RepairCycle

Long SPOONS, TuningFORKS, &

The Art of Relationship Repair

FlamencoDANCING

Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3

Review

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Attachment Styles

Brent Theis, MA, LPC-S

www.lakepointe.org/COUNSELING


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Review

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Temperaments

Casey Christian, LCSW



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Review

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Temperaments &

Four Horseman

Casey Christian, LCSW



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Review

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Fear Cycle

Carolyn Sidereas, MS, LPC-S



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Let’s Collect Some Group STATS

Get out your cell phones and type in

‘Kahoot.it’ in your search engine.

Go to Kahoot.it

You can use your initials or a nickname.

Use a Nickname

There is no wrong answer. Answer the

questions to the best of your ability!

Let’s Play!

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Today

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Repair Cycle

Elizabeth Davis, MA, LPC



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Repair Maxims • All people are annoying.

• There’s nothing more difficult than another person.

• There’s a big difference between annoying and

threatening.

• There’s no such thing as a low-maintenance person.

• All people are high-maintenance, up close.

• Couples usually act according to wiring, not

knowledge, especially under stress.

• This ‘wiring’, or attachment style, is faster than

cognitive thought.

• Most people don’t know what they are doing or why –

most people are on ‘autopilot’.

• Memory retrieval under stress is not always reliable.

• Self-narrative needs reflection and testing.

• People are usually doing the best they can.

• All relationship failures begin with a dysregulated

CNS – not necessarially the ‘fault’ of one or the other.

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Repair TERMS

•Anxious = Pursuer = Wave = an Insecure, 1–Person System

•Avoidant = Withdrawer = Island = an Insecure, 1-Person System

•Attunement = to Attune = to Synchronize 2-Person CNS

•Buttons = Dragons = Emotional Sore Spots

•Autopilot = Wiring = Imprinting

•Autonomy = Self-made wo/man= Have No Need of Others =

Living Independent of God’s Lead

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What BROKE?

Parable of LONG SPOONS A parable to 2 relational worlds

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Amos 3:3 60

What’s not BROKE?

Perichoresis

Perichoresis is a theological

expression that describes an

aspect of the Trinity. It

describes the Trinity as a

form of dance, combining

harmony, individualism and

yet perfect consideration for

each other.


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Is this US? What needs REPAIR?


Amos 3:3 60

The FALL into SELF-PRESERVATION


Amos 3:3 60

The FALL into ALONENESS

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We Fell from a ‘WE’ to an ‘I'


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The FALL into ALONENESS

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A Picture: BIRTH – We begin life as a ‘WE’ and develop into an ‘I’


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BRAKE #1 Our Attachment to GOD

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Attachment to God SELF over God


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BRAKE #2 Our Attachment to EACH OTHER

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Attachment to Others SELF Over Others


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BRAKE #3 Our Inner Integration

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Attachment Within A Divided SELF


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The #1 Marital FIX! How to REPAIR Broken Attachment with GOD

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There is only ONE that is Right


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Can’t REPAIR without GOD!

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2 ?


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Pursuer > - < Pursuer

< - Withdrawer Withdrawer - >

How to REPAIR Broken Covenant Relationship

Can’t REPAIR without GOD!


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The #2 Marital FIX! REPAIR Our Attachment with Others


Amos 3:3 60

Long Spoons

The #3 Marital FIX! How to REPAIR Our Inner Division


Amos 3:3 60

Spiritual Practices

REPAIR Cycle & Long Spoons!


Amos 3:3 60

REPAIRING Our Attachment with Others

SECURE Couples


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SECURE Couples

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• Mindful of all 3 Covenant Partners: God (Trinity), Husband & Wife

• Intentional about Protecting the Covenant

• Operate as a Two-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as a ‘We’ not an ‘I’

• Relate from a heart posture of longing for, and not fear of : faith-based, not fear-based

• Are each other’s Go-To person : show delight in one another, have a smile waiting

• Protect one another in public and in private

• Each is an ‘Expert’ on the other : able to co-regulate their partners with expertise

• Repair injuries & misattunements Quickly

• Amplify positives, Foreshorten negatives

• Fidelity : Proper Management of Thirds


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SECURE Couples


Amos 3:3

SAFE HAVEN Agreements

I am here for you! Availability

You can trust me to have your back. Reliability

I will respond to your bids for connection or repair. Responsibility

I am your go-to for fun, play, security & comfort. Provider

I am a follower, not a fan. Becoming

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The REPAIR Cycle! Where are you, Beloved?


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The DIVIDED Self!

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Prefrontal Lobe

Limbic Brain

Brain Stem

Neo-Cortex


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Amygdala Below Thinking Brain

The DIVIDED Self!


Amos 3:3 60

Mind Before the Fall

Mind After the Fall

Right Pursuer

Left Withdrawer

The DIVIDED Self!


Amos 3:3 60

Two CNS System! Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!

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Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!

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REPAIR Cycle & Tuning Forks!

Attune CNS Systems! Oh, Beloved! How WE have Fallen!

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Amos 3:3 60


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• Turn Toward

• Face-to-Face

• Eye-to-Eye

• Ear-to-Ear

• Skin-to-Skin, Touch

• Tense/Relax, Pendulation


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• Turn Toward

• Face-to-Face

• Eye-to-Eye

• Ear-to-Ear

• Skin-to-Skin, Touch



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Up-Regulate

Down-Regulate

Withdrawer

Pursuer


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Turning TOWARD : Close Proximity of the Near Senses


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Amos 3:3 60



Amos 3:3 59

Two CNS System!

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Pursuer

Withdrawer

Withdrawer

Pursuer

Regulates

Regulates


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Pursuer Skills

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Pursuer Withdrawer

Regulates

• Give Withdrawer SAFE HAVEN affirmations, “I appreciate your leadership /

commitment to our family, I value all that you do for us “ …

• Give Withdrawer at least 20 minute RESPITE if they are FLOODED

• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually CORNER the Withdrawer,

• Give physical, psychological and spiritual SPACE

• Ask, “Is this a good time?” and if not, give SPACE

• Allow Withdrawer to SET the PACE,

• Ask, “do we need to pick this conversations up later?”

• Withdrawer is pained by messages of Inadequacy , Blame & Rejection,

• ALWAYS give Withdrawer GRACE + TRUTH, in that order.

• Affirm their worth, your goodwill toward them, then negotiate change

• THEN TURN TOWARD – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …


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Withdrawer Skills

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• Give Pursuer SAFE HAVEN affirmations, “I am not going anywhere, I am here

for you” …

• Give Pursuer Close Proximity after any 20 minute RESPITE from Flooding

• Do not physically, psychologically or spiritually STONEWALL

• Use technology, such as texting for quick messages that suggest, “I’m

thinking about you!”

• Reach Out Often during long periods of separation

• Pursuer is pained by messages or behaviors that look or sound like

Abandonment or Being a Burden

• Say, ‘Loving you is a joy, no burden”, “I will always REACH for you”

• TURN TOWARD as soon as you can – eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose …

Withdrawer Pursuer

Regulates


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Routes to Repair


Amos 3:3

SLOW

• Long paragraphs of speech (explanations, reasons, excuses)

• No response (no utterances, no gestures, still face)

FAST

• Few, but precise words (“Ok”, “I’m sorry”, “You’re right”)

• Direct, concise speech (“I really appreciate what you did”, “I’m so grateful that you're in my life.”

QUICKEST

• Turn Toward

• Softened Facial Expression (Empathy)

• Gentle Prosody (gentle vocal tone)

• Non-threatening and non-sexual touch)

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A NEW Way

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When you are able to express anger to me and I don’t back away from you, we’ve achieved a WE !


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Amos 3:3 60

Goal: SECURE Functioning


Amos 3:3 60

Addressing INSECURE Patterns


Amos 3:3 60

Deficits

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• Operate as a One-part Physical, Psychological and Spiritual System : operates as an ‘I’ not a ‘We’


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Deficits

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Possible Deficits:

• Misses microattempts at connection or repair – Adult Aspergers, ADHD, etc..

• Not able to Quickly Move into Repair - slow motor response, cultural, ETOH,

drugs, organic, medical, emotional distress (grief),pornography, masturbation

• Serious Attachment Injuries

• Alexithymia (common in anorexia, IBS, etc.) - Emotion Hue Blindness: full

spectrum, partial (ie. intense hues) spectrum

• Restricted Emotions in Childhood

• Left-brain Bias


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Deficits

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Pro

xim

ity

Time

Close

Far

Soon Late


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Deficits

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Deficits - Childhood

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Attachment

Signal / Bid

Response

Consequence

Was it caught? •Secure = Yes!

•Insecure = No!

Response too late? Inconsistent?

Misattuned? Frightening? •Secure = No!

•Insecure = Yes!

Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished? •Secure = No!

•Insecure = Yes!


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Attachment

Signal / Bid

Response

Consequence

Was it caught? •Secure = Yes!

•Insecure = No!

Response too late? Inconsistent?

Misattuned? Frightening? •Secure = No!

•Insecure = Yes!

Attacked? Withdrawn from? Rejected? Punished? •Secure = No!

•Insecure = Yes!


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Deficits - 2015

Therapeutic Interventions

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Attachment

Signal / Bid

Response

Consequence

Face Tracing

Lover’s Pose

Left-Cradle

Nonsexual Touch

Let Me Come Near

Love Aura

Secure Couple Attachment

Launching & Landing Rituals

Eye Gazing

Breathing as Two

Monkey Love

Therapeutic Charades

Therapeutic Catch

Staging Bonding Enactments

Coach Withdrawer Engagement

Coach Pursuer Softening


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Spiritual Warfare

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Neurons that Fire Together, Wire Together!

Do you mentally rehearse your Spouse’s flaws?

Do you have a Neural Network of Criticism? Contempt? Hate? of your Spouse?

ReWire! Come off Autopilot!

Philippians 4:8

Therefore, my brethren, those things that are true, those that are honorable,

those that are righteous, those things that are pure, those things that are precious,

those things that are praiseworthy, deeds of glory and of praise, meditate on these things. Aramaic Bible in Plain English


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WHAT Next?

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Make Appointment with Christy at:

469.698.2250

•Safe Haven Packet prior to Intake

•Intake – 2 hour - $170

•Session - $85

•Weekly or EOW

Couple Therapy

April 17, 2015 6:pm – 9:pm

April 18, 2015 8:30 – 2:30

$79 per couple

Safe Haven Conference

Tuesday Nights | 6:30pm – 8:30pm

| Rm. C100

Start on any Tuesday night that

we are meeting.

Childcare: Available from 6 wks

old to grade 5

Re-ENGAGE


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Children & Secure Functioning

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Children & Adolescents

Therapist

Malia Nompone, MS, LPC


60 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?

Amos 3:3

• Breaking Generational Fear Cycle Patterns

• Assisting Youth with signs of Anxious

(Pursuer) Attachment

• Assisting Youth with Signs of Avoidant

(Withdrawing) Attachment

• Assisting Child Survivors of Abuse

THANK YOU


Remember: Practice makes Progress!

from glory to glory …

RepairCycle

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