Say it Loud and ClearThe Revision Process for Speech

Writing

Tudlo Mindanao 2011

Which Speech is Better?

“A pleasant good morning to everybody who has taken time out of his busy schedule just to celebrate the passing out of Dr. Rene Santos from service. Although this is a special occasion, a number of us have mixed up their emotions about it.”

Speech Mistakes: Diction

means “confused”!means “unconscious”!

unnecessary should be “everyone”

Speech Mistakes: OrganizationAs a mentor, Dr. Santos helped a bunch of people do their requirements and stuff to successfully pursue secondary education.

As an administrator perhaps Dr. Santos’ most significant achievement was able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building. As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked alongside each of us, arriving earlier than any of us here and extending even beyond office hours just to see everything falls into place, which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education program.

Speech Mistakes: Clarity

First of all, Rene, we are saddened by your passing away from this office but rest assure that we will always welcome your presence here. Let me take a simple quotation from the back cover of How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free that I would like to quote…

unnecessary repetition

Too negative for retirement speechconclusion?!

Giving a speech is hard. But why?Readers Listeners

See words on the page – they have the advantage of visual aids.

Can re-read words, sentences, paragraphs.

Can read at their own speed.

See punctuation, paragraphs, and other visual cues to help follow the structure.

Cannot see words. If the speaker does not speak clearly, listeners may not understand.

Only hear a speech once.

Depend on the speed of the speaker. If the speaker is too fast, listeners might not understand. If too slow, listeners might lose interest.

Must listen to the pauses and emphasis in the speaker’s voice for organizational cues.

First, a speech-writing cheat sheet!

…the honorable Dr. Rene Santos…

A pleasant afternoon to you all.

eminent

esteemed distinguished

acclaimedresolute

dedicated

I humbly take this opportunity to welcome you here. I extend a heartily word of welcome to those assembled.

A warm and sincere salutation to all of us.

Next, 4 Ways to Revise Speeches!

1. Mark word emphasis, pauses, and eye contact.

2. Remove unnecessary words. 3. Use active voice.4. Repeat sentence structure to organize.

1. Mark word emphasis

Notice the differences in meaning based on the emphasized word:Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santos’s career. Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santos’s career. Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santos’s career. Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santos’s career. Today we celebrate Dr. Rene Santos’s career.

Mark pauses, eye contact, gestures

Those of us who have to work into our eighties to acquire enough money to retire are green with envy. [pause] I shall end by quoting from How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free: "Retirement is the beginning of life, not the end!" We all know that the best part of your life is just beginning. With that, [eye] Rene, I wish you all the very best on behalf of all of us [hand gesture].

2. Remove unnecessary words

As an administrator, Dr. Santos’ most significant achievement was to be able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education program.

Prepositional phrases create wordinessWordy prepositional phrase Clear sentenceThe earnings of the supervisor with regards to salary is high. The manager's salary is high.

He is about to go to the store on account of a need of bread. He needs bread.

From the start, I was full of worry with regards to the illness of my father.

Originally, my father’s illness worried me.

A preposition is a word that shows the relationship between two things:I was in the houseI went from the hourseI lived at the houseI sat beside the houseI walked around the house

Count the prepositions

As an administrator, the most significant achievement of Dr. Santos was to be able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education program.

Count the prepositions

As an administrator, the most significant achievement of Dr. Santos was to be able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education program.

8 prepositions in 1 sentence!

Rewrite it, clearly!Original ImprovedAs an administrator, the most significant achievement of Dr. Santos was to be able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education Program.

Dr. Santos’ greatest administrative achievement was soliciting funds for a two-storey Special Education Program building.

38 words 16 words!

3. Use active voice

Passive: The adobo was eaten by the man.

Active: The man ate the adobo.

Passive: The letter will be mailed by Jennilyn.

Active: Jennilyn will mail the letter.

3. Use active voice

Passive: Thirty graduating classes were guided by Dr. Santos to successfully pursue secondary education.

Active: Dr. Santos guided thirty graduating classes to successfully pursue secondary education.

4. Repeat sentence structure to organize

As an administrator, Dr. Santos’ most significant achievement was able to solicit funds for the construction of a two-storey building which are now occupied by students with disabilities under the Special Education program.As a mentor, Dr. Santos guided 30 graduating classes to successfully pursue secondary education.As a colleague, Dr. Santos untiringly worked alongside each of us, arriving earlier than any of us here and extending even beyond office hours just to see everything falls into place.

4. Repeat sentence structure to organize

I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.I have a dream today.I have a dream that one day little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

--Martin Luther King, Jr. (August 1963)

Now Apply It!

In 3 groups, read the speech you are given and revise it with the following techniques:

1. Create clear, formal diction using at least 3 of the 50 speech phrases provided.

2. Mark pauses, emphasis, and gestures.3. Remove all unnecessary words4. Use active voice5. Use repetition and transitions to organize

Speech 1Our Principal, Dr. Rene Santos, graduates, parents, friends, and guests, good evening for all of us in attendance here on this tonight. Tonight you are a bunch of graduates celebrating and quite rightly so. Knowledge should be brought with but also an open mind should be brought. It's really cool if you are going to go to college because it will give you things and skills to make you a better employee and you will get more money and your family will be able to be supported. I’ve got a bunch of advice for you. You all should work hard in the future but do get your priorities right. Always have time for your families and friends. Take time to enjoy the beauties of nature and to care for them because without water and air our planet, and you, cannot survive. Enjoy the trip. Go on your journey armed with enthusiasm and curiosity. Open your hearts to your fellow graduates and they will surely open theirs to you. As they say, "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but dream; not only plan, but also believe."

Speech 2Dr. Rene Santos, our guest speaker for the night, administrators, teachers, students, guests, and to all assembled here, Good night. Tonight we have a bunch of important things to talk about, regarding the planned K+12 program that will be implemented eventually in our program even if some of us think it might be a bad idea and even if some of us feel that it might cause more problems that it solves. I personally think it’s a good idea, but don’t take my word for it. Tonight Dr. Santos will explain the things that will happen when the K+12 program is put into practice later on in this year because it is a good program even if some of us don’t think so. Dr. Santos will talk about a few things. There will be some discussion about rearranging teaching schedules to adjust for the new years of school. There will be more discussion about how hiring of teachers will happen. There will be discussion about how DepEd will be implementing curriculum competencies for the new levels. There will be discussion about how kindergarten classes will prepare students before for elementary school. Thank you. Here is Dr. Santos.

Speech 3Ladies and gentlemen, family members, friends, guests, welcome! Today is the retirement of the person of none other than Mrs. Sarah B. Alalid. It is her retirement day and we are gathered to wish him well in the future for awhile. Today, you see, Sarah is starting out on a new adventure. Hopefully she will now have more time for her family and to catch up with old friends and other stuff. It will be great for her to be able to say, "I will meet you on Tuesday" and know that she doesn't have to go to work that day. It will be even nicer to be able to sleep late a bit on a Monday morning. Whatever Sarah chooses to do we hope that she will enjoy good health and happiness and we hope too that she will have happy memories of her years at our school. Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses in a toast to Sarah. May her retirement be all she has dreamt of himself. To Sarah! Here’s a quote: “Retirement is the best gift. No gold watch could ever top it.”