THE BOOK OF MARY: DIARY OF AN ADDICT Anthony Zurlo, Editor

Releasing as an ebook in December 2011

THIS EXCERPT REPRESENTS 18% OF THE COMPLETE BOOK

Publisher’s Preface

A box of miscellaneous items, contents unknown, is purchased at an estate sale. At the bottom of the

box are journals covering the period 1986 to 1993. They have been written by a woman named Mary

living in the northeast United States. Mary is 32 at the date of the first entry. She has a very young

daughter, with health problems, whom she is raising and loves dearly.

During the roughly 6.5 years covered by the journals, Mary struggles with drug addiction, has a few brief

part-time jobs, periodically works as a prostitute, has her fourth abortion, maintains relationships with

several men, and is HIV-positive. The writing is raw and honest and profane and vulgar and full of tragic,

fleeting, unfocused hopes and tissue-thin plans to improve her life.

After the last journal entry, dated April 1993, we have no more information about Mary, except this:

Social Security records reveal that she died in 1997, her address at time of death listed as Unknown. Her

parents are dead, and her daughter cannot be located.

Anthony Zurlo was at that auction. As he later read Mary’s journals, his heart was broken at the

hopelessness he saw in its pages. Your heart may be broken as well. But Anthony also saw a version of

his own life in Mary’s challenges. It is, in fact, a version of all our lives as we struggle daily to resist the

habits, desires, and thought patterns that come so easily but do such damage.

Anthony has transcribed the journal writings faithfully—including misspellings; various errors and

oddities; and entries that are undated, misdated, or were apparently written in random blank spots and

thus appear out of order—with the following exceptions:

Names and initials in the journal have been changed, except for Mary’s first name.

Profanity and vulgarity have been replaced with ____.

Accounts of sexual encounters have been omitted, with the omissions noted.

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Also not reproduced here are many clippings pasted or slipped into the journals, mostly from magazines

and primarily pertaining to fashion, drug use, sexuality, movies, and TV.

Anthony has also written an introduction and a conclusion, and at three points in the journal has added

observation and commentary on Mary’s life, the nature of hope, and the many ways in which all our

lives are not so unlike hers.

Fair warning: Your brain will probably fill in some of the rough language represented by blanks. Please

understand that before you decide to read The Book of Mary: Diary of an Addict.

Author’s Introduction

And they lived happily ever after.

Why do so many fairy tales end with this? We read a story of trial and trouble, or love and loss, or

struggle and victory, and then everything wraps up in a tidy package. We are left with a happy world

free of trouble, struggle, and pain. But biographies don’t end this way. History books certainly don’t.

Only fiction.

This book has at its foundation a truth that most of us put a lot of energy into ignoring. We spend most

of our lives running and hiding from it. When we do catch a glimpse, we usually reject it or react in

anger. I want to pull back the curtain and reveal some essential things about life in a world that, we have

to admit, is an astonishing mix of good and bad, beauty and tragedy, love and hate, pleasure and pain.

Producing this book has been the saddest but possibly the most honest thing I have ever done. When I

first read Mary’s journals, I wept. I couldn't believe the life that was unfolding before my eyes, yet I

couldn't deny it either. Some sections still make me tear up. For a while I had hoped against hope that

Mary might still be alive. Finding out she isn’t has affected me deeply.

I offer what follows in the hope that the truths glimpsed in Mary’s life might help others.

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THE BOOK OF MARY

September 1986-November 1988

Inside Front Cover

THE DOORS TO HEAVEN AND HELL ARE ADJACENT AND IDENTICAL. Dirt is matter out of place. [sexually explicit quote omitted] Procrastinating is my sin; it brings me endless sorrow. I really must stop doing it. In fact I'll start tomorrow! Take care of all your memories for you cannot relive them. Life is a Jigsaw puzzle with most of the pieces missing. Women were made for pain and poverty.

Undated entry, first page

SCORPIO Blood Red is your color. Your motto— "I create." PASSION CONTROL SECRECY JUSTICE POWER Symbol—sscorpion Planet—Pluto Herb—Deadly Nightshade Lucky #—9 Flower—Lilac Stone—Malachite Body and Health—[sexually explicit comment omitted.] Though you generally have a strong and robust body, you are particularly susceptible to epidemics, drunkenness, drugs, venereal diseases, hernias, syphilis, prostate diseases, colitis, bladder disorders, nose disorders, and piles. Career and Money—Money is power and you know it. Of no importance in itself, money is a means to an end, a challenge to your strength. You have the most patience to sacrifice present indulgences for future rewards. You are driven and shrewd and highly focused. Love and Sex—Often known as the sexiest sign in the Zodiac, Scorpios love and hate with equal fervor. You require a great deal of fidelity to feel certain of the value of a relationship and you can be made possessive. Often the victim of passion, you sometimes feel burdened by your desires. You are most attracted to Cancer, Pisces, Virgo and Capricorn. You have difficulty with Aquarius and Leo. [Marginal comment—“So True!”]

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Personality traits—Scorpio, the 8th house of the Zodiac and the fixed water sign, is the most intense of all the signs. Dominated by powerful emotions, you take life seriously. You possess a magnetic power, critical perfection and the ability to judge keenly, but you can also be exacting, obstinate, secretive, and jealous. Scorpio has a hierarchy of symbols starting with the SCORPION and ascending to higher levels of consciousness as symbolized by the eagle and finally the mythical Phoenix. This progression symbolizes the Scorpio's need to regenerate through suffering and often, self-destructive behavior. But, you also possess and indomitable will and self-control, and your presence has great healing power. You are fascinated by sex and death, and can become quite a monster of lust. Intensely loyal to your friends, you never forget a kindness or a slight. Your day is Tuesday, and your metal is steel. -Fellow Scorpios- Bram Stoker Carl Sagan Pablo Picasso Dylan Thomas Fanny Brice Marie Antoinette Richard Burton Christopher Columbus Madame Curie Marie Dressler Erte Charles Manson Margaret Mead Theodore Roosevelt Robt. Louis Stevenson Jonathan Winters

Friday 9-12-86

Tonight I have such a burning passionate hatred for T. I wish _____ he would grow up. He is such a mama's boy. Well, I ain't his mamma! Spend the entire day with C. at my apartment. It was good. She colored my hair Titian gold for me! It came out good. We had a good day. Split a six pack of beer, smoked some reefer and at times were pretty cross-eyed!!! At least I know I was. Our conversations weren't dominated by drugs as being the main topic which was refreshing! She's alright! Younger than I. She's 27. I'm five years older, Lordy momma!!! I'll be 33 this year! Nooooo!! But, it's so _____ inevitable! That's what ______ about aging! And I DO feel it's more traumatic for most woman than men! Granted, some men do flip out too!

12-86 postscript- C. turned out to be a fair weather friend! A real turncoat. But, everybody knows it and takes it from where it comes!

1-6-87

Spent last night with R.J. He's great! [description of sexual encounter omitted]

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Postscript 4-14-88

Whoever read this must've just shook their head, or thought "how disgusting, what a pig!" Oh well. When you read other people's writings, thoughts, ideas, etc, you are bound to find DISGUSTING things written down!!! AND it serves you right to find what you find for snooping.

Undated entry

As far as I can make out, one of the first entries in this ledger was 1986!! Of course, the latest and most is 1990.

April 9, 1988—Friday

Made a very important decision today that will affect mine and Lucy's lives. I'm detoxing to get off the Meth. I feel so great about it. Proud of myself that I have come to the conclusion that I don’t need that liquid life line anymore. I have become so disgusted and disillusioned with that lifestyle. There is no reason for me to follow that path when I know I am and can become a much better person. I also plan on going to school. A business school. Take up typing so I can get a good paying job. I'm thinking of maybe a medical assistant or especially the field of TRAVEL! Maybe a travel agent or I can learn what needs to be known so I can work for an airline. It's never too late. Carol is a perfect role model for me. She didn’t start taking college courses until she was in her thirties. And it's paying off. I am almost positive that my being on welfare or on meth makes me eligible to attend school for free or at least I know I can get a government grant. I am really excited about the prospect of going to school. Am almost impatient about it. I'll have to find out about the free schooling. I have to get more regiment into my life. Starting up the yoga would be great for my body and mind. I especially need to do sit-ups!! I have to also read my inspirational books. "Twenty four hours a day" is very good. Also "one day at a time" and "each day a new beginning." And "Spiritual Maxims", my little book "Meditations for each day." I also have an excellent book given to me by T. called "Search for serenity." Also, I have a book called "notes to myself" which is good. God, I'm talking a lot of books here! Just to read a passage out of each one every day. I plan on writing a LOT more of my thoughts into this book. What's that saying? Tomorrow is the FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. It's true. Yes, I'll start a ledger of my thoughts, feelings, etc. I guess this is it for now. I'll be back to write tomorrow or one day this week.

4-11-88

Started my detox. A blind detox. Feel so very strongly about it. Even impatient!

5-16-88

Well over a month into my detox. However they're doing it, they're doing it really well. No horrible feelings at all.

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Undated entry

Men: users and abusers.

Undated entry

Mary's Song, Sylvia Plath The Sunday lamb cracks in its fat. The fat Sacrifices its opacity. . . . A window, holy gold. The fire makes it precious, The same fire Melting the tallow heretics, Ousting the Jews. Their thick palls float Over the cicatrix of Poland, burnt-out Germany. They do not die. Grey birds obsess my heart, Mouth-ash, ash of eye. They settle. On the high Precipice That emptied one man into space The ovens glowed like heavens, incandescent. It is a heart, This holocaust I walk in, O golden child the world will kill and eat.

5-17-88

Some things I'm going to bring to Iowa for everybody- Bicentennial quarters for Eddy and his photos Astronomy book for Matt, Art picture book, His photos Make up and jewelry for Bonnie, maybe 1 of my Tarot Decks, photos Carol- Lauren Perfume, black sweater with mind collar, black "onyx" bracelet, other jewelry. Lucy- Whit shoes, Sneakers, bathing suit, overalls, shorts, jacket, sweater. Mary- sneakers, heels, sandals, bathing suits, shorts, t-shirts, jewelry, camera film, crossword book, this book, meditation books.

7-88

THIS LIST WAS FOR IOWA, But, forget it. My own sister doesn’t want me to come out. That bothered ________ me for days. Still does. Always will.

Undated entry

Four words that more or less sum up life! Birth School Work Death

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That is about it!!

4-25-88

("M and G, 4/25/88"- as carved in a tree somewhere in a NYC park!) Had a very good day! Very different from the norm. That's for sure. Not stuck sitting around like a jerk all day. Hate it! Went to the city. Should probably finish writing this later as I'm stoned right now and I'll end up writing ten pages! We actually saw the head of a pig just lying along the side of a path!! It was funny. G. is so laid back. It's a welcome change from T's hyperactive soul! ______ Russian! Orthodox like me.

Undated entry

NOM DE PLUMES Lash La Rue Miou-Miou Go-Go Gemaine Roulette. Fer De Lance- Pit Viper! South American, Poisonous.

Undated entry

Here's a good one! An ancient Babylonian goddess of dawn and evening, a sacred courtesan and goddess of prostitution!! Ishtar. Also goddess of death and destruction (if so provoked) she could raise the EVIL dead at will.

5-31-88

I look at all my clippings and books I have aside. God, what a strange legacy I'll leave behind when I depart this world. To go to… anybody's guess!! Lucy will have a good time looking through my "special books." I suppose it will interest her as to why I saved certain things or wrote certain things down. Probably amuse her! She'll have a good laugh on her mama. Trying to figure out how my mind works (worked.) "I WANTED ONLY TO TRY AND LIVE IN ACCORD WITH THE PROMPTINGS WHICH CAME FROM MY TRUE SELF. WHY WAS THAT SO VERY DIFFICULT?" well said.

Undated entry

The past is over and the future is not yet- my desires must therefore be in and for the present

June 3, 1988

Wanted: attractive young ladies for escort/entertainment service. 12:51- Am going inside now to call and "inquire about their ad". Oh no. Maybe nothing will come of it. Then again I could be stepping into the nether world. Won't know until I try. Looked up the number, it's close by.

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12:53- no answer except for a recording for me to leave name and number and time I called. Said they'll call me. I STRESSED that they only say their returning my call about a job, and NOT to elaborate as to what kind of job I called about.

JUNE 21st UPDATE!

One job for them. That was enough. What a ________ business. That and the fact that a $225 job netted me _____ $75! _______. I was a bit afraid to tell them that I wanted out. wasn’t sure what they might've done. First and last was Roger. We both said _________, we'll just call each other without them as the go-between. So, that good did come out of them.

Postscript- he turned out to be a hotheaded Greek! _______ with that!

Undated entry

Griffin (Gryphon) (My shoulder Tattoo) The Griffin is a "monster" with the body of a lion, the head and wings of an eagle, and a back covered with feathers.

Undated entry

The Wind Cries Mary. - Jimi Hendrix

6/21/88

Ist day of summer It's hot ______! Am quietly going of my mind! Am very near the end of my detox. I can feel it. My mind races. Tries to go in too many directions at the same time. Feel very restless. _______. But it's really not all that terrible. Yet? T has been giving me really good talks. "boosters." His talks are helping me very much. You know, at times I think "why get off the Meth? ______, I enjoy it, you only live once" and on and on with other reasons (excuses) to stay on the Meth.

It is Sept 19, 1988 Monday 9:09 AM

September and still on the "juice." Had to put a hold on it. This _____ is weird. The lower you get, the lousier you feel and the harder it is to get off. Like I said, the detox is on hold. Felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin. My mind was racing again. Also felt like I didn’t want to leave the house. Or, my bed for that matter. Am reading the Bible. Just started reading it seriously from the beginning last week. It's so confusing at times I find it so very hard to actually believe. You know, that there's really a God and that Jesus was His son, etc. If you are there God, don’t be angry at what I just wrote!!

Jake's birthday, July 1, 1988, Friday

Pretty cool out today- weird! Saw him about two weeks ago. He is living out of state. Was good to see him- BUT all he did was profess his love for me!! Non stop! I do believe it is more of an obsession than love. But ya never know. Gave me a thing of boy [heroin]. Was good.

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7-10-88

Jake called! They actually put him through! I couldn't believe it! He basically called to say that he got the birthday card I sent. And another letter. Wouldn’t be bad maybe to visit him for about three days. Then again- could be a huge mistake!! We both have that self destructive streak for that _____ white demon. Figures it's called GIRL [cocaine]. What else?!? Only a female could ruin you like she does.

7-13-88, Hot and Humid.

Spoke briefly with Roger. Supposed to return call. Never did.

Thursday, July 14, 1988

Hot and humid. Book, why don’t I write in you more?! It helps tremendously when I unload on you! So the question is- why _____ don’t I write?! Probably because I have to keep you hidden from my snoopy- T. He doesn’t respect anyone else's privacy which is not right at all! I know if I could keep you out instead of hid away I'd be writing a lot more. The pages would probably burn to ashes beneath my fingers as I wrote!

Undated entry

"I'm dangerous tonight!" Oh yes, I can be at times. Not violent dangerous! But dangerous none the less! THIS is wild! [sexually explicit clipping omitted]. Yes, this kind of dangerous.

10:20 AM 7-22-88

Hot, Humid, and cloudy! Well, my friend, I haven't spoken to you for quite some time it seems. Have a lot to catch up on. I have to get papers from a lawyer naming Carol and Bill as Lucy's guardians if anything happens to me. I've got to get that on paper and legally. Carol always said she'd take L. And when I asked again not too long ago she said yes. Also, some type of will. There's all my jewelry and clothes. And records and books. Also these books I write in. They go to Lucy. I'm saving a lot of things for her when she's older. I have started to put them in the cedar chest which MY mother gave to me. Hope L has a daughter one day and passes the chest down to her.

7-5-88

Lucy's birthday soon! She'll be four! I have had four wonderful years already! She is my life and I would give me life for her. We went shopping. Oh! Her latest- I'm Wilma and she's betty. From the Flintstones! She does it a lot! Calling me Wilma all the time. I love her so much. I hope God lets me live long enough for her and I to really to get know each other. And to "grow up" together.

Undated entry

"What an absurd amount of energy I have been wasting all my life trying to figure out how things really are, when all the time they weren't."

10-14-88

Just got back from the hospital. L had to see a pediatric orthopedic doc! Phew, that was a rough one to write out! Dr Schodler diagnosed Lucy with having a slight case of cerebral palsey. Oh God, I flipped out.

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On the inside, I often ask the Lord above why she had such a rough time coming into this world. This world is cold and cruel enough.

UPDATE 11/11/88

Back to the hospital and Dr. Schodler. L got her cast off. After a few months of having it on to help her walk. [illegible] Well, now my baby is limping a bit, which they said is totally ok, because she's used to having the cast one. I love that baby with all my heart and soul. Please God, let us grow together. For years. Don't take me away from her. Just the other day we asked her were honey comes from. She told us from a honey tree! We got such a kick out of that!! She does something special for pop-pop. She calls him Bam-Bam!! She has some funny ways of saying some words. For instance, it's "woody woody pecter" for "woody woodpecker." She calls Skeletons "Stelekens"!! School is soon!

11-12-88

Dear God, help me from hating myself so much today. Blew $100 on that EVIL GIRL today. I am flat broke. Boy, am I kicking myself____ today. I truly dislike myself so much today. I'll try to get my self opinion a bit better. I'm going to read some prayers and religious things. Forgive me for being so thoughtless and stupid. Help me to not be so weak about the girl. Please don’t let me go near it. I haven't in a while 'til ______ fateful Friday. Please help me rid myself of this horrible guilt I am bringing down on myself.

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What It Takes to be Happy I believe that drug addicts see some things more clearly than the rest of us do. That many become

addicts because they have stopped lying to themselves. That in some respects addicts are among the

most rational people in the world.

Whatever else may be true about them, addicts have mostly stopped pretending that happily ever after

ever happens in the real world. They know certain truths about the world around them. They see more

clearly than most of us how messed up this world is.

I’m quite sure you know what I mean. Pain, suffering, and hardship can appear to come upon us and our

loved ones in random waves. We don’t know why or how but these things seem to stalk our steps,

waiting in the dark corners of our lives, and then in a moment—with a phone call or a pink slip or a

conversation with a doctor or a crash of glass and a crunch of metal—the elaborate structure of comfort

and protection we have built around us comes tumbling down. We meet pain.

We cannot wall oursleves off from the possibility of tragedy. Zero risk is a myth. There is always a

chance that tomorrow will bring disaster. All have suffered, all do suffer, all will suffer.

Then there is the matter of our internal lives. We all, in our innermost being, in our heart of hearts, are

haunted by a feeling of incompletion, of something being amiss. Something is just not right, so we are

unsettled in our deepest selves. Like the looming possibility of a disastrous tomorrow, this haunted

feeling never entirely goes away, either.

This is part of the open secret we all live with every day. People can never really be completely happy or

completely at peace. We choose an approximation of happiness, a facsimile of peace, and we label it as

the real thing. We dumb down the happiness test so we can pass it. It’s like when people say, “Are you

doing well?” and you think for a second and you find one or two small areas that are looking bright and

on that basis you put on a cheery smile and say, “Yes, doing really well. You?”

But, do you understand what is essential for true happiness? What actually makes someone happy? We

might think the potential list is endless. Go ahead and name something that produces true happiness.

Most of the time, the answer will involve an event in the recent or distant past that has influenced the

present in a good way—perhaps meeting a special person, deciding on a particular goal, or just hitting a

lucky streak. We think happiness is a matter of the past influencing the present. But it really isn't. True

happiness is a matter of the future influencing the present.

Happiness is about hope.

Hope is the key to every moment of happiness you have ever had. Think about it. At any particular

moment, the source of your happiness is not that moment itself. The moment may be bring pleasure. It

may bring comfort. But unless that moment is accompanied by hope, the happiness doesn't run very

deep.

Now, to be clear, the kind of hope I'm talking about isn't the same thing as, "I hope I win the lottery," or

"I hope my new job works out." That's more like a wish or a desire or a preference.

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The hope that I'm talking about is a solid confidence that in your future is something you consider

deeply desirable. It’s very clear and tangible. It's so obvious you can almost see it. That confidence, that

hope in something truly good, makes the present better. It makes you happy.

The Future Bleeds Think about when you were in elementary school. For most of us, the last few weeks or days or hours of

the school year were full of excitement and happiness. We knew that summer break was coming. We

knew it, even though it wasn't here yet. The future was certain, and the future was looking really good,

and that hope gave us a deep, crazy, excited kind of happiness.

I don't know about you, but when I was in that situation I was thrilled! And here is what is so weird

about it—there I was, happy as can be, filled with joy, and yet at that moment I was still in school. Why

was I happy, despite my current circumstances? Because I knew what was coming!

When we have a future certain good, that good bleeds back into today and gives us happiness. Actually,

that kind of hope, that future-certain-good hope, produces such a deep happiness that we should

probably use a different word in order to distinguish it from everyday happiness. Let's call it joy.

This deep happiness we are calling joy is something beyond pleasure or comfort. It has an ability to

override the present. If I am certain of a powerful future good, I can have joy even in the midst of

unpleasant circumstances. Still in school, but with summer approaching , I was joyful, no matter how

bad things got toward the end of the school year. Who cares? Summer is coming!" The good that lay in

my future bled back into the present and made everything better.

Of course, the same bleeding-back happens if our future looks bleak.

Imagine that tomorrow you are scheduled for a root-canal. This is the certainty of a future not-good, at

least in the short term. No matter what you have planned for today, no matter what kind of comfort or

pleasure is on the schedule, the day itself will be tainted by what you know is coming.

What we truly believe about the future powerfully influences the present. A solid hope can give us the

sweet taste of joy even when life is hard. But if we have little or no hope, even “the good life” goes sour.

Happiness is rooted in hope. Again, this hope is all about being absolutely sure of a future good, so sure

that I look forward to it not with doubt and fear, but with longing and expectation and joy. It’s a joy that

bleeds back into today, into right now.

But of course, life is not that simple. As I said a moment ago, there is pain in this world. Pain and

suffering are inevitable—the only uncertainty about them are the details of when and why and how.

This makes it impossible to hold onto the kind of certain hope that bleeds back into the present as joy.

We might be able to hold onto it for a while, but it's temporary. The summer vacation that gave us joy in

the final weeks of the previous school year vanishes with amazing speed. The Christmas morning we

looked forward to for months is a memory by mid-afternoon.

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Never mind the idyllic perspectives of childhood. As adults, how can we have a sure and lasting hope in

the future, one that bleeds joy into the present, when we already know we live in a world where pain

and suffering and disease and accidents and disasters and financial ruin can happen at any moment?

We hope in good things, but often we don’t get them. When we do get them, the getting is almost never

as good as the anticipation.

The one thing we need to be happy—a certain future good—can never be certain. How bizarre is that? It

is almost as though we were under some sort of curse.

The Honesty of Addiction Most of us try to suppress this truth. We play pretend. We surround ourselves with people who agree

with us, who act like everything is ok. If anyone tries to remind us that things are not so good, we get

angry. We want others to help us live out our fantasy, not expose the sad reality we prefer to ignore.

But no matter how hard we try, the real world bleeds through. Many of us find culturally acceptable

ways to cope. We fill our lives with distractions so we’re too busy to think. Most of the time, these

distractions are just culturally acceptable addictions—the attention of a lover, a drive to succeed, sports

and hobbies, even religious behaviors.

But for some people, none of these things really work. Call it honesty, or maybe something else, but

what it comes down to is that these are people who can't suppress the truth, they can't shut out the

pain that comes from not having a solid hope. They are unable to escape the plain truth about our

world, and they don't know how to face that awful reality—at least, not in any way that is socially

acceptable. These are the drug addicts, the people who essentially live just to get high.

They may become addicted to one drug, and then detox and get off it, but they end up getting re-

addicted to that drug or another one. What makes them addicts is not a physiological need for cocaine

or pills. They are addicts because they live to get high. And they live to get high because they see the

world as it really is, and therefore they have no hope.

To me, these are the sane people.

You know what’s insane?

To live in a world that brings everyone pain and suffering. A world of uncontrollable destruction from

fellow man and nature and disease. A world packed full of loneliness and tragedy and heartache so deep

we can't put words to it. A world where death always wins.

What’s insane is to to live in that world, and to know you live in that world, and say, "Eh, not so bad.

Pass me the remote."

In his honesty, the addict needs strong medicine to hide from the pain. So he finds a behavior that gives

a strong and immediate payoff, a response that helps him cope with, or forget about, or escape from

the world as it really is.

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You and I live in a place that cannot provide us with the only food that could satisfy our appetite for a

safe and secure future. We all long to "live" in some way we do not live now. A sure hope, a guaranteed

good end is the only thing that can bring us true joy and happiness. But in this world that seems so

cursed, that is precisely the one thing we cannot find.

Most of us endure it all by living an illusion of safety in a fantasy land of expected good. But the addict is

honest. Life here is broken, this place is broken. If we will be honest and listen, we will realize that

everything inside us cries out for a life and a place and an existence and a hope that are not broken, but

are solid and safe and sure.

* * *

So far in Mary’s journal, a little over two years have passed. The next section covers just a couple of

months, but she's writing more frequently now, so we can begin to develop a more accurate picture of a

life lived without any real hope.