SPORTING SORROWS

TRAINING

FOR LOSS

LOSSWhat do sportsmen and sportswomen lose? What do they no longer have possession of?

HEALTH & DREAMSSix months ago I was on top of the world, and now my world has been turned upside down. Being here, seeing the players is very difficult.

They treat me as one of them, which is nice. But I’ve got to deal with this the best way I can. You don’t think this could happen to you and there

are times when you are in denial. But I have to say this can happen to anyone.

Tony Vidmar

“In the locker room it was Stubbs sobbing for what her friend had lost and Molik saying she could cry no more. “My heart just breaks for her” Stubbs said. “It shouldn’t happen to somebody who’s such a good person and who’s worked so hard.

Rennae Stubbs speaking about Alicia Molik’s illness

FITNESSFITNESSAND AND

FAMEFAMEHe returned from the dressing room soon after and tried He returned from the dressing room soon after and tried to run along the sideline but was unable to push off his to run along the sideline but was unable to push off his

injured leg, and managed just two or three strides injured leg, and managed just two or three strides before before throwing his hands in the airthrowing his hands in the air and again limping and again limping

off off disappointed disappointed and and close to tearsclose to tears..

Craig Gower Craig Gower ………limping out of the first State of Origin match………limping out of the first State of Origin match

REATIONSHIPSBecause of: DEATH“Then of course, there is Gillett’s family, including parents Denis and Mary and husband Simon. As Denis pointed out earlier this year, there is no real closure for them, for nothing can bring back their Amy”

It is a year since Amy Gillett was killed cycling in Europe.

DIVORCE

RETIREMENT

RELEGATION

SEPARATION SACKING

ROLE (Captain sacked)

TRUST“Very serious breach of trust”-Paul Roos commenting on Nick Davis’outburst after being dropped.

MOBILITY

INDEPENDENCE

CONTROL

SELF- ESTEEM

INCOME

INTERESTS

MOTIVATION

POSSESSIONS

All LOSS REQUIRES CHANGE

ALL CHANGE RESULTS IN LOSSGRIEF IS A RESPONSE TO LOSS

REACTIONS OF GRIEVING PEOPLE CAN BE DIVIDED INTO:

1. PHYSICAL SENSATIONS 2.EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

3.COGNITIONS 4. BEHAVIOUR

Physical sensations• butterflies in the stomach• tightness in the throat/chest• oversensitivity to smell/noise and light• sense of depersonalisation –of observing oneself • feeling unreal• breathlessness• muscle weakness• lethargy• dry mouth• palpitations• Symptoms the deceased felt

Feelings• sadness• anger• guilt and self reproach• anxiety• loneliness• fatigue• helplessness• shock and numbness• yearning and pining• relief (for some people)

Cognitions•disbelief•confusion and memory loss•preoccupation•sense of the deceased person’s presence•hallucinations – visual and auditory•“seeing” the person who has died; hearing their voice; smelling their familiar perfume

Cognitions• disbelief• confusion and memory loss• preoccupation• sense of the deceased person’s presence• hallucinations – visual and auditory, usually transient• “seeing” the person who has died; hearing their voice; smelling their familiar perfume

Behaviour• sleep disturbances• appetite changes• absent minded behaviour• social withdrawal• disturbing dreams • disturbing absence of realism• avoiding reminders of the deceased• searching and calling out

“COACHING” THE “LOSERS”

AFTER “LOSING” PEOPLE NEED TO INTEGRATE THE LOSS BY:

TALKING ABOUT THE LOSS

EXPLORING THE MEANING OF THE LOSS

REMEMBERING THE LOSS

NOT LIVING IN THE PAST BUT STAYING CONNECTED

INTEGRATION

IS THE COMBINING OR MERGING OF SOMETHING INTO A LARGER WHOLE SO THEY

CAN MAKE SENSE OF THE LOSS AND MOVE FORWARD

EVERYBODY IN THEIR OWN TIME!

We didn’t even talk about the grand final

We’ve just put it behind us

Just forget it

Get a lifeNo we are not after revenge

That’s ancient history now.He’s still not going on about it, is he?

You can’t keep feeling sorry for yourself. There are lots of people worse off than you.

Just put it behind you. She wouldn’t want you to keep on about it.

It seems silly I suppose but even after all these years I can’t watch the swimming at the Olympics. Over 20 years ago I was good enough to make the

team. Then I had my car accident ! I know what everyone was telling me, was right. I was lucky to not have been killed, and I have gone on to have a

good life. But you know, when I see that swimming start, the sadness, the disappointment is very real. Silly, isn’t it, for a grown man with a family to feel

like that?

DAY ONE

FEELINGS

ANGER

SADNESS

ANXIETY

I just don’t believe it!

How did it happen?

How did I lose that!

This can’t be happening !

How did that one get away?

STRAIGHT AFTER THE EVENT :-

DO A FLINTOFF

1. Be brave, be there2. Physical comfort 3. Say little4. Don’t say “I know how you feel”

5. Listen

6. Do practical things

7. Don’t minimise

English cricket writer defined “Failure” as “Deferred Success”

8. You can’t take the pain away. Don’t try

9. Give people the time THEY need

DOWN THE TRACK

Severe feelingsAngerBlame

FreedomLoneliness

“I dropped the ball”

Feelings of “I’m going mad”Restlessness

“Can’t wait for the next event”

Forgetfulness

Intensity of feelings decline

Acceptance

New behaviour patterns

INTEGRATION

WHAT AFFECTS THE RESULT?

Age

The 20 year old usually copes better with the loss

of a grand final than the 33 year old playing his last

game“Ï was just a bit of a kid”

Religion

Number of losses

Family support

Culture

Guilt

Personality

Health

Meaning given to the loss

Family modeling

Availability and nature of support - good listening

Men

Get drunk“I joined a group of my

team – mates at a pub after the game , basically drowning our

sorrows”Scott Watters –Sydney Swans

Get angry – smash thingsWant sex

Seek solutionsGroup educationGrieve aloneGet physical- train harderRead about lossAvoid -“How do you feel?”Respond to - “How did you react to?”

WomenShow they are sad

Want care and supportTalk about their loss

Will seek help of carersMay retreat to safe

cocoonsWant physical contact but not necessarily sex

GAME PLANDO

Be Yourself

Open the door to Communication

Listen 80% of the timeTalk 20%

Feel OK about your feelings of helplessness

Learn to be comfortable with silence

DON’TDON’TTell the mourner what to doTell the mourner what to do

Say Say “time heals” “time heals”

““it must be…..”it must be…..”

““I understand….” I understand….”

““I know…..”I know…..”

Use platitudesUse platitudes

Hurry peopleHurry people

SPORTING SPORTING SORROWSSORROWS

““Carry each others burdens”Carry each others burdens”

Galatians 6:2Galatians 6:2

Weep with those who weep”Weep with those who weep”

Romans 12:15Romans 12:15