Sept. 15th Issue # 2

Keeping a Confidence A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the ar-

rival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospitalto see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that itwas against hospital policy to give this informationover the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can youtell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply. Sermon Overtime

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity ofhis sermons. His talks were well organized and alwaysended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift arounda bit and was still preaching to the congregation after35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, whichfortunately he recognized as a sign he should come toa close.

When they got home after the service, the wifeasked the pastor why he got so muddled and why hewent on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit oftucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak.When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time tostop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collarbutton instead of a lozenge."

Slot Machines I was on vacation, playing the slot machines. It was

my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how the ma-chines operated.

"Excuse me," I said to a casino employee. "Howdoes this work?"

The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit thespin button, and operate the release handle.

"And where does the money come out?" I asked. He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying,

"Usually at the ATM."

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How to Mess Up a Job Interview We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all

spent most of those interviews thinking about what notto do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't inter-rupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knewwe'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job ap-plicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed toppersonnel executives of 100 major American corpora-tions and asked for stories of unusual behavior by jobapplicants. The lowlights:

- "...stretched out on the floor to fill out the job appli-cation."

- "She used an iPod and said she could listen to meand the music at the same time."

- "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Re-turned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hair-piece."

- "...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if thepersonnel executive was qualified to judge the candi-date."

- "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceededto eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer'soffice - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

- "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstratehis loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on hisforearm."

- "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on an-swering specific interview questions."

- "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood upand started tap dancing around my office."

- "...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flashpicture of me. Said he collected photos of everyonewho interviewed him."

- "Said he wasn't interested because the position paidtoo much."

- "During the interview, an alarm clock went offfrom the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut itoff, apologized and said he had to leave for another in-terview."

- "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job,but the unemployment office needed proof that he waslooking for one."

-The only reason people get lost in thought is be-cause it's unfamiliar territory.

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Food, Family, and Philosophy A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous

about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.The father replies: "My son, there are three subjectsthat always work. These are food, family, and philoso-phy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a sodafountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare ateach other for a long time, as the boy's nervousnessbuilds. He remembers his father's advice, and choosesthe first topic. He asks the girl, "Do you like potatopancakes?" She says, "No" and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boythinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the seconditem on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"Again, the girl says, "No" and there is silence onceagain.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his fa-ther's advice and asks the girl the following question:"If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

SIDNK During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet train-

ing, the new cadets go through a ten-day encampmentoutdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, theyare required to do pushups and then get in line to an-swer questions about the academy. If they answer cor-rectly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, theyare sent to the back of the line.

One cadet had been sent back a number of times be-cause he didn't reel off the answers. When the poorcadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassmanasked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K.stand for?"

The cadet bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do notknow."

"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in thereand get some chow!"

Food Comments "Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all

the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would fromlicking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have theshrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

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Spoiled Rotten "When I was a youngster," complained the frus-

trated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined bybeing sent to my room without supper. But our son hashis own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when he misbehaves?" askedhis friend.

"I send him to our room." One Liners

•I’m not saying that my wife is a lousy housewife, but she keeps clogging up the dishwasher

with paper plates.•If I had to do it all over again, I would marry a Japan-ese girl. They’re graceful, beautiful, attentive and my

mother-in-law would be in Yokohama.•Politics is a rough business. One week you’re on the

cover of Time and the next week you’re doing it.•A proud daddy but his arm around his son and asked.

“What did you learn in school today?”“I learned that four and four is nine,” said his son

But that’s wrong,” the father corrected.The boy thought for a moment:

“Well, in that case, I didn’t learn anything.”•Sign in a barber shop: “It’s longer than you think!”

Refrigerator A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor,

I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he'sa refrigerator."

"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a ratherharmless complex."

"Well, maybe," replied the lady. "But he sleeps withhis mouth open and the light keeps me awake."

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Crayons Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home

from kindergarten every day since he started a monthago. Each day his mother admired the pictures andhung them on the refrigerator. One thing started both-ering her. Little Johnny only used black and brownsfor his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting itto get worse, she decided to take him to a child psy-chologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gaveLittle Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chat-ted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectlynormal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued.Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring homedrawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of theproblem and fearful that something was terriblywrong, the child psychologist decided to give LittleJohnny some paper and a box of crayons and observewhat happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said,"Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we onlyhave old boxes. The only ones left in mine are blackand brown!"

The Speaker A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He

gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm

sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a

calendar behind you."

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Pool Rules A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a

swim club. However, he was stopped by the ownerwho tried to explain that for health reasons long-hairedpeople were prohibited from using the pool.

"Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in thepool," suggested the owner.

"Some of history's greatest men had long hair," saidthe young man.

"Those are the rules," hammered back the owner. "Moses had long hair." "Moses can't swim in our pool either."

Scrimping and Saving After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told

his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally savedenough money to buy what we started saving for in1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Pony Express At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained

to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letterfrom Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now ittakes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought about it for a moment, then hisface brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lotolder now?"

I told the doctor I broke my leg in twoplaces. He told me to quit going to those

places. - Henny Youngman

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School QuestionMother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

School Theater Billy's father picked him up from school to take

him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting rolesfor the school play were being posted that day, heasked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten apart. "I play a man who's been married for twentyyears."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and be-fore you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

•What’ the big deal over these tax cuts? It’s like the mugger letting you keep your watch.

Sign on a moving van: “Our movers aren’t even al-lowed to scratch themselves.”

Sign in a tailoring shop:“If your pants have an iron deficiency --

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School QuestionMother: "Why are you home from school so early?" Son: "I was the only one who could answer a ques-tion." Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?" Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

Getting His Act Together“Doctor, now that I’m going to marry Susan, there’s

one thing I want to get off my chest.”“What’s that young man?”“A tatooed heart with the name Mary on it.”

•Middle age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling to us, one saying,

“Why not?” and the other saying, “Why bother?”

School Theater Billy's father picked him up from school to take

him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting rolesfor the school play were being posted that day, heasked Billy if he got a part.

Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten apart. "I play a man who's been married for twentyyears."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and be-fore you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

•What’ the big deal over these tax cuts? It’s like the mugger letting you keep your watch.

Sign on a moving van: “Our movers aren’t even al-lowed to scratch themselves.”

What if everything is an illusion and nothingexists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for

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Camper CommentsThese are actual comments left on U. S. Forest Serviceregistration sheets and comment cards by backpackerscompleting wilderness camping trips:“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag ofpickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Pleasecall.”“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the ForestService needs to reduce worldwide population growthto limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”“Trails need to be wider so people can walk whileholding hands.”“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that usewalking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”“All the mile markers are missing this year.”“Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid buildingtrails that go uphill.”“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area ofthese pests.”“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snowin the winter.”“Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we canget to wonderful views without having to hike tothem.”“The coyotes made too much noise last night and keptme awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet sopeople can hike at night with flashlights.”“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.”“The places where trails do not exist are not wellmarked.”“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

Trade ‘YaA guy is walking down the street with a case of beerunder his arm.His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave!Whatcha got that case of beer for?""Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave."Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

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Ulterior Motive Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to

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When the host finished and the slices of meat layneatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up:"Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now lets seeyou put them back together again."

Pirates Two pirates are talking. One has a wooden leg, a

hook, and an eye patch. How'd you get that wooden leg, mate? Ay, it got bit off by a varmit shark. How'd you get that metal hook? Lost 'er in a sword fight . . . guy cut off me bloody

hand. How'd you get that eye patch? Well, I was up in the crows nest and I looked up to

spy this seagull. The dang thing got me right in theeye!

Well, how'd THAT make you blind? Arr, it was the first day I had me hook!

-When you are courting a nice girl an hourseems like a second. When you sit on a

red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour.That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

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Polly Wanna Talk? A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm really

lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep mecompany."

"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."

"Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buysthe parrot and takes him home.

Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store."You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," shesays. "Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! Youbuy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."

"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder. Next day: Same lady comes back to the petstore. "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," shesays to the pet store clerk.

He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?"he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and thenhe'll talk to you."

"OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goeshome.

But the next day that same lady is back in the shop."Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "Thatparrot STILL won't talk to me."

The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA!Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrotwill climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell,and then he will surely talk to you!"

"Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. Andshe buys the bell and takes it home.

The next day the same lady comes back to the petshop, and she is mightily distressed. "What's wrong?"asks the clerk.

"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply. "Ohmigoodness! I'm so sorry for your loss!" ex-

claimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrotever say anything to you?"

"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died,"she replied.

"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk. The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT

STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'"

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SOUND FUNNIER! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!” PAGE 13

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEANBACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ONSNOWY DAYS.

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger,1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITHITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,

EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY.LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLARMAN) - $50

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IFIT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USEDONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED$100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PERHOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEX-IBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

HHaappppyyTTaaiillss BBooaarrddiinngg KKeennnneell

Regular Run $16; Large Run $18; Larger Run $20Per night, includes several supervised playtimes. Just bring food.

Extra pets eating and sleeping together in the same run each get half off.

407-892-3411Daycare Available!

www.HappyTailsWeb.com

2331 Eastern Ave.St. Cloud

“Comfortable, Clean & Caring”FREE Day Camp with Boarding Stays

Join Kissimmee BayCountry Club and Receive Your First Month FREE!For Details call 407-348-4653

Remington CC - 2995 Remington Blvd. • 407-344-4004Kissimmee Bay CC - 2801 Kissimmee Bay Blvd. 407-348-GOLF

GOLF, GOLF, GOLF! ALL YOU CAN..Practice, Play and Eat

CONTINUES At Remington!All Regular Rates include:

*Unlimited Use of Driving Range*Unlimited Golf,

*All You Can Eat Bar & Grille!(offer & rates may be subject to change)

Visit Our Pro Shops For Daily Golf Specials

Come Enjoy a Beautiful Day of Golf at either Course!


Software Development Cycle Software doesn't just appear on the shelves by

magic. That program shrink-wrapped inside the boxalong with the indecipherable manual and 12-para-graph disclaimer notice actually came to you by way ofan elaborate path, through the most rigid quality con-trol on the planet.

Here, shared for the first time with the general pub-lic, are the inside details of the program developmentcycle. 1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. 2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found. 3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to thetesting department that the other 10 aren't really bugs. 4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn'twork and discovers 15 new bugs. 5. See 3. 6. See 4. 7. See 5. 8. See 6. 9. See 7. 10. See 8. 11. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely prema-ture product announcement based on overly-optimisticprogramming schedule, the product is released. 12. Users find 137 new bugs. 13. Original programmer, having cashed his royaltycheck, is nowhere to be found. 14. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almostall of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones. 15. Original programmer sends underpaid testing de-partment a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing depart-ment quits. 16. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by com-petitor using profits from their latest release, which had783 bugs. 17. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. Hehires programmer to redo program from scratch. 18. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free....

•Custom Gates•Electronic Gate Openers•Solar Gate Openers•Access Controls

garage Doors & repairs

DAVID’SElectronic Gate Systems

St. Cloud, FloridaSales - Service - Installation

407-922-6170Gate & Opener Repairs

2587 N. OrANgE BLOssOM TrAiL, KissiMMEEServing All of Central Florida, including Orange, Osceola,

Lake, Polk and Seminole Counties & MoreHablamos Español•Main Office: Kissimmee•Branch Offices: Downtown Orlando & Lake Mary

407-TrEE-TOp407 - 8 7 3 - 3 8 6 7

[email protected]

Specializing in Hazardous Tree RemovalFor Sale:Firewood

Mulch & StoneFREE Estimates!

Licensed and Insured

Palm TreeMaintenance

De-Mossing TreesStump GrindingLand ClearingDebris RemovalTrimming &Removal

GET MORE BUSINESS! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!” PAGE 15

Setting Up CampThe loaded mini-van pulled into the only remainingcampsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle andbegan feverishly unloading gear and setting up thetent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the

girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cook-ing utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters’ father,“That, sir, is some display of teamwork.”

The father replied, “I have a system — no one goes tothe bathroom until the camp is set up.”

Phantom FishA man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Al-gonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving

a lake well known for its fishing. The game wardenasked the man, "Do you have a license to catch thosefish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir.

These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied."Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the

lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistleand they jump back into their buckets, and I take emhome." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, andthen said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K.I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious.The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and

waited. After several minutes, the game warden turnedto the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man re-sponded. "When are you going to call them back?" the

game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the manasked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked.

Did You Know......everyone has a unique tongue print...hiccups usually lasts for 5 minutes

...the life span of a house fly is between 10 to 25 days...the average person laughs 10 times a day

(with the Orange Peel it’s more like 1,000...)...your mouth produces 1 litre of saliva a day

Pool, Playground, Screened Porches, Washer/Dryer hook-upsNear schools and shopping, on Lynx/school bus line

3147 Hempstead Avenue, Kissimmee(off Columbia St. behind Outback, Office Max, Home Depot & Target)

407-931-2383 • Ask about renting to own!

1, 2 & 3 Bedroom Villas from $525

RENTALS

We Come To You!

GLASS & MIRRORS• MIRROR WALLS• SHOWER DOORS• TABLE TOPS • STORE FRONT GLASS

• GLASS DOOR INSERT• SLIDING DOOR GLASS• DOUBLE PANE GLASS• WINDOW GLASS REPLACED

WINDORS INSTALLATIONS

For all your glass needs call: 407-846-1781

Heaven Just Can’t Wait


KISSIMMEE - SEP 26PALM BAY - NOV 28

START DATES:OUPV - 6 PAK

CRYSTAL RIVER- OCT 29PALM BAY - DEC 10

&

Pool Rules A young fellow with long-hair was trying to enter a

swim club. However, he was stopped by the ownerwho tried to explain that for health reasons long-hairedpeople were prohibited from using the pool.

"Get a haircut, and you're welcome to swim in thepool," suggested the owner.

"Some of history's greatest men had long hair," saidthe young man.

"Those are the rules," hammered back the owner. "Moses had long hair." "Moses can't swim in our pool either."

Scrimping and Saving After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told

his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally savedenough money to buy what we started saving for in1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

Pony Express At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained

to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letterfrom Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now ittakes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought about it for a moment, then hisface brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lotolder now?"

Speed of Learning Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kidslearn to drive the car?" Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly theycatch on to running the lawnmower and vacuumcleaner."

Recruiting Officer Dan Q. Baeitto“What’s the Q. for?” she asked.

Dan: Well, when I was born my father took one look atmy mother and said, “Mom, let’s call it quits.”

What you call dog with no legs?Don't matter what you call him,

he ain't gonna come.

All Your Office suppliesAt great prices!

FREE NEXT DAY DELIVERY!NO MINIMUM ORDER!

For Fast, Friendly ServiceCall Paul Braley 407-353-2436

Relay For Life 2012 of St. CloudWould you like to be a part of

St. Cloud’s signature Fundraiser?Are you undergoing treatment for cancer

or have you beat cancer?If you answers yes to either one of these questions

we want to invite you to be a part of Relay for Life 2012

For information on how to be a part of this event please visit:

www.relayforlife.org/stcloudor contact: Sue Vitelli

407-957-4061 • [email protected] Erin Harvey

407-581-2513 • [email protected]

2012 Relay Dates...

April 28th & April 29th

GET MORE LAUGHS! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!” PAGE 17

South EastAluminum

“Our Quality Shines Through!”screen rooms • rescreening

storm protection • pool EnclosuresVinyl & glass Windows

407-847-7788Licensed/ & Insured

Next Time One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I

emerged from a restaurant only to find that he hadlocked the keys in the car. He insisted he could openthe door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back tothe restaurant to get one. There were none to be found.

John then ran to a department store a quarter-mileaway and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts,he got the door open and we climbed in. As we satthere, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under hisseat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever hap-pens again, I'll have one."

Bus Seat A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in

front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to

keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offer-ing a poor, defenseless woman his seat," so she pusheshim back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.She is still insulted so she refuses to let him up again.

Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to letme get up. I'm twelve blocks past my stop already."

Pharmacy After receiving his medication from the pharmacist,

the customer asked, "Are these time-release pills?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes, they are. They'll

begin to work after your check clears."

•I like my bifocals, my dentures fit me fine,My hearing aid is perfect, but how I miss my mind.

I told my wife that a husband is like a finewine; he gets better with age. The next day,

she locked me in the cellar.

Automotive Accessories, Performance PartsCustom Audio & Video SystemsFOR CARS, TRUCKS, SUVS & BOATS

4125 Neptune Road (Behind Taco Bell), St. Cloud407-957-2222

UWs • Flowmaster • Bullydog • Edge • Hypertech • B&W Hitches

Magna Flow • superchip • Banks • Warn • K&N • ranch Hand • Bestop

AirA

id•s

CT

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blo

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Lock• K

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nderCover

•Bug Shield & Bug Screens•Gas & Diesel Performance Parts•Custom Stereo Systems & Repair

•Bed Covers & Spray-In Liners•Lowering Kits & Lift Kits•Wheels & Tires

We Install It All!

MV64723

Parrish Plumbing, Inc.

PLUMBING SERVICES407-892-1554

Kissimmee • Poinciana • St. CloudLocally Owned and Operated Lic.# RF11067322

24 Hour ServiceSewers & Drains • Backflow Testing & Repair

ROOF LEAKING ?

Handyman services specializing in

roof repair / All types

• Fast service• reasonable prices

Beljay Roofing, Inc.407-367-9235

Licensed and Insured • CCC1328227


j{tà aÉà f{ÉÑ

Vintage, Shabby Chic, Home Decor, Furniture, Primitives, Americana,

~HISTORIC DOWNTOWN ST. CLOUD, FL~

1030 NEW YORK AVE, ST. CLOUD407-957-7715

Jewelry, Collectibles & Handcrafted.

BUY ONEGET ONEHand Crafted Halloween & Country Primitives

WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!

The Sleepy Passenger A flight attendant was on the red-eye to Manila

when a water leak developed in the galley, which even-tually soaked the carpet throughout the cabin of the747.

A very sleepy passenger who had become aware ofthe dampness asked the attendant, "Has it been rain-ing?"

Keeping a straight face, the attendant replied, "Yes,but we put the top up." With a sigh of relief, the pas-senger went back to sleep.

Speed of Learning Instructor: "Isn't it remarkable how quickly the kidslearn to drive the car?" Parent: "Yes, especially considering how slowly theycatch on to running the lawnmower and vacuumcleaner."

Recruiting Officer Dan Q. Baeitto“What’s the Q. for?” she asked.

Dan: Well, when I was born my father took one look atmy mother and said, “Mom, let’s call it quits.”

Son, if you really want something in this life, youhave to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson

Kindergarten Classes (Only 15 students per class)

VPK Morning 7:30am – 11:30am (Only 11 students per class)

VPK Afternoon 12:30pm – 4:30pm (Only 11 students per class)

Available weekly: Gymnastic, Piano, Creative Dance and Taekwondo

Home School Education in a Private School Setting!

NOW

ENROLLING!

Call: 407-891-0353 Visit our website: www.AcademyForKidsInc.com

2375 Canoe Creek Road, Saint Cloud

priVATE sCHOOL

GET MORE CUSTOMERS! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!” PAGE 19

Advertise in the Orange Peel Gazette and reach over 1 Billion Readers Each Issue!

(ok, so that might be a little high)

Call Today ~ 407-892-5556

Talented Hamster A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and or-

ders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't thinkyou can pay for it.

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have anymoney, but if I show you something you haven't seenbefore, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says, "Only if what you show meain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coatpocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster onthe bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs downthe bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps onthe key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. Andthe hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seenanything like that before. That hamster is truly good onthe piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bar-tender for another.

"Money or another miracle, or else no drink", saysthe bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again andpulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and thefrog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and greatpitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end ofthe bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 forthe frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hun-dred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runsout of the bar. The bartender says to the guy, "Are yousome kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? Itmust have been worth millions. You must be crazy."

"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Opee gazette says: Let’s play!Who Wants To Be A Zillionaire?

$478,000 Question...How many languages and dialects are spoken bypeople all over the world?A) 1,000 B) 4,000C) 6,000 D) 9,000 $479,000 Question...Approximately, how many people speak Chinese lan-guage?A) 1 billion B) 1 million C) 5 billion D) 5 million $480,000 Question...The language with the richest vocabulary is?A) Hindi B) FrenchC) English D) German $481,000 Question...English Language have more than ?? words?A) 450,000 B) 45,000C) 4,500 D) 450$482,000 Question...Which book has been printed in the maximum num-ber of languages and these scripts?A) Bible B) Hiraka SutraC) Super Book D) None of the above $483,000 Question...The oldest printed work in the world, which datesback to AD 868 is?A) Bible B) Hiraka SutraC) Super Book D) None of the above $484,000 Question...Who developed the small pox vaccination?A) Eduard Jenner B) Alexander FlemingC) Albert Einstein D) None of these$485,000 Question...Marco Polo traveled through...?A) Greenland B) Canada C) China D) Iceland

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $478 - D $479 - A; $480 - C; $481 - A; $482 - A; $483 - B; $484 - A; $485 - C.

THE GENER

AL

KNOWLEDGE

QUIZ 3


Your invited ...At Edward Jones, we believe financial education is an importantpart of achieveing your goals. That’s why we’re excited to inviteyou to our upcoming program. At this unique event, you’ll learnabout important investment strategies.presentation: Women and Investing presenter: Diane Donnelly MyersTitle: Regional Vice President Organization: Pacific Life-supported by Saybrus Partners When: not finalized Where: Kissimmee Bay Country Club,2801 Kissimmee Bay Circle, Kissimmee, FL 34744

Dinner will be served. Call Carol at 407-498-0147 to reserve your seat forthis event.

The investments in variable annuities are offered by prospectus. You should consider theinvestment objective, risks and charges and expenses carefully before investing. Theprospectus contains this and other information. Your Edward Jones financial advisor canprovide a prospectus, which you should read carefully before investing

Next to the Post Office

MKD-2742-A-A1 FEB 2011

Overdue Books While working in the library at a university, I was

often shocked by the excuses students would use to getout of paying their fees for overdue books. Oneevening an older student returned two books that wereway overdue and threw a fit over the "outrageous" $2fee that I asked her to pay.

I tried to explain how much she owed for each day,but she insisted she should be exempt. "You don't un-derstand," she blurted out. "I didn't even read them!"

Sherlock and the IRS A stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he

was being audited. He showed up at the appointed timeand place with all his financial records, then sat forwhat seemed like hours as the accountant pored overthem.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented,"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir ArthurConan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" replied the broker. "Because you've made more brilliant deductions on

your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made inhis entire career."

Small Town ..... You know you live in a small town when...

...The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is afarmer's combine.

...The local phone book has only one yellow page.

...Third Street is on the edge of town.

...You leave your jacket on the back of the chair inthe cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's stillthere, on the same chair.

...You don't signal turns because everyone knowswhere you're going, anyway.

...No social events can be scheduled when theschool gym floor is being varnished.

...You call a wrong number and they supply youwith the correct one.

...Everyone knows all the news before it's pub-lished; they just read the hometown paper to seewhether the publisher got it right.

•Spaghetti is the stringy food you wind around your fork and then drop in your lap.

Florida Hair Solutions, IncSpecializing in Laser Hair Removal & Electrology

Embarassed by Unwanted Hair?Discover a NEW YOU!

207 Park Place Blvd., Kissimmeewww.FloridaHairSolutions.com

MonthlySpecials

Call 407-436-2107 Donna Scott, LE, CME

FREE LASER TREATMENT(Valued up to $100 for all NEW patients)

Exp. 9/30/11 • Coupon Req.


Get your daily dose of

Laughs!

Dr. Opee says:

pick up a copy today!

O.P.G. CLASSIFIEDSCAL L 407-892-5556 TO BE L I S T ED ! ONLY $10.00 PER I S SUE !

EVENT PLANNING

DRYWALL

DECORATE

EMPLOYMENT

CONCRETE

COMPUTER BROKEN?

CARPET CLEANING

CARPENTRY

BUSINESS OPPTS.

BATHTUB REGLAZED

BATHROOM GRAB BARS

CLEANING

ACCOUNTING

ALTERATIONS

ANIMAL REMOVAL

•CHApMAN CONCrETE 30 Yrs. Experience in ALL Concrete Work

Comm. & res. FrEE EstimatesLic. & ins. 407-908-8870

•FrEENEY CONCrETE, iNC. Slabs, Driveways, Sidewalks, PatioAdditions, Block work. 35 yrs. exp.

Lic. & ins. • 321-624-3828

•DE-CLUTTEr, rE-OrgANiZE& rE-DECOrATE

Get help with a plan of action,Call a Professional Decorator.

reasonable rates 407-935-9991

•KArEN THOMpsON CONCrETE25 Yrs. Exp. – Driveways, patios,

sidewalks, etc. Lic. & ins.407-301-5947

•HANsEN CONCrETE, incAll types of Concrete & Masonry!

“No job to Big or too small”35 Years serving Central Floridares. & Commercial - Lic. & ins.

407-908-1867 – 407-891-5250

•sErVEVENTs planning, photography, Catering, Videography & Much Much More.

407-846-8851 servEvents.org

HANDYMAN

LEGAL SERVICES

LAWN SERVICES

GLASS

MOBILE HOMES

•TNT DrYWALL, iNCrepairs, remodeling, Textures, painting, Add-Ons & Enclosures

res. & Comm. 407-908-4542

•COMpUTEr HEALErs of St. Cloud. Expert Repairs Lowest Prices Guaranteed

2428 13th St. & Tennessee Avein the subway plaza

407-556-3992 - 407-346-8652•Computer repair & servicesNo Extra Charge for Evenings

Weekends & Emergencies Virus removal, Tune-Up & More

407-494-4Fix. Lic. & Certified

•ArE YOU gOOD AT sALEs? Are you honest, caring, have a professional image? if so…

WE NEED YOU!great commissions and bonuses.paid training. Bilingual preferred.

Call Tom 321-624-9508•Earn extra $ as a paid

Volunteer to benefit the Troops. Must have own vehicle. Call David

407-483-8952 – 321-746-9898•Computer

Technician WantedCyber Tex Computer

407-957-1996•Need a non smoker w/ cleaning experience. With a small reliable

car to clean homes locally.407-891-9086

•Home Health AgencySeeking Caregivers, CNA’S, HHA’S.

We work 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. Must be willing to

work different shifts and have dependable transportation.

Call 407-891-8884 for interview

•LOgAN CArpET CLEANiNg iNC.Family Owned and Operated

Serving Osceola County 20 yearsTruck-Mounted EquipmentCall for Cleaning Specials

407-344-9050 or 407-957-6775

•ELiMiNATE YOUr grOCErY & gAs BiLL

Ask me how. Call1-888-432-4978 Ext. 85

•start your own home based business for $98. Limited offer

Use this code: CL36073 to Unlock the secret. Call now

1-888-326-0751 ext. 153

•Award Winning Cleaning- res. & Comm. Flat rate starts at $55

Move in/out special $125 expires10-15-11 Lic & ins. 407-668-8189

•Bright Carpet Care Full service Carpet & Tile cleaner. Vehicle,

Flood, & Furniture Truck Mount unitCall Kevin for Special offer.

321-437-8603•iDEAL CArpET CArE iNC.

spECiAL: 3 rooms $55.Steam Carpet Clean & DeodorizingNo Hidden Fees! Truck Mount Unit

HUGE Carpet Sale $.61 Sq. Ft. 407-709-2362 CarpetCareFL.com

•LArrY W. sTOLTZFUs, CpAsaint Cloud, Florida

individual & Business Tax returnsAccounting and payroll services

407-873-6591 • [email protected]

•Tailor’s Corner – professional 20+ yrs. exp. Downtown st. Cloud

Tue-Fri. 10-6; sat. 10-41222 10th st. • 321-624-7015

•Humane Animal removal. Keeps Home and Pets safe. Low Rates.

HumaneAnimalRemovalTeamInc.com321-947-7134

•Watercolor class w/Brad BuckWednesday evenings 7 to 9 pM The NY Artist shop - st. Cloud.

407- 957-1583

•Al’s Junk Car pick-UpBuying Cars, Trucks & Vans

running or not. 24-Hr. serviceNo Title needed 321-402-8280

•BOB’s CArpENTrYFix-Up, remodel, Additions,

And Handyman.407-948-9203

AUTO

ART CLASSES

AIR CONDITIONING•ALL TEMp A/C • Comm. & res.$69.95 A/C Check-Up - Free Est.CAC 1814398 • 24 Hr. service

$10 off any Emergency call w/ adwww.AllTempAirConditioning.com

407-857-7800 •AVON! Need extra $$$?

Only $10 to start up! Call Dawn,Ind. Sales Rep. 407-479-7536

[email protected]•Experienced Hairstylist Needed

Must do roller sets & permsand more. Excellent to build a steady clientele. 407-414-7911

•Bartenders/CooksBanquet servers/stewartsHousekeepers/Houseman

Experience is a Must.great pay! paid Weekly!Vacation pay! Health ins.EOE-Call 407-472-4787 or

send resume today to:[email protected]

•$239.00 save Money, Change Colors, restore & Beautify.

5 Year Warranty Tubs, showers, sinks & Countertops, etc.

www.AllTubguys.comComm. & res. 321-438-9857

•sAFETY WiTHiN rEACHgrab Bars installed in Your Home

or Business. select from our variety of choices. 407-908-4542

•CAsH pAiD $225 AND UpFor junk cars and trucks

Any condition, running or not.FREE TOWING.

Same day pick up, no title needed.Call Kristen at 407-399-9977

HANDYMAN•swedish Home improvement,inc.

Painting, Remodeling, Flooring,Drywall repair, Fencing. Lic. / Ins.

407-738-5040 / 407-574-6529•Johnny’s Handyman

remodeling * Drywall * paintingConcrete * roofing

407-738-8918

•2/2 Mobile Hm. Adult park on Lakefront. screened in patio.

pool w/ new filter system. 2 lots w/ fruit trees. Concrete under all

fixtures. 12’ x 30’ shop. $50,000.407 892-6767 • 407 873-9250

•HANDYMAN rEMODELErpaint, Tile, Carpentry, Doors

Windows & restoration407-235-8388 Duke Massey

•BLADEs prO LAWN sErViCELocated in Saint Cloud

Res. & Com., Licensed & InsuredCall Yancy 407-620-4393

•giOrELLA’s LAWN sErViCEComm. & res. Free Estimates!Landscaping, sod, Lawn Maint.

Lic. & ins. 407-937-9494www.giorellasLawnservice.com

•gLAss rEpLACEMENTOsCEOLA gLAss

407-892-0841

DiVOrCEBANKrUpTCY

•starting at $65•• 1- signature Divorce

• Missing spouse Divorce• Mobile service • 1-888-376-7891

•sT CLOUD TrAiLEr-rV pArKsenior 55+ park, FOr sALE or rENT-TO-OWN. RV’s w/ add ons Reasonable lot rent. RV lot rentals

available. - Call Penny M-F 9-4407-892-6900 or 407-922-2274

Between Wyoming & Eastern AveOn Hwy. 192 in st. Cloud

•st. Cloud remodelssingle & Double Wides

rentals – Lease purchases407-957-7979

•MApLEs MOViNgFULL sErViCE MOViNg.

Supplies •Loading and Unloadinggary & Loretta 407-891-6427

MOVING

MUSIC

•piano •Voice •Audition Coaching Certified Music Teacher

Advanced Degrees 20+ yrs. exp. reasonable rates 407-433-7287

•piano Lessons in st. Cloud20+ years teaching experience

Reasonable rates.Call 407-556-3790

THE BEST CLASSIFIEDS! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!”PAGE 22

ADVErTisE HErEFOr ONLY

$10 pEr issUE!CALL 407-892-5556

TODAY!

ONLY $10 pEr issUEgETs YOUr

BUsiNEss Or sErViCE FOUND!

CALL 407-892-5556

RENTALS

Public Service Annc.

POOL CARE

PRESSURE WASH

TILE & GROUT•TiLE AND grOUT CLEANiNgCarpet and Furniture Cleaning

Logan Carpet Cleaning Inc.407-344-9050 or 407-957-6775

STAINED GLASS•AMAZiNg sTAiNED gLAss

Classes – supplies – Custom1022 10th st. in st. Cloud

407-957-9577

SCOOTER REPAIR•Electric scooter repair

AA scooter WorldWill Come to You

407-396-4100

TREE SERVICE•Trimming & removal, palm Tree Maintenance. De-Mossing Trees stump grinding. Land Clearing.

Debris and Hazardous Tree removal. For sale: Firewood,

407-TrEE-TOp TreeToppers,[email protected]

•TOM’s UpHOLsTErYAuto Headliners, Boats, RV’s etc.

1713 Eastern Ave, St. Cloud407-891-8276

UPHOLSTERY

WINDOW REPAIR

WEB DESIGN

•2 & 3 Bedroom CondosBest Location! Best prices!

Close to shopping & Lynx bus.starting at $695 407-931-2383•Affordable Apartments for 55+

Brand New in st. CloudCall 321-284-3054 ~ st.Anthony

garden Cts. Equal Housing Oppty.

•2 story 4/3 1/5 house, pool with Jacuzzi. Move in condition.

in remington close to everything. $1500/ mo. Call 407-908-4943

•Furnished room private entrance Utilities & Cable incl. W/D & Kit. privileges. Kiss-st.Cloud $300. 407-957-9860 – 321-805-0618

•$450/mo – 1/1 Apt, incl water$525/mo – 1/1 Duplex, carport

$650/mo -2/2 Dbl MH 55+Comm.$750/mo -2/2 Villa, Comm. pool

$900/mo – 2/2 Townhm, Harmony$1000/mo – 3/2 Home, pr, FM

$1200/mo – 4/2.5 Home, pr, FMCastlepropertyManagement.netCastle property 407-891-9810

rENTALs•1/1 Apt $475

2/2 Mobile $6752/1 Condo $7002/2 Home $8003/2 Duplex $800

2/1 Home $800 - Avail. Oct.2/2 Home $850 - New Listing!4/2 Home $950 - poinciana!

4/2 pool Home $1400 New Listing!Deese Mgmt. & real Estate, inc.

1006 pennsylvania AvenueOffice 407-891-2214

•spArKLiNg pOOL CArE, iNC.residential & Commercial service

and repair. pool resurfacing407-891-9406

•Osceola Memory Gardens FuneralHomes, Cemetery & Crematory cor-dially invites you to attend a specialworkshop: “ARE YOUR AFFAIRS INORDER?” Seating is limited. Reserve your seat today by calling Osce-ola Memory Gardens at 407-957-2511. Lunch will be complimentary.Luncheon Seminar 11:30 AM: Friday, October 14th.Buffet City4551 13th Street, St. CloudFor more info visit: www.Osceo-laMemGds.com

•BiLLY’s prEssUrE WAsHiNg1 story from $75. 2 story from $100.Look for the big checkered trailer.

Lic & ins. 407-709-5617

•get Your Website TodayFor your business or personal use

starting @ $200.Call 631-747-8990

WATERCOLOR CLASS•Watercolor Class, Tues & Wed

evenings with Brad Buck.The NY Artist shop - st. Cloud

407-957-1583

•Affordable Veterinary servicesspay / Neuter, & shots

www.pawsitiveAction.org407-803-3381

•gLAss rEpLACEMENTOsCEOLA gLAss

407-892-0841

PETS

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS•Heart of Adoptions Alliance, Inc. is a non-profit,

Florida licensed child-placing agency with funds avail-able to assist Osceola County birth mothers whochoose adoption. The funds are only available for birthmothers who reside in Osceola Co. and can pay for herhousing, food, utilities, toiletries, transportation,phone, maternity clothes, medical care and counseling.The caseworkers provide services and assistance tobirth parents interested in placing a child for adoption,assistance to adoptees searching for their biologicalfamily, assistance to adoptive parents pursuing inter-county adoption, & provide information and resourcesregarding foster care adoption. Info: 407-898-8280HeartOfAdoptionsAlliance.stc@gmail.comwww.HeartOfAdoptionsAlliance.com

•(6) Offices & Conference room~2500 SFH $1800 /Mo, + 7% Tax

$1800 Security Deposit. Tenant pays Electricity & Water

•(3) Offices & Lobby$850 Rent, + 7% Tax $850 Dep.Tenant pays Electricity & Water•(2 sites)Office & Warehouse

~12x14 Front Office & Warehouse on Back with Roll-Up Door.

CHA in Office Only.$700 Rent, plus 7% Sales Tax

$700 Dep. Tenant pays Electricity•(5) Offices & reception Area

~ 2000 SFH $850 Rent, plus pass-thrus. $850 Security Deposit

Tenant Pays All Utilities•Former salon & spa

Approx. 1600 SFH, Lobby/Reception, Large

Conference Area/Work Stations, (3) Offices/Massage rooms,

Extensive Plumbing, Kitchenette, Bathroom & Approx. (8) parking spaces.

$1650 Monthly Rent, plus 7% Sales Tax, $1650 Sec. Dep.

Deese Mgmt. & real Estate, incLicensees & rEALTOrs

407-891-2214PAINTING

•pete’s painting & pressure WashNO JOB TOO sMALLLicensed & insured

407-957-2862

THE BEST CLASSIFIEDS! - CALL THE ORANGE PEEL GAZETTE OF OSCEOLA COUNTY - 407-892-5556“THE HOTTEST LITTLE PAPER IN TOWN!” PAGE 23

OFFICE RENTAL RENTALS

Shutters • Draperies • Wood Blinds

Roller Shades • Honeycomb Shades

Sept. 15th Issue # 2

Documents

Transcript of Sept. 15th Issue # 2