Six Third-Person Introspections by O.G. Rose

7/21/2019 Six Third-Person Introspections by O.G. Rose

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Vlx Uhlre-Sjrska LatrkspjftlkasK.M. Wksj



Uhjkelfy

‐]hy ls thjrj n Hj``;‒ Vnrnh nsije Enalj` oust whja thj wnltjr nppjnrje wlth thj fhjfi.Enalj` pnle dkr thj elaajr nae Vnrnh wjat tk thj gnthrkkb. ]hja shj fnbj gnfi, Vnrnh nae Enalj``jdt, `numhlam nae tnìlam ngkut whja thjy dlrst bjt nae snt la thnt trjj n`` ndtjrakka. Vnrnh dj`t `lij

hjrsj`d nrkuae Enalj`9 hj tkè hjr shj wns gjnutldu`, frjntlvj, duaay… Uhjy hne bjt dkur yjnrs nmk.‐Grkthjr!‒ Vnrnh jxf`nlbje whjajvjr shj snw hlb. N`` Vnrnh wnatje wns tk bnij thj wkrèhnppy9 ld mlvja n fhnafj, shj wkuè grlam oky tk thj ejvl`. Ukmjthjr, Enalj` nae Vnrnh wjrj drjj.

(Kaj eny, Vnrnh bjt n gky whk elea“t hnvj n dnthjr nae Vnrnh wnatje tk bnij thj gky djj`mkke ngkut hlbsj`d. Uhj gky tkè Vnrnh thnt shj wns gjnutldu`, grl``lnat, frjntlvj, duaay, mjaulaj, nae`kvj`y. Vnrnh gùshje nae snle alfj thlams ngkut thj gky la rjtura, iakw lam thnt shj shkuèa“t ilsshlb.)

‐L“b prjmanat.‒ Vnrnh tkè Enalj`. Enalj` ilssje hjr.‐\ku gnstnre!‒ Vnrnh“s dnthjr shkutje. Hj puafhje Enalj` la thj dnfj nae Enalj` ajvjr snle

n wkre. Uhj dnthjr `jdt ndtjr hj g`kkelje thj uabnrrlje Enalj` nae `jdt hlb ka thj mrkuae `lij thjejne. Drkb thjrj, Enalj` rjnfhje up, nae tkki Vnrnh gy thj hnae,

‐Dkr yku.‒ Vnrnh n`wnys iajw thnt Enalj` wns thj gky shj wkuè bnrry.



Gjnuty nae thj Gjnst

Uhj erkp-ejne mkrmjkus g`kaej rjne nakthjr nrtlf`j ngkut hkw gjnuty wns gjttjr thna sjxy, w rlttja gy n ‘gjnutldu`“ mlr`. Vhj hne ekaj hjr okg? thj g`kaej slmhje. Ak sjxy g`kaej thkumht thjy wjrja“t gjnutldu`. ‘Gj `kvje dkr whnt“s ka thj laslej,“ thj nrtlf`js rjne, ‘gj `kvje dkr yku, akt dkr ykur

jqulpbjat“. Vhj, Nsh`jy, hne glm grjnsts9 shj elea“t nsi dkr thjb9 shj elea“t nsi tk dlt rlmht latk nsubbjr g`kfigustjr thnt `nfije nay nsplrntlka tk wla na Ksfnr. Nae shj elea“t nsi tk gj anbje‘Nsh`jy“ ‖ fkuè n mlr` mjt n bkrj typlfn` anbj; Nsh`jy slppje ka hjr trnaqul`n nae neblrje hjr `nrmjrlam. @lij hjr anbj, lt dlt `lij n shnfi`j.

Gjnutldu`; Nsh`jy iajw n `kt ngkut gjlam gjnutldu`. Ka thj laslej. Muys tkè hjr ‘yku“rj akt`lij kthjr mlr`s“ gjdkrj trjntlam hjr `lij kthjr mlr`s, gjdkrj trylam tk s`jjp wlth hjr. Muys hne nenptje?thjy iajw mlr`s tkeny wnatje tk gj tkè thjy wjrj sku`-swjjt gjdkrj mlvlam kvjr thjlr swjjt-thlmhs.Lt wns thj prlfj dkr mjttlam `nle. Uhls nrtlf`j ngkut ‘gjnuty vjrsus sjxy“ elea“t uavjl` nay skrt kdualvjrsn`, kgojftlvj truth? lt oust tnumht muys whnt thjy ajjeje tk sny tk mjt whnt thjy wnatje. Akajkd thjsj ‘mjt rjn`“ nrtlf`js jvjr bnej naykaj rjn`? thjy oust tnumht pjkp`j thj `namunmj thjy ajjeje tkusj tk nft `lij thjy wjrj hubna. Nsh`jy fut hjr jyjs up nt n sjxy gky `kkilam nt hjr grjnsts. Nsh`jy wns slttlam la n gnr ajnr n gjnfh. ]jnrlam n glilal, shj sbl`je nt thj gky. Ld hj wnatje tk s`jjp wlth

hjr, hj wkuè fkbj kvjr, nsi hjr ka n entj, nae thnt almht, ndtjr ‘mjttlam rjn` wlth hjr“, snyskbjthlam ngkut hkw shj wnsa“t oust n gkey, gut n pjrska. Uhja, surprlsje, shj wkuè fry tk shkwhjr mrntltuej nae `jt hlb mjt whnt hj wnatje. N`` thj gkys wjrj uslam thj snbj strntjmy. Nae shjfkuè p`ny n`kam.

Hj wns n gjnst. N sjxy gjnst. Nae shj; ]ns shj n gjnst; Uhj mlr` whk bnej thj mlr`s whkelea“t hnvj glm grjnsts djj` lanejquntj; Lt wnsa“t `lij shj wnatje tk bnij kthjr mlr`s djj` thnt w ny.Vhj wns gkra wlth hjr mjajs nae elea“t thlai shj wns gjttjr thna kthjr mlr`s uatl` thjy tkè hjr tkstkp thlailam shj wns gjttjr thna thjb. Ouemje, hurt, shj mnvj thjb whnt thjy wnatje. Vhj trlje akttk dkr yjnrs, tk rjslst turalam tk vnalty, gut thj gjnutldu` mlr`s ajvjr fhnamje. Uhjy ijpt djj`lamsupjrlkr tk thj sjxy mlr`s dkr gjlam ‘gjnutldu` ka thj laslej“. Uhj sjxy mlr`s elea“t nsi dkr thls, akr elethjy nsi tk jbpkwjr thj gjnutldu` mlr`s. Gut kafj lt gjfnbj f`jnr tk Nsh`jy thnt thj gjnutldu` mlr`s

wnatje thj sjxy mlr`s tk djj` supjrlkr tk thjb sk thnt thjy, thj gjnutldu` mlr`s, fkuè djj` supjrlkr dkrgjlam gjnutldu`, Nsh`jy stnrtje tk nft nrrkmnat`y. Uk mlvj thjb whnt thjy wnatje. Uk hj`p thjb. Ukmlvj hjr `ldj bjnalam. Uk akt djj` n`kaj. Vk thnt thjy elea“t djj` n`kaj, Nsh`jy wns silaay. Gne. Tkùptukus. Nae kthjr thlams hjr Eneey elea“t thlai shj wns. Vhj `jt bja rjdjr tk hjr ns n sjxkgojft sk thnt thj mlr`s whk wjrj gjnutldu` fkuè djj` ngkvj hjr. Vhj `lije lt whja shj wns ka thjgkttkb. Gjajnth gjnsts. Gjajnth gjnutljs.

Nsh`jy rjne thj Guzzdjje nrtlf`j kaj bkrj tlbj. Dkr thj gjnutldu` mlr`s, shj wns sjxy9 dkrkthjrs, shj bnej thjb djj` um`y. Vk thnt thjy fkuè djj` splrltun``y supjrlkr. Nsh`jy n`wnys gj`ljvjethnt lt wns thj splrlt thnt fkuatje. Gut gjfnusj shj wns sjxy nae hne glm grjnsts, ak kaj thkumht shjhne n splrlt. ]hja shj f`nlbje thnt shj ele, kthjrs oust thkumht shj hne rjne skbj Guzzdjje nrtlf`jnae `jnraje thnt ‘L gj`ljvj la splrltun` gjnuty“ ls whnt pjkp`j wjrj suppksje tk sny. Uk sjjb hubg`j.

Uk sjjb rjn`. Uk sjjb `lij thjy wjrj dkfuslam ka whnt rjn``y bnttjrje. Nsh`jy wlaije nt n muy whk wns rjnelam n gkki. Hj shkki hls hjne nae wjat gnfi tk rjnelam. Hj iajw whnt bnttjrje9 hj iajwshj elea“t. Gjfnusj shj wns sjxy. Gjfnusj kd hkw shj wlaije nt hlb. Vhj wns trylam tk tj`` hlb ‘ijjpnt lt“, gut hj thkumht shj wns bkfilam hlb. Gjfnusj kd hkw shj `kkije. Gjfnusj kd hjr gkey. Hjthkumht shj wns n gjnuty nae n gjnst.

Nsh`jy gj`ljvje thnt n gjnutldu` splrlt wns whnt rjn``y bnttjrje, nae, gjlam hubg`j, gkrj thjeuty kd gjlam sjxy sk thnt gjnutldu` mlr`s fkuè djj`. N`lvj. Gjnutldu`. Tnùje. Nsh`jy `jt hjrsj`d gjfkaqujrje gy gjnutljs nae gjnsts tk bnij kthjrs hnppy. Uk djj` mkke. Vk shj wkrije kut, sfu`ptjehjr gkey, nae shkwje kdd hjr grjnsts. Akt gjfnusj shj wnatje tk, gut sk thnt lasplrntlkan` Guzzdjje



nrtlf`js hne n sugojft tk hubl`lntj. Uk `kki ekwa upka. Uk ouemj ns nrrkmnat. Nsh`jy wns n grl``lnatmlr`. Uhj gjnutldu` mlr`s nssubje shj wns stuple. Nae shj wns? shj fnrje ngkut thj gjnutljs nae thjgjnsts. Vtuple`y. Nsh`jy gj`ljvje la hj`plam jvjrykaj la nay wny shj fku`e. Vhj gj`ljvje la puttlamka bnijup. La wjnrlam blalsilrts. La gjlam ejdnbje. La gjlam tna. La akt wnatlam tk gj sjja la rjn``ldj. La gjlam sfrjwje. La gjlam skumht nt n elstnafj. La gjlam uanpprjflntje. La n`wnys sbl`lam. La

gjlam sila ejjp. La squlrblam. La pjrdjft hnlr. La gjlam gne. La gjlam n dnfj. La bknalam. La hj`plamkthjrs djj` mkke. N guzz-djjejr. Uhnt“s n`` Nsh`jy jvjr hkpje tk gj.



Ekugtlam Uhkbns

Fkuè hj wnì tk thj kthjr slej kd thj sfhkk` ‖ nae `lvj; Hj elea“t iakw ‖ hj hnea“t jvjathkumh ngkut lt ‖ gut akw thj kè, g`nfi ouemj trlje tk rjbjbgjr. Ld hj thkumht ngkut lt thja. Kr ldhj oust wnìje. Lmakrnat. Hj wns thj dlrst g`nfi stuejat nt thj Hlmh Vfhkk`. Ak kaj tnìje ngkut

rnfj. Uhj kè bna tkè thnt tk n frkwe hj spkij tk thj kthjr almht nt n fkadjrjafj. Uhj ajxt eny,kutrnmje tnì shkw hksts tkè hlb thnt wns gjfnusj, gnfi thja, n g`nfi gky fkuè gj il``je dkrtnìlam ngkut rnfj. ]ns thnt why lt wnsa“t elsfussje; Uhj ouemj wns kvjr sjvjaty. Uhkbns snt gnfila hls fhnlr. Hj tlrje tk rjbjbgjr. Hj rjbjbgjrje wnìlam latk thj sfhkk` nae wnìlam tk thj kthjrjae kd thj hn``. Dkr yjnrs. Hj rjbjbgjrje mrjjtlam skbj kd hls whltj drljaes. Uhjy sbl`je nt hlb.Hntlam hlb; Bnygj hj wns trylam tk fkavlafj hlbsj`d thnt jvjrythlam wns n`rlmht ‖ thnt jvjrythlam wns jqun` ‖ thnt hls drljaes wjrj drljaes. Uhkbns thkumht hnrejr. Hj dj`t thj wkrè wns bufh bkrjrnfln``y nae sjxun``y sp`lt akw thna lt wns la thj pnst. Uhj bjeln snle thnt la thj pnst, ld yku tnìjengkut elddjrjafjs, yku wjrj put la onl`. ]ns thnt why pjkp`j wjrja“t sk elddjrjafj-fkasflkus; Djnrkd onl`; Uhkbns trlje tk thlai `lij hj thkumht thja. Gut akw hj wns kè nae fkuèa“t rjbjbgjr hkwhj thkumht whja hj wns ykuam. Hls pnst wns s`lpplam latk hls duturj. Bjrmlam. Laelstlamulshng`j.Kaj kd thj tnì shkw hksts snle thnt thj ka`y rjnska Uhkbns mkt latk fk``jmj wns gjfnusj kd

Nddlrbntlvj Nftlka9 Uhkbns thkumht lt wns gjfnusj hj wkrije sk hnre. ]ns thnt akt truj; ]ns hjs`nbblam thj ekkr la thj dnfj kd thj `jmls`ntlka thnt bnej hls `ldj pksslg`j; Uhkbns hnea“t rjn``ythkumht ngkut lt gjdkrj, nae hj skka rjn`lzje thnt hj fkuè ajvjr iakw dkr surj. Hj wns stufi? hjfkuè ajvjr iakw ld hj hne whnt lt tkki. Hj fkuè gj`ljvj hj ele, gut ajvjr iakw. Hj wns trnppje.Lbprlskaje. Akw, s`jjp blmht gj hnrejr. Hj hne `lvje n hnre `ldj, nae akw, s`jjp wkuè gj hnrejr. Uhkbns fkuè ajvjr iakw ld hj hne gjfkbj n ouemj gjfnusj hj wns thj gjst kr gjfnusj hj wnsg`nfi. Gjfnusj kd kthjrs. Gjfnusj kd pjkp`j whk wnatje tk bnij thlams gjttjr dkr g`nfi pjkp`j.Gjfnusj kd hjrkjs. @lnrs ‖ whk wjrj thjsj tnì shkw hksts tk tj`` hlb whnt hj hne jxpjrljafje; Hj wns thj kaj whk hne dnfje sjmrjmntlka nae `jmn` rnflsb, akt thjb. Gnfi thja, ld pjkp`j wjrja“trnflst, thjy wjat tk onl`. Onl` ‖ Uhkbns wns dnbl`lnr wlth lt ‖ gjlam n ouemj. Nae trnppje, `lij hj wns, wkaejrlam tk ak jae. Gut bnygj hj wns wrkam; Hj fkuèa“t mjt thj lejn kut kd hls hjne. Uhkbns

trlje tk rjbjbgjr whnt hj hne thkumht ns hj wnìje drkb thnt kaj jae kd thj sfhkk` tk thj kthjr.Hj snw thj tj`jvlslka tnì shkw hksts stnaelam thjrj, wntfhlam hlb, tj``lam hlb thnt pjkp`j fkuèa“ttnì ngkut rnfj gjfnusj lt wkuè mjt thjb lafnrfjrntje. Uhj ykuam Uhkbns `kkije nt hls drljaes, whk sbl`je nae elea“t spjni. @lnrs. Bnygj thj tnì shkw hksts wjrj rlmht; Ekugtlam, Uhkbns elea“tiakw? hj wns oust na kè, g`nfi ouemj whk rjbjbgjrje `ldj slbp`jr thna lt wns akw. Urnppje.



Uhj Fkbjelna

Hj gurst kut `numhlam. Ka thj fkbputjr sfrjja wns hls pkrtrnlt nae n `nrmj fnptlka?

Hk``ywkke“s Hnppljst Nftkr Eljs

Lt wns n sulflej nae hnppjaje jnr`ljr thls jvjalam. Lt wns n`sk n hknx, gut n mkke hknx ‖ mksslp huamry dnas trlfilam mksslp huamry dnas. Uhj fkbjelna npprjflntje n mkke prnai. Jvjrykaj whk snw lt, wnatlam tk prjsjrvj thj laakfjafj kd thjlr fhlèhkkes, wkuè prny thnt lt wns nftun``y,gy mrnfj, n hkblflej (jvja gjdkrj thjy thkumht lt blmht gj n okij). Kr n erum-kvjreksj ‖ thnt elea“thlt thj blae ns latjatlkan` jlthjr. Wjfjat`y, thj fkbjelna hne fkaslejrje bkvlam latk bkrj sjrlkusrk``s nae nueltlkaje tk gj thj dnthjr kd n ska whk hne gjja burejrje, thkumh jvjrykaj thkumht thjska hne fkbblttje sulflej. Akt hj`plam hls fnsj, thj ska hne gjja n wj``-iakwa buslflna naetnìje ngkut hkw eylam ykuam wns n blrnf`j ‖ lt prkpj``je yku latk thj rnais kd stnrs wlthkut hnvlamtk wkrry ngkut nutkmrnphs. La thj dl`b, thj dnthjr ajvjr dkuae kut thj truth? hj ajvjr jsfnpje thjpksslgl`lty thnt hls ska hne nftun``y gjja burejrje gy skbjkaj whk bnej lt `kki `lij n sulflej (whknmnlast hls ska dkumht tk stny n`lvj, nwnrj thnt thj burejrjr blmht bnij hls ejnth `kki `lij n sulflej

tk rula hls dnbl`y“s rjputntlka). Uhj kvjr`y-latjran` dl`b jaeje wlth thj dnthjr fkaslejrlam sulflej,strufi gy thj stuaalam nae trltj rjn`lzntlka thnt ak kaj j`sj gut hlb fkuè bnij hlb fkbblt sulflej?thnt sulflej wns na jxprjsslka kd rnelfn` drjjekb. Nae thj dnthjr wnatje tk gj drjj drkb aktiakwlam hkw hls ska elje. @lij thj dnthjr hj nueltlkaje tk prjtjae tk gj, thj fkbjelna hne n`wnys wnatje tk hj`p pjkp`j gj drjj. Uk gj thjbsj`vjs. Sjkp`j `lij thj rlfh nae sulflen`. Nakthjr rk`j thjfkbjelna hne rjfjat`y nueltlkaje dkr wns thnt kd n fj`jgrlty whksj dnshlkang`j hjrk fkbblttjesulflej nae whk wns fkaslejrlam gjlam `lij hlb. N fkpyfnt. N fj`jgrlty. Hj wnatje tk fkbbltsulflej nae slafj hj iajw pjkp`j wkuè thlai lt wns euj tk f`lalfn` ejprjsslka, hj wka“t gj g`nbjedkr lt, sk why akt; Ndtjr n``, hls rk`j bkej` hne fkbblttje sulflej, nae ak kaj gut hlb fkuè iakwld thj pnla wns uagjnrng`j ‖ ld hj suddjrje drkb ejprjsslka kr sneajss-fn``je-ejprjsslka ‖ naenaykaj whk fn``je hlb sj`dlsh wkuè gj fn``je sj`dlsh. Hj wkuèa“t gj hntje9 ld naythlam, pjkp`j

wkuè bnij n okij ngkut hkw jbpty nae tjrrlg`j `ldj wns, n`ùelam tk hlb. (‘Ukeny thj HnpplajssBna n`lvj il``je hlbsj`d9 ka n pksltlvj aktj, sulflej gkbgjrs g`jw up n sfhkk`.“). Sjkp`j wkuè`numh. Uhja skbjkaj wkuè okij ngkut hkw okijs hlej pjkp`j“s pnla. Nae pjkp`j wkuè `numh.Sjkp`j whk ajjeje tk gj`ljvj sulflej wnsa“t n bnttjr kd fhklfj, whk ajjeje tk prjsjrvj thj `jmnfykd thjlr hjrkjs. Sjkp`j whk wkuè gj kddjaeje tk thlai thnt skbj pjkp`j blmht f`nlb tk gjejprjssje la krejr tk ‘mjt kut kd onl` drjj“. Sjkp`j whk ajjeje tk gj`ljvj n`` sulflejs ejsjrvjesybpnthy. (Zang`j tk tj`` thj mjaulaj drkb thj fkwnre`y. Uhksj dkr whkb sulflej wns gjykae thjlrfkatrk` drkb thksj dkr whkb sulflej wns n `lgjrntlam fhklfj.) Sjkp`j whk ajjeje thj pksslgl`ltythnt sulflej, `lij n fnr wrjfi, wnsa“t n pjrska“s dnu`t ‖ thnt fj`jgrltljs wjrj laejje pjkp`j wkrthy kdfj`jgrntlka. N`` la krejr tk kvjrfkbj thj wjlreajss kd fj`jgrntlam skbjkaj whk fkbblttje sulflej. Uhj wjlreajss kd fj`jgrntlam n mke thnt il``je hlbsj`d. La thj dl`b, thj fj`jgrlty, whk thj fkbjelna

nueltlkaje tk gj, lbnmlaje n`` hls dnas sfrjnblam nt hlb. (‘Hkw enrj yku tnij drkb us thj ngl`lty tkrjbjbgjr ykur `ldj dkae`y! Drkb wntfhlam ykur dl`bs hnppl`y!“) Nae thj fj`jgrlty rjmrjttjegjfkblam n fj`jgrlty nae wnatje tk rjpjat kd hls fnrjjr, sk hj thkumht sulflej wns n mrjnt wny tkbnij pjkp`j stkp wntfhlam hls dl`bs nae dkrsnij hlb. Gut hj stuple`y gj`ljvje la Hj``, sk, stnaelamka n rkkdtkp, ngkut tk oubp, thj fj`jgrlty, n fkbjelna, ejfleje tk pug`lsh na Latjrajt hknx ngkuthls sulflej lastjne. Oust gjfnusj hj wnatje tk djj` `lmht nmnla. @lmhts. Fnbjrn. Nftlka. Hj hne n`wnysdj`t `lij hj fkuè sknr. ]hja hj wns ykuam. Nae `ntjr thj fj`jgrlty wkuè fkaslejr wrltlam n sfrlptdkr n bkvlj ngkut na nftkr fkaslejrlam n`` thj elddjrjat sulflen` fhnrnftjrs hj nueltlkaje tk p`ny, guthypkfrltlfn``y hj wkuè elsblss thj sfrlpt ns bjtn-ouai, jvja thkumh hj `lvje la thj nmj kd thj bjtn-



pjkp`j (whjrj ouai wns akrbn`). Ejjp ekwa thkumh, thj fj`jgrlty iajw thj rjn` rjnska why hjelea“t prkeufj thj sfrlpt? hj fkuèa“t `lvj wlth hlbsj`d ld hj hur`je sufh thkumhts latk thj ualvjrsj,lafjptlam thjb latk thj blaes kd fhlèrja, whk blmht usj thjb dkr twk rjnskas thnt wjrj u`tlbntj`ythj snbj? mkke nae jvl`.

LL

Uhj fkbjelna, fhufi`lam, rksj drkb hls ejsi nae turaje tk thj gn`fkay kd hls gjerkkb. Hj wns hlmh up thj Ajw \kri siy`laj, lafrjelg`y dnbkus. N `lmht kd thj wkrè, thjy fn``je hlb. Hjn`wnys mkt thj `nst `numh. Uhj gjst `numh. Hls `ldj wns n okij? hj fkuè bnij naykaj `numh naefhlèrja kd n`` nmjs hne bjbkrlzje hls bkst dnbkus `lajs. Hj fkuèa“t mk kutslej wlthkut skbjkajmushlam kvjr hls grl``lnafj. Uhj fkbjelna wns na latrkvjrt, ns hj hne tk gj tk put la n`` thj yjnrs kdsk`ltnry prnftlfj rjqulrje tk ejvj`kp na lafrjelg`j sil`` whlfh oust jvjrykaj hne tk sjj. ]hja thjfkbjelna wns n fhlè, hj erjnbje kd gjfkblam n dnbkus nftkr? thj gjst kd thj gjst. Lt tkki twjaty-dlvj yjnrs, gut nt thj nmj kd thlrty-dlvj, hj sfkrje hls dlrst, glm Hk``ywkke mlm. N rkfijt usje bufhbkrj duj` eurlam tnijkdd thna lt ele eurlam thj rjst kd lts okurajy? kafj lt pnssje n fjrtnla pklat, thjjavlrkabjat fnrrlje thj rkfijt thj rjst kd thj wny . Vufh wns thj fkbjelna“s fnrjjr? lt ajnr`y il``je

hlb tk mjt hls dlrst okg, gut kafj thnt hnppjaje, hj fkuèa“t hnvj nvkleje thj stnrs jvja ld hj wnatjetk. Gjfkblam dnbkus wns na lafrjelg`j nfhljvjbjat, na nfhljvjbjat nmnlast na kppkajat, nae thntkppkajat wns hlbsj`d.

Dkr thj snij kd jxpnaelam n pksltlvj ladùjafj, thj fkbjelna hne n`wnys erjnbje kd dnbj,nae hj akw thkumht dkae`y kd thj tlbjs whja hj wns jnmjr tk dlae kut whnt lt wns `lij tk gjskbjkaj whk iajw whjthjr thjy wjrj elddjrjat drkb kthjr fj`jgrltljs. Hj `numhje hls glm, dnbkus`numh. Uhj fhlèrja `kvje hlb thj bkst. ]hjrjvjr hj wjat, thjy rna up tk hlb nae nftje `lij kaj kdhls fhnrnftjrs. Hj `kvje tk wntfh fhlèrja p`ny, oubp, nae `kki nt thj wkrè. Ns ld hj wnsa“t thjrj.Hj `lije tk wntfh. Lavlslg`j. Lt hj`pje hlb ejvj`kp bntjrln`. Akw, jvjrykaj stkppje whnt thjy wjrjeklam tk tj`` hlb hkw bufh thjy npprjflntje hls wkri. Hls mjalus. Hj sbl`je nae thnaije thjb. Uhj fkbjelna hne gjja uang`j tk fkbj up wlth bntjrln` dkr yjnrs. \jt ak kaj fnrje? thjy stl``

rjbjbgjrje hkw mrjnt hj hne gjja nae hnre`y aktlfje thnt hj hne stkppje gjlam la dl`bs. Uhj fkbjelna wns `kvje bkrj thna hj fkuè jvjr iakw. Ns na nrtlst, hj ajvjr wnatje tk stkp frjntlam wkri. Gut hj oust wnsa“t ns wltty ns hj kafj

wns. Hj hne mnthjrje n `kt kd bntjrln` drkb gkkis, gut lt wns hnre tk rjne akw wlthkut gjlamlatjrruptje9 durthjrbkrj, lt wns hnre tk akt thlai kd hlbsj`d ns dnbkus whl`j rjnelam, nae thnt `jasmkt la thj wny kd bkst thlams, pnrtlfu`nr`y hls ngl`lty tk frjntlvj`y ngskrg bntjrln`. Hj hne gjfkbjtkk tjasj. Uk rjst nae erjnb, thj fkbjelna d`jw tk dkrjlma fkuatrljs tk wnaejr thrkumh fltljs, naethj whk`j tlbj hj wkaejrje ld hj wkuè gj rjfkmalzje9 la thj pnst, hj ka`y thkumht ngkut whnt hj wns sjjlam, akt ld skbjkaj wns sjjlam hlb. Uhj fkbjelna `kvje tk tnij wnìs. La thj wkkes nae laejsjrts, gut jspjfln``y la fltljs. Ns kaj kd thj dnfj`jss pjkp`j. Ns kaj kd thj strnamjrs. Hj wkuè sltnt tng`js kutslej kd rjstnurnats nae oust wntfh pjkp`j. Dkr hkurs. Lt wns hls dnvkrltj thlam tk ek. Uk

oust sjj whnt thj wkrè wns eklam. Uk dlae gjnuty. ]lthkut snylam n wkre. Lt mnvj hlb sk bnaylejns, bnej hlb djj` sk n`lvj. @lij n `lmht kd thj wkrè. Uhj fkbjelna put hls hnaes ka thj rnl`lam kd hls gn`fkay, `kkilam kut. Lt wns almht, nae

jvjrykaj `kvje hlb. Jvjrykaj hne thjlr fhlèhkkes tk thnai hlb dkr shnplam. ]hja hj wns ykuam,thj fkbjelna hne erjnbje hj fkuè hj`p pjkp`j `lvj gjttjr `lvjs. Nae hj hne suffjjeje9 naerlmhtdu``y, hj wns dnbkus. Nae akw hj fkuèa“t mk naywhjrj wlthkut gjlam thnaije9 hj fkuèa“t `lj

ekwa nt almht wlthkut thlailam, whjajvjr hj hjnre n skuae, thnt skbjkaj wns grjnilam la tk mlvjhlb n hum. Uhj fhklfj tk gjfkbj na nftkr hne gjja thj fhklfj tk gj surrkuaeje gy pjkp`j whk`kvje hlb. ]hja hj fhksj tk sjji stnrekb, hj hnea“t iakwa thls wkuè hnppja. Fkasjqujat`y,



lmakrnat, hj wns ng`j tk fhkksj thj `ldj hj wnatje tk `lvj. Hj wns ng`j tk hkpj. Za-kpprjssje gydnfts. Nae hj wns drjj tk bkvj tk nakthjr fkuatry, gut hj wns akt drjj tk stkp djj`lam whnt hj dj`t,rnthjr lt gj n djj`lam kd ‘L d`jw nwny“ kr ‘L hnvj mrjnt pktjatln`, thjy thlai“. Ld hj elea“t hnvj n sj`d, hj wkuèa“t djj` naythlam. Uhnt wns kgvlkus, uaajjeje tk gj snle. Uhj fkbjelna hne p`nyje bnayfhnrnftjrs whk hne elje, yjt strnamj`y hne ak lejn whnt ejnth wns `lij. Hj wnatje tk gj `jdt n`kaj,

gut hj elea“t n`wnys mjt whnt hj wnatje. Uhkumh, hj ele bnij pjkp`j fry. Hj ele bnij drljaes. Uhj fkbjelna wns ajvjr n dnfj la thj frkwe9 hj wns n`wnys thj rjnska thj frkwe hnemnthjrje. @lij n `lmht la thj wkrè. Vufh wns thj prlfj dkr bnilam thj wkrè n gjttjr p`nfj la n wkrè whjrj pjkp`j wnatje tk rjfkmalzj thj pjkp`j whk bnej thjlr `lvjs gjttjr. Nae thjsj pjkp`j wjrjthj kajs whksj `lvjs thj fkbjelna hne bnej wkaejrdu`, thj pjkp`j dkr whk hj hne wkrije sk hnre. Uhj fkbjelna strjtfhje kut hls nrbs nae kpjaje hls hnaes tkwnre thj stnrs nae ynwaje. Lt wnstlbj tk rjst. Drkb up hlmh, jvjrykaj fkuè sjj thj fkbjelna9 dkrtuantj`y, gj`kw thj gn`fkay ‖ akthlam. Hj fkuè rjst la pjnfj. Uhj fkbjelna thkumht kvjr jvjrythlam hj hne nffkbp`lshje nae`numhje tk hlbsj`d. Hls `ldj wns n okij. Nae thj pjkp`j `kvje hlb dkr lt.



Lafkbprjhjaslg`j

Ekwa nt thj wntjr, Okj nae Vnb mrjw up. Gnrjdkkt nae ykuam, thj twk ùrje la ykuam dlshjsnae tnìje ngkut ‘thj mnbj“. Gkth thjlr dnthjrs wjrj suppkrtjrs nae slafj thjy wjrj gkra, gkth kdthjb wjrj surrkuaeje gy twk thlams? wkri nae dkktgn``. Uhj gkys put thjlr fntfh la n gufijt nae

wnìje up drkb thj rlvjr gnfi tk thj gnra. Uhkumh akt rj`ntje gy g`kke, Okj nae Vnb wjrj grkthjrs.Gkth wjrj erndtje latk thj Anvy gut tk elddjrjat shlps. ]krè ]nr LL fnbj sueeja`y gutelea“t jae ns qulfi`y. Okj `kneje thj fnaakas nae Vnb, whjrjvjr hj wns, dlrje thjb nt lafkblam, Onpnajsj nlrfrndts. N p`naj jxp`keje nae thj wrjfinmj s`lfje Vnb nfrkss thj dnfj9 mrlttlam hls tjjth,hj pu``je n snl`kr kut drkb thj ejgrls nae dkumht kdd thj dlrj. Vueeja`y n fnaaka rna kut kdnbbualtlka nae Okj rnfje tk mjt nakthjr rkuae ns na jajby vjssj` dlrje n shkt latk thj slej kd thjfrulsjr. Uhj jxp`kslka g`jw Okj drkb hls djjt gut hj lbbjelntj`y rjfkvjrje nae pushje thj fnrtfnrrylam thj nbbualtlka tk whjrj lt ajjeje tk gj `kneje. Hj hurrlje gnfi ns qulfi`y ns hj fkuè.

Kaj eny, ndtjr thj wnr, Okj nae Vnb stkke gy thj kfjna nae mnvj jnfh kthjr n hum dkr thjdlrst tlbj la yjnrs. Ak kaj ka thj pkrt aktlfje thj hjrkjs.

Ekwa nt thj `kfn` ualvjrslty, Okj nae Vnb wjrj hlrje. Srkdjsslkan``y erjssje nae erlvja, thjtwk lbprjssje thj latjrvljwjrs whja thjy tnìje ngkut ‘thj mnbj“. Gkth kd thjlr dnthjrs wjrj

suppkrtjrs nae thj twk wjrj bnej fknfhjs kd thj Zalvjrslty“s prkmrnb. Kaj wns thj ejdjaslvjfkkrelantkr nae thj kthjr thj hjne fknfh. Uhj wjji`y wnrs thja stnrtje sueeja`y nae ajvjr sjjbjetk jae. Okj fn``je thj p`nys nae Vnb, hnvlam trnlaje hls p`nyjrs wj``, stkppje thj kppkajat“s kddjasjla lts trnfis. N qunrtjrgnfi nvkleje n snfi nae hur`je thj gn`` tk n rjfjlvjr9 mrlttlam hls tjjth, Vnbshkutje nt hls p`nyjr whk `jnpt nae latjrfjptje thj gn`` nae rjturaje lt dkr n tkufhekwa. Vueeja`ythj kppkslam tjnb puatje thj gn`` nae Okj“s rjfjlvjr rna gnfi tk thj tja ynre `laj, nae Okj rnfjethrkumh hls p`nygkki tk fn`` n p`ny whl`j bktlvntlka wns ka thjlr slej. Nt thj sanp, n p`nyjr rnfje latk snfi thj qunrtjrgnfi gut thj qunrtjrgnfi thrjw thj gn`` latk thj nrbs kd n rjfjlvjr pnst thj kajynre `laj.

Uhj frkwe wjat wlè.

Okj nae Vnb wjrj fknfhjs nae, thkumh akt rj`ntje gy g`kke, grkthjrs. Kaj eny, Okj nae Vnb

stkke gy thj dkktgn`` dljè nae mnvj jnfh kthjr n hnaeshnij. Uhj fhjjrlam elea“t sjjb `lij lt wkuèjvjr jae.

Uhj twk grkthjrs spjat ajnr`y dkurtjja hkurs n eny tkmjthjr. Uhjlr wjji fkaslstje kd wntfhlam dl`b, mklam kvjr p`nys, fkkrelantlam prnftlfjs, nttjaelam bjjtlams, nae `kam, fkbpjtltlvj wjjijaes. Uhjy snw jnfh kthjr bkrj thja thjy snw thjlr sj`vjs la n blrrkr. Uhjy hne mrkwa uptkmjthjr, trustje kaj nakthjr, nae wjrj wl``lam tk elj dkr kaj nakthjr.

\jnrs pnssje, nae whja Okj wns slxty-dlvj, hls hnaes wkra wlth gntt`js, hls dnfj du`` kd wlsj wrlai`js, hls jyj dkfusje ka vlftkry, oust ns Okj wns `jnvlam tk bjjt hls gj`kvje wldj dkr elaajr,skbjkaj wnìje latk hls kddlfj nae snle,

‐L snw Vnb mjttlam krn` sjx drkb n blakr la thj `kfijr rkkb.‒ ‐Mjt thj hj`` kut kd by kddlfj.‒

Okj dlalshje pnfilam hls gnm nae `jdt. Okj wns na kè bna. La thj wkrè hj fnbj drkb, ak kaj hjnre ngkut fhlè rnplsts9 thjy wjrjajvjr tj`jvlsje nae shkt ka jafkuatjr. Okj `lvje la n oust wkrè. Ld n bna wns dkuae bk`jstlamnakthjr bna ka n Anvy shlp, ak kaj snle naythlam ngkut lt, nae thj bna elsnppjnrje. Okj iajw‘fhlè rnplam“ wns wrkam, jvja thkumh hj rjn``y elea“t uaejrstnae lt, nae hj iajw Vnb fkuè ajvjrfkbblt sufh n frlbj. Uhj muy thnt f`nlbje Vnb rnpje n ile elea“t iakw Vnb `lij Okj. Okj hne spjathls `ldj wlth hls grkthjr9 hls grkthjr wns n mkke bna. Vtl``, Okj hne tk tj`` hls supjrlkrs. Iakwlamthls, hj elea“t s`jjp wj``. ]lej nwnij, hj wkaejrje whnt lt wkuè djj` `lij tk gjtrny hls dnbl`y.Ekwa nt thj wntjr, Okj nae Vnb mrjw up. Gnrjdkkt nae ykuam, thj twk ùrje la ykuam dlshjs nae



tnìje ngkut ‘thj mnbj“. Gkth wjrj erndtje latk thj Anvy gut tk elddjrjat shlps. Okj nae Vnb wjrjhjrkjs nae grkthjrs. Hjrkjs elea“t gjtrny hjrkjs. Gut ld Vnb wns mul`ty. Vnb ajjeje hj`p. Ld hj`kvje Vnb, hj wkuè mjt hlb thj hj`p hj ajjeje. Gut Okj wns la ak pksltlka tk `kfi Vnb nwnyhlbsj`d. Ns tnumht la thj Anvy, hj rjspjftje hlmhjr-ups.

Kutslej thj kddlfj kd thj Zalvjrslty “s Srjslejat, Okj snt ekwa. Hj elea“t sfhjeu`j na

nppklatbjat, nae hls `jms wkuèa“t hkè hlb up. Hj thkumht ngkut hkw ekwa nt thj wntjr, Okj naeVnb mrjw up. Nae thja thjrj wns n iakfi. Okj tkè thj Srjslejat jvjrythlam nae thj Srjslejat tkè Okj tk `jnvj.

Nt hkbj, Okj snt n`kaj, nae `kkije nt hls hnaes. Lt wns enri kutslej… ]jjis wjat gy9 akthlam hnppjaje. Okj dkrmkt ngkut thj laflejat. Hj iajw thj muy whk

fnbj latk hls kddlfj wns n `lnr9 hj iajw hj shkuèa“t hnvj snle naythlam ngkut lt. Hls grkthjr wns nmkke bna, nae Okj, gy rjpkrtlam tk thj Srjslejat, hne, la n wny, ekugtje hlb. Nshnbje, Okj dkfusjeka thj tjnb, stnaelam gy Vnb“s slej. Nae hj ele sk dkr yjnrs. Nae yjnrs `ntjr, whja Okj wns ajnr`ysjvjaty, skbjkaj tkè hlb,

‐Vnb wns mjttlam krn` sjx drkb n blakr la thj `kfijr rkkb.‒ Okj wns na kè bna. Hj iajw `ljs whja hj hjnre thjb, nae hj iajw wkres fkuè ejstrky n

pjrska, jvja whja thjy wjrj dn`sj.

‐Ijjp lt tk ykursj`d,‒ Okj snle. Vnb fkuèa“t gj mul`ty . Ld thls muy tkè thj nuthkrltljs thntVnb wns n sjx kddjaejr, thj bjeln wkuè swnrb la nae rula Vnb“s `ldj. ]hjthjr kr akt Vnb wnsmul`ty kd thj frlbj, lt wkuèa“t bnttjr? Vnb“s `ldj wkuè gj rulaje. Nae ld Vnb wns mul`ty, thj hlmhjr-ups wkuè hnvj n`rjney tnija fnrj kd thj bnttjr. Uhls wns oust n rubkr, stnrtje yjnrs nmk, thnt skbjykuam muas hne mu``lg`y dn``ja latk gj`ljvlam. Ld thjy nftun``y iajw Vnb, n hjrk, thjy“e iakw gjttjr. Okj rjbjbgjrje dlshlam wlth Vnb gy thj rlvjr, `lij thj ykuam muas ajvjr ele. Okj iajw Vnb gjttjrthna naykaj.

\jnrs `ntjr, thj Antlkan` Vpkrts Nsskflntlka pjan`lzje thj Zalvjrslty Okj `kvje, `kam gjdkrjthj oustlfj systjb mnvj lts ru`lam ka thj fhnrmjs grkumht up nmnlast Vnb, pualshlam fkuat`jsslaakfjat pjkp`j. Uhj Nsskflntlka bnej bl``lkas kdd thj tnxpnyjrs whk duaeje thj Zalvjrslty naerulaje thj frjejatln`s nae `lvjs kd thj Zalvjrslty stuejats, nae thja thj Nsskflntlka mnvj n qunrtjr

kd thj jnralams tk thj iles whk Vnb n``jmje`y rnpje. Uhj Nsskflntlka f`nlbje thnt lt nftje oust`y. Uhj ouemj elea“t sny naythlam.Eurlam Vnb“s trln`, wj``-pnle `nwyjrs ele thjlr okg,‐Fknfh O f`jnr`y tkè pjkp`j akt tk tj`` nuthkrltljs ngkut Vnb“s frlbjs. Hj wns bkrj

fkafjraje wlth wlaalam thja hj wns ngkut thj fhlèrja .‒ ‐Fknfh O ele akthlam bkrj thna shrum kdd thj lssuj tk hlmhjr-ups nt thj Zalvjrslty9 hj ajvjr

tkki thj tlbj tk sjj ld thj fnsj wns dk``kwje thrkumh. Hls Ejdjaslvj Fkkrelantkr wns tkk vnùng`j.‒ ‐Uhj dnfts spjni dkr thjbsj`vjs.‒ Uhj `nwyjrs hne dnbl`ljs tk djje. ]hja Okj tkki thj stnae, n `nwyjr nsije hlb,‐]jrj yku tkè thnt Vnb wns dkrflam blakrs tk hnvj krn` sjx;‒

Okj elea“t sny n wkre. ‐\js kr ak;‒

Okj wns na kè bna9 thj `nwyjr wns n ykuam bna whk iajw hkw thj wkrè wkrije. Uhj wkrè tkeny wns dl``je wlth pkwjr-huamry pjkp`j whk elea“t fnrj ngkut thj ekwatrkeeja. Uhjykuam bna wns thjrj tk hj`p thj hj`p`jss. Hj hne n dnbl`y tk djje. Nae Okj elea“t thlai thj `nwyjr wns nftlam wrkam`y9 `lij Okj whja lt fnbj tk Vnb, Okj, hj`p`jss`y, thkumht hj wns eklam thj rlmhtthlam.

Nae thnt“s hkw thj wkrè wkrije. ‐Ak durthjr qujstlkas, ykur Hkakr.‒



Uhj fkurt ejfleje thnt Okj wns bkrj fkafjraje wlth wlaalam dkktgn`` thna hj wns wlthpjkp`j ‖ thnt Okj iajw hls Ejdjaslvj Fkkrelantkr wns n sjx kddjaejr nae elea“t fnrj ‖ thnt Okjiajw thnt Vnb shkuè gj put la onl` nae elea“t ek naythlam ngkut lt. Uhj ajwspnpjrs rjpkrtje thjfnsj wlthkut glns. Okj wns tkè thnt Vnb wns rnplam iles, tkè thj hlmhjr-ups nt thj Zalvjrslty, gutele akthlam j`sj. Gkth vjtjrnas ejsjrvje tk gj jxjfutje. @lij ekms. Okj wns ejsplsje gy n antlka du``

kd pjkp`j whk, la Okj“s pksltlka, wkuè hnvj `kfije Vnb nwny. Okj wns na kè bna.Hj wns kèjr akw. Nt hkbj, Okj snt n`kaj, nae `kkije nt hls hnaes. Lt wns enri kutslej, almht nt thj kè rlvjr.

Ekwa nt thj wntjr, Okj nae Vnb mrjw up. Gnrjdkkt nae ykuam, thj twk ùrje la ykuam dlshjs naetnìje ngkut ‘thj mnbj“. Gkth wjrj erndtje latk thj Anvy gut tk elddjrjat shlps. Okj nae Vnb wjrjhjrkjs nae grkthjrs. Kaj eny, Okj nae Vnb stkke gy thj dkktgn`` dljè nae mnvj jnfh kthjr nhnaeshnij. Jvjrykaj stkke nae fhjjrje thj vlftkrs, thrl``je tk nfiakw`jemj pjkp`j whk hne ekajskbjthlam mrjnt. La sl`jafj, Okj dlalshje pnfilam hls gnm.

Nae Okj wjat nwny.

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Bkastjr

Eurlam n wjjieny, Bnrtla snt kut ka thj pkrfh, erlailam wntjr drkb kut kd thrjj elddjrjatfups nt thj snbj tlbj. Sjkp`j tkè Bnrtla thnt thjy thkumht hj wns n mkke muy, nae Bnrtla thkumhtngkut thnt ns hj `kkije kut kvjr n dnrb kthjrs wkrije, twlr`lam n tkkthplfi gjtwjja hls dlamjrs. Hls

`nptkp wns kpja9 hj wns wkrilam ka n pljfj fn``je ‐La-Fkbprjhjaslg`j‒. Bnrtla wns dlalshlam up n fk``jftlka kd stkrljs nae usje jvjrykaj drkb ejnd bkthjrs tkeylam `ltt`j mlr`s dkr lasplrntlka. Hj usje fhnrnftjrs wlth wj``-thkumht-kut nae uagj`ljvng`j vljws kdthj wkrè? kaj fhnrnftjr rntlkan`lzje hnamlam hlbsj`d la krejr tk drjj hls mlr`drljae drkb hnvlam tkfhkksj gjtwjja hlb nae nakthjr muy, whl`j nakthjr fhnrnftjr stnggje hjr prjmanat drljae thrkumhthj stkbnfh tk snvj hjr drkb thj pnla kd gjlam `kvje gy n prkeuft kd rnpj. Bnrtla fn``je hlsfk``jftlka Hjrk nae snt neelam lejns tk thj wkrè, akt mlvlam thj wkrè n fhklfj gut tk hnvj hls ajwlejns neeje uatk lt. Uhj wkrè wns nt hls sj`dlsh bjrfy, nae kafj hls lejns jatjrje pjkp`j“s blaes,thjy fkuè ajvjr jsfnpj thjb. Dkrjvjr dkrth, thnais tk Bnrtla, pjkp`j wkuè gj stufi thlailam kdsulflej nae stngglam n prjmanat drljae ns pksslg`j nfts kd `kvj nae hjrklsb9 dkrjvjr dkrth, pjkp`j wkuè gj stufi la n wkrè whjrj thjy blmht sjj thlams elddjrjat`y. Bnrtla snt nt hls `nptkp, fhnamlamthj wkrè. Akt gjfnusj hj wnatje tk, gut gjfnusj lt wns whnt hj ele.

Hj grjnthje.Bnrtla typje kut n `laj ‖ ‘pnrt kd skbj `nrmj, lafkbprjhjaslg`j thlam“ ‖ nae dlalshje n stkry

la whlfh thj bnla fhnrnftjr elje. Uhjrj wns n `kt kd ejnth la hls stkrljs9 Bnrtla wnatje pjkp`j tkrjn`lzj thjy hne gjfkbj gkrje wlth ejnth. Suttlam hls `nptkp tk s`jjp, Bnrtla wntfhje thj ejsitkp vnalsh latk enriajss nae fnumht n m`lbpsj kd hls rjd`jftlka. Hj wnatje jvjrykaj tk sjj whnt hj snw9thja, n ajw thkumht dkrfje upka thjb, pjkp`j wkuè rjn`lzj thnt jvjry bna, wkbna, nae fhlè wnsn bkastjr.

Nae hjrkjs wjrj fkblam dkr thjb.

Six Third-Person Introspections by O.G. Rose

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