Rick Baron, SPHR, CPCPrincipalSuncoast HR ServicesRick@SunHR.net

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

• Research shows that 60-80% of all difficulties in organizations stem from strained relationships between employees, not from deficits in individual employee’s skill or motivation (Dana, 2005).

• The typical manager spends 25-40% of his or her time dealing with workplace conflicts. That’s one to two days of every work week (Washington Business Journal, May 2005).

• You as the Mediator• Preparing for the Difficult conversation• Your Emotional State• The Conversation• Other Special Conversations

• Terminations• Dealing with Employee hygiene Issues• Inappropriate Dress• Employee Expression Rights

Difficult Conversations at Work Agenda

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• Think like a mediator• Remain resourceful, curious and compassionate

• Prepare for the difficult conversation – Maintaining self control

• Be aware that higher than normal anxiety levels will exist• Untangle your thinking• Balance your own and the other person’s perspective• Move from Suspicion to Curiosity• Move from Blame to Contribution• Move from Judgment to Compassion

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

You as the Mediator

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Recall what happened from your perspective• Clarify why this matters to you

– Emotion – How were you feeling when this ‘incident’ happened and how were you left feeing afterwards. Articulate your feelings.

– Needs – Describe how and why this ‘incident’ affects you (let down, not treated fairly, etc.)

– Clarify your desired outcome

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Get your story straight

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• Breathing • “Fight or Flight” response• Diaphragmatic breathing (belly-breathing)

• Make Practice a Habit• Internal Dialog control (IDC)

• The small voice that tells us we’re doing well or poorly• Be aware of the voice and reframe the thoughts

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkEmotional State Management – Final Preparations

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Emotional State Management – Final Preparations

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• The Conversation– Logistics

• Time• Place

– Onsite/Offsite

• When/Where would the parties be Psychological Available?• Stacking the Deck/Turf

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation - Logistics

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• Signpost– Headline of the conversation (Reason)

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

“I’d like to talk to you about the team meeting yesterday, specifically how I felt when you stopped me mid-conversation and said something about my role. This happened a number of times and I’m upset about that. I’m also puzzled as to why you responded that way and I’d like to know what caused your reaction.”

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

Greeting

Heart of the Issue

Opener

Finish Cordially

Solicit Initial Reaction

Work towards solution or end

The Standard Difficult Conversation Framework

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•  Identify the verbal and non-verbal approaches of dealing with sensitive employee matters without compromising employee rights, privileges, or morale.– Awareness of the other person

• Locking eyes• Leaning excessively inward • Feet on floor• Pointing• Excessive hand/arm movement• Fidgety

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

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– Roadmap• Framing of conversation.• Structural and a methodical pattern.

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

“I want to suggest a way to do this that gives both of us time to think and respond to what’s being said. I’m open to the possibility that I’ve either missed something or in some way contributed to this, so I’d like to hear your reactions what I’ve got to say and also get your perspective.”

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

“”Here’s how I thought we could do it: I start by describing my perspective, what I remember about what happened and get your reaction.”

“I’d like to say how it left me feeling and the impact I think it could have on me, and I’d like to hear your thoughts on that.”

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

“I’d then like to explore ways between us that could ensure that when we work together in the future we can work more effectively together.”

“Do you have any questions or concerns about what I am proposing?”

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

• Remember: Be compassion to yourself and acknowledge to yourself that it has taken a huge amount of courage to raise this in the first place. Be compassionate to the other person, there’s a good chance they’re feeling bad, guilty, or uncomfortable because of the conversation. Be curious and listen to their version of events, this is their version of the truth which is equally as valid as your version. Be curious to the possibility that you have in some way unwittingly contributed to this problem.

• Remember: Be compassion to yourself and acknowledge to yourself that it has taken a huge amount of courage to raise this in the first place. Be compassionate to the other person, there’s a good chance they’re feeling bad, guilty, or uncomfortable because of the conversation. Be curious and listen to their version of events, this is their version of the truth which is equally as valid as your version. Be curious to the possibility that you have in some way unwittingly contributed to this problem.

Remember:• Be compassionate to yourself and acknowledge that it has taken a

huge amount of courage to raise this in the first place.

• Be compassionate to the other person, there’s a good chance they’re feeling bad, guilty, or uncomfortable because of the conversation.

• Be curious and listen to their version of events, this is their version of the truth which is equally as valid as your version. Perception is reality.

• Be curious to the possibility that you have in some way unwittingly contributed to this problem.

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth.

It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

Be aware that for employee issues they are not always entitled to all of the details of the matter. This is not a court of law where you face your accusers.

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation – Rules of Engagement

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

• Problem Solving and Solutions:

• Final part of the conversation.• Goal is to clear up any misunderstandings that may exist

between the two parties.

• Transition Between Phases:

• Continue to summarize where you have both got up to so far in the conversation.

• Propose ways which you think would help in your efforts to work effectively.

• Time to suggest ideas.• Remember that it’s a shared problem; so a shared

solution must accompany it. 

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkThe Conversation – Narrowing your Solutions

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

• Brainstorming• Process for generating creative ideas and solutions

through intensive and freewheeling group discussion.• Once all solutions are identified work to narrow to the

selected option.

• SMART Agreements• Just like the version used for establishing goals.

• Specific – who, what, where, when and how• Measureable – how will you know you’re on track or

off track• Achievable – do you have the capacity and

resources to fulfill this agreement• Realistic – under the circumstances is this a realistic

expectation• Time dependent – frequency and timeliness of

commitments 

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Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkThe Conversation – Narrowing your Solutions

Tip: If they recall the “incident” differently to you, avoid getting caught up in a circular argument about who’s version of events is the truth. It’s likely you’ll never agree on this. Simply say how you each see things differently and what matters more is how you were left feeling as a result of your experience of the ‘incident’.

• When all fails:• Acknowledge that you are at a stalemate• Be prepared to suggest another time for

follow-up• If you suspect that the other person has no

interest in discussing the issue; bring this to their attention

• If after several attempts seek to close the matter as irreconcilable but express a desire to continue in the relationship

Always keep the door open

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• Concluding– Thanking them for their time, consideration, and patience.– Acknowledge that this appeared to be a “mechanical approach”,

but the importance of the issue makes this necessary.– Document, Document, Document

Tip: The smallest issued can turn into the biggest problems and the irony is that most people overestimate the risk of addressing the conflict early, and underestimate the consequences of avoiding it and doing nothing.

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation - Concluding

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• Summary Tips • Tell the offender, not anyone else• Find an environment for casual privacy• Be informative. Take the stance that you are providing them with

information they need to know• Be empathic. Speak like a sympathizer, not a judge• Use neutral, impersonal language that refers to professionalism and the

impact on the office• Be low key. Even if you’re not comfortable, fake it. The more agitated

sound, the more reactive they will be

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation - Concluding

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• Tips and Suggestions• Arrange for follow-up and future feedback• Most behavior changes require time• Provide future feedback, both positive and negative

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

The Conversation - Concluding

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• How to bridge strong individual beliefs with the overall organizational objectives.– Address the collective approach to the organization’s needs and

objectives– If appropriate, present the organizational policy, but also appeal to

the person’s reasonableness

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Freedom of Speech at Work Issues

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– Special considerations related to free-speech• Many circumstances may be precluded at work• Not normally an expectation when at work• Must not be disruptive or create a hostile or uncomfortable

work environment• Issues such as dress, decorating a work space, or posting

pictures or notices at work could be included

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Freedom of Speech at Work Issues

NO MORE JELLY DOUGHNUTS

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• Tips and Suggestions:• Rehearse• A neutral location is best• Early in the afternoon/mid-week is often best• Should take between 5 to 15 minutes. Avoid a long build up• Purpose is notifying the employee of the decision, not to debate it or

review it• Have a witness: Either another leader of HR representative• Take notes

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Special Circumstances - Terminations

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• Tips and Suggestions (Conti.)• Have a plan on how the employee will exit• Expect the unexpected• Prepare yourself emotionally• Contain regret, anger, frustration, sadness, or

other emotions• Control the discussion• Give clear expectations

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Special Circumstances - Terminations

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• Tips and Suggestions (Conti.)• Provide details of the separation process• Follow-up with a letter to outline the rights and privileges of

the former employee• Be professional• Have all paperwork ready• Respond to the employee as a person• Review your performance and move on• Have a witness• Explain the circumstanced which led to your decision.

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Special Circumstances - Terminations

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• What do you say? Here are some phrases to inform someone of a hygiene issue.– “I have noticed the smell of (the odor), and I’m concerned that it is having an impact on

your ability to interact with your co-workers and our customers.”– “It’s essential this be addressed because it affects performance.”

• Listen empathically to their response.• I’m telling you because it’s important for you to know.• I know if it was me, I’d want to know.

• If they become reactive, be empathic about it. Chances are the employee is embarrassed and is reacting in defense

• What they do with the information is more important than what they say in the moment

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkSpecial Circumstances – Employee Hygiene Issues

This issue can be part of a bigger health issue…Privacy may be an concern

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• State that this is about policy not preference • If you don’t have a policy; be cautious because the conversation can be considered

discriminatory • Just the facts. When you sit down with her to explain where she's out of

compliance, be sure you scrupulously avoid mixing any of your judgments or "stories" into your description of the problem

• Avoid using descriptive terms like “provocative”, or “to revealing”• Instead state factually to the gap between what she wears at times and what the

policy says. For example, "Our policy says 'clothing should not be form-fitting or revealing of large portions of the legs, chest . . ." After sharing the relevant excerpts, you could ask how she thought her outfit yesterday, for example, compared to the requirements. Once again, the focus is not on judgments but on facts

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Special Circumstances – Inappropriate Dress

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• State that this is about policy not preference. • If you don’t have a policy; be cautious because the conversation can

be considered discriminatory. • Just the facts. When you sit down with her to explain where she's

out of compliance, be sure you scrupulously avoid mixing any of your judgments or "stories" into your description of the problem.

• Avoid using descriptive terms like “provocative”, or “to revealing”• Instead state factually to the gap between what she wears at times

and what the policy says. For example, "Our policy says 'clothing should not be form-fitting or revealing of large portions of the legs, chest . . ." After sharing the relevant excerpts, you could ask how she thought her outfit yesterday, for example, compared to the requirements. Once again, the focus is not on judgments but on facts.

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at Work

Special Circumstances – Inappropriate Dress

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• Be cautious not to discriminate• Provide accommodation when appropriate

– Does not create an excessive burden on the organization

• Appreciate the diversity of what these expressions bring to the workplace• Explain that the workplace is full of people of unique perspectives and

values• That although it does not affect you; it would affect others in their ability

to perform their jobs

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkSpecial Circumstances - Personal Music Choices, Religious Artifacts, Posting Political Items, etc.

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• If you permit it, there is no going back in allowing others to express themselves in other ways

• Remember to give as much as you can versus using a universal policy. • Remind the employee that such displays moves the focus away from

work

Dealing with Difficult Conversations at WorkSpecial Circumstances - Personal music/Religious Artifacts, Posting Political Items, etc.

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Conclusion:Difficult Conversations at Work

• Your objective is to maintain a balanced workplace that treats all employees fairly as you all pursue your organization’s objectives

• Items in the workplace that distract this focus work against the entire group

• Respect the differences and Individual challenges, but always keep the main item in focus

• Be very aware of any potential discriminatory practices

Conclusion:Difficult Conversations at Work

• When dealing with matters when they arise, do so with respect

• Make the issue is a matter in which both you have a stake in resolving; not just one person’s problem

Elements:

• The objective of managing conflict is in the practice of balancing customer needs, individual and organizational needs.

• This flow is dynamic and will shift from priority to priority.

• The key to success is to be flexible in identifying what is the best outcome for the collective in each circumstance.

Balancing Needs

Customer

Mission

Organizational Needs

Individual Needs

THANK YOU!

Rick Baronrick@SunHR.net

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