Raising Responsible Children
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Transcript of Raising Responsible Children
Raising Responsible Children
Presentation by
Anthony Marra, LISW
Presentation Caveats
There are no guarantees. The best of parents can produce the most
difficult of kids The worst of parents can produce the most
responsible of kids. Becoming a better parent only increases
chances of producing responsible children.
The Situation
Childhood is approximately 20% of life. At times, parents unconsciously believe their kids will
be kids forever. By the time your child is in junior high, they are
making nearly all decisions about how to act and spend time. *
80% of life is spent as an adult Very few overcome the patterns they develop as
children. *
Are we raising children to be grown children or adults? *
What qualities do you want your children to have by the time they are 18 (an adult)?
Choice Pyramid (Love and Logic)
Adult – 18 years
High School – Almost everything
Junior High – study after school or evening
Elementry – Soccer Team or Swim Team
Toddler – Gloves or Mittens
Birth
More LimitsLess Choice
Less Limits More Choice
Least LimitsMost Choice
Upside Down Parenting
Least LimitsMost Choice
More Limits Less Choice
Most LimitsLeast Choice
2 Approaches to Solving Problems
Reactive (Emergency) Convenient Now Quick fix Immediate Improvement Interferes with natural
processes (preservatives, pharmaceuticals, pesticides, etc.)
Pressured, lack of time, energy, or resources
Focus on Present Temporary - exacerbates or
postpones dealing with root cause
Inconvenient Later
Holistic Inconvenient Now Hard work upfront May get worse at first Use of natural processes
Patience
Focus on future effect Long term solution Preparation and forethought
Convenient Later
3 Emergency Parenting Styles
Burned Out Overworked, unorganized, unplanned, tired,
stressed out Anxiety Driven
Love for children leads to excessive worry and protection.
Control Driven Failure and disobedience are not tolerated,
Parents do the thinking, children obey.
Burned Out Parenting Techniques
Please Them Make it easier/Do it for them Give them the answer Make threats, don’t follow through Lose patience Buy them things Rush them, pressure them Put them off as long as possible What ever gives us a moment of peace
Unintended Message: You are a burden to me and I would rather not spend time with you.
What type of child does Burnt Out parenting produce? Anxious Defiant Spoiled Inconsiderate Rude Forgetful Aggressive
Clingy Insecure Lazy Attention Seeking Annoying Angry Succumb to peer
pressure
Anxiety Driven Parents . . .
Protect kids from unpleasant things Do things for their kids Don’t let them experience failure or sadness Make decisions for them Solve their problems Are afraid to upset their children Don’t set boundaries
Message: You are not strong enough to handle things yourself.
What type of child does Anxiety Driven Parenting produce? Anxious Lazy Gullible Defiant Socially Awkward Forgetful Overly Sensitive
Shy Insecure Spoiled Sore Loser Low Self Esteem
Control Driven Parenting Techniques
Tell them what to do Lecture Do the thinking for them Withhold affection when they fail or disobey Intimidate them Favor a particular child
Message: You’re not smart enough to know what to do.
What type of child does Control Driven Parenting produce? Rebellious Poor Judgment Out to prove something Dependent Low Self-esteem Overly Competitive Easily succumb to peer pressure
Hidden Messages
Wearing coat in cold weather Why don’t you have your coat on, don’t you
know its freezing out? Don’t forget your coat honey? What do you mean its not cold? Of course its
cold, put you’re coat on. You know, you’ve never told me how you
decide when its cold enough to wear a coat.
What to say when your child does something that is not smart
Pretend you are talking to your boss (word it in a way that does not insult her character).
Show empathy.
Holistic Parents Allow their Children to . . . think make decisions Solve their own problems struggle pay consequences Fail Holistic parents want to be wanted not need to be
needed And they show love regardless
Message: You can handle it, I trust you, you are smart, you are capable.
What type of child does Holistic Parenting Produce? Respectful Confident Independent Helpful Responsible
Socially Engaging Organized Wise Assertive
Two Critical Skills to Raising Responsible Children Sending message of Love Giving Choices
Sending the Message of Love
Even when punishing – never let your child believe you enjoy punishing her.
Not conditional – Your child must know he is good enough the way he is.*
Don’t rub it in when you’re right. Instead show empathy.
Smiling, eye contact, wrestling, noticing their interests.
Rules for Giving Choices
Provide two reasonable options Third option- Parent chooses Don’t provide choice (and never a promise or
threat) you can’t live with.
Specific Situations says he hates his teacher getting made fun of Bedtime Eating Issues/meal time Resistant kids and
teens/Defiant Difficult car rides Bad Grades Managing Money Stealing Temper Tantrums Buying things at stores Lying Talking about sex
Chores Fears Sibling Rivalry Hitting, biting, Fighting Annoying behaviors, noise,
tapping, etc. Sleeping alone Problems Sharing Cleaning room Peer Pressure Dirty Looks/back talk Public Misbehavior Whining
Books to Read
Love and Logic – Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay
People Making – Virginia Satir Plug-In Drug – Marie Winn Uncommon Therapy – Jay Haley
Anthony Marra, LISW
Chagrin Family Therapy Center, LLC
440-804-6627
www.chagrinfamilytherapy.com