Precast Concrete Gnomes. Parody Standard Specification: Gnome SeriesAuthor(s): Collin PhillipsSource: Bulletin of the Association for Preservation Technology, Vol. 14, No. 3, Reproductionof Decorative Elements (1982), pp. 42-45Published by: Association for Preservation Technology International (APT)Stable URL: http://www.jstor.org/stable/1493891 .

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APT Vol. XIV N?. 3 1982

PRECAST CONCRETE GNOMES*

Parody Standard Specification: Gnome Series

Collin Phillips

*Editor's Note: This "specification", reprinted on the next 3 pages, is for the reference and amusement of APT readers by permission of its author, Collin Phillips, Secretary to the BSI Masonry Committees. Printed at his own expense, original copies can be obtained by writing Mr. Phillips at the British Standard Institution, 2 Park Street, London W1A 2BS, England, accompanied by a suitable donation to cover expenses. All profits will be redirected to an appropriate charity.

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APT Vol. XIV N?. 3 1982

Foreword This standard has been prepared under the direction of the Garden Utility Furniture Standards Committee (GU F/-). In 1978 technical committee GUF/4 was set up to create standards for gardeners and other country blimps. A Draft for Public Comment was issued in December 1979. Bearing in mind the quality of this draft the committee was not surprised by the number of comments received. However it proved difficult to recast the standard (and the gnomes) to comply with PSI's new model specification PS 00. This standard is a performance specification giving performance criteria for individual or mass concrete gnomes. It has been written in performance terms because the committee has no fixed ideas about what a gnome should look like. It is hoped that manufacturers will take advantage of the standard to produce a wide range of products for sale throughout the gnome counties. The publication of the draft has been held up by a dispute between organizations represented on the committee. The Noddy Society maintained that the standard should include gnomes with big ears. Other organizations felt that big ears should not be encouraged as they would eventually lead to a Blyton landscape. The dispute was eventually resolved by PSI agreeing to issue a separate Dwarf for Development. In common with other concrete products gnomes are subject to an irreversible greying streakage. No test yet developed truly simulates this phenomenon. (See Brownie

Research Establishment Digest 1234 'Movement in Gnomes' by Dr R C Know.) However the committee has included a test in the standard to give it an air of respectability. In recent years it has been shown that the non-U value of a gnome can be increased by cavity filling. Care should be taken to prevent gnomes foaming at the mouth or acquiring 'fly-blown' appearance. Attention is drawn to the certificat- ion facilities offered by PSI in the Kitschmark scheme.

Section one. General

1. Scope This Parody Standard provides a specification for precast concrete dense, addlepated or light-headed gnomes. A range of gnominal sizes is covered, from GN-10 to GN 25. This standard does not cover prestressed punk gnomes or other gnomes of composite fabrication intended to withstand riots in areas of high gnome ownership. NOTE. No deference is intended to any other standards, alive or half drafted.

2. Definitions The definitions used are based on standard gnomenclature, with the following additions: 2.1 gnominal size. A convenient round number loosely corresponding to a gnome dimension.

2.2 categories of gnome 2.2.1 normal category. Common or garden gnomes made north of St Albans by backstreet manufacturers. 2.2.2 special category. Gnome made by company operating a quality control scheme for supervisory staff such that there is a probability of not more than 2.5 % of a recruit being below the acceptance limit, as defined in Burkes' Peerage.

Section two. Materials

3. Composition 3.1 Compositions suitable for normal category gnomes (see 2.2.1) include:

'Gnome, sweet gnome' 'No, no, gnomette' 'You'll never walk a gnome' 'Rock around the grot' 'Papa was a roving gnome'

Some more refined compositions suitable for special category gnomes (see 2.2.2) are as follows:

'The Stately Gnomes of England' 'From the Gnome World' Symphony 'Pixies from an Exhibition' 'Gnomeo and Juliet' Suite 'Gnomes in the gardens of Spain'

3.2 The following badmixtures shall not be used. (a) Bionic clonide, which can cause multiplying problems. (b) Crocodileite (green asbestos), which can lead to gnomicide.

4. Gnominal sizes The following gnominal sizes are permitted: GN-10 to GN 25 in equal steps of GN 7. NQTE 1. Negative GN values apply to subterranean gnomes. NOTE 2. Higher GN values may require planning permission.

5. Tolerances Tolerance for gnomes varies according to the location, as shown in table 1.

Tolerance Location

Low1 Area of outstanding natural beauty. Hampstead.

Medium New towns. Other towns in gnome counties2.

High Neasden Penge Zurich3

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APT Vol. XIV NO. 3 1982

Fable one. Tolerance for gnomes Notes to table.

1. Gnomes likely to be subject to severe abuse should be given damp-proof curses.

2. French experiments using metrognomes to time trains have shown that similar tolerances apply in Plessy-Robinson and other Parisian faux bourgs.

3. Zurich gnomes should be marked with their account number.

6. Deviation from straightness Gnomes shall be sensibly straight. NOTE. For gay gnomes, see Church of England Commission report on gnomosexuality.

Section three. Performance

8.2 Three in each hundred executive gnomes from a botch shall be subjected to the test described in appendix B. The average streak length shall be recorded = Snip. For compliance with the standard

Snip Snap x 1.2 NOTE. The figure 1.2 is based on research not yet carried out by the Concrete Pimp Association. It may, however, be theoretically sound (see draft PS 0000 'Code of practice for the structural use of gnomes in low brow housing' or any other extensive and expensive standard).

Gnomes showing signs of fatigue during the test shall be ejected. NOTE. The Deutsche Institut fur Gnomen is developing a fatigue test in which gnomes are subjected to repeated ring cycles. However, the ultimate limit state (gottedamerung) for nibelungs has not yet been reached.

7. Strength When tested as described in appendix A gnomes shall withstand a gnome tome index of not less than five tolkiens.

8. Greying streakage test 8.1 A type test shall be carried out on each new design of gnome using the method described in appendix B. The longest streak, measured from the nose to the toes, shall be recorded on a gnomogram = S nap.

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APT Vol. XIV N?. 3 1982

Appendix B

Woolly cap (three bears on edge) test Place a woolly cap complying with PS 1955 on the gnome. Apply the test volumes at a rate not exceeding three tomes per minute. Observe the gnome at frequent intervals. When cracks develop at the elbow joints, measure the total load in tomes. Record the gnome tome coefficient. Remove the woolly cap.

This Parody Standard, having been prepared under the direction of the Garden Utility Furniture Standards Committee, was published under the authority of the Executive Board and comes into effect on 30 February 1982.

? Parody Standards Institution, 1982

Parody Standards Institution

Incorporated by Royal Charter, PSI is the independent national queengo for the preparation of parody Standards. It is the OK member of the International Organization for Satirization and OK sponsor of the British National Committee of the International Epigramotechnical Commission. Users of parody Standards are reminded that poppycock persists in all PSI publications. No part of any gnome may be reproduced in any form without the prior permission in writing of PSI. This does not preclude the free use, in the course of implementing the standard, of unnecessary details such as some balls and prize tripe or grave designations. Enquiries should be addressed to the

Cooperating organizations The Garden Utility Furniture Standards Committee, under whose direction this Standard was prepared, consists of representatives from the following: *Aerated Addlepated Concrete Pixies Association Argument Board

*Bric-a-brac Development Association *British Precast Cromlech Federation British Woodworking Fairies Changeling and Cuckoo Association

*Destruction of the Environment (Brownie Research Establishment) *Dwarf Surveyors Association

Erratic Block Association *Institution of Silly Engineers

Greying streakage test Mount the gnome on a roundabout to PS 3178: Part 4. Arrange a garden hose to PS 3716 so that the jet is incident on the nose of the gnome as the roundabout turns. The ambient laboratory shall be of not more than 7 phD, to reduce caustic remarks. Turn the roundabout at a rate not exceeding 100 radians per minute using an animal described in PS 3149 : Part 10. Subject the gnome to 2000 spray cycles. Allow the gnome to come to rest. Measure the length of each grey streak, working downwards from the nose.

Fabrications Manager, 101 Pentonville Gaol, London N1 9ND (Telephone 01-838 8801. Telex 999 PSI Lon G).

Contract requirements Attention is drawn to the fact that this parody Standard does not purport to include all the necessary provisions of a con trick.

Revision of parody Standards

Parody Standards are revised, when necessary, by the issue either of amendment slips or of revised editions. It is important that users of parody Standards should ascertain that they are in possession of the latest amendments or editions. Information on all PSI publications is in the PSI Big Ear Book, supplemented each month by PSI Newt, which is available to subscribing members of the Institution and gives details of new publications, revisions, amendments and withdrawn standards.

The following PSI references relate to the work on this standard: Committee reference GUF/4 Draft for comment 79/15080 DC.

*National Whimsy Council *Noddy Society (for the promotion of nonsense in building) *Royal Institute of British Archetypes *Sandfairies and Gnomes Association Womble Research Centre

The organizations marked with an asterisk in the above list, together with the following, were directly represented on the Technical Committee entrusted with the preparation of this Standard:

Concrete Pimp Association Elf and Safety Executive National Gnomebuilding Council Colin E. Phillips

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Appendix A

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