwantedstepchildforgenerations.Thislegacycanbeamajorhurdlewhenbuildingpositiverelationshipsbetweenchildrenandthestepparents.Sometimesthestepparent—especiallythestepmother—maybesointentonovercomingthisstereotypethatshetriestobe“supermom.”Thisroleisusuallyoverwhelmingforthefamilyanddiscouragingforthe“superparent.”2. Children ages 9 through 15 usually have the most difficult time adjusting to a new stepfamily situation.Theansweristrue.Childreninthisagegroupgenerallyhavestrongloyaltyissueswhenanewstepparententersthefamilybecause:
•havingthebiologicalparentsreunitemaystillbetheirfantasy;
•acceptingthenewstepparentmaymakethechildfeeldisloyaltotheabsentbiologicalparent,evenifthatparentisdeceased;and
•havingthenewstepparentmaymakethechildfeeldisplacedandangered.
Youngerchildrenhavehadlesstimetoestablishstrongloyaltytiesandaremoreadaptabletochange.Olderadolescentsmaybemoreconcernedabout“breakingawayfromthenest”andmayevenwelcomelessattentionastheirbiologicalparentconcentratesonanewpartner.
other,evenwhentheydisagree.Theycanweathermaritalstormsmucheasierthanacouplethathasnotdevelopedmutualadmiration.Thecouplemayneedprofessionaladviceiftheyarenolongerintuneandexperienceseriousrelationshipproblems.5. A stepparent living with a stepchild has the same legal rights as the biological parent.Theanswerisfalse.Stepparentsareoftensurprisedthattheydonotautomaticallyhavepermissiontosignparentalconsentformsforschoolandmedicalpurposes.Thechild’sparentmaywanttoprovidethestepparentwithalimitedpowerofattorneytohelpprotecteveryone,especiallyintheeventthatanemergencyoccurswhenthebiologicalparentisnotavailable.Furthermore,thestepparenthasnolegaltiestoastepchildifthebiologicalparentdiesorthecoupledivorces.Estateplanningandwillwritingarealsodelicatemattersforstepfamilies.Anexperiencedattorneyshouldbeconsultedtodiscusssuchissues.
Activity 3Therearemanypeopleoutsidetheimmediatefamilythatprovidesupport,comfort,andjoyforthestepfamily.Grandparents,aunts,uncles,friends,currentandformerin-laws,formerspouses,andperhapsteachers,clergy,andleadersofchildren’sactivitiesareallpartofstepfamilylife,butmayalsobesourcesoftensionandstress.Thinkaboutwaysthatpersonsoutsidethestepfamilycanbesupportive.Talkaboutgrandparents,livingabsentparent(s),schoolpersonnel,andcommunityleaders(i.e.youthgroup,religiousgroup,civicclub).Therearemanysourcesofsupportforstepfamilies.Sometimespersonsoutsidethestepfamilydonotrealizewhatmightbehelpfulordetrimental.Grandparents and Absent ParentsParentsoftheabsentparentandtheabsentparentthemselvesmayhavetodealwithstrongfeelingsofangerandgrieftowardmembersofthenewstepfamily.Remainingneutralandflexiblemaybehugetasksbutwillservethebestinterestsofthechild.Likewise,theadultswithinthestepfamilycanaidinsolidstepfamilygrowthiftheyarenotopenlyhostile
andnegativeaboutabsentparentsandrelatedfriendsandrelatives.Maintainingabusinessapproach,ratherthanshowingstrongemotions,canbehelpfulwhenrelationsarestrained.Grandparentsmayfindthatspendingtimewiththeirgrandchildrencanbeaninvaluablesourceofsupporttothechildrenbuthavetorealizethatfaultfindingoffamilymemberswillnothelpthechildorstepfamilyadjust.Ifagrandparenthasaspecificproblemthatneedsaddressed,itcanbediscussedprivatelywiththeparent,respectingstepfamilyboundaries.Schools and Community GroupsSchoolsandcommunitygroupsneedtobesensitivetothesituationsofstepfamilymembers.Itishelpfulwhenschoolsorcommunitygroupsrecognizethatachildmayhavetwohouseholds.Parent-teacherconferences,parentalformsforbothparents,andcommunityorganizationsthatrecognizevariousfamilytypescanhelpeasesomestepfamilystresses.
SummaryPartnersformingstepfamiliesexpectjoy,peace,andhappinessthatmayhavebeenlostinearlierrelationships.Thatisusuallynotthecasewithnewstepfamilies.Therearemanydifferences,personalities,anddifficultsituations.Thisisnormal.Learningtopostivelyhandleconflictenablesthestepfamilytomovetowardthehappinessthepartnersareseeking.Stepfamiliesmustworkatbeingbothunderstandingandflexible,developingastyleoftheirown.Atthesametime,supportfromotherscanhelpbuildlifelongbridgestostepfamilystabilityandcommitment.
ReviewersThankstoDanielBotz,J.D.,forhisreviewregardingstepfamilylegalissues.ThankstoAnnaMaeBrown,M.S.,andCharlesA.Smith,Ph.D.,forreviewingthelessonmaterials.
AuthorPreparedbyCharlotteShoupOlsen,Ph.D.,CFLE,ExtensionSpecialist,K-StateResearchandExtensionandKansasStateUniversitySchoolofFamilyStudiesandHumanServices.
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Publicationsarereviewedorrevisedannuallybyappropriatefacultytoreflectcurrentresearchandpractice.Dateshownisthatofpublicationorlastrevision.Contentsofthispublicationmaybefreelyreproducedforeducationalpurposes.Allotherrightsreserved.Ineachcase,creditCharlotteShoupOlsen,Ph.D.,CFLE,ExtensionSpecialist,Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies, Leader’s Guide, KansasStateUniversity,August2013.
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