Sp. 121 Ch. 12 Interpersonal Contexts Communication in Friendships Communication in the Family...
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Sp. 121 Ch. 12Interpersonal Contexts
Communication in Friendships
Communication in the Family
Communication in Intimate Relationships
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Types of Communication In Friendships
• Short vs. Long term• Task vs. Maintenance Oriented• Low vs. High Disclosure• Low vs. High Obligation• Infrequent vs. Frequent Contact
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Friendships, Gender and Communication
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Communication in Successful Friendships• Friendships come with expectations, & when not met, we
consider them violations.– Share joys and sorrows– Listen-even when not very interested (Ch. 7 & 10)– Maintain Confidences-discretion is expected– Help– Stand up for each other-defends rights, honor, & reputation– Honor Pledges/Commitments-vital even if small things– Treat with Respect-act to affirm each person’s dignity– Have Balanced Exchanges- Social Exchange Theory (cost/reward)
p.284– Have Connection & Autonomy-time with & without them, &
Freedom for own, different choices (Ch. 9)– Apologize and Forgive- good apology & true forgiveness = repair for
relationship (Ch. 9)
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Contemporary Families
• Today families have many arrangements.– Traditional: Nuclear family-Mother, father,
child(ren) • May or may not live with extended family
– Nontraditional: Adoption by one parent, adoption by same-sex couple, use of surrogate mother, us of sperm donor, blended families (one or both previously married w/ child(ren), GLBT within family, etc.
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Family Communication
• Families are based on, formed and maintained with communication.
Shared Narratives- reinforce shared goals, teach values, & stress concerns. (Stressing positive storytelling & using “we” language helps function & satisfaction.)Rituals- Expected, repeated behaviors (for celebrations or everyday life)Rules- each family creates; can be explicit (clearly spoken) or may need to be hinted. Stepfamilies- unique rules-what to avoid or not; stepchildren- avoid talking more with stepparents & amount of sharing affected by highly authoritarian or highly permissive parents.Rules govern talking w/people outside family (strangers and/or use of Internet)
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Family Communication Patterns-as Systems
• All families are systems with members interacting to form a whole.
• System characteristics shaping how members communicate:– Interdependence: each event shapes future
interaction– More than the sum of its parts: members interact
differently alone than with family– Systems within the larger system: combinations
for each set of interacting members; more members=more combinations
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Family Patterns: Family Openness and Conformity
• Conversational orientation: degree family favors open climate & discusses wide variety of topics– High conversational orientation=communicate
often w/few limits on topics; talk w/children for relational reasons. Conflict may be integrating & compromising. Conversation is rewarding; kids have more interpersonal skills for later relationships. (Koesten, 2004)
– Low conversational orientation=interact less w/fewer private thoughts exchanged
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Family Patterns: Conformity
• Conformity orientation: degree of stressing uniform attitudes, values, and beliefs
– Commun. w/children for control & escape motives as well as affection.
– High conformity = Hierarchical; often some have more authority than others.
– Low conformity = family interests subordinated to individual interests
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Examining Conversation & Conformity Orientations= 4 Family Types
• Consensual = high in both conversation openness & conformity (pressure to agree <hierarchy> but interest in being open, too
• Pluralistic = high in openness & low in conformity (unrestrained & each person evaluated on own merits)
• Protective = low openness & high conformity (obey authority & reluctant to share thoughts/feelings)
• Laissez-faire = lack of involvement w/each other; decisions are individual
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Relationships within Families
• Spouses/Partners: (Looking at Gender-relatedcommunication = 4 categories)
• Masculine comm.= highly instrumental, task-related topics, low in expressive (emotional) content
• Feminine comm.= high in expressiveness, low in instrumentality
• Androgynous comm.= both emotional & instrumental messages
• Undifferentiated comm.= low in both instrumentality and expressiveness
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Gender type & Couple Satisfaction
• Gender-typed pairs (same types)=lower satisfaction than– Androgynous pairs– Stereotyped feminine wives w/extremely masculine
husbands = lowest satisfaction & love (Helms, et al 2006)
• Similarity also important. Similar instrumental & expressive scores (undifferentiated couples) were about as satisfied as Androgynous ones.
• Different expressive scores in gender typed couple =lower marital quality
• Conflict w/Spouses/Partners =can be aggressive or can ignore conflict (withdraw). Both are harmful
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Parent-Child Communication Dimensions• Interaction Patterns: More persons=more dyads
– Enriching but complicated– Blended families: children from prior marriage
• How do siblings interact w/ blood vs. step siblings?• How do parents interact with all? • What happens when new child related to all arrives?
• Managing Connection-Autonomy Dialectic:2 incompatible forces exist at same time (Ch. 9)– Adolescents
• Often challenge rules/beliefs = discipline, family roles (tasks), topics allowed
• Establish nonfamily relationships• Weaken family bonds• Healthy boundaries (privacy & freedom) & flexibility both needed
to negotiate new balance of openness/closedness=parents & children (how often to communicate, etc.)
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Siblings
• Siblings have strategies for maintaining relationships. Confirmation, humor, social support, escape
• 3 dimensions of interaction:- Affection, hostility and rivalry (Myers & Bryant, 2008)
- Affection usually reciprocated, but hostility & rivalry may not be. - After separation & divorce, single-parent family siblings= higher
in affection & hostility than siblings in two-parent families. (Noller, 2005)
• Important for older siblings to maintain relationships through behaviors:
o Sharing tasks, expressing positivity, and offering assurances (Myers, 2003)
o Sharing family stories w/ siblings validates feelings/life choices. (McGoldrick, 1999)
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Effective Family Communication
• Strive for balance but respect boundaries.– Enmeshed family= one w/ too much cohesion– Disengaged family= too little cohesion, limited attachment
or commitment to each other (Olson, 2000)
• Families solve by creating boundaries, limits on members’ actions. – Physical (“stay out”) & Conversational boundaries – can be how topic is handled.
– Newcomers=learn a family’s boundaries
• Healthy boundaries balance openness & closedness.– Relational communication allows privacy and freedom
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Strive for Moderate Adaptability Level
• Adapt how family functions & how members deal with each other– Negotiate & begin to share control w/teens– High adaptability- more contact with GLBT children
than families with low adaptability• Chaotic Family: Too much adaptability=erratic or no
leadership; unclear, shifting roles, & impulsive decisions• Rigid Family: Too little adaptability= authoritarian
leadership; strict discipline; inflexible roles; & unchanging rules
• Families function better when cohesion, conformity, & adaptability levels are moderate. (Schrodt, 2005)
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• These messages show we value the other person.• 2 highly confirming ones for children (Ellis. 2002)
– telling children they’re unique & valuable– genuinely listening to what kids say is important– More confirmation w/adolescents= more openness w/ parents
(Dailey, 2006)
• Disconfirming messages– belittling children– communicating their ideas don’t count
• Successful Marriages use confirming messages when realistic. Satisfied couples use ratio of 5:1 (positive-to-negative) (Gottman, 2003)
Encourage Confirming Messages
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Deal Constructively w/Conflict
• Conflict is natural & inevitable.• Challenge is resolving effectively so
relationship is stronger, NOT avoiding it– Physical and/or verbal aggression is not the way to
handle it.– Couples ignoring (withdrawing)=less satisfaction.
• Family conflict management:– Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff– Focus on Manageable Issues-break into parts– Share appreciation as Well as Gripes– Seek Win-Win Solutions
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Family Conflicts• Not all conflicts are resolvable.• As long as confirming communication is used,
family commitment and satisfaction doesn’t have to be reduced. Fight fairly.
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Communication in Intimate Relationships
• Dimensions of Intimacy: – Emotional (can be about finances)– Physical– Intellectual– Shared Activities
• Can have one or even all four qualities• Living w/o any intimacy is unhealthy.• Fear of intimacy can cause major problems
creating/maintaining relationships.
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Gender and Intimacy
• Studies saying women are more concerned with and better at developing/maintaining intimate relationships used to be true, but the differences are aren’t as dramatic as they used to be. (Dindia, 2002)
• Emotional expression isn’t the only way to develop close relationships. Today, the meaning of intimacy is more similar than different for men and women. (Radmacher…,2006)
• No generalization applies to every person. • Cultural shift in U.S. = fathers becoming more affectionate
with sons than previously-even if some expressed in shared activities.
• Remember: men and women still differ in how to express it.
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Culture and Intimacy
• Intimacy varies from one culture to another.(Marshall, 2010)
• Cultural differences in intimacy are less prominent as the world is connected by media, travel, and technology.
• Large differences between Eastern and Western cultured may be disappearing. (Hatfield & Rapson, 2006)
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Social Media & Intimacy
• Communication through social media=important to create & maintain social relationships, and can be just as personal as face-to-face. (Hans et al, 2004)
– It may develop more quickly through mediated channels.• Anonymity allows a freedom of expression not
necessarily in FtF meetings. (Ben-Ze’ev, 2003)• Emailing and messaging allow more constant contact
with loved ones. (Boase, er al, 2006)
• Self-disclosure level determines intimacy level as impersonal or interpersonal
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Commitment in Intimate Relationships
• Relational commitment involves a promise (implied or explicit) to stay in the relationship and make it successful.
• Both language and actions measure commitment.– Language clarifies (but has to match actions)– Ceremonies can recognize & cement commitment.
• If looking for commitment, regular maintenance is required.
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Maintaining Intimacy
• Maintenance-related communication aims to sustain features making relationship successful and satisfying. (Sahlstein, 2004)
• Even long-distance relationships can maintain intimacy via mediated channels. Tong…, 2011a)
– Social media may be more effective than FtF to improve the quality of a relationship. (Walther…, 2010)
• Can keep working on it, presenting the an idealized version of yourself (Rabby…, 2003)
• Partners negotiate “acceptable” online behavior for maintaining intimacy or “netiquette”. (Helsper…, 2010)
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5 Strategies for Maintaining Romantic Relationships
• 1. Positivity• 2. Openness• 3. Assurances• 4. Sharing tasks• 5. Social networks
– The perception of both partners working equallyhard to maintain the relationship may be more
important than the reality.
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