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4SMART PEOPLE

Space invasion

Cross the boundaries at your own riskBy Carol Kinsey GomanAs a consultant andprofessional speaker, Ioften travel by myself andfrequently dine alone.

This affords me theopportunity to combinetwo of my favorite pastimes:eating great food and

watching people.One night at dinner inan oceanside resort, I noticeda man and a woman seatedacross the room. It was abeautiful image and it caughtmy attention.

The couple sat insilhouette, framed by alarge picture window, whilethe setting sun turned thebackground shades of yellow,orange, magenta and deeppurple.

Then I began to observethe couples body language.

During the course of the

meal, I watched the man leantoward the woman and sawher respond by pulling awayfrom him.

He leaned toward heragain and again she pulledaway. The more the manleaned forward, the more hisdinner companion would tiltback.

By dessert, he was almostsprawled across the table and

she was practically falling offher chair.

I couldnt hear aword they were

saying, but itwas perfectlyobviousthat whatever he

was proposing she wasnt

signing on!He would have been

much more successfulif he had (literally)backed off.

Last month Iwas reminded ofthat episode asI sat at anotherrestaurantwatching two

men at the bar.This time I

was close enoughto overhear their

conversation, so I knew thatone man was in sales and theother was a potential client.

By the time theyd finishedtheir drinks, I also knew thedeal was dead. And it wasntanything that was said. In themidst of a normal getting-to-know-you conversation, Iwatched the salesman moveso close to his prospect thatthe client began, very slowly,to inch away.

This went on for sometime, but finally the clientcould stand it no longer. Heexcused himself to makea phone call and left therestaurant shortly afterward.

One of the easiestmistakes to make during anencounter with someone is to

misjudge how much space theother person needs.Anthropologist Edward

Hall coined the wordproxemics to describephenomena like territorialityamong office workers. Andit was he who first noted thefive zones in which peoplefeel most comfortable dealingwith one another. (Its as ifwere standing inside an

invisible bubble that expandsor contracts depending on ourrelationships.) The intimate zone (0-18

inches) is reserved forfamily and loved ones.Within this zone weembrace, touch or whisper.This close contact isappropriate only for verypersonal relationships.

The closepersonal

zone (1.5-2 feet) is thebubble most people in

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the United States like tokeep around us. This zoneis used for interactionsamong friends or familiar

and trusted businesspartners.

Afar personal zone (2-4feet) is for interactionswe prefer to conduct atarms length and in thiszone we can communicateinterest without thecommitment of touching.

The social zone (4-12 feet)is most appropriate forthe majority of most dailybusiness interactions.It is where we interactwith new businessacquaintances or at moreformal social affairs.

Thepublic zone (over 12feet) is mostly used forpublic speaking.The amount of space

required to feel comfortablevaries from individual to

individual.People who dont likebeing touched will tend tokeep their distance fromothers. People who touchothers while talking will wantto get close enough to do so.

Space can also varydepending on the amountof trust in a relationship. Ageneral rule is: The greater thedistance, the lower the level of

trust.We also make

assumptions aboutrelationships based on zones.If we see two people talkingat a distance of around twofeet from each other, we

assume they are engaged inthe kind of conversation onlypossible between those whoknow and trust each other.

So, their spatial relationshipbecomes part of what is beingcommunicated.

Gender plays an importantrole too. Men who dont knoweach other well tend to keep agreater distance between themthan women who have justmet.

This difference ininterpersonal distance asdetermined by gender is eventrue in Web 2.0s virtual onlineworlds (like Second Life)where many of the rules thatgovern personal space in thephysical world can be found inthe virtual world.

And, of course, thecomfortable distance betweenparticipants varies withculture.

In the U.S. most business

relationships begin inthe social zone. As therelationships develop andtrust is formed, both partiesmay subconsciously decreasethe distance to more personalzones.

But if one of the partiesmoves too close too soon, itcan result in a communicationbreakdown.

Those who feel powerful

and confident will usuallycontrol more physical space,extending their arms and legsand generally taking up moreroom. In doing so, they mayunknowingly infringe onanother persons territory.

Police interrogators oftenuse the strategy of sittingclose and crowding a suspect.This theory of interrogationassumes that invasion of

the suspects personal space(with no chance for defense)

Carol KinseyGoman, PhD, is

an author andkeynote speaker

who addressesassociation,government,

and businessaudiencesaround the

world. Herlatest book andprogram topic is

The NonverbalAdvantage

Secrets andScience of Body

Language atWork.For more

information,contact Carolby phone:

510.526.1727,email:

CGoman@CKG.com, or throughher Web sites:

www.CKG.com and www.

Nonverbal.Advantage.com.

will give the officer apsychological advantage.

Ive also seen managersstanding uncomfortably

close to employees in order toemphasize their status in theorganization.

Not a good idea.Scientists agree that

peoples territorial responsesare primitive and powerful.And a mistake here cantrigger a truly deep-seatedresponse. When someonecomes too close in anundesirable way, it triggersa physiological reaction inthe other person as heart rateand galvanic skin responsesincrease.

The other person thentries to restore the properdistance by looking away,stepping behind a barrier(desk, chair, table), crossingtheir arms to create a barrier,pulling back to create space,

or tucking in the chin as aninstinctive move of protection.Getting too close is an

especially improper move incircumstances where workers,colleagues or clients are indanger of feeling emotionallyor physically threatened bythe invasion on their personalspace.

Anyone who overstepsspace boundaries is perceived

as rude, aggressive or sociallyclueless.

So keep your distance.Respecting another personsspace can help you buildrapport with your colleaguesand close sales with yourclients.