7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 1/8

Shakespeare’s Kate and William

By

Patrick Cassels

Adapted by:Kieran Verret

All rights belong to PatrickCassels and College humor

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 2/8

Cast of Characters

A PLAYER: A Shakespearean Player

PRINCE WILLIAM: Duke of Cambridge

CATHERINE (KATE): Duchess of Cambridge

A REPORTER: From E! News

PIPPA MIDDLETON: Kate’s sexy, whip-smartsister, much like Beatricein "Much Ado"

HARRY: Prince of Wales, a wickedhunchback, like Richard III

AN USHER: A dumb CA teen

ELIZABETH: Queen of England.

A JESTER (PRINCE CHARLES): An idiotic jester

Scene

A movie premiere

Time

Modern day, with Elizabethian dress in Scene 2

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 3/8

Scene 1(A movie premiere in Hollywood, LA.PRINCE WILLIAM and KATE MIDDLETON standat the doors, posing for the REPORTER)

THE PLAYER walks on, holding a sign saying, AMovie Premiere, Hollywood, LA".

WILLIAMKate and I are thrilled to be in America. And whatbetter stop than a real Hollywood film premiere?

REPORTERPaula Priss, E! News Online. Prince William, how didyou two like Disneyland?

WILLIAM AND KATE

It was smashing!

REPORTERKate,The Sun has photos of you patting yourtummy.There’s one question that I’m sure is oneveryone’s mind: O-M-G, is Kate preggers? Should we beready for some baby announcement?

KATENothing so exciting I’m afraid.

WILLIAMThank you!

WILLIAM and KATE wave and exit, stage right,inside the movie theater. THE PLAYER stepsforward.

PLAYERTwo royals, both alike in dignity,In fair Hollywood, where we lay our scene,From brotherly grudge break to new mutiny,Where royal blood makes royal hands unclean.From forth the fatal fighting of these two brosA pair of scheming in-laws lose their life;Whose anger in their final throes,Do with their death bury their siblings’ strife.The foolish antics of a brother’s game,And his action doth turn a new page,Which only fuels his brother and sister in law’s fame,Is now the next few minutes’ traffic of our stage;The which if you with patient ears attend,What here shall miss, our play shall eventually end.

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 4/8

2.

Scene 2(The Snack Bar.A bag of popcorn sits ona block.)

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “Yon SnackeBar.” WILLIAM and KATE re-enter stage right,in

Elizabethan dress (if possible). WILLIAM isfurious.

WILLIAMThou art with child of unnoble blood?!

(Aside)O! Should my flesh dissolve inthis very snack bar, I would thankZeus on high for delivering me fromsuch heavy shame.

KATEMy liege, it be false!

WILLIAMAn unwelcome in the lineage wouldtear our kingdom asunder.Thou hast threatened our noble monarchy.

(disgusted)Withdraw, woman!Anon I shall watchthe new "Alvin and the Chipmunks" alone.

KATE falls to her knees

KATE

With all mine heart, I know not whereE! News caught whispers of a new heir.Only that such whispers came not from these lips.

PIPPA (O.S.)No, they came from these.

Enter PIPPA MIDDLETON,Kate’s sexy, whip-smartsister.Think Beatrice in "Much Ado."THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “GASP” 

KATEPippa! Hast thou shared my womb’sSecrets to yonder blogosphere?

PIPPAIndeed!’Twas Us Weekly’s ear I seizedat a masquerade,a most "spirited" evening.

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 5/8

3.

WILLIAM(to KATE; furious)

Zounds!If thy sister spent less hourssharpening her tongue andmore hours biting it, she would not

be resigned to spinsterhood!

KATEPippa, why hast thou betrayed me?

PIPPA"Betrayed?" ’Tis only by my mostcunning intervention that thyhusband’s rightful claimto the throne is secure.Without an heir-apparent,his succession is as fragile asyonder extra large popcorn combo.

Pippa taps an overstuffed popcorn. Kernels rolloff and onto her hands. She stares at them,wild-eyed, and whispers:

PIPPABehold these hands:stained with butter.Will they never be clean?

WILLIAMHa! A fine bard thou wouldst make

with such tall tales.What man would wishto usurp my crown?

PIPPAThy brother.

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “GASP AGAIN” 

HARRY (O.S.)Thou Liest!

Enter PRINCE HARRY, a wicked hunchback. ThinkRichard III.

KATEHarry! Speak! Either now or withthy head upon the block!

HARRY enters.

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 6/8

4.

HARRYMy good brother, it’s clear thiswench means to besmirch my name sothat she might gain my Dukedom.

PIPPA

Ha! What more could I do tobesmirch the name of thee?

HARRYInsolence! Guard! Seize her!

AN USHER stands by, looking confused.

USHER(a dumb California teen)

Uh, we just work here.

HARRY

Seize her, I say!

The USHER shrugs and grabs PIPPA.

PIPPAMark my words, Harry.People shall hear of this villainy.People magazine. I know the editor--ARGH!

HARRY draws a dagger and stabs PIPPA. Blood spurtsout.HARRY walks downstage, chuckles, and starts asoliloquy.

HARRYThe light of nobility shines not upon this brow,living as I do in my brother’s shadow.And so I am determined to bea villain.

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “BOO”.HARRY 

I spend my eves suckling fromthe bosom of Bacchus, drinking the milkof paradise, courting ladies of virtue rotten...

(dropping Shakespeare tone)And trying...interesting plants. Also one time I

snorted sugar on a dare, and thisother time I punched a reporter while dressed up likeBatman. Huh huh.

A herald of trumpets cuts HARRY off. EVERYONE kneels.

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 7/8

5.

KATEHark! The Queen approaches!

ELIZABETH enters in full armor, followed by AJESTER.

WILLIAMMumsy?!

ELIZABETHWilliam, trust not thy brother.

HARRYA pox upon your withered visage!What proof hast thee?

A JESTER hops out. THE JESTER is PRINCE CHARLES.

JESTER

(to HARRY; off his skin, which is flush)Her Majesty needs not proof of thy trespass;thy face is caught "red-handed!"

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “LAUGH”.

HARRYHold thy tongue, father.

KATE(to JESTER)

Prince Charles!Doth the Queen speak the truth?

JESTERMy lady, I could not lie to such aamorous visage as thine.Or, rather, I could not lie upon suchan amorous visage? Eh?

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “LAUGH AGAIN,THOUGH FOR WHY, I KNOW NOT” 

ELIZABETH’Tis true.Alcohol may fill Harry’s stomach,but deceit fills his heart.For I read it... on TMZ.

THE PLAYER holds up a sign that says “GASP ONCE MORE”. HARRY, desperate,charges ELIZABETH, butWILLIAM draws a sword and runs HARRY through.HARRY falls.

7/17/2019 Shakespeare's Kate and William

http://slidepdf.com/reader/full/shakespeares-kate-and-william 8/8

6.

HARRY(with his last breath)

The witches’ prophecy fulfilled!So ends the life of Harry:prince, soldier, andArizona’s #3 wing-eating champion.

I fall!

ELIZABETHLet us make haste from this so sad scene.An interview have I withAlbert of the Rokers.

Exeunt all save THE PLAYER, who turns to theaudience.

THE PLAYERThus far, with rough and all-unable pen,Our bending author hath pursued the story,

In little room confining mighty women and men,Mangling by starts the full course of their glory.The usurpers are left, their lives thus cleaved.These stars of England: Tabloids made their sword;By which their US visit be achieved,A trip to Disneyland, in all accord.And anon, a child Kate did bringA boy named George in 2013 did succeed;Whose birth was quite a momentous thing,Hopefully not tainted by his aunt and uncle’s greed:Which oft our stage hath shown; and, for their sake,In your fair minds let this acceptance take.Go now, good people. ’Twas the tale

Of lady Catherine and her Wail, uh, -iam.William.

THE PLAYER bows

THE END