Seven Keys to Maximizing Your Relationship Master Strategies of Super Marriages.

Seven KeysSeven Keys to to

Maximizing Your Maximizing Your RelationshipRelationship

Master Strategies of Super Marriages

Learning Objectives

This seminar will teach you:

• How to transform your relationship• Simple, effective techniques anyone can

use to boost connectivity in your relationship

• How to turn criticism into your most valuable resource

• Rules for constructive conflict

WarningWarning Research shows that these highly highly

effective strategies effective strategies work best when put into practice, practice, practice.

It is also believed that 30 days of practice increases the possibility of this new behavior becoming a habit. Then your ability to make the habits permanent is vastly increased.

A Thought to Remember

"To know and not to do, is really not to know. To learn and not to do is not to learn. In

other words, to understand something but not apply it is really not to understand it. It is only by the doing, the applyingapplying, that knowledge and understanding are internalized.

Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness

A Thought to Remember

For instanceFor instance, you could study tennis as a sport by reading books,

and hearing lectures, but until you've actually played it, you wouldn't know the sport. To know and not to do is not to know.“

Stephen R. Covey in the 8th Habit: From Effectiveness to Greatness

Introduction

A quality relationship requires frequent

and consistent effort at doing the positive things that sustain your commitment. This involves making

choices and taking responsibility. This seminar will identify some of

the key ingredients to valuing your relationship and how to put them into

practice.

Stop …… Signs of ReadinessPrepare for uninterrupted time slot

• Get pencil and paper

• Telephone & cellular phone off

• TV off

• Music off

Key 1- Honor

• Honor is the foundation on which any fulfilling relationship must be built.

• Honor is something we can choose to give whether we feel like it or not.

• Honoring or valuing someone is not dependent on them but on you.

Key 1- Honor

•We choose to bring honor into any relationship not because someone deserves it, but because that is the right thing to do in any relationship.

How Do You Honor Others?

• You honor them with words of encouragement and by listening to them.

• You honor people by looking into their eyes when they’re speaking or by giving them a smile or a pat on the back. As you begin to honor them, you’ll not only

see a change in them, you’ll see a change in yourself.

How Do You Honor Others?

• We honor with our expressions, our words, and our tone of voice.

• We also can dishonor someone with a look, harsh words, or a condescending tone of voice.

Key 2 - Encouragement

• We encourage people with our spirit and our attitude as well as with our words and tone of voice.

• We can encourage people just by responding to them (“You would like it if I would pick up behind myself. Yes, I will pick up behind

myself.”) instead of reacting to them. (In an angry voice tone – “You don’t cook!”)


• Words of encouragement or a willingness to just listen can make all the difference in the world in how people will face the rest of their day.

• Other forms of encouragement include nonsexual touch, a hug, even a pat on the back.


When you are listening to someone as a means of encouraging him or

her, don’t try to solve any problems he or she voices.

Key 3 - SecurityOne of the greatest needs of a woman is

security. • She wants to feel safe in a relationship. (No physical violence, no threat of violence, no verbal abuse, show of

protection when others appear threatening, etc.)

• She wants to know that her mate is 100% committed to her for the long term.

• She wants to feel secure enough that she can express whatever she thinks or feels and not be judged or criticized for her thoughts or feelings.

Key 3 - Security

But women aren’t the only ones who want security in a relationship. Men need it as well. (Being called negative, derogatory, or belittling names, etc)

We also infuse security into the relationship by showing appreciation.

Key 4 – Respect and Admiration

The single greatest need of a man is to feel respected and admired.

How do you communicate respect and admiration?

• It is his masculinity he wants noticed and appreciated, his masculine body, skills, abilities, achievements and dreams.

Key 4 – Respect and Admiration

• Give genuine praise, not just flattery. (Flattery is when you comment on something

someone has rather than on what he or she has done.)

• Praise and respect are communicated by focusing attention on something he or she has accomplished.

Key 5 – Effective Communication

• The only way you will ever get a man to understand what you’re feeling is by using an effective emotional word picture. (Using emotional word pictures to implant understanding in the listener’s mind and feeling in the listener’s emotions) It’s the only communication technique that stimulates the right side of a man’s brain.

• Hooking a person’s undivided attention

Key 6 – Fighting by the Rules

When two are more people come together to form a relationship in order for harmony and respect everyone's needs to get met there must be an acknowledged and agreed upon structure or guidelines for handling conflict.

Dr. Gary Smalley an expert in connecting people, shows us the do’s and don’ts of conflicts.

Rules for Constructive ConflictConflict Do’s

1. Take a timeout to gain control, become calmer, and reduce your anger before you engage in the confrontation.

2. Prepare for the confrontation before you engage in it.

Rules for Constructive Conflict Determine your specific goal for the

confrontation. Do you simply want to resolve a current

problem? Do you want to stop a behavior pattern? Do you want to replace a destructive behavior

pattern with a constructive one? Do you want to correct, encourage, or punish?

Rules for Constructive Conflict

• Determine what specifically you want to say and how you want to say it. Write it down if time permits so you can make sure you avoid all of the don’ts in your message.


• Determine how to begin the confrontation in the least inflammatory way. Include your positive goal for the confrontation. (For example, “I really want to be the best friend I can be to you” or “Because our relationship is so important to me, I wanted to share something that could make it better for both of us).

Rules for Constructive Conflict3. Approach the confrontation in the spirit of a

learner who also makes mistake and has weaknesses.

4. If criticism is to be given, use the sandwich method

(To be discussed later in full detail)

5. Use as many encouraging and positive statements as you can in the context surrounding the central issue you are trying to address or resolve.

Rules for Constructive Conflict6. Be willing to offer and accept a progressive

resolution of the problem or issue. 7. Ask for advice on what you can do to help

resolve the problem on your end, or to reduce your contribution to the problem.

8. If the person attacks you, don’t defend yourself or retaliate. Assure him or her that you too have weaknesses that you need to work on.


9. Keep the confrontation on track. Don’t be diverted to side issues or opportunities to deal with problems other than those you have planned to address. If the other person won’t proceed unless you do address side issues, you can always agree that he or she has a legitimate concern and ask if you can set aside time to deal with that issue.

Rules for Constructive Conflict10. Control your words, tone of voice, and

nonverbal communication. Respect and honor the person, even in the midst of conflict. Remember the wisdom of the proverb of Solomon, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.

11. Reassure the person of your ongoing care

and commitment to him or her and to your relationship.


Conflict Don’ts

1. Don’t bury the problem or the hurt it’s causing you.

2. Don’t deny or run away from the problem or the confrontation required to address it.


3. Don’t let your addressing the problem degenerate into an attack on the person or his or her character. (If character is the issue, address it, don’t attack the specific character failing, not the character in general.)


4. Don’t use inflammatory remarks, sarcasm, or name calling.

5. Don’t enter a conflict in the spirit of a self-righteous know-it-all.

6. Don’t let the conflict broaden to issues other than the one's you are trying to address.


7. Don’t use generalizations, exaggerations, or blanket statements such as “you always” or “you never.”

8. Don’t use ultimatums or threats.

9. Don’t use body language or nonverbal communication that shows disbelief or

lack of respect (such as rolling your eyes or shaking your head).


10. Don’t interrupt.

11. Don’t raise your voice.

12. Don’t withdraw or walk away or hang up the telephone in the middle of a confrontation.

Key 7 - Correct Criticism

The Sandwich Method of Criticism: The Only Wise Way to Criticize

Step 1. Pointing out a positive quality about the

individual or his or her performance and offering specific (not general) praise for that quality or performance. “Hallie, that was nice of you to get a bottle of chocolate milk for Daddy. You are so thoughtful.”


Step 2. Next comes the slice of specific criticism,

addressing a wrong activity or choice, but not attacking the person’ character: “Hallie, even though I love chocolate milk, the bottles are too heavy for you to carry. Because you dropped it on the carpet, we’re going to have to take a lot of time to clean it up. So next time asks one of your big brothers to carry the bottle of milk for you, Okay?” Do you understand?”


Step 3. After the criticism has been delivered

and has been acknowledged and understood, it’s time to put the last slice of bread on the sandwich. “Hallie, you are the sweetest little girl. Thank you for trying to be so nice to me.”

Seven Keys to Maximizing Your Relationship Master Strategies of Super Marriages.

Documents

Transcript of Seven Keys to Maximizing Your Relationship Master Strategies of Super Marriages.