Samurai Jones

Episode 1: Dream Bloke

By G K Wood

Script Type: TV sitcom (audience)

Version: 1.3

Synopsis: A Samurai warrior moves to Wales to track down her dream

apprentice. Unfortunately, her only clue is a name, and finding

the right Dave Jones proves much harder than she imagined.

E-mail: info@gkwood.co.uk

Copyright: 2018 G K Wood

1

1. INT. YOYO’S JAPANESE BASE – DAY

YOYO KENDO is a modern-day Samurai warrior. She is middle-

aged, full of beans and very positive, if a little naive at

times.

She speaks excellent English with a hint of an oriental

accent.

Her base in Japan is decorated in classic Japanese style

with paper screens etc., plus some exercise mats on the

floor.

Dressed in an embroidered gown, she is going through some

controlled SWORD MOVES as part of her morning routine.

There’s a KNOCK at the door of the room.

It’s the unique rhythmic knock of YOYO’s trusty assistant,

NELSON OKAI. He enters without waiting.

NELSON is also middle-aged with superb slightly-accented

English. He is very knowledgeable and cultured but prone to

pessimism.

YOYO KENDO

Ah, good morning Nelson! Big

changes today – we’re embracing all

things British, starting with the

language. You do speak English

don’t you?

NELSON OKAI

(He speaks a short sentence in

Japanese.)

YOYO

Well, yes, I suppose you could argue

that it’s a rather primitive

language.

NELSON

(He speaks a little more

Japanese, then the English word

‘to’, then he half-chuckles.)

YOYO

Well, yes, I suppose you could argue

that only a nation of half-wits

would have three spellings for the

word ‘to’.

2

NELSON

(He half-chuckles again.)

YOYO

But remember the old Samurai saying,

Nelson. If you can’t say anything

nice... you will die!

A swift flourish from YOYO, and a shriek, and the SWORD ends

up sticking out of a board on the wall, along with various

other knives.

She beams at NELSON.

NELSON

Point taken, master.

YOYO

Ah, English, excellent!

NELSON

Yes, for some reason, my Anglophile

parents decided that instead of

playing outside with my friends,

I should spend every spare moment

studying the most inconsistent

language in the entire world.

YOYO

Well, from my student travels, I

thought my English was good. But I

suspect yours may be vastly

posterior.

NELSON

(Pause)

Superior?

YOYO

Superior, yes! What did I say?

NELSON

That my English was like a massive

backside.

YOYO

Forgive me Nelson! You've just

proved beyond any doubt that your

English is the opposite of a massive

backside.

3

NELSON

(Sarcastic)

It's uncanny, master. That's

exactly what it says on my

certificate.

YOYO

And it'll be very handy on our trip

to Britain.

NELSON

Trip?

YOYO

Yes.

NELSON

Britain?

YOYO

Yes.

NELSON

(Gloomy)

Oh.

YOYO

Problem?

NELSON

Yes... British people are insane,

master. Illogical. England must be

the only country in history to

successfully wipe out racism, and

then formally re-introduce it.

YOYO

We’re not going to England.

NELSON

(Perking up)

Oh!

YOYO

We’re going to Wales.

NELSON

(Gloomy again)

Oh.

YOYO

No better?

4

NELSON

Not really. From what I can tell,

both countries indulge in a false

symbiosis based on the illusion of

mutual primacy.

YOYO

(Pause)

What?

NELSON

Well, the English are perpetually

delighted with themselves just

because their ancestors were quite

good at wars. While their

neighbours, the Welsh, are equally

pleased with themselves simply for

not being English.

YOYO

So everyone’s pleased, excellent!

NELSON

(Disparaging)

And then there’s the food.

YOYO

(Enthusiastic)

Oh yes! I forget the name but they

have this wonderful delicacy made

from a flour dough which is baked

then cooled then sliced, then cooked

again until crispy and served with

amazing condiments.

NELSON

(Pause)

Toast.

YOYO

Toast, yes!

NELSON

We’re going half-way round the

world... for toast.

YOYO

Not just the toast.

(grandly)

You see, last night, I had a dream.

5

NELSON

Me too. I got thirty-six for my

rhumba.

YOYO

Impressive!

NELSON

Thanks.

YOYO

However, I had the dream.

The apprentice dream.

NELSON

(Knowingly)

Ah.

YOYO

(Grandly)

I have dreamt my successor, Nelson.

I have seen him with my mind’s eye.

He lives in Wales. And his name...

is Dave.

To add a sense of oriental mystique, YOYO has picked up a

PERCUSSION HAMMER and she hits a small portable GONG about

30 cm in diameter.

NELSON

What are you doing?

YOYO

Oh, this is my new portable gong.

Adds a bit of drama at key moments.

Want a go?

She hands the hammer to NELSON and he hits the gong.

NELSON

I like it. Can I have one?

NELSON hits the gong again.

YOYO

No.

NELSON hits it again.

YOYO (CONT’D)

That’s enough.

NELSON hits it once again for luck.

6

YOYO (CONT’D)

Give me that!

YOYO snatches back the hammer.

NELSON

Sorry, master.

YOYO

So, what do you think about going to

Wales to find my apprentice?

NELSON

Perhaps you’re not aware, master,

but in Wales about half the men and

even some of the women are called

Dave... How on Earth are we going

to find your Dave in amongst them?

YOYO

Well fate must be smiling on us,

Nelson, because I also dreamt his

surname!

NELSON

Ah, good, so we’re looking for

Dave...

YOYO

Jones.

NELSON

Dave Jones... from Wales...

Is it too much to hope that you also

dreamt the first line of his address

and the postcode?

YOYO

Oh come on, Nelson, how many Dave

Joneses can there be in Wales?

2. INT. YOYO’S JAPANESE BASE - DAY

In a corner of the room, NELSON is tapping away on a laptop

COMPUTER while YOYO looks over his shoulder. NELSON gives

the enter key a decisive tap.

NELSON

Four thousand, three hundred and

twenty six.

7

YOYO

What?

NELSON

And that’s just on Facebook. It

could be twice that if we include

all the Dave Joneses who haven’t yet

succumbed to the Devil’s virtual

machinery.

YOYO

Hm. This is going to be more

challenging than I thought.

NELSON stands up to face her.

NELSON

Sometimes, master, when all the

implications are carefully

considered in the cold light of day,

what seemed like a good idea at the

time can start to look unappealing,

futile or even damaging.

In those circumstances, wouldn’t a

truly wise and courageous Samurai

step back from the idea, reassess,

and choose a different path?

YOYO

Nope.

NELSON

Oh.

YOYO

She would plough on with renewed

determination!

NELSON

But determination is often little

more than hope, master. The link

with success is a tenuous one.

I can be determined not to catch a

cold this winter, but it doesn’t

mean I won’t get one.

YOYO

Lock yourself in an air-tight box

and you will succeed!

NELSON

Lock me in an air-tight box and I

will die.

8

YOYO

Yes, but in otherwise perfect

health!... Determination is never

passive, Nelson. There is always a

way, but one needs to think outside

the box to find it.

NELSON

You just thought me into the box.

YOYO

Sometimes thinking outside the box

means thinking inside the box.

NELSON

Putting the box to one side...

and accidentally reversing over

it... what happens if tomorrow you

dream an apprentice who lives in the

next village?

YOYO

You know the apprentice dream only

happens once.

NELSON

(Resigned)

Yes, master.

YOYO

Nelson Okai,

(pronounced ‘Okay’)

you’ve been my trusty assistant for

what, twenty years now? Without

your support I would have been

greatly diminished. When a Samurai

nears the end of her working life,

the most important thing is to pass

that wisdom and experience to the

next generation. Please. Join me

on this final quest. Together.

NELSON

(Pause)

I would be honoured, master.

YOYO hands him the percussion HAMMER and bows slightly.

NELSON bows in return then hits the GONG and smiles.

9

3. INT. ON BOARD A JUMBO JET - DAY

YOYO and NELSON are sat next to each other on a British

Airways jumbo jet.

NELSON is by the window, gazing out, looking depressed.

YOYO has an I-PAD or similar on her lap.

The CAPTAIN is speaking over the tannoy. He or she has a

British Accent.

CAPTAIN (V.O.)

Our flight time today is eleven

hours fifty, and the weather in the

UK is currently overcast and chilly

at six degrees.

NELSON

(Sarcastic)

Huh! And there was me fretting

about which factor sun-cream to

take.

YOYO rolls her eyes. (NELSON was hard work on the way to

the airport.)

A STEWARD (either gender) appears carrying a tray loaded

with packets of PEANUTS.

STEWARD

Madam, sir, complementary peanuts?

YOYO

Oh, yes please!

The STEWARD hands YOYO two packets of peanuts and moves on.

YOYO (CONT’D)

Thank you.

(trying to excite him)

Look, Nelson, peanuts!

NELSON

(Sarcastic)

Can it be true? What joy. My grave

misgivings about this trip have

suddenly evaporated.

10

YOYO

(Losing patience)

Good! Because twelve hours of your

negative bleating would’ve been

torture, and they put my sword in

the hold!

NELSON

(Pause)

I’m sorry, master.

YOYO

I’m sorry too, Nelson.

NELSON

But I still don’t understand what

we’re going to do when we get there.

YOYO

Ah, we’ll I’ve made some progress on

that. I’ve found our Dave Jones!

NELSON

Really?

YOYO

Yes, look!

YOYO revives her I-PAD and shows it to NELSON.

NELSON

Hm. He’s not a typical warrior is

he?

YOYO

Looks can deceive, Nelson. I’m

convinced that there’s a man of

steel under that...

NELSON

Beige cardy.

YOYO

Yes.

NELSON

(Reading, unimpressed)

“Occupation: Software project

manager.”

YOYO

You see, he’s a leader!

11

NELSON

I wonder if he lulls his enemies to

sleep with a complicated

spreadsheet.

YOYO

Nelson...

NELSON

Then whips out a Gantt chart, and

gives them horrendous paper cuts.

YOYO

...my sword may be in the hold but

I can be pretty frightening with a

plastic fork.

NELSON

Sorry, master. You’re absolutely

sure this is the one?

YOYO

Here, look at this.

YOYO produces a SKETCH from inside her jacket.

YOYO (CONT’D)

I drew a sketch of my dream.

YOYO holds the SKETCH and the I-PAD photo of DAVE (wearing

his beige cardy), side-by-side. We see that they are

remarkably similar, including the background.

NELSON

That’s genuinely amazing!

YOYO

Thank you.

NELSON

And you definitely drew this one

(pointing at the sketch)

before you saw that one?

YOYO

(Caught out)

Well, time is a fluid concept, isn’t

it Nelson.

NELSON

No, it’s linear.

12

YOYO

(Dreamy)

Ah, but in which direction?

NELSON

Forwards.

YOYO

You’re missing the point, Nelson!

I feel in my heart that this is the

right one.

NELSON

Okay. Let’s assume that this really

is King Dave. How are we going to

approach him?

YOYO

We must be careful. If I simply

leap out of the bushes, hold a blade

to his throat and tell him he’s my

new apprentice, he’s very likely to

become aroused.

NELSON

(Pause)

Alarmed?

YOYO

Alarmed, yes! What did I say?

NELSON

Never mind.

YOYO

Anyway, there’s a piece of luck.

According to Dave’s profile, he lost

his job six months ago.

NELSON

Lucky Dave.

YOYO

So he’s looking for work. And we’re

going to start a software company!

NELSON

Are we?

YOYO

No. We’re going to pretend to start

a software company so we can invite

him for an interview.

13

NELSON

But we haven’t got an office.

YOYO

We can use one of our hotel rooms.

NELSON

Will they be large enough?

YOYO

Mine will be.

NELSON

Also, we know nothing about

software.

YOYO

We can easily bluff long enough to

get to know him. Your challenge is

to think of the perfect question

that cuts through to the heart of

his personality, and either confirms

that he is the one – or, in the very

unlikely event that he’s not the

one, exposes him as an imposter.

NELSON

Hm. Challenge accepted.

4. YOYO’S HOTEL SUITE - DAY

YOYO has secured a spacious room in a mid-range hotel in

central Barry, South Glamorgan.

She and NELSON have laid it out for an interview. There’s a

table with three chairs – two on one side, one on the other.

On the table are: DAVE’S CV, three water glasses, a few pens

and the portable GONG with percussion hammer.

NELSON finishes pouring the WATER while YOYO runs through a

mental checklist.

YOYO

Right, I think we’re ready!

NELSON hits the gong to underline this little milestone.

YOYO (CONT’D)

(Disapproving)

Thank you, Nelson.

14

NELSON

Sorry, master.

YOYO

Now remember, this is an interview

not an interrogation, so we must put

Dave at ease. Smile occasionally.

Adopt language that he uses.

NELSON

Yes, master.

YOYO

Good! So, what’s your killer

question? The complex insightful

gem that will reach into Dave’s soul

and tells us everything we need to

know?

NELSON

Well, it’s, er, ‘What’s your

favourite film and why?’

YOYO

(A disappointed pause)

This isn’t Celebrity Dimwit

Magazine!... Honestly, Nelson.

You’ve had a twelve-hour flight and

three days in South Wales and that’s

the best you could come up with?

NELSON

Well, what’s your favourite film?

YOYO

Mine?

NELSON

Yes.

YOYO

It’s probably Star Wars.

NELSON

Because...

YOYO

Because of the perennial struggle

between good and evil, the triumph

over adversity, and the fantastic

sword work with the light-sabres.

(a gasp of realisation)

It works!

15

NELSON

Apology accepted, master.

YOYO

Good work, Nelson!

NELSON looks at his WATCH.

NELSON

Of course, Dave’s first challenge is

to arrive on time.

YOYO

Yes, but remember that most people

would regard your views on

punctuality as rather extreme.

NELSON

It’s all about respect, master.

YOYO

Being on time is certainly desirable

but being half a minute late

shouldn’t be punishable by instant

death.

NELSON

That’s where we disagree, master.

NELSON checks his watch again.

NELSON (CONT’D)

He’s got five seconds. Four, three,

two, one.

There’s a KNOCK at the door.

YOYO

(Quietly victorious)

Yes!

As NELSON hurries towards the door he notices that there’s a

large vicious-looking KNIFE sticking out of the fire drill

sign (YOYO’s been practising).

NELSON points at it and gives YOYO a ‘why-did-you-leave-

that-there?’ look.

NELSON

(Calling)

Just a minute!

NELSON tries to wrestle the knife out of the door, but it’s

stuck and taking a while.

16

YOYO can’t resist a cheeky comment and a smile.

YOYO

You’re late Nelson... You’ll have

to kill yourself immediately.

Visual daggers from NELSON, and more wrestling. There’s

another KNOCK at the door, adding to NELSON’S stress.

YOYO (CONT’D)

But how convenient - you have a

knife!

Finally the knife comes free and NELSON chucks it in a

drawer. He opens the door and we meet DAVE JONES.

DAVE is a bit geeky, dressed in a suit that’s too small.

He’s in his late twenties and has a Welsh accent.

DAVE JONES

Oh, hello.

NELSON

Dave Jones?

DAVE

Yes, hi.

They shake hands.

NELSON

Hello, I’m Nelson Okai.

(pronounced ‘Okay’)

DAVE

Okay, Nelson.

NELSON

No, Nelson Okai.

DAVE

Okay, Nelson it is.

NELSON

No.

YOYO clears her throat meaningfully, and NELSON takes the

hint.

NELSON (CONT’D)

Never mind. I’d like you to meet

the CEO of Samurai Software, Miss

Yoyo Kendo.

17

NELSON motions DAVE towards YOYO. She hits the portable

GONG to underline this important moment.

YOYO

Dave Jones, welcome!

YOYO and DAVE shake hands.

DAVE

Wow! I like your little ding-dong

thing.

(referring to the gong)

YOYO

Thank you!

YOYO hits the gong again.

YOYO (CONT’D)

I know it’s a naughty habit but I’m

always playing with my ‘little ding-

dong’...

Especially when I’m alone and

there’s no one to slap my hand!

Nelson loves banging away on my

little ding-dong,

(to Nelson)

don't you.

YOYO is completely oblivious to her innuendos. NELSON looks

horrified. DAVE looks confused.

YOYO (CONT'D)

But I only let him have a go as a

special treat.

NELSON

Can I suggest that we skip past the

pleasantries as soon as humanly

possible?

YOYO

Yes, of course. Dave, please, take

a seat.

They all sit down.

DAVE

Thank you.

18

YOYO glances at the CV.

YOYO

So, I see you’ve had two software

project manager jobs. Can you

define software project management

for us?

DAVE

Well, it’s basically the management

of projects that deliver software.

YOYO

(Pause)

I can’t fault that, can you Nelson?

NELSON

No, I think that pretty much covers

the software side of things.

DAVE

Your website was down when I looked,

I was just wondering what kind of

software you do?

YOYO

What kind of software?

DAVE

Yeah.

YOYO

(Bluff time)

Er, well, we do a... a...

NELSON

(Helping out)

A range of software.

YOYO

Yes, a range of software.

DAVE

Ranging from...

YOYO

Er, various kinds of software at one

end. To, er, ... other kinds of

software at the other.

An awkward pause.

NELSON

What’s your favourite film?

19

DAVE

Film?

NELSON

Yes.

DAVE

Oh, gosh, it’s probably Star Wars.

YOYO

Star Wars! Excellent! Tell us why,

Dave. Is it the light-sabres?

DAVE

No.

YOYO

The struggle of good over evil?

DAVE

Not really.

YOYO

Oh. What do you like about Star

Wars?

DAVE

Well this might sound a bit strange,

but actually it’s the catering.

YOYO & NELSON

The catering?!

DAVE

When I see all those ranks of

perfectly aligned storm-troopers,

you know what’s going through my

mind?

YOYO

“What a bunch of useless plastic

bastards.”

20

DAVE

No, I’m thinking, “Someone’s had to

feed every one of those soldiers

this morning”.

Who ordered the food? Where’s it

grown? (You never see a field on

Star Wars.)

Where do they eat it? Is there a

nice canteen on the Death Star? Do

they come back for lunch?

Or is there a little compartment in

that white armour where they can pop

a sandwich for later?

Where does the waste go? Does the

Empire take recycling seriously?

Just keeping all those men alive is

an amazing feat of managerial skill,

and they do it day after day after

day!

YOYO

I’ll be honest with you, Dave. You

had me worried there for a moment.

But now I understand. You’re an

attention-to-detail man aren’t you?

DAVE

Yeah, I probably am!

YOYO

That’s an important and often

undervalued skill.

NELSON

Yes, people mistake it for being

tedious.

YOYO

They do. But one can only solve a

major problem by identifying and

solving the myriad minor problems it

comprises. This is positive!

DAVE

Of course, what they really need to

sort out on Star Wars is Health &

Safety... Can you imagine building

exposed walk-ways a hundred metres

up with only knee-high fencing?

21

NELSON

On a space-station called ‘The Death

Star’, yes.

YOYO

Come on Nelson, you can’t define

Health & Safety policy based on the

name of the venue. What if they’d

called it Darth Vader’s Happy Clappy

Love-Boat?

NELSON

I think it would’ve been a rather

different film if the Empire’s

deadliest weapon was the Happy

Clappy Love-Boat.

DAVE

(Glancing at his watch)

Oh gosh! This will also sound

strange, but I really have to pop

out for few minutes.

YOYO

I’m sorry?

DAVE

I meant to ask earlier, I’ve got a

very important appointment.

YOYO

What do you call this?

DAVE

Obviously this is too, it’s just

that I really need to see my, er,

mother. She’s not well, you see.

I just need to say ‘hi’, check she’s

okay.

YOYO

(Pause)

Your dedication to your elders does

you credit. Very well.

DAVE

That’s great, thank you. Oh, before

I go, could you just sign this form

please, to say that I’ve attended?

It really helps with the Job

Seeker’s Allowance.

DAVE produces a form.

22

NELSON

We’ll sign it when you return.

DAVE

Oh, okay. Okay.

(he’s confused about Nelson’s

name)

DAVE makes for the door.

DAVE (CONT’D)

Right, I’ll see you in about fifteen

minutes.

DAVE opens the door.

YOYO

Give your mother our regards.

DAVE

Will do!

The door closes behind him.

YOYO

Hm... I smell a fish, Nelson

NELSON

A rat?

YOYO

Yes, there’s something ratty going

on. Get your coat!

5. EXT. THE PARK - DAY

YOYO and NELSON are standing on a path by a HEDGE. NELSON

is peering over the top of the hedge, but YOYO isn’t tall

enough and has to rely on NELSON for updates, which she’s

finding frustrating.

During this scene a few random people amble by, all eating

CRISPS.

YOYO

So what’s happening? Tell me!

NELSON

(Pause)

Not a lot.

23

YOYO

(Sarcastic)

How incredibly helpful, Nelson!

Your sparkling words paint a picture

of a billion colours.

NELSON

Dave’s just sitting on a bench...

Hang on, there’s someone coming

over... Well, would you look at

that?

YOYO

(Impatient)

I would if someone had cut this

bloody hedge.

NELSON

They did an envelope swap.

Textbook!

YOYO

Do you think it’s his mother?

NELSON

Hm, I doubt it.

YOYO

How can you tell? Is it the age,

dress, accessories?

NELSON

No, it’s the beard... Quick, Dave’s

coming!

6. INT. YOYO’S HOTEL SUITE - DAY

Back at the hotel, DAVE has returned. He has just sat down

opposite YOYO. NELSON is standing up to the side.

YOYO

Welcome back, Dave.

DAVE

Thank you.

NELSON

How’s your mother?

DAVE

Oh. She’s fine, thanks.

24

NELSON

Without wishing to pry, is her

illness anything to do with post-

operative complications following

gender reassignment?

DAVE

(Confused)

No.

NELSON

How do you explain her massive beard

then?

DAVE

What?

YOYO

We saw you in the park, Dave.

What’s in the envelope?

DAVE

What envelope?

NELSON has quietly moved round behind DAVE and he swipes a

brown ENVELOPE from DAVE’S jacket pocket.

NELSON

This one.

DAVE

Hey! Give it back!

With a ‘whoosh’ sound, NELSON frisbees the envelope to YOYO,

who catches it effortlessly. She opens it and quickly looks

inside.

YOYO

Five hundred pounds.

DAVE

That’s mine!

DAVE starts to get up.

NELSON

Sit down!

DAVE sinks back into his seat.

25

YOYO

(Slower)

This is drugs money, isn’t it...

I think you owe us an explanation,

Dave Jones.

DAVE

(Sighs)

It’s my step-brother. He’s been a

dealer for years, but lately he’s

been forcing me to do these drops

for him. Any time of the day or

night.

YOYO

Do you profit from this?

DAVE

No, not a penny.

YOYO

Hm. You’re being exploited, Dave.

I don’t like this one bit. In fact,

I think Nelson and I should pay your

step-brother a little visit.

DAVE

Oh no, please don’t!

YOYO

We’ll be very discreet.

DAVE

You’ll make it worse!

YOYO

What’s his name?

DAVE

I don’t want to say.

YOYO

Where does he live?

DAVE

I don’t want to say that either.

NELSON

Could you at least give us Steve’s

phone number?

DAVE

Steve? It’s Richie.

26

YOYO

Richie!

DAVE

Damn! Look, I know I’ve mucked this

up. I’d better go.

DAVE gets up to leave.

YOYO

Dave, wait! There’s an ancient

Samurai saying:

Run away in haste... smack into a

bus... Well, I think it was ‘horse’

originally.

DAVE

Can I have my money back please?

YOYO considers this, then hands DAVE the envelope.

DAVE (CONT’D)

And if it’s not too cheeky, would

you mind signing this now?

DAVE offers YOYO his Job Seeker FORM but NELSON snatches it

from his hand and studies it briefly.

NELSON

“If you have decided not to offer

the candidate a job, please tick the

reason why”.

Ooh, there’s never a box that quite

fits is there. Let’s see:

“Because he was late.” No.

“Because he was inappropriately

dressed.” No.

(then pretending to have spotted

the perfect box)

Oh! “Because he popped out to sell

some illegal drugs and lied about it

before and after!” Tick!

NELSON grabs a PEN from the table.

YOYO

Leave that part blank, Nelson.

No decision’s been taken yet.

27

NELSON scrawls a hasty signature and hands the form back to

DAVE.

DAVE

Thanks, Okay.

DAVE heads for the door.

YOYO

We’ll be in touch.

DAVE opens the door.

DAVE

Bye.

The door closes behind him.

YOYO

Well, Nelson... we face an uphill

struggle. A brick wall.

A skyscraper. A Mount Everest!

I’m optimistic by nature, but surely

finding this Richie from a first

name alone will be completely

impossible!

NELSON turns over the CV and points at part of it.

NELSON

Look, master. In the Referees

section. Richie Morgan.

YOYO

(Pause while she looks too)

Brilliant!

NELSON

Only a phone number though.

YOYO

We’ll phone it after elevenses. As

customers.

(trying to be cool)

You and I are going to score

ourselves some seriously good poo.

NELSON

(Pause)

You’ve never bought drugs before,

have you master.

28

YOYO

Never!

7. INT. YOYO’S HOTEL SUITE - DAY

The room has been rearranged with fewer chairs. YOYO and

NELSON are sitting at the table.

On the table is a CONFERENCE PHONE, a bowl of some SNACK

that we can’t quite see, and the EMPTY PACKET they came

from. YOYO and NELSON are both peering into the bowl.

YOYO

What are they?

NELSON

Well I asked Reception for some

quality nibbles and they produced...

NELSON reads the empty packet.

NELSON (CONT’D)

’Monster Munch’... I can only

assume it’s some local delicacy.

YOYO goes to pick one up.

NELSON (CONT’D)

Wait, master. If one of us is going

to die, it ought to be me.

NELSON eats a MONSTER MUNCH and winces. It’s really not his

thing.

NELSON (CONT’D)

I’m not even convinced it’s food but

I don’t think it’s poison.

YOYO eats one.

YOYO

Mm. Delicious! Right, let’s phone

the step-brother.

YOYO puts the phone into loudspeaker mode. During the

following exchange she dials RICHIE’s number from the CV.

NELSON

Are you sure about this, master? It

could be the shortest call in

history if you phone a drug dealer

and ask him for a bag of poo.

29

YOYO

Well I won’t do that. But if I come

across as a bit naive it might work

in our favour. I’ll seem

unthreatening.

The phone emits the ringing tone. It’s answered by RICHIE

MORGAN who’s in his late twenties and has a Welsh accent.

RICHIE (V.O.)

Hello.

YOYO

Oh, hello, is that Richie?

RICHIE (V.O.)

Who is this?

YOYO

I was given your number by a friend.

I’d like to buy some... stuff.

YOYO gives NELSON a thumbs-up - she’s handling this

beautifully.

RICHIE (V.O.)

What kind of stuff?

YOYO

You know, weeds.

NELSON

(Quietly)

Weed.

YOYO

Weed!

RICHIE (V.O.)

How much do you want?

YOYO

Oh, I don’t know, a kilogram?

RICHIE (V.O.)

A kilo?! Are you having a laugh?

YOYO

Sorry, I’m new to this. I’m going

through a rough time and I just want

to get completely pebbled.

30

NELSON

(Quietly)

Stoned.

YOYO

Stoned!

RICHIE (V.O.)

I’ll give you ten grams. Eighty

quid.

YOYO

Eighty? For ten grams. That sounds

a lot compared to...

YOYO looks down at the Monster Munch.

YOYO (CONT’D)

Crisps.

RICHIE (V.O.)

Well get off-your-tits on crisps

then.

YOYO

No, wait! Don’t go! Sorry. Eighty

it is. Where shall I meet you?

RICHIE (V.O.)

Flat sixteen, Wenvoe Heights, eight

o’clock tonight. Alone!

RICHIE hangs up and YOYO switches off the phone.

YOYO

You’d think at that price one would

get some level of customer service.

No click-and-collect, no delivery

slot, no confirmation e-mail.

NELSON

I think it may be wise, master, to

prepare yourself for the possibility

that it might not be gift-wrapped

either.

YOYO consoles herself with another Monster Munch. She

offers the bowl to NELSON, who recoils.

31

8. EXT./INT. OUTSIDE FLATS / RICHIE’S LOUNGE - EVENING

It’s getting dark. YOYO and NELSON are moving silently

along an external second-floor walkway in a block of rather

gloomy flats.

YOYO is wearing her Samurai gown and her SWORD is in a

sheath hanging from her belt. They reach flat number 16.

YOYO motions with her eyes and NELSON moves to the hinge

side of the door so he would be unseen when it opens.

NELSON

(Whispering)

Be careful master, he’s probably

armed.

YOYO rings the DOORBELL, and grins at NELSON.

YOYO

(Whispering)

So am I.

YOYO makes sure her sword can’t be seen from the door.

The front door opens slightly before catching on the

security chain.

RICHIE peers through the gap. He’s a nasty-looking piece of

work in a denim jacket or similar.

RICHIE

What do you want?

YOYO

(Innocent and meek)

Oh hello, I phoned earlier.

RICHIE

Oh yeah, you wanted a bag of compost

or something. Show me the money.

YOYO

Can I come in please? I don’t want

to be seen.

RICHIE

Are you alone?

YOYO

Of course.

RICHIE closes the door, unhooks the security chain and

starts to open the door again.

32

YOYO and NELSON seize the moment and burst through the door,

knocking RICHIE backwards into the middle of his lounge.

The room has a large black ‘lazy-boy’ CHAIR (strewn with

several empty crisp packets) pointing at a big TV.

A READING LIGHT on a flexible stand hangs over the chair,

and there’s a TV REMOTE CONTROL on a coffee table.

Pride of place in the corner is a life-size POTTERY

SCULPTURE of a DOBERMAN or other vicious dog.

RICHIE

(Panicked)

Hey! What’s going on! Who are you?

YOYO

I’m Yoyo Kendo and this is Nelson

Okai.

NELSON

Good evening.

NELSON shuts the door behind them.

RICHIE

Get out!

RICHIE pulls out a six-inch KNIFE from his jacket and waves

it threateningly.

YOYO chuckles at it, shares a glance with NELSON then

unsheathes her three-foot Samurai SWORD.

RICHIE (CONT’D)

Holy Jesus!

YOYO points the sword at RICHIE’S throat.

YOYO

Put your little butter-knife down,

there’s a good boy.

RICHIE drops the knife and YOYO kicks it away.

YOYO (CONT’D)

Now sit down, answer our questions

honestly, and a number of your

possessions can stay in one piece.

YOYO glances round the room.

33

YOYO (CONT’D)

Such as your enormous TV, your

hideous pottery dog... and your

neck.

RICHIE backs himself into the lazy-boy chair. YOYO moves

forward to keep the sword close to his throat.

NELSON switches on the reading light and points it in

RICHIE’S face. It’s becoming vaguely reminiscent of

‘MASTERMIND’.

RICHIE

You don’t get this sort of shit from

John Humphrys.

YOYO

Are you a drug dealer?

RICHIE

Sort of.

YOYO

(Angry)

What do you mean ‘sort of’!

RICHIE

(Scared)

Yes I’m a drug dealer!

YOYO

Do you have a step-brother?

RICHIE

Yes.

YOYO

What’s his name?

RICHIE

Dave.

YOYO

Does he deliver drugs for you?

RICHIE

Yes.

YOYO

How much do you pay him for a

delivery?

34

RICHIE

Fifty quid.

YOYO

What?

RICHIE

Fifty quid.

YOYO

I want the truth, or the remote

control gets it!

RICHIE

It’s fifty quid, honest! He’s

skint, and I trust him, so it’s

better to pay him fifty quid, than

pay someone else twenty and have

them nick the drugs.

YOYO

(Angry)

One of you is a liar!

With a swift stroke of the sword, YOYO slices the REMOTE

CONTROL in two.

RICHIE

Hey!

NELSON

Master, I suspect Richie is telling

the truth.

RICHIE

I am!

YOYO

How can you tell?

NELSON

Well, it’s highly likely that Dave

is skint. He’s been unemployed for

months, and remember how keen he was

to keep his Job Seeker’s Allowance?

It might also be relevant that when

Dave assured us he was innocent, you

weren’t holding a Samurai sword to

his throat.

35

YOYO

That’s true. Life is so damned

inefficient isn’t it? I’m quite

tempted to hold a blade to the

throat of everyone I meet, just to

make some bloody progress.

NELSON

So I suspect that Dave is the

liar...

RICHIE

(Interrupting)

Bang on! Everything this guy says

is exactly right!

NELSON

...while Richie here is simply a

blob of ill-mannered parasitic pond-

life who ought to be in prison.

RICHIE

Nearly everything.

YOYO

Okay, good! Have you got all of

that on your phone, Nelson?

NELSON produces a SMART-PHONE from his inside pocket. He

taps it a couple of times, and we hear a tinny recording of

RICHIE saying “Yes. I’m a drug dealer”.

YOYO (CONT’D)

(Bright and breezy)

Right, well we’ll just pop along to

the police.

YOYO feeds her sword back into its sheath.

YOYO (CONT’D)

Enjoy the rest of your evening!

Free to move again, RICHIE reaches down behind a cushion on

his chair and pulls out a GUN with a SILENCER attached.

RICHIE

Not so fast! Give me the phone!

36

YOYO

(Patronising)

Oh Richie, don’t be stupid. You’ve

not thought this through have you?

If you shoot us, you’ll be a

murderer, there’ll be blood all up

the wall and you’ll go to jail for

the rest of your life.

RICHIE

Give me the phone!

YOYO

Also, I think that gun’s a fake.

RICHIE

Well you’re blind or thick then.

NELSON

(Quietly)

It looks pretty real to me, master.

RICHIE

Want me to prove it?

YOYO

Yes. Shoot the television.

RICHIE

What?

YOYO

We’ll do you a deal. Shoot the TV,

and if it shatters, we’ll give you

the phone.

RICHIE

All right, you’re on.

YOYO

Watch this, Nelson.

RICHIE shoots his TV with his very real gun, and the TV

EXPLODES.

NELSON

(Pause)

As I was saying, master, I think

it’s probably real.

RICHIE

(Triumphant)

Now who’s the stupid one, eh?

37

YOYO

Well, let’s see. Of the three of us

in the room, which one has just

blown up his own TV?

RICHIE

Shut up and give me that phone NOW!

RICHIE thrusts the gun at NELSON’S forehead.

NELSON

(Scared)

What shall I do, master?

YOYO

Well, when faced with greater fire-

power at close range, traditional

Samurai doctrine would have us

concede in order to survive, re-

group, and fight another day.

NELSON

(Increasingly stressed)

I’m loving the history lesson,

master. But I’m finding the

prospect of a nine millimetre hole

in my frontal cortex slightly

distracting... So perhaps just cut

to the chase and tell me your

doctrine!

In a flash, YOYO whips out a can of PEPPER SPRAY from her

robe and squirts it in RICHIE’S eyes.

RICHIE

Aaaarrgghhhhh!

YOYO

Pepper spray!

RICHIE is wailing and frantically rubbing his eyes with one

hand, while trying (unsuccessfully) to keep the gun pointing

at them with the other.

YOYO (CONT’D)

It’s brilliant stuff. He’ll be

blind and disorientated for a good

few minutes.

RICHIE

Where are you, you Chinese

bastards?!

38

YOYO

Japanese bastards, thank you very

much!

(to Nelson)

You see, he’s clueless. No idea

where we are, and no way of knowing.

NELSON

Unless we speak.

YOYO

Unless we speak. Yes, good point.

RICHIE is still clutching his eyes but he’s stopped wailing

and (thanks to YOYO’S careless chat) he’s now pointing the

gun directly and steadily at YOYO and NELSON.

YOYO (CONT’D)

Stop speaking, Nelson.

A tense moment. YOYO and NELSON exchange a glance and then

leap towards the door just as RICHIE pulls the trigger.

The pottery DOG EXPLODES.

RICHIE

Oh, not the Doberman!

YOYO

Trust me, it’s an improvement.

NELSON

Shut up, master!

YOYO and NELSON fling the door open and sprint out, slamming

the door behind them.

RICHIE lets out a final frustrated wail and hurls his gun at

the door after them.

9. INT. YOYO’S HOTEL SUITE – EARLY EVENING

YOYO is slumped in one of the two armchairs, looking

depressed. On the coffee table there’s a TV REMOTE CONTROL,

and a copy of ‘RADIO TIMES’ magazine lying open at the

Saturday page.

There is a KNOCK at the door. It’s NELSON’S special

rhythmic knock.

39

YOYO

(Gloomy)

It’s open.

NELSON enters and closes the door. He walks over to YOYO,

looking concerned.

NELSON

(Sympathetic)

Come on, master, you’ve been like

this for two days now. Why don’t we

watch some TV?

YOYO

There’s nothing on ‘til later.

NELSON

I could order you the finest Welsh

cuisine from room-service?

NELSON picks up a MENU card and glances at it, unimpressed.

NELSON (CONT’D)

Something called a ‘cheese

toastie’... You’d like it.

YOYO

(Manages a weak smile)

I’m not hungry.

NELSON

Oh.

YOYO

I just don’t understand it, Nelson.

I was sure Dave was going to be the

right Dave. I can’t remember the

last time I got something so

monumentally wrong.

NELSON

Oh that’s easy, it was the gun.

YOYO

Are you helping?

NELSON

Not really... On the plus side, can

we go home now?

40

YOYO

(Slow and sombre)

How can I go home without my

apprentice, Nelson? I must continue

the search. But if you really want

to leave...

There’s a KNOCK at the door. They freeze momentarily in

case this is a consequence of the encounter with RICHIE.

NELSON moves quietly to the door and peeks through the spy-

hole.

NELSON

Oh!

NELSON opens the door to reveal DAVE. He’s in casual gear

and is holding an unbranded plastic CARRIER BAG containing

something about the size of a loaf of bread.

YOYO

Dave?

YOYO gets to her feet as DAVE walks in. NELSON closes the

door.

DAVE

Hiya. Sorry to bother you on a

Saturday.

YOYO

No, come in.

DAVE

I, er, came to apologise. For not

being honest with you the other day.

YOYO

Apology accepted.

DAVE

The police came round.

YOYO

Ah. Yes, I thought they might.

DAVE

But because I was just a delivery

boy, they let me off with a caution.

YOYO

Did they arrest Richie?

41

DAVE

No, they missed him. He’s gone into

hiding.

YOYO

Damn!

DAVE

But I’m really glad he’s gone and I

just wanted to say thank you.

An idea is forming in YOYO’s mind.

YOYO

Well, well, well. Attention-to-

detail, humility, and atonement.

This is very promising, don’t you

think, Nelson?

NELSON

Punctual too.

DAVE

No one’s ever stood up for me like

that before. You must be so brave!

YOYO

Actually, Dave, I have a little

revelation of my own. I’m not

really a software boss. I’m a

Samurai warrior.

DAVE

(Thinks she’s joking)

Yeah, and I’m Katherine Jenkins!

YOYO produces a KNIFE from inside her robe, shrieks, and

flings it powerfully at the door where it sticks into the

fire drill notice again. DAVE is immediately convinced.

DAVE

Wow!

NELSON sighs, and struggles to waggle the knife out of the

door. (We see that the fire drill notice now has lots of

gashes in it.)

YOYO

And I’m not looking for a project

manager, I’m looking for an

apprentice. And after careful

consideration, I’d like to offer

that position to you, Dave Jones.

42

DAVE

(Amazed)

Bloody hell!

YOYO beams. NELSON is now standing by the portable GONG,

ready with the percussion HAMMER.

NELSON

Master?

YOYO

Hit it!

NELSON hits the GONG enthusiastically, three times.

DAVE

But I can’t take it.

NELSON silences the GONG.

YOYO

What?!

DAVE

I accepted a job this afternoon.

YOYO

But you’ve been unemployed for six

months!

DAVE

All down to Richie, I think.

He promised to give me glowing

references, but whenever an employer

phoned him, all they got was a nasty

surprise.

YOYO

Eighty quid for ten grams!

DAVE

No, I mean he was turning employers

against me.

NELSON

To keep you trapped as his delivery

boy?

DAVE nods.

YOYO

(Slowly)

What a little turd!

43

DAVE

But thanks to you, Penarth Events

Limited couldn’t get hold of him, so

they offered me a job anyway!

YOYO

Oh forget that job, Dave. I’m

offering you strength, dexterity,

wisdom, power! And if you do

well... it could lead to beheadings!

DAVE

It sounds amazing. And really handy

on a night out in Cardiff...

But I’ve been offered Catering

Manager... It’s my dream job,

I can’t wait!

YOYO pauses to reflect that this really is a better option

for DAVE. She smiles.

YOYO

Good for you, Dave.

DAVE smiles back. YOYO steps forward and, bowing slightly,

she shakes his hand.

NELSON then shakes DAVE’S hand.

NELSON

Good luck.

DAVE

Thanks, Okay.

(he’s still confused about

Nelson’s name)

Oh, I nearly forgot, this is a

little thank-you.

DAVE hands the carrier bag to NELSON.

DAVE (CONT’D)

You’re obviously sophisticated

people so I’ve played it safe and

gone classy.

NELSON peers into the bag.

NELSON

That’s not... Monster Munch?

DAVE

Multipack. Every flavour!

44

NELSON

(Faking politeness)

Dave, I can’t begin to thank you.

DAVE

I know. Bit of a treat! Bye then.

YOYO & NELSON

(Ad-libbed goodbyes)

DAVE leaves, NELSON throws the bag to YOYO (who looks

pleased with it) then closes the door. They go to sit down

in the armchairs.

YOYO

(Refreshed)

Well, a little balance has been

restored to the universe, Nelson!

Though I wish I’d relieved Richie’s

shoulders from the burden of his

grubby neck... He’ll just ply his

rotten trade somewhere else won’t

he.

NELSON

At the very least, you’ve forced him

to buy a new TV.

YOYO

(Smiles)

So, how can I persuade you to stay?

NELSON

Oh it would take something pretty

special, master. Some concrete

evidence that the Welsh temperament

favours artistic endeavour, self-

improvement and fellowship over

drugs, crisps and casual violence...

And we’re not going to find that in

a hurry, are we.

YOYO has an idea. She glances at the RADIO TIMES and then

at her WATCH. She smiles and turns on the TV with the

REMOTE CONTROL.

YOYO

(Grandly)

Seek, my friend, and we shall find.

We hear the TV ANNOUNCER.

45

TV ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And now on BBC One Wales, Strictly

Come Dancing!

NELSON

(Suddenly interested)

What’s this?

The opening titles of ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ start to play

on the TV.

YOYO

(Casually)

Oh, just the most popular show in

Wales.

NELSON

(Loving it)

I suppose I could stay a tiny bit

longer.

YOYO

(Quietly victorious)

Yes!

YOYO hits the GONG, right on the beat of the ‘Strictly’

music.

THE END

COPYRIGHT 2018 G K Wood