Raising Responsible Children

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Raising Responsible Children Presentation by Anthony Marra, LISW

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Transcript of Raising Responsible Children

Page 1: Raising Responsible Children

Raising Responsible Children

Presentation by

Anthony Marra, LISW

Page 2: Raising Responsible Children

Presentation Caveats

There are no guarantees. The best of parents can produce the most

difficult of kids The worst of parents can produce the most

responsible of kids. Becoming a better parent only increases

chances of producing responsible children.

Page 3: Raising Responsible Children

The Situation

Childhood is approximately 20% of life. At times, parents unconsciously believe their kids will

be kids forever. By the time your child is in junior high, they are

making nearly all decisions about how to act and spend time. *

80% of life is spent as an adult Very few overcome the patterns they develop as

children. *

Are we raising children to be grown children or adults? *

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What qualities do you want your children to have by the time they are 18 (an adult)?

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Choice Pyramid (Love and Logic)

Adult – 18 years

High School – Almost everything

Junior High – study after school or evening

Elementry – Soccer Team or Swim Team

Toddler – Gloves or Mittens

Birth

More LimitsLess Choice

Less Limits More Choice

Least LimitsMost Choice

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Upside Down Parenting

Least LimitsMost Choice

More Limits Less Choice

Most LimitsLeast Choice

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2 Approaches to Solving Problems

Reactive (Emergency) Convenient Now Quick fix Immediate Improvement Interferes with natural

processes (preservatives, pharmaceuticals, pesticides, etc.)

Pressured, lack of time, energy, or resources

Focus on Present Temporary - exacerbates or

postpones dealing with root cause

Inconvenient Later

Holistic Inconvenient Now Hard work upfront May get worse at first Use of natural processes

Patience

Focus on future effect Long term solution Preparation and forethought

Convenient Later

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3 Emergency Parenting Styles

Burned Out Overworked, unorganized, unplanned, tired,

stressed out Anxiety Driven

Love for children leads to excessive worry and protection.

Control Driven Failure and disobedience are not tolerated,

Parents do the thinking, children obey.

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Burned Out Parenting Techniques

Please Them Make it easier/Do it for them Give them the answer Make threats, don’t follow through Lose patience Buy them things Rush them, pressure them Put them off as long as possible What ever gives us a moment of peace

Unintended Message: You are a burden to me and I would rather not spend time with you.

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What type of child does Burnt Out parenting produce? Anxious Defiant Spoiled Inconsiderate Rude Forgetful Aggressive

Clingy Insecure Lazy Attention Seeking Annoying Angry Succumb to peer

pressure

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Anxiety Driven Parents . . .

Protect kids from unpleasant things Do things for their kids Don’t let them experience failure or sadness Make decisions for them Solve their problems Are afraid to upset their children Don’t set boundaries

Message: You are not strong enough to handle things yourself.

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What type of child does Anxiety Driven Parenting produce? Anxious Lazy Gullible Defiant Socially Awkward Forgetful Overly Sensitive

Shy Insecure Spoiled Sore Loser Low Self Esteem

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Control Driven Parenting Techniques

Tell them what to do Lecture Do the thinking for them Withhold affection when they fail or disobey Intimidate them Favor a particular child

Message: You’re not smart enough to know what to do.

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What type of child does Control Driven Parenting produce? Rebellious Poor Judgment Out to prove something Dependent Low Self-esteem Overly Competitive Easily succumb to peer pressure

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Hidden Messages

Wearing coat in cold weather Why don’t you have your coat on, don’t you

know its freezing out? Don’t forget your coat honey? What do you mean its not cold? Of course its

cold, put you’re coat on. You know, you’ve never told me how you

decide when its cold enough to wear a coat.

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What to say when your child does something that is not smart

Pretend you are talking to your boss (word it in a way that does not insult her character).

Show empathy.

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Holistic Parents Allow their Children to . . . think make decisions Solve their own problems struggle pay consequences Fail Holistic parents want to be wanted not need to be

needed And they show love regardless

Message: You can handle it, I trust you, you are smart, you are capable.

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What type of child does Holistic Parenting Produce? Respectful Confident Independent Helpful Responsible

Socially Engaging Organized Wise Assertive

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Two Critical Skills to Raising Responsible Children Sending message of Love Giving Choices

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Sending the Message of Love

Even when punishing – never let your child believe you enjoy punishing her.

Not conditional – Your child must know he is good enough the way he is.*

Don’t rub it in when you’re right. Instead show empathy.

Smiling, eye contact, wrestling, noticing their interests.

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Rules for Giving Choices

Provide two reasonable options Third option- Parent chooses Don’t provide choice (and never a promise or

threat) you can’t live with.

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Specific Situations says he hates his teacher getting made fun of Bedtime Eating Issues/meal time Resistant kids and

teens/Defiant Difficult car rides Bad Grades Managing Money Stealing Temper Tantrums Buying things at stores Lying Talking about sex

Chores Fears Sibling Rivalry Hitting, biting, Fighting Annoying behaviors, noise,

tapping, etc. Sleeping alone Problems Sharing Cleaning room Peer Pressure Dirty Looks/back talk Public Misbehavior Whining

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Books to Read

Love and Logic – Foster Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay

People Making – Virginia Satir Plug-In Drug – Marie Winn Uncommon Therapy – Jay Haley

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Anthony Marra, LISW

Chagrin Family Therapy Center, LLC

440-804-6627

www.chagrinfamilytherapy.com