B R A N D Y V A N D E R H E I D E N M F T , S E P

Family Stressbusters:Reduce Stress, Increase

Enjoyment in Life

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What is the Antedote to Stress?2

Play!

Topics:

A different way to understand stress

Simple changes you can make to improve life in your family

Tools you can use to manage stress (and teach to your children)

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Everyone Has a “Bandwidth”

When our bandwidth is constantly stretched, our days can start out with little or no bandwidth left.

We use up our bandwidth with:

• Day-to-day chores,

• Family and personal needs,

• Employment

• Extra demands that pop up,

• Urgencies that arise.

We replenish our bandwidth with:

• Sleep

• Rest

• Play

• Support

• Food

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Other Bandwidth “Bandits”5

Media

Designed to raise your anxiety

Addictive

Information overload

Sensory overload

You may be more sensitive than you realize

Overscheduling

Mom’s taxi

Extracurricular activities

When we are inside our bandwidth:6

We may notice feeling: Open, curious • Relaxed yet alert

Embodied • Appropriately

reactive

Available for connection • Able to be present

Fluid, resilient • Emotionally stable

Competent, a sense of mastery • Healthy,

symptoms are manageable

When we are inside our bandwidth:7

Our relationships improve

Our partners are more likely to be supportive and connected

Our children are more likely to be calm, cooperative and happy (they also learn better and do better in school)

Our health improves

Most of us are rarely (or never)inside our bandwidth

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We live day-to-day on “borrowed bandwidth”

We plan to “catch up on sleep” someday soon

We override all of our body’s signals for slowing down

This is not a problem if it happens for a short time, but for many people it is a chronic issue.

Healthy Nervous System

•Activation may be play and excitement, as well as fright/startle that kicks into fight/flight

•Settling time is SO important (for all of us!)

•The important thing is that we have the ability to easily flow between the two states.

Normal Range

When our systems are not “in range”

•When the system is overwhelmed, the activation is outside the normal healthy range.

This is where we see symptoms and behaviors of stress

Normal Range

Stuck in over-activation

Stuck in collapse(This is the common, often dominant pattern in people who are

chronically stressed, aka most of us.)

When we go out of our bandwidth:11

Management/Coping I tell myself it’s just until we get

through _____

I get irritated with my partner and kids more often

I take 3 deep breaths to manage my temper

I binge on chocolate, coffee, shopping, alcohol, etc.

Symptoms Headache/migraine

Digestive upset (constipation, diarrhea)

Muscle tension

Fatigue

Anxiety

Depression

Things You Can Do:12

1. Make a commitment in your family to reducing stress and increasing time to connect.

Identify and eliminate online time wasters (Facebook diet?).

Media diet (will automatically reduce anxiety).

Time outs from all tech every day (airplane mode!).

Shared downtime together every day.

Things You Can Do:13

2. Let yourself be bored

When you sit with boredom, you might find your brain comes

up with something different to do.

What is your impulse?

Things You Can Do:14

2. Go outside

Nature, animals and small children are great teachers about

curiosity and being in the moment. When we are in the

moment, stress tends to go down.

Most Importantly:15

3. Learn to detect physiological signs of stress in yourself and your family members, and use these signs to help stay inside your bandwidth.

This might mean you:

Reduce your schedule.

Rest when tired.

Pay attention to when you’re pushing and do differently.

Notice when your children are reaching their limits and help them redirect.

An Experiment:16

Strengthening access to body awareness

Sensations in our body let us know when something is happening that needs attention.

They tell us when we feel safe and happy.

Because of conditioning and past experience, most people living in this country have minimal access to sensation (it takes practice to cultivate it).

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Family Stressbusters – Dive Deeper18

8-Week Family Stress Reduction class.

How to use body awareness of stress to help notice and

shift out of stress and into connection.

Strengthening the couple relationship

Increasing resilience and self-regulation in children

Communication for more peaceful interactions

Navigating intergenerational and multi-cultural family

challenges

Family Stressbusters Toolkit for Settling: Find tools in different “channels”

1. Thought Channel:

Developing “the observer” – “I notice I’m activated.”

Thought stopping

Balance or temper the negative thoughts

Things going in a loop? Change the “channel”

2. Body Channel:

Does your body want to move? Take a walk, get up and stretch (try not to let the thoughts continue)

Squeeze up and down your arms or rub arms, legs & torso (as if you were cold)

Sing or hum

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More settling ideas:

4. Change it up

If other things are not working or increasing activation, try to “change the subject.”

Put something on TV that is engaging but not activating

Music

Any distraction that will give the activation time to settle without increasing

5. Get outside help

Turn your attention to the outside environment (versus inside thoughts, emotions and sensations)

Do a mundane chore that takes your attention

Take a walk and see what you get curious about

Talk to a friend about anything that is not activating

• A friend who knows about activation might understand about settling and help hold the space with you

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Breathing Exercises

Breathing exercises can cause activation in some cases, so start slow and proceed only if it feels helpful.

1. Take a full breath in, then exhale slowly until your lungs are comfortably empty. Wait until you have the urge to breathe and then take a breath. Repeat 2 more times.

2. Take a breath in and hold. Take a little more and hold. One more small sip and hold. Slowly exhale.

Now notice how you feel.

Soulmindyoga.com – free download

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Teaching Stress Management to Kids22

Kids learn to manage stress by watching adults.

Learning to put a name to what they’re feeling (emotion and sensation) helps them understand it.

After you learn to track your own bandwidth, you can spot changes in your child’s bandwidth and teach them to do the same

Everyone benefits by noticing what it feels like when things are more relaxed.

Contact:

Brandy Vanderheiden, MFT, SEP

www.soulmindyoga.com

Facebook: Brandy Vanderheiden

Practice in Mountain View

CHAC/FIRST 5 Program (Mountain View, Sunnyvale & Cupertino)

Mercystreetfrc.blogspot.com

Facebook: MercyStreetFRC

8 week Family Stressbusters class: taking wait list for next round

Developed by Brandy Vanderheiden and Dr. Michael Changaris

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