Qantas Pilot Jokes and Funny Engineer Reports.pdf

27/01/12 06:20Qantas Pilot Jokes and Funny Engineer Reports

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Qantas Pilot Jokes and Funny Engineer Reports

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Qantas Joke sent in by Nigel Morris

Apparently, after every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet',which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct theproblems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheetsbefore the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actualmaintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded bymaintenance engineers.

Pilots: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit. Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield. Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.



Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield. Engineers: Suspect you're right.

More Exchanges Between Qantas Pilots and Their Engineers

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing. Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny. Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit. Engineers: Cat installed.

And perhaps, the best Qantas joke...

Qantas Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midgetpounding on something with a hammer. Engineers: Took hammer away from midget

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Qantas Joke? Letter

The following letter was written by a retired Qantas pilot to his former colleagues:

Dear All,

Please find enclosed a home study simulator course [HSSC] for those of you who stillhunger for the romance and adventure of airline travel.

If you follow all the steps in this HSSC you will experience that 'Romance and Ad-venture.'

1] Do not go to bed



2] Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, preferably in a cupboard, for 9 or 10 hoursfacing a 4 foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck

3] Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearingdistance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appro-priate restart checklist

4] Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight toshine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying eastbound intothe sunrise

5] Have bland overcooked food served on a tray halfway through the night

6] Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time, and ask your spouse to slamthe door frequently

7] At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside thebathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, teas-ing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.

8] Leave the cupboard after the prescribed nine or ten hours and turn on your sprin-klers in the garden and stand out in the cold and "rain", for twenty minutes, simulat-ing the wait for the crew car

9] Head for your bedroom, wet through and with your suitcase and flight bag. Standoutside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maidmakes up the hotel room

10] When your spouse inquires, 'Just what in the hell have you been doing?' just say,'Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places.' as you collapse into bed

11] If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, so do thistwo nights in a row. Above all 'Enjoy Yourselves.'

Regards.......................Jim Retired.

Urban Myth - Qantas pilots have never had an accident

For years Will and Guy have perpetuated the urban myth that Qantas are the onlymajor airline that have never had a serious accident. Then Ken Sanford kindly wrote



in putting the record straight. Given the number of accidents the myth would seemto be a master stroke by the Qantas publicity department.

I don't know where it came from that 'Qantas has never had a fatal accident', but it isnot true--it is an urban legend. Qantas has had a number of crashes in its history,some of which resulted in fatalities. The following is a list of Qantas accidents:

25 Feb 1923 - Jericho, Australia - Armstrong W.FK8 - G-AUCF - no fatalities13 Sep 1923 - Blackhall, Australia - Armstrong W. FK.8 - G-AUDE - no fatalities24 Mar 1927 - Tambo, Australia - De Havilland DH.9 - G-AUED - 3 fatalities 5 Feb 1928 - Camooweal, Australia - De Havilland DH.9 - G-AUFM - no fatalities15 Nov 1934 - Longreach, Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USG - 4 fatalities20 Feb 1942 - Belmont, Australia - de Havilland DH-86 VH-USE - 9 fatalities see:http://home.st.net.au/~dunn/ozcrashes/qld115.htm for details22 Apr 1943 - Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Short S-23 (flying boat) - VH-ADU13 fatalities26 Nov 1943 - Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea - Lockheed 18 Lodestar VH-CAB 15fatalities11 Oct 1944 - Sydney, Australia - Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ABB - 1 fatality18 Nov 1944 - Sydney, Australia - Short S-23 (flying boat) VH-ACD - no fatalities23 Mar 1946 - Between Colombo, Ceylon and Cocos Island - Lancastrian - G-AGLX(was being operated by Qantas) - 10 fatalities22 Jan 1947 - Schofields, Australia - Lockheed 14 Electra - VH-ADT - no fatalities11 Feb 1948 - Condamine, Australia - Lockheed 10 Electra - VH-AEC - no fatalities 7 Apr 1949 - Dubbo, Australia - Avro Lancaster - VH-EAS - no fatalities11 May 1949 - Kerowagi, Papua New Guinea - Avro Anson - VH-BBZ - no fatalities16 Jul 1951 - Lae, Papua New Guinea - de Havilland Drover 2 - VH-EBQ - 7 fatalities13 Dec 1951 - Yaramunda, Papua New Guinea - De Havilland DH.84 - VH-URV - 3fatalities24 Aug 1960 - Port Louis, Mauritius - Lockheed Constellation 1049C - VH-EAC - nofatalities see: http://casa.gov.au/fsa/2000/jan/page49.pdf23 September 1999, Qantas Flight 1, a Boeing 747-400 (VH-OJH), overran the runwaywhile landing at Bangkok, Thailand, during a heavy thunderstorm. The aircraft end-ed up on a golf course.

Ken Sanford613 Championship Drive



Oxford, CT - USA 06478-3128Telephone & fax 1 203 888 9237Website: http://wreckandcrash.org

FootnoteIf like Jim you have a good Qantas Pilot joke, then contact Will and Guy (Email ad-dress at the bottom)

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