Resource Pack - d3ddkgxe55ca6c.cloudfront.net€¦ · Outcomes: Annotated articles or magazines;...

www.jeremystrong.co.uk

Resource Pack

NEW FOR JUNE 2013


When I was teaching junior school children I was constantly looking for new material and ways in which children could learn that would make learning fun. It’s a fact that children learn more readily and faster when they are

enjoying themselves, which is why I write funny stories. If I couldn’t fi nd something readily available – and bear in mind that there was no access to the web in those days – I would make it myself. Of course, some ideas worked better than others and I realized that if several of us pooled our thoughts there was a greater chance of success.

Well, the Clever Clogs Department at Puffi n have got together and produced this fantastic material that will certainly help your children learn and have terrifi c fun at the same time. They have based the work sheets and ideas on my two most popular series – The Hundred Mile an Hour Dog and My Brother’s Famous

Bottom. The work covers a wide range of National Curriculum targets using material that is engaging, imaginative and so tasty it will slip down like a chocolate birthday cake. So save yourself a bucket-load of trouble,

download the material and give yourself and your children a BIG treat!

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A MESSAGE FROM


The resource pack provides material for 18 one-hour-long lessons, which can take place during literacy lessons or as extra-curricular activities. It has a literacy focus,

but also covers other areas of the curriculum.

The main objectives of the pack include:

LITERACY• To improve understanding of text types

• To understand the linguistic conventions of certain text types• To be able to identify and use similes, alliteration, rhyme, adjectives and adverbs

• To create a magazine for a specifi c target audience and to use appropriate linguistic and stylistic conventions• To interpret an author’s language and style

NUMERACY• To create a Dragons’ Den style business pitch about the cost effectiveness of the Jeremy Strong magazine and its distribution

DRAMA AND SPEAKING AND LISTENING• To conduct interviews and drama tasks as different characters

• To perform a persuasive speech in front of a group• To present the magazine in a group pitch

HISTORY• To carry out research on the royal family and the history of the crown jewels

FOOD TECHNOLOGY• To study the layout and content of recipes and to create a new recipe

DESIGN TECHNOLOGY AND ART• To create a crown

• To create an instruction manual explaining how to make a costume• To create a royal costume for a celebratory event

CITIZENSHIP• To identify the customs and traditions of Great Britain

• To understand how the media functions• To discuss the issue of bullying

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TEAM 1: TEAM STREAKER!

TEAM 2: TEAM CRUNCHBAG!

TEAM 3: TEAM CH� SE!

TEAM 4: TEAM TOMATO!

TEAM 5: TEAM LANCELOT!

TEAM 6: TEAM TUGG!


First, organise your class into SIX SENSATIONAL groups!

Each group will be responsible for creating their own Jeremy Strong magazine or newspaper. Each group is named after one of Jeremy’s incredibly funny characters. To fi nd out more about them,

read more of Jeremy’s The Hundred Mile-An-Hour Dog and My Brother’s Famous Bottom series!

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You might also want to allocate the following:Team Captain, Scribe, Researcher, Communicator, Reader, Brainstormer, Content Collector

Lesson by lesson, students will gather material for their fi nal magazine or newspaper, which will report on the celebration of the birth of the royal twins! Make sure that each team’s Content Collector keeps all the interviews, news reports, headlines,

photographs, recipes and costumes safe – in preparation for the fi nal product!

And you’re ready to start – remember to laugh your socks off!

TEAM CAPTAIN

RESEARCHER READER

SCRIBECOMMUNICATOR

BRAINSTORMER CONTENT COLLECTOR

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Lesson 1: ‘IT’S ALL IN A NAME’Objective: To interpret key words using word associationOutcomes: Profi les for key characters; labelled drawing of Mr Tugg

LEAD-IN TASK: Here is a list of the characters in Jeremy Strong’s newest book in the Famous Bottom series, My Brother’s Famous Bottom Gets Crowned!

CheeseTomatoNicholasSergeant SmuggMrTuggMrs Quince-PorageMr and Mrs Wibbly

Which character might be the oldest?Which character might be the youngest?Which character might be the most normal?Which character might be the funniest?Which character might be the nastiest?Which character might be the grumpiest?

TASK 1: How can you show something about a character through their name? Create your own character and character name.

TASK 2: Read the description of Mr Tugg on page 34 (extract from Chapter 1 of Gets Crowned)Which words can you pick out? Does he match your initial impression?

TASK 3: Draw MrTugg and label him with the describing words that you have picked out!

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Lesson 2: ‘DAD’S SILLY IDEAS!’Objective: To use persuasive language in a balloon debateOutcomes: A list of reasons with which to construct an argument; balloon debate in groupsResources: My Brother’s Famous Bottom

ABOUT BALLOON DEBATING: Each class member is in an imaginary hot-air balloon. The balloon is losing height rapidly because it is overweight, therefore we need to get rid of some of the passengers! Students have to come up with persuasive arguments for selling their chosen family member. The best arguer stays in the balloon until the very end and wins the balloon debate!

LEAD-IN QUESTION: What silly ideas has your dad had? Share them with the class!Nicholas’s dad is a SILLY dad! Once, he brought a real-life alligator into the family house! Once, he tried to create a FARM in the BACK GARDEN! Once, he wanted to sell his family members for money!

TASK 1: Read chapter 1 on page 35 of My Brother’s Famous Bottom. What was Dad’s silly idea in this chapter?

TASK 2: What silly thing could you sell? Perhaps an item of clothing? A building in your town centre? A part of your body?! Give students some silly options.Students should choose an item to sell and write as many reasons as possible for why it should be sold.

TASK 3: In their groups, students need to complete a balloon debate. Each student takes turns arguing why his or her item should be sold. The person who has the most reasons and who is the most persuasive can keep his/her ticket and stay in the balloon. Each group should have onejudge who oversees the debate and chooses the winner. Every student can take turns as the judge.

Can you keep hold of your balloon ticket?!

BAL LOON T I C KE TADMIT ONEwww.jeremystrong.co.uk

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For SaleREASON 1:

REASON 2:

REASON 3:

REASON 4:

REASON 5:

PERSUASIVE TECHNIQUE:

For SaleREASON 1:

REASON 2:

REASON 3:

REASON 4:

REASON 5:


For SaleREASON 1:

REASON 2:

REASON 3:

REASON 4:

REASON 5:


For SaleREASON 1:

REASON 2:

REASON 3:

REASON 4:

REASON 5:


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BAL LOON T I C KE TADMIT ONE
































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Lesson 3: ‘CELEBRATIONS’Objective: To identify customs and traditions of national celebrationsOutcomes: A list of customs/traditions for a national celebration; drama piece as a local committee prioritizing ideasResources: Photographs from national celebrations (Christmas across the world, Diwali, bonfi re night, Queen’s jubilee, Olympics, etc.); video of national celebration

LEAD IN BRAINSTORM: Can you think of a recent celebration in the world? What might we be celebrating in the UK in 2013? TASK 1: Show a video of celebrations around the world. What traditions do different cultures have? Possible answers: street parties, fl ags, fancy dress, cakes, fi reworks, music.

In My Brother’s Famous Bottom Gets Crowned! the characters are celebrating the 60th year of the Queen’s coronation, and the birth of the Prince and Princess’s twins.

TASK 2: Make a list of what needs to be organized for the celebration.See extract on page 36 (extract from Chapter 2 of Gets Crowned)Here is the list that is discussed in Gets Crowned.

A STREET PARTY----------------------------------------------------------------------------------CORONATION OF THE OLDEST COUPLE IN THE STREET----------------------------------------------------------------------------------A FANCY-DRESS CONTEST----------------------------------------------------------------------------------FIREWORKS----------------------------------------------------------------------------------DAD’S BAND, WITH MRS Q-P AS SINGER----------------------------------------------------------------------------------A BEAUTY CONTEST FOR THE POLICE

TASK 3: In groups, prioritize the ideas from most important to least important. Remember to fulfi l your roles of Team Captain, Scribe, Researcher, Communicator, Reader, Brainstormer or Content Collector!

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Picture prompts to create a brainstorm

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Lesson 4: ‘THE MEDIA’Objective: To understand how magazines and newspapers appeal to their target audienceOutcomes: Annotated articles or magazines; class presentationsResources: A collection of magazine or news articles from the coverage of a national celebration (royal wedding, Queen’s jubilee, Olympics)

TASK 1: Each group is given a magazine or news article to annotate and analyse. The following prompt questions might be useful:

1. Who do you think the article is aimed at? Who is the target audience?2. Which eye-catching words helped you to identify the target audience?3. What is the headline? How is it presented?4. Are there any photographs or pictures that stand out?5. Can you see any examples of alliteration?6. Can you see any examples of where the article tries to persuade the reader?

TASK 2: Each group needs to present annotations to the rest of the class.

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Lesson 5: ‘ SERGEANT SMUGG’S RULES AND REGULATIONS’

Objective: To understand and create comic scenariosKey word: ExaggerationOutcomes: A set of exaggerated rules and regulations for the celebration (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)

LEAD IN QUESTION: What safety tips would you recommend for a party?

TASK 1: Read Sergeant Smugg’s rules and regulations.(extract from Chapter 3 of Gets Crowned, Sergeant Smugg’s Rules and Regulations). Here are three:

1. “The road will be closed to traffi c.”2. “In addition, children less than fi fty centimetres tall and twenty centimetres wide are not allowed to have balloons

in case they are carried away by a tornado.”3. “I shall arrest any crisp-eaters!”

Which is Sergeant Smugg’s best idea?Which is his worst idea?Why are some of his ideas funny? How does Sergeant Smugg exaggerate?

TASK 2: Write your own set of exaggerated rules and regulations. Consider your target audience!Can you fi nd more examples of exaggeration in Jeremy Strong’s Laugh-Your-Socks-Off Joke Book?

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Lesson 6: ‘SIZZLING SIMILES’Objective: To identify and create similesOutcomes: Dramatization of Mrs Q-P; descriptive writing using similes

TASK 1: Here are three similes that Jeremy Strong uses to describe Mrs Q-P in chapter 3. Can you match the fi rst half of the simile to the second half?

“her whole body shook” “like a pair of big bats”

“Mrs Q-P screeched” “like jelly on a train”

“her false eyelashes fl uttered” “like an owl”

TASK 2: In pairs, choose one of the similes and create a ten second dramatization of the image. Be ready to share your interpretation with the class!

TASK 3: Choose one of the illustrations (on following page) from Jeremy Strong’s My Brother’s Hot Cross Bottom and describe it using a sizzling simile!

TASK 4: Read your partner’s similes.

What went well:Even better if:

Does your partner deserve a sizzling simile star? (see 2 pages on)

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Describe 0ne of the illustrations using a sizzling simile!

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Does your partner deserve a sizzling simile star?

SIZZLING SIMILE!

SIZZLING SIMILE!

SIZZLING SIMILE!

SIZZLING SIMILE!

SIZZLING SIMILE!

SIZZLING SIMILE!

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Lesson 7: ‘MUSICAL ANIMALS!’Objective: To empathize with Streaker and create a voice for a petOutcomes: Description of pet using similes; monologue; interviews with pets (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog; musical instruments

LEAD-IN TASK: Read the fi rst paragraph of The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog to fi nd out more about Streaker!

TASK 1: RECAP: describe your own pet or an animal using similes!

TASK 2: What would your pet sound like? Use musical instruments to come up with a sound.

TASK 3: Write a monologue as Streaker or as your own pet.

TASK 4: Create an interview between the pet and its owner. If you could, what questions would you ask? How would your pet reply?

Students might also use extracts about Rubbish the goat, Crunchbag the alligator and Schumacher the tortoise in more of the Famous Bottom series!

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Lesson 8: ‘HIDDEN TALENTS!’Objective: To create a talent showOutcomes: A Britain’s Got Talent-style drama pieceResources: My Dad’s Got an Alligator!

LEAD-IN TASK: Do you know anyone with a hidden talent?

TASK 1: Read chapter 1 of My Dad’s Got an Alligator! and pick out information about Granny. What is she like?

TASK 2: We fi nd out that Granny has a hidden talent in My Brother’s Famous Bottom Gets Crowned. What could it be? What would make you laugh or feel surprised? Brainstorm ideas.

Who has the best hidden talent in your classroom?

TASK 3: Spend ten minutes preparing your own hidden talent.

TASK 4: Conduct a talent show using the Britain’s Got Talent format. Select three judges to decide which contestants can go through to perform their talent in front of the Queen, and which contestants have to go home!

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Lesson 9: ‘THE PERFECT CROWN!’Objective: To create a crownOutcomes: Crowns and photographs of crowns (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: Photographs of the crown jewels; a camera

LEAD-IN TASK: Circulate pictures of the crown jewels – which do you like best? Why? Give context and discuss the Tower of London.

TASK 1: Read chapter 1 of My Dad’s Got an Alligator! and pick out information about Granny. What is she like?

TASK 2: Choose a Jeremy Strong character and predict what his/her crown would look like and why.

TASK 3: Design your own crown using the template.

Assign group photographers to take photographs of each completed crown! These are the classroom crown jewels!

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Design your own crown x

Colour in and decorate this crown. Then cut out the three parts and staple together at each X. Now you can wear your very own Jeremy Strong crown!

x

xx

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Lesson 10: ‘THE PERFECT POP STAR!’Objective: To create an interviewOutcomes: A table showing the differences between Lady Gaga and Granny; a dramatized television interviewResources: Photographs of Lady Gaga; video of interview with Lady Gaga

TASK 1: Brainstorm famous pop stars. Why are they popular?

TASK 2: What are the differences between Lady Gaga and Granny? Complete the table.

TASK 3: Watch the interview with Lady Gaga. What questions would you like to ask her? What questions would Granny ask her?

TASK 4: In pairs, conduct an interview between Lady Gaga and Granny. Try to use exaggeration to make it funny for the audience.

LADY GAGA GRANNY

PERSONALITY

WAY OF LIFE

LOOKS

INTERESTS

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Lesson 11: ‘HILARIOUS HEADLINES!’Objective: To use alliteration and rhyme in headlinesOutcomes: Annotated headlines; new headlines created in groupsResources: Photographs of Lady Gaga; video of interview with Lady Gaga

LEAD-IN TASK: Here are some Jeremy Strong headlines from different books:

‘BOY TERRORIST (11) EXPLODES YOGHURT BOMB IN HIGH STREET’ (My Brother’s Famous Bottom)

‘RABBIT EATS GOAT’

‘FUNNY BUNNY MAKES BOTTY SPOTTY!’

‘RABBITS PUT SPOTS ON BOTTS’(My Brother’s Hot Cross Bottom)

What might be the news story for each headline?

TASK 1: Can you fi nd examples of alliteration or rhyme in the headlines? Annotate each headline.

TASK 2: Rank the headlines from most effective to least effective. Give reasons for your decisions.

TASK 3: In groups, create your own headlines using alliteration and rhyme for the following news stories:

1. Lady Gaga comes to town2. Dad dresses up as a giant banana3. Aliens land in town4. Streaker the Hundred-Mile-An-Hour dog ruins all the celebration cakes!

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Lesson 12: ‘ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS!’Objective: To use adverbs and adjectives in a news report Outcomes: Labelled drawing of Charlie Smugg; written news report (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: Examples of news reports

LEAD-IN TASK: Read the description of Charlie Smugg (extract from Chapter 7 of Gets Crowned, Charlie Smugg description). Can students identify examples of adjectives and adverbs? (E.g. sneered, unpleasant, low, slowly, squeaky.)

TASK 1: Draw Charlie Smugg.

TASK 2: Read an example of a news report. Can you fi nd any more examples of adjectives and adverbs?

TASK 3: Write your own news report about a bullying incident using adverbs and adjectives. Use the word bank and planning triangle and writing frame to help!

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SNEERED

SQUEAKY

DISGRACEFUL

LOW

HORRIBLE

PERPETRATOR

UNPLEASANT

TERRIFIED

VICTIM

SLOWLY

NASTY

Word Bank

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HEADLINE:Newspaper Title:

Sub-heading:Introductory Paragraph: What? Who? When? Where?

Paragraph Two: Give more detail? Use adjectives and adverbs.

Paragraph Three: Witness comments describing exactly what happened. Include name, age and position of witness.

Planning triangle:

Writing frame:

GRAB ATTENTION

PRICE DATE

MOST IMPORTANT INFORMATION

FURTHER DETAILS, GETTING LESS ESSENTIAL AND MORE IN-DEPTH AS THE

REPORT GOES ON

Clear headline.

One paragraph. One or two sentences. Using four Ws. What happened? Where did it happen? When did it happen?

Who was involved?

A more detailed descriptive paragraph using adverbs and adjectives.

A paragraph that introduces and quotes a key witness.

A fi nal paragraph with a statement from the police.

Caption

Final Paragraph: Statement from the police about their investigations with quotations.

Name of writer

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Lesson 13: ‘ MR AND MRS WIBBLY: INSPIRATIONAL PEOPLE!’

Objective: To create a chat-show drama in groupsOutcome: A group chat-show dramaResources: Photographs of inspirational people; clips from chat shows

LEAD-IN TASK: Use photographs of inspirational people (parents, superheroes, celebrities) to brainstorm the qualities that make them inspirational.

Mrs Wibbly is now eighty-seven, but she once won a gold medal at the Olympics! Read the extract (extract from Chapter 7 of Gets Crowned, Mrs Wibbly) for more information about her sporting achievements!

TASK 1: Make a list of questions that a young person could ask Mrs Wibbly.

TASK 2: Watch clips from chat shows and use them as inspiration for creating your own chat shows in groups!

Chat-show roles:HostMrs WibblyAnother inspirational person of your choiceTwo audience members with questions

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Lesson 14: ‘SILLY RECIPES!’Objective: To create our own silly recipes for the celebrationOutcome: A recipe for a specifi c target audience (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: Examples of recipes

LEAD-IN QUESTION: What food do you like or dislike?

TASK 1: Read about the silly celebratory food in My Brother’s Famous Bottom Gets Crowned! (extract from Chapter 8 of Gets Crowned, recipes)

Can you think of your own terrible combination?

TASK 2: Read the example recipes in groups. What are the different target audiences for each recipe? How do you know?

TASK 3: Write a rotten recipe for your chosen target audience!

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Lesson 15: ‘FANCY DRESS!’Objective: To create a fancy-dress costumeOutcome: An instruction manual for creating a royal costume; a royal costume; photographs of the costumes! (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: Royal dress photographs and context; a camera!

LEAD-IN TASK: Give students a particular period of history to research in groups – what did the royals wear at this time? Why? Present fi ndings back to the class.

TASK 1: Choose a royal costume of your own. How can you exaggerate it to make it hilarious and unique – Jeremy Strong-style?!

TASK 2: Look at the instruction manual for creating bunting. Create your own instruction manual for your own costume using the model below:

TASK 3: If you have an extra lesson, create your costume or your own bunting! Assign group photographers to take photographs of each completed costume or bunting!

HOW TO MAKE BUNTING INSTRUCTIONS

Materials needed:

Triangle templateStiff cardFabricPinsA pencil or chalkScissorsSewing machineIronRibbon

1. Cut out two triangles of fabric using the template and the pins.2. With the right sides of the fabric facing each other, sew the two trianges together

along the two long edges. Turn the fl ag the right way round and iron fl at.3. Pin each fl ag in place on the ribbon and then sew the fl ags down.

Now you’re ready to celebrate!

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Bunting template

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Lesson 16: ‘CREATING A MAGAZINE/NEWSPAPER!’Objective: To plan the contents and layout of your magazine or newspaperOutcome: Completed planning sheets

LEAD-IN BRAINSTORM: In groups, brainstorm what sort of magazine or newspaper you’d like to create. Remember, it needs to report on the upcoming celebrations for the birth of the Princess’s twins and all of Jeremy Strong’s crazy characters are involved! Consider the following questions to help your planning:

1. What is the name of your magazine?2. Who will be your target audience? 3. What will the newspaper/magazine look like? 4. What will be included in the newspaper/magazine?5. What will the layout be?6. What sort of language will be used?7. How much will it cost?

TASK 1: In groups, complete the fl at planning sheet for your magazine or newspaper. Each magazine or newspaper should have between nine and twelve pages.

FRONT COVER CONTENTS PAGE

BACK COVER

INSIDE FRONT COVER

INSIDE BACK COVER

PAGE 1

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Lesson 17: ‘FUNKY FRONT COVERS!’Objective: To design the front cover of your newspaper or magazineOutcome: Front cover of magazine/newspaper designed in groups (* to be used as content for fi nal magazine)Resources: Various front covers of newspapers/magazines

LEAD-IN QUESTION: What is your group’s target audience? Communicators, be ready to present your group’s ideas to the rest of the class and to give your reasoning!

TASK 1: Look at different magazine and newspaper front covers. In groups, decide which you like and which you don’t like. How can you tell the target audiences from the front covers?

TASK 2: As a group, design the funky front cover for your newspaper or magazine! Remember, it needs to report on the upcoming celebrations for the birth of the Princess’s twins and all of Jeremy Strong’s crazy characters are involved!

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Lesson 18: ‘MAKING THE MAG!’Objective: To organize the contents of the magazine or newspaperOutcome: Completed magazine; Dragons’ Den pitchResources: Dragons’ Den video clips

TASK 1: Help your Content Collector to organize all the material that you have gathered to create the fi nal version of your group’s newspaper/magazine. Here’s a reminder of the work you need to include:

InterviewsCelebration rules and regulationsRecipesPhotographs of royal crownsInstruction manuals for royal costumesPhotographs of royal costumesNews reports

TASK 2: Now it’s time to present your marvellous magazines and your knowledgeable newspapers! Watch the Dragons’ Den clips and create your own pitch! Use the following categories to organize your pitch:

1. What is the name of your company?2. What is the name of your newspaper/magazine? How did you decide on the name?3. Who is your target audience? How have you tried to attract your target audience?4. Why is your magazine/newspaper interesting? 5. How much will your magazine/newspaper cost?6. What are your company’s future ambitions?

OPTIONAL: Who is the WINNER of this year’s Jeremy Strong Laugh Your Socks Off Magazine or Newspaper challenge? YOU DECIDE!

IS IT, Team 1: TEAM STREAKER?IS IT, Team 2: TEAM CRUNCHBAG?IS IT, Team 3: TEAM CHEESE?IS IT, Team 4: TEAM TOMATO?IS IT, Team 5: TEAM LANCELOT?IS IT, Team 6: TEAM TUGG?

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Best badge template

BEST M

AGA

ZINE!BEST

NEWSPAPER!

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Extract for Lesson 1:

‘IT’S ALL IN A NAME’Extract: Chapter 1 of Gets Crowned (description of Mr Tugg):Task 2

‘Oh dear. Dad had defi nitely lit Mr Tugg’s blue touchpaper and now the volcano was unstoppable. Mr Tugg turned red. He turned purple. He went white, with a touch of green round his ears. His little feet stamped up and down. His arms whirled round uselessly. His eyes bulged and spun like Catherine wheels. His eyebrows took off and fl ew round the room like angry bees. We stood back and watched in amazement as Mr Tugg erupted in all directions.

Finally, he calmed down and simply stood there looking limp and spent. What does a volcano do when it’s run out of exploding stuff? It looks soggy and miserable, that’s what. Mum put a gentle hand on his shoulder.

‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ she asked. ‘People usually do after they meet my husband. Come in and tell us all about your lovely committee and the street party.’

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‘DAD’S SILLY IDEAS!’Extract: Chapter 1 of My Brother’s Famous BottomTask 1

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1 The Big PlanMy dad’s got a Big Plan. He told us all about it at a special family meeting. All of us were there – Mum, Dad, Granny and her husband, Lancelot, me and the twins, even though they’re only one and a bit.

Dad banged a big spoon on the table to get our attention and made his announcement.

‘We need a Big Plan,’ he told us.

‘A big fl an, dear?’ said Granny. She’s a bit deaf and gets the wrong idea sometimes.

‘What kind of fl an? Strawberry? I like strawberry fl an. As long as it’s not gooseberry, or Marmite.’ Granny pulled a face. ‘Marmite fl an is horrible.’

I stared at Granny. What was she going on about?

‘It’s nothing to do with fl ans,’ shouted Dad. ‘I said we need a Big Plan.’

‘Oh,’ smiled Granny. ‘I thought a big fl an seemed silly, but then so many of your ideas are silly, aren’t they, Ron?’

‘You’re so kind, Mother dear,’ Dad said icily.

Mum sighed. Dad frowned and pulled at his beard. ‘We have money problems. And the money problem is – we don’t have any. We’ve nothing in the bank. In fact we have less than nothing in the bank.’

‘Dad, how can you have less than nothing?’ I asked.

‘It’s called an overdraft, Nicholas,’ Lancelot explained. ‘It means your mum and dad owe the bank money.’

‘Exactly,’ grunted Dad. ‘It’s because Cheese and Tomato cost so much.’

Mum glared at Dad. ‘How many times do I have to remind you that the twins are called James and Rebecca, not Cheese and Tomato?’

Granny shook her head. ‘I don’t know what the fuss is about. After all, they were born in the back of a pizza delivery van. You should see the faces my friends pull when I tell them my two newest grandchildren are called Cheese and Tomato.’

‘I don’t want your friends pulling faces,’ snapped Mum. ‘Grannies are supposed to say things like “cootchy cootchy coo” to babies, not “ooh, cheese and tomato, my favourite, yummy yum”!’

‘Whatever they’re called, they cost too much,’ grumbled Dad. ‘They eat too much. They need too many clothes and they get through far too many nappies. They are costing us a fortune.’

‘They can’t go round without clothes or nappies, Ron,’ Mum pointed out.

‘I know that. I’m simply saying that we need to do something.’

‘So, have you got an idea for a Big Plan?’ asked Mum.

Dad smiled triumphantly. ‘I have. In fact I have thought of several ways we can either make money, or save money.’ No wonder Mum looked worried. Dad’s plans for anything usually lead to trouble.

‘OK,’ he announced.

‘Here is my fi rst idea for making money: we sell the twins.’

‘You can’t sell Cheese and To– I mean, James and Rebecca!’ protested Mum.

‘It’s only a suggestion,’ said Dad hastily. ‘Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I can see you don’t like that plan and I’m not very fond of it either, so here is my second idea: we sell Nicholas.’

‘Dad!’ I yelled.

‘You don’t like that either?

OK, quieten down. You’ll love this next one, I promise. Idea number three: we sell Granny.’

‘Oh for heaven’s sake, Ron, will you stop trying to sell off the entire family and come up with some halfway decent suggestion? And you can stop looking at me like that. I am not up for sale.’

Dad glanced round the table. He fl ashed his eyebrows up and down.

‘Do stop grinning like that,’ said Granny.

‘You look like a cannibal wondering how tasty we might be to eat.’

‘What an excellent idea,’ said Dad. ‘That would save us buying food for ages. We could eat each other. Who shall we start with?’

‘YOU!’ everyone shouted in chorus.

‘Aagh!’ Dad gave a startled jump back. ‘All right, I get the message. Quieten down and

listen because I do actually have a Big Plan. We’re going to start a farm.’

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‘CELEBRATIONS’Extract: Chapter 2 of Gets Crowned (list of items for the celebration)Task 2

‘ORDER!’ bellowed Mr Tugg, climbing on to a table. ‘ORDER! QUIET!’ He glared at my dad so hard I almost expected Dad to shatter into little bits but he didn’t. He simply sat there smiling and enjoying the chaos he’d created.

At last some peace was restored and Mrs Quince-Porage was able to get on with collecting ideas. By the time the meeting was fi nished a list of events had been drawn up.

A street party

Coronation of the oldest couple in the street

A fancy-dress contest

Fireworks (It was decided that there should be at least three. Whoopee!)

Dad’s band, with Mrs Q-P as singer

A beauty contest for the police ( Just joking!)

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‘SERGEANT SMUGG’S RULES AND REGULATIONS’Extract: Chapter 3 of Gets Crowned (Sergeant Smugg’s Rules and Regulations)Task 1

‘Sergeant Smugg squared his shoulders. ‘The road will have to be closed to traffi c.’

‘Of course the road will be closed to traffi c!’ shouted Dad. ‘How will traffi c get past thirty whopping great dining tables going all the way down it?’

The sergeant ignored my dad and went on. ‘In addition, I shall have to put up lots of red and white tape as a warning.’

‘Red and white tape,’ muttered Dad. ‘Jolly good. Must have lots of tape.’

‘There must be an offi cial notice for one week prior to the road closure announcing the closure and a statutory notice handed in to the local police station seven days beforehand signed by someone important, like the Prime Minister.’

‘An important man?’ Dad’s eyes lit up. ‘Like Mr Tugg?’

Mr Tugg puffed out his chest at the very idea that he might be important. ‘I’m deputy chairman,’ he told everyone, but they knew that already of course. ‘I could sign it.’

‘I’LL sign it,’ purred Mrs Quince-Porage. ‘I’M the chairwoman.’

Mr Tugg shot an armada of daggers at her.

‘Very well,’ agreed Sergeant Smugg, consulting his book of rules and regulations. ‘In addition, children less than fi fty centimetres tall and twenty centimetres wide are not allowed to have balloons in case they are carried away by a tornado.’

‘You’re mad,’ declared Dad.

‘Plus, crisps cannot be consumed on the road,’ said the policeman.

‘Why not?’ someone shouted.

‘Because they could cause a puncture and they make crumbs,’ declared Sergeant Smugg. ‘And crumbs attract pigeons, and pigeons make dirty splodges on my police car.’

‘But I like crisps!’ shouted Lancelot. This was followed by a chorus of ‘So do I!’ from around the hall.

‘I shall arrest any crisp-eaters,’ warned the sergeant, ‘and apply my handcuffs upon their bodily extremities. That is to say, their wrists.’

‘You’re defi nitely mad,’ Dad repeated. ‘Come on, you lot. Time we went home and left these lunatics to entertain themselves. We’ve got work to do. I must get the band together and start rehearsing.’ Dad rubbed his hands together and grinned. ‘I can’t wait. We shall probably get to number one in the charts! It’s going to be amazing!’

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‘MUSICAL ANIMALS!’Extract: Chapter 1 of The Hundred-Mile-An-Hour Dog (Streaker)Lead-in Task

Streaker is a mixed-up kind of dog. You can see from her thin body and powerful legs that she’s got a lot of greyhound blood in her, along with quite a bit of Ferrari and a large chunk of whirlwind.Nobody in our family likes walking her and this is hardly surprising. Streaker can out-accelerate a tornado. She can do 0 to 100 mph in the blink of an eye. She’s usually vanished over the jorizon long before you have time to yell – ‘Streaker!’Dad refuses to walk her, point-blank. ‘I’ve got backache,’ is his usual excuse, though how that stops him from walking I really haven’t a clue.

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Extract for Lesson 8 and Lesson9:

‘HIDDEN TALENTS!’ and ‘THE PERFECT CROWN!’Extract: Chapter 1 of My Dad’s Got an Alligator! (Introducing a Vegetarian Alligator)Task 1

My dad’s got an alligator! He brought it home from work. It used to belong to this man at the paper-mill where Dad works, but he couldn’t look after it any longer, so Dad said he would. He’s always doing crazy things like that. He’s great.

The alligator is almost as long as our sofa. Its eyes are black and yellow and they stare at you all the time. After a while it made me feel quite uncomfortable, as if it thought I was dinner or something. Dad said I was being silly. The alligator couldn’t possibly be hungry because it had just eaten six small children and the crossing patrol man outside the school. I suppose he thought that was funny.

I don’t think mum is very happy about having an alligator in the house. She hates things with lots of teeth. (She can’t even bear to look at Granny’s falsies when she puts them in cleaning fl uid overnight!)

Dad pointed out that people have lots of teeth too. Mum looked at him really sharply and said she could think of some people she didn’t much care for sometimes. (Ouch!)

‘Well, this alligator is completely harmless,’ said Dad. ‘In fact, it’s a vegetarian.’

‘Don’t be so stupid, Ronald,’ snapped Mum. ‘Its teeth are pointed. Sharp, pointed teeth are used for eating meat. What on earth do you think Granny will make of it?’

Dad gave her a tiger-leer. ‘What do you think the alligator will make of Granny?’ he asked. Mum glared back at him. I don’t know why but sometimes my dad just can’t see when Mum is actually a bit upset.

‘Listen’, Dad went on. ‘This alligator has never eaten anyone, never even bitten anyone. Not even a nibble.’

‘Oh Yes,’ Mum retorted. ‘And your name is Crocodile Dundee I suppose?’

She went straight upstairs to lock herself in the bedroom! I don’t know what she’s scared of. I think the alligator is adorable. It has this sort of lopsided smile on its face.

Sometimes it closes both eyes and then opens its jaws very slowly and very wide. Then all of a sudden they snap shut. KERLUNK! Dad said it would make a brilliant fl ycatcher. He’s trying to think of a good name for it, and so am I. I don’t know why we have to worry about Granny. She spends most of the day in her room playing pool on the mini snooker-table Dad gave her last Christmas. She’s almost completely deaf. This is what happened when I went to tell her about the alligator:

‘Hello Granny.’

‘What’s that? Oh, hello, Nicholas.’

‘Guess what? Dad’s got an alligator!’

‘You want to see Granny later? But you can see me now, dear. I’ll just pot the yellow.’

‘No – I said DAD HAS GOT AN ALLIGATOR!’

‘Your father wants to know if I want a potato? Is it teatime already? Tell him yes. I always like a bit of boiled potato. Thank you for asking. Oh fi ddlesticks, missed!’

See what I mean? It’s hardly worth the bother. Even so, I hope the alligator doesn’t eat her!

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‘ ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS!’

Extract: Chapter 7 of Gets Crowned (Charlie Smugg description)Lead-in Task

‘Anyhow, Charlie Smugg looks scary to me. I’ve never seen so many spots on a face. It’s like the moon. His three dogs were snarling and snapping at their leads. He scowled up at me on the slide and kept throwing a tennis ball into the air and catching it. Up – catch, up – catch. There was something about the way he did it that made it seem strange, as if it was some kind of secret message.

‘Enjoying yourself?’ he sneered.

‘Yes,’ I answered, trying to sound brave and challenging, but my voice came out all squeaky like my recorder playing.

He began to laugh: an unpleasant, low laugh. He put his skateboard on the path, looked up at me and said, ‘See you, sucker,’ and slowly scooted off, still laughing to himself.

Phew! I’d escaped. But what was all that about?

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‘ MR AND MRS WIBBLY: INSPIRATIONAL PEOPLE!’

Extract: Chapter 7 of Gets Crowned (Mrs Wibbly)Lead-in Task

This morning I went up to Granny’s house. Lancelot has written out all the music for me to play on my recorder. All I have to do now is practise it. Lots. It’s a relief not to have to tootle ‘Three Blind Mice’ any more. Lancelot told me about improvizing. That’s when you don’t just play the tune, you play around the tune. It sort of sounds like the tune, but it isn’t. He showed me on his saxophone and it looked easy, but I’m not sure it is.

I had no idea he and Granny were musicians. Granny was right when she said we don’t know what people can do until they show us. I mean, Mrs Wibbly might be eighty-seven now, but once upon a time she got a gold medal – at the Olympics! Pole-vaulting! I don’t suppose she can jump over her front doorstep now. That makes me feel a bit sad. I guess she’ll always have her gold medal, though.

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‘SILLY RECIPES!’Extract: Chapter 8 of Gets Crowned (recipes)Task 1

As it happened, Dad had decided not to make sausage rolls. He thought making mini pizzas would be easier.

‘Because they can make their own toppings for the pizzas,’ he explained.

‘I’m going to put cheese on mine!’ shouted Cheese, jumping up and down.

‘And I’m going to put strawberry jam and salami on mine,’ said Tomato.

‘I don’t think strawberry jam and salami will go together very well,’ I told her.

‘All right, I’ll do salami and blackberry jam.’

Dad cleared the kitchen table and got out the fl our and some water and yeast to make the pizza dough. The twins stood on chairs and Dad showed them what to do and they began work.

Before you could say ‘Get me out of here!’ the kitchen was BURSTING with clouds of fl our dust. Flour was everywhere. It was a fl our tornado. I mean, the twins are small and there are only two of them. How could they possibly make so much mess?

‘I can’t see a thing!’ cried Dad, peering through the fl our fog.

‘This is fun!’ Cheese shouted, patting his pizza dough hard and making even more fl our fl y up in the air. ‘Look, I’ve made a face!’ He held up his uncooked pizza. He had poked two eye holes and a big mouth hole in it.

‘Jumping jellyfi sh, it looks just like Mr Tugg,’ said Dad. And it did too.

Between us we managed to make THIRTY mini pizzas. Dad and I made most of them so they had decent toppings like ham and pineapple or red pepper, bacon and mozzarella. However, there were quite a few strange ones from the twins, like salami and chocolate, salami and crisps and salami and peanut butter. They seemed to like salami. I think it was because the word sounded funny.

After that the twins made gingerbread biscuits. Dad got out the pastry cutters and Tomato loved those, but Cheese wanted to make his own shapes. They turned out rather strange, but Cheese knew what they were if you asked.

‘That’s a shark and that one’s a tree and there’s a man with a gun hiding in it, and that one is a car crashing into another car and that one’s a toilet.’

‘Do you think people will want to eat a gingerbread toilet?’ I asked him.

‘No! It’s a funny shape for laughing. Not to eat!’ He obviously thought I was bonkers to even think anyone would want to eat it.

So we got all the pizzas and the gingerbread shapes made and they smelled lovely. The only problem was that the kitchen now looked as if a large troop of chimpanzees had come in and gone bananas all over it, and I suppose that wasn’t that far from the truth.

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