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CoachingManual

Contents

SH’MAEMANU-ELVISIONSTATEMENT2THECOREVALUESOFSH’MAGROUPS2HOWSH’MAGROUPSFITINTOTEMPLEEMANU-EL3

PrepareforYourRoleasaCoachJOBDESCRIPTION4QUESTIONSFORGROUPGUIDES4C.O.A.C.H–FIVESTEPSTOSUCCESS5COMMONOBSTACLESTOSUCCESS6COMMONQUESTIONSABOUTCOACHINGFORSUCCESS7

PerformYourRoleasaCoachGOODCOACHINGQUESTIONSWHENGROUPSARECHALLENGED9THESH’MAGROUPCOACHASABRIDGEBUILDER11SAMPLECOMMUNICATIONANDFORMSFORCOACHES13

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Sh’maEmanu-ElVisionStatement

ImaginehundredsofTemplemembersgatheringregularlyinsmallgroupstolearnandlaugh,torestandrejuvenate,andtodeepenconnectionstooneanother,toTemple,totheJewishpeople,andtotherhythmsofJewishtimeandlife.Sh’maEmanu-ElwillhelpTemplerealizethisfutureofaconnected,committedmembershipthroughtheformationofsmallgroupswhichwill:

• Focusonthelivesandsignificantconcernsofourmembers.• Organizearoundsharedinterest,lifestagesandgeographies.• FeaturesharedJewishexperiences,learningandcelebration.• Beself-ledbylayleadersworkinginagroupdynamic.

TheCoreValuesofTempleEmanu-ElandofSh’maGroups

Sh’maGroupsintentionallyrelatetothecorevaluesofTempleEmanu-El:Learning,Prayer,Community,TikkunOlam,andPeoplehood.WebelieveitiscriticaltobalancethesevalueswithineverySh’maGroup.

1. TalmudTorah:LearningWeaffirmthepowerofJewishlearningtocreateanddeepenJewishidentityandcommitment.LearningbringsJewishvaluestoourdailylives,nurturesspiritualexperiences,anchorsandchallengesustoreachouttoaworldinneed.

2. T’fillah:PrayerWecelebratethepotentialofprayertohelpusreachouttoGod,rootourselvesincommunity,andaffirmthemostdeeplyheldvaluesofourpeopleandourfaith.

3. Kehilah:CommunityCommunitymeansasenseofwarmwelcome,meaningfulrelationships,andmutualresponsibility.Wecelebrateouridentityasamulti-generationalcommunity.Weenvisiontherelationshipbetweencongregants,rabbisandstaffasapartnershipbaseduponmutualrespect,sharedJewishcommitment,andongoingJewishgrowth.

4. TikkunOlam:WorldRepairWeemphasizetheethicalidealsofsocialjusticeatthecoreoftheJewishtradition.Wehaveacovenantalobligationtoengageintheongoingtaskofworldrepair.

5. AmYisrael:PeoplehoodWeexistinvitalrelationshiptotheJewishpeopleinIsraelandthroughouttheworld.WeacknowledgeourresponsibilityinpromotingpluralismintheJewishworld.

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How h’maGroupsFitintoTempleEmanu-El

TempleEmanu-ElisavibrantJewishcommunitythatstrivestobeaplaceofsacredencounter,wherelearning,prayeranddeedschangeourunderstandingofourselves,ourworld,andourresponsibilitiesinit.Forus,communitymeansasenseofwarmwelcome,meaningfulrelationships,andmutualresponsibility.WeseektobringJewishlearningandvaluestoourdailylives,tonurturespiritualpractices,andbuildanexcitingandrelevantJudaismthatelevatesoursoulsandchallengesustomakeanimpactonaworldinneed.

WeseeadirectconnectionbetweenthelargegatheringsofTemplelifeandtheintimategatheringsinSh’maGroups.Sh’maGroupsareaboutthelivedexperienceofbeingJewish.Shabbatworship,holidaycelebrations,lifelonglearningandsocialjusticewillenhanceanddeepentheSh’maGroupexperience.Likewise,thestrengthofyourSh’maGroupcanhelpleadtopersonaltransformationthatwillenlivenandenrichallofTemplelife.

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JobDescriptionofaSh’maGroupCoachObjective:Tohelpandequip2-3Sh’ma-GroupGuideswithinoursynagogue,buildrelationshipswiththoseGuidesandoffersupport,assistance,andguidanceasneeded.

Goals:1. MaintainregularpersonalcontactwitheachGuideinyourarea(i.e.phone,e-mail,note,lunch

meeting,andsoon).

2. Visityourassignedsmallgroupsatleastonetime(tobeagreeduponbyCoachandGuideafterconfirmingwiththeSh’maGroup.)

3. HelpSh’maEmanu-Elprovideinspirationalleadership,continualtraining,support,andaccountabilityforyourSh’maGroupGuides.

4. HelpwithtrainingsessionsforSh’maGroupGuidesthatwillhelpthemimproveasleadersandfacilitators.

5. IdentifyandmentorSh’maGroupGuidestobecomefutureCoaches.

6. AssistyourSh’maGroupGuidesinidentifyingandmentoringothermembersoftheirSh’maGrouptobeassistantgroupleadersortotakeonleadershiproleswithinthegroup(facilitator,host,organizer,etc).

7. AssistyourSh’maGroupGuideswithcurriculumquestionsasneededandhelpthemdevelopmeetingsandeventsfortheirgroups.

8. InitiatetheflowofimportantinformationorrequeststoSh’maGroupGuides.

9. Reportwhatyouarehearing,learning,andexperiencingtoSh’maEmanu-Elleadership.

QuestionsforGroupGuidesHerearesomesamplequestionsyou’llwanttoaskyourSh’maGroupGuidesperiodically:

1. Howareyoudoingpersonally?Howisyourfamily,work,andsoon?

2. Howisthegroupbonding?

3. HowareyoudoingwiththeABQmaterials?Successes?Struggles?

4. WhatisonethingaboutyourSh’maGroupsofarthisyearthathasreallyencouragedyou?

5. Havetherebeenany“challenginggroupmember”situations?

6. WhataspectsofSh’maGroupleadershiphavebeenchallenging?

7. Howareyoutakingstepstosharetheload(createownershipinthegroup)byaskinggroupmemberstobringnosh/refreshments,leadtheopeningprayerandbrit,hostthegroupintheirhome,andsoon?(Remindthemthatthistakesweightofftheshouldersoftheleaderandalsogivesothersachancetolead.)

8. Haveyouidentifiedsomeoneinyourgroupwhomightbeafutureco-leaderorleader-in-training?Ifso,howmightyoubringthemalong?

9. Doyouhaveanyscheduling,leadership,orotherchangesthatweshouldknowabout?

10.WhatcanI,asyourCoach,dotohelpyouasaGuide?

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C.O.A.C.H.–FiveStepstoSuccessC—CareCareaboutyourgroupGuides—theirfamilies,jobs,health,group,andtheirfuture.Itisoftensaid,"Peopledonotcarehowmuchyouknowuntiltheyknowhowmuchyoucare."EffectiveCoachescareabouttheGuidestheyoversee.LearntogiveyourGuidesappropriatecare.Itfillstheirtanksandenhancesyourrelationship.Tellthem.Showthem.Atimelyphonecall,acardwithwordsofencouragement,anappropriatehandshake,apatontheback,orahugwillgoalongwayinlettingtheimportantpeopleyoucoachtoknowthatyouarethereforthem.

O—ObserveVisityourGuides’groupsandobservetheirhealth.CoachescanmakeabigdifferencebysimplyvisitingtheSh’maGroupstheyareworkingwith.WhenaGuideknowsyouarecomingtovisit,theywillfeelencouraged,validated,andmotivated.Thegroupisenergizedaswell.ToooftengroupGuidesfeelliketheyareoutthereonthefrontlinesallalone.ThevisitofaCoachquicklychangesthatperception.ObservationhelpsensurequalitycontrolinthegroupstheCoachoversees.

A—AppreciateRecognizetheeffortsofyourSh’maGroupGuides.Therearetwowordseveryleaderyearnstohearfromtheircoach:"Goodjob."Verballyandpubliclyappreciatetheirprogress.

C—ChallengeHelpyourgroupleadersseeTemple’svisionforSh’maEmanu-Elandconnectinginsmallgroups,andhelpthemdesiretoleadtheirgroupstowardbalanceandhealth.TheSecondLawofThermodynamicsstatesthatalllivingthingsconstantlymovefromastateoforganizationandenergytoastateofdisorganizationandlethargy.Thisistrueofeverything,includingyourgroupGuides.OnewaytocombattheSecondLawofThermodynamicsistodescribethedream.RemindthemofthebigpictureandthegreatpurposeofSh’maEmanu-El.Letthemknowthatyoubelieveinthem.

ChallengingCoachessaythingslike:

Ø IbelieveyoucanbecomeagreatGuide.

Ø Ibelievethatyoucanencourageotherstolead.

Ø IbelieveyoucanbecomeagreatCoach.

H—HelpTeach,train,instruct,counsel,guide,aid,supplyresourcesandwhatyourgroupGuidesneed,whentheyneedit,inordertohelpthemsucceedandbecomeabetterGuideandCoachthanyou.Theproductofgoodcoaching,theproductofCaring,Observing,Appreciating,ChallengingandHelping,isthedevelopmentofleadersabletospearheadagrowing,healthygroup.Inotherwords,thegoalistodevelopeffectiveGuideswhowillalsodevelopeffectivegroupleadersandfutureGuides.Simplyput,thegoalisnottomerelybuildagroup—itistobuildotherSh’maGroupleaders.

Takeadvantageofalltheresourcesavailabletohelpyourleaders.Someoftheseresourcesincludeonthejobtraining,one-on-onementoring,trainingsofferedbyTemple,andseminars.Asyoudoso,bewise.Alwaysremember"theadvisorysandwich”:foreveryonenegativeyousharewiththem,putafewpositivesinbetween.

Discuss:1. Whichofthetipsaboveareyoumostexcitedabout?2. Whichofthetipsaboveareyoumostnervousabout?Why?

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CommonObstaclestoSuccess

EverySh’maGroupGuideneedsaCoach.Wemaycallthispersonamentor,atrainerorsomethingelse,butthefunctionandthenecessityarethesame.Coachesshouldinstruct,equipandencouragegroupGuides.

Therewillbeplentyofobstacles.HereareseveralcommonobstaclesforSh’ma-GroupCoachesandideasonhowtoovercomethem.

ALackofGuidesACoachmustunderstandthatpotentialSh’maGroupGuidesandSh’maGroupparticipantswillrarelyself-selectandvolunteertoleadasmallgroup.Forthatreason,partoftheCoach’sjobistoidentifyandencourageindividualswhomightbegoodGuides.Justlikeinathletics,Sh’maGroupCoachesareresponsibleforbothon-fieldcoachingandrecruiting.

OneofthemainreasonspotentialgroupGuidesdon’tvolunteeristhattheyaren’tfamiliarwithwhatisinvolvedandtheyaren’tawarethattrainingandmentoringisavailable.Therefore,themosthelpfulguidelineforCoachesinthisregardistomeetwithpotentialleadersandexplainthebenefitsofSh’maGroupleadershipandoftheCoachingprocess.

TellingInsteadofShowingWritersarefamiliarwiththisbasicinstruction:Show,don’ttell.Theideaistohelpthereaderexperiencetheemotionofascenethroughpowerfulimageryanddialogue,ratherthanspoon-feedingdescriptionsaboutwhatisgoingon.Ineducation,too,teachersunderstandmoreandmorethatpeoplealmostalwayslearnbetterbydemonstrationthanbylecture.

Andyet,toooftenCoachesimaginetheycantrainaGuidethroughone-on-oneinstruction—orworse,bylecturingtoagroupofGuides—wheninfactthebestwaytolearnhowtobeaneffectiveSh’maGroupGuideistoparticipateinarealandactivegroup.Theoryisfine,butthetrueformationoftheGuidetakesplaceswhenheorsheisabletoexperienceaSh’maGroup.

Forthatreason,Sh’maEmanu-EltrainsnewGuidesbygatheringandconductingtrainingsinagroupsetting.

MisunderstandingModelingCoacheswillhavedifficultyiftheyviewtheirfunctionasconveyinginformation,ratherthanmodelingwhatitmeanstobeaGuide.Itisalwaysmoretemptingtoteachthantoexhibit,butgroupGuideswilllearnmorebywatchinghowyouguideandinspireothersthanbylisteningtolecturesonhowtodogroups.

Thisisanotherreasonwhyweteachingroupsettings.Inatrainingscenario,theCoachcanserveasthegroupGuide,modelingwhattodo(andwhatnottodo).Role-playingisapowerfultool.SometimeswewillaskpotentialorcurrentGuidestoplayoutdifferentsituationsthatmightariseinthegroups.

ConfusingStyleandSubstanceItisagiventhateverySh’maGroupGuidewillhavedifferentapproachestoguidingtheirgroups—differentfromeachother,butalsodifferentfromwhattheirCoachesmightthinkisbest.But“different”isnotalwaysbad,andinmanycasesisverygood.

ACoachmustneverimaginethathisorherwayisthewayofdoingthings.CoachesmustbeopentotheirGuidesdevelopingtheirownstyles,givingthemtimeandspacetogrow.Ofcourse,itisstilltheCoach’sjobtomakesuretheGuidedoesnotwanderoff-courseinthatgrowingprocess,soCoachesmustalsodevelopakeeneyefordiscerningwhetheragroupleaderismakingbaddecisions,orisjustdoingsomething“different.”

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Whenyoufindyourselfinsuchasituation,askthefollowingquestionstogainsomeextraclarity:

Ø Whatisthegeneralclimateofthegroup?Isitbalancedandconstructive?

Ø Aremembersattendingandgrowingpersonallythroughtheirexperience?

Ø IstheGuideopentocoachingandwillingtoconsiderothers’ideas?

GroupCorrectionsWhenSh’maGroupGuidesbeginmakingchoicesthatnegativelyimpactthehealthoftheirgroup,Coachesmaybehesitanttodoanythingaboutit.Fewpeopleenjoyinterpersonalconflict.Itisusuallyuncomfortabletotrycorrectingothers.

WhenagroupGuidegoesoffcourse,hisorherCoachmustovercomeanypersonalhesitationandspeakdirectlytotheGuideinquestion.Duringthismeeting,theCoachcanalsoasktheGuideifshewouldliketomakethisamatterfordiscussionwiththerestoftheSh’maGroup.Intheeventthatthisdoesnotresolvetheproblem,theCoachneedstohavearesourcepersoninplace–beitanotherSh’maEmanu-ElCoach,DianaEinstein,orRabbiKnight–whoiswillingtositdownwiththeCoachandtheSh’maGroupGuidetoaddresstheproblem.

ItisveryrarethataGuidewillneedtoberelievedofhisorherresponsibilitieswithinaSh’maGroup,butsuchsituationswilloccur.Thisshouldonlybedoneface-to-faceand,insomecases,withtheassistanceofSh’maEmanu-Elleadership,astaffmemberoraRabbi.

Discuss:1. Whichofthesituationsdescribedabovedoyoufeelmostpreparedtohandle?Why?2. Whichdoyoufeelleastpreparedtohandle?Why?3. WhatotherobstaclesareyouworriedaboutasyouconsiderbecomingaSh’maGroupCoach?Who

canyoutalkwithtofindsolutions?Formoreaboutthis,lookat“SteppinginandCorrectingProblems”below.

CommonQuestionsAboutCoachingforSuccess

WhatarethekeypiecesofasmallgroupCoach’sjobdescription?Firstandforemostistobealistener.Sh’maEmanu-ElleadershipwillhelptrainGuides,providecurriculum,andkeeptheGuidesupdatedonthingsatTemplethroughemail.AsaCoach,themostimportantthingistomakethatpersonalconnectionandlistentotheleaders.

Afterlistening,encourage.TheGuidesareoutthereontheirown,inmanywaysleadinggroupconversationsforthefirsttime.Theyneedencouragement,sowheneveryoucan,giveittothem.Helpthemfindthegoodthat’sgoingonintheirSh’maGroupandcelebratethat.

Lastly,beacommunicator.CoachesneedtoconsistentlystayintouchwiththeirGuides,althoughcommunicationshouldbeatthelevelyourGuidesneed.Somepeopleareokaywithregularemailandanoccasionalphonecall.Othersyou’llcheckinwithwhenyouseethematTemple.StillothersmightneedaStarbucksmeetingeachmonth.DowhatworksforeachGuide.

Helpyourguidestocompletetheperiodicselfevaluationoftheirgroup.Thiscanbechallengingforthem.Aspainfulasitmightbe,thehonestfeedbackandsuggestionsthatthattheyreceivewillhelptomaketheirgrouphealthierforthelong-term.

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WhatarethreekeyskillsthataCoachneedstodevelop?First,youmustwanttohelppeople.Yourmainjobisbeinganadvisor,amentor,andcaringaboutyourGuides.Rememberthebigpicture.ForeveryGuide’slifethatyoutouch,youarealsoimpactingthe8-12peopleintheirgroup.Makethatcontactcount!

Second,aCoachneedstobeabletospeakthetruthinapositiveway.You’rekindofafriend.You’rekindofateacher.

However,asaCoach,you’realsotheaccountabilityperson.YouneedtobeabletogotoyourGuidesintruthwhensomethingneedstobefixedandthenholdthatpersonaccountable.

Talkalittlemoreaboutthatpartnershiprole.HowdoCoacheswalkthefinelinebetweenteammateandCoach?IndealingwithgroupGuides,youhavetotreatthatcoachingrelationshipmoreasapartnershipbecauseyou’vewalkedintheirshoesandknowwhatthey’regoingthrough.TheCoachstepsupintothementorroleandbecomesthepersonwhoisgivingbacktotheleaderthroughencouragementandsupport.TheCoachhelpstheleaderstaybalanced.

It’salsookaytosayastheCoach,“Idon’tknowtheanswertothatproblem/situation/question.Letmetalktosomeonewhocanhelpyouwiththis.”TheCoachthenbecomestheresourcepersonwhocanputtherightinformationintheleaders’hands.

HowdoyougetyourCoachingrelationshipsofftoagoodstart?Askmorequestionsthanyouanswerandlistenmorethanyoutalk.YoucouldbethefirstpersonthatthisGuidehasbeenabletotalktoabouthisorherjoysandfrustrations.AlwaysbepositiveandencouragetheGuidestorememberthatnooneiseverperfect;weareallgrowing.Offertoattendagroupmeeting.

Also,beconsistentwithongoingcontact.Acoupleoftimesayear,youshouldmeetwithallofyourGuidesinoneplace.However,mostimportantistheone-on-onetimewithyourindividualGuides.Youshouldn’tgomorethanamonthortwowithouttouchingbase,dependingonyourleaders’personalneeds.

WhathassurprisedyoumostinyourworkasasmallgroupCoach?Guidestakeveryseriouslythejobthatthey’redoing.ManyCoacheshavebeenpleasantlysurprisedtodiscoverthattheirGuidesarelookingforhelp.They’reusuallyopentosuggestions.Youjustgetthesensethatthey’recryingout,“Iwanttomakethiswork!”

Yetthatbringsupaninterestingpoint.AsaCoach,whatdoyoudowithleaderswhodon’twanttobecoached?Whenyouarefacedwithachallengingsituation,meetingresistancefromaGuide,orlookingfordifferentmethodsofdeliveringamessage,don’thesitatetotalktootherCoaches,Sh’maEmanu-Elleadership,DianaEinsteinorRabbiKnight.Atthesametime,theCoach’srelationshipwithanindividualGuideiswhatwillgivetheCoachcredibility.Ifyou’vetakenthetimetodeveloptherelationship,youshouldbeabletoworkthroughthedifficulties.

Speakingofdifficulties,whatmightbesomeobstaclesthatanewCoachwillface?First,don’tgetfrustratedwhenit’shardtoconnectwithpeople.Acceptit.Useyourcreativejuicestofigureoutawaytoestablishandmaintaincontactwithyourleaders.Noteveryonelovesemail.Butthereareemailpeopleouttherewhowillonlybeaccessiblethatway.ItisthesamethingfortextmessagingorFacebook-usetechnologyinawaythatworkstomeetyourGuide’sneeds.Somefolkswillneedthegood,old-fashionedpersonalphonecallormeeting.Justbeavailableandbeflexible.

Second,knowthatit’sokaytofail.Youhavetogetoverthefactthatyoudon’tknowitallandyouhaven’tseenitall.Thequestionyouwanttobeaskingyourleadersis,“HowcanIhelpyou?”Ifyoufeellikeyou’re

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notqualifiedtohandleasituationorneedadvice,therearegoingtobeleadersofSh’maEmanu-ElandstaffatTemplewhocanhelpyouwiththat.Seekthathelpifyoustartfeelingill-equipped.

Third,onceyou’reintoit,youneverknowwhat’sgoingtoshowupatyourdoor.Expecttheunexpected!Butifyou’relisteningandcompassionate,thosearethekeyCoachingskills.Youcandoit!

WhataresomeofthejoysofbeingaSh’maGroupCoach?Hearingthestoriesfromgroupleaderswhentheysay,“Thisamazingthinghappenedinourgrouplastnight….”ThosearethekindofconversationsthatmakeyouleaveCoachingmeetingswithabigsmileonyourface.Somuchofwhatgoesoninsmallgrouplife,youjustdon’tseeorknowaboutasaCoach—likethewholegrouptakingmealstoanewmomormakingweeklyvisitstoamemberwithcancer.AsaCoach,itispowerfulwhenyoustartseeingthekindofJewishlivingyouwanttoseedevelopingingroups.

GoodCoachingQuestionsWhenGroupsareChallengedQuestionsarepowerful.Whenagroupishavingaproblem,weoftenwanttoaskalotofquestions.Questionsareembeddedthroughoutthefabricofourtradition.Butnotallquestionsarethesame.Andsomequestionscreateproblems.Forexample:

Ø Questionsthatstartwith“shouldyou,”“couldyou,”“willyou,”“canyou,”“areyou,”andsoontendtoputpeopleinadefensiveposture.Basically,ifyouaskaquestionwherethesecondwordis“you,”youmayfindtheGuideonthedefensive.

Ø Questionsthatbeginwith“why”alsotendtoputpeopleonthedefensive.Forinstance,whichofthesequestionswouldleaveyoumoreopentochange:“Whydidyousaythat?”or“Whatwasyourthoughtprocessthatledyoutosaythat?”

GoodquestionstoaskGuidesinadifficultsituationare:

1. Askthemtosharewhattheywantforthemselvesinregardtotheresolutionofthisgivenproblem,action,mistake,oraccusation.

2. Ask,“Whatemotionwereyoufeelingwhenthesituationoccurred?”Thishelpsthemsortthroughtheemotionsbehindtheiractions.

3. Ask,“Whatareyoupresentlydoingtoresolvethisproblem?”

4. Askwhattheyaregoingtodothenexttimeanissuelikethisarises.(Theywillmostlikelyknowthecorrectresponse,butgivethemsomepossibilities,ifnecessary.)

Practice,Practice,Practice

Toavoidthepatternofjusttellingsomeonewhattheyshoulddo,it’simportanttotrainGuideshowtolistenwellandaskfollow-upquestionsbasedonspecificsituations.Oneofthebestwaystodothisisthroughroleplay.Forexample,assumethefollowingsituationshavehappenedintheSh’maGroupyouarecoaching:

Ø Situation1:Anindividualinyourgrouphassharedthattheyaregoingthroughatoughfinancialtimerightnow.Whatfollow-upquestionsmightyouaskthem?

Ø Situation2:Youknowsomeonewhoisreallydiscouragedbytheircurrentfamilysituation(eitherparentingordealingwithotherfamilymembers).

Ø Situation3:Someoneinyourgroupsharestheyarehavingareallytoughtimeatworkandmaybefired.Whatfollow-upquestionsmightyouaskthem?

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Ø Situation4:Youknowsomeonewhohasmajorissueswithpastfailures,andyouknowtheystillstrugglewithit.Listenbeforeformulatingfollow-upquestions.Usetheideasmentionedabovetohelpformulatethewording

Whenpracticinghavingtheseconversations,focusonallofthesequestions.Solistenwell,knowwhatquestionstoask,howtoaskthem,andpracticeaskingthem.

Whenpracticinghavingtheseconversations,focusonlisteningbeforeformulatingyourfollow-upquestions.Usetheideasmentionedabovetohelpformulatethewordingofquestions.Remember,howwehandlecoachingquestionsandconversationswillhaveabigimpactonthedevelopmentofSh’maGroupGuides.Discuss:1. Whenwasthelasttimeyousharedsomethingpersonalwithsomeone?Howdiditfeeliftheygaveyouadvice?Howdidyourespond?

2. WhatotherwayscanCoachespracticethesekindsofquestions?SteppinginandCorrectingProblems

Noneofuslikescorrection.CoachingaSh’maGroupGuidedoesrequirethatcorrectiveactionbetakenincertainsituations.ThekeyisknowinghowtogivecorrectivesuggestionsthatremedytheproblemandhelptheGuide.

Whattodo?

CallandsetupanappointmentatatimethatisconvenientfortheGuide.Askthemforaface-to-facemeeting.Nevercorrectinfrontofagrouporwithinhearingdistanceofgroupmembers.Initially,meetwiththepersoninquestionbyyourself,unlessyoufeelthepersonispronetomisuse,misunderstand,ordistortwhatyousayandhowyousaidit—inthatcase,haveanotherCoachoramemberoftheSh’maEmanu-Elleadershipteamorstafftomeetwithyouonthisfirstvisit.If,overaperiodoftime(usuallyamonth),theissuehasnotresolved,rescheduleanotherappointment.Thistime,includeanotherSh’maEmanu-Elleadershipteammemberorastaffmember.Suchdrasticactionshouldonlyhappenwithissuesofmajorconsequence.

Thesemeetingsshouldincludethefollowing:

Ø EmphasizetheSh’maEmanu-Elbritanduseitintheconversationthatyouhave.

Ø SitdirectlyinfrontofortothesideofthegroupGuide.

Ø Affirmtheircontribution.Bekind,considerate,andtothepoint.Statetheissueassoonaspossibleinthemeeting.Allowtimeforfeedbacktoassesshowtheyperceivetheproblem.Theymayhaveinformationyoudon’t.

Ø Steerthemawayfromperipheralissuesunlesstheydirectlyimpacttheproblemunderdiscussion.

Ø Emotionsmaysurfacethroughoutthediscussion,butshiftsomeofthatbysharinghowyoufeel.

ThereareavarietyofbehaviorsthatcouldresultinsuspensionofCoachingandGuidedutiesasdeterminedbyTempleEmanu-Elleadership.Ifanybehaviorcausesyouconcern,pleasecommunicatewithSh’maEmanu-ElleadershipandTemplestaff.

Use“Ifeel”StatementsInsteadof“You”AccusationsWheneveryoutalktoagroupGuideinacorrectivesetting,consciouslytrytouse“Ifeel”statements—thingslike,“Ifeeldisappointedthatyou’vechosentoignoreourCurriculuminthisregard,”or,“Ifeelangrybecause

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youviolatedconfidentiality.”Suchdeclarationshelpconnectthepersonwithyourfeelingsandallowforreflection.

Whenyouuse“You”accusations,however,itputsthepersononthedefensiveandalmostalwayscausesthemtorebelatanycorrection.Forexample,comparethestatementsabovewiththefollowing:“Youchosetoignoreourpolicies.”“Youmakemeangrybecauseyouviolatedconfidentialityinyourgroup.”Seethedifference?

Ifyou’renotfamiliarwithusing“Ifeel”statementsinconversation,youmaywanttopracticewithfellowSh’maCoachesbeforemeetingwiththegroupGuideinquestion—especiallyifyoustrugglewithsharingemotionalfeelingsaboutthings.Havingempathyisimportanttounderstandingwhyapersondidwhattheydid.

Use“CouldItBe”QuestionstoWorkonApplicationQuestionsaskedfroma“coulditbe”perspectiveoffergroupGuidesawaytostatetheirmistakeinawaythatislessdogmaticandinvolveslessofablowtotheGuide’sself-esteem.Forinstance,insteadofsaying,“Youmessedupwhenyouspreadinformationthatwastoldtoyouinconfidence,”saysomethinglike:“Coulditbethattheinformationtoldtoyouwasbestkeptconfidential?”

Thefirstquestioncreateswallsofdefiance.Thesecondoffersapossibilityforactionwithoutcondemningtheleader.“Coulditbe”questionscanalsobeusedwhendevelopingsolutions.Forexample,“Coulditbethatcheckingwithmefirstisthebestdecisionwhenyouhavequestionsaboutconfidentiality?”

WhencorrectingaSh’maGroupGuide,alsotakeintoaccountthefollowing:

Ø TreateverygroupGuidelikeyouwouldwanttobetreated.

Ø Tametheangerwithinyou.Neveraddressaleader’sfailureswhenyou’remad.

Ø Tackleconflictswhenyou’rerested.Youwillbeemotionallyexhaustedafteraddressingtheissue,somakesureyourbodyisreadytotakeonthestress.

Ø Treadsoftly.MoredamageresultsfrommishandlingaGuidewhoislovedbygroupmembersthananyoneminoroffenseforwhichtheleaderisguilty.

Sh’maCoachesasBridgeBuilders

IfyouserveasacoachforSh’maGroupGuide,youhaveadualrole.Yourmainpurposeistodevelop,equip,andencouragetheGuidesinyourcare.Buttodothatjobwell,youfrequentlyfunctionasabridgebetweenthoseleadersandtheleadersofTemple.

CoachesareoftentherelationalintermediariesbetweentheGuideandTempleEmanu-El-whichinsomecontextsmayrefertotheSh’maEmanu-Elleadershipor,inothercontexts,Temple’sclergy.AsaCoach,youassisttheGuidestounderstand,value,andlistentoeachotherwhilehelpingtointegratethevisionofTemplewithintheindividualgroups.ThefollowingaresomekeywaysthatCoachesbuildbridgestoserveboththegroupleaderandTemple.

CoachesFacilitateVisionAlignmentTemplehasavisionandexpectationsforitsSh’maGroupsandforhowtheyfitwithinthecontextofthegreatercongregation(seeabove,TempleCoreValuesandhowSh’maEmanu-ElGroupsfitintoTemple).AsignificantpartofaCoach’sfunctionistosharethisvisionandequipleaderstowardTemple’sgoalsforSh’maEmanu-Elgroups.AsaCoach,whetheryouareworkingwithneworexistingleaders,youneedtobefamiliar

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withTemple’svision,understanditsvalue,andbeinvestedinbringingittofruition.CoachesneedtosharethebroadervisionwhilealsoencouraginggroupGuidestobecreativeabouttailoringthatvisiontofittheirspecificgroups.

CoachesProvidePracticalResourcesSomeofthemostfrequentquestionsthatGuidesaskCoachespertaintothecurriculum.That’sbecauseadiscussionaboutcurriculumgivesyouavaluableopportunitytohearwhatishappeninginagroupwhileencouragingtheGuide,influencingthegroup’sspiritualdirection(ShabbatandHolidaypractices)andprovidingcoursecorrectionsasneeded.So,insteadofjustpointinggroupGuidestoawebsiteorgivingthemalistofSh’maEmanu-Elstudies,consideraskingprobingquestionsabouthowtheyareexperiencingtheABQmaterials,nextsteps,spiritualmaturity,andgroupdynamics.Thenyoucanbrainstormwiththeleaderandtailorrecommendationsthatwouldworkwellintheirspecificsituation.

CoachesarealsoinstrumentalinremovinginstitutionalbarriersforSh’maGroupGuides.GroupGuidesarealmostalwaysthankfultohavesomeoneonthe“inside”helpingthemwithanydetails.Atthesametime,Temple’sstaffappreciateshavingCoachesthatcanstreamlineandaddressquestionsastheyarise.

CoachesCommunicateandTroubleshootIssuesthatAriseForsomegroupGuides,theirlevelofrelationshipwiththeirCoachdetermineshowconnectedandinvestedtheyaretoTemple.

SincemostofSh’maEmanu-Elhappensoff-site,itisimportantthatGuideshaveregularandconsistentcommunicationfromtheirCoaches.ThisisasimpleandeffectivewaytovaluetheirpartnershipinmakingSh’maEmanu-ElandthevisionofTempleEmanu-Elwork.MakesureyoukeepGuidesinformedabouttheimportanthappeningsatTemple.

WhenanissuearisesthatisbeyondthecapacityofthegroupGuidetomanage,itistheCoach’sroletostepinandhelp.SchedulingagroupvisitcanhelpCoachesseefirst-handthegroupdynamicsthattheGuideisfacing,andisalsoanopportunitytohelppreemptpossibleissues.IfgroupGuideshaveissueswithothersinthegroup,Coachescanstepintomodelhumility,avoidgossip,andguidethemthroughahealthyconflictresolutionprocess.

CoachesSpeakonBehalfofTheirGuidesAsaCoach,youareonthefrontlineofhearingwhatishappeningintheSh’maGroups,whichisanimportantsliceofcongregationallife.Sh’maEmanu-El’sleaderswillwanttohearfeedbackaboutwhatishappeningintheSh’maGroups.SoshareyourGuides’storieswheneveryoucan—storiesoftriumph,need,spiritualmovement,lifetransformation,challenges,concerns,andsoon.RememberthatyouareavoicefortheGuidesyouworkwith.

Atthesametimethough,CoachesneedtoprotecttheirGuidesfrombeingover-askedand“volunteered”foreveryneedthatarisesatTemple(e.g.,foodforshelters,ushers,movefurniture,givearide).Therearesomanygoodcauses,andtheremaybeatemptationforTempletouseitsSh’maGroupsandCoachesasadeliverysystemforallsortsofneedsandannouncements.WewillworktomakesurethatwhenyouareaskedtocommunicatesomethingtoGuidesthatitfitswithinthevisionandpurposeofSh’maGroupsatTemple.YoudonotwanttodiluteyourinfluenceasaCoachbybecomingaclearinghouseforeveryrandomneed.Souseyourdiscretionwiselyandmakesurethatwhatever“asks”youmaketogroupGuideslinesupcloselywiththevisionandpurposeofSh’maEmanu-El.

CoachesexistasrelationalandfunctionalbridgesbetweenTempleandtheSh’maGroupGuides.WhenCoachesservetheirGuidesinpractical,relational,andorganizationalways,theywillfacilitateunityandpurposebetweentheGuidesandtheTemple,therebyhelpingbothmoveforwardtogether.

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Addendum:SampleCommunicationandChecklistsforCoaches

ACoachingCheck-UpHereareseveralquestionsthatCoachesneedtoaskthemselvesatleastonceevery30days:

1. HowwellhaveIlistenedtotheGuides?

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2. HaveIdoneagoodjobofcelebratingvictorieswithmyleaders?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3. How(specifically)haveIdemonstratedpersonalcareandconcern?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

4. DoIhaveanideaoraplanforwhereeachofmyGuidesneedstogoandgrow?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

5. HaveIhelpedmyGuidesdevelopmeasurable,achievablegoalsforgroups?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

6. AmIlivinguptothecovenantIagreedtowithmyGuides?Brit?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

7. Whatmakesmygroupleaderstick?Whatdotheyneedfromme?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

8. ArethegroupsI'moverseeingdevelopingdeepenedrelationships?__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

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CoachingAppointmentChecklistLeader/Group:_________________________ Date:___________MeetingPlace:_________________________ Time:___________Usethesequestionstoprepareforyourcoachingappointment:

1. HaveIreviewedmynotes(mentaland/orwritten)fromourlastmeeting?

2. WhatpersonalneedsamIawareof?

3. WhatgroupissuesdoIneedtoinquireabout?

4. WhatcorevalueatTemplewillIfocusonwiththisGuideduringourtimetogether?WhatisthemosteffectivewayIcanpassonthisconceptortraining?

5. How,practicallyspeaking,canIencouragethisleader?

6. WhatinformationdoIneedtoconveyaboutTemple’svisionorupcomingevents?Notes:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Assignment(s)fortheleader:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SpecificthingsIneedtodoasCoachasaresultofthismeeting:_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NextMeeting

Date:___________ Time___________ Place:_________________________