• SESSION SEVEN: • EXAGGERATED EXPECTATIONS • and THE CORE NEED OF • REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

16. Unrelenting Standards17. Punitiveness18. Self-Sacrifice

Lifetraps Stemming from Unrealistic Expectations

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive Traits

Unrelenting Standards vs Realistic StandardsPunitiveness vs GraciousnessSelf-Sacrifice vs Reciprocity

Realistic ExpectationsRead Gen 29:14b – 30:1-24, Gen 32:1 - 33:1-20, Gen 35:16-20• When Rachel said, “Give me children, or I’ll

die”, is it wrong to be desperate to have children?

• What message would she have believed if she did not have children?

• What happened to her in Gen 30:1? Was this connected to her earlier statement?

• Compare the first born (Reuben) and the fourth born (Judah)? Through whose line of descendants did Jesus and David come from?

• What does this show about how God works?• Was the first born that much more special?• Was God able to work through Leah even though

she was not favored by Jacob like Rachel?

Eventually God showed that His workings does not fit within the framework of man’s ideas and expectations. The firstborn was Reuben, but through whose line of descendants did Jesus come from? It was the fourth son, Judah (Gen 29: 35), not the first or the last, which would probably be most people’s guess.

So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it.

2 Corinthians 5:9

Movie Moment

Happy Feet

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1

The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

Proverbs 15:2

A cheerful look brings joy to the heart, and good news gives health to the bones.

Proverbs 15:30

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

Matthew 23:23-24

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.

Romans 15:7

Are the schemas in this domain ruining our relationships? Are they causing us to hurt our children? Why do we find it difficult to praise others? Where do our unrelenting standards come from?

Here are some possible answers…

Reason 1 – we don’t want them to become proud

Reason 2 – we don’t want to be seen as a boastful parent

Reason 3 – we do not approve of the things they do or listen to or wear or whatever…

Reason 4 – we feel if we don’t correct them we are not being a good Christian (or we are afraid that they won’t be a good Christian)…

Reason 5 – we genuinely don’t appreciate their strengths

Reason 6 – we are fixated on what we want for them; living our dreams through them…

Our children have different gifts and intelligences and we should accept and praise them.

According to Howard Gardner of Harvard University and his theory of Multiple Intelligence, the different intelligences are:

The Multiple Intelligences

1. Logical - Mathematical “IQ”

indicative of logical, mathematical and scientific ability

Albert Einstein

2. Linguistic “IQ” – (also known as Verbal Intelligence) exhibited in its fullest form by poets

J.K. RowlingAuthor of HARRY POTTER

J.K. RowlingAuthor of HARRY POTTER

Modern-Day Poets (Rap Artists)

3.   Musical “TQ”– the ability to understand/comprehend and/or produce music; related to one’s grasp of rhythm, pitch and tone. 

Ludwig van Beethoven

Johann Sebastian Bach

4. Spatial “TQ” – ability to form a mental model of a spatial world and be able to maneuver and operate using that model

Singapore is now host to the world’s first annual Formula One Night Race!

Navigational Skills

5.   Bodily/Kinesthetic “TQ”

ability to solve problems or fashion products using one’s whole body or parts of the body

6. Naturalistic “TQ” – The ability to recognize, categorize, and/or draw upon certain features of the environment.

John Gray Sea Canoe Eco-Tours in Phuket

Park & harbour design, landscaping, “green jobs”

7. Interpersonal “EQ” – the ability to understand people: what motivates them, how they work, how to work cooperatively with them 

8. Intrapersonal “EQ” – the ability to form an accurate assessment of how one is feeling, to know oneself, and to use that knowledge to operate effectively in life

Gifted Authors & Helpers

The intrapersonal intelligenceindividual may finda career in areas such as a poet, artist, photographer, or therapist and counselor. Famous People: Charles Darwin, Virginia Wolf, Helen Keller, George Patton, Mother Theresa and Anne Frank.

Our job as parents: Expose and encourage! Accept and praise!Our job is NOT to live out our dreams through them or compete with our children…

MOVIE THERAPY

Kicking and Screaming

Movie Moment

Kicking and Screaming

Music & Spatial

• Listen to beautiful music• Take them to concerts

• Have an art area at home• Provide an atlas early in

life - • Talk about directions - use

maps on websites• Don’t discourage their

artwork

Kinesthetic

• Let them get dirty• Lots of outdoor

activities• Crawling and climbing• Practice all sorts of

sports (for fun!)

Naturalistic

Encourage your children to grow a plant.

Help them to recycle items from your home.

Visit parks often and talk about the beauty of nature.

Work “love of nature” into your family holidays.

Interpersonal

• Monitor their social skills as much as their academic skills

• VALUE their social life as much as their studies• Ask your children for their opinion• Praise specific comments or acts of kindness

also

• Encourage your children to talk to other adults• Have friends over and be hospitable• Foster independence (like cleaning their own room)

to instill more confidence• Spend time at school in order to watch their

interaction with others

Intrapersonal• Create an atmosphere of openness• Listen! Listen! Listen! (Provide time)• Give Meaning Attribution (Explain “why” a lot!)• Tell stories about the past (history, religion, YOUR

life)• Let them have free time and an inner life

also• Tell the story of YOUR

childhood• Read about Heroes• Learn together about

history• Visit museums, ballet, and

the opera

Movie Moment

Dead Poet’s Society

Illustrates a father who does not accept his son’s interests, gifts, and intelligences, and destroys his family because of his unrealistic expectations.

The dad loved his son, but he loved his own dreams more.

Everything was about the dad.Didn’t appreciate his son’s gifts and strengths. Instead of developing PUNITIVENESS or NEGATIVITY,

he sought so much APPROVAL that he killed himself, the ultimate SELF-SACRIFICE.

Lifetrap Lessons from Dead Poets’ Society

The core message of the self-sacrifice lifetrap is, “I must meet the needs of others before my own. I do not want to feel selfish or cause any pain to others.” This pattern of thinking and behaving appears very kind but creates problems in the long run as it results in imbalanced relationships, and problems with unmet needs.

Self Sacrifice

Unrelenting StandardsThe core message of the unrelenting standards lifetrap is, “I must work very, very hard to meet very high standards or I will be criticized. I do not have time to relax or have too much fun. I must always be efficient.” The driving words for this lifetrap are “I should …”

Movie Moment

I Not Stupid Unrelenting Standards

PunitivenessThe core message of the punitiveness lifetrap is, “Mistakes have consequences – I should be punished for making mistakes and so should everyone else. It is not okay to make a mistake. We should constantly strive for and demand perfection.”

People with the punitive lifetrap do not give grace or mercy, either to themselves or to people who make mistakes. They are people who usually do not forgive easily. Rather, they see all mistakes as crimes which should be punished. They have a very strong sense of justice, and right and wrong, seeing things in black and white. They come across as blaming when they see a mistake.

Movie Moment

Amelie

Punitiveness

Basic Safety when Meeting the

Core Emotional Need of Realistic Expectations

MyopiaSpinal InjurySleep Deprivation

Three Areas In Addition to Mental Health

Parents make a differenceEffort makes a difference (not just genes) For example, in the USA, only 1% of the

population is Jewish, but 10-14% of gifted children are from that origin.

James Campbell – Research on how parents help their children. Parents can have a lot of influence even in school days when they spend a lot of time at school.

Education

Values are best passed on when the connection is high – not low or mediumE.g. Time together regularly, outside academics

Be partners with themUse parent’s skills – don’t just rely on tuition…

1. Parental Emotional Support and Connection

• Need to distinguish between ability and effort.When effort is high, and you are focused on that then you are modeling something very important.

Else from the child’s view pointLove = Results….

Neglect Fear Conditioned Love

Low Level High Level

Concern

• This is so devastating.• Grow up with inner voice saying,• “You are not good enough”• “You are stupid”• “You are a failure”• “You will never make it”• Dysfunction will be passed down to their

children.

When identifying gifts, if unsure, be flexible…

How this is going to affect them, not you…• Not being able to provide for your own

family• Not using your own talent – frustration• Effort makes a huge difference• Family holidays

Motivation

Moth

er

Fath

er

Siblin

gs

Grandpare

nts

Teachers

Peers Self

A Lot (Danger)Some

Moderate

Little

None

Moth

er

Fath

er

Siblin

gs

Grandpare

nts

Teachers

Peers Self

A Lot (Danger)

Some

Moderate

Little

None

• Use role models, stories…(not those who make it big in $$$ in papers)

• Col 3: 23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

Expectations Must Blend with their Gifts

• Expose them early on – music, games, reading, art, and pay attention.

• So many parents are motivated by status and $$$ – Doctors, lawyers, engineers. It will never be stated, but it is the main driving force.

• Ability is what God gave you. Effort is what makes you grow.

• Emphasize this over and over again.• Use role models about people who worked

hard, not always monetarily rich.

Collaborate with them to build good work habits

• If younger, be more directive, not authoritarian.

E.g. Good reading / learning habits early on. If older (9-10), be a mentor and collaborate more.

• Work habits must turn into routines…

Empathy vs Pressure

When they are trying – empathize. Really be partners with them. Tell them how much you believe in them…

When poor grade is a result of poor effort…

DO NOTBeat themYell at themBelittle or verbally abuse themWithdraw your love and connectionShow favoritism Give up

Instead:a) Keep Being Consistent in Meeting Core Needs

Time together should not cease, playful times with them, joy as a family…

b) Provide More Structure – learning environment, own desk, room, other noise, interference…

More structure is NOT punishment

• More time needed• More practice• More self discipline• More quality – some pretend to study to

please parents.• Too much TV / computer games

More structure is NOT punishment

• Studied wrong material• Show off by finishing first

Leave on a positive note, believing them. Don’t bark at poor grades/ setbacks

More structure means maintaining good balance of play and relaxation and spirituality.

• Never miss QTs/ church• BT for teens – skip only if 2 weeks away from

major exams.• Many parents prioritize tuition >> spirituality

and they can’t make it to BTs on Saturdays.

If you are going to cut out, take out CCAs…too many will affect other important areas

• E.g. Sonia with tennis…• Schools – several issues that take up too much

time.• Mother tongue – why do good students need

to study something that takes up 70% of their time? Not sure how it will be used in the future…

• Spirituality is more important than academics.

c) Diagnose and Analyze Together –Maybe other causes:

• Did not put in enough effort• Child forgot to study• Does not like that subject• Make a pact together – partners…

• Did not go over the answers• Poor teacher – bad questions, and

misdirection, wrong material.

d) More Assistance If with parents, watch distractions, especially on

subjects they do not like…

e) Keep emphasizing on their strengthThis avoids them going into a downward spiral and becoming negative…

vi) Celebrate when there’s progressNot when they get 90%Why did you not get 100%How many people got 90%?

• Keep telling them – For subjects that they don’t like, they do not have to do this forever!!! But finish off well…Good for character. Explain why…

• Sometimes, just need to leave and let them be. When they are ready, they will come back to you…When your relationship is good they will want to please you. (elaborate)

• Don’t Send Mixed Signals. Warm when spending time, and then a “tiger” when it comes to academics.

SLEEP DEPRIVATION – 2 hours lessSPINAL INJURIES – 20% body weightMYOPIA – related to outdoor play

BASIC SAFETY(see book for stats)

• Getting Ready for Bed - caffeine, TV, noise…

• A Sleep Friendly Environment• Sleeping Arrangements (John’s

specialty!)• Realistic Expectations• Teens - need sleep! Moods…

Sleeping

Movie Moment

Amelie

Helper’s high…

Movie Moment

Happy Feet

(My son’s comments about this movie.)

Meet your children’s core need of Realistic Expectations – you never know what God might accomplish through your kids!

Last session is the Plus-one need of Spiritual Spiritual Values and Community

End Session Seven