Spring 2015

VOLUME 3

SPRING 2015

2 THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015

CON

TENTS

THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015 3

STAFF

EDITORSAliya KamalovaEditor in Chief

Anaika MillerSenior Editor

Kim SeltzerAssistant Editor

Sachin MedhekarManaging Editor

Andrew KangWriter

Amir NavehWriter

Ashlyn ThomasWriter

Brittany HewittWriter

Gayan SeneviratnaWriter

Goldstein & GoldsteinWriter

Mahir ShahWriter

Nathan MosherWriter

Stefan DismondWriter

Olivia TaylorWriter

Amanda Esther GaniArtist

Ellie MartinoArtist

Deena MostafaArtist

Maegan LuArtist

Sarita Zed-SchreiberArtist

Marcie LacerteMuse

CON

TENTS

Cover by Aliya Kamalova & Olivia Taylor

DEPARTMENTS

4 Letter From the Editor5 Between the Sheets I14 Daily Ruin23 Sky Mall26 Between the Sheets II27 Get Involved

ARTICLES

6 Ways to Deal with Your Marxist Roommate8 Urban Linguistics Studies10 The Five Types of People in Discussion Section11 Roommate’s Alarm Schedule12 “I Can’t Do This” Notes13 Week 2 Pledge Traditions16 A Typical Trip18 Sob Story Idol22 Who Do You Know Here?

ILLUSTRATION

7 Build Your Own Kerckhoff11 Virus Chart13 Paul the Dog17 LA Constellation Map


Dear Reader,

If you are reading this, that means we did it. This is the last item to be placed in the layout. I saved it for last because several times throughout the sleep-deprived week of building this magazine, I contemplated whether or not to just use this space for my letter of resignation. Instead, I dedicate this portion of the magazine to you.

Please, please, please don’t throw away this magazine.

We began Satyr as a quartely publication, in fact, up to a week ago we kept referring to it as a quarterly. I think I’m starting to now realize that print is dying. But somehow zines are really cool? Yeah. This is a zine now. This publication is an annual zine. We’re on a budget (we’re broke).

Here are some non-budget related numbers from the past quarter:

Number of times we debated the color of an absent staffer’s hair at meeting: 2 Number of times we laughed at Sarita trying to pitch something: 7Number of group meditation exercises done during meeting: 1Number of times someone says, “This one isn’t funny, but there’s something there.”: 27Number of times someone says, “This one might be too Buzzfeed-y, but there’s something there.”: 26Number of times Olivia tries to get attention from drinking Trader Joe’s Maple Water: 15Number of velvet jackets owned within staff: 1 dope red jacketRecord number of pies eaten during a single meeting: 4Number of times the word dope was used ironically: 20Number of times the word dope was used unironically: 10 11Number of grizzly bear documentaries watched during the process of building this magazine: .75Number of snack foods eaten during the process of building this magazine: a regretable amountTotal number of dates gone on collectively among staff: 0

These figures pretty much sum up this rag-tag team of decently-looking youths. Next time you see any of us on the street (as us youths often are) slip us a $20 because satire is important. We need people who aren’t afraid to call out something that needs to be called out. I’m looking at you, tuition hike. Even if these people perhaps too passionately love pie or marijuana.

I hope you enjoy the rest of this magazine. We still haven’t decided on a theme. Actually, we’ve never had a theme. Maybe it’s up to your artistic representation? Let us know in the comments below.

Rate ‘n’ subscribe,

Aliya Kamalova


Riddles to Warm You UpBy Olivia Taylor

1. You come across a stranger on the street. He poses a riddle to you, as strangers are apt to do: “I’m not racist, but everyone is racist.” Can you trust him, is he racist?

A. No.B. Yes.C. What? D. He watches Fox News.

2. A man can be a woman, and a man can be a man, a woman can be a woman, and a woman can be a man. The woman can marry the man, and the man can marry the woman, but why can’t the man marry the man?

A. Yes.B. No.C. I am a straight white male. I don’t see how this concerns me.D. Indiana.

3. What’s black and white and red all over?

A. Yes.B. Pandas at the San Diego Zoo.C. Tilicum, by the way did you see Black Fish?D. US race relations.

4. Pam and Larry both work for PetSmart where the pets go. Oh wait that’s Petco. But the point is, every day, they both come to work on time, work the same hours, just relentlessly climbing the career ladder at the largest chain of pet stores in the US, Canada, and Puerto Rico. Larry is paid 1 dollar an hour, and Pam is paid 75 cents an hour, why?

A. RATS!B. You can’t climb a career ladder with a uterus.C. Pam is a cat, NICE TRY!D. I refuse to answer this question until we address whether it’s Pet Smart or Pet’s Mart. Thanks.

Insults to Put You in Place

By Gayan Seneviratna

1. You sound like your entire mouth is buck teeth.

2. You’re like the human equivalent of Strep Throat.

3. Steve Buscemi would play you in a movie of your life (said to a girl).

4. I bet you were conceived in a PT Cruiser.

5. I didn’t believe in eugenics until I met you.

6. George Costanza is your spirit animal.

7. You’d be in Hufflepuff.

8. Remind me to never take an HD picture of your face.

9. You don’t have friends, just people who pity you.

10. You look like a “before” picture.

11. Your body type does not match societal norms for your gender. Change.

Doodle to Make You Feel Better

By Sarita Zed-Schreiber

BETWEEN THE SHEETS


Is your roommate harboring socialist sympathies? Ask yourself if they refer to themselves in third-person as “the Proletariat.” For example, “The Proletariat has a study group.” If phrases like this ever slip out, it’s probably safe to say that your randomized roommate assignment matched you up with a Marxist. Another good indicator is if your roommate expresses a vague nostalgia for the early days of the USSR. If you decide you have a Marxist roommate, here’s Satyr’s advice on how to avoid trouble with your new comrade.

1. Lock things up

The typical “putting a Post-It on your yogurt” isn’t going to work with an upper-middle class kid gone Marxist. They believe they have the same right to that yogurt as you, and your wimpy Post-It certainly won’t change that. Your best option is to buy a small safe and put the yogurt in there. It may be a little warmer than you would like, but it’s all yours. 2. Present yourself as a working-class farmer

Do anything you can to show that you are one of the proletariat. Wear overalls, talk about your crops, and frequently bring up your distaste for “Shark Tank.” If your roommate sees through your disguise, hide all sharp and blunt objects in that safe we talked about earlier. At some point, your roommate will want to stage a violent revolt against the capitalist elite, and you don’t want to be their target.

3. Take down idolatry (religious or other)

To you, that poster of John Lennon during his small, round glasses phase isn’t religious idolatry, but your Marxist roommate probably feels differently. Spare yourself the argument that will inevitably end in class warfare and just take it all down. If you must have wall hangings, keep them limited to portraits of older, white men with beards looking stoically off to the left.

By Sarah Crosthwaite

Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani


An open table

Here’s a fun little thing we made! Cut out the characters and build your very own Kerckhoff Coffee House. What will you include in your Kerckhoff?? The options are almost unlimted!

Created by Kim Seltzer & Aliya KamalovaIllustrated by Ellie Martino

A totally normal healthy snack

Someone clearly searching for their friend but trying not to make it

that obvious

Someone looking for Baskin Robbins

Someone doing slam poetry

Keyboard that may or may not work

ToasterCrumbs for toaster

Someone who is obviously a student

Bunch of Daily Bruins on the

ground

A jacket to reserve the open table

A 75 cent banana

Someone who is obviously

not a student

Cashier asking “Are you a student?”

Blender to drown out slam poet

Unrefridgerated milk/creamer

Build Your Own Kerckhoff

There are five principles in UL:

1. Content learned is dynamic and powerful2. Practice and review are essential components of the course3. Urban Linguistics is just as much a part of you as you are a part of it4. Urban Linguistics is not responsible for any harm, arrest, or disaster a student may face, create, or incur5. Have fun

I took it upon myself to put these terms into practice. Here are my

notes:

Lesson 1: I called my brother and told him I loved him. All he said was “thank you.” So,

I tried my best to meet more males on campus. I compliment-

ed men at the gym but for some reason they didn’t want to make us working out together a consistent thing. I tried again:

Tinder. I did get some matches and sent a few “hey :)’s,” but I did not expect the subsequent photos that I received. Quickly, I learned that this was not my

type of scene. Face-to-face was my ave-nue of choice. The communal bathrooms

in the dorms were also a fluke. No one likes too much eye contact. This concept may need some work.

Bromance: A platonic but elevated friendship between two males on the brink of

romance.

Lesson 2: Nothing is more appreciated than a gift or ges-ture from a stranger. With

I don’t understand this language. People tell me I’m sick, but I do not feel ill. I am not a boss of any kind. And why has no one realized that they don’t have nine lives until recently? They ask me to hang out, but I prefer it inside. And inside is where I study best.

Because of this dilemma, I enrolled in Urban Linguistic Studies. We study the language of popular culture and its usage, all of which I’m really starting to get the hang of. Here is my account of Professor Wayne’s class.

URBAN LINGUISTICS STUDIES


parking in Los Angeles being such a hassle, a selfless deed is best warranted. I make it an effort to parallel park somewhere snug. Some-where cozy. And when I do (as Professor Wayne wisely explained in class) Lesson 2 is almost un-avoidable, and usually never malicious. I park and give others a light caress, and when I do, I am successful in my urban immersion. This time though, the car alarm rang and shrieked. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing was broken or damaged. Just urban linguistics in action I suppose. My fine was $346.

Love Tap: The bump/nudge/inevitable jerk against another vehicle while parallel parking.

Lesson 3: After the third lesson, I knew that I had to sign up for anything that happened on campus or around it. My stress levels were at their peak as I tried to balance everything along with schoolwork— Urban Linguistics was not helping. I would double-book, over-schedule, procrasti-nate, skip out on plans, and I felt disappointed in myself when I missed an experience. The next lesson could not come sooner.

FOMO: Fear of missing out. The incessant and gnawing fear of missing out on any event/party/outing and that time was not spent to its fullest potential.

Lesson 4: I was finally close enough to touch her so I reached out softly. At first she didn’t react, until all of a sudden she dras-tically pulled back. For a second I thought I was doing something right. She stormed up and slapped me. She left me alone at a table in the library with only one shoe on. Clearly, she was not down to footsie. I may need to go back and study my UL notes.

DTF: Consent or willingness to have intercourse. Noun and adj.

Lesson 5: Some things are just as they are.

Kiwis: Are Kiwis.

Lesson 6: This lesson was particularly diverse and difficult to grasp. All at once things were negative and positive. Sometimes naughty and edgy. At the same time it could mean things were sexy. I was at fault; such a word gave me the power to take responsibility. It is everything and nothing at the same time. Hooray for English.

Bad: Good, not good, sexy, naughty, taking responsibility/being at fault, sexy in appearance. Variations: Bad-ass

Lesson 7: It is rumored that it is the least sensitive part of your body. I’ve been urged not to utter it in public, but it’s a goldmine of urban jargon. Anatomically speaking, it is so very flexible, but as I’ve tried pulling quite a few of them, I’ve realized mine has a ways to go. This week I did not share what I learned at the dinner table with my parents, they were still having trouble with DTF.

Wenis: The flexible skin on the elbow.

Lesson 8: Standing at the center of a concert, I felt extremely overwhelmed with this week’s lesson. There were people close be-hind me and even closer from the front. Urban Linguistics urged me to exclaim this week’s phrase in the midst of the crowd. I couldn’t tell if anyone else understood the hilarity of it all. I may have even let out a giggle or two.

Nuts to Butts: In a very crowded place, your crotch touches someone’s rear, and your rear does the same to another person. So nuts, much butts.

Lesson 9: At this point I had become an avid follower of Urban Linguistic Studies and Mr. Wayne’s philosophy. I began to integrate this phrase into my everyday language. Every frustrating and irrele-vant person felt my wrath and sass. They left, and I fired it at them. Each time, they were momentarily confused and left feeling that no one wanted them there. I even used a name that wasn’t theirs.

Bye Felicia: What you say when a girl no one likes or cares for leaves the room. This person is so irrelevant and insignificant which no one is bothered to see leave.

Anybody: “See you later, guys!”

Me: “Bye, Felicia!”

Anybody: “Who?”

Me: “Word. BYE, FELICIA”

“I called my brother and told him I loved

him. All he said was ‘thank you.’”


The Walking Dictionary: Floccinaucinihilipilification. Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Pseudopseudohypoparathyrodism. You know these are actual English words because you looked them up after class when this monster casually broke them out when the TA asked the class what time it was. The Walking Dictionary will have no qualms about calling you a spleeny, rump-fed pignut when you say something dumb in section, mostly because they know you won’t understand the insult until hours later when you worriedly consult a physical copy of the dictionary.

The Romeo: A close relative of The Soliloquist, The Romeo will transform the rest of the student population into a super-sized third wheel. In between offering to bring in Romantic poetry to read and mulling over what picnic items to bring to the next office hours, this beast has a fervent passion for your TA and isn’t afraid to show it, or declare it openly. When The Romeo begins starting one-on-one conversations with the TA in the middle of a large group discussion, it may be time to exit and take some of their store-bought chocolate on the TA’s desk on the way out.

The I Volunteer (You) As Tribute: When working in small groups, this fiend will promise to present the team’s findings to the class, and then gleefully reverse-Hunger Games you when instead they volunteer you as designated group speaker when the TA calls on your group. Stammer, stumble, and generalize your way through, because The I Volunteer (You) As Tribute will delight in every second of it.

By Goldstein & Goldstein

The Mime: Is The Mime mute, doing performance art, or in the midst of a nervous breakdown? The choice is unclear, but their lack of communication is crystal. When your TA breaks you into pairs of two, this being’s power of unease reaches its zenith when they will refuse to answer your question about their thoughts on a passage or even the courtesy “what is your major” question when discussion subsides. The Mime may have a perfect poker face, yet underneath this façade, this animal cackles in glee at your discomfort.

The Soliloquist: You may muse upon entering your classroom if you instead have wandered into the middle of a Shakespeare Theater Company production. You haven’t, but The Soliloquist seems to think you have. This silver-tongued monologist cannot seem to stop offering their long-winded comments, but never seems to make an actual point. Although this creature strives to wax poetic, the students surrounding them only wish to have wax shoved in their ears.

Oh, the people you’ll meet in your discussion section! Yep, they pretty much all suck. Within this strange, academically constructed space, one can always look forward to the serene silence that follows discussion questions the TA poses to the entire class, or the stilted small talk that occurs among the group your TA randomly placed you in once no one has anything more to offer about the use of phallic imagery in “Paradise Lost.” To the UCLA student in their first quarter or last, this guide represents your best chance of discussion section survival by meticulously cataloguing some of thefoulest beasts inhabiting it.

The Five Types of People in Your Discussion Section

Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber


Everyone knows that person whose alarm goes off 20 times a day. Because everyone knows my roommate.

After months of rolling my eyes to the cries of her phone, I finally found out exactly what she needs to be reminded of every hour, and I’ve attached screenshots here for you to share in my pain or at least get some suggestions for the next time you want attention but don’t know how to label it.

Gene Block Aliases Gene “The Block” JohnsonGene-ifer AnistonGene from the BlockGene in a bottle (gotta rub him the right way)Genie Block Pro Skater 2Cegene DionGene wit it rock wit itGene but not heardGene Girls (starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams)Gene Girls (starring Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson)Genesus ChristGenie Johns sandwichesHe’s the Gene one, Mr. GrinchLife is but a GeneLean Gene Fighting MachineYou can talk the talk but can you block The BlockBlock TrialCock BlockGene Blocardi SuperiorBlockadoodledoZachary Quinto is BlockBlocka Flacka FlameGene Blocka Blocka (This Time for Africa)Gene pronounced as Geen

Roommate’s Alarm ScheduleBy Kim Seltzer

12 THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015By Olivia Taylor


Week 2 Traditions for Pledges*

By Brittany Hewittunderlined events are mandatory*

Nail it: Grab your new favorite galpal and pair up with four other duos. Take turns painting each other’s nails in a rotation. Try to avoid intricate patterns and go for something more basic like all the same shade of white!

Group Dinner: Bring a date from our brother frat and engage in candle-lite conversation.

Blood Shots: Remove a bobby-pin from your skirt and slice open your pinkie finger. Let the blood drip into your new KKK DTOP shot glass and raise your glass to the new pledge class!

Monopoly Night: What better way to practice how to handle trust funds than to practice with fake money? This game night will feature around the table discussions of what money’s true purpose is.

Knotted Together: This evening will feature a massage-train style braiding line. Directions for all braid types can be found in appendixes A - X.

Koala Dinner: Remember to bring hiking poles!

Fun in the Sun: Wear your favorite push-up suit and get ready for our bikini photoshoot. Margaritas will be provided. All images will be used for our annual 11-month calendar.

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it w

as u

ncle

ar w

heth

er

Nat

han

was

gra

nted

a p

ass

to h

eave

n or

not

. t

sad

hour

whe

n ow

ner,

Sam

Dou

ris, f

ell

into

dep

ress

ion

afte

r hi

s 19

cat

-yea

r ol

d ca

t die

d of

a h

eart

atta

ck.

“Aft

er G

inge

r’s d

eath

, all

I w

ante

d to

do

was

drin

k, b

ut a

ll th

e lo

cal b

ars

had

happ

y ho

urs

whi

ch t

urne

d m

e aw

ay.

Tha

t’s w

hen

I de

cide

d to

ope

n

up S

addi

e’s, s

o pe

ople

lik

e m

e ha

ve a

pl

ace

to g

o,”

said

Dou

ris.

Sadd

ie’s

cust

omer

s, fr

om 5

:00-

7:00

p.

m.,

can

enjo

y a

five

dolla

r in

crea

se in

co

ckta

il pr

ices

whi

le l

iste

ning

to

Sam

Sm

ith. D

ouris

sai

d th

at S

arah

McL

ach-

lan’

s “A

nim

al C

ruel

ty”

vide

o w

ill a

lso

be p

layi

ng o

n re

peat

thr

ough

out

the

hour

.

Sadd

ie’s

spec

ialti

es

incl

ude

the

“(R

eal)

Blo

ody

Mar

y”:

tom

ato

juic

e,

fres

h gr

ound

pep

per,

a st

alk

of c

eler

y, an

d a

spla

sh o

f bl

ood

from

bar

tend

er

Mar

y’s w

rists

. tB

Y A

NA

IKA

MIL

LE

R

RU

IN S

TA

FF

BY

KIM

SE

LT

ZE

RR

UIN

ST

AF

F

BY

MA

HIR

SH

AH

RU

IN S

TA

FF

Ant

i-Va

xxer

Sec

retl

y J

ust

A

Gia

nt V

irus

in

Tre

nch

Coa

tF

rate

rnit

y Se

es

Hou

se

Und

er

Bla

ck

Lig

ht,

Can

cels

P

arty

BY

SA

RA

H C

RO

ST

HW

AIT

ER

UIN

ST

AF

F

BY

AN

DR

EW

KA

NG

RU

IN S

TA

FF

SA

RIT

A Z

ED

-SC

HR

EIB

ER

FO

RE

NS

IC S

KE

TC

H A

RT

IST

BY

AS

HL

YN

TH

OM

AS

RU

IN S

TA

FF

This

polic

e ske

tch sh

ows t

he su

spect

to b

e a v

irus

in it

s mid

-100

0s w

ith a

“vir

us-y

” fa

ce, h

azel

eyes,

we

arin

g a tr

ench

coat

and

50’

s styl

e fed

ora.

Stud

ents

to H

old

Ral

ly A

gain

st ‘H

eigh

t Pri

vile

ge’

L

OS

AN

GE

LES-

- A s

hock

ing

dis-

cove

ry w

as m

ade

on T

uesd

ay w

hen

a pr

omin

ent

anti-

vaxx

er w

as f

ound

to

have

ulte

rior m

otiv

es fo

r her

act

ivis

m.

S

uspi

cion

s wer

e fir

st ra

ised

at a

n an

-ti-

vacc

ine

rally

whe

n th

e m

ain

spea

ker

refu

sed

to ta

ke o

ff h

er tr

ench

coa

t de-

spite

the

90-

degr

ee t

empe

ratu

re a

t th

e ou

tdoo

r eve

nt.

R

ally

atte

ndee

Mon

ica

Folte

r sai

d, “

I re

ally

not

iced

som

ethi

ng w

as o

ff w

hen

I w

ent

to s

hake

her

han

d af

ter

the

even

t an

d sh

e ca

utio

usly

pla

ced

thre

e sp

indl

es o

f D

NA

inst

ead

of a

han

d in

m

y ha

nd.”

Fo

lter

aler

ted

secu

rity

and

it w

as

soon

rev

eale

d th

at t

he c

ham

pion

of

the

anti-

vaxx

er m

ovem

ent w

as a

ctua

lly

just

a h

uge,

out

-of-

wor

k m

easl

es v

irus

in

an

Ann

Tay

lor L

oft t

renc

h co

at.

The

vir

us,

who

had

ass

umed

the

id

entit

y of

a y

oung

wom

an n

amed

Sar

-ah

Mue

ller

from

a s

mal

l tow

n in

Wis

-co

nsin

, con

firm

ed th

e al

lega

tion.

“

I w

as ju

st ti

red

of li

ving

in a

che

ap

cond

o ne

xt t

o a

free

way

in

Fres

no,”

sa

id th

e vi

rus.

Des

pite

thi

s, th

e vi

rus

said

she

is

hope

ful t

hat “

me

and

my

budd

y Po

lio

can

get b

ack

in th

e ga

me.”

T

he v

irus

’ whe

reab

outs

are

stil

l un-

know

n an

d po

lice

are

tryi

ng t

o lo

cate

he

r in

ord

er to

sto

p he

r fr

om “

mak

ing

peop

le s

ick.

”

Str

ange

ly th

e an

ti-va

ccin

e m

ovem

ent

does

not

see

m to

hav

e lo

st a

ny fo

llow

-er

s af

ter t

his

reve

latio

n. t

LOS

AN

GE

LES—

Mer

e w

eeks

fr

om

win

ter

brea

k,

two

room

mat

es

conf

esse

d th

ey a

re h

arbo

ring

extr

eme

frus

trat

ion

that

the

ir ot

her

room

mat

e ne

ver

acte

d ba

dly

enou

gh t

o ju

stify

a

serio

us ta

lkin

g-to

this

qua

rter

.

Thi

rd-y

ear

com

pute

r sc

ienc

e st

u-de

nt A

man

da F

arre

ll an

d th

ird-y

ear

anth

ropo

logy

st

uden

t Ju

lia

Ngu

yen

alw

ays

assu

med

Sa

rah*

w

ould

“g

et

cool

er, o

r at

leas

t ac

t so

hor

ribly

tha

t [th

ey’d

] be

able

to re

ally

cal

l her

out

on

it.”

B

ut a

s the

wee

ks p

asse

d, F

arre

ll sa

id

Sara

h’s

subt

le d

isre

gard

for

her

roo

m-

mat

es —

whi

ch w

as n

otic

eabl

e bu

t stil

l to

o di

scre

te t

o m

ake

a bi

g de

al a

bout

—

rem

aine

d a

cons

tant

in t

heir

apar

t-m

ent d

ynam

ics.

Ngu

yen

said

tha

t th

e pr

oble

m r

e-al

ly c

omes

dow

n to

Sar

ah’s

smal

l, da

ily

habi

ts.

“

She

does

n’t

liste

n to

mus

ic w

ith

head

phon

es o

n, b

ut s

he d

oesn

’t pl

ay it

to

o lo

udly.

She

suc

ks a

t w

ashi

ng d

ish-

es, b

ut th

e am

ount

of

food

left

on

the

silv

erw

are

coul

d be

cha

lked

up

to h

er

poor

eye

sigh

t,” N

guye

n sa

id.

F

arre

ll ad

ded

that

Sar

ah a

lso

forg

ets

to r

epla

ce e

mpt

y to

ilet p

aper

rol

ls, a

nd

disp

ropo

rtio

nate

ly u

ses

up t

he a

part

-m

ent’s

com

mun

al f

ood

item

s, lik

e sa

lt an

d flo

ur,

whi

ch t

he r

oom

mat

es s

plit

the

cost

of.

“She

has

per

fect

ed th

e ba

rely

-bea

r-ab

le r

oom

mat

e ac

t,” F

arre

ll sa

id. “

But

w

e al

so k

now

tha

t th

ese

aren

’t hu

ge

prob

lem

s, yo

u kn

ow?

Nob

ody

wan

ts

to b

e kn

own

for

bein

g su

per

uptig

ht

and

nitp

icky

ab

out

smal

l st

uff

like

this.

”

A

s fa

r as

cho

osin

g fu

ture

roo

m-

mat

es,

Ngu

yen

and

Farr

ell

said

the

y w

ill b

e lo

okin

g fo

r so

meo

ne w

ith a

n ex

trem

e pe

rson

ality

.

“T

hat

way

, you

kno

w w

hat

you’

re

getti

ng i

nto,

and

it

won

’t be

wei

rd

that

you

’re a

skin

g th

em t

o st

op d

oing

th

ings

sin

ce t

hey’

re a

lso

alw

ays

tryi

ng

to t

urn

your

liv

ing

room

int

o a

soup

ki

tche

n or

som

ethi

ng,”

Far

rell

said

. t

*Las

t nam

e ha

s be

en re

mov

ed to

pr

otec

t ind

ivid

ual’s

iden

tity.

WE

STW

OO

D—

Man

y st

uden

ts w

ere

disa

ppoi

nted

to le

arn

earli

er to

day

that

Si

gma

The

ta D

elta

can

celle

d its

hig

hly

antic

ipat

ed h

ighl

ight

er p

arty

on

Thu

rs-

day

nigh

t.

“Ye

ah,

man

, w

e’re

sor

ry w

e’re

not

th

row

ing

dow

n th

is T

hurs

day,

but

we

prom

ise

we’

ll tu

rn u

p ne

xt w

eek,

” sa

id

STD

Pre

side

nt A

aron

Wal

ker i

n a

pub-

lic s

tate

men

t.

W

hen

aske

d ab

out

the

reas

on f

or

the

canc

ella

tion,

Wal

ker

said

tha

t th

e fr

ater

nity

was

not

at l

iber

ty to

dis

clos

e th

at i

nfor

mat

ion.

How

ever

, an

ins

ide

sour

ce i

nfor

med

the

Dai

ly R

uin

that

th

e pa

rty

was

can

celle

d af

ter t

he b

roth

-er

s sa

w w

hat

thei

r ho

use

look

ed l

ike

unde

r bla

ck li

ght.

A

ccor

ding

to th

e so

urce

, the

bro

th-

ers

fell

viol

ently

ill a

fter

not

icin

g qu

es-

tiona

ble

glow

ing

stai

ns th

roug

hout

the

hous

e.

“T

he b

athr

oom

floo

r ha

d st

ains

all

over

it, b

ut th

e br

othe

rs d

idn’

t get

sic

k un

til t

hey

saw

tha

t th

e ki

tche

n co

unt-

er w

as g

low

ing,

” st

ated

the

unn

amed

so

urce

.

ST

D i

s cu

rren

tly s

eeki

ng i

ndus

tria

l cl

eani

ng s

ervi

ces

to r

esol

ve t

he i

ssue

, an

d W

alke

r as

sure

d st

uden

ts t

hat

the

high

light

er p

arty

will

com

e ba

ck s

oon.

U

ntil

then

, par

tiers

are

adv

ised

to

stay

sa

fe a

nd a

way

from

the

kitc

hen

coun

ter. t

LOS

AN

GE

LES—

The

mem

bers

of

Hig

her

Up!

, a s

tude

nt a

dvoc

acy

grou

p pr

omot

ing

the

stru

ggle

s of

tal

l st

u-de

nts,

have

had

it u

p to

her

e.

“E

very

one

says

I s

houl

d fe

el f

ortu

-na

te f

or t

he p

rivile

ge I

hav

e, b

ut h

on-

estly

the

peo

ple

on t

his

cam

pus

star

e at

me

like

I’m s

ome

sort

of

frea

k,”

lam

ente

d 6’

mat

h m

ajor

Jes

sica

Mc-

Fadd

en. “

We’

re t

he t

rue

min

oriti

es, o

r m

aybe

hig

hnor

ities

, on

this

cam

pus.”

M

any

mem

bers

feel

as

thou

gh th

eir

heig

ht p

light

has

bee

n ig

nore

d fo

r to

o lo

ng.

“

The

re a

re p

lent

y of

pro

gram

s an

d as

sist

ance

ava

ilabl

e to

sho

rter

Am

eri-

cans

,” e

xpla

ined

Mic

hael

Win

ters

, a 6

’3

biol

ogy

maj

or. “

Stoo

ls, la

dder

s, st

ilts—

I’m s

ick

of a

ll th

e ha

ndou

ts.”

H

ighe

r U

p! h

as b

een

dilig

ently

pre

-pa

ring

for

the

rally

ove

r th

e pa

st f

ew

wee

ks b

y ha

ndin

g ou

t flye

rs o

n B

ruin

-w

alk

with

phr

ases

suc

h as

“Sa

y N

o to

H

eigh

t Gui

lt” a

nd “

Stan

d Ta

ll, H

eigh

t Po

wer

!”

T

he ra

lly is

exp

ecte

d to

take

pla

ce in

fr

ont o

f B

unch

e H

all,

the

talle

st b

uild

-in

g on

UC

LA’s

cam

pus.

The

mem

bers

ar

e to

wea

r tal

l, po

inte

d ha

ts in

ord

er to

em

phas

ize

thei

r sta

ture

.

“

I w

ould

like

to

thin

k th

at, i

f he

w

ere

aliv

e to

day,

Mr.

Bun

che

wou

ld

appr

ove

of o

ur e

ffor

ts t

o st

and

up t

o th

e in

just

ices

aga

inst

tal

l pe

ople

and

ou

r ef

fort

s to

impr

ove

inte

rspa

cial

re-

latio

ns,”

Win

ters

sai

d. “

We

hope

thi

s ju

mps

tart

s th

e bi

rth

of a

nat

ion

of a

c-ce

ptin

g ci

tizen

s.”

So

me

stud

ent

dem

ands

inc

lude

high

er d

oorw

ays,

room

ier

desk

s, an

d in

clus

ion

in t

he B

ruin

Div

ersi

ty R

e-qu

irem

ent.

“I f

eel l

ike

we

lear

n a

lot

abou

t th

e co

ntrib

utio

ns o

f sh

ort

peop

le i

n th

e cu

rren

t cu

rric

ulum

,” s

aid

6’2

polit

ical

sc

ienc

e m

ajor

Kat

herin

e M

eyer

s. “W

hy

is th

ere

no H

eigh

t His

tory

?”

“It

feel

s re

ally

gre

at to

find

a g

roup

of

peo

ple

who

und

erst

and

me,”

sai

d 6’

4 fr

eshm

an J

acob

Hen

ders

on. “

Peo-

ple

look

at m

e an

d as

sum

e I m

ust b

e an

at

hlet

e an

d th

at’s

the

only

rea

son

I go

t in

to U

CLA

. It

’s rid

icul

ous.

We’

re j

ust

tired

of

bein

g tr

eate

d lik

e se

cond

cla

ss

citiz

ens

at o

ur o

wn

scho

ol a

nd w

ant t

o be

hea

rd.”

The

ral

ly i

s se

t fo

r th

is F

riday

at

noon

. t

If y

ou h

ave

any

info

rmat

ion

rega

rdin

g th

e w

here

abou

ts o

f th

is v

irus

, con

tact

: sa

tyrm

agaz

ine@

gmai

l.com

w

ith th

e su

bjec

t lin

e:

“I k

now

exa

ctly

whe

re th

e vi

rus

is.”


Sadly, I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, so I knew it was time to make my weekly trip to Whole Foods. As I entered the parking lot in my teal Toyota Prius, I was excited— maybe this time, the electric-vehicle parking space would be empty, but, to my dismay, another teal Toyota Prius was parked at the charging station.

“Rats,” I yelled out as a deep sadness overcame me.

Depressed, I continued to look for a parking spot. I was yet again disappointed after each spot that I had thought was emp-ty from afar, was either filled with shopping carts that were not returned to the cart-return area or mopeds.

Finally, I found a spot in the back and entered Whole Foods. I was greeted by a sea of Ataulfo Mangoes for $5.99 each. I watched, as fool after fool, happily put these mangoes in their carts—but I knew better—I knew I could buy two Tommy-Atkins mangoes for that same price.

However, I soon realized I was the fool—I forgot to bring my reusable shopping bags.

“There goes my green-bag points for this week,” I said to my-self.

“Pardon?” said a small grocer.

I marched on and filled my cart with the usual—turmeric root, kale, barley, brown rice, brown-rice pasta, brown-rice flour, and boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast. I checked out and sheepishly told the cashier that I had forgotten my reusable bags at home; I could feel the cashier’s glare of disapproval after I told him that I would be purchasing a bag.

Angry and embarrassed, I started to load everything into my brown-paper bag. I checked out and was on my way to the car when it happened—the brown-paper bag started to tear and by the time I got to my car I was hugging all of my items hoping that the turmeric root wouldn’t stain my white dress-shirt. I smiled as I got into the car and started to play “We Made It” via Bluetooth, realizing that I have never related to Drake and Soulja Boy more. I started to drive off, but quickly came to a halt—I had forgotten to validate my parking.

The time had come again—I had run out of boneless, skin-less, organic chicken breast, but after my most recent trip to Whole Foods I knew I would never go back there again. My friends had mentioned another supermarket named Ralphs and I decided I would give it a reluctant try. I entered my teal Toy-ota Prius, entered “Ralphs” into my GPS, and drove off—still excited that maybe this “Ralphs” would have available electric vehicle parking. Upon arrival, however, I was astonished—no electric vehicle parking spaces to be found! For a long mo-ment, I stopped out of disbelief and contemplated leaving this wretched place. “Should I support such an institution?” I asked myself as I pulled into a regular parking spot.

Disheartened, I entered the supermarket and was greeted by a sea of “Chips Ahoy.” The packaging claimed these were cook-ies, but upon inspecting the ingredients, I knew what these re-ally were—genetically modified, processed, pucks of obesity. I marched on and asked one of the managers where I could find the turmeric root, hoping to get what I needed and leave the place as soon as possible. The manager stood in front of me and told me the scariest thing I had heard in my lifetime—this “supermarket” did not carry turmeric root. I was shocked that the government even allowed these imposters to label them-selves a supermarket.

However, I continued on, determined to get boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast. I finally found it in the back refrigera-tion aisle and quickly made my way to the checkout area, grab-bing organic kale, organic brown rice, and organic baby spinach on the way. I made my way to the self-checkout line and gazed at all of the other fools standing in line. I scanned my first item, but the computer insisted upon “notifying a shopping assistant.” After minutes of waiting, I realized what this was—a shopping assistant was never coming! I finally knew what I had to do in order to get out of this place—become my own shop-ping assistant. I went to the help desk, filled out an employment application, and became a proud Ralphs employee. I would fi-nally be able to leave!

A typical trip to

whole foods

A typical trip to

Ralphs

By Mahir Shah By Mahir Shah


Los Angeles Star Map

Meryl Streep

Stars Little bits of lint

Where they say they landed in 1969

Airplanes

Witches on broomsticks (seasonal)

By Anaika Miller & Kim Seltzer

Where we think we saw that UFO one time

Spilled coffee (GOD DAMMIT, ANAIKA)

Sweet lil angels


RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to America’s Got Struggle!

(A screaming crowd cheers behind RYAN.)

(CONT’D): It’s been a long day here in Wisconsin, and the contestants have been waiting their turn.

RYAN: A lot of people have shed their tears, but will it be enough to get them to Hollywood? We’ll soon find out. But first, let’s take a quick gander at Wisconsin native, MAR-VIN KREMPASKY.

(Slightly timid MARVIN is standing next to RYAN. He is wearing a button-up shirt with jeans and cowboy boots. He has his arm around his grandma, who is in a wheelchair.)

RYAN: Are you ready?

MARVIN: I think I got this.

(He kisses his grandma on the forehead, opens the door to the audition room, and walks in with his hands in his pockets.)

MARVIN: Hey, how’s it going guys?

RANDY: Good dawg, I like your boots.

PAULA: So, what’s your name?

MARVIN: Marvin Krempasky.

SIMON: (slouched in his chair) So, what do you do, Marvin?

MARVIN: I flamenco dance.

PAULA: That’s great, Marvin. How long have you been dancing?

MARVIN: I’ve been dancing for about four years...

(RANDY gives an approv-ing nod, as MARVIN’s face slowly gets more somber)

(CONT’D): ...ever since my grandma passed away.

(The judges’ faces light up. SIMON straightens up in his chair.)

By Nathan Mosher

Illustration by Sarita Zed-Schreiber


RANDY: Oh, really?

MARVIN: (on the verge of tears) Yeah. Me and my grand-ma were really close. She was always there for me. I remember when we used to go apple-picking in Orange County. She said to me, ‘Marvin, if you ever need some-thing, just call me and I’ll be there.’ I used to always cherish that line because I knew it would be tough for her to honor that, her legs not working and all. But she always did, whenever I needed her.

PAULA and RANDY: Hmm.

(SIMON is still.)

PAULA: That’s terrible. Absolutely awful.

MARVIN: And that’s when she got a stroke… (pauses) sorry, I mean, that’s when she got hit by a bus. (mutters under breath) stroke was my aunt —

SIMON: This is awful, I can’t listen to this.

(PAULA gasps a little.)

(CONT’D): Apple-picking in Orange County? And you don’t even know what happened to her, first you said stroke then you said she got hit by a bus. Your story has too many holes, I can’t listen to this.

PAULA: (sympathetically) But that was an accident. Come on look at him. He really means what he’s saying.

MARVIN: (pleading) I said stroke because my aunt got a stroke, I’m being completely honest.

SIMON: Honesty doesn’t cut it.

MARVIN: But my grandma –

PAULA: Hold on, honey. What about you, Randy?

RANDY: I don’t know man. I think you’re almost there, but not quite yet, dawg. Give it a little time, I think. I’m gonna have to say no, but come back next year.

(SIMON rolls his eyes.)

PAULA: Honey, these two jerks can’t understand real pain. I’m gonna give you a yes.

SIMON: Doesn’t make a lick of a difference.

MARVIN: (genuinely sad) Do you think if I didn’t mess up the stroke part I would have had a chance?

RANDY: Maybe, dude. But unfortunately not today.

MARVIN: (defeated) Alright.

(MARVIN walks out with his head down, hands in his pockets. He fakes like he’s pulling out a ticket but then pulls out nothing and shrugs his shoulders. He hugs his grandma who has been waiting for him.)

MARVIN: (whispering to grandma) I’m sorry.

MARVIN’s GRANDMA: It’s okay, I still love you. Did you say the part where I

got hit by a bus?

MARVIN: I did, but I messed up. It’s okay, I’ll get ‘em next time.

(He kisses his grandma’s cheek and wheels her off.)

RYAN: You can’t win ‘em all buddy.

(The camera cuts again. RYAN is yet again walking down a flight of stairs.)

(CONT’D): Milwaukee has a lot of fans, but none match the fervor of

Dave Barry.

(In the back, DAVE BARRY paces around nervously. He’s wearing blue

jeans, a Brewers jersey and a Brewers cap.)

RYAN: (whispering to the camera) Batter up.

(DAVE walks into the audition room, with a cocky smirk on his face. He brushes his hat a little.)

RANDY: You’re looking confident.

DAVE: I sure am.

(SIMON gives a smirk and rolls his eyes.)

PAULA: How’s it going?

DAVE: Pretty good.

SIMON: (sardonically) So, you like the Brewers?

DAVE: Yeah, I love them. I actually had the privilege of singing the national anthem for them a few months ago.

SIMON: (uninterested) How did that happen?

DAVE: It’sa pretty weird story, a buddy of mine knows one of them and he told one of them I was a singer, and then I got in contact with their manager, and they let me sing at the stadium, and yeah.

(He pauses awkwardly.)

SIMON: And?

DAVE: (attempting to look sad) Oh yeah, it was a pretty great opportunity if it wasn’t for what happened before...

(He pauses for a long time, as he tries to gauge PAULA’s interest).

(CONT’D): Yeah, my girlfriend broke up with me right before. It was probably one of the hardest perfor-mances I’ve ever had to do in my life. I almost cried halfway through.

(DAVE fake cries terribly.)

SIMON: That’s it? That’s your big finish, your girlfriend broke up with you. Hackneyed, clichéd, and uninformative. Next.

(DAVE walks out frus-trated. He slams the door shut.)

RYAN: Are you okay?

DAVE: (outwardly expressing anger) Yeah, I’m (bleep)ing great.

(His girlfriend walks out)

DAVE’S GIRLFRIEND: How’d it go, baby?

DAVE: (Bleep)-ing awful! I should’ve dumped you earlier! You (bleep)ed up my (bleep)ing piece of (bleep) sob story.

(DAVE stands outside an “America’s Got Struggle” backdrop yelling into the camera)

(CONT’D): This is (bleep)ing stupid, man. SIMON is a little (bleep). I bet he (bleep)ing gets dumped all the (bleep)ing time..(bleeps turn into one solid bleep). (The camera cuts away. RYAN is walking down what looks to be a Victorian-era cast-iron spiral staircase.)

RYAN: Well, we haven’t had much luck here in Wisconsin. Many people have shared their stories only to be shattered once again, but not all hope is lost because 16-year old CALVIN JACOBSON has a dream and he won’t let it fail.

(CALVIN sits in a corner listening to his portable CD play-er. RYAN walks up to him.)

RYAN: How’s it going, little buddy?

CALVIN: I’m pretty nervous.

RYAN: It happens to the best of us. Do you have anyone here with you?

CALVIN: (looking into the distance) No, I don’t.

RYAN: Well, good luck.

(CALVIN walks through the audition door.)

PAULA: Aww, hey buddy.

RANDY How’s it going little man?

CALVIN: (mumbling) I’m doing alright.

PAULA: So why are you here?

CALVIN: (something catches his throat) I just… want to go to Hollywood.

PAULA: Well, maybe we can make that happen (smiles).

SIMON: You grew up in Milwaukee?

CALVIN: Yeah, I grew up here with my parents

pretty much my whole life. I live with my aunt now, my

parents aren’t, uh, here, any, more (looks down).

SIMON: (under his breath) Oh.

(SIMON straightens up in his chair.)

CALVIN: Yeah they were actually on their way to Holly-wood when the plane crashed.

(RANDY whispers inaudibly to an excited SIMON.)

(CONT’D): My dad was looking for a job out there, because he said that Hollywood is where dreams come true. (He starts to sob a little and wipes his tears with his hand.)



(CONT’D): He said, we’re going to get out of Wisconsin and go to Hollywood, and have a better life there. We’re gonna make dreams happen, he said.

(Calvin bursts into tears and quickly stifles them).

(CONT’D): I’m, I’m, s-s-sorry, really.

PAULA: No, it’s okay honey. You cry all you want.

(A stage hand brings him tissues. He takes a few.)

CALVIN: If I can get to Hollywood, may-be I can live out my dreams for them and make them proud.

(CALVIN is still crying, but starts to smile a little. The judges are hooked. PAULA sobs on SI-MON’s shoulder, as he tries to push her away.)

CALVIN: (crying) I just want to go to Hollywood.

(The camera cuts to outside of the audition room. RYAN, standing on a step stool, has his ear to the door.)

RYAN: (to the camera) Wow. That was incredible. Let’s see what the judges think.

(The camera cuts back to the room.)

PAULA: (sobbing and grabbing tissues) Calvin, your story touched me in ways I would have never imagined. I would have never thought that a little boy could turn me into a little girl so quick. You’re going to Hollywood.(CALVIN cheers up a little and stops crying slightly.)

RANDY: My man, the execution and everything was great, dawg. You made us miss your parents, too, dude. Seriously though, amazing story man, have a great time in Hollywood.

(CALVIN’s tears are beginning to subside.)

SIMON: I have to hand it to you. That was brilliant. I would have never expected such power and bravado from such a young man. Welcome to Hollywood. Come get your ticket.

(CALVIN bursts into tears. The stage hand gives him more tissues. The judges look confused.)

SIMON: You can stop the performance, Calvin. It’s okay, you got the ticket.(CALVIN cannot stop sobbing.)

SIMON: You’re not excited to go to Hollywood?

(CALVIN keeps crying and stumbles on his words.)

CALVIN: I-I am, I just w-wish my p-parents c-c-could come with me.

(CALVIN cries harder than ever.)

RANDY: Your parents can totally come with you little man. We can get tickets for the whole family.

(CALVIN fails to grab tissues quickly enough to absorb his tears.)

SIMON: Wait, Calvin, was that real?

CALVIN: (musters up composure) Y-y-yeah.

(Before SIMON can respond, CALVIN bursts into tears and runs out the door.)

(The camera cuts back to RYAN. He is now riding an esca-lator up but walks down the stairs, essentially remaining in the same place.)

RYAN: There you have it. Tune in next week, where we will spend the entire episode playing various clips of the contestants exploring Hollywood for the first time through pre-planned, sponsor-funded activities.

“Yeah, they were actually on their way to

HOLLYWOOD when the plane crashed.”

This past Thursday, I found myself rather thirsty and decided to venture out onto Gayley to quench said thirst. I arrived at a fraternity, which will remain nameless as I do not want to embarrass them, and tried to enter their domicile. However, I was stopped at the door by a man who looked as if he’d been carved out of marble.

He asked me, “Who do you know here?”

The question echoed around my mind like a scream in Plato’s cave. Who did I know there? I left their porch and returned to my bay window to ponder the question. In this essay, I will dissect each word to uncover the true meaning of the question.

Who – Interestingly, this is not used in this sentence the same way an owl uses it. The fratboy uses “who” to establish that he is asking a question. Not just any question like “Wait, you play lacrosse, too?” or “When does Franklin and Bash come back on, I love that show?” but a question regarding a person. Essentially, “who” could be rephrased as “what person.”

Do – “Do” is derived from the verb, “to do.” “Do” in the English language is comparable to gravity in physics, in that neither can be explained in terms of a more basic concept.

You – “You” is the great linguistic separator. Any time this word appears, it creates a distinction. Whereas “us,” and “we” are inclu-sive, “you” is necessarily exclusive. A speaker can never be a part of the “you” that they address. The fratboy uses this word to sepa-rate himself from those trying to enter his party that he does not know. “You” can be reimagined as, “you, you outsider.”

Know – This word has a myriad of meanings. Often, we use “know” to indicate things we find universal, like, “Oh yeah, bro, every-one knows that.” But here, the word does not refer to something universal, in fact, it’s the opposite. The word “know” here is used to signify an intimate relationship, in which one has a high degree of familiarity with another. Interesting that if one fails to “know” someone, they will receive the sonic twin to that word when they attempt to enter the house.

Here – When the fratboy says here, he merely means “within this house.”

When pieced together, we see that the fratboy is really asking, “What person do you, you outsider, have an intimate relationship with in this house?”

After this revelation, I headed back out to Gayley to the same house. The same statuesque man confronted me with the same intriguing answer. Except this time, I had an answer. I looked him dead in his eyes and said, “Yo’ Momma.” I accompanied the phrase with a wink.

I did not drink that Thursday.

The Philosophical Implications of The Essential Fratboy Question:

Illustrated byEllie Martino



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BETWEEN THE SHEETSExplanations to Describe Things

By Kim Seltzer, Olivia Taylor, Aliya Kamalova

Puddles are wet mirrors Quesadillas are relaxed tacos

Bracelets are watches without time

Leg warmers are calf tube tops

Wigs are beanies with hair

Cows are alive steaks

Bears are one dog on another dog’s shoulders wearing a fur coat

Cupcakes are muffins done up

Twins are living mirrors No one gets exactly the life they want Mittens are gloves for hooves

Toothpicks are wood floss

Life is but a dream

Acronyms to Express Yourself

FYI: a dad bod is not the same thing as a father figure

FYI: a bear is just one dog on another dog’s shoulders wearing a fur coat

FYI: cereal is a gateway cereal

FYI: The word “truly” is pronounced like the word “July”

FYI: The word “complexion” looks like it’s spelled wrong

FYI: The only difference between a cupcake and a muffin is confidence

FYI: Dictionary.com defines biweekly as occurring every two weeks AND occurring twice a week

DIY: pinterest crafts

TMI: the encyclopedia

TMI: Daily Bruin news articles

TMI: feelings

LOL: internet memes

LOL: witty Facebook statuses

LOL: irony

LOL: jokes

LOL: Satyr Magazine

TTYL: my dad when I was born

ROFL: rolly polly

BRB: my dad when I was born

HMU: dad when you want to come back into my life

CEC: fuck CEC

WTF: raising tuition

I Think We’re Done Here Now

Get Involved

Published with support from Generation Progress Center for American Progress (online at genprogress.org)

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Spring 2015

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Transcript of Spring 2015