Laura JacobPro Way Development

2/15/2013

Name

What brought you here today

Communication challenge / Desired outcome

Communication is important at work and home.

Everyone is asked to interact with more people (leaders, suppliers, co-workers, etc.).

Interactions are more demanding (e.g., ideas for improvement, problem solving, planning).

Handling interactions effectively affects how well you do your job.

Learn a model of communication focused on active listening

Know why effective communication is important in building relationships

Understand and demonstrate a model of communication and its three parts

Practice active listening to get at the true needs Ask useful questions to drill down to a deeper

level of response and to check for full understanding

Prevent misunderstanding and clarify what others say and mean

Brief glance into communications styles

How Misunderstandings Happen

Receiver

Message

Feedback

Room too hot/cold

Speaking too fast

Erudite Vocabulary Slang or Jargon

Visual

Distra

ctio

nsInterr uptions

Noi

s e

Speaki

ng

unclea

rlyAssumptions

Negative Reactions

Bia

ses

Sender

Tell

AskListen

DecideDecide

Decide

Listening is a skill To demonstrate you understand

feelings and thoughts From the other person’s point of view

Non-verbal, attending Active listening, verbal, paraphrasing,

in your own words Reflective listening, listening for what’s

behind the words, the meaning

Bolton, R. (1979). People Skills. Simon & Schuster: New York.

Brief statements of your understanding of speaker’s thoughts/feelings

Capture essence of speaker’s message and/or body language:

◦ Take it in ◦ Sum it up internally◦ Sort it out in your mind◦ Say it back in your own words

Focus on the speaker

Be brief and use empathy

Note the general content of the message and how it is said (body language and tone)

Focus on feeling words

Ask yourself: “What might I be feeling if it were me?”

Listening starters for what people are thinking◦ You’re wondering whether...◦ Your dilemma is whether to...or to...◦ Your point of view is...◦ You’re thinking that…

Listening starters for what people are feeling◦ You sound...◦ You feel...◦ You look...

What a change! I feared I wouldn’t get a promotion, but it came through. Our new home is just super. Marie and the kids seem more content then they have ever been.◦ You’re happy because things are going well

in all parts of your life.

My husband drives me crazy. First he says we’re doing fine and don’t have any financial worries. The next day he blows up when I buy something for the house.◦ You feel anxious because he is so

inconsistent.

“Yes” signals you have heard the speaker correctly

“Yes” counts if no new content follows “Yes” can also be:

“No” “Right” Nonverbal head shake

After “Yes” Listener decides where to go next in communication model

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________Verbal or Words?

________Vocal or Tone?

________Visual or Non verbal actions ?

Eye contact Open posture Sitting upright and forward Head nods Facial expression

Environmental◦ Choose an appropriate setting◦ Plan to talk when there is little chance of distraction/interruption

Verbal◦ Know what you want to communicate and say it clearly◦ Ask questions and repeat important information to be sure you

understand what the other person is saying◦ Listen carefully to what the other person says to you

Interpersonal◦ Set aside assumptions and biases to focus on what the other

person has to say◦ Be alert for possible differences in perception◦ Be flexible--if someone doesn’t understand your idea, try

expressing it differently (e.g., draw a picture or use an example).

Narrowing your eyes Rolling eyes Shaking your head Shrugging your shoulders Swishing your foot Playing with a pencil Looking critical Staring at person Bouncing leg Hanging head down

Frowning Drumming Fingers Withdrawing Sighing Slumping in chair Looking away Glancing at the desk Changing the subject Not moving Multi-tasking

Do any of these behaviors describe you when you listen?

Originates from an open mind and genuine curiosity

Allows speakers to reveal what’s most important to them

Invites speakers to do their own thinking Encourages speakers to self-evaluate their

own data

Second Level Inquiry

Drilling down to detailEstablish rationale (why,

how questions)Communicate thoughts &

feelingsOpen-ended questions

First Level Inquiry:

Surface level dataStructureClose-ended questions

Why?

How?

Feeling?

Who? What?When?

Close-ended Questions

Open-ended Questions

Leading questions◦ “Don’t you think...”◦ “Is that what really...”◦ “Didn’t you say...”

Contains advice◦ “Did you try...”◦ “Have you thought about...”◦ “Why don’t you...”

Leading and loading questions pulls the speaker off focus by filling questioner’s “need to know”

Explain the reasoning behind suggestions or opinions

Give data when helpful

Include your feelings and experiences when appropriate

Decide

Decide

Decide

AskingActive Listening

SharingSpeaking

Reflecting

QuestioningInquiring

Telling

• Before responding to a request you are unsure of, first e-mail your understanding of the request (reflect)

• Next, respond in relationship to your reflection

• Invite an accuracy check from the sender• If a message sounds hot or emotional, pick

up the phone or schedule a meeting

Assess

Plan

• What’s the goal of the communication/interaction?

• What do I know?

• What do I need to know?

• What do I want to happen as a result of the communication/interaction?

• Who needs to be involved?

• What do they need to know?

• What do they want to know?

• What barriers may exist?

• What info needs to be conveyed? (What’s the most basic takeaway?)

• What is the best channel?

• When is the best time to deliver the message?

• How much time is needed?

• Where should the message be delivered (watch for environmental barriers)

Surface Issue

Real Issue

Normal conversation starts here

Sometimes the normal conversation gets here

Reflection helps you get to the real issue efficiently and effectively

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Perceptions of others may prevent effective communication

We may label someone as difficult when in reality the person is simply different from you.

Understanding our behavioral style and communication patterns, as well as those of your employees, peers, and boss can help us build credibility in the workplace

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Assertiveness:

Are opinions state with assurance, confidence or force?

Is input given with declarations and attempts to direct others?

Expressiveness:

Are we perceived as expressing or holding back on expressing feelings?

Do we react to influences, appeals or stimulation with a display of emotions?

Do we displays emotions outwardly?

Less Assertive Behavior

•Softer volume of speech

•Slower pace of speech

•Less expressing of opinions

•Body posture is more back

•Fewer directive gesture

•Less eye contact

More Assertive Behavior• Louder volume of speech• Faster pacing of speech• More expression of opinions • Body posture is forward• More directive gesture• Longer lasting eye contactLess Expressive

Behavior•Fewer facial expressions•Less use of hands & body•Less oriented to people•More task oriented•More even pace of delivery•Less voice inflection•Less use of feeling words in describing things

More Expressive Behavior•More expressive facial expressions•More use of hands & body•More people oriented•Less task oriented •More varied pace of vocal delivery•More voice inflection•More use of describing things using feeling words than fact words

Controller Persuader

StabilizerAnalyzer

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Adjusting our style to someone else’s

Helps put them at ease

May increase the effectiveness of our interaction

Also called “flexing” styles

Doesn’t Matter Where You Live If you Know How to Travel…

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To be influential in a request

Making a critical presentation

The first time you meet a person

When there may be some stress or conflict

Addressing a customer problem or complaint

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Recognize the other style

Plan your flex (adjustment) both content and delivery

Do the “flex”

Use Active Listening

Evaluate how you did