“THE SPOTLIGHT ANTHOLOGIES: KIERAN HART”

By

Daniel Alan Holstead

OPENING: TITLE cards explain setting and nature of the film with interspersed footage of JOHN LOCKE’s morning commute. WONDERWALL by OASIS plays. Sequence ends with title card BOKEN HART with music cutting out. SCENE ONE begins…

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE

EXT. KIERAN HART’S FRONT DOOR -- MORNING

JOHN LOCKE

Another cold morning.

KIERAN opens the door in a bath robe-

KIERAN

Come in, you’re late

JOHN

You’re not even dressed yet

KIERAN sighs loudly and turns to walk into his living room. JOHN follows and shuts the door.

INT. KIERAN’S LIVING ROOM

KIERAN

So, what we doing today?

JOHN

First, we should get you dressed-

KIERAN looks at John bewildered.

First, YOU should get dressed.

KIERAN

Yeh. I’ll get dressed

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JOHN

Then we have to record a video for you Hindi fans. Its Diwali tomorrow and it’s wise to be good to your expanding Hindi fan base. We’ll get you in some ethnic clothing and you can read out a message.

KIERAN

Are we going to try to do a meet and greet again?

JOHN

I’ll look into that.

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD

JOHN

We recently posted to social media, advertising a meet and greet with Kieran so all of his fans could get autographs, pictures and get to meet him. It turns out his fans are… Well his fans… What’s the PC term for freaks? To hell with it… They’re freaks. I mean look at this…

JOHN shows an image on Facebook of KIERAN looking very uncomfortable with a fan.

INT. KIERAN’S LIVING ROOM

KIERAN

There’ll be no coming back if it’s anything like the last one. It was degrading. I’m not just a sex object.

JOHN

It won’t happen again. So what do you say, you get ready and we make a start?

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KIERAN gets up out of his chair and heads upstairs. The camera turns to John who looks anxious.

FADE OUT:

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE (CONTINUED)

INT: KIERAN’S KITCHEN

JOHN is making tea.

JOHN

I’ve scheduled a recording session with an amateur music producer

KIERAN (FROM UPSTAIRS)

WHERE IS MY HAIR DRYER! (raised voice)

JOHN

(to camera) Hair drier?

KEIRAN storms through the kitchen and out the door with the temperament of a spoilt brat.

KIERAN

We’ll have to wait until it dries then.

JOHN

You could just towel dry it?

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KIERAN returns to the kitchen frazzled

KIERAN

A TOWEL? What am I? A caveman? Would you ask Madonna to towel dry her hair? Kylie? Or erm, Harry Styles? What do I pay you for anyway? –

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD inc. B Roll of abusive Kieran

JOHN

I’ve been working for him for 9 months now. A lot can happen in 9 months (beat.) You could get some qualifications… Find a real job.

INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN. KIERAN is doing vocal excercises.

JOHN

Done?

KIERAN

Let’s do this

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END OF SCENE

SCENE TWO

EXT. BOJO’S FRONT DOOR

JOHN knocks on BOJO’S door and we see that KIERAN is a combination of anxious and impatient.

JOHN

Don’t worry, this guy is a professional

KIERAN

I fear nothing. (beat) What’s his name?

JOHN

His ‘street’ name is Bojo.

KIERAN

Bojo?

JOHN

Yeh. Like Bono. Without the need of being liked.

KIERAN

Bojo? BO-JO!?!

JOHN

Woah woah woah! Sweet child ‘o’ mine! Be quiet he might hear ya’

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JOHN knocks again

JOHN (TO CAMERA)

This guy we’re waiting on is a genius. He’s the hottest music producer in the PDM universe. That’s Pop Dance Music.

KIERAN is interrupted by BOJO answering the door with a cigarette in his hand.

BOJO

What do you dickheads want?

JOHN

Hi, I’m John. We spoke on the phone?

BOJO

Save me the fucking pleasantries

BOJO notices the camera

So you must be the ‘artist’… And the artist’s bitch

KIERAN (TO JOHN)

What did he say?

JOHN

(laughs nervously) So… What you gonna let us in?

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BOJO

Sure. My home and I are one… So I welcome you inside of me.

JOHN glances at camera as they enter BOJO’s house

KIERAN

It smells like genital moisture and hemp in here.

BOJO (SINCERELY)

Thank you

KIERAN

So do you write songs?

BOJO

Maybe…

KIERAN

What instruments do you play?

BOJO

I don’t know

KIERAN exhales and shows signs of boredom. JOHN is smiling whilst acting out of place.

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KIERAN

Your tap is running, you know?

BOJO

STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!

EXT. BOJO’S GARDEN. TALKING HEAD

BOJO

It’s probably the Prozac I take.

INT. BOJO’S “STUDIO”. EVENING

A mic is set up and KIERAN is attempting to lay down a vocal track with BOJO sat at a computer. JOHN is taking pictures with his phone. KIERAN keeps thumbling the lyrics as he is clearly distracted by JOHN’S flash. BOJO seems irritated. The song finishes.

BOJO

Okay… That’s definitely enough of that.

KIERAN appears happy with the recording.

JOHN

So are we going to listen back?

BOJO

No… I think we’ll leave it there. I’ll send you the finished track when I finish

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the production shizz.

KIERAN

When will that be?

BOJO

SOON!

END OF SCENE

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SCENE TWO

INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN.

KIERAN and JOHN are sat at the dining room table.

JOHNWhere are your parents?

KIERAN (WITH ATTITUDE)

I don’t know. Out? Aren’t we supposed to be heading off to see some promoters?

JOHN

Even better (beat). Managers. But even better again

KIERAN

Christ sake…

JOHN

Club managers!

KIERAN

Oh, I like that. So I’ll be a resident DJ.

JOHN

Even better again! You’ll be playing… The Neon!

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KIERAN

Sounds amazing!

JOHN

It is pretty amazing.

CUT TO: EXTERIOR of THE NEON WORKMAN’S CLUB

KIERAN

Is that it?

JOHN

It might not look like much-

KIERAN (INTERRUPTING)

No, it doesn’t

JOHN

But it gets quite the crowd. You can do some crowd pleasers. A bit of Olly Murs,

KIERAN

Olly Murs is out. (to camera) Sam Smith is the new Olly Murs.

JOHN

Right. (beat) But everyone starts somewhere.

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KIERAN

No! It’ll be like a pop concert in God’s waiting room!

JOHN

It’s just to get you started. Soon we’ll have your demo sent to record labels and the offers will come flooding in.

KIERAN

Still! Come on! We’re going back. I’m not playing to a graveyard.

JOHN looks disappointed and exhausted. Tension is clearly building between KIERAN and JOHN and their working relationship is about to reach boiling point.

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD inc. B Roll of JOHN and KIERAN waiting for a bus. Quietly

JOHN

Well… Madonna is worth a billion dollars… (beat) And she’s the biggest BITCH on the planet.

END OF SCENE.

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SCENE THREE:

INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN. JOHN and KIERAN are listening to KIERAN’S demo. KIERAN is visibly angry. JOHN seems indifferent. KIERAN prematurely stops the demo playing and slams the laptop shut.

KIERAN

You know what this is?

JOHN

…

KIERAN

This is the low point! Right now I’m here! (gestures hand to close to floor). When really, after recording my first demo I should be…

CUT TO: KIERAN at top of stairs.

KIERAN

Here!

CUT TO: Back to KITCHEN

JOHN

It’s not that bad

KIERAN

It wouldn’t be if you hadn’t insisted on

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taking pictures with that flash, on your phone!

JOHN

You said instagram was the singles most important-

KIERAN

I was being ironic. Of course. (beat) GOD!

JOHN

We can try and re-record it. I can call Bojo

KIERAN

Can we come up with a different name for him? I hate saying that.

JOHN

BJ?

KIERAN

Yeh. Call BJ. Also… I want a REAL gig at a REAL venue.

JOHN

The Robin Hood has an open mic night.

KIERAN

NO! I want to headline an arena.

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JOHN

Which one?

KIERAN

The Sunshine FM Arena.

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD

JOHN

So… Just… For all of you that don’t know, the Dan FM Arena is the biggest music venue in Tyneside. Just so everyone knows.

INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN

JOHN

Consider it done.

KIERAN

Actually start taking notes

JOHN pulls out a notepad

KIERAN

So. I want to headline the arena.

16

JOHN

Uh huh

KIERAN

Get me a good support. Not too good though. I want to organize a new meet and greet. Can we be choosey on who we let in?

JOHN (IN DISBELIEF)

Sure

KIERAN

Get down that I want a new demo recorded. Put down ‘auto tune if necessary’

JOHN

Got it

INT. KIERAN’S BEDROOM. TALKING HEAD

KIERAN

Watch this space. You’re doing a documentary on the next (beat). Will.I.Am

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END OF SCENE

FADE IN:

SCENE FOUR

INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM

TIME JUMP to a week later. John is in his office on the phone and appears stressed. The word we can use to describe John’s state is ‘frazzled’. He is very close to being beyond frazzled.

JOHN

I have a quote from South Tyneside Council’s Newsletter saying he’s the next Peter Andre.

PHONE VOICE

I’m sorry. We’re just not interested.

JOHN (PLEADING)

Come on! Just have him play one song on the B-stage. It won’t cost you anything!

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD

JOHN

I’m trying to get Kieran booked onto the hottest festival in all of Northern England… The problem is… The bitch I have the number for doesn’t want him.

INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM

KATE enters. She’s JOHN’s girlfriend. She doesn’t understand JOHN’S work for KIERAN but she tries to be loving and supportive. JOHN is seen on the phone beggin an event

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organizer.

KATE (ENTERING)

John! It’s just me.

JOHN hangs up.

JOHN

I’m in here

KATE enters the room

Some bitch working for the organizers for the Evolution Festival refuses to have Kieran play even one song.

KATE

I think that festival is only for signed artists John.

JOHN

How is he supposed to get signed if he doesn’t get enough exposure?

KATE

Don’t you think his cover of Climax getting 8 million views exposure enough?

JOHN gives a look of doubt.

CUT TO: few seconds of bespoke of youtube video.

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BACK TO JOHN’S LIVING ROOM

JOHN’S phone starts ringing.

JOHN

(sighs) It’s Kieran

KATE

Don’t answer it!

JOHN

He’ll be wanting to know if he got the gig…

KATE

Just leave it!

JOHN

He’s already pretty angry at me

KATE

Whatever…

KATE notices a note pad with a list on.

What’s this.

JOHN

It’s a list of excuses for me to give to

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Kieran for not being able to answer the phone to him.

KATE

How many times have you not answered him?

JOHN checks his phone.

JOHN

Erm… 16 times… today.

KATE

Oh…

She examines the list.

Tooth ache… Updating instagram? You can’t answer the phone because you were updating instagram?

JOHN

You don’t know how seriously he takes social networking.

KATE

Calling the mayor?

JOHN

Oh yeh. He wants me to organize police escorts to all the shows he’s going to be playing.

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KATE

Come on… There’s no way he’s that deluded

JOHN

Oh Kate…

EXT. JOHN’S HOUSE TALKING HEAD – DAY

KATE

I made a list of excuses for John to use. He’s having open heart surgery, he’s returning some video tapes, he’s not drunk enough, he’s microwaving paper work.

INT. JOHN’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUED

KATE

Maybe… Just maybe… You should stop getting stressed over that brat and quit bending over for him. He’s had his peak, it’s time to move on.

JOHN

But where should I go from here? I have laughable qualifications, I have no connections. If I leave him, I burn any bridges I may have made.

KATE

Well then I don’t know… Give it another week or something then quit.

JOHN

I have to make this work.

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KATE

My god… Does he still not pay you?

JOHN

I wish I could tell you that he does… I really wish I could.

KATE

You’re an idiot. (Affectionately)

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD - DAY

JOHN

I suppose at least when Kate calls me an idiot it’s like a pet name. Here in the north people get ‘pet’, ‘love’… even the new age ‘bae’. But me… I get ‘idiot’.

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD – DAY

KATE

John has a lot of drive. He’s determined to make this Kieran thing work. I suppose he dreams of smoking big Cuban cigars, Italian suits and being the brains behind an international superstar. While I on the other hand… I’m doing an apprenticeship in business admin for £2.65 an hour. I don’t have a passion for administrative work but it’s something to pass the time.

FADE OUT:

END OF SCENE

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INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN – DAY

JOHN is sat down at the kitchen table. He stands up and goes to lean on the bench.

JOHN

I better stand… I can defend myself if I’m standing.

VOICE OFF CAMERA

Why would he-

INT. JOHN’S OFFICE TALKING HEAD

JOHN

I’m quitting. No more running around playing his delusion game. This is the end… You people are about to witness the hissy fit of an age. This is the beginning of the end times.

INT. KIERAN’S KITCHEN – CONTINUED

KIERAN enters the kitchen wearing a robe… again.

JOHN

Do you ever get dressed without being told to?

KIERAN

To not get dressed every morning is to live the dream.

JOHN

About living the dream…

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KIERAN

Oh yeh! Have you done your little to-do list?

JOHN

Nope.

KIERAN

Well I can’t say I’m surprised. You messed up the recording session good and proper so it makes sense that you can’t carry out a few simple tasks any other manager could quite easily do.

JOHN

You know what? I’m getting a little sick of your shit! You know why that demo really sounded terrible?

KIERAN

Why?

JOHN (FURIOUS)

COS YOU CAN’T FUCKING SING! YOU’RE ALL STYLE AND NO SUBSTANCE! YOU’RE HAPPY TO WEAR THE CLOTHES, HAVE THE FACEBOOK PAGE, HAVE A MANAGER SLASH PA RUNNING AROUND AND BENDING OVER FOR YOU BUT WHERE, OH WHERE ARE THE SONGS?

KIERAN

Maybe if my manager wasn’t a load of bollocks

JOHN

Well… You won’t have that problem anymore! I quit! I’m done!

KIERAN

Oh come on!

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JOHN storms out and a very audible slamming of the door is heard. The camera moves back to a shocked KIERAN who is clearly looking for the right words.

KIERAN

I AM VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS! (beat) He’ll be back.

FADE OUT:

END OF SCENE

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