Abstinence is a good thing when practiced in moderation.

Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding.

Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery.

A friend is someone who knows all about you but likes you anyway.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

A man can't deny what he is. He can convince everybody else he is someone else, but never himself.

And on the 8th day, God sobered up.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

Bananas are my favourite vegetable because they have no bones.

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

Blind people don't bungee jump. It scares the dog too much.

Canada is protected by the finest military force in the world: the U.S. Army.

Canada is the first ally the Americans call when they want to invade another country, so we can show them where it is on a map.

Can you get a ticket for running a stop sign that is not there?

Carpe DM (seize the dungeon master)

Change is good, but dollars are better.

Changing lawyers is like changing decks on the Titanic.

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.

Christmas is weird; it's the only time of year when we love to sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of our socks.

Curiosity killed the cat... I wanted to know how far I could throw it

Dear mom,Have you ever noticed the way I've been shaking lately? The three knives missing from the kitchen? The pins and needles gone from your drawer? How I never come downstairs anymore? The look in my eyes? The sound of my voice? It's completely different. Have you noticed the long sleeves & sweatshirts everyday? The arm warmers? The band-aids? The blood? Huh? Have you? No? Well I didn't think so...

DM: You're walking past a patio...Paladin: I address the patio.DM: It is a patio. It says nothing.Paladin: I speak to the patio in every language I know.DM: The patio does not respond.Paladin: I threaten the patio.DM: The patio doesn't do anything. It's a patio!Paladin: I cast dispel magic on it.DM: The patio is still there. Paladin: I touch the patio.DM: It feels like a patio.Paladin: I draw my sword and attack the patio.DM: Oh, fine, very well, the patio engulfs you and crushes you to a bloody pulp. Make your save at negative 20.Paladin: See, I KNEW it wasn't a patio. *Starts rolling a new character*

Do not wake Dragon for you are crunchy and go well with Brie!

Don't open the darkroom door. It lets all the dark out.

Don't pay taxes; it just encourages them.

Don't put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today.

Don't quote me; think for yourself!

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't use commas, which, aren't necessary.

Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.

Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Earth is full. Go home.

!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY

End poverty - Eat the poor.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everything is unimportant in some way.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.

Famous last words: Don't unplug it; it will just take a moment to fix.

Famous last words: Don't worry it's not loaded.

Famous last words: It's perfectly safe. Let me show you.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

First Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

God encourages sin so that grace may abound.

Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Gravity doesn't exist: The earth sucks.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.

HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

Handy Guide to Modern Science:1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which to die.

HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH.

Hello, This is, ________ I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.

He says he’s young at heart – but slightly older in other places.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Homeless people do not wear fuzzy pink bras!

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

How to annoy others: Make beeping noises when you back up.

How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby.

//How you look depends on where you go.

I accidentally divided by zero, and my paper went up in flames.

I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest. The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable.

I am a Team Player; I just don't play on the same team as you.

I am Protestnik Vogon Jeltz of Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be thrown out of the ship. But first, I'll read some poems...

I can handle pain until it hurts.

I can see clearly now my brain is gone...

I couldn't do my homework because my calculator is solar powered, and it was cloudy outside.

I don't mind Jesus; it's his fan club I can't stand.

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If Israelites come from Israel, then what come from Paris?

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.

If it weren't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers?

If we quit voting, will they all go away?

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

I have animal magnetism. When I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes.

I have lots of friends; you just can't see them.

I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I laugh, I smile, and I take Prozac

I like angles, but only to a certain degree.

I love you and I have scars to prove it.

I’m not really bald. I just have a very wide parting.

I'm objective; I object to everything.

I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.

In a world without fences, who needs Gates?

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Is Canada a world power? Of course. If that's OK with you...

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

I think vegetarians have it all wrong; what’s this about being kind to animals, and then stealing their food behind their backs so they can starve to death?

I thought that paper shredder WAS the fax machine!

It is better to have loved and lost than to be shot in the face by a crossbow...but not by much.

It is easy to be flexible when one is spineless.

It is important to reflect on yourself and how you interact with the world around you and if you find yourself to be without fault… start again.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's just a game. Find the eye.

It’s not the winning, it’s the taking somebody apart that counts.

It's not what you say in your argument; it's how loud you say it.

It’s okay to want peace, but you have to do more than slap a bumper sticker on a Volvo.

It's too bad that whole families have been torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times...

I walked through the hallwayHolding my wrists

Hoping no one will see me like thisHe looks at me, scared of what he'll find, He never thought I had these things in mindHe asks me "...is there any more?" Looking at him with tears in my eyesI whisper a simple reply...“What did you think bracelets were for?”

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

I was going to go to school today, but my doctor recommended not doing anything that causes me stress.

I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a butt hole.

Jesus paid for our sins - now let's get our money's worth.

Lack of brains hinders research.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are the more are needed!

Lawyers vs. Starbucks coffee drinks:1) They're both sickly sweet on the outside2) They're both bitter and tasteless on the inside3) They're both way overpriced4) They're both way too common5) They both make people think they're getting something good

Life is a terminal disease.

Life is just one of those things.

Life, n.: The whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

Live simply so that others may simply live.

Love will never take you where you expect to go.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

Man's greatest fear is to have died without living.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctor was surprised.

May the dragon of life only roast your hot-dogs and never burn your buns!

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

Money can't buy happiness, but poverty can't buy anything.

Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a big stick.

Mutilation is the badge that can never be taken off, and sets us apart from all others. Pain is important to the bonding, a physical horror that bonds us ever tighter to those who have partaken. The intensity of the experience helps to widen the gulf between us and those who have not shared.

My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying, "How was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was; you're lucky to get out alive!

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. Then if he didn't like what you've said, he's a mile away and barefoot

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something much bigger and heavier.

Nice perfume...must you marinate in it?

No! Not my laundry bag! If you want to strangle yourself, use your own laundry bag!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Nothing can be said about politics that hasn't already been said about haemorrhoids.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

Oh dear God, save me from your people.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

One who affects change is in effect change.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Neither should they nail up pictures.

Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the cutter's mind, and when that stops and the other pain comes back, it’s weaker. Drugs do that too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting

Pick your enemies carefully; they're harder to get rid of than friends

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on.

Procrastinate Now.

Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. - Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

Q: What do you call a man who doesn’t believe in contraception?A: Daddy.

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

She is barely holding on, but she knows she can't let go.

She's sitting on a bridge...Gazing at the waterShe's too scared to jump...Yet so afraid to stay

Should the year 2000 VW Beetle be referred to as the "Y2K Bug"?

Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're overeducated.

Some people say that one's personality is reflected by one’s car... Well, I have no car.

Some people wish to get what they deserve, while others fear the same.

Sometimes I have a difficult time handling myself in social situations. I just start scampering around neurotically, frantically jumping all over guests. I think it all goes back to when I was raised in the wild by miniature schnauzers.

So much to do - So few people to do it for me.

So she painted on a smileAnd learned to pretend.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, and so would an 80 lb. carrot.

STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Suicide is a way of telling God, “You can't fire me. I QUIT!”

Sure God created man before woman, but then again you always make a rough draft before creating the final masterpiece.

Talk is cheap, but if it keeps your belly full and your grave empty, it’s worth more than gold.

Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved

Teacher: Where's your sense of adventure?Student: At home in bed where every good sense of adventure should be at 7:30 AM

The BEST part of waking up? Hitting the snooze button and going back to sleep.

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his chest open.

The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

The girl who seemed unbreakable - brokeThe girl who seemed so strong - crumbledThe girl who always laughed it off - criedThe girl who would never stop trying - finally gave up and quit

The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it.

The one who sees through destiny must also live though it.

The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The pragmatist, being thirsty, drinks the water.

The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake, which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Therapy is expensive but bubble wrap is free.

There are three kinds of people in this world. 1. Ones that can count.2. Ones that can't

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

There will be no living Nativity scene in Washington this year. This has nothing to do with a Supreme Court ruling or for religious reasons. They simply cannot find three wise men or a virgin.

These scars on my wrists are proof that people like you do exist...

The trouble with going with the flow is: you might wind up getting sucked down the drain.

The trouble with good ideas is that they quickly degenerate into hard work.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The ultimate reason is because.

The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.

They are my cats, except when they throw up, then they are yours.

'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all... but to have loved and won, now that really kicks ass...

Titanic is the greatest love story ever? Rich girl meets poor boy, poor boy draws rich girl, boat sinks, poor boy dies, rich girl lives to 150.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

WARNING! The dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We dash around in starched green kilts, hacking at balls with huge wooden sticks…sounds like a Scottish horror film.

What’d you expect? A perfect child?With pretty scars all over my wrists...I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to hurt you.

What is it about the shadows that draw my spirit in? The damnation? The isolated darkness? I would give up my Stygian soul to know.

When I cut myself, the pain goes away. When I look at my scars, it brings it all back

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

When the game master smiles, it's already too late

When will people understand that words can cut as sharply as any blade, and that those cuts leave scars upon our souls?

When you are right you can afford to keep your temper, when you are wrong you can't afford to lose it.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.

Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.

Yeah, my dad was a lawyer. *Gasp* Oh, I'm so sorry!

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

You can't be a figment of my imagination; I'd have done a better job on it.

You'd never expect her to come home and cry. You’d never expect her to be dying inside. Would you expect your best friend to cut? Things are not as they appear to be.

You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

You know you've read a good book when you turn the last page and feel as if you've lost a friend.

YOU! Off my planet!

“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. “If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,” replied the witness.

Your inner child pretty much runs the place, doesn't it?

Your perfect little girl dropped a grade on her report card. Your perfect little girl yelled at you last night. Your perfect little girl talked back to you again. Your perfect little girl painted her nails black. Your perfect little girl lied to you all her life. Your perfect little girl cries herself to sleep. Your perfect little girl slits her wrists ‘till she bleeds. Your perfect little girl dated before sixteen. Your perfect little girl was broken by a boy. Your perfect little girl doesn’t go to church. Your perfect little girl hates you. Your perfect little girl has given up on life. Your perfect little girl had a tantrum today. Your perfect little girl wants to run away. Your perfect little girl has no real friends. Your perfect little girl thinks she’s overweight. Your perfect little girl hasn’t let you dry her tears. Your perfect little girl disobeys you. Your perfect little girl hates the world. Your perfect little girl is hated by the world. Your perfect little girl says bad things about you. Your perfect little girl is very unhappy. Your perfect little girl tried to commit suicide. Your perfect little girl has become a disgrace. But at the end of the day, she’s still your perfect little girl.

You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting, at the same time you love it and can not live without it.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?A. A. Milne

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.A. A. Milne

I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, “You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I'm not your agent and I'm not your mommy, I'm a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?” and I really, really don't. I'll go peaceable-like.Aaron Sorkin

How many legs does a dog have, if you call his tail a leg? The answer is four, because calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.Abraham Lincoln

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all... Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better... And yet this is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. Abraham Lincoln

There's no honourable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.Abraham Lincoln The Savage Curtain, Star Trek

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. Abraham Lincoln

When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run. Abraham Lincoln

The only way I'm meeting the girl of my dreams tonight is if I go to sleep.Adam Duritz

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?Adam Ferguson

Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass.Adam Sandler Happy Gilmore

Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire! Adam Sandler The Wedding Singer

Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say! Adam Sandler The Wedding Singer

However long the night, the dawn will break. African Proverb

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.Agatha Christie

Airika: Stripper elves? Now there's an idea...Renata: Oh come on, you don't really think the elves are making toys all year round, they need vacations too...Ellie: ::sudden image of Dobby singing "I'm too sexy for my socks"...:: That's just kind of wrong

God, why did you make the evidence for your existence so insufficient?A. J. Ayer

Freedom of the press is limited to those who have one.A. J. Liebling

Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious. Alan Winter

Albert: Don't use that tone to me. Armand: What tone? Albert: That sarcastic contemptuous tone. That means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman. Armand: You're not a woman. Albert: Oh, you bastard!Birdcage

What then is capital punishment but the most premeditated of murders, to which no criminal's deed, however calculated it may be, can be compared? For there to be an equivalence, the death penalty would have to punish a criminal, who had warned his victim of the date at which he would inflict a horrible death on him, and who from that moment onward had confined him at his mercy for months. Such a monster is not encountered in private life.Albert Camus

They made me a present of Mornington Crescent,They threw it a brick at a time.Albert Chevalier The Cockney Tragedian

Every day, man is making bigger and better foolproof things. Every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.Albert Einstein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.Albert Einstein

It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s that I stay with problems longer.Albert Einstein

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, I'm not sure about the former. Albert Einstein

Reality is merely an illusion, although a very persistent one.Albert Einstein

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.Albert Einstein

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science.Albert Einstein

The thinking that we are has brought us to where we have already been. In order to go somewhere else, we must think in a different way.Albert Einstein

This book is dedicated to my brilliant and beautiful wife without whom I would be nothing. She always comforts and consoles, never complains or interferes, asks nothing, and endures all. She also writes my dedications.Albert Malvino

In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man.Alfred Hitchcock

These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.Alfred Hitchcock

For intellectual stimulation, try eating your cereal with a fork.Alicia

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.Alison Boulter

Allan: That's quite a lovely Jackson Pollack, isn't it? Museum Girl: Yes, it is. Allan: What does it say to you? Museum Girl: It restates the negativeness of the universe. The hideous lonely emptiness of existence. Nothingness. The predicament of Man forced to live in a barren, Godless eternity like a tiny flame flickering in an immense void with nothing but waste, horror and degradation, forming a useless bleak straitjacket in a black absurd cosmos. Allan: What are you doing Saturday night? Museum Girl: Committing suicide. Allan: What about Friday night?Play it Again, Sam

Sometimes, when one person is absent, the whole world seems depopulated Alphonse de Lamartine

FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs.Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary

We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.Anais Nin

If a million people say a foolish thing, is it still a foolish thing.Anatole France

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one, which will last forever.Anatole France

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.Andrew J. Smith

Love changes everything.Andrew Lloyd Webber Aspects of Love

I wish that the leaves would fly south every fall and the birds would die and fall to the ground. That way I could get my cat to do all the raking.Andy Pierson

Those who danced where thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.Angela Monet

Very few beings really seek knowledge in this world. Mortal or immortal, few really ask. On the contrary, they try to wring from the unknown the answers they have already shaped in their own minds - justifications, confirmations, forms of consolation without

which they can't go on. To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the questioner.Anne Rice

Now the time has come. I put two bullets in my gun. One for me, and one for you. Oh darling, it will be so beautiful. Annie Wilkes Misery

Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass. Ann Landers

That trees should have been cut down to provide paper for this book was an ecological affront.Anthony Blond Spectator, 1983

My new hobby is channelling the sprit of Gerald Ford. Yeah, I know he's not dead yet, but I see no reason to put things off till the last minute.Anthony Myers

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them.Antoine de St.-Exupéry The Little Prince

Only children know what they are looking forAntoine de St.-Exupéry The Little Prince

But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart.Antoine de St.-Exupéry The Little Prince

During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails. AP report

No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.Aristotle

If there is no god, who pops up the next Kleenex?Art Hoppe

A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.Arthur Block

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.

Arthur Miller

Treat a work of art like a prince: let it speak to you first.Arthur Schopenhauer

The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.Art Linkletter A Child’s Garden of Misinformation

According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.Ashleigh Brilliant

I can only do one thing at a time, but I can avoid doing many things simultaneously. Ashleigh Brilliant

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.Ashleigh Brilliant

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.Ashleigh Brilliant

I'm not an atheist. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.A. Whitney Brown

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.A. Whitney Brown

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.A. Whitney Brown

Here's the short version: "Armageddon" got some astronomy right. For example, there is an asteroid in the movie, and asteroids do indeed exist. And then there was... um... well, you know... um. Okay, so that was about all they got right.BadAstronomy.com

All men are animals; some just make better petsBad Habits

As far as I'm concerned, soldiering is the worst way to make a living. It's a life filled with long stretches of mind-numbing boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror. Yea, that's how I like to spend my days.Balathrustrius

Spells are highly overrated. I mean, you spend half your life shut up in a dusty tower pouring over unintelligible tomes, and for what? A few minutes of glory on the battlefield and a permanent case of eyestrain. Balathrustrius

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.’ But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again. Barbara Boxer

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.Barry Goldwater

Becky: My dad was saying to my brother ‘Sit up! Get your elbows off the table! You look like a barbarian!’ and I was like ‘Actually, the Barbarians had some lovely artwork.’Mrs. Cunningham: Ok. So now your dad has a little doll named Mrs. Cunningham that he sticks pins in.

Never feel guilty about having warm human feelings toward anyone.Ben Cartwright Bonanza

When they discover the centre of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.Bernard Bailey

Man is a credulous animal and must believe something. In the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones.Bertrand Russell Unpopular Essays, 1950

The aim of education should be to teach us rather how to think, than what to think - rather to improve our minds, so as to enable us to think for ourselves, than to load the memory with the thoughts of other men.Bill Beattie

In a world darkened by ethnic conflicts that tear nations apart, Canada stands as a model of how people of different cultures can live and work together in peace, prosperity, and mutual respect.Bill Clinton The Book of Lists: Canadian Edition

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that. Bill Clinton

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say. Bill Clinton

Old is always fifteen years away from now.Bill Cosby

Sigmund Freud once said, ‘What do women want?’ The only thing I have learned in fifty-two years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that. Bill Cosby

I'm a comedian and poet, so anything that doesn't get a laugh... is a poem.Bill Hicks

If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.Bill Lyon

Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl. Bill Peterson

You guys line up alphabetically by height.Bill Peterson

I always feel like an idiot...but I am an idiot so it kinda works out!Billy Madison Billy Madison

Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.Bill Veeck

I don't break the rules. I merely test their elasticity.Bill Veeck

The only real proof that there is intelligent life in outer space is that they have never tried to contact us.Bill Watterson

I'd worship the ground you walked on if only you walked in a better neighbourhood.Billy Wilder

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.Billy Wilder

This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign

on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.Blackadder Goodbyeee

You wouldn't know a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord singing 'Subtle Plans Are Here Again'Blackadder Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Most things in this world don't work, but aspirin do.Black Fuhrer of Harlem Mother Night

Life is very important to Americans. Bob Dole

They were really tough – they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice.Bob Hope

I can offer lots of advice. Good advice. Advice that’s been passed down from generation to generation and never been used.Bob Monkhouse Just Say a Few Words

The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph Bonnie Przybylski

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.Brendan Gill

There are no demigods you f**king pagan!Brian F. O’Bryne Six Million Dollar Baby

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' Bruce Baum

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. Bruce Baum

Creativity and genius feed off mental turmoil.Bruce Bower Science News, 1995

Why is it that the more educated people are, the less open they are to new ideas?

Bruce Davison The Triangle

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.Bob Hope

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.Boris Yeltsin

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.Bruce Grocott

Ow! Ow! Ow! I was playing the world's smallest violin for you and dropped the darn thing down my ear.Bun-bun

I never want to find myself knee deep in the ass of a situation I can't get out of.BustaRymes

It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.Calvin & Hobbes

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.Calvin & Hobbes

Being timid prevents us from examining and exploiting our lot as menCarlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

Death never stops. Sometimes it turns off its lights, that’s all.Carlos Castaneda A Separate Reality

Feeling important makes one heavy, clumsy, and vain.Carlos Castaneda A Separate Reality

Fright never injures anyone. What injures the spirit is having someone always on your back, beating you, telling you what to do and what not to do.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

I am only a man … who knows that he’ll never understand all that is around him.Carlos Castaneda A Separate Reality

My laughter … is real, but it is also controlled folly because it is useless; it changes nothing and yet I still choose to do it. … I am happy because I choose to look at things that make me happy…Carlos Castaneda A Separate Reality

That is the misfortune of human beings. None of us have sufficient time, and your continuity has no meaning in this awesome, mysterious world.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

There are worlds upon worlds, right here in front of us. And they are nothing to laugh at.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

The world around us is a mystery, and men are no better than anything else.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

The world is a mystery. This, what you’re looking at, is not all there is to it. There is much more to the world, so much more, in fact, that it is endless. So when you’re trying to figure it out, all you’re really doing is trying to make the world familiar. You and I are right here, in the world that you call real, simply because we both know it.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

To believe the world is only as you think it is, is stupid.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

You must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it.Carlos Castaneda Journey to Ixtlan

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.Carol Leifer

I think Superman needs some pink glitter.Caroline

Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver.Carol Malia

The secret of managing is to keep the guys that hate you away from the guys who are undecided.Casey Stengel

The team has come along slow but fast.Casey Stengel

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.Caskie Stinett

How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain?

To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.C. Blount

I think the team that wins Game 5 will win the series. Unless we lose Game 5. Charles Barkley

An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.Charles Bukowski

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. Charles Bukowski The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting. Charles Bukowski

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. Charles De Gaulle

How can you govern a country that has 246 varieties of cheese? Charles De Gaulle

I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. Charles De Gaulle

There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.Charles Dickens

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.Charles M. Schulz

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’Charles M. Schulz

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.Charles Sykes

In the end, everything is a gag.Charlie Chaplin One Door Away From Heaven

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton Canada Month, June 1963

The New Testament is just the abridged version of the Old Testament. It's the bible with an introductory paragraph by Satan.Cherise

God grant me the courage not to give up what I think is right even though I think it is hopeless.Chester W. Nimitz

I once swam out of an ocean current that had taken me underway. It was a gruelling swim in and when I got close enough to let the waves that took me out wash me in, my knees hit the sand. Fighting for life in two feet of water.Chevalarro

Why no beans and weenie pizzas?Chevalarro

It is better to be pissed off than pissed on. Chiara

He who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; he who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.Chinese Proverb

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.Chinese proverb

The right to do something does not mean that doing it is right.Chris Jones

I used to go trick or treating, until people started wondering why a 6'3" individual was standing on their front porch begging for candy.Chris Petry

There's a very fine line between a groove and a rut; a fine line between eccentrics and people who are just plain nuts. Christine Lavin Prisoners of their Hairdos

Each music ha[s] its purpose…Each form of music ha[s] its worth.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

Illusions can do as much harm as anything else in this world. By clouding your perception of reality, illusions can kill.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

No music is good or bad in itself…It is what people make of it.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

Of all the friends God gives us, those we are born with are most precious.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Heretical

There are more miracles than we realize … for they are all about us, and need not be great and mighty. Grace comes to all who are open to it; miracles hap[pen] in places far removed from fame.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

We should always question authority before we accept it. But we should listen to the answer…and sieve its worth.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

What is good in us is of greater moment than what is fell.Christopher Stasheff The Warlock Rock

You take beauty wherever you find it … and you keep the memory of it alive in your heart.Christopher Stasheff Escape Velocity

Ok, if I wake up dead tomorrow, I'm going to be pissed.Christy

Football players win football games. Chuck Knox

Most lies about blondes are false. Cincinnati Times-Star

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. Clarence Darrow

If your parents didn’t have any children, there’s a good chance you won’t have any. Clarence Day

You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. Claude's father Ken Park

This book is dedicated to the cracked, for they shall let it the light.Clifford A. Pickover Strange Brains and Genius

History tends to exaggerate.Colonel Green The Savage Curtain, Star Trek

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.Confucius

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection.Dalai Lama

Meditation simply means … to pay attention: it has nothing to do with standing on your head in a corner making strange noises in foreign tongues.Dale Carlson The Teen Brain Book

Life would be so much easier if clothes dried as fast as they get wet. Damion Belk

You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh because you are all the same.Daniel Knode

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun, unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months. Then it's just 55 gallons of Ebola virus.Dan Johnson

Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got ‘em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up. Danny DeVito

And now the sequence of events in no particular order. Dan Rather

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. Dan Rather

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. Dan Rather

A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well. Dan Rather

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. Dan Quayle

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.Dan Quayle

(Extending his hand during a campaign stop): I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you? Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

For NASA, space is still a high priority. Dan Quayle

Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a… it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation. Dan Quayle

I deserve respect for the things I didn't do.Dan Quayle

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle

I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix. Dan Quayle

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment; it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. Dan Quayle

I was known as the chief grave robber of my state.Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.Dan Quayle

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. Dan Quayle

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. Dan Quayle

Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It's the other way around. They never vote for us.Dan Quayle

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. Dan Quayle

The future will be better tomorrow.Dan Quayle

The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.Dan Quayle

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. Dan Quayle

The loss of life will be irreplaceable. Dan Quayle

The other day the President said, ‘I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility.’ He paused, and then said, ‘Would you like a puppy?’Dan Quayle

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur. Dan Quayle

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. Dan Quayle

We expect them (Salvadoran officials) to work toward the elimination of human rightsDan Quayle

We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.Dan Quayle

We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. Dan Quayle

What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Dan Quayle

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. Dan Quayle

Come on now. Aliens don't hide in the bushes. It's probably just a stalker.Daria Daria

Occasionally I think about doing something to change my situation, but where am I going to get hold of a Stealth bomber?Daria Daria

And the plaster dented from your fist In the hall where you had your first kiss Reminds you that the memories will fadeDashboard Confessional The Brilliant Dance

If, in reading the following pages, you are uncertain as to whether a specific statement is meant seriously or not, simply apply this rule of thumb: If the statement makes you consider filing a lawsuit, I was kidding. Ha ha!Dave Barry

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. Dave Barry The Taming of the Screw

There was a time in my life, decades ago, when I was so full of energy that I was going to not only END WORLD HUNGER, but also STOP WAR and ELIMINATE RACISM. Whereas today my life goals, to judge from the notes I leave myself, tend to be along the lines of BUY DETERGENT.Dave Barry Comic Relief

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.Dave Weinstein

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. David Acfield

It takes a lot of imagination to be a good photographer. You need less imagination to be a painter because you can invent things. But in photography everything is so ordinary; it takes a lot of looking before you learn to see the extraordinary. David Bailey

And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worldsThey are immune to your consultationsThey're quite aware of what they're going throughDavid Bowie Changes

We know Major Tom’s a junkyStrung out on heaven’s highHitting an all time lowDavid Bowie Ashes to Ashes

A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him. David Brinkley

The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were. David Brinkley

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. David Dinkins

I'll join your squad if you don’t mind having a 37 year old who collects Barbies! David Duchovny

The only reason we're 7-0 is because we've won all seven of our games. David Garcia

Swearing is like any other music...If it is not done well, if it is not done with a fine and discriminating art, and vitalized with gracious and heartborn feeling, it lacks beauty, it lacks charm, it lacks expression, it lacks nobleness, it lacks majesty...David Gridley Indiantown

People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.David H. Comins

Science is everything we understand enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else.David Knuth

Overall Bush's European trip has been an overwhelming success. Not once has he gotten separated from his group.David Letterman

Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.David Lloyd George

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. David Richerby

Bunny slippers remind me of who I am. You can't get a swelled head if you wear bunny slippers. You can't lose your sense of perspective and start acting like a star or a rich lady if you keep on wearing bunny slippers. Besides, bunny slippers give me confidence because they're so jaunty. They make a statement; they say, “Nothing the world does to me can ever get me so far down that I can't be silly and frivolous.” If I died and found myself in Hell, I could endure the place if I had bunny slippers.Dean Koontz

Human beings can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, their God-given right to be stupid.Dean Koontz

Humour, faith, courage, compassion - these don't rot and vanish; they are impervious to bacteria, stronger than time or gravity; they have their genesis in something less fragile than blood and bone, in a soul that endures.Dean Koontz Seize the Night

I’m always serious, but I’m always laughing inside, too.Dean Koontz One Door Away From Heaven

Love alone is an easy answer, and easy answers are what usually lead whole worlds into ruin. Love is part of the answer, sure, but just part. Hope is another part, and courage, and charity, and laughter, and really seeing things like how green pine trees look after a rain and how the setting sun can turn a prairie into molten gold glass. There are so many parts to the answer that you couldn’t possibly squeeze them all onto a T-shirt.Dean Koontz One Door Away From Heaven

None of us can ever save himself; we are the instruments of one another’s salvation, and only by the hope we give to others do we lift ourselves out of the darkness into light.Dean Koontz One Door Away From Heaven

Splints, casts, miracle drugs, and time can’t mend fractured hearts, wounded minds, torn spirits.Dean Koontz One Door Away From Heaven

There isn’t a movie these days that wouldn’t be improved by a lively bunch of snakes.Dean Koontz Life Expectancy

When life lands a hammer blow in your face, do your best to respond to the hammer as if it had been a cream pie. Sometimes black humour is the only kind we can summon, but even dark laughter can sustain.Dean Koontz Seize the Night

Debbie: What a lady-killer! Gomez: Acquitted.Addams Family Values

Our sins are more easily remembered than our good deeds. Democritus

If two people on a committee agree, one of them is redundantDennis A. Peer

Any dipshit on Survivor stuck on some tropical island can make fire, but how many can make ice?Dennis Miller

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something. Dennis Rodman

We're just physically not physical enough.Denny Crum

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.Department of Social Services

Weather forecast: precipitation in the morning, rain in the afternoon. Detroit Daily News

Lack of self-confidence is the vampire of all accomplishments...Deus Peregrinus

Dex: Y'know, no one ever says, "Hey, God, how was your day? What can I do for you, God?" Or, "Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?"

Syd: Oh, and I suppose you talk to God like that? Dex: Always. All the time. Syd: And what does God say? Dex: He says, "You know what? I saw Letterman and it sucked."The Tao of Steve

This is the very worst wickedness: that we refuse to acknowledge the passionate evil that is in us. This makes us secret and rotten.D.H. Lawrence

I want kids that love me as much as I hated my mother. Diane Happiness

Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It’s the only time we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot.Dick Gregory From the Back of the Bus

I may forgive, but I never forget, and I never forgive Dick Solomon

Holy Cripes! It does say you can dance on my head! Dilbert Comics

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. Dizzy Dean

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.Dolly Parton

Next to the writer of real estate advertisements, the autobiographer is the most suspect of prose artists.Donal Henahan The New York Times, 1977

I'm not afraid of heights. I could stand down here and look up at it all day.Don Bozzuffi

When you get gloomy, just take and hour off and sit and think about how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up if expect to go there.Don Marquis

All you have to do in life is breathe; everything else is optionalDonna

Every day of my life forces me to add to the list of people who can KISS MY ASS! Donna

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.Dorothy Parker

Belief has the word 'lie' in it...and that pretty much sums up what the world has us believing about ourselves.Doug Firebaugh

Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.Douglas Adams So Long and Thanks for all the Fish

If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker’s Guide Movie

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.Douglas Adams

Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much... the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. Douglas Adams The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

A person's a person, no matter how small. Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Dr. Seuss

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. Dr. Seuss

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Dr. Seuss

Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're best at, that's what I say. Dr. Who

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.Duffy Daugherty

Just my luck... Not even the self-destruct is working...Duo Maxwell

The world is divided into people who do things – and people who get the credit.Dwight Morrow

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence.Edgar Allan Poe

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.Edinboro University of Pennsylvania

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.Edward Langley

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. E. E. Cummings

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.Elayne Boosler

People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in water, then it comes out into water. I guess it probably would be less traumatic for the baby, but certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.Elayne Boosler

Death: To stop sinning suddenly. Elbert Hubbard

Life is just one damned thing after another.Elbert Hubbard

Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. Elie Wiesel

I would be a vegetarian, but I don't like the idea of killing defenceless carrots.Elizabeth

Tea Kwon Doe? Does that have anything to do with deer sipping out of teacups at four o'clock in the afternoon on the planet Kwon? Elizabeth

You never fully appreciate the beauty of free refills until you're out of the country and in charge of your own money.Elizabeth B.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;Weep, and you weep alone.For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,But has trouble enough of its own.Ella Wheeler Wilcox

The dark today leads into light tomorrow; There is no endless joy, ...and yet no endless sorrow. Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Dinosaurs eat man...Women inherit the earth.Ellie Jurassic Park

I always wondered if Smurfette was like, the village whore.Elmo

You do realize if you kill yourself I need to fly to Texas and do various voodoo spells to reincarnate you into a flesh-eating zombie, right?Elmo

One always tends to overpraise a long book because one has got through it.E. M. Forster ‘T. E. Lawrence’, Abinger Harvest, 1935

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.Emo Phillips

My favourite authors are Joyce, Tolstoy, Proust and Flaubert, but right now I am reading The Little Engine That Could.Emo Phillips

One good turn gets most of the blankets.Emo Phillips

When hope runs out, there is always luck! Enyara Jewelpicker

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

Erica Jong

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads.Erica Jong

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.Eric Idle

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs. Eric Hoffer

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.Eric Hoffer

Eric Morecambe: I come from a very old military family. One of my ancestors fell at Waterloo.Ernie Wise: Really?Eric Morecambe: Yes, someone pushed him off Platform Nine.The Morecambe and Wise Joke Book

Eric Morecambe: I’ll never forget the first words I spoke in the theatre.Ernie Wise: What were they?Eric Morecambe: ‘This way please! Programmes! …’The Morecambe and Wise Joke Book

Why me? Nobody ever gave me the choice to pick either the blue pill or the red one. Eric Whitaker

For an actress to be a success, she must have the face of a Venus, the brains of a Minerva, the grace of Terpsichore, the memory of a MaCaulay, the figure of Juno, and the hide of a rhinoceros. Ethel Barrymore

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. Evan Esar

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.Evan Esar

Why am I searching and searching for something that is one of the last things that I want to find?Evil Edith

No matter how much I probe and prodI cannot quite believe in GodBut oh! I hope to God that heUnswervingly believes in me!E. Y. Harburg Rhymes for the Irreverent, 1965

You ever get that urge, Frank? It begins with looking down from 50 stories up, thinking about the meaninglessness of life, listening to dark voices deep inside you, and you think, “Should I... Should I... Should I push someone off?”Farside

When their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.Farside

If Windows is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.Filip Van Raemdonck

It is as natural to die as to be born; and to a little infant perhaps the one is as painful as the other.Francis Bacon

The mind has a thousand eyes. And the heart but one;Yet the life of a whole life diesWhen love is done.Francis William Bourdillon

Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.Franklin P. Jones

I believe in God, only I spell it Nature.Frank Lloyd Wright

The doctor can bury his mistakes; an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.Frank Lloyd Wright

We should learn from the snail: it has devised a home that is both exquisite and functional.Frank Lloyd Wright

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

Fran Lebowitz Metropolitan Life, 1978

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colours as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.Fran Lebowitz Metropolitan Life, 1978

Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens.Fran Lebowitz

I do not like animals. Of any sort. I don’t even like the idea of animals. Animals are no friends of mine. They are not welcome in my house. They occupy no space in my heart. Animals are off my list… I might more accurately state that I do not like animals, with two exceptions. The first being in the past tense, at which point I like them just fine, in the form of nice crispy spareribs and Bass Weejun penny loafers. And the second being outside, by which I mean not merely outside, as in outside the house, but genuinely outside, as in outside in the woods, or preferably outside in the South American jungle. This is, after all, only fair. I don’t go there; why should they come here?Fran Lebowitz Social Studies

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. Fran Lebowitz Metropolitan Life

How can we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex is what we want.Frasier

He writes so well, he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.Fred Allen

Hardly a competent workman can be found who does not devote a considerable amount of time to studying just how slowly he can work and still convince his employer that he is going at a good pace. Frederick W. Taylor

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.Friedrich Nietzsche

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. Friedrich Nietzsche

I'm not upset that you lied to me; I'm upset that from now on I can't believe youFriedrich Nietzsche

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! Friedrich Nietzsche

One must have a good memory to be able to keep the promises one makes. Friedrich Nietzsche

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. Friedrich Nietzsche

That which does not kill me makes me stronger. Friedrich Nietzsche

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments. Friedrich Nietzsche

What else is love but understanding and rejoicing in the fact that another person lives, acts, and experiences otherwise than we do…? Friedrich Nietzsche

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster. Friedrich Nietzsche

Woman was God’s second mistake.Friedrich Nietzsche The Antichrist

You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.Friedrich Nietzsche

You're better than normal! You're abnormal!Fry Futurama

You could try drowning yourself. I can’t swim. That’s the point! Full Monty

It's a ROCK! It doesn't have any vulnerable parts! Galaxy quest

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.George Bernard Shaw The Rejected Statement

He knows nothing; He thinks he knows everything. That clearly points to a career in politics.George Bernard Shaw Major Barbara

The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business.George Bernard Shaw

We must make the world honest before we tell our young people that honesty is the best policy.George Bernard Shaw

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.George Burns

... If you find a person that you've never seen before getting in a crop duster that doesn't belong to you -- report it. George Bush

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them.George Bush

I think we agree: the past is over. George Bush

Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.George Bush Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

The desire for freedom resides in every human heart. And that desire cannot be contained forever by prison walls, or martial laws, or secret police. Over time, and across the Earth, freedom will find a way. George Bush

The problem with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur. George Bush

They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program. George Bush

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you too may one day be president of the United StatesGeorge Bush

Forecast for tonight: Dark.

George Carlin

I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.George Carlin Brain Droppings

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever 'till the end of time.... but he LOVES you. And he needs money.George Carlin

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm.George Carlin

The very existence of flame throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.”George Carlin

Why do they tell you to get on the plane? F* that! Let Eivel Knievel get ON the Plane, I'm getting IN the plane!George Carlin

As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.George Harrison How do you like that bird I sent you home for your birthday? … You cooked it? … Mama, that was a South American parrot – he spoke five languages! … He should have said something?George Jessel Phone Call to Mama

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. George Jessel

There is nothing the body suffers which the soul may not profit by.

George Meredith

My atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the universe and denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image, to be servants of their human interests.George Santayana

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor bastard die for his.George S. Patton

I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents. George Wallace 1968 presidential campaign

I've seen many politicians paralysed in the legs as myself, but I've seen more of them who were paralysed in the head George Wallace

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining? George Wallace

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. Gerald Wellman

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.Germaine Greer

Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.Gideon Wurdz The Foolish Dictionary

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a coloured pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.Gilbert K. Chesterton ‘On Lying in Bed’, Tremendous Trifles, 1910

Ever get the feeling that in life, when your finally holding all the cards, everyone else is playing chess?Gil Stern

I'm gonna stop procrastinating one of these days.Ginger Calfee

I'm a New Yorker! Fear's my life!Gordon RENT

It's an incredible con job when you think of it, to believe something now in exchange for life after death. Even corporations with all their reward systems don't try to make it posthumous.Gloria Steinem

Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "fourgy" does not qualify as group therapy.Grace Will & Grace

Life is a roller coaster. We spend part of the time waiting for the ups, part of the time screaming at the downs, wishing we could ride it again when we're dying, and the entire time sitting on our butts getting lazier.Grace Kelly

A sexagenarian? At his age? I think that’s disgusting!Gracie Allen

I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.Graffito London, 1980

Curiosity didn't kill the cat; it made the kittens.Graham H.

I used to impale the heads of door-to-door sales people on pikes in the garden as a warning to others -- until I learned that it's bad Feng Shui.Greg Glynn

A child of five could understand this! Somebody fetch me a child of five!Groucho Marx

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.Groucho Marx

I'm gonna live forever or die trying.Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Groucho Marx

The longest word in the English language is the one following the phrase: ‘And now a word from our sponsor.’Hal Eaton Reader’s Digest, 1949

It’s an acquired taste.Hannibal Lechter

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.Harrison

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.Harry Hill

I have found the best way to give advice to children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.Harry S. Truman

I never give 'em hell. I just tell the truth, and they think it is hell.Harry S. Truman

More people have been slaughtered in the name of religion than for any other single reason. That, my friends, that is true perversion.Harvey Milk

I still don't see how it's possible to rape a cloud.Hayden

I can’t believe we still have the Miss America pageant. This is America! Where we’re not supposed to judge people based on how they look; we’re supposed to judge people based on how much money they make.Heidi Joyce

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.Heinrich Heine

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy.Henry Kissinger

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. Henri Nouwen Out of Solitude

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. Henry Louis Mencken Prejudices

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.Henry Louis Mencken

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place.Henry Louis Mencken

Love is like war; easy to begin but very hard to stopHenry Louis Mencken

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.Henry Louis Mencken

The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing. Henry S. Haskins

Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine. Henry S. Haskins

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.Henry Youngman

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.Henry Youngman

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.Herm Albright

Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.H. G. Wells America

When I am dead, I hope it is said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his books were read'. Hilaire Belloc

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.Holy Moly

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.Honore de Balzac

This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.Horace Walpole

Compassion is not weakness, and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism.Hubert H. Humphrey

Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left.Hubert H. Humphrey

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. Hubert H. Humphrey

It is with tremendous ill grace that I grudgingly acknowledge the contribution of a few other people.Hugh Grant

Friends are God’s apology for relations.Hugh Kingsmill

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. Ingrid Bergman

Please provide the date of your death. IRS letter

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome Isaac Asimov

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That's funny...’Isaac Asimov

When the game is over, the king and the pawn go into the same box.Italian Proverb

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything. Ivana Trump

Jack: So, I've decided to take my career in a whole new direction.Will: Forward?Will & Grace

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. Jack Benny

Boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.Jack Handy

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.Jack Handy

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.Jack Handy Deep Thoughts

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.Jack Handy

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, the guy at the Marineland says: 'You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.' Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.Jack Handy

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.Jack Handy

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.Jack Handy

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.Jack Handy

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.Jack Handy

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for better treatment? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.Jack Handy

English is a funny language. A fat chance and a slim chance are the same thing.Jack Herbert

I’m still recovering from a shock. I was nearly drafted. It’s not that I mind fighting for my country, but they called me at a ridiculous time: in the middle of a war.Jackie Mason

I was almost drafted. Luckily, I was wounded while taking the physical.Jackie Mason

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.Jack L. Patterson

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success. James Bond Tomorrow Never Dies

Genius was linked with insanity – was insanity. That feeling of divine inspiration, the breath of revelation seemingly from without, actually came from within, where melancholy and madness twisted the brain.James Gleick Genius: The Life and Science of Richard Feynman

Humour is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.James Thurber One Door Away From Heaven

We must dare to think about "unthinkable things" because when things become unthinkable, thinking stops and action becomes mindless. James W. Fulbright March 27, 1964

There's a certain shabby nobility in failing all by myself. Jamie Conway Bright Lights, Big City

If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Jarl Borsen

If earth were the size of a pencil eraser, it would mean that the Sun would be slightly bigger than a breadbox and we humans would be the size of really pissed off little people.Jay Allen

A Little Bit Of Legal Advice-It's Only Unethical When Opposing Counsel Does It.J. C. Denton, Esq.

In an action film you act in the action, in a drama film you act in the drama.Jean-Claude Van-Damme

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want – an adorable pancreas?Jean Kerr The Snake Has All the Lines, 1960

When the rich wage war it's the poor who die. Jean-Paul Sartre The Devil and the Good Lord

It's not your painting anymore. It stopped being your painting the moment that you finished it. Jeff Melvoin Northern Exposure, Fish Story

If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!"Jennifer A. Ford

I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.Jerome K. Jerome

He’s a man of few words – which he keeps on repeating.Jerry Dennis

Funny had better be sad somewhere.Jerry Lewis One Door Away From Heaven

There is no such thing as evolution: only a list of creatures that Chuck Norris allows to live.Jess

If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer.Jim Carry Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will finally know peace. Jimi Hendrix

I always leave my server a tip. Don't eat yellow snow!! Written on a napkin. Jimjammie

If you were driving the speed of light,.........Would your headlights shine in front of you??Jimjammie

Why does it take longer to pump the last .10 cents of gas, than it does to pump the first $9.90??

Jimjammie

If we couldn’t laugh, we would all go insane.Jimmy Buffet

War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children. Jimmy Carter

The first law of the shower states that no two shower controls in the universe are the same. The second states that the temperature markings on shower controls bear no relation to the temperature of the water. The third states that, however much a shower control may rotate, the degree of rotation required to change from ice-cold to scalding is never more than one millimetre.Joe Bennett Fun Run and Other Oxymorons, 2000

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.Joe E. Lewis

Death is like a secret society, one hell of an initiation ceremony and no talking to non-members.Joe Muldoon

The word genius isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.Joe Theisman

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.John Barrymore

Eagles may soar but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.John Benfield

Our progress as a nation can be no swifter than our progress in education. The human mind is our fundamental resource.John F. Kennedy

Canada is America without being American without that … ‘We-are-the-mighty-whatever scene.’ Canada’s image is just about getting groovy, you know.John Lennon The Book of Lists: Canadian Edition

[Crowd cheers] That was a good response and I'm not going to ask you to do it again. There's nothing I hate more than going to a concert and the guy says, “You having a good time?” and you scream your head off and then the guy says, “I can't hear you!” and I'm like, “The fuck you can't!” I absolutely hate it when guys do that. So I promise you I'll never make you do that. If you scream respectably the first time anyway.John Mayer

If you can't take the heat, kill the kitchen staff and turn off the ovens.John Newulis

Intelligence, like gold and diamonds, is valuable only because of its scarcity.John Newulis

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.Johnny Carson

America – a country that has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.John O’Hara

The last time somebody listened to a Bush, a whole bunch of folks wandered in the desert for 40 years...John Walton

Human lungs are 100 times easier to blow up than a standard toy balloon. But they tend to make lousy party favours.Joker.org

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.Jonathan Katz

Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!Jon Nelson

Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.Joseph Addison The Drummer

Colonel Cathcart had courage and never hesitated to volunteer his men for any target available.Joseph Heller Catch-22

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin

Ideas are far more powerful than guns. We don't allow our enemies to have guns, why should we allow them to have ideas? Joseph Stalin

The only real power comes out of a long rifle. Joseph Stalin

The people who cast the votes do not decide an election, the people who count the votes do. Joseph Stalin

The meek may inherit the earth – but not its mineral rights.J. Paul Getty

Not all those who wander are lost.J. R. R. Tolkien The Lord of the Rings

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.Jules de Gaultier

The beaver, which has come to represent Canada as the eagle does the United States and the lion Britain, is a flat-tailed, slow-witted, toothy rodent known to bite off it's own testicles or to stand under its own falling trees.June Callwood

I mean, I love Barnes and Noble, I spend a lot of time at Barnes and Noble, but they do not have books on Flossing Space Monkeys.K.A. Applegate

I don't want to stalk them. I just want to follow them around.Kal

You don't like licking tar off the road?Kal

Cynics are made, not born.Karl Marx

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.Karl Marx

The philosophers have only interpreted the world in various ways; the point, however, is to change it.Karl Marx Theses on Feverbach

We all remember how many religious wars were fought for a religion of love and gentleness; how many bodies were burned alive with the genuinely kind intention of saving souls from the eternal fire of hellKarl Popper

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high- class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.Katharine Hepburn

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. Katharine Whitehorn

I always give homeless people money and my friends yell at me, ‘He’s only going to buy more alcohol and cigarettes.’ And I’m thinking, ‘Oh, and like I wasn’t.’Kathleen Madigan

Keith: I think we should have a king and a queen. That way I could be a jester. Every good country needs a jester.Renata: We have one, but most people call him Mr. Clinton to his face.

Cats and dogs don't mix without a blender.Kelsey

There are two great rules of life: never tell everything at onceKen Venturi

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas. Keppel Enderbery

Weird people are like chocolate cake: some people can't handle the richness.Kiki Bernat

A good listener is usually thinking about something else. Kin Hubbard

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.Kin Hubbard

The hardest thing about prize fighting is picking up your teeth with a boxing glove on.Kin Hubbard

Change your underwear daily!Klaas

Never pet a burning dog.Klaas

Wear bright clothing when riding a bicycle at night.Klaas

Computer games don't affect kids; I mean, if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.Kristian Wilson Nintendo Inc, 1989

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. Kurt Vonnegut Cold Turkey, May 10, 2004

Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power.Lao-Tzu

A hyperIQ would either be tremendously unhappy, tremendously unpopular or both. Such a person would die young, and his or her contributions wouldn’t be appreciated for hundreds of years, if ever.Larry K. Strange Brains and Genius

One might say that people who oversee things have the gift of oversight. Larry Wall

Don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.L. Atkinson

When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!Laurence J. Peter

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under populated. Lawrence Summers

You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?" I bet if you looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or something.Lee Entrekin

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? Lee Iacocca

Why is my existence so perfect with dark places? And why do I no longer care?Lemuel W. H. Ranier

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.Leo Aikman

A boy becomes an adult three years before his parents think he does and about two years after he thinks he does.Lewis B. Hershey

Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the Earth with your eyes turned skyward. For it is there that you have been and it its there that you will always long to be.Leonardo da Vinci

The really cool thing about dating a bisexual is that if you ever had a sex change operation, they'd probably still want to date you.Lili Von Schtupp

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.Lily Tomlin

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.Lily Tomlin

Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.Lily Tomlin

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.Lily Tomlin

It doesn’t matter what anyone else does or say or thinks when you see nothing in the mirror.Lindsay A Bright Red Scream

If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!Liz

I have underwear with the same print as your website background!Liz

My friend gave a Spanish presentation and said her father was a potato and she was raised by dogs.Liz

The sun is a government conspiracy. It died many years ago, so they blow up nuclear warheads constantly to create 'ultra-violet' radiation and to keep the public under control.Liz and Chungy

Vertigo is a government conspiracy. It's to keep us from jumping off buildings and discovering the truth.Liz

What sight is sadder than the sight of a woman we admire admiring a nauseating picture?Logan Pearsall Smith All Trivia

Fate? Ha! That's what you call it when you don't know the name of the person screwing you over!Lois Malcolm in the Middle

In solitude, where we are least alone Lord Byron

Never be afraid to bite off more than you can chew...you may underestimate the size of your mouth!!Lori

We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.Luciano de Crescenzo

But the gift of Providence that we really cherish is that we were given as our neighbours on this great, wonderful continent, the people and the nation of Canada.Lyndon B. Johnson Expo 67, Montreal

I love my mom. I told her I was bi and she said "Greedy little b****! Aren't satisfied with guys!? You always yell about how you hate people, and now you have to deal with dating MORE of them! Want some ice cream?"Madders

Is it true that all metal was liquid first? Does that mean if we bought our car earlier they could have served it in a cup?Madison Nye

It's not the men in your life that counts; it's the life in your men.Mae West

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.Mae West

Too much of a good thing can be wonderfulMae West

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.Mae West

Really, Huma, the only thing more foolish than you parading around in sheets of metal is the company you tend to keep. Myself excluded, of course. Magius

Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.Mahatma Gandhi

To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.Mahatma Gandhi

If Jesus died for our sins, then why does Hell exist?Marc

A home without books is a body without soul.Marcus Tullius Cicero

If I don't go online, I feel really like...disconnected. Margaret Chow

I'm extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.Margaret Thatcher

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope between the twin towers of New York's World Trade Centre. Intelligence is not trying.Marilyn vos Savant

Dust is a protective coating for fine furniture.Mario Buatta

If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate. Marion Barry

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. Mark Twain

All generalizations are false, including this one.Mark Twain

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. Mark Twain

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Mark Twain

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear. Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain

Every one is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybodyMark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. Mark Twain

Fleas can be taught nearly anything a congressman can. Mark Twain

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain Notebooks, 1935

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it. Mark Twain

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way. Mark Twain

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. Mark Twain

In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. Mark Twain

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress. Mark Twain

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. Mark Twain

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain

It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart: the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you.Mark Twain

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Mark Twain

Never let your schooling interfere with your education.Mark Twain

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain

The idea that no gentleman ever swears is all wrong; he can swear and still be a gentleman if he does it in a nice and benevolent and affectionate wayMark Twain New York City, Jan. 22, 1906

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.Mark Twain

The report of my death was an exaggeration. Mark Twain

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.Mark Twain

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.Mark Twain Old Times on the Mississippi

Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century.Marshall McLuhan

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important. Martin Luther King Jr.

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Behind every successful man...is an astonished woman.Maryon Pearson

I'm glad that life isn't like a Christmas song, because if my friends and I were building a snowman and it suddenly came alive when we put a hat on it, I'd probably freak and stab it to death with an icicle.Matthew Perry

Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose.Meghan Skinner

You know, over these last few years, I've come to think of you as a sort of son. Not a favourite son, of course -- lord, no! -- more a sort of illegitimate backstairs sort of sprog, you know: a sort of spotty squib that nobody really likes. But, nonetheless, still fruit of my overactive loin. Melchett Goodbyeee

Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God HimselfMiguel de Unamuno

Now I lay me down to rest, and hope I pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take.Mike

No matter where you go, you're there.Mike Brady

Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get it through metal detectors.Mike Hayward

Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful woman in the room and say, "You've got something hanging out of your nose." Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.Mike Hayward

People say I'm crazy for talking to myself. I say I'm just glad to have found an intelligent conversation.Mike Hutchison

Play "Strip Risk". It is the only game in which you can say, "I've conquered Algeria, now give me your pants!"Mike Ludders

Is the Bermuda Triangle isosceles or scalene?Miles

There is only one justification for assassination: to save lives, lots of lives. One life to save many.Miles Copeland Rolling Stone, 1986

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.Milton Berle

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. Milton Berle

Butt-kicking for goodness!Minsc Baldur’s Gate

Butts will be liberally kicked in good measure!Minsc Baldur’s Gate

The businessmen who run banks are so worried about holding on to things that they put little chains on all their pens.Miss Piggy Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.Mitch Hedberg

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.Mitch Hedberg

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana?Mitch Hedberg

Wise men talk about ideas, intellectuals about facts, and the ordinary man talks about what he eats.

Mongolian Proverb

If I now call Mr Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.Monty Python And Now For Something Completely Different

Well, er, yes Mr Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.Monty Python And Now For Something Completely Different

Mechanical engineers build bombs. Civil engineers build targets.Mr. Loh

Everybody's favourite tuba sonata! Which is kind of like training a moose to learn ballet.Mr. Long

Some time in the future your grandchildren might ask you about this. And you'll be sitting in your rocking chair trying to remember what a precedent is. And I'll be up in heaven throwing lightning down at you.Mrs. Cunningham

When you all come to visit me in the nursing home, I'm going to run over Sarah's toes with my rocking chair.Mrs. Cunningham

Believe it or not, but Mao was a former librarian. Never trust those librarians. They may look all mild-mannered, but you never know...Mrs. Guthrie

I just get such a kick out of seeing this little Russian premier frolicking around America, wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Could you picture the President going around to foreign countries, wearing a funny hat? Well, I could imagine Bush doing that...Mrs. Guthrie

Mulan: Would you like to stay for dinner?Grandmother: Would you like to stay forever?Mulan

If death is the easy way out...Why is it so hard?Muna

Did you see those Huns? They popped right out of the snow! Like daisies!Mushu Mulan

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.Nancy Astor

An aristocracy in a republic is like a chicken whose head has been cut off; it may run about in a lovely way, but in fact it’s dead.Nancy Mitford Noblesse Oblige

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Napoleon Bonaparte

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. Napoleon Bonaparte

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap. Napoleon Bonaparte

It requires more courage to suffer than to die. Napoleon Bonaparte

Men will fight long and hard for a bit of coloured ribbon. Napoleon Bonaparte

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. Napoleon Bonaparte

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Napoleon Bonaparte

What a beautiful fix we are in now; peace has been declared. Napoleon Bonaparte

According to doomsayers, the alignment will cause earthquakes, floods, and maybe even split our planet in two like a meat cleaver through a head of lettuce! In all fairness that sounds like an event to note on your calendar.NASA

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful; hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.Natalie

The other day I watched a meth user with drug induced psychosis dig a non-existent 'bug' out of his arm with a Swiss-army knife. YOU ever done that?Needle Exchange Saves Lives

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up these defences, you build this whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own any more. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets inside you and rips you apart pain. I hate love.Neil Gaiman

We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally. Nguyen Co Thatch

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?Nick Featherman

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.Nikkid

I do not think there is any thrill that can go through the human heart like that felt by the inventor as he sees some creation of the brain unfolding to success. … Such emotions make a man forget food, sleep, friends, love, everything.Nikola Tesla Strange Brains and Genius

Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips."Niles Frasier

My dear boy, forget about the motivation. Just say the lines and don’t trip over the furniture.Noel Coward

Your motivation is your pay packet on Friday. Now get on with it.Noel Coward

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy. Nora Ephron

Heroism consists in hanging on one minute longer.Norwegian proverb

No-one else’s opinion matters except your own!Nutty Griffo

There are no straight lines in Nature.Nutty Griffo

Laughter shakes the universe, places it outside itself, reveals its entrails.Octavio Paz One Door Away From Heaven

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. Ohio University

I think that I shall never seeA billboard lovely as a tree.Indeed, unless the billboards fallI’ll never see a tree at all.Ogden Nash ‘Song of the Open Road’, Happy Days

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore. Ogden Nash

They all observe one rule which woe betides the banker who fails to heed it,Which is you must never lend any money to anybody unless they don’t need it.Ogden Nash ‘Bankers are Just Like Anybody Else, except Richer’, I’m a Stranger Here Myself

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...Oprah Winfrey

In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.Orson Welles

[A bad poet] lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize.Oscar Wilde The Picture of Dorian Gray

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.Oscar Wilde

And all men kill the thing they love,By all let this be heard,Some do it with a bitter look,Some with a flattering word,The coward does it with a kiss,The brave man with a sword!Oscar Wilde The Ballad of Reading Gaol

A true artist takes no notice whatever of the public. The public to him are nonexistent. He leaves that to the popular novelist.Oscar Wilde The Soul of Man Under Socialism

Behind every exquisite thing that existed, there was something tragic.Oscar Wilde The Picture of Dorian Gray

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginativeOscar Wilde

Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.Oscar Wilde

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made.Oscar Wilde

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being?Oscar Wilde

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself.Oscar Wilde An Ideal Husband

I can resist everything except temptation.Oscar Wilde

I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.Oscar Wilde The Importance of Being Earnest

I had everything I wanted. Now I have merely everything that other people want, which isn’t nearly so pleasant.

Oscar Wilde A Woman of No Importance

I like talking to a brick wall; it’s the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.Oscar Wilde Lady Windermere’s Fan

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. Oscar Wilde

It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolutionOscar Wilde

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.Oscar Wilde

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.Oscar Wilde

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did he would cease to be an artist.Oscar Wilde The Decay of Lying

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you.Oscar Wilde

The aim of love is to love: no more, and no less.Oscar Wilde

The old believe everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything.Oscar Wilde Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.Oscar Wilde

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.Oscar Wilde The Importance of Being Earnest

Vile deeds like poison weeds bloom well in prison air, it is only what is good in man that wastes and withers there. Oscar Wilde The Ballad of Reading Gaol

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.Oscar Wilde

When liberty comes with hands dabbled in blood it is hard to shake hands with her.Oscar Wilde

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.Oscar Wilde

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.Ozzy Osbourne

Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends.Pansy Penner Reader’s Digest

We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover. Parish Magazine

How can one be seemingly mature and snotty 44-year-old attorney who actually eats his boogers?Pat

A little something sweet never hurt anybody.Patricia McCormick

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.Paul Beatty

If pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress?Paul Harvey

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.Paul Rodriguez

I wish life were more like a musical, so when I burst into song at the bus stop, people would stop staring at me. It might also make them more inclined to learn the chorus and the dance numbers.P.B. Hill

Winter is come and gone,But grief returns with the revolving year.Percy Bysshe Shelley Adonais

When you’ve made gravy under gunfire, you can do anything.Percy Sugden Coronation Street

Peter: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO". Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Family Guy

At one point I found myself standing before an oil of a horse that I figured was probably a self-portrait judging from the general execution.Peter De Vries Let Me Count the Ways

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.Peter Gabriel

Sobriety’s a real turn-on for me. You can see what you’re doing.Peter O’Toole

Two members of my profession who are not urgently needed by my profession, Mr. Ronald Reagan and Mr. George Murphy, entered politics, and they've done extremely well. Since there has been no reciprocal tendency in the other direction, it suggests to me that our job is still more difficult than their new one.Peter Ustinov Any Questions?

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. Philip Streifer

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.Phyllis Diller

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.Pierre Burton

Canada is a country whose main exports are hockey players and cold fronts. Our main imports are baseball players and acid rain. Pierre Trudeau

During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?P. J. O’Rourke

Weird clothing is de rigueur for teenagers, but today's generation of teens is finding it difficult to be sufficiently weird. This is because the previous generation of teens, who went through adolescence in the sixties and seventies, used up practically all the available weirdness. After what went on in that twenty-year period, almost nothing looks strange to anyone. P. J. O’Rourke Modern Manners

If one has made a mistake, and fails to correct it, one has made a greater mistake.Plato

The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. Plato

(After recovering the stolen element from Tat)Popka: And try to keep a tighter grip on it this time!Lolo: You can count on me! (Drops element)

Look at him. Do you think he's fighting because he wants to save the world? No! It's because he's a simple fool, and all he knows is to keep on trying. And you're a bigger fool than he is! The least you could do is try!Popka Klonoa 2: Lunatea's Veil

...All People are liars. Psalms 116:11

An autobiography is an obituary in serial form with the last instalment missing.Quentin Crisp The Naked Civil Servant

Never get into a narrow double bed with a wide single man.Quentin Crisp

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper.Quentin Crisp Evening Standard

When I stand before you at the end of the day, you shall see my scars and know that I had my wounds and also my healing.Rabindranath Tagore

For each thorn, there's a rosebud... for each twilight — a dawn... for each trial — the strength to carry on, For each stormcloud — a rainbow... for each shadow — the sun... for each parting — sweet memories when sorrow is done. Ralph Waldo Emerson

The highest revelation is that God is in every manRalph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.Ralph Waldo Emerson

This job would be great if it wasn't for the customers.Randal Clerks

Life isn't about what you take when you leave this world behind; it's what you leave behind when you go.Randy Travis Three Wooden Crosses

Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world. R. D. Laing

Keep your temper. Do not quarrel with an angry person, but give him a soft answer. It is commanded by the Holy Writ and, furthermore, it makes him madder than anything else you could say.Reader’s Digest

Being alive is such a pain, when you're dead you don’t have to do anything. Realblender

I couldn’t fix my breaks so I just made the horn louder. Realblender

The universe seems wondrous to me, with or without God. It has powerful lines and uncompromising ways. Patience and time sit like sages on the planets, strong and impersonal. There is a stark beauty to all of this. Real Live Preacher

We think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God’s existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith. Real Live Preacher

I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.Rebecca West

Tonight we honour a man old enough to be his own father… a man who embarrassed everyone at the Last Supper by asking for seconds.Red Buttons

Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati - When all else fails, play dead. Red Green

¡Ayúdeme! ¡Ayúdeme! Un límon gigante! - Help me! Help me! A giant lemon!Renata

¡Caray! ¡Ese pez rabioso un vez mas! - Damn! That rabid fish again!Renata

Eminem is a white guy who can't rap. So is Harry Potter.Renata

Hunting is weird. It can't be healthy to run about shooting fuzzy woodland creatures in your spare time.Renata

Oh yeah? Well, the Little Mermaid was really a manatee, and Prince Eric was a nearsighted, drunken pirate!Renata

Quiero noveciento pollos, pór favór. - I want nine hundred chickens, please.Renata

Say... ever wonder just why Mark is under the blanket in Contact? And, um, why he takes his camera with him? I mean, I know "Mark's in love with his work", but...Renata

Tengo una cuchilla. Me da su queso. - I have a knife. Give me your cheese.Renata

The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' That may be true, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'.Renata

Do what you think and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Richard Bach

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't.Richard Bach

Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. Richard Bach

I wonder if what we are publishing now is worth cutting down trees to make paper for the stuff.Richard Brautigan

I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.Richard Dawkins

We are atheists about most of the gods that humanity has ever believed in. Some of us just go one god further.Richard Dawkins

The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. Richard Francis Burton

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue. Richard Nixon

Solutions are not the answer. Richard Nixon

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too. Richard Nixon

The President can bomb anybody he likes.Richard Nixon Nixon

When I'm at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there's a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who's struggling mightily with a fork. Rick Budinich

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor. Ring Lardner How to Write Short Stories

Do you remember when everyone began analysing Beatle songs? I don’t think I understood what some of them were supposed to be about.Ringo Starr

My mother used to say that there was no word like 'primadonna' to describe males who behave in that arrogant, spoiled, and unreasonably demanding way, because the word for men who behave like that is 'men'.

Rita

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.Rita Mae Brown

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you.Rob

You can be a king or a street-sweeper, but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper.Robert Alton Harris The Book of Lists: Canadian Edition

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.Robert Benchley

Take away love, and our earth is a tomb.Robert Browning

Change is inevitable...except from vending machines.Robert C. Gallagher

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.Robert Cody

The world is filled with willing people: some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.Robert Frost

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge, that myth is more potent that history. I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts - that hope always triumphs over experience - that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death Robert Fulghum The Crow

Art is the process of evoking pity and terror… creative art is intercourse, in which the artist renders emotional his audience.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

Every choice must be paid for.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

If [he] had given them something big – like stereo, or bingo – but he gave them the Truth. Or a piece of the Truth. And who is interested in Truth?Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

Killing a man may be necessary. But confining him is an offence against his integrity – and yours.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

Man is the animal that laughs at himself.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

Never try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time, and you annoy the pig.Robert Heinlein

The crummiest plaster crucifix can evoke emotions in the human heart so strong that many have died for them.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

They laugh because it hurts… because it’s the only thing that’ll make it stop hurting.Robert Heinlein Stranger in a Strange Land

The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish. Robert H. Jackson

Tell me there is a God in the serene heavens that will damn his children for the expression of an honest belief! More men have died in their sins, judged by your orthodox creeds, than there are leaves in all the forests in the wide world ten thousand times over. Tell me these men are in Hell; that these men are in torment; that these children are in eternal pain, and that they are to be punished forever and forever! I denounce this doctrine as the most infamous of lies.Robert Ingersoll

Anyone who works is a fool. I don’t work – I merely inflict myself on the public.Robert Morley

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.Robert Orben

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.Robert Orben

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.Robert Quillen

Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.Robin Hood

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.Robin Williams

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.Robin Williams

Is that a kind of occupational hazard of soul mates? One's not much without the other?Robin Williams What Dreams May Come

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.Robin Williams Dead Poet’s Society

That's when I realized I'm part of the problem. Not because I remind you, but because I couldn't join you.Robin Williams What Dreams May Come

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.Rodney Dangerfield

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. Rod Serling

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.Ronald Reagan

I believe there is a god, but I don't believe that to truly believe you must sit with other believers one day a week for two hours. If god is god then I'm sure he will not mind if I chose to believe in him in my own way.Rudiger Rapin

If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.Russ Mason

It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.Sally Kempton

Education is a cure for ignorance, not stupidity.Salvatore J. Stolfo

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me, than a full frontal lobotomy.

Sam

Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.Sam Austin

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say itSam Levinson

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.Sam Levinson

Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingnessSamuel Beckett

The tears of the world are a constant quantity. For each one who begins to weep, somewhere else another stops. The same is true of the laugh.Samuel Beckett Waiting For Godot

We are all born mad. Some remain so.Samuel Beckett

An apology for the Devil: It must be remembered that we have only heard one side of the case. God has written all the books.Samuel Butler

A wide screen just makes a bad film twice as bad. Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. Samuel Goldwyn

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. Samuel Goldwyn

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. Samuel Goldwyn

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

Samuel Goldwyn

A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad marksman who instead of aiming a single stone at an object takes up a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit.Samuel Johnson Strange Brains and Genius

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.Samuel Johnson Strange Brains and Genius

No man ever yet became great through imitation.Samuel Johnson Strange Brains and Genius

Nothing will ever be attempted, if all possible objections must first be overcome.Samuel Johnson Strange Brains and Genius

There is no being so poor and so contemptible who does not think there is somebody still poorer, and still more contemptible.Samuel Johnson Strange Brains and Genius

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Sandra Bullock Hope Floats

The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.Scott Adams

Falling flat on your face is still moving forward.Scott R. Robinson

I only slept with her cause I'm in love with you!Sean Bateman The Rules of Attraction

Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90)Sean Dwyer

The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, right?Self Esteem

When she says that she wants only me, then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends...Self Esteem

I'm obsessed with my book. It's not finished yet. I have a character based on you. She dies.Seth

So Xana suddenly tells me that he had drunken some of the poisoned wine to convince the guards it was safe... Seth

Donald heard a mermaid sing, Susy spied an elf,But all the magic I have known, I’ve had to make myself.Shel Silverstein

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple

At the end of the day, you're entitled to your wrong opinion.Shurlee Meshow

Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Sign in Budapest Zoo

One should try everything once, except incest and folk dancing.Sir Arnold Bax Farewell to my Youth

Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctoral gift that no one ever asks for. Unreturnable because all you get back is another box of chocolates. So, you're stuck with mostly undefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game. Sure, once is a while you get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting. In the end, you are left with nothing but broken bits filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, which, if you are desperate enough to eat, leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper.Smoking Man X-Files

Death is not the worst; rather, in vainTo wish for death, and not to compass it.Sophocles Electra

The road of good intentions is paved with Hell. Spencer Ante

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible.Stanislaw Lem

You rented hair? Wouldn't that be like buying a wig?Stephen

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.Stephen Leacock ‘The Perfect Salesman’, Garden of Folly

Most people tire of a lecture in 10 minutes; clever people can do it in five. Sensible people never go to lectures at all.Stephen Leacock

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.Stephen Roberts

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.Steve Landesberg

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it.Steven

With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion. Steven Weinberg New York Times, April 20, 1999

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.Steven Wright

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, 'Go ahead, touch it...it feels real.' Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill. Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamppost and left it running... Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar. Steven Wright

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping. Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, 'Steven, time to go to sleep.' I said, 'But I don't know how.' She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.' So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of Steven Wright

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still... Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. Steven Wright

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitateSteven Wright

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list. Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open. Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it. Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, 'Here, you can go.' Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were! Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor. Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered along the beaches around the world. Maybe you’ve seen it.Steven Wright

I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.Steven Wright

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Steven Wright

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations - its cold, half French, and difficult to stirStuart Keate

Supreme excellence in warfare consists of subduing the enemy without fighting.Sun Tzu The Art of War

I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. Susanna Girl Interrupted

Cogito ergo boom.Susan Sontag Styles of Radical Will, 1969

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush. Sylvester Stallone

I talk to God but the sky is empty. Sylvia Plath

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won't cure, but I don't know many of them.Sylvia Plath

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.Sy Parrish One-Hour Photo

The journey is the reward. Tao Saying

If you wake up tomorrow, hanging from the flagpole in a little duct tape cocoon, it's not my fault.Tara

I'm not sadistic! He just looks so cute when he's in pain.Tara

Mr. Madison. What you've just said...is one of the most insanely idiotic things I've ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response was there anything that could even be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.Teacher Billy Madison

Always be aware of any helpful item that weighs less than it's operating manual. Terry Pratchett

Give a man a fire and he's warm for the day. But set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life. Terry Pratchett

God does not play dice with the universe: He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman Good Omens

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. Terry Pratchett

'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is.Terry Pratchett

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett

Do not always assume the other fellow has intelligence equal to yours. He may have more.Terry Thomas

Freedom means having power, not the power to control other people but the power to control the circumstance of one’s own life.Theodore Kaczynski Unabomber Manifesto

It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.Theodore Roosevelt

If it moves, salute it,If it doesn’t move, pick it up.If you can’t pick it up, paint it.The Sad Sack’s Catechism

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.Thomas Banacek

The life of man, solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.Thomas Hobbes The Leviathan

All cats are grey in the dark. Thomas Lodge

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. Thomas S. Szasz The Second Sin

A cult is a religion with no political power. Thomas Wolfe

The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else do it wrong without comment.

T. H. White

Little rabbit foo foo hoppin’ ‘round Australia.Along comes Skylab and bops him on the head.Tim

It’s a shame that stupidity isn't painful.Todd Selburg

A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. Toledo Blade

It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year.Tom Lehrer

I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians. Tommy Lasorda

Humankind cannot take too much reality.T. S. Eliot

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. T. S. Eliot

Radio is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome. T. S. Eliot

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.Tyler Durden Fight Club

To love another person is to see the face of God.Victor Hugo Les Miserables

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. Vlade Divac

It's dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong.Voltaire

The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.Voltaire

To believe in God is impossible - to not believe in Him is absurd

Voltaire

Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.Prof. Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.Wadsworth: Well, your work has not changed.Clue

A single hyperIQ individual would be insane before adulthood.Walt J. Strange Brains and Genius

Sure a bunch of people have climbed Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen, but I bet hardly anyone has done it without pants.Ward Cobleigh

Don't take life seriously; it isn't permanent.Warren Miller

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.Waylon Jennings

The most beautiful flower in the world will kill you if you snort the petals up your nose.Wayne Allred

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.W. C. Fields

The light at the end of a tunnel is a train.Whitey

It is simply unreadable, and for me that always sort of spoils a book.Will Cuppy

Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the US is an English lady in a funny hat.Will Ferguson

The great themes of Canadian history are as follows: Keeping the Americans out, keeping the French in, and trying to get the Natives to somehow disappear.Will Ferguson

How classy is it for me to wear these pink tennis shoes with my tux? Will Ferrell

Whom does the prime minister prefer? Tinky Winkey, Dipsy, Po, or La-La? Will Ferrell

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.William Blake

For 'tis a truth well known to most,That whatsoever thing is lost,We seek it, ere it comes to light,In every cranny but the right.William Cowper The Retired Cat

Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious.William Feather

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age. William Feather

I believe that man suffers an appalling ignorance of his own nature.William Golding

The first thing we do,Let’s kill all the lawyers.William Shakespeare King Henry VI

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.William Somerset Maugham

It was such a lovely day, I thought it was a pity to get up.William Somerset Maugham Our Betters, 1923

The unfortunate thing about this world is that good habits are so much easier to give up than bad ones.William Somerset Maugham

I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming and in terror like his passengers.Will Shriner

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift, that's why we call it the present.Winnie the Pooh

I feel my best when I'm happy Winona Ryder

I've never had major knee surgery on any part of my body. Winston Bennett

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed. Winston Churchill

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. Winston Churchill

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Winston Churchill

If you are going through hell, keep going.Winston Churchill

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried. Winston Churchill

One day President Roosevelt told me that he was asking publicly for suggestions about what the war should be called. I said at once 'The Unnecessary War'. Winston Churchill

Some civil servants are neither servants nor civil.Winston Churchill

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill

The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. Winston Churchill

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. Winston Churchill

This report, by its very length, defends itself against being read.Winston Churchill

We occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry on as if nothing happened.Winston Churchill

What this country needs is institution, constitution and pros...perity

Winston Churchill

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home. Winston Churchill

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.Winston Churchill

If you want to make God laugh...Tell him your plans.Woody Allen

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.Woody Allen Getting Even, 1973

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.Woody Allen

My main hope for myself is to be where I am.Woody Harrelson

Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours. Yogi Berra

Half this game is 90% mental. Yogi Berra

I didn't really say everything I said. Yogi Berra

Young Girl: ... and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby! Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too. Wednesday: They had sex.Addams Family Values

I like school. It's just too bad classes get in the way. Zack Saved By the Bell

You know, I've finally found out the best thing about high school. Once you graduate, you don't have to come back.Zack Saved By the Bell

As Good as it Gets:

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.Carol

When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.Carol

Carol: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me! Carol's Mom: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.

Woman: How do you write women so well? Melvin: I think of a man, and then I take away reason, and accountability.

Babylon 5:

Bester: That's a lie.Sinclair: Yes, it is. What's your point?

Garibaldi: Can I kill him now?Sinclair: Let me get back to you.

General Richard Franklin: I had an Alfredo Garibaldi under my command during the Dilgar invasion. Excellent soldier.Garibaldi: That's my dad.General Richard Franklin: So much for genetics.

If you are going to kill me, then do so. Otherwise, I have considerable work to do. - Lennier to Kalain

Londo: Okay, we made a mistake. I'm sorry. Here, open my wrist.Garibaldi: Centauri don't have major arteries in their wrist.Londo: Of course we don't. What do you think, I'm stupid?

Because I have asked you. And because your loyalty to our people should be greater than your ambition. And because I have poisoned your drink.Lord Refa

You see, it's like I've always said: 'You can get more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can with just a kind word.' Please, continue. Marcus

Tu'Pari: Are you Ambassador G'Kar?G'Kar: This is Ambassador G'Kar's quarters. This is Ambassador G'Kar's table. This is Ambassador G'Kar's dinner. What part of this progression escapes you?

Vir: Ah! He has become one with his inner self!Garibaldi: He's passed out.Vir: That too.

Buffy the vampire slayer:

Buffy: Are you OK?Oz: Oh, yeah. I'm shot, ya know? I mean, wow. It's odd. And painful.

Buffy: Who are you? Angel: Let's just say I'm a friend. Buffy: Well, maybe I don't want a friend! Angel: I didn't say I was yours.

Doyle: Where's Angel? Spike: Hmm... tall, brooding guy... caveman brow? He's having the living hell tortured out of 'im.

Drusilla: Maybe I'll sleep underground. Dig myself a little burrow. Spike: What about your pretty dress, sweet? It'll get all dirty. Drusilla: Then I'll sleep naked. Like the animals do. Angel: You know... I'm suddenly likin' this plan.

Drusilla: Why, Angel. Where have you been? The sun is almost up, and it can be so hurtful. We were worried. Spike: No we weren't.

All the kids here are free to call me Bob. But, they don't.Flutie

Flutie: I have had it up to here with you four. What are you doing? Kyle: Nothing Flutie: Did I ask you to speak? Kyle: ... Flutie: Okay, I guess I did.

I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer.Giles

Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson. Buffy: We're both fans? Giles: Yes, she's quite a good poet. I mean, for uh, a... Buffy: A girl? Giles: For an American.

Giles: They came after me, but I was more than a match for them. Buffy: Meaning? Giles: I hid.

Harmony: You love that tunnel more than me! Spike: I love syphilis more than you.

Mrs. Summers: Have we met? Spike: uh... you hit me with an axe one time. Remember? Uh... Get the hell away from my daughter? Mrs. Summers: Oh.

Other vampire: Yeah, I'd heard you'd gone soft. Sad to see it, maaaan. Spike: Soft? Other vampire: Yeah. Like baby food. Spike: Well then, let's give baby a taste. Spike: (beating other vampire's head against a table) Does baby like 'is supper? Does baby like 'is supper? Why doesn't baby have a nap?

Oz: How are you feelin'?Willow: My head feels big. Is it big?Oz: No, it's head-sized.

Oz: Oh, look, monkey! And he has a little hat and little pants.Willow: Yeah. I-I-I see.Oz: The monkey is the only cookie animal who gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen... So, I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going 'Hey man! Where are _my_ pants? I have my hippo dignity!’ And, you know, the monkey's just 'I mock you with my monkey pants!’Willow: (laughs)Oz: And then there's a big coup at the zoo.Willow: The monkey is French?Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?

Oz: You're just impressed with any girl that can walk and talk.Devon: She doesn't have to talk.

Spike: Are we feeling better, then?Drusilla: Mmmmmmm... I'm naming all the stars. Spike: You can't see the stars, luv. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.Drusilla: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name... 'n there's terrible confusion.

Do you know what I find works real good on slayers? Killing them. Spike

Spike: I told you. I want to stop Angel. (With amusement) I wanna save the world. Buffy: Okay, you do remember you're a vampire, right? Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. I'm going to destroy the world. It's just tough-guy talk. Struttin' around with your friend over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing. Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like happy meals with legs. 'S all right here.

It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big. Spike

No--helping those in need's my job. And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a big pouf is truly thanks enough. Spike speaking for Angel

Oh, sod the spell. Your friends are at the factory. I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrong-headed about this. Weepin', crawlin', blamin' everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was. The man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place. I'll find her--wherever she is--tie 'er up; torture her--'til she likes me again. Spike

Yeah, I did a couple slayers in my time... I don't like to brag... Who am I kidding I love to brag! Spike

You see, I was once a badass vampire. But love--and a pesky curse--defanged me. And now I'm just a biiiiiig fluffy puppy with bad teeth. Spike speaking for Angel

Forgiveness is my middle name. Well actually, it's Lavelle. Xander

Xander: I kind of had a problem with the math. Willow: Which part? Xander: The math.

I laugh in the face of danger, and then I hide until it goes away.Xander

It's funny how the earth never opens up and swallows you when youwant it to. Xander

Just for the record, you were right. I'm an idiot, and God bless you.Xander

Xander: So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night? Buffy: Xander! Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go last night? No, I don't mean that either.

We're right behind you, only further back. Xander

Yesterday, my life's like, 'Uh-oh, pop quiz! Today it's, rain of toads.Xander

Xander: You took a bath. Buffy: Yeah, I often do. I'm actually known for it.

Chronicles of Amber:

Eric was pretty busy dying at the time. It limited our conversation considerably. Corwin Sign of the Unicorn

Corwin: I am going to tell you something Benedict should have told you long ago, never trust a relative. It is far worse than trusting strangers. With a stranger there is a possibility that you might be safe. Dara: You really mean that, don't you? Corwin: Yes. Dara: Yourself included? Corwin: Of course it does not apply to me. I am the soul of honour, kindness, mercy, and goodness. Trust me in all things.Guns of Avalon

I sometimes think of us as a gang of mean little old ladies in a combination rest home and obstacle course. Corwin Guns of Avalon

While I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. Corwin Guns of Avalon

Dara: I've charmed you! Corwin: In your own delicate way, at sword's point, yes. Guns of Avalon

Flora lacks the brains, Deirdre lacks the guts, Llewella hasn't the motivations...and I of course am innocent of all but malice.Fiona Sign of the Unicorn

Hugi: I can see that you have a lot to unlearn. Corwin: If you are talking about my vulgar instinct for survival, forget it. Courts of Chaos

I enjoy slaughtering beasts, and I think of my relatives constantly. Julian Nine Princes in Amber

Lancelot: Are you certain you are not the Devil? Corwin: Yeah, sure. Don't you smell the brimstone? And my right hoof is killing me. Guns of Avalon

Don't wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects. Merlin Prince of Chaos

It is a pain in the ass waiting around for someone to try to kill you. Merlin Trumps of Doom

Of all my relations, I like sex the best and Eric the least. Random Nine Princes in Amber

Discworld:

Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.Mort

Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. Small Gods

He did of course sometimes have people horribly tortured to death, but this was considered to be perfectly acceptable behaviour for a civic ruler and generally approved of by the overwhelming majority of citizens. [footnote: The overwhelming majority of citizens being defined in this case as everyone not currently hanging upside down over a scorpion pit]Sourcery

It became apparent that one reason why the Ice Giants were known as the Ice Giants was because they were, well, giants. The other was that they were made of ice.Sourcery

Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.Sourcery

The vermine is a small black and white relative of the lemming, found in the cold Hublandish regions. Its skin is rare and highly valued, especially by the vermine itself; the selfish little bastard will do anything rather than let go of it.Sourcery

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant "idiot". The Colour of Magic

The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.Wyrd Sisters

Faust:

Bene disserere est finis logicis- Is to dispute well logic's chiefest end?

Che sera sera - Whatever shall be shall be

Exhaereditare filium non potest pater - A father cannot disinherit his son.

Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribedIn one self place, for where we are is hellAnd where hell is there must we ever be;And, to conclude, when all the world dissolvesAnd every creature shall be purified,All places shall be hell that is not heaven.

Ignei aerii aquatici spiritus - Spirits of fire, air, and water

Misericordia pro nobis - Have pity on us

O lente lente currite noctis equi - Slowly, run slowly, oh horses of the night

Propitamus vos- We invoke your favour

Quid tu morais - Why do you delay?

Quin redis fratris imagine - Return in the likeness of a friar

Sint mihi dei Acherontis propitii - Favour me, you gods of Acheron

Si pecasse negamus, fallimur, et nulla est in nobis veritas - If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and there's no truth in us.

Si una eademque res legatur duobus, alter rem, alter valorem rei- If one and the same thing is bequeathed to two persons, one shall have the thing itself, the other its equivalent in value.

Solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris - Misery loves company

Summum bonum medicinae sanitas- The end of physic is our body's health

Ubi desinit philosophus ibi incipit medicus - Where the philosopher stops the physician begins

Valeat numen triplex Iehovae - Yield to the triune power of Jehovah

Forever Knight:

First defence against evil - open your damn eyes. Capt. Reese

If the devil did make her do it, I'd like to see anyone try to prosecute him.Capt. Reese

Why is it when the sky opens up, I'm always the one without an umbrella?Capt. Stonetree

I don't like being dead...It's quite annoying actually.LaCroix

If there is a god, must it be sane?LaCroix

Look, I know you're a figment of my imagination, but you have to stop sneaking up on me!Nat

Since I can't list death as the cause of death - well, you see my predicament.Nat

Nick: Don't mock me!Janette: Somebody has to.

Dreams are portable-- I carry mine with me.Nick

Nick: Go to hell!LaCroix: Not before you do!

Nick: I need a favour, Nat.Nat: I don't know, Nick, favours for you usually involve more than 'Can I borrow your car?'Nick: I'll need that too.

Nick: What are you doing here?LaCroix: Oh, the usual, making your life a living hell.

Word to the wise - immortality is no excuse not to floss.Nick

Nick: You are deranged.LaCroix: Yes, I know.

Schanke about Nick dangling a man out the window: Bring him back inside!Nick: He doesn't deserve to live, Schanke!Schanke: Nick, you solved this thing! Besides, think of the paperwork if you drop him!

I'm curious what happens when we die, but I don't go on reconnaissance missions to find out!Schanke

Schanke: I'm not worth a wad of buffalo chips if I don't get eight hours.Nick: That explains so much!

Now that I've expressly told you I don't need your help...I need your help. Tracy Vetter

Friends:

Chandler: Condoms?Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?

Hey Joey, I wrote a song today, it's called 'get up'.Chandler

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don’t have a dream.Ross: Ah, the lesser known ‘I Don’t Have a Dream’ speech.

Hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. We might want to have a backup plan though, just in case she isn't a cartoon. Chandler

I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.' Chandler

Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?Chandler

Chandler: No, [nipple] it's totally useless.Rachel: As opposed to your other multi-functioning nipples?

Well, what kind of a relationship do you see us having considering you have your foot so far up my leg that you can count the change in my pocket?Chandler

We said be aloof, not a doof. Chandler

Yes, I know what you're thinking and yes your breasts are just as firm and juicy.Chandler to the duck, while watching Baywatch

You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore. Chandler

Joey: I can't sleep in my underwear. Chandler: Well, you're gonna.

If the homo sapiens, are in fact, homo sapiens, is that why they're extinct?Joey

Phoebe is Phoebe but Ursula is hot Joey

Joey: Some girl ate Monica!Monica: Shut up. The camera adds ten pounds.Chandler: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you?

Joey: You hide my clothes, I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you.Chandler: What you're, what you're gonna *show* me my clothes!

He's a shrink, but not in that shrinky way. Phoebe

I think the baby kicked, oh no wait, oh no, it's the elastic in my underwear busted. Phoebe

Phoebe: It's not mine, I didn't earn it; if I kept it, it would be like stealing. Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping. Phoebe: Ok, ok, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes with the money. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? 'Not-mine, not-mine, not-mine.' And even if I were happy, ok, and, and skipping, I'd hear 'notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine...'

New York City has no power. And the milk is getting sour. But to me this is not scary, 'Cause I stay away from dairy. Phoebe

Phoebe: No, Mr. Heckles, we're not making any noise. Mr. Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe! Mr. Heckles: I could play the oboe. Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down!

Now go away so we can talk about you.Phoebe

Now, I don't eat chicken soup, and there's no chicken in the broth, so it's really just chicken noodle water. Phoebe

They have a liking problem with you... in that they don't. Phoebe

You're the cook, without you it's me driving up to people's houses with empty trays and asking for money. Phoebe

Oh God, and now I'm going to have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it soooo much harder... Rachel

Rachel: Tit for tat. Chandler: Well, I'm not showing you my tat.

Ross: Didn't you read 'Lord if the Rings' in High School?Joey: No, I had sex in High School.

Ross: Do you have a point? Chandler: You'd think I would.

I suppose we're looking for a more sophisticated answer than, 'To get you into bed?' Ross

Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over.Phoebe: Oh my god, why?Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.

Ross: What did the doctor say?Joey: I have to wear a cast for a couple of weeks.Ross: What did you tell him when he asked you how you hurt it?Joey: Chandler sold me out; I had a whole story worked out.Chandler: Well, I'm sorry Joe I just don't think he would have believed that it just fell out of the socket.

Ross: What did the insurance company say?Chandler: Oh, they said 'you don't have insurance here so stop calling us'.

Tag: Phoebe. That's a nice name.Phoebe: You think that's nice, you should hear my phone number.

Guilty Pleasures:

Curiosity killed the vampire. One could always hope.Anita

Everyone has his or her weaknesses. Some people smoke. I collect stuffed penguins. If you won't tell, I won't.Anita

I've always wondered what the people in the nursing home thought of living next door to a cemetery. Was it a ghoulish reminder, no pun intended? A convenience, just in case...I've always thought the developer must have been a closet sadist to put the windows staring out over the rolling tombstones hills. Old age is enough without a reminder of what comes next. No visual aids are needed.

Anita

Most people will prefer a likely lie to an unlikely truth.Anita

There is nothing like ruining the calm of a hundred-year-old vampire to boost a girl's morale.Anita

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:

Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. Arthur Dent

Arthur: If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?Ford: We're safe.Arthur: Oh good.Ford: We're in a small galley cabin in one of the spaceships of the Vogon Constructor Fleet.Arthur: Ah, this is obviously some strange use of the word safe that I wasn't previously aware of.

You barbarians! I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn, and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until you've had enough. And then I will do it again! And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will JUMP on them! And I will carry on jumping on them until I get blisters, or I can think of anything even more unpleasant to do...Arthur Dent

MASH:

I haven't volunteered since the day my draft board tied me up and sent me here.BJ

You've gotta understand I'm not working on sick people here. I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition.BJ

Don't play dumb with me. I'm better at it than you are!Col. Flagg

You are toying with me like a cat with a dead moose!Corpsman Desimone

This isn't one of my sermons...I expect you to listen!Father Mulcahy

Frank Burns: I didn't come here to be liked.Radar: You certainly came to the right place, sir.

I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?Frank Burns

I've gotten "Thank you" notes from people I said I'd never see again.Frank Burns

Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.Frank Burns

This was a great war, 'till you guys showed upFrank Burns

We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rearFrank Burns

Frank Burns: Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?Trapper: It saves time, Frank.

You can't park a jeep over a superior officer!Frank Burns

Don't worry; I've never lost a patient. I never lose anything. Have you seen my stethoscope?Hawkeye

Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-mine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn.Hawkeye

I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hara-kiri' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!Hawkeye

I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen

Hawkeye

I told you the food here should not be taken internally.Hawkeye

Hawkeye: I want you to know how much you've meant to me. I'll never be able to shake you; whenever I see a pair of big feet or a cheesy moustache, I'll think of you. BJ: Whenever I smell month-old socks, I'll think of YOU. Hawkeye: Or the next time somebody nails my shoe to the floor... BJ: ...or when somebody gives me a martini that tastes like lighter fluid. Hawkeye: I'll miss you. BJ: I'll miss YOU.

What a unique device, the human tush. An architectural wonder, one of a kind...actually two of a kind. Designed to support our weight for a lifetime of sitting it also has the subtlety to do the samba. And when attached to certain members of the female species at a time when light summer dresses are worn can cause some of us to drive our cars straight up a lamppost.Hawkeye

I'm a former child myself.Henry Blake

Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant Henry Blake

Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. Rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one. Henry Blake

Are you eating breakfast cereal or is that just a bad telephone line?Klinger

May the mother of your camels spit in your yoghurt!Klinger

All personnel will kindly form an orderly stampede.Loudspeaker

Attention all personnel. Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.Loudspeaker

Attention all personnel. Please contact Colonel Blake if anyone knows the whereabouts

of tonight's entree. In the meantime, please be on the lookout for a white Caucasian lamb. He is reported to be unarmed and considered to be delicious.Loudspeaker

Attention all personnel. Since there are no casualties again today, tonight's midnight movie will be seen at nine o'clock this morning. Also, midnight will be cancelled. Loudspeaker

Attention all personnel. Tonight's movie is a holdover from last week and will be shown right after supper, which is also a holdover from last weekLoudspeaker

Attention. Major Houlihan, your chest x-rays are ready and they really came out beautiful.Loudspeaker

Due to the number of people bored last Sunday; next Sunday will be cancelled. Loudspeaker

Don't mind Pierce and Hunnicutt, they're both first rate surgeons. Sure, they'll show up to role call in their bathrobes. They keep a still in their tent. Once they ran all my underwear up the flagpole. But I want you to understand it's an honour to serve with these men. Margaret

I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife.Potter

As usual, I am writing slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.Radar typing a letter

Anger turned sideways is HawkeyeSidney

O Bother, Where Art Thou? :

Well, ain't this place just a geographical oddity? Two weeks from everywhere!Everett

Pete: Hold on! Who elected you the brains of this outfit?Everett: Well, I reckoned it should be the one with capacity for abstract thought, but if you want to put it to a vote, OK. I'm votin' for yours truly!Pete: Well so am I!Everett: Well then, Delmar, yours is the deciding vote...Delmar: I'm with you fellers

Shakespeare in Love:

Fennyman: It is going well?Henslowe: Very well.Fennyman: But nothing is happening.Henslowe: Yes, but very well.Will: Gentlemen! Thank you! You are welcome.Fennyman: Who is that?Henslowe: Nobody. The author.

Henslowe: No - it's a comedy they want, Will! Comedy! Like Romeo and Ethel.Will: Who wrote that?Henslowe: Nobody! You are writing it for me!

Marlowe: I thought your play was for Burbage.Will: This is a different one.Marlowe: A different one you haven't written?

Viola: I am very sorry, sir, I have not seen Act Two.Will: Of course you have not! I have not written it!

Wessex: I have spoke with your father.Viola: So, my lord? I speak with him every day.

Will: We are in desperate want of a Mercutio, Ned, a young nobleman of Verona ...Ned: And the title of this piece?Will: Mercutio.Henslowe: Is it?Ned: I will play him!

Will: You did not like the speech?Ned: The speech is excellent. Oh then I see Queen Mab hath been with you. Excellent and a good length. But then he disappears for the length of a Bible.

Simpsons:

Dear God. We paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.Bart Simpson

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?Homer Simpson

Beer! Now there’s a temporary solution!

Homer Simpson

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done. Homer Simpson

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night. Homer Simpson

Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers. Homer Simpson

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Homer Simpson

English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!Homer Simpson

God bless those pagans. Homer Simpson

Good drink... good meat... good God, let's eat!Homer Simpson

Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!Homer Simpson

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off! Homer Simpson

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet; they're about to announce the lottery numbers!Homer Simpson

I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight. Homer Simpson

I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!Homer Simpson

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Homer Simpson

Just once, I'd like for someone to call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene".Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Homer Simpson

Mmmm, free goo. Homer Simpson

No, my ears really are burning. I lit a q-tip to see what's inside.Homer Simpson

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family. Homer Simpson

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! Homer Simpson

Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own.Homer Simpson

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. Homer Simpson

Moe Szyslak: Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.Abe Simpson: Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front"!

Hey, I may be ugly and hate filled, but... uh... what was the third thing you said?Moe Szyslak

I'm cold. Can I have another straightjacket?Ned Flanders

My cat's breath smells like cat food!Ralph Wiggum

This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed in the deep end. That's where I met the leprechaun. He tells me to burn things.Ralph Wiggum

I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit. Hah! "Attempted murder"? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?Sideshow Bob

Prayer has no place in the public schools, just like facts have no place in organized religion.Superintendent Chalmers

Skull of truth:

Charlie: Can I take a closer look?Mr. Elives: Bend down and put your face to the glass.

Charlie: Do I have to sign it in blood or anything?Jerome (Rat): Ballpoint pen will be fine.

Charlie: I can’t see a thing. Where are we?Yorick (Skull): Underground.Charlie: What are we doing underground?Yorick (Skull): These are grave circumstances Charlie.

Charlie: I can’t tell you how rotten I feel. Well, actually I can. I feel like a two-pound ball of slug slime that’s been sitting in a closed container and turning -Karen: Oh, stop! I get the idea.

I just told my mother the truth!Charlie

Charlie: I’m in no mood for jokes.Yorick (Skull): Bad sign. Do you have a fever?

Charlie: It’s getting worse!Yorick (Skull): What’s getting worse? Your haircut? Your breath? Your grade-point average?Charlie: Your jokes!

She saw the toad’s butt sticking out of Gilbert’s mouth.Charlie

Charlie: What’s the king’s name?Yorick (Skull): Hamlet.Charlie: Are you kidding? The ‘to be or not be’ guy?Yorick (Skull): No, that would be the little git sitting on my back and turning my ribs black and blue.

Charlie: What’s the message?Jerome (Rat): Let us in.Charlie: That’s not the message!

Charlie: Why ask a question if you already know the answer?Yorick (Skull): To be annoying.

Charlie: You can say that again!Yorick (Skull): Nah, you heard me the first time.

Charlie: You kind of scare me.Jerome (Rat): Well, you scare me.

Gramma: I wanted to be a mother. Once you do that, you stop doing a lot of other things that you love, at least for a while.Charlie: What did you do before you were a mother?Gramma: I was an ecdysiast. I was darn good at it too.Tiffany: What’s and eckdizzy?Gramma: An ecdysiast is a striptease dancer

Gramma: Just how stupid do you think I am?Uncle Bennie: Actually, I think you’re quite a smart old dame. I just wish you weren’t so cranky.

Mark: What did you think I was going to do? Kill him?Gilbert: No, but I figured you might whack him around a little?Mark: Take the darn thing!Yorick (Skull): Who are you calling a thing?

Andy Simmons ate a bug today!Mimi

I dreamed I was a monkey. What did you dream?Mimi

Like that? Well it’s not for sale. Now what are you here for?Mr. Elives

Tiffany: But what about Do-As-You-Love? Did he die too?Ms. Priest: Oh, of course he did. We all do, eventually.

Tiffany: Well, what happened when he went to heaven?Ms. Priest: He never noticed the difference.

Truth: Time is but an illusion. We will get there when we get there.Charlie: Great! She – he - whatever! – is as annoying as you are!

Old Woman: Do you think I’m ugly?Yorick (When Alive): Well, you aren’t the queen of May.

Hope he doesn’t ask me if I liked tonight’s show. I’ll have to tell him I was watching Mel Gibson instead. He hates it when that happens.Uncle Bennie

Uncle Bennie: What’s in the backpack, ace?Charlie: The Skull of TruthDave: Boy, I can tell you two are from the same family Bennie. He’s as weird as you are!Uncle Bennie: Take that as a compliment.

Wild and strange – like me!Uncle Bennie

Uncle Horace: Generally it’s a lot more boring.Mrs. Eggleston: Look who’s talking about boring.Uncle Horace: Do you think I like being boring, Veronica? I hate it!

Yorick (Skull): As long as it takes, I guessCharlie: As long as what takes?Yorick (Skull): Whatever is supposed to happen.Charlie: What are you talking about? What’s supposed to happen?Yorick (Skull): I don’t have the slightest idea.

Yorick (Skull): Best joke I ever knew was about Millard Fillmore. Screamingly funny. Unfortunately, I doubt one person in a million would understand it today.Charlie: Who’s Millard Fillmore?

Do you suppose you could get rid of your shoulders for a while?Yorick (Skull)

Forget it. I wouldn’t hurt a fly. No, that’s not true. I hate flies. Always buzzing around me, creeping into my eye sockets. Man I hate when they get inside and crawl around. Tickles like crazy. I’d swat them in an instant if I still had hands. But I wouldn’t hurt you, not after the favour you did me today!Yorick (Skull)

Hey, just because I only tell the truth doesn’t mean I have to make sense. Half of what I say is stranger than fiction. But it’s all true. Guaranteed.

Yorick (Skull)

Yorick (Skull): I am not a thing. I am a child of the universe.Karen: Is he always like this?Charlie: No. Sometimes he’s even worse.Yorick (Skull): It’s a gift.

Yorick (Skull): I cannot tell a lie, even if I try. Dee dee-dee dee-dee, die dee-die dee-die.Charlie: I never thought a dead person would find things so funny.Yorick (Skull): You think if I start to cry it will bring me back to life?

If I had a body, I’d shiver.Yorick (Skull)

I mean, don’t leave your hands lying on the desk like a pair of dead pigeons.Yorick (Skull)

I take you were so impressed with how incredibly handsome I look sans hair that you decided to try it for yourself?Yorick (Skull)

Yorick (Skull): It was fate.Charlie: Fate, my foot! I had no intention of stealing you from that shop.

Yorick (Skull): Oh, calm down. It won’t hurt you to tell the truth for a while.Charlie: Hurt me? Something like that could kill me!

Once you’re dead they bury you - at least, they do if they don’t want you smelling the place up.Yorick (Skull)

The closet? You’re going to put me in the closet?Yorick (Skull)

The only people who can get away with telling the absolute truth are fools and poets. Yorick (Skull)

Yorick (Skull): Uh-oh Toto. I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.Charlie: We weren’t in Kansas to begin with.Yorick (Skull): If you think Truth is annoying, you ought to try living with you.

Vampire Chronicles:

All I need to find you, Louis, is to follow the corpses of rats.

Lestat Interview With a Vampire

Have you heard enough? I've had to listen to that for centuries. Lestat Interview With a Vampire

Hear me now. This place is cursed, damned. And yes, your master is the devil. Get out while you can! You are all free men! Do you hear me? Run! Flee! Save yourselves!Louis Interview With a Vampire

Louis: Where are we?Lestat: Where do you think, my idiot friend? We're in a nice, filthy cemetery. Does this make you happy? Is this fitting, proper enough? Louis: We belong in hell.Interview With a Vampire