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LET'S GO PLAY OUTSIDE!

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GOT A NEW VIDEO GAME Lose a turn

HELPING DAD MAKE WAFFLES

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Junior

T h i n k b a c k t o t h e last c h u n k o f t o g e t h e r t i m e y o u ca r ved o u t f o r f a m i l y . T h i n k i n g . . . t h i n k i n g . . . h m m m , can y o u even r e m e m b e r ? I f y o u can ' t , y ou ' r e i n g o o d — a n d b i g -c o m p a n y . A f u l l 9 6 p e r c e n t o f p a r e n t s say t h e y ' d l ove t o have e v en one m o r e h o u r a week w i t h t h e i r k ids , a c c o r d i n g t o a r e c en t su rvey b y Disney . W h a t ' s m o r e , m o m s a n d dads say t h a t t o get i t t h e y ' d be w i l l i n g t o g ive u p s l e ep ing la te , a f a v o r i t e h o b b y o r T V show, t h e I n t e r n e t — e v e n coffee.

We c o u l d a l l use m o r e free f a m i l y t i m e . I n d e e d , exper t s suggest t h a t w h i l e q u a l i t y t i m e is great , t h e a m o u n t o f t i m e m a t t e r s , too . " T h e m y t h o f q u a l i t y t i m e assumes y o u r c h i l d is o n t h e same c l o c k as y o u , t h a t w h e n y o u f i n i s h w h a t e v e r else y o u ' r e d o i n g a n d are r eady t o engage w i t h h i m , h e ' l l be r eady t o engage w i t h y o u , w i t h o u t any r e s e n t m e n t , " says R o n a l d L e van t , E d D , p ro f essor o f p s y c h o l o g y at t h e U n i v e r s i t y o f A k r o n a n d pas t p r e s i d e n t o f t h e A m e r i c a n Psycho log i ca l A s s o c i a t i o n . " B u t tha t ' s o f t e n n o t t h e case. I f y o u c a n carve o u t e x t r a , u n s t r u c t u r e d t i m e , y o u l e t h i m k n o w y o u en j oy b e i n g w i t h h i m . P lus, he m a y even use some o f t h a t t i m e t o talk t o y o u . "

A n d y e t w e a l l k n o w t h a t r e a l l i f e c an get r e a l busy. T o h e l p , we ' ve h o m e d i n o n f ive b iggest w o r k i n g - f a m i l y t i m e sappers a n d f o u n d ways t o manage t h e m — t o g a i n m o r e t i m e f o r t h e ones y o u love m o s t .

COORDINATED WITH THE KIDS' TEACHERS Go forward 2 spaces

COMMUTE WAS A BEAR TODAY

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TOOK THE TV SETS OUT OF THE KIDS'

BEDROOMS Go forward 3 space

BRINGING WORK HOME TONIGHT

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72 W 0 R K I N G M 0 T H E R . C O M J U N E / J U L Y 2 0 1 3

DROWNING IN EMAILS Go back 1 space TAUGHT THE KIDS

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NEW DOWNTON ABBEY IS ON Lose a turn

SOCCER TOURNAMENT OVER THANKSGIVING?

NOPE Roll again

1

Is life getting in the way of life with your kids? It doesn't have to be that way. Here's how

to manage the load and seize the moments. BY LAURA FLYNN McCARTHY

TIME SAPPER NO. 1

Technology American kids spend about eight hours a day w i t h media—TV, computers, smart-phones, iPods, video games—about 10 t imes more than they do w i t h the i r parents, according to the nonpro f i t Global Children's Fund. A n d parents are perpetrators, too. " I t ' s unreal ist ic to expect people to unp lug completely, bu t anyone who has spent a day away f r om electronics knows how good i t feels," says pediatr ic ian Gwenn O'Keeffe, MD, author of CyberSafe: Protecting and Empowering Kids in the Digital World ofTexting, Gaming, and Social Media. "The downside of tech is we're not interact ing as m u c h w i t h the real wo r ld . We can't go back to a No rman Rockwel l ian

existence, bu t we can manage the electronics i n our lives to f i nd a balance." How?

Set uninterruptible time. W h e n your kids are young, batht ime and bedt ime may be w h e n you u n p l u g and focus exclusively on them. As they get older, f ami l y meals should be un in t e r rup t i b l e " t ime when kids regroup and famil ies rebond, " says Dr. O'Keeffe. Out to d inner w i t h o lder kids? Play the phone-stacking game: A l l fami ly members stack the i r phones on the table, and anyone who grabs a phone dur ing d inner pays the b i l l ( for parents) or does chores (for kids) .

Adjust your settings. Do you need to be alerted i n the middle o f a conversat ion w i t h your ch i ld that your Cousin Zelda has updated her Facebook page? M i n i m i z e distractions l ike this by si lencing your phone

PompKirf

PUT PHONE IN MY ROOM

DURING DINNEB

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WATCHED GOSSIP GIRL

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DROWNING IN HOMEWORK

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HELPED JUNIOR WITH HIS DIORAMA You both roll again

SOCCER WENT INTO OVERTIME AND I'M

LATE FOR COMMUNITY SERVICE

Lose a turn FINE, I'LL RAKE THE LEAVES

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TAKING A MINUTE TO

I DECOMPRESS, WHEW!

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HAVE TO WORK LATE

AGA;N, DARN m

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NATURE HIKE!

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TOLD MOM AND DAD WHAT HAPPENED'

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d u r i n g f ami l y t imes, unsubscr ib ing f r o m unnecessary emai l l ists and opt ing out of social media noti f ications. Have your kids do the same.

Limit screen time. A whopp ing 90 percent o f parents r epor t tha t the i r toddlers watch some f o rm of electronic media, according to research by the Amer ican Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). By age 3, a lmost one t h i r d o f kids have a TV i n the i r bedroom. A n d studies show tha t under-5s w h o watch TV spend less t i m e i n creative play and in t e rac t ing w i t h f ami l y members. Top t ips f r om the AAP: no TV for kids 2 and younger, and no TVs i n kids ' rooms.

Marry screen time and green time. The average Amer i can k i d bare ly gets seven dai ly minutes outdoors i n uns t ruc tu red play, though studies show that outdoor play relaxes b o t h kids and parents and may enhance children's social interact ions, inte l lect and physical health. I f gadgets are more en t i c ing t h a n greenery, the Na t i ona l W i l d l i f e Federat ion suggests grabbing a smartphone or tablet for some fami ly "geocaching": On a nature h ike or scavenger h u n t , have your kids snap pictures of what they see and t h e n look up in fo about i t . F i n d more fami ly outdoor activit ies at nwf .org/ activity-f inder.aspx.

Let tech bring you closer. " I f my k ids get a good grade, t h e y ' l l t ex t me a p ic ture of i t , " says Dr. O'Keeffe. " I f they have someth ing b ig going on at school, I ' l l text t h em an emot icon to root t h em on. Text ing shouldn ' t replace face-to-face t ime , bu t i t can let your kids k n o w you're t h i n k i n g of t h em whi l e you work . "

TIME SAPPER NO. 2

24/7 Work Hours Take an 8-plus-hour workday, plus an average commute of 25 minutes , t h e n add i n the fact that most of us add

SLEEPOVER, YAY! Lose a turn

another 4 to 10 more hours w o r k i n g at home each week, and you already have one jam-packed day. But th i s i sn ' t about fee l ing gu i l ty ; it 's about get t ing proactive.

Take 10. Once at home, counter workp lace stress by t ak ing a m o m e n t to decompress. "Even 10 minutes to change clothes, meditate, exercise or whatever helps," says Dr. Levant. " T h e n t r a n s i t i o n i n t o some t ime w i t h your kids, and you ' l l be more able to engage ful ly . "

Simplify. Fami l y t ime , especially after a long workday, doesn't have to mean v igorous act iv i t ies . Maybe your ch i ld qu ie t ly does homework i n the k i t chen as you f ix d inner , or y ou ta lk about your day whi le sharing a snack or t ak ing a wa lk—any th ing tha t allows you to be together i n a relaxed, happy way.

Know when to stop. "Th is can be especially hard w h e n you w o r k at home," says Dr. O'Keeffe. "Set up your w o r k space and hours so t h a t y our ch i l d r en know w h e n you're w o r k i n g and when you are not . W h e n you are w i t h t h em , be i n the momen t . "

TIME SAPPER NO. 3

Kids' Activities Does i t seem l ike you spend a l l your free t ime schlepping young doers f r om baseball and bal let to t a i ch i and tu to r ing? Slow down.

Don't overbook. "The kids who do best aren't overscheduled," says Dr. O'Keeffe. "You don ' t need to stockpi le t h em w i t h extra stuff. Sometimes they need less of that and more fami ly t ime . " A good ru le : one or two af terschool act iv it ies per week per ch i ld .

Just say no. Your child's soccer league has scheduled an away tournament on Thanksg iv ing weekend. Play rehearsals are seeping i n t o school vacat ion. New ru le : Set t imes o f the

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BIG PROJECT, WON'T BE HOME FOR

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HOW ABOUT WE ALL

GO TO THE PARK?

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LET'S HAVE A SCAVENGER HUNT

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SPENT AN HOUR "LIKING" FRIENDS'

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year—holidays and vacations, perhaps—that are nonnegotiable family t ime. "Assess situation by s i tuat ion, real iz ing that even i f your kids become professional athletes, musicians or actors, one Thanksgiv ing won ' t make or break them, " suggests Dr. O'Keeffe. " B u t the i r sense o f self and fami ly re lat ionships may be made or broken by those together t imes. A n d once they're gone, they 're gone."

TIME SAPPER NO. 4

Housekeeping It 's the wo rk ing -mom p l i gh t—arr i v ing home only to be greeted by hung ry of fspr ing, unwashed laundry, unopened ma i l and a messy house. So much for fun fami ly t ime. What to do?

CAN'T TEAR MYSELF AWAY FROM TUMBLR

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ACED THE TEST, TEXTED MY FOLKS

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Hand over the sponge. W h e n kids p i t ch i n w i t h housework, they feel they're con t r i bu t ing to the family. And wo rk ing side by side might open them up to ta lk to you. "Boys and men especially f ind i t more comfortable to converse side by side rather than face to face," says Dr. Levant. " D u r i n g an ac t i v i t y l ike r ak ing leaves or washing dishes you can have great talks."

Shake it up. I f your f ami l y needs a meal makeover, let the kids download recipe apps and choose new ones. Then prepare them together. "That shows kids that out of necessity you develop skil ls, pu l l together as a fami ly and have fun , " explains Dr. O'Keeffe. D i t t o laundry, garbage removal , d ishwashing and other chores. A n d keep your tone posi t ive . I f you say, "Do your own l aundry now," they ' l l r u n for the h i l l s , b u t i f you say, " I t h i n k you're o ld enough to do your own laundry. Want to learn?" they ' l l feel good that you're t rus t ing them.

Accept a few dust bunnies. Your kids probably won ' t clean everything to your specs r ight away. I t takes t imes to l ea rn the best ways to do things. I f the dishes make i t to the sink, be happy w i t h that for a whi le .

LOGGING ON TO MY

LAPTOP ONE MORE TIME

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MADE POPCORN FOR ALL OF US

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C'MON KIDS, LET'S SET

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TIME SAPPER NO. 5

Homework Overload Are your nights and weekends c rammed w i t h school assignments? Here are a few t ips to l i gh ten the load.

Talk to the teacher. Research suggests 10 minutes per grade per n ight is o p t i m u m for he lp ing kids achieve academic success. So f i rst graders do 10 minutes , t h i r d graders 30 minutes and so on. "After that you reach a p o in t o f d i m i n i s h i n g r e turns , " says Har r i s Cooper, PhD, cha i r o f the Depar tment o f Psychology and Neuroscience at Duke Univers i ty . I f y ou r f o u r t h grader works at home for hours and hours, check i n w i t h

her teacher about lessening the load or he lp ing her manage her t ime better.

CAN I WATCH JUST ONE

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Let siblings help. " W h e n m y daughter was s tudy ing pre-calc, her

older bro ther assisted," says Dr. Cooper. "Later , w h e n she wro t e an essay about something impor tant i n her life, she discussed how, when her b ig bro ther went to college, he wasn ' t there to he lp her w i t h m a t h anymore. H o m e w o r k can strengthen bonds between siblings."

Plan ahead. Log o n to the school's website or ta lk to y our child's teacher and note w h i c h weeks ( f inals, m id t e rms ) might demand extra homework ; p lan fami ly get-togethers around these t imes.

More family t ime doesn't have to mean scheduling expensive vacations or complicated get-togethers. The most memorable moments of ten occur i n day-to-day doings: The b ig laugh you al l have over a joke no one but your fami l y w o u l d understand. The surprise you get f r om your child's ins ight ful comment. The satisfaction you feel when you help your k i d w o r k through a problem. These moments add up to a stronger family, closer relat ionships and greater parent-chi ld t rust . A n d you don ' t even have to give up coffee! •

W 0 R K I N G M O T H E R . C O M J U N E / J U L Y 2 0 1 3 Our staff moms share family-time tips.