Self-EsteemChapter 4

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Learning Objectives• Define self-esteem and explain its importance.

• Describe how childhood experiences affect self-esteem.

• Define self-expectancy and explain two ways to boost it.

• Explain why self-acceptance is important for high self-esteem.

• Explain how to change negative self-talk into positive self-talk.

• Explain how to handle criticism well.

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The Power of Self-Esteem

• Self-Esteem Confidence in and respect for yourself.

• Anxiety Generalized feeling of worry and nervousness that does not have any specific cause.

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Childhood Origins of Self-Esteem

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Support and Loneliness• Shyness Anxiety in social situations that comes from

worrying about what others think about you.

• Loneliness Sadness about being alone.

• Social Support Words and actions from other people that help you feel valued, cared for and connected to a community.

Emotional Support: trust, empathy, caring, love concern, and unconditional approval.

Instrumental Support: time, advice, information, money and labor.

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Coping and Avoidance• Coping Facing up to uncomfortable situations.

• Avoidance Unwillingness to face uncomfortable situations or psychological realities.

Common Avoidance Behaviors• Self-criticism• Making jokes about the situation• Becoming obsessed with work to avoid thinking about the problem• Escaping through activities such as shopping, TV, or sleeping• Venting unpleasant feelings without taking action• Abusing alcohol or other drugs

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Self-Talk• Self-Talk What you say or think to yourself about

yourself.

• Inner Critic The critical voice that bombards you with negative self-talk. Origins of the critic are negative messages you were given as a child.

• Role of the Critic Your inner critic hurts your self-esteem by repeating negative messages from your past.

• Labels A particularly damaging form of self-talk. Examples?

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Monitoring Negative Self-Talk• Stop Those Thoughts! Catch yourself whenever you

engage in negative self-talk.

• Focus Your Subconscious Mind on the Positive Example: Say, “I feel awake!” rather than “I don’t feel tired.”

• Use Affirmations Use positive self-statements that help you think of yourself in a positive, caring way. Examples?

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Criticism and Self-Esteem

• Criticism Any remark that contains a judgment or evaluation.

• Constructive Criticism Addresses specific behavior, does not attack you as a person, usually makes mention of positive points, and offers helpful suggestions for improvement.

• Destructive Criticism Usually an entirely negative opinion without any helpful suggestions to do things differently.

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Ineffective Styles of Handling Destructive Criticism

• Aggressive StyleCritic: “You painted that? It looks like a three-year-old did it.”

You: “You just can’t keep your mouth shut, can you?”

• Passive Style--very damaging to your self-esteem.Critic: “You did a terrible job on this report.”

You: “You’re right. I’m sorry I let you down.”

• Passive-Aggressive StyleCritic: “You look like you’ve put on weight.”

You: “I know. You’re probably embarrassed to be seen in public

with me.” Then “accidentally” spills coffee on the critic’s shirt.

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PROBING

Asking for specifics from a person who has given a general or vague criticism.

Critic: “I don’t know how you get through life being so lazy.”You: “Can you give me an example of my laziness?”Critic: “For one thing, you spend all weekend watching TV.”

Critic: “You messed up all the files when you reorganized the office.”You: “How exactly did I mess up the files?”Critic: “Nothing is in alphabetical order anymore.”

Critic: “You’re a slob.”You: “What makes you think of me as a slob?”Critic: “Just look at that sink overflowing with dishes.”

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Handling Destructive Criticism• Acknowledge Facts Agree with the specific part of

the criticism that you can honestly acknowledge to be true. This ends the criticism.

Critic: “You’re so lazy. You spend all weekend watching TV.”You: “You’re right, I spend a lot of time watching TV on the weekends, but that doesn’t mean I’m lazy.”

• Acknowledge Feelings If you truly cannot find anything to agree within the criticism, show the critic that you recognize the feelings that are motivating the criticism. This ends the criticism.

Critic: “You’re a slob. Look at that sink overflowing with dishes.”You: “I know you hate to leave dirty dishes in the sink. However, I

like to let them pile up and then do them all at once.”

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Responding to Constructive Criticism

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AssertivenessHandling criticism well requires the ability to standup for your rights without threatening the self-esteemof the other person.

Success Secrets• You have the right to be treated with respect.

• When you make assertiveness a habit, you increase others’ self-esteem for you and your esteem for others.

• Constructive criticism helps you improve yourself.

• Listen to constructive criticism, restate it, and then ask for suggestions.