Rav Dessler and Dale Carnegie

8/18/2019 Rav Dessler and Dale Carnegie

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“Accept the Truth from He Who Speaks It”; Rav Eliyahu Dessler and Dale Carnegie*

By Rabbi Yoel Catane Hama’ayan, April 1992

Rambam, in his introduction to Shmoneh Perakim, justifies the practice of

omitting a source when people’s knowledge of the source will cause them not to acceptthe idea.

“… and accept the truth from he who speaks it; and sometimes I will

mention an entire matter which is based upon a certain well known book

without mentioning its source - there is no evil in this…in this way

perhaps I will cause these ideas to be accepted in the hearts of those who

do not accept this person and otherwise will think that the idea is

detrimental and contains an evil intention that he is unaware of; therefore I

saw fit to omit the name of the person who said the idea …”

Similarly the great Rav Yisrael Salanter, founder of the Mussar Movement exercised the same practice. In his book, Reb Yisrael Salanter, Prof. Immanuel Etkes of1

Jerusalem describes in great detail how Rav Yisrael encouraged the printing and2

distribution of the mussar book, Cheshbon HaNefesh, written by the well known maskil

(scholar), Menachem Mendel Lefin from Satanow (1749-1826), a book which is

predominantly based upon the writings of the American philosopher and statesman

Benjamin Franklin. The book is accepted to this day in the yeshiva world as a kind of a

mussar book and is reprinted from time to time.

Recently, to my great surprise, I discovered that one of the well known students of

the students of Rav Yisrael Salanter, the famous Mashgiach Rav Eliyahu Dessler Zt”l ,also exercised this practice. In his book, Michtav M’Eliyahu , there is a chapter entitled,3

“Reviewing One’s Character; the Root of Perfection,” which is a summary of a talk given

in the Ponovezh Yeshiva in Bnei Brak in September of 1949. In the first paragraph of this

chapter Rav Dessler offers “a quick and easy method” of purifying oneself from the

impurities of sin which will, in turn, enable one to cling to The Holy One with a complete

heart. This method is revealed to us by chaz”l in the Gemmora Rosh Hashana. The4

* Translation and footnotes by Ari Waxman, July 2005.

Immanuel Etkes , Rabbi Israel Salanter and the Mussar Movement : Seeking the Torah of Truth.1

Philadelphia, PA: Jewish Publication Society 1993.

Pp. 123 ff.2

Jerusalem: Moriah Offset, 1983, Volume IV P.2433

17a4


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words of the Gemmora say, “He who reviews his character will be forgiven for his sins.”

Rashi explains this passage to be referring to a person who is not exact with those who

cause him difficulties and, in turn, the divine measure of retribution is not exact with him.

Rav Dessler explains that the way to reach this characteristic is by accustoming oneself to

look at a friend in the way that the friend sees himself. Most anger and arguments stem

from the fact that man perceives himself differently than other people perceive him, andif everyone would try to understand his fellow man, even without justifying his behavior,

most quarrels would be avoided. Rav Dessler feels that the key to improving

interpersonal relations lies in the ability of understanding our fellow man in the same way

that we perceive ourselves.

In the continuation of this chapter, due to the tremendous importance of this

matter, Rav Dessler puts forth a few concrete steps of action that can be applied which

will enable one to be more successful in this area. Although Rav Dessler notes that there

may be some ulterior motives present, since man benefits from the fact that he will find

favor in people’s eyes, the down to earth benefits will eventually help raise him to reach ahigher level of divine service. Rav Dessler proceeds to offer ten points of advice and

sums up, “He who applies these principles will find it simple, with time, to forego any

type of anger towards his friend since he will become accustomed to seeing things from

his friend’s vantage point.”

And here is the point of surprise. I found that these exact points, sometimes

almost verbatim, were written by the American writer and educator Dale Carnegie in his

well known book, How to Win Friends and Influence People.5

The first clause in Rav Dessler’s list tells us that interactions with one’s fellowman should not be led solely by cold intellect but, rather, we should also take into

consideration his state of mind.

This is discussed at the end of the first chapter of Carnegie’s book, where he

writes that one must remember that human beings are fragile and sensitive beings.6

The second clause notes that people always think that there is a certain area in

which they are better than you, and they are probably correct about that. Therefore, agree

with them on this issue – and they will like you.

Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People; Pathways to Success. (Dale Carnegie and5

Associates, Inc.)

p.12 “When dealing with people let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are6

dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”


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This, in essence, is a summary of the sixth chapter of the book which deals with

the importance of recognizing the fact that every individual excels in a certain area and

when we recognize this we will see wonderful results. 7

In the third clause, Rav Dessler writes that everyone is more interested in their

own affairs than they are in yours and therefore you should try to show the other personwhere your interests and his interests overlap.

This is the theme of the third chapter of Carnegie’s book which sums up this idea

with the words of the famous auto manufacturer, Henry Ford, who said, “If there is any

one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see

things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”8

The fourth clause states that we should not strive for mere compliance by the

second party but, rather, we should strive for the second party being interested and

satisfied from that which we are trying to accomplish.

This is the theme of the ninth chapter of the fourth section of the book entitled,“Making People Glad to Do What you Want.”

The fifth clause warns against engaging in arguments.

This is the theme of the first chapter of the third section of the book entitled “You

Can’t Win an Argument”.9

The sixth clause deals with the importance of speaking about others and their

interests as opposed to speaking about oneself. In addition, writes Rav Dessler, realize

that the word “I” is people’s favorite word, and there is nothing that a person finds more

attractive than his own name.

p. 95 “The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. John Dewey, as we have already7

noted, said that the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; and William Jones said: thedeepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

p. 104 “Talk to people about themselves”, said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled theBritish Empire. “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours”.

p. 358

p. 112 “As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a9

victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”


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These points are discussed at length in the fourth and fifth chapters of the second

section of the book, and the latter points are mentioned there in the third chapter.10 11

The seventh clause - Listen to others, try to remember people’s names and details

about them, and you will find that they will like you.

This too is discussed in the third chapter of the second section.12

The eighth clause tells us never to openly criticize our friends because this will12

only cause them to become more stubborn. Even the lowest of murderers does not admit

to themselves that they are wrong.

This piece of advice appears in the first chapters of the fourth section of the book,

while the end of this clause appears in the first chapter of the book, where Carnegie

describes, at great length, the lives of some of the worst criminals in the United States.

Carnegie’s conclusion: “If Al Capone, “Two Gun” Crowly, Dutch Schultz, and all the

desperate men and woman behind prison walls don’t blame themselves for anything -

what about the people with whom you and I come in contact?”

The ninth clause - Don’t be afraid to admit your mistake to your friend. Why

should he hate you?

p. 88 “Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves10

and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more tothat person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more

than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation. Be a good listener.Encourage others to talk about themselves.”

p. 93 “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.”

pp. 78-79 “We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is11

wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. The name setsthe individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others... Remember that a person’s name is tothat person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

p. 5 “Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify12

himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance,and arouses resentment.

p.15 “Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they dowhat they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance,and kindness.”

p. 200 “An effective way to correct others’ mistakes is… call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.”

p. 205 “Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.”


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This is the theme of the third chapter of the third section of the book, entitled “If

You’re Wrong Admit It.”13

The tenth clause - Remember the advice of the doctors who tell us that it is more

important to understand the patient than it is to understand the illness since, very often,most of the illness stems from the patient’s mood and providing a healthy portion of love

and care can help cure them.

This rule and other examples are mentioned in the second chapter of the first

section, entitled, “The Big Secret of Dealing with People.”14

In conclusion: It is clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that Rav Dessler took these

words of advice from Carnegie’s book. This also coincides with the fact that Rav Dessler,

who lived in England for many years, was fluent in English, the language in which How

to Win Friends was written. In addition, I have been informed by Professor Mordechai

Breur, who was a student in England at the time, that Rav Dessler gave many classes toJewish Orthodox students, and he had many meetings with them during which he heard

about many philosophical approaches and different issues in literature and science. To

complete the matter, I spoke with Rabbi Aryeh Carmel, the editor of Michtav M’Eliyahu,

and he confirmed my theory. He clarified, however, that Rav Dessler did not gather the

information directly from Dale Carnegie’s book, How to Win Friends but, rather, through

a synopsis of his principles which was written in a review of the book that appeared in

Reader’s Digest many years ago.

Here we see the greatness of Rav Eliyahu Dessler, who knew how to reap wisdom

and education, including from Dale Carnegie, to nourish his students as part of his effortsin raising them towards greater heights in Torah and fear of G-d.

p. 134 “Remember the old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more13

than you expected. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.”

p. 18 “Lincoln once began a letter saying: Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said: “The14

deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

p. 29 “Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise and people will cherish your words andtreasure them and repeat them over a lifetime – repeat them years after you have forgotten them. Givehonest sincere appreciation.”


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Rav Dessler and Dale Carnegie

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