PUNTASTIC

SLIDEAS!SLIDEAS!

Bu – bum:you have to

groan…

(with apologies, mainly, to Tommy

Cooper)

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other:

“Can you smell fish?”

Two fish in a tank, and one says to the other:

“Can you drive this thing?”

Two cannibals eating a comedian. One says to the other:

“Does this taste funny to you?”

Two aerials met on a roof and got married.

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was fantastic.

Went window shopping today.

Bought four windows.

I backed a rubbish horse today.

I backed it at 20 to 1.

It came in at twenty past four.

“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in many places. What should I do?”

“Don’t go to those places again”

A huge hole has opened up on the outside lane of the M6.

Police are looking into it.

Someone complimented me on my driving today – they left a note on my windscreen saying ‘parking fine’….

Police arrested two kids the other day. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

I was in my car and my boss phoned me. “You’ve been promoted”, he said – and I swerved. He rang a second time and said “you’ve been promoted again” – and I swerved again. He phoned a third time and said “you’ve been appointed to the Board” – and I ran into a tree. A policeman arrived and said “what happened to you?”. And I said “I careered off the road”

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”

“Well, you can’t say fairer than that, then.”

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today, but I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It’s costing me 5p a month for 2 years….

I was reading a book today – The History of Glue.

I couldn’t put it down.

I asked a plastic surgeon if she’d done anything exciting recently.

She said “no, but I’ve raised a few eyebrows”

I went to the butchers the other day and bet him he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said, “you’re right: the steaks are too high….”

I went into the bank the other day and asked the cashier to check my balance.

She pushed me over….

Two eskimos were in a kayak, and felt cold – so they lit a fire. And the kayak sank. Which goes to prove:

You can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

An ice cream seller was found dead in his van, covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police believe he topped himself.

A van of full of liquorice was hijacked yesterday.

Police believe the gang are on the run….

“Doctor, I think I’m turning into a pair of curtains”

“Pull yourself together!”

A taxi driver gave up his job because he was fed up with people talking behind his back….

My mate said: “what do you think of voluntary work? I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

I phoned the ramblers society today – this bloke just went on and on…

I bought a pair of camouflage trousers last week –

- can’t find them anywhere

“Pike, I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today..”

“Thank you, sir!”

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and very thin piece of paper.

He said, “I want you to trace someone for me..”

So this cowboy walks into a German car showroom, and says “owdy”…

(think about it)

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo, and he was playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal”

…or Abbariginal…?

I went to the RSPCA office today. It was really small – you couldn’t swing a cat in it…

I can always count on my wife….

She always wears beads.

I went to the video rental shop and asked if I could take out ‘Batman Forever’

He said “no, you’ll have to bring it back tomorrow.”

Two peanuts walked into a bar, not looking for any trouble.

Unfortunately, one was assaulted….

A jump lead walked into a bar…

The barman said, “OK I’ll serve you – but don’t start anything…”

A sandwich walked into a bar…

The barman said, “sorry, but we don’t serve food in here…”

A man walked into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm, and said to the barman…

“A pint please, and one for the road…”

A man walked into a bar -

….I bet that hurt

Two men walked into a bar….

You’d have thought the second man would have noticed….

A skeleton walks into a bar.

“What’ll you have?”, says the barman.

“A beer and a mop”

You see this watch? It’s anti-magnetic, dust-proof, shock-proof and water-proof.

The first time I wore it, it caught fire…

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said “Analogue?” I said, “No, just a watch.”

I went into a shop, and said, “can someone sell me a kettle?”. The bloke said “Kenwood” so I said “where is he?”

A chicken crossed the road – unfortunately it was knocked down by a car. At first the driver thought he had killed it – but in fact it had gone into a korma…

It was freezing outside today, but I didn’t care….

..I just gritted my teeth..

So I asked my gym instructor to teach me to do the splits.

He said, “how flexible are you?”

and I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”

She said, “you remind me of a pepper-pot”, so I said

“I’ll take that as a condiment”

The thing I really enjoy is packing myself into a small suitcase…

..I can hardly contain myself

Doctor, one day I think I’m a tepee, the next day I think I’m a wigwam…

..the trouble is – you’re too tense…

A woman had twins, and had them adopted. One lived in Egypt, and was called Amal; the other ended up in Spain, and was called Juan. Eventually they were reunited with their mother – but she was disappointed that they looked so similar. She said: “once you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal”

So I said, “Do you want a game of darts?” He said “OK, then.” So I said, “Nearest to bull starts”

“Baa”, he said. I said “Moo”. He said “You’re closest”.

A man goes to the doctors complaining he is a moth.

The doctor says “you need psychiatry, which is next door”

“I know”, said the man – “but your light was on”

Two goats are behind a movie studio eating old movie film. One says to the other: “good, eh?”

“Yeah”, says the other goat, “but it’s not as good as the book”

Two lions walking down Oxford Street. One turns to the other and says:

“Not many people about, are there?”