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The First 30 Seconds

Approaching a stranger is nerve-wracking, but the benefits can be worth the short-termanxiety.

* Relive a confident moment. If you're feeling down on yourself, others will sense it.Pretending you like yourself doesn't fool people either. Instead, "remember the last time

you were shining inside and out, and your body will be responsive," says therapist Erika

Hilliard.

*Eye contact shows respect. To make a good first impression, maintain a relaxed

posture and warm, engaging eye contact. By meeting someone's eyes, you're showing thatyour mind is not someplace else. To soften your gaze, move your eyes lightly around the

person's face, says relationship coach Susan Rabin.

* Say anything. To break the ice, comment on some detail about the environment around

you, says psychologist Bernardo Carducci. Your purpose is simply to signal yourwillingness to talk. "People think they have to be witty or urbanewhat they really have to

be is nice."

* Give extra information. To get a conversation humming, add details, such as "I live on

Spring Street near that fantastic bakery." "This gives others more topics to run with, so theconversation doesn't drop like a lead balloon," says Hilliard. "It does not have to be deep

and intimate to be a meaningful connection."

*Don't just walk away. If the conversation stops for a moment, do you panic and rushoff? Once you're sure it's time to conclude, summarize some points of connection, and

express gratitude. That way, Carducci says, you'll be more confident about making plansfor future contact. Jamie Sussel Turner, a New Jersey principal, met her future husband inan elevator when she turned to him and said, "So, are you here for the conference?"

Public Speaking: Not Worse Than Death

Start by giving toasts. Then captivate your book club. Soon, you'll be running for mayor.

*Anticipate your stage fright. The amount of nervousness you will feel is determined by

the importance of an event's consequences and your level of confidence that you'll succeed,

according to psychologist Mark Leary. By evaluating these two factors, you'll know how

much to prepare and you'll be less surprised by your body's physiological arousal on the bigday.

* Do a dress rehearsal. "Reviewing your notes isn't actually practicing," says CaliforniaState University psychologist Peter Desberg. If the venue will be dark, have someone shine

a light in your eyes while you speak. Wear the clothes you'll be wearing and learn to enjoy

the adrenaline rush.

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* Go for laughs. As you deliver important information, take breaks to entertain the

audience with an anecdote or self-effacing joke. Desberg has noticed that the more humor

he employs in class, the higher the ratings he receives on his end-of-semester evaluations.* You're the one they need. If you notice the crowd waiting for you (even if it's only

three people) and you get panicky, focus on how much they need to hear what you have to

say. While you speak, if your pounding heart distracts you, practice grounding techniqueslike feeling your feet against the floor.

* Think big. Audiences know when you've chosen to play it safe. Instead, commityourself to exciting, provocative ideas, making sure your listeners know what essential role

they have to play. But don't go rampaging off onto another topic. You can only start one

revolution at a time.

From Icy to Spicy: Embracing Your Inner Flirt

You don't have to be scared of people you're attracted to.

* Create a carefree alter ego. Step outside your buttoned-down identity, so "you can

say things you wouldn't ordinarily say and be more flirtatious," says Robert, who was asought-after bachelor. "If you feel more playful, then you don't really care if they reject you

or not." Pop star Beyonce, for instance, calls her sexy onstage persona "Sasha."

*Be agreeable. "Show others where you have similar attitudes," say Ann Demarais and

Valerie White in First Impressions. "Everyone prefers to hear 'you're right' rather than

'you're wrong.' " Doing this not only affirms their intelligence and values, but also shows

that you find them likable, which makes people feel good.

* Channel your infant appeal. When you were a baby, before you could ask or persuade,you would employ coy smiles and peekaboo eyes to attract loving attention. With onlythese charms, even strangers adored you. As adults, we shouldn't stifle our natural

flirtatiousness, says Susan Rabin, author of How to Attract Anyone, Anytime, Anyplace.

*Being friendly isn't teasing. Flirting just means letting other people know that you find

them compelling. "When you show this attention, it doesn't have to mean that you intend to

go any further," say Demarais and White. "It can be a way of creating a momentary worldof 'you and me.' "

* "No" doesn't mean never. When you show interest, you'll sometimes get rejected.

Quickly review to see if you committed a faux pas, but then go ahead and use defenses toavoid taking it personally, like blaming the other person's bad taste or assuming they must

have had a bad day. "I want you to be spared pain and to make sure you continue flirting,"

explains Rabin. Now try your luck with someone else.

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Get More Respect at Work

To be more visible and persuasive, show others how your goals benefit everyone.

* What are you avoiding? Let's say that you need to confront someone at the office and

assert your own best interests, but the prospect fills you with anxiety. To counter this,consider the costs of waiting, and compare those to the benefits of doing it, says Peter

Desberg in Speaking Scared, Sounding Good.

*A shortcut to stop procrastinating. After you've made a decision to stand up for

yourself or your ideas, misgivings might paralyze you. If this happens, note why you've

stopped. After you realize that you're writing down the same silly excuse over and over,

you'll shame yourself into taking action, says Desberg.

* Shrink your boss. If you feel intimidated in somebody's presence, try this suggestionfrom Erika Hilliard: Imagine your body growing until your head skims the ceiling. Now

your boss looks like a 5-year-old child who wants a hug. See yourself smiling warmly, and

the interaction is more likely to go well.

*Network without seeming desperate. Focus on "how you can help the people you meet,

rather than on what they can do for you," says psychologist Bernardo Carducci. Bybringing people together, "you will become powerful and vital, like Don Corleone."

* Set goals under your control. Before an important event, such as a job interview, listthe anxiety-provoking factors. Then select the issues that you actually control, such as how

you describe your accomplishments. Now tackle each issue, with methods such as a mock

presentation, until your fears dissipate.