THE LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

King James Version

(This psalm has special significance to Ewe Jin who would recite it silently while going through treatment. And he usually wears the same Psalm 23 T-shirt at the hospital. This picture was taken during a jungle trek to the Lepok waterfalls in June 2012.)

Psalm 23

Face to FaceFace to FaceFace to FaceFace to FaceFace to Facewith Cancerwith Cancerwith Cancerwith Cancerwith Cancer

Three Journeys… God Always PresentThree Journeys… God Always PresentThree Journeys… God Always PresentThree Journeys… God Always PresentThree Journeys… God Always Present

By Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline LimBy Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline LimBy Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline LimBy Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline LimBy Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline Lim

202020202012 Edition12 Edition12 Edition12 Edition12 EditionRevised and updatedRevised and updatedRevised and updatedRevised and updatedRevised and updated

Complimentary:Not for sale. Pass it on.

First edition 2002Second edition 2004Third edition (Chinese) 2006Fourth edition 2006Fifth edition 2009This edition 2012© Soo Ewe Jin & Angeline LimPrinted by TanKoh Printers5&7 Jalan Industri PBP 11Taman IndustriPusat Bandar Puchong47100 PuchongSelangorMalaysia

All parts of this publication may be freely reproduced,on condition that it is used to encourage cancerpatients or caregivers, and not for commercial gain.Please notify the writers if you use any of the material.The e-book version of Face to Face with Cancer,including the earlier editions, can be downloaded fromthis blog: sooewejin.blogspot.com.

To God,our Healer,

Rockand Salvation

PrefaceThis little book has gone through five editions,with a total of 12,000 copies printed. The firstfour editions, including the Chinese edition, fo-cused on my first journey with cancer back inApril 1999.

The fifth edition came about because I under-went a second journey with cancer in 2006/2007.It contained new material as well as selectedmaterial from the first book.

When the books ran out, I was contemplatingreprinting the fifth edition, but I never got roundto doing the reprint because in March 2011, I hadto battle cancer again.

Every journey for every patient is different.When my wife and I first decided to share ourjourney – me as a patient, and she as a caregiver– our purpose was to encourage patients andcaregivers.

We shared our thoughts, our fears, our joys,and a whole multitude of emotions in a way thatwe felt would be useful to anyone going throughthe journey. Most importantly, we shared abouthow our faith kept us strong.

Our book did not offer advice on the besttreatment or the best doctor. But it had plenty toshare about family, friends, the diversity of thecountry, and a truly Wonderful and Loving God.

And we were simply amazed at how far andwide the book went.

There were 12,000 physical copies distributedin total, but in terms of readership, the numbers

v

were definitely more as we learnt about how thebook was passed on from one person to the next.

For this third journey, I had shared much onsocial media, through email, FaceBook and myblog. It was practically a moment-by-moment,blow-by-blow account, broadcast to family andfriends online, from near and far.

But for the book, we have reflected on whatwe shared earlier and brought it down to a levelthat we believe will be more readable in bookform.

This 6th and latest edition includes ourthoughts from the third journey, and also selectedarticles from the earlier editions. The earlier ma-terial are left in their original state, without anyeditorial updates, as we want to preserve the con-text in which they were written.

May you be encouraged by this little book. Wethank those who have generously contributed toits publication so that we can continue to distrib-ute it freely, for free. Our hope is that you do nothold on to a copy if there is someone you knowwho has need for it. Do pass it on.

Ewe Jin & AngelineSeptember 2012

> For the complete earlier editions in pdf for-mat, including the Chinese edition, please visitsooewejin.blogspot.com

About the authorsSoo Ewe Jin and Angeline Lim have been jour-nalists for most of their working lives.

They have, however, taken breaks from theircareers to be full-time homemakers.

Ewe Jin’s career in The Star from 2000 untilnow has seen him serve in various positions: asStar Online Editor, Sunday Star Editor, SpecialProjects Editor and his current designation asDeputy Executive Editor.

He writes a regular column in The Star calledSunday Starters, previously Monday Starters.

He has also worked in The National Echo, TheMalay Mail, ISIS Malaysia, WWF Malaysia andThe Edge. He considers his years at home as full-time househusband to be the most wonderfulmilestones in his career.

Angeline worked as a journalist in MalaysianBusiness and The Edge before joining The Star. Sheleft The Star in 2001 to be a full-time homemakerand serves on a voluntary basis at Emmanuel CareCentre, a school for children with learning dis-abilities, run by their church.

The Soos have two sons, Kevin and Timothy.They can be contacted via email at:

ewejin@gmail.comangeline.lim06@gmail.com

vii

Our HeartfeltThanks

A journey of this nature cannot beundertaken without much support and love.

Over our three journeys, the people whofaithfully walked with us have swelled in

numbers and are too numerous to list here.We would like to express our gratitude to allof you who have taken a moment (or manymoments) to say a prayer, lend a shoulder,

share a treat, lighten our load and showyour love for us in countless ways. Youknow who you are. Thank you from the

bottom of our hearts.

Above all, we want to express our thanks toour perfectly faithful God whose love surpassesknowledge and who is able to do immeasurably

more than all we ask or imagine(Ephesians 3:19-20).

About the coverThe first four editions did not have any pictureson the cover while the fifth edition showed onlythe back view of Ewe Jin, in all his bald glory.

For this latest edition, we decided to “reveal”Ewe Jin upfront. This picture was taken soon af-ter he went bald, in the initial stages of chemo-therapy, and is a fair reflection of the happy, posi-tive personality that he is, even when goingthrough trials and tribulations. The joy of theLord, says Ewe Jin, is my strength!

Our thanks to Sharon Khoh for her creativepiece of work. And also to Kalai for designingthe picture pages and making the final adjustmentson this version.

From ourjournals:

The third battleIt began in March 2011

One year on…

Today is Sunday, September 9, 2012. Earlythis morning, I led the 8.30 service in mychurch, the Emmanuel Methodist Church.

It seems like a divine appointment for me. Fortoday marks exactly a year since I completed mytreatment for cancer.

The 8.30 service, by tradition, has a smallercongregation, but I felt the immense love of thepeople gathered.

I pointed out the flowers in the church, whichhave been offered in thanksgiving by my wife andI. I flashed an image on the screen of me “finish-ing the race” last Sept 9, and then gave the peoplea glimpse of the cover of this book you are read-ing.

It has been only a year, but it seems like somuch has passed through my life in this time.

I remember March 20 2011 down to its lastdetail. On that Sunday, as I prepared to start mytreatment the next day, I bravely preached fromthe pulpit on the message of Hope. This was apre-assigned speaking engagement and I hadasked my oncologist, after the diagnosis in earlyMarch, if I could delay my treatment slightly so Icould speak in church.

That day, few church members knew aboutmy condition, but it felt like the whole worldknew after I finished speaking both at 8.30 andthen at the 10.30 service.

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I was emotional at times but managed to sharethe message of Hope as best as I could. Thechurch prayed for me, and two other membersgoing through similar journeys. Everyone cameforward. There were plenty of hugs and I havenever seen so many grown men cry.

But those were not tears of despair. Ratherthey were tears of hope and expectations. Al-though I am known for my generally positive at-titude, I knew that it was not my strength thatmattered.

God will take care of me, and He will sendHis earthly angels to help, like He did in my twoprevious journeys.

I had shared my journey on Facebook and myblog, and even through my regular column in TheStar, which helped me to track back my journeyas I prepared this book.

The next two articles in this book give a fairlycomprehensive picture of what we went throughbut I thought I would use this first piece to re-flect on the uniqueness of this third journey.

In terms of treatment, this was probably themost difficult because not only did I have to gothrough chemotherapy, but this was then followedby radiotherapy. My body took a beating, cer-tainly.

In terms of support, I am simply amazed athow so many people responded. Those who werephysically nearby prepared meals while those whowere further away regularly sent their wishes –

with gifts and flowers – to remind me that I wasnot alone.

And because of the Internet, I was upheld inprayer from all parts of the world. My dear friendin Vermont, Mark Tarnacki, did a most wonder-ful thing by sending jigsaw puzzles halfway roundthe world to keep me occupied at home.

And because I also wrote a regular column inThe Star called Monday Starters (now called Sun-day Starters because it shifted), when I hintedabout the journey without going into details, Istarted getting email from readers who wished mewell, and prayed along with me.

On the day I started treatment on March 21,my column included this portion:

“I am about to embark on a journeywhich I have been through before. Rightnow, I do not see clear signs and directions,but I know I can always take that first stepin faith.

In life, when faced with an unexpecteddetour, we often ask: “Why me?” Some-times, it might be good to ask: “Why notme?”

For, although, we know not what the fu-ture holds, those of us with prior experi-ence, who have been scarred from previ-ous battles, can rest assured that we arenow a bit more equipped for whatever lifethrows at us.

We cannot be arrogant about our abil-

5

ity, but if we walk humbly and know thatGod is in charge, the journey might not betoo unpleasant after all.

Those of you who have followed thiscolumn may understand that I have triedto give a healthy dose of positive vibes tohelp you start the week, to inject a bit ofheart into the corporate soul, to see theextraordinary in the ordinary, and to giveyou a chuckle now and then.

Hopefully, I will continue to do so inthe weeks to come, even as I take a leaveof absence from the workplace to deal withthis personal journey.”Although I was away from work, I faithfully

continued my column. The writing was therapeu-tic, and I hardly wrote about the journey itselfbut continued to reflect on all aspects of life thatis the hallmark of my column.

This journey was also different because myeldest son, Kevin, was away in London pursuinghis masters at the University College London ona Commonwealth scholarship.

Thanks to Skype, we were able to keep intouch, and he could keep track of my progress.

My beloved family members in Penang alsodid their part by making short trips and to panderto my demands for special food with their specialtouch.

Everytime I was in the hospital, there werealways visitors. So I had my camera ready to keep

a pictorial record. And because the hospital nowhad WiFi, I was also able to give a blow-by-blowaccount in real time.

Such is the wonder of modern-day technol-ogy.

On June 7, my wife and I celebrated our 25th

wedding anniversary, but it had to be a low-keyone because I was right smack in the middle oftreatment.

I must also say that I had the most number ofco-sojourners with me this time. It was an oppor-tunity for us to encourage one another although Iwas very6 much saddened when some passedaway.

Like in the first two journeys, I do not knowwhy I have to go through this. But I know thatthese trials and tribulations are for a purpose, Hispurpose, and I can only obediently move along.

The subtitle of this book reads “Three Jour-neys, God Always Present”. Indeed, He was, andHe is. God is very real to me and my family andwe cling on to His promise that He will neverleave us, nor forsake us. In Him, we will alwayshave the peace that passes all understanding.

Today is Sept 9 2012 and my Sunday Startersappears in The Sunday Star. It has this end note,“Deputy executive editor Soo Ewe Jin celebrates today,Sept 9, as it marks a full year since his medical treat-ment was completed. He wonders if a cure for cancer willbe found in his lifetime.”

We can all hope. And we must all hope. This

7

book is just our little contribution to encourageall who go through this journey, either as patients,as caregivers, or as family and friends.

I thank you for holding it in your hand. Read,cry if you must (as many tell us they did so afterreading our stories), and pass it on. We publishthis book for it to be a blessing to others, but weknow that we are much blessed in the process.

Flowers offered in thanksgiving to God at our church on Sept 9 2012to celebrate one year after treatment was completed.

As part of my sharing on Facebook, and through email, I woulddesign cards to mark special milestones in the journey. This one wassent out on Sept 9 2011 after my final round of radiotherapy.

A third journey – A caregiver’sperspectiveBy Angeline Lim

On March 7, 2011, we received Ewe Jin’sbiopsy result for a lump in the nose, detected during a routine ENT check –

malignant! We braced ourselves for another longhaul, Ewe Jin’s third cancer journey. The first wasin 1999 for a lump in the same spot in the nose,the second in 2006 for a lump in lymph nodes inthe neck.

On March 8, scans revealed a more compli-cated diagnosis. Besides the nose lump, there wasalso a mass of “uncertain nature” in his subman-dibular region, deep in the jaw. The oncologistDr Lum Wan Heng arranged for Ewe Jin to con-sult with Dr Roslan Abdul Rahman, a very gentledental specialist and oral surgeon.

After considering the case, Dr Roslan advisedfor treatment for the nose to proceed first. Thelump buried deep in the jaw was hard to reach,and it was impossible to determine its nature with-out a risky surgery to access the tissue for biopsy.Dr Awal Hassan, the ENT doctor who has jour-neyed with us since 1999, concurred.

So, still with questions playing in our headson whether that mass was cancerous or not, weproceeded to discussed options with Dr Lum fortreating the nose lump first. He recommended six

9

sessions of chemotherapy with Docetaxel andEloxantin, and with the inclusion of a ratheramazing new targeted drug for head and necktumours, Erbitux.

The date was fixed for the first chemo, March21. Meanwhile, our prayer alert went out to fam-ily and friends to pray for God to take charge, fortreatment to go smoothly and especially for thelump of “uncertain nature” to be dealt with some-how. The assurance came to me from scripture:“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mindis steadfast, because he trusts in you” (Isaiah26:3). God’s peace washed over me. We wereassured that He was in absolute control.

To me, the fifth cycle was the most significantin this third journey. After more than two monthsof chemotherapy, Ewe Jin’s stamina was flaggingat that point. Just at the time that we needed en-couragement, the doctor ordered a CT scan onJune 8. The results showed that the tumour inthe nose had shrunk by 70 per cent. Besides that,it showed that the lump in the jaw has not changedin size despite four rounds of chemo. The doctorwas thus able to conclude that the mass in thejaw is not malignant, since it did not respond tothe chemo drugs. It was confirmed that the can-cer was confined to the nose and – for a thirdtime – there was no spread at all!

Scripture says, “LORD, you are my God; I willexalt you and praise your name, for in perfectfaithfulness you have done wonderful things,

things planned long ago” (Isaiah 25:1). Perfec-tion is hard to imagine. We are more accustomedto an imperfect world, where broken promises andshattered dreams are common place. But on thatday, I caught a glimpse of God’s perfect faithful-ness. And it became clear to me that perfect peacecomes only from a perfectly faithful God. We sim-ply need to trust Him.

Below is a log of email updates on the che-motherapy that were sent out to family and friendswho journeyed with us.

Cycle 1 – March 21Ewe Jin and I would like to express our heartfeltthanks to all who are on their knees praying forus during this journey, as well as all the “Mealson Wheels” ladies who so willingly volunteeredto provide us with delicious meals weekly.

We would like to let everyone know that thefirst chemo session on Monday went well, andthis is surely in answer to all your prayers. Thechemo drip took a long time – we were there for8 hours from 9am to past 5pm, because 3 differ-ent drugs were administered – but everything wentsmoothly. There were no side effects. When wegot home, Ewe Jin had a hearty meal (from sisterViolet’s kitchen) and after that he rested well. Inthe following days, Ewe Jin has been his usualcheerful self, has a good appetite, and only occa-sionally needs to lie down to rest.

We have been told that rashes and acne may

11

appear in the next two weeks, and his hair willdrop in about that time also. We are prepared forthese side effects, and we are also monitoring forfever as his lowered immunity requires us to bemore watchful. How gracious our Heavenly Fa-ther is! He sustains us and surrounds us with Histender care. His grace is sufficient for every needof ours. We are deeply comforted by your prayers.Thank you for journeying with us.

Cycle 2 – April 11Thank you to all who continue to pray for EweJin and others who are unwell. This second roundof chemo has been more challenging. Ewe Jin ismore fatigued. Besides that, ulcers have brokenout in his mouth and on the tongue, which hasmade it harder for him to eat. Thankfully, thereare no ulcers in the throat so swallowing is notpainful. Prayer points for him would be: for the side effects to subside, and especially

for the ulcers to clear up. for refreshment and rest in the Lord, and for

restoration of energy. for peace in his spirit. for him to be prepared in body and spirit for

the next chemo on May 3.For myself, this cycle was full of sadness as

on April 13, my eldest sister Lucy went home tothe Lord after a three-year battle with cancer. Herwake and funeral services were truly heart-warm-ing. Lucy and her husband Pastor Alvin Tan had

co-founded Sunbeams Home, and for her home-going services, more than a hundred Sunbeamschildren were present to pay their tribute. I wasgreatly comforted that she had made a differencein so many lives, and that she will receive herreward from God.

Cycle 3 – May 3This third round of chemo, Ewe Jin is still in goodspirits, but feeling more fatigued. The “heaty”drugs are again causing ulcers in the mouth, al-though it is less extensive than in the last cycle.The current spell of extremely hot weather hasnot helped, and Ewe Jin’s body has broken out inpatches of red rashes which are itchy and uncom-fortable. Still, having completed 3 cycles, he hasnow passed the half-way mark and that is a psy-chological milestone!

We have been receiving gifts of fruits, fish,cooling drinks, eggs, soups, desserts, many deli-cious meals and lots more – we are overwhelmedby the outpouring of love from our wonderfulfamily and friends, and are deeply grateful. Be-low are some prayer points for Ewe Jin: for minimal side effects from the chemo drugs,

and relief from ulcers and rashes. for the drugs to be effective in shrinking the

tumours, and for protection of healthy cells. for comfort and deep rest in the Lord. for cheerfulness to be sustained. for the 4th chemo on May 23 to go smoothly.

13

Cycle 4 – May 23Cycle 4 went smoothly, due in large part to thefact that the doctor reduced the drugs from 3 to2 after looking at a nasty “crater” on Ewe Jin’stongue, the remains of an ulcer that stubbornlyrefused to heal.

So it was only Erbitux and Eloxantin this time;Docetaxel was omitted, and the chemo drip wasshortened. By 4pm we were happily packing upto go home. The easier regimen meant that EweJin was more energetic and upbeat this round, andhad an excellent appetite.

It gave us the chance to celebrate our SilverWedding Anniversary on June 7, on a smaller scalethan planned, but it was nonetheless a meaning-ful and joyous celebration with family.

Cycle 5 – June 13On June 8, Ewe Jin had undergone a scan to as-sess the progress of treatment. When we arrivedfor cycle five of chemo on June 13, Dr Lum toldus the results were excellent – a marvellous ex-perience for us of God’s faithfulness!

The scans showed that the tumour in the nosehad shrunk by 70% – a very good interim result.Besides that, the lump in the jaw did not shrink,meaning that it is not malignant! The mass willhave to be investigated by an ENT or oral sur-geon later on. After the 6th cycle of chemo, theonco intends to do an MRI scan to plan for radio-therapy. The full treatment is 70 grays of radia-

tion – usually given in 35 sessions (7 weeks) ofradiation. The option of augmenting the RT withbrachytherapy may be considered.

The day before Cycle 5, a good friend, VK,passed away. Ewe Jin was very much saddened.He wrote the obituary for the newspapers andwe went to pay our last respects. The chemo thenext day went smoothly, once again only Erbituxand Eloxantin was administered and Docetaxelwas omitted. However, Ewe Jin was much morefatigued this time, probably because of the ac-tivity on the day before, and was in bed by 9pm.Thankfully he still had a good appetite and ate afull meal that evening.

Cycle 6 – July 4Ewe Jin’s 6th and last chemo on July 4 wentsmoothly. We were at the hospital for a full day,though, because on the same day, he did a CTscan and an MRI, which are necessary to plan forhis radiotherapy. RT will probably begin in thelast week of July and last 7 weeks.

It will be done daily for 5 days in a stretch,with 2 days’ rest on weekends. The oncologisthas not briefed us yet on how many sessions therewill be altogether, but it is likely to take us to thebeginning of September. Here are some prayerpoints: First, a thanksgiving that God answered our

prayers! From the 4th chemo onwards, Ewe Jinhas had NO side effects apart from fatigue!

15

for the upcoming RT, pray that the doctor willdo the planning well and that there will beminimal collateral damage to tissue in the headand neck area.

specifically, pray that: the optic nerve will be preserved, so there will

be no damage to his eyesight. his throat will not be sore, and he will be able

to eat and drink throughout RT treatment.most of the salivary glands and taste buds will

be spared, and Ewe Jin will not lose his senseof taste.We were rather weary in body and spirit last

week. Chemo was quite a marathon, and youknow how it is sometimes when you don’t feelthe tiredness till the run is over. But the Lord isgood and we are refreshed. With the marathonover, Ewe Jin is preparing for a “middle distancesprint” – radiotherapy.

RT begins – July 26On July 26, the first day of RT, Dr Lum explainedthat he would augment the radiotherapy with aweekly dose of Cisplatin via chemotherapy, tosensitise the tumour and render the RT more ef-fective. It was tough going for Ewe Jin, especiallyon the days the chemo was administered. But hesoldiered on.

It helped immensely that radiotherapy tech-nology had improved by leaps and bounds sincehe last underwent it in 1999. Back then the ma-

chines were 2-D, meaning that the rays were di-rected only in two planes, vertically and horizon-tally, hence there was considerable collateral dam-age to surrounding tissue.

This time round, the machines are 3-D, andthe technicians showed us how the rays wouldbe broken up into more than 10 different dosesas the machine swung 360 degrees around EweJin’s head. This way, the rays were sharply focusedon target tissue and much of the surrounding ar-eas were spared.

There was no way, however, that they couldavoid zapping Ewe Jin’s throat. Once more hehad to deal with difficulty swallowing solids andwas on a fully liquid diet. He shed all the weighthe gained during chemotherapy, and then some.Still, compared with 11 years ago, he had muchmore energy and was upbeat to the last session.

The highlight of our daily trips to the RT Suite(except for weekends) was the interactions wehad with many fellow patients as well as the won-derful, cheerful staff there. The comradeship andexchange of stories and anecdotes kept us allgoing.

This was Ewe Jin’s email to a dear friend mid-way through RT:

“The side effects include ulcers, raw woundsin the mouth area that basically impede eating,drinking and talking (the three loves of my life!).So I have been rather quiet (vocally) and lost afair amount of weight as I am unable to take solid

17

food. I take nutritional drinks like Ensure to keepthe body going and generally also a lot of liquidsto prevent dehydration.

The most frustrating is, of course, the loss oftaste, when even the best branded ice cream tasteslike cardboard. Like in 1999, I pray that this willbe a temporary loss. The daily blasting of thesame region with the RT rays has also resulted inmany torn capillaries so I bleed from the noseand phlegm in the throat is often tinged withblood.

It all sounds pretty tough but when I look at itin comparison with what I went through that manyyears ago, I must say that the treatment is easieron my body and the side effects are alsominimised. Back in 1999, I was so worn out atone stage, I had to be hospitalised and put on thedrip. I guess life is about perspective and how wechoose to view things. I am so surrounded by loveand the battle is already won.”

All done, all clearSept 9, 2011 was a day of celebration as Ewe Jincompleted his final RT session; he did 33 roundsin all. Throughout this third journey, we were as-sured of God’s presence with us – “for the Lordwill go before you, the God of Israel will be yourrear guard” (Isaiah 52:12).

Ewe Jin did lose some sense of taste, and eat-ing was a challenge immediately after treatment.But his tastebuds are gradually being restored and

it is a delight to see him savour his food now. OnApril 23, 2012, Ewe Jin underwent a completePET-CT scan and the results were excellent – allclear! What an amazing God who heals!

Angeline loves to paint and this special thank you work of art isnow prominently displayed at the hospital oncology ward.

The famousRT mask thatis a talkingpoint amongfriends.

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Three journeys with cancerBy Soo Ewe Jin

“And the God of all grace, who called you to hiseternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a littlewhile, will himself restore you and make you strong,

firm and steadfast.” (1 Peter 5:10)

I received this comforting verse from my dearfriend, Peter Young, soon after I sent out thenews on March 7, 2011 that the biopsy result

from a routine examination of my nose area hadturned out positive. The tumour was at the verysame spot when my first journey with cancer be-gan back in April 1999.

There were other tests to be carried out be-fore the doctors decided that I should undergochemotherapy first, six rounds over three-weeklycycles. My oncologist did not sound alarm bellsthat I had to be treated immediately so I requestedthat it only begin on March 21. I had my reasons.

I was to speak in church on March 20 and Ididn’t want to give it up. I had started preparingfor the sermon and as I worked on it, I knew Godwas speaking to me. I had a mission to share tothe congregation, and in the process, God wouldremind me of His abiding presence.

On that Sunday, some members of the churchalready knew that I had cancer, but many did not.I planned to share the news towards the end, butPastor Andrew pre-empted that by asking the

church to pray for me before I spoke.It was truly a heart-warming experience and I

could not hold back my tears. The church mem-bers came forward and many laid hands on me,and also Sister Ruby, who was going through asimilar journey at the time.

It seemed so heart-wrenching that three mem-bers of EMC were being put through this trial atthe same time (the other person being Gay).

When I finally spoke, I composed myself andshared a message which I had entitled “Hope”.Dear friends from other churches were present,as were two of my sisters and their families.

At the 10.30 service again, the congregationprayed for me. It was indeed a day when God notonly told me how real He is, but that through his“angels” here on earth, He would guide me bymy hand, moment by moment. Many cried andhugged me; it was truly emotional.

And so chemo began the following day. In thesix cycles that I went through, the support wastremendous. Some visited me at the hospital,some at home. The “Meals on Wheels” teamsprang into action under Dr Violet How’s super-vision, and they cooked up wonderful meals forme and my family. My neighbours of all races andreligions also responded, like they did during myfirst and second journeys.

I thank God that once again, like in 2006, mycompany agreed to pay the bills.

By the third round of chemo, a CT scan showed

21

that the tumour had all but disappeared. But thejourney had to go on. After my chemo finished,the doctor said I would have to go through 35rounds of radiotherapy. My heart sank.

In my first journey, I underwent 35 rounds ofRT too and the side effects were quite tough. Ididn’t relish the thought of having to go throughthat again, especially when I lost my sense of tastefor quite a while. For my second journey, I hadundergone an operation to remove a lump in myneck and the subsequent adjuvant chemotherapywas not as bad as anticipated.

But now, I had to go through a double-whammy. After consulting other doctors, and withmuch prayer, I went ahead with RT.

I persevered and with improved equipment,the RT was not as bad as the one in 1999. Whilemedical progress helps, I know ultimately it isGod who heals.

On June 7, right in the middle of my treat-ment, my wife and I celebrated our 25th weddinganniversary. Throughout my treatment, my elderson Kevin was studying in London and we keptin touch via Skype. But I was really happy whenhe completed his studies and came home, soonafter my treatment finished in September.

Although I had taken a six-month leave ofabsence from work, I continued to write my regu-lar column in The Star. I also chronicled my jour-ney in cyberspace. Through my blog andFaceBook, I was able to give a blow-by-blow ac-

count of my journey and many friends from allover the world joined me in my journey. Theirwords of encouragement, from thousands of milesaway, added a new dimension to what I wentthrough.

On March 20, 2012, I posted on my FaceBook,“Today, March 21, marks exactly one year after Istarted the first round of chemo. Five more roundsfollowed, and then 35 rounds of radiotherapy. Itwas quite a journey. The T-shirt I wear is the sameone I wore back in 2006. Psalm 23 reminds meof God’s care and abiding presence. The lovelylilies are from Maria Rode who sent them throughmy wife last night to ‘celebrate God’s goodness,faithfulness and love towards me’. Thank youGod. Thank you to my FB family.”

I thanked everyone who journeyed with me,including my EMC family. There were momentsof sadness and sorrow for me, when fellow pa-tients went home to the Lord. Yet there is alwaysthe assurance that they are safely home in Hisarms, where there is no more pain and every tearis wiped away.

What is God’s purpose for bringing me throughthree cancer journeys and healing me completelyeach time? I am continuing to seek His plans forme.

For now, I know that God put me back intothe oncology ward for a reason, as there were somany patients to relate to, to share with and topray for. I also hope to embark on another writ-

23

ing mission soon to update my little book, “Faceto Face with Cancer” where I can chronicle ingreater detail, this third journey with cancer.

The message remains the same: God is Sover-eign and He is fully in charge. And through allour trials and tribulations, only God makes thedifference. To God be the Glory!

This was written for the book, God is Good, publishedby Emmanuel Methodist Church in conjuction with its15th anniversary in March, 2012.

A jolly good time with jigsaw puzzles: Special thanks to my dearfriend, Mark Tarnacki of Vermont, whom I met during my attach-ment to the Brattleboro Reformer back in 1986 on an Americanpress fellowship. Mark sent puzzles by mail to keep me occupiedduring my time of treatment and recuperation.

It would not be possible to include all the postings madeon Ewe Jin’s Facebook during the journey, but this post-ing is special and we decided to include it in the book.

Amidst the dark clouds, a veryspecial silver lining...

On June 7, today, my wife and I celebrateour 25th wedding anniversary. It is theSilver Anniversary and it reminds me of

that most common saying that behind every darkcloud there is a silver lining.

I wonder how many of you have actually seensuch a silver lining. I have seen it many timesbecause looking upwards is something I do quiteoften – be it to appreciate a sunrise, a sunset, theclouds or simply the clear blue sky.

I realize that it is hard for those who know meto equate my current battle with the Big C as adark cloud. After all, those who have visited mehave remarked often enough that I look perfectlyokay. Save for the bald look, no one would knowwhat I am going through.

Through my generally positive writing in pub-lic, people do wonder if I have my dark moments.It seems you are always swimming upstream, afriend commented.

I wonder how many of you have read our book,Face to Face with Cancer, with the blow-by-blowaccount of my earlier two journeys.

I note one thing – those who are cancer pa-

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tients, or the immediate caregivers, are the oneswho have read it cover to cover. I suspect thatthe majority of those who have a copy of thebook, but where the Big C is not real to them,have just given it a quick browse.

Which is a shame. The chronicles will revealthat it is not always positive. Like a rollercoaster,as my wife puts it, my emotions can run wild attimes. The book is not so much a journey withcancer, but a journey with my Soulmate.

It is the same with this journey. Just the otherday, I was really down and was in effect tellingmy wife that I have lost faith in people. I felt allalone as the visitors have dried up, as have theletters, the cards, the SMSes. No one seems towant to hug me anymore.

Being home-bound out of medical necessity,I could not be proactive in seeking out company,as I was able to when I was fully well. Dear friendswere in hospitals, and I could not visit them. Norcould I drop in on old, lonely people to have teaor a chat. I could not run around doing errands. Itseemed the world has moved on.

But of course, the reality is not as bleak as Ihave described. Funny how chemo drugs can playhavoc on your mind as well. The sense of loneli-ness is exaggerated. Which is why my wife willjust smile when I am in this mode and say, “Don’tworry, you never lose faith. You never lose heart.”

And then, true enough, I will spring back thenext day.

My wife is like that. She is indeed the silverlining in my life, and I know God will not feelslighted because He is in a different plane alto-gether.

But surely, on this side of Heaven, who cancompare to my dear wife? In the 25 years we havebeen married, she has walked alongside me everystep of the way. Through good times, throughtough times, she has been the steady anchor inmy life.

It has been an interesting life for us certainly. Ihave done well in my career but I still count theyears when I stayed home as a full-time home-maker to take care of my two boys to be the mostmeaningful. It takes a special wife to be able tostand up and tell the world that the man of thehouse is indeed the man in the house.

And what about my journeys with cancer? Notonce, not twice, but three times? Through it all,she is that special caregiver par excellence. I geta lot of support from many friends, relatives andneighbours but only she can be there for me whenI need a shoulder to cry on, or when I wake up inthe middle of the night, anxious and frightened,wondering what tomorrow holds.

I had made some plans to celebrate this 25thanniversary with something big, but my currenthealth situation does not permit me to do so. Andthen it dawns on me that for us, every day hasbeen a celebration. We don’t need to mark out aday to officially celebrate.

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I wake up each morning in the arms of some-one who truly takes our marriage vows seriously.And she does not have to join the Obedient WivesClub to prove it. She is not only a great wife, butmy friend and my soulmate.

After 25 years, we still talk to each other likethe time when we were courting. And as a motherto our two boys, I find no one to compare herwith.

Whenever she is asked her why she chose meover the many other admirers, she would say, “Iknew your heart!”

And so did I. Our two hearts came together asone because they were in synch with each other.As much as she loves me, her heart is much muchbigger than that. Her love extends into areas thatseek to bless others.

She has always been that essential reminderfor us to be in the world, and yet not of the world.Material prosperity has always been there for ourpicking but we are thankful that God has blessedus with what we need, no more, no less.

I met my wife on May 2 1985 and we got mar-ried 401 days later. It was a whirlwind courtshipcertainly which hardly gave us time to really knoweach other deeply before we committed ourselvesto spend the rest of our lives together.

These past 25 years have been a journey ofdiscovery and every moment, every decision, havemade it such a joy ride.

For many of us, we may notice a silver lining

once in a while. I am thankful that there is thissilver lining in my life all the time.

So whether we celebrate our Silver Anniver-sary, our Golden Anniversary or our DiamondAnniversary, it is indeed very special that we donot regret a single day that makes up all theseyears.

And my better half responds...

I have on occasion been referred to as the Proverbs 31 wife by Ewe Jin. The fact is there can

be no Proverbs 31 wife without a Psalm 1 man –he is like a tree planted by streams of water, heyields fruit in season and prospers in whateverhe does.

I have been so blessed to have spent the last25 years – half of my life – with this wonderfulman, who flourishes like a well-watered plant,always offering the good fruit of loving kindnessto everyone around him, and prospering in theeyes of God, with treasures that moth or rustcannot destroy.

I looked right into Ewe Jin’s heart from theday we met and I was swept off my feet by whatI saw – a heart that was kind and selfless and bigenough to accommodate everyone, both friendand foe.

Wine and roses quickly gave way to nappychanges and drippy noses. Teething problems,growing pains, teenage angst – these are enough

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to faze anyone. But with Ewe Jin beside me,parenting was every moment a joy. Indeed, it hasbeen my great joy and privilege to be a very ordi-nary woman married to such an extraordinary man.

Ewe Jin is a man who thought nothing ofdowning tools (and mind you, he is very goodwith those tools) to stay home and be full timefather to our boys for many years. He is also al-ways the first to volunteer help to those in need.And above all, has an infectious enthusiasm forlife.

In 25 years, there have been as many birthdaysurprises! I have been so very loved and cher-ished. And as we continue to journey together, insickness and in health, I know that the best yearsare yet to be. Happy anniversary to my Soulmate.I love you!

We both found time to design special gifts to celebrate the occasion.The flowers were sent by Ewe Jin’s mother all the way from Penang

IT cannot cripple love It cannot shatter hope

It cannot corrode faithIt cannot eat away peaceIt cannot destroy confidenceIt cannot kill friendshipIt cannot shut out memoriesIt cannot silence courageIt cannot invade the soulIt cannot reduce eternal lifeIt cannot quench the spiritIt cannot lessen the power of the resurrection.

– Author Unknown

What Cancer Cannot Do

From ourjournals:

The second battleIt began in November 2006...

A diary of our second journeyAs with the first journey in 1999, Ewe Jin and Angelinefaithfully chronicle the events and their thoughts in truejournalistic fashion.

The lump and the op

Ewe Jin’s storyOn Monday, Oct 30, 2006, after taking a friendto see my oncologist for a second opinion, DrGurcharan Singh checked on a lump on my neckthat had been bothering me for the past two weeks.

The week before, my ENT doctor, Dr AwalHassan, had examined it and concluded that clini-cally, it was okay, but noted that only a full-fledgedscan could give a conclusive result. My oncolo-gist wanted me to do an MRI which I did the fol-lowing day.

The MRI and ultrasound revealed a firm mass2cm by 2cm. In the case of an infection, the masswould be more diffused rather than firm, the doc-tors explained.

My oncologist then said the lump is a 50-50indication of cancer (because of my prior his-tory) and before proceeding, he would like to dis-count the possibility. I did a bone scan, a CT scanfor the lungs and a CT scan for the liver and kid-neys.

It was a long process, reminding me of April1999. My wife was with me all the time, of course,and we were indeed comforted by all the calls

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and SMSes as we waited to do the proceduresand see the doctors.

My onco, after analysing all the results, de-clared that “this is the best possible news” as therewere no signs whatsoever of any cancer activityin any part of the body. The lump, however, hasto be removed. On Nov 15, Dr Awal undertookthe surgery jointly with an expert head/neck sur-geon from Tawakal Hospital, Dr SolahuddinKenali. (Both Dr Gurcharan and Dr Awal have beentaking care of me since my first journey.)

The plan was to open up the neck, make aquick cut and send a sample to the pathologistfor immediate examination. If there was no traceof cancer activity there, the operation would besimple and they would just remove the mass andclose me up. If there was any sign of cancer cells,they would probe deeper and remove adjoiningnodes and tissue.

The operation was expected to last for about3 hours. As I had never been in an operation in-volving GA before, I was rather apprehensive butI knew God was with me all the time and Hewould see me through.

The anaesthesiologist, Dr Ibtisan Ibrahim,came by in the evening to prepare me for the op-eration. I told her to please be extra careful andmake sure I wake up. She smiled and herdemeanour put me very much at ease. She toldme to take some tablets before bedtime so I couldhave a good night’s sleep.

Early the next morning, I was wheeled intothe operating theatre. I was happy to see Dr Awal,and he told me not to worry. I heard the nursessaying, “He looks like Dr. Tong.” I have heardthat remark before. Apparently Dr. SebestianTong, the resident general & colorectal surgeonat Damansara, looks like me. I told myself Ishould say hello to him after I recovered fromsurgery.

We were ready. Dr Ibtisan looked at me andsaid she was about to administer the gas. Countto 10, she said. I counted 1.... and I was off todreamland. The next thing I found myself beingawakened. “Mr Soo, can you hear us?” My in-stant reply was, “Am I still alive?”

Angeline’s storyNov 15 2006: After getting all the clear scanstwo weeks ago, I was expecting Ewe Jin’s biopsyto be clear, too. But it was not to be. When I wastold by the OT nurse during the operation onWednesday that the lump was malignant, it gaveme quite a jolt. I had presumed it would be be-nign. And so what was to have been a 3 houroperation stretched to 7 hours.

(As an aside, the surgeon called me over mid-way through stitching Ewe Jin up to show me thetissue wrapped in a plastic bag, because the nursehad informed him that “the wife is anxious to seethe specimen”. I had said no such thing, of course,having asked only for the biopsy result. Anyway,

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the tissue was palm-sized and looked like a pieceof liver.)

I didn’t have time to pause and think in thebusy-ness of the next two days. But on Fridaymorning, I finally realised the significance of themalignant lump. It actually indicated how closeEwe Jin and I came to a bigger battle.

It meant that there were already cancer cellsjust waiting to spread, but I believe a Divine Handcontained the cancer and kept it from getting tothe bones, lungs, liver and elsewhere. And ofcourse the timing was simply perfect. Our gra-cious Heavenly Father has spared Ewe Jin andme a much, much harder journey and we are evergrateful.

The surgeon has told us that they will do abiopsy of the tissue that was removed. If themargins of the tissue are clear, then most likelythere will be no need for further treatment. Butif malignant cells are present in the margins, theoncologist will decide on the next course of ac-tion.

We were schedule to see the ENT on Nov 22to get the full biopsy result. The prayers, encour-aging SMSes, gifts in cash and kind, offers to cook,and presence of family and friends, were a com-fort to us. Through it all, we had God’s peace.We saw up close and first-hand how wonderfullyHe provides for his children – and we are awed.

The biopsy results

We “broadcast” to family and friends the resultsfrom Ewe Jin’s biopsy: 10 out of 25 lymph nodesthat were removed had cancer cells, others wereclear. All other surrounding tissues (muscle, vein,glands, etc) were clear. The ENT was happy withthe surgery and felt that no further treatment wasnecessary in the area.

What an unmistakable message from God thatHe is in control of this situation, as in every situ-ation. His protection and providence in the pastthree weeks assured us that He loves us beyondmeasure. Above all, God’s presence was with usthrough it all. His “peace that passes understand-ing”, which was once a just cliché for us, has be-come a reality. And we know beyond the shadowof a doubt that our God is Real. And here areother blessings that have simply overwhelmed us: the fervent prayers of family and friends

have given us much comfort.the gifts we received were so generous, we

actually had surplus funds. some friends and neighbours offered to

cook for us, so Angeline drew up a roster and wehad wonderful meals from a different kitchen eachday of the week, all cooked with love. We hadnever been so well fed!

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Not quite over yet

While we would have liked to end our story atthe previous section, a postscript is necessary.When we consulted the oncologist on Nov 29,he asked us to decide on whether Ewe Jin wouldundergo adjuvant chemotherapy.

This treatment is basically preventive, and isaimed at getting rid of any cancer cells that maybe lurking elsewhere in the body. It is an optionaltreatment, since there is no way to tell for certainwhether there is a real need for it.

We were caught off guard when the choicewas put before us, as we had thought that ourENT and onco doctors had already arrived at aconsensus of no further treatment. It felt as if,having just returned from a mountain trek andabout to take a warm shower and put our feet up,we were told to start off again for another moun-tain.

However, after consultation with many friends(including doctors) and after much prayer, EweJin has elected to go for the chemo.

The whole course comprises six cycles. Itwould begin on Dec 14, and if all went as sched-uled, will finish on March 29, 2007. The cocktailconsists of Carboplatin and Taxol. Three GCSFboosters would also be given each cycle. Ewe Jinwould probably still have his hair at Christmas,but would lose it all pretty soon after that.

Of course, this development did not take any-thing away from the way God worked everything

out for us, from the scans to the operation andbiopsy, in His perfect timing. We were grateful tohave been spared a harder battle.

And as Ewe Jin put it, we knew that whatevermountain we were required to climb, we have ourGood Shepherd to climb alongside us. We knowHe will never abandon us or forsake us.

Ewe Jin was very positive and said that thiswould complete his cancer experience (since thelast time he only underwent radiotherapy) andwould make him quite the “comprehensive guide”when he counsels and encourages other patients.

The chemo journey

Angeline’s thoughtsI couldn’t have asked for more in a patient. EweJin is cheerful, positive, uncomplaining and heal-ing beautifully. One month after his operation toremove malignant lymph nodes, we embarked onyet another journey: chemotherapy.

Dec 13 / On the eve of chemo: Ewe Jinwas much chirpier than I was on the 13th. I hadbeen strong as I leaned on God but now standingat this doorway, memories of the first journeycame flooding back and I faltered. Thank Godfor Jin’s cheerfulness that saw us through the eveof chemo. Later on, I was assured that this willbe a different journey, a different road from be-fore, and there will be much to experience andlearn.

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The tears come at last.I am assured of His presenceyet anxious over the road ahead,this familiar roadwith all its crests and troughs.I am overcomeby thoughts of overcast daysand an unrelenting bone-weariness.In my weakness, Lordis Your strength made perfect.Your grace is sufficient for me.I will lean on those Everlasting Arms.

Dec 14 / D-Day: I am up by 6.30am to packsandwiches and drinks, but this is no picnic. EweJin will have to snack and drink constantly dur-ing chemo. We are at the door of the oncologyclinic by 7.15 and already there is a crowd. Thenurse arrives at 7.30 and there is a scramble fornumbers. We are number 8.

The blood test and then consultation with thedoctor takes us up to 10am, after which we traipseup to the pharmacy to ‘order’ the cocktail –Carboplatin and Taxol. It is 11 by the time Jingoes on the drip. The cocktail includes pre-medi-cations that quell nausea magically. Ewe Jin is‘Most Cheerful Patient’, just as he was 7 yearsago. It is a treat to see him, bag of poison empty-ing into his veins, encouraging the others in thechemo room.

The procedure that should have taken four

hours in fact stretches to six hours in the firstcycle, because precautions are taken and the dripis adjusted to a slow speed. It turns out to be anall-day affair and it is past 5pm by the time wefinish.

As we walk to the car Jin says he needs tovisit the toilet. I wait in the car. After a while Iget a call from him, gasping, “Come and helpme…” I rush in to find him crumpled weakly ona chair and dripping in sweat. Diarrhoea is oneof the side effects. I get an attendant to push himin a wheelchair to the door while I drove the carover, bracing for a long haul.

Jin was exhausted as the chemicals kicked inand slept immediately after a light dinner.

Ewe Jin’s thoughtsMy wife is still very much a journalist though shehas long exited out of the profession. Herchronicles are an accurate reflection of not onlywhat she went through, but what I went throughas well.

I guess I have to live up to my reputation asthe most cheerful and positive patient at DSH.All these years, I have been making regular visitsto the oncology ward to meet friends and totalstrangers and do my little part to help. For thosegoing through chemo, I found that I could notfully identify with them as I only went throughRT. Now, I feel like God’s purpose for me is to gothrough an operation and also chemo so I could

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share fully all aspects of known scientific formsof cancer treatment.

But there is a sense of anxiety in me. I amhuman, after all, not Superman. Well, even Su-perman is vulnerable to kryptonite…

On the very first day the chemo was adminis-tered, it felt like a breeze, until I went to the toi-let after the treatment was completed. The diar-rhoea, the feeling of life being drained out of me...My first thoughts were, “Hey, is this what chemoreally is all about? Have I been misled to believethat it would be easy?”

Questions, and more questions. At that point,I felt like I was about to climb Mt Everest andnot just my beloved Penang Hill which used tobe a regular hike for me back in my school days.God, not by my strength but by Yours. The reas-suring promise from the Word of God puts thingsback in perspective. But I was tired.

As it turned out, and as the subsequent cycleswould show, the diarrhoea was a reaction by mybody in the first cycle only. I never had the prob-lem again throughout the rest of my treatment.

Angeline’s thoughts Dec 15-16 / The cycle begins: The next twodays, none of the expected effects materialised –no aches and pains or nausea. Ewe Jin was fineand, thankfully, was eating well. My challenge hasbeen to keep the nutritious, high-protein mealscoming – no easy task for an uninspired cook.

But Jin hasn’t complained once about the food,bless him. Generally, Ewe Jin has very low en-ergy levels as his body deals with the chemicalsthat have been pumped in. No doubt it will be aquiet Christmas for the Soos this year.

Dec 17-20 / Easing in: ‘Cycle’ used to be aneutral word for me. But with Ewe Jin’s treat-ment being administered in cycles (six of them),the word now connotes many things – ascentsand descents, highs and lows… and doing the loopover and over. Imagine a roller coaster with sixgut-wrenching rises and drops, and you are seatedin the front as the carriage trundles up for thefirst free-fall. In melancholic moments, that aboutdescribes my view from where I am.

But as we ease into the first week of Ewe Jin’schemotherapy, those moments are rare. Mostdays, I awake thanking God for the many bless-ings He sends my way – Ewe Jin’s great appetite,beautiful skies (no haze), caring friends and fam-ily, strength for the day, both physical and spiri-tual.

We have been told that each patient reactsdifferently to the chemo drugs. Ewe Jin’s bodyseems to be rolling with the punches and thereare hardly any side effects except for the persis-tent tiredness. The diarrhoea has stopped. Nonausea. The numbness in the extremities whichwe were warned of did not happen at all, and thefirst week passes by almost serenely. Many nights,

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Jin and the boys, who are both on holiday, en-gage in Scrabble playoffs. How thankful I am forthis normality of life.

Dec 21 / Low immunity: The second weekof the three-week cycle is when Ewe Jin’s immu-nity plunges to its lowest. We are cautioned thatany infection at this time could be life threaten-ing. Although Jin loves company, I will have toplay the bad guy and impose a ‘No Visitors’ rulefor now.

On Thursday, we drive to hospital for aGranocyte booster jab – a marvel of modernmedicine that sends his blood count shooting upimmediately to help his immune system to cope.I watch to learn how to administer the shot onEwe Jin’s tummy. All I can say is, I’m glad I didn’tchoose nursing as a career.

We had a hearty banana leaf lunch after that.Ewe Jin is eating even better than before his treat-ment began. So far, it has been a very differentroad indeed from our first journey, and a goodlesson for me to trust God to show me just thenext step instead of peering anxiously into thehorizon.

Dec 22-24 / Rashes, visitors and a turkey:I learnt that you can’t quarantine a free spirit. EweJin blithely disregards my ‘No Visitors’ rule andhis friends continue to drop by at a steady clip tosee him. The most I can do is screen them for

runny noses and sore throats. A new side effectappeared on Friday: Angry patches of rashesacross the body, with clusters especially aroundthe elbows and knees.

On Saturday, we drive to hospital for Ewe Jin’ssecond booster. The oncologist is away on leave,so we check with the nurse about the rashes. Shesays it is not uncommon among chemo patientsand is probably an allergy to the drugs. In theafternoon, two of Ewe Jin’s sisters arrive fromPenang and cook up a storm in the kitchen – awelcome treat for all of us.

The following day is Christmas Eve. Afterlunch Ewe Jin’s sisters return to Penang and hebecomes noticeably moodier. The rashes botherhim and he seemed to be breathing more heavily.A pall descends on the atmosphere at home. Weall become snappish and sullen.

God knows our every need. That evening Hesent angels in the form of the Chans with a spe-cial Christmas turkey delivery. Later, the Loossent over a tub of delicious spaghetti from theirChristmas Eve party. Our spirits lifted. We havethe sumptuous fare for dinner, plus a bottle ofsparkling grape juice from Audrey, Ewe Jin’s niecewho came to have a meal with us.

Our Heavenly Father has provided for all ourneeds from the very beginning of this journey,way beyond what we asked for. Our financialneeds were taken care of unexpectedly. Friendsand family rallied round with support.

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The Kuas and the Ohs continue to deliver atleast one nutritious dinner each week – they callit ‘meals on wheels’. The Kanas provide a con-stant supply of bean curd (high protein) and othergoodies. Home brewed chicken essence is sentover regularly by Vivian and Karen. We continueto receive gifts of cheques and cash. And a greatcloud of supplication rises to God each day onour behalf.

We feel so blessed, and very much loved.

Dec 25 / A meaningful Christmas: OnChristmas Day, we skip Christmas service be-cause a large crowd is expected and it is too riskyfor Ewe Jin to go. We also forego our traditionalopen house for the first time in years. The quiet-ness is a sharp contrast from our other Christ-mases.

But the tempo picks up from noon. Kevin’sfriends come over for lunch of leftover turkeyand spaghetti, and a mouth-watering chicken piefrom our dear neighbour Mahani. We order piz-zas and have a great time. Ewe Jin enjoys Boggleand other games with the young people.

Two other families drop in and stay to chatabout Ewe Jin’s new journey. In the evening, wejoin the extended Lim Clan for a scrumptiousChristmas dinner, fellowship, carolling and giftexchange.

Chemotherapy naturally wouldn’t be onanyone’s Christmas wish list. But happily, it didn’t

dampen our spirits this season. Our celebrationof God’s love may be on a lower key than usualbut, surrounded by family and friends, it is noless meaningful.

Ewe Jin’s thoughtsI knew Christmas 2006 would be different. Iwanted to reach out to my friends and the publicat large. I wanted to share with them a heart-and-soul comment. So this was what I wrote in TheSunday Star on Christmas Eve:

The season for giving and forgiving

My house will not be so open this Christmas. ButI know Makcik Mahani will still send over herspecial chicken pie. She has advised that, forhealth reasons, I keep this year’s celebration low-key.

Over the years, this wonderful neighbour hastaught me a lot of practical lessons, and muchabout the Malay/Muslim world. As have myother neighbours of different ethnicities andfaiths.

We learn not only about the do’s and don’tsof open houses, but also the rituals of births,weddings and funerals. The most important les-son of all is how to love your neighbour.

Through such interactions, our homes remainopen to one another and not only during specialoccasions.

Today is the day before Christmas and, despite

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the lingering headlines and reports of purportedtensions in the country’s fragile ethnic relations,I am thankful that my neighbourhood ticks in thisspecial way.

I believe it is a spirit of sharing that keeps ustogether. We often offer to pick up somethingfrom the local grocery store, or pass around a lad-der or a power drill, or allow our electricity orwater supplies to be tapped during a kenduri.

When sharing comes naturally during goodtimes, it also comes naturally during tough times.

I am currently going through a medical up-heaval. And the neighbours have responded.They not only covered me with prayer but werequick with their practical help.

Immediately after my recent operation, vari-ous neighbours took turns to cook dinner for us.From full-fledged meals to chicken soup (so goodfor the soul), juices and snack items, they madesure that I was well taken care of. These muhibbahmeals, cooked with much love, never tasted sogood.

Tun Hanif wrote in his column Point of View(Sunday Star, Dec 3, 2006) that “before we startlooking around to see what sort of people theyare, look hard at our own selves first because theyare, in the main, ourselves.

“Yes, my friends, you and I and our attitudes;you and I and our desires; you and I and what wedo; you and I and how we have brought up ouryoung; you and I who have chosen our parlia-

ment and allowed our public servants and thepublic to be what they are!

“For many of us, what has been our own sin-gular contribution to our national unity other thanto exist, to demand and to expect?”

Strong words, surely, but he has hit the nail onthe head. Many who complain so much aboutwhat is wrong with our country live a life apartfrom the system that they are complaining about.

When I sent my children to the neighbourhoodnational schools, we got to know the teachers,the parents and the children. In the PTA, weshared our views and our concerns.

Through our involvement, both the primaryand secondary school administrations, thoughpredominantly Malay and Muslim, were alwayssensitive to the needs of the minorities.

After nearly 50 years as a nation, it is sad thatwe have to struggle to discuss such issues in thepublic domain, feeling like we are always tread-ing on sensitive ground.

It is about give and take and perhaps this na-tion will move forward easier if we all emphasiseon the giving rather than the taking.

Yes, we have our rights, but so does everyoneelse. And if we give generously in love, then allthe ethnic and religious divides will pale intoinsignificance. If we give based on needs, therewill always be enough to go round.

And, by the same token, if we had been sub-jected to unfair treatment or been hurt by insen-

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sitive remarks, perhaps the answer is not so muchabout retaliation but about forgiveness.

This is Christmas after all. A season for giv-ing, and forgiving.

May we all endeavour to give faith to thosewho have lost faith, hope to those in despair andlove to those who feel most unloved.

Angeline’s thoughts Dec 26-28 / Another milestone: Our dearfriend Peter treated us to a fabulous Japaneselunch on Boxing Day. Ewe Jin still had a decentcrew cut then. That evening, however, we foundthat his hair came off in clumps when tuggedgently. So on Dec 27, the 13th day after chemo,we crossed another milestone: Ewe Jin went tothe barber for a full shave. Bald is beautiful, hesays. He is not quite a Yul Brynner – more likeTelly Savalas – but definitely pretty cool.

We feel at peace right now despite the hairloss and persistent itch of the rashes. This is theclose of the low immunity week, and Ewe Jin’stemperature never did hit the critical 38 degreemark that would have set off alarm bells. Somewell-meaning people have warned that the fol-lowing rounds will be ‘more toxic’. Well, we don’tknow what lies ahead but we do know without adoubt that our God is able to see us through ev-ery storm.

Dec 29-31 / Goodbye 2006: Friday saw Ewe

Jin’s spirits taking a slide, but he self-administeredan extremely effective remedy – “Ikea Therapy”.He bought four DIY shelves and spent theevening assembling the units and then rearrang-ing his DVDs and magazines. Under RM200 fora neater living area and a cheerier patient – moneywell spent indeed.

The next day Nancy came to whip up a feastin our kitchen – fried chicken, stewed meat andchicken and vegetable stroganoff. We enjoyedtucking into a great meal prepared with love andflair.

Sunday is New Year’s Eve. Ewe Jin read scrip-ture in church today and was warmly welcomedby friends who had missed him the weeks that hewas away. It is also Tim’s birthday. Ewe Jin and Iwanted to do something special for him becausehe had been so helpful and uncomplaining thisholiday while all the medical attention had beenon his father. We organise a modest barbecue at-tended by a few friends and favourite aunties.

Later that night, Kevin’s friends come by towelcome the New Year at our house – with spar-kling grape juice, a little wine and a game ofbridge. No fireworks or gourmet fare, but onceagain we have a meaningful time with family andfriends.

Jan 1-4 / New year, new beginnings: Hello2007. I have prayed for a kinder, gentler year. Buteven if that is not to be, above all, I have asked

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for another year of drawing nearer to God. If Ihad known a year ago what 2006 held for me, Imight have tried to run and hide. But as it turnedout, I have learned to lean wholly on God, myRock and my Shepherd. He has faithfully walkedwith me step by step, through fire and rain.

We had a peaceful start to the new year. Jan 4sees the end of Ewe Jin’s first cycle and his bodyseems to have fully recovered from the first salvo.We are now ready, both physically and mentally,for the next round on Jan 8. Having gone throughone cycle, this is no longer uncharted waters forus. It was a little choppy at times, but our boatwas never in danger of capsize as God was withus in the vessel. In fact, with help from God andfamily and friends, we have managed to smile atthe storm.

Jan 8 – Feb 1 / Thoughts in the SecondCycle: I have never seen a cloud that wasn’tbreathtaking. Whether wispy, majestic, stormy,silver-lined, pink or gold – all have a beauty be-yond words. Every time I look at the sky, my heartleaps up and I say a prayer of thanksgiving.

What have clouds to do with chemotherapy?Well, in this second cycle the weather has beenexceptionally wet – and after each shower theclouds have been awesome, God’s masterpieceon a brilliant canvas. To me, they have been adaily reminder that God is near and He gives meall good things to enjoy.

Besides the glory of the skies, good friendsare also such a blessing – three of Ewe Jin’s palscame to relieve me from duty during the secondchemo on Jan 8, so I could get Timothy homefrom school and also get some rest. Ewe Jin hasgained 1.9kg since treatment began; another bless-ing! The second round went smoothly – no diar-rhoea this time, but the tiredness persists.

On the fifth day, Ewe Jin’s rashes gave somuch discomfort that we had to visit the doctorto get medication for it. The pills cause drowsi-ness and when Ewe Jin took the Kelisa out torun an errand, he crunched the door against an-other car. It was a good lesson to mind the warn-ing labels on medicines. One thing that has beenhard to handle was the mountains of unsolicitedadvice, at a time when we would much ratherpeople just lent an ear.

I am more familiar with the pattern now: fa-tigue in the first week, low immunity in the sec-ond, recovery in the third, and then on to the nextround. All told, it has been a peaceful second cycle– not half as intense as the radiotherapy regimenyears ago – and we are generally upbeat.

Still, we’re not saints; far from it. Ewe Jin hashis gloomy days and sullen moments. And so farI have averaged two tearful occasions per cycle.Those probably coincide with the hormonal spikesin my own perimenopausal cycles but I’m notkeeping track; there are too many cycles to dealwith as it is.

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At this point in the journey, time seems to bealmost at a stand still as Ewe Jin and I put every-thing on hold to concentrate on the treatment.Sometimes it can be excruciating, with thingsmoving in slow-motion like in a John Woo movie.But I think God is telling us to wait upon Him.

I am thankful that God has kept His promises– of strength for the day, rest from the labour,light for the way, grace for the trials, help fromabove, unfailing kindness, undying love.

Feb 2 – 22 / Thoughts in the Third Cycle:Three down and three to go. Crossing the half-way mark gave us a boost psychologically. Butphysically, this third bag of poison packed a hardwallop and took the wind out of Ewe Jin’s sails.He was much more fatigued both in body andspirit and it was a full week before he bouncedback, twice as long as in the earlier cycles.

I am grateful that he has been spared the dis-comforts of nausea and has gained another 2.3kg,truly a miracle. Still, the successive waves ofdrugs are taking a toll on his body and we arebracing for a similar effect in the next cycle.

Compared to radiotherapy, where the treat-ment was administered in quick succession overseven weeks, chemotherapy is quite a marathon.It is simply not possible to run it like a sprint.Indeed, the days are creeping by and just like inlong distance races, there are many lonelystretches along the road. The crowd of visitors

who thronged the hospital room have dwindledto a handful who are keeping pace with us for thelong haul. How grateful we are for these angelswho regularly help with chores, bring meals andlift us up in prayer.

It is a reminder for me that so many of life’scritical journeys are marathons, and the impor-tant thing is to stay the course and complete therace. What an assurance it is to know that God,who is our most faithful Friend, will see usthrough to the finish.

Ewe Jin’s thoughtsI should make a note of what happened on thefirst day of Chinese New Year which fell on Feb18. I went to return the food containers to ourfriends who had cooked us many meals.

As I approached the gate, their dog, which wehad known for years, lunged at me and took abite right at the tummy.

Maybe it could not recognise me because I wasbald, or perhaps I smelt different because of thechemo. It took a while to find a doctor who couldgive me an anti-rabies jab.

I told anyone who bothered to listen that thedog must have been upset that the Year of theDog was giving way to the Year of the Boar. AndI am born in the Year of the Boar.

Angeline’s thoughts Feb 23 – March 15 / Thoughts in the

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Fourth Cycle: Someone noted that from my jour-nal entries, it’s unclear sometimes whether EweJin is the one who is going through the chemo, orI am. I have taken too many liberties in my writ-ing. Indeed, Ewe Jin is the one strapped into theroller coaster. It is not my ride… yet I can feelsome of the terror of it. The caregiver is oftencaught in a No Man’s Land, neither here nor there.I hope Ewe Jin will soon be able to tell you abouthis experience himself so we can get the ‘insidestory’. Meanwhile, these writings are my therapy.

The chemotherapy room is a window to awhole new world. Whatever anguish I feel as Iwatch from the sidelines, I will never fully knowthe emotions of the patient who waits five hoursfor a half-litre of poison to drain into his blood-stream, knowing the havoc it will wreak on hisbody. These brave ones who face the treatmentwith such fortitude deserve Purple Hearts.

I am so thankful that Ewe Jin is taking thetreatment in stride. Physically, he has put on afurther 1.4kg and has a growing girth to show forit. Above all, on most days he is his buoyant selfemotionally. Despite the attendant fatigue thiscycle, he made a determined effort to live life asusual.

On Day 4 he went marketing and cookedlunch. He bounced back fully on Day 7 (as in theprevious cycle) and off he went, visiting othercancer patients and catching up with friends. Asthe song goes, you can’t “catch a cloud and pin it

down”. Still, as the date of the next treatmentdraws near, he is noticeably subdued – and I geta glimpse of the potency of the therapy, the ter-ror of the ride.

We take comfort that this next round on March16 will be the penultimate one. After that, onlyone to go! I am aware that as one chapter closes,another will begin. There will have to be a reas-sessment of our schedules, roles, diets; our focusin life. But we will take it one step at a time.

A friend noted that Ewe Jin and I must havemuch faith because she saw “so much peace andcalm” in us. The fact is that our faith is very small,but we have a very big God indeed. The journeyis challenging, sometimes even gruelling, but onething that I have gained through it all is an endur-ing peace. It is a peace that defies logic – incon-gruous in such turbulent times, and so sturdy thatit withstands the fury of the storm. It is a peacethat assures me that my God is beside me everystep of the way.

March 16 – April 6 / Thoughts in the FifthCycle: When patient and caregiver are both in-disposed, who cares for whom? We had a chanceto find out this cycle. Two days before chemoday, I was knocked out by vertigo. Thankfully,we have strong family support and my sisterAdeline stood in for me on March 16, Ewe Jin’sfifth dose. She was outside our house by 6.45am,ready to chauffeur him to the hospital. She saw

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to his lunch, and brought him back home by 3pm.Thank God for cheerful helpers!

It appears the impact of the drugs goes up anotch every two rounds or so, not because thedose is any stronger but probably due to the cu-mulative effect on a battered body. The force thiscycle certainly seemed much greater than before,even if it lasted only one week. I could see animmense weariness in Ewe Jin – not just in bodybut also in spirit. “Nothing is right,” he said tome in a subdued tone. I was reminded afresh ofhow potent the drugs are, and wondered aboutthe long-term effects on the body, particularly theliver.

But time does heal and in a week he “sprangback to life”. As we visited and helped other can-cer patients, Ewe Jin noted that he has beenspared so much suffering compared to others. Heis sure that God had a purpose for leading him ona journey that is “just so” – giving him the cancerexperience and yet shielding him from intensepain.

The final dose will be on Good Friday, an ap-propriate day to end the journey. For Ewe Jin, itsymbolises the “death of cancer cells” and newlife beyond that. We approach the last chemo withmixed feelings. We plan to celebrate, of course,but will also need to buckle down to planningrealistically for “life after chemo”.

Transitions are always a challenge, and wehope to navigate this part of the journey smoothly

too. Sometime in this cycle, we attended a me-morial service for a man who had devoted hislife to God. The victorious note of the hymnsand eulogies reaffirmed for us that this journeyon earth is but a preparation for life in heaven,and we resolved to take steps now to make thatfinal transition well. As we rejoice in suffering,we are so thankful that the source of our joy andstrength comes from an unchanging, ever-lovingGod.

April 6 / My Thoughts as the JourneyEnds: It was a modest affair – muffins, nuts andraisins all round at the clinic, and souvenir shotswith a home-made “Last Chemo” mini banner.April 6 was not quite the end of the journey, butit was the last time Ewe Jin would have to go onthe Taxol drip, and we celebrated the occasionwith the other patients and the wonderfully cheer-ful oncology nurses.

The very next day, I was floored. The vertigothat hit me in Cycle 5, unappeased by insufficientrest, returned with a vengeance. This time I hadno choice but to sleep it off for five days. PoorEwe Jin had to turn caregiver in that period, de-spite feeling the full force of the chemo himself.It was an opportunity to fulfil our vows to behelpmates “in sickness and in health”.

At this time, we were also deeply saddened bythe death of my sister-in-law Magdalene, who hadbeen through a cancer journey herself. Despite

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our sorrow, there was such a triumphant tone ather wake and funeral services. The glowing eulo-gies made it plain that she had touched many livesin serving God faithfully.

Once more, we were reminded that it is thefinal transition in life that matters. What an as-surance to know with absolute certainty thatthrough faith in Jesus, I will be in God’s presenceonce I go past death’s doorway.

There are still loose ends to tie up and crucialpost-chemo decisions to be made – on ourlifestyle, diet, careers. Ewe Jin will return to worknext month, and go for more scans in threemonths. So while our chemo journey winds downto a close, the journey of life continues. As I takestock of the past six months, here are somethoughts that have crystallised.

Unfounded fears. At the start of this jour-ney, two things brought me to tears. One, I dreadeda rerun of the emotional roller-coaster that wehad been on during Ewe Jin’s radiotherapy yearsago. And two, I was daunted by the thought offeeding Ewe Jin through months of nausea. As itturned out, both these fears were totally un-founded. Ewe Jin was the most cheerful of pa-tients. The mood swings did not materialise. Nei-ther did the nausea – he had such a hearty appe-tite that he put on more than 10 pounds in sixcycles. For the record, there were also no otherside effects (numbness, mouth ulcers, etc) besidesfatigue and baldness.

A faithful God. Throughout this journey, wehave received blessing upon blessing. God’s faith-fulness simply overwhelmed us. Every financialneed was taken care of. Right through to the endof the journey, we received occasional gifts, of-ten at just the times payments had to be made.We were also blessed with strong support fromfamily and friends. There were always hands tohelp with chores, prepare meals and run errands.Right up to the finish, Ewe Jin continued to re-ceive freshly boiled chicken essence at least twicea week. And the ‘meals on wheels’ that were de-livered regularly to our doorstep are, to me, thegreatest idea ever.

Lessons learnt. As I look back, I realise thatthe journeys through the storms were the timesthat I truly learnt and grew. Seven years backduring Ewe Jin’s radiotherapy treatment, I dis-covered hidden strength I could not have pos-sessed apart from God. God’s strength was madeperfect in my weakness. This time round, it wasGod’s peace – so inexplicable and unshakable –that kept me steady and secure. As I clung on toGod through turbulent times, He has drawn mecloser to Him.

So as this ‘marathon’ ends, I believe that allthings have worked for good, just as God haspromised. It is my prayer that Ewe Jin and I willcontinue to wait upon the Lord as He reveals Hispurposes in our lives after this journey.

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Ewe Jin’s testimony

And the two shall be one – in sickness and in health; ingood times and bad. If you have read up to this point,you will realise how blessed I am to be married toAngeline. I could not have chronicled the jour-ney better.

On June 7, our 20th wedding anniversary, wetook a short trip to Port Dickson with our boysbefore I started work again. I am thankful thatThe Star had kindly granted me medical leave andalso taken care of the medical expenses.

When I went back to work, I was still bald butthe hair eventually grew back. I was no longerSunday Star editor but was redesignated as Spe-cial Projects editor. I took on the new positionwith an eagerness to face new challenges. Soonmy life drifted back to normal and I was reachingout to other cancer patients again, this time withmore “credentials”.

In April 2008, one year after my treatmentended, I asked my pastor for permission to thankthe church from the pulpit for being so support-ive during my journey. Pastor Ting went one stepfurther and asked me to share it as a sermon. Iwould like to share some portions of it here.

Sharing with my church

My first journey, which most of you are familiarwith, only involved radiotherapy, but now I havegone through an operation and chemotherapy. In

the world of cancer, we refer to these three formsof treatment as the Slash, Burn and Poison regi-men. When you operate, you slash; when you doradiotherapy, you burn; when you do chemo, youpoison. Now I can counsel anyone on all three.

I try to be positive. Yes, God, use me. ButGod, I am tired. I still have to ask you, “Why?Why Me?” God’s response is that He understands,and that His grace is sufficient for me. The op-eration and the chemotherapy took six monthsand I thank God that my company took care ofall the hospital bills. In those months, God gaveme the peace that passes all understanding andsent so many angels to take care of me.

As a cancer survivor, and as an encourager tomany who are going through similar journeys, Ican say that only God can make the difference. Itis so clear how the peace that passes all under-standing prevails in the lives of those who sur-render their circumstances to Him. Even atdeath’s door, the serenity on their faces says itall.

I would also like to share about our humanresponse to situations where a dear family mem-ber or friend has to go on a difficult journey of illhealth. Is it all right to be angry? Is it all right tocry? Is it all right to think that the God who lovesme so much, is nowhere near? Is it all right toshout, “Why me?”

I have always advocated the right of a patient(and loved ones) to be angry, anguished and un-

happy. Our God is a big God and He is patientwith our rantings.

In my own journey, nothing hurts more thanwhen I am reprimanded for having so “little faith”in God. Why are we expected to have super-faithat times when we are struggling physically, emo-tionally and spiritually? I remember when I hadbeen hushed up by people who feared that if Iwere to question God, it meant my faith was toosmall.

James Dobson, in his best-selling book WhenGod Doesn’t Make Sense, said, “Doubting one’s faithand one’s self is a natural part of the Christianlife.”

He related how Christians often fail in thisrespect because they are too eager to remind thepatient of what God can do. So there is a lot of“God conversations” during visitations which canmake the patient even more miserable.

During my treatment, my wife had to stop vis-its from people who took a toll on my physicalwell-being. Think for a moment – are you one ofthose who insist on hurrying to see a cancer pa-tient, not to offer practical help or a silent prayer,but to convince yourself that God is in control?

I would like to suggest some practical stepsthat hopefully can benefit us when someone closeto us has to go through a cancer journey. If you are not a doctor, and especially if

you do not know anything about cancer, pleasedo not give medical advice. Not only do I not

give medical advice, but I also take care not tooverly share my own experiences because weknow every patient is different, not only by wayof temperament but also in the way he or shereacts to the treatment.We should be happy to share our faith with

non-believers but I personally do not believe thataggressive evangelism at such a time is useful orappropriate. I have personally experienced caseswhere some church members were banned fromvisiting certain people because the patient andthe caregivers could not handle the situation. Goas a friend and let God do His work in His ownway, and in His own time. I find that I often have to help people de-

bunk the myths. I tell them not to listen to thehorror stories of people who were there years ago.A problem that all cancer patients face is that themoment the Big C is mentioned, everyone willhave a horror story to share, a supplement to rec-ommend, an alternative cure to promote, and adoctor to criticise. Such unsolicited advice canconfuse, depress and disturb. Let us be carefulhow we give advice.I have learnt, through many trials and er-

rors, that at a time when someone is facing a prob-lem, the last thing he wants to hear is anotherperson’s problem. Do take note that when youvisit, make the person you visit the most impor-tant person for the moment. No need to tell himabout this person or that person. I remember how

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someone told this patient about me and thatperson’s immediate retort was: “You see, God isso unfair. He heals Ewe Jin but He makes mesuffer!”Rather than dispense advice, the best thing

you could do for a cancer patient is to simply bethere. If we are the person with whom someonewants to share his burden, let’s learn to keep ourmouth shut and our ears open. Let’s just be thereto hold their hands.Practical help, often behind the scenes, is

the most useful. Help with transport, help withthe cooking, take the patient’s children out. Shareyour books, CDs and DVD collections with pa-tients.Finally, remember the caregiver. My wife,

the woman from Proverbs 31, is worth far morethan rubies. How glad I am when a friend comesby not only to give me fruits but to give her es-sence of chicken or a bouquet of flowers. Takethe caregiver out to a meal or to a movie, or awalk in the park. Remember the caregiver, myfriends, not just the patient.

The chemotherapy journey was made so much more bearablewith the ever cheerful nurses at the Damansara SpecialistCentre oncology ward, Aminah (left), Azura (right) andAnita (behind). Aminah cared for me in Journey 3 as well.

A photo diary of Journey 2A succesfuloperation onthe neck: Mydear friend andENT doctor,Dr AwalHassan, whoremains as oneof my principaldoctorsthrough all myjourneys.Dr GurcharanSingh was myoncologist inthe first twojourneys untilhe migrated tothe US.

GOD didn’t promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrowor sun without rain.

But God did promisestrength for the day,comfort for the tearsand a light for the way.

And for all who believein His kingdom above,He answers their faithwith everlasting love.

(This is a famous poem but the author is unknown. I have a plaque with this poem sitting on my desk in the office to remind me to remain faithful with God through good or bad times)

God’spromises

THE Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart

trusts; so I am helped.– Psalm 28:7

For God alone my soul waits in silence; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved.

– Psalm 62:1-2Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.

– Isaiah 41:10I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.

– John 11:25-26For God so loved the world that he gave His only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

– John 3:16

Words ofcomfort

From ourjournals:

The first battleIt began in April 1999...

A diary of the journeyI remember April 19, 1999 like it was yesterday.That was the day I was “zapped” in radiotherapyor RT, the first of 35 sessions spread over sevenweeks, daily except for weekends. It has been fiveyears since.

Today, the NPC or nasopharyngeal carcinoma– nose cancer in common terms – is in completeremission.

During my treatment, my weight plunged dra-matically. Now my old pants fit snugly aroundmy waist once more. During RT, my taste sensa-tions all but disappeared. Today I can taste ev-erything I eat and even my salivary glands seemto be cooperating.

The past five years have seen me go from highsto lows as my health hung in the balance. Mostof all, it has strengthened my faith in God, whohealed me. Here is a brief record of my weeks oftreatment written during the journey itself. Thethoughts of my wife, Angeline, are interspersedbetween my recollections.

Discovery and pre-treatment stage: In themiddle of November 1998, I experienced nose-bleed and a blocked ear. Ordinarily, I would neverhave consulted the doctor for such seeminglysmall problems. But for some reason, I went tosee my GP friend, Dr Chang Chee Wah. He re-ferred me to the ENT specialist at UniversitiHospital (now known as the Universiti Malaya

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Medical Centre) to have the symptoms checkedout, “just to be on the safe side”. A biopsy turnedout negative, and gave my family and me a chanceto celebrate the “good news” with a Thanksgiv-ing Christmas Party. In March 1999, when theear pressure problem returned, a second biopsywas recommended together with a CAT scan andI was told to collect the results on April 15.

April 15: The doctors at UH told me that Ihad cancer. It came as a shock to me that thecells had evolved from benign to malignant in amatter of four months. The good news was thatmy cancer was in Stage One and was 100 percent curable. The people at UH knew what theywere talking about. After all, the resident experton nose cancer is Professor Umapati Prasad,whose lifetime of research into this particularcancer has won him accolades in Malaysia andglobally. I thanked God for a GP who doesn’ttake chances. Because it would have taken a fewweeks for me to get my turn at UH’s radiotherapyclinic, I asked for options and was referred to theDamansara Specialist Hospital under the care ofDr Gurcharan Singh Khera.

April 16: I went to DSH to prepare for radio-therapy, 35 sessions over a seven-week period. I wasfitted with a white plastic mask that looks like afencing mask, which is screwed on to keep my headin position each time the machine zaps me. My boysremarked that I looked like Darth Vader!

April 19: RT began. The first session was likea carnival. I was accompanied by my wifeAngeline, my fifth sister and her husband whohappened to be visiting from Penang at the time.The staff were courteous and encouraging and Ithanked God for leading us to this place.

I got to know the other patients and theircaregivers. One patient travelled each morningfrom Nilai; another came from Klang. Comparedwith them, I am practically within walking dis-tance of the hospital. But our sojourn into theradiotherapy chamber is more or less the same:three minutes each at the most.

The first two weeks were a breeze. Staff atthe clinic dubbed me the “most cheerful patient”.That was before bacteria and fungi began to partyin my throat.

(Angeline’s thoughts at the end of Week Two)

We were generally upbeat because Ewe Jin’s cancer wasin Stage One and had an excellent chance of being cured.He was undergoing radiotherapy, and we were gratefulto be spared the ravages of chemotherapy.

While we counted these blessings, our hearts went outto other patients whom we had befriended in the oncologyclinic – those in Stage Two or Three who had tougherbattles and, worst of all, those who were alone in theirsuffering. We didn’t know what the purpose was for thistwist of events in our lives. What we did know was thatwe had developed an empathy with other cancer patientswhich one can’t possibly acquire looking in from the out-side.

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May 1: The toughest part of the RT was WeeksThree to Five. My throat was attacked by bacteriaand fungi that caused a serious infection. I was onlyable to take Enercal (a high-energy food drink) andjuices, and my weight dipped steeply. My entirethroat area hurt so much that even taking fluids wastorturous. I felt nauseous most of the time.

In the first two weeks, I was guzzling down somuch water that they could not refill enoughbottles for me. In Week Three, I struggled to fin-ish even one.

May 7: I coughed up blood and vomitted inthe bathroom. I lay on the floor, drained of en-ergy. At the time, my fifth and seventh sisterswere in town as well, and I felt really bad thatthey had to see me in this state. Finally, I decidedto get myself admitted to the hospital for a one-night stay, to go on the drip.

Well, just another day in the life of a cancerpatient undergoing radiotherapy. The drip did itsjob and after that my throat improved gradually.But skin on my cheeks and neck began to looklike a really bad case of sunburn. People wouldstare at the angry burn marks.

(Angeline’s thoughts at the end of WeekThree)

Nausea. A throatful of ulcers. Excruciating pain. It isbeginning to be obvious to me that we were in this for thelong haul. Ewe Jin was admitted into hospital last Fri-day to go on the drip. The doctor gave us the option and

Ewe Jin decided to go for it. It was simply too painful forhim to even drink. We had a host of questions, all ofthem bewildering to us, but oh-so-routine to the doctor.Yes, just one day on the drip would be enough to get EweJin back on liquids. No, the sore throat won’t go away,until the therapy is all finished. Yes, he should regain hisconfidence to eat again, and bear with the rest of thetreatment.

Any other questions? No, it doesn’t really make a dif-ference how the food is taken - an all-liquid diet is okay, aslong as it’s high calorie, high protein. Any other questions?

Treatment at the hospital was five-star. The nurseswere incredibly cheerful and the medicines worked like acharm. I stayed one night with Ewe Jin and helped untetherhim from the tubes when he needed to go to the toilet.

Saturday he was discharged and Sunday morning hewas bright and perky. Then in the evening the pain cameback. Ewe Jin’s brow furrowed into a frown. And Isnapped. Don’t swing up and down like a yo-yo, anddon’t take me along with you, I said unreasonably.

May 9: Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up feel-ing great, went to church and met with many con-cerned church members who had been praying forme. I could drink my whole bottle of water. When Icame back, I even managed to consume some por-ridge. The ulcers will not disappear overnight but Ithink it is now under control. The doctor has givenme all sorts of medicine to minimise the discom-fort, including local anesthetic administered in jellyform. Through it all, I was sustained by the loveand concern of family members and mentally wished

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all mothers in the family a Happy Mother’s Day.

(Angeline’s thoughts at the end of WeekFour)

We were now in the middle of the therapy. Stage Onecompleted, said the radiologist with a smile. Well, themiddle seemed to be fraught with mood swings, like arollercoaster ride. There were so many ups and downs ina day, I was feeling exhausted from the ride.

Usually mornings held lots of promise. Ewe Jin wouldfeel like he could lick this thing. He’d go about the housedoing his usual chores. Come noon, he’d slow down. By af-ternoon he would retch. And my heart would sink again.

It was a period of contradictions. I was too distractedwith Ewe Jin’s medication to bother with small things -housework, personal grooming. Yet at the same time, smallthings became so very important.

Mother’s Day was yesterday. Ewe Jin was too tiredto “orchestrate” gifts from the boys. A friend’s daughtergave me a rose, another friend’s child gave me a bag ofpotpourri. Somehow, it meant a lot that these friendsshared their Mother’s Day gifts with me.

Unexpected gifts of cash and kind from friends broughta lump to my throat. I’d get teary-eyed when family memberscame to help out - fetch the kids, mop the floor, be around.When Ewe Jin smiled or cracked a joke, it was enough tomake me cry. I guess emotions are heightened by tirednessand insufficient sleep. When it’s all over and I look back onthat period, I’d probably feel silly about being so emotional.At that point, all I knew was I had to work extra hard justto stay on an even keel. Maybe Stage Two would have fewer

crests and troughs. I sure hoped so.

May 19: Today, I completed Dose No 23,with 12 more to go. I can confidently say that Ican see the light at the end of the tunnel. I talkedto a fellow patient, a very nice 50-somethingDatuk, who told me that “radiotherapy is a breezecompared to chemotherapy” which he had toendure after they removed one of his lungs be-cause of his lung cancer. This man is not even asmoker. Another young chap I spoke to had thesame ailment as me, but his was at Stage Twowhen they found out. I did my best to encourageeveryone I met at the clinic. I was indeed blessedto always have a “mini-entourage” with me whenI went for treatment. Financially, we had enoughto meet whatever expenses so far. Jesus is myAnchor in every Storm. A car passed by me withthis sticker on the windscreen. How true indeed!

(Angeline’s thoughts at the end of Week Five)

The countdown had begun. Just 10 more therapy sessionsto go! We saw the light at the end of the tunnel andsuddenly even bad days were bearable. But it was also atthis time that my body decided it had taken enough pun-ishment and gave in to a full-blown bout of flu. Spiri-tual strength is more important than physical strength,but it would help to have both!

These days, Jin smiled a lot more, and the boys wereglad to “have their Pap back”, even if he was “thin likea prairie dog”, as Tim observed. We’ve had to entertainvisitors by the dozens. I guess I was glad Jin had that

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many concerned friends. Still, it was exhausting. Peoplehave tried to be helpful, and some have actually been. Inretrospect, what would have helped the most would havebeen a listening ear, no advice; and yeoman’s services –cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, fetching the kids, pairsof hands and feet when I needed them! I thank Godthere were people around who were sensitive to my needs.

This week, I also received a card addressed to me.Not Jin and me. Such a little gesture, but it meant a lot.Here’s to all caregivers to the sick around the world. Ithink they all deserve medals.

June 4: Hurray, last day of RT! I celebrate bygiving out little teddy bears to the doctor and staffof the Oncology Clinic. The next checkup is in amonth’s time but it will be at least a year beforethe all-clear can be given. I have lost 10kg fromWeek One. Seems like a good slimmingprogramme, radiotherapy!

June 7: It’s our 13th wedding anniversary andalso the day when we go to UH to take the re-sults of my liver and bone scans. Everything isclear – the cancer has not spread! I will still haveto go for check-ups every six months, and recordfive years of remission before I am officially pro-nounced “cured”.

The rainbowThe day before therapy began, we decided to treat our-selves to a seafood dinner before I had to observe dietaryrestrictions. As we sat rather gloomily in the restaurantthat early evening, I looked out and was surprised by thesight of a rainbow, clear and bright, even though therewas not a drop of rain. To me, that was a sign of God’spromise that He would see me through this journey. Iwrote this poem soon after.

A heart so burdenedUnanswered “whys”Turmoil withinDespair and sighs

Spirits batteredThoughts running wild

Then a voice beckoned:Look up, my child

There was my rainbowLighting up my wayGod’s sign to meOn a clear, dry day

Be at peace, my childHave no fear

You think me distantBut I am ever near

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I will send my angelsTo soothe your tired soulRest in me, my childYou won’t walk alone

A promise madeA promise claimed

Thus began my journeyTo my rainbow’s end

Ahead there wasBoth sunshine and rainYet, joy releasedDespite the pain

There was no pot of goldAt my rainbow’s end

But God’s promise of lifeRound every bend

This poem was put to music and the song was sung for the first timewhen I gave my testimony in church. It brought tears to my eyes.

Lessons from the caregiverBy Angeline

It was a whole new world, surreal and cold. Some-time in April 1999, Ewe Jin and I stumbled un-ceremoniously into this new dimension called on-cology.

There is no party-pooper like cancer. Thereseemed to be only losers; it’s just a matter of howmuch you lose. It may be taste buds, hair, organsor loved ones.

Through this storm of physical trauma andemotional upheaval, we were fortunate to have asupportive network of family members and friendsand, above all, an unwavering faith in God.

Ewe Jin was diagnosed with NPC or nasopha-ryngeal carcinoma by doctors at the UniversitiHospital in Petaling Jaya. The cancer, fortunately,was in Stage 1.

The prognosis was good. “Mr Soo, you have ahigher chance of being knocked down by a carthan dying of this,” one doctor cheerfully put itto us. “Anyway, in the past 12 years, we have hada 100 per cent recovery record.”

Ewe Jin was put on a 35-course radiotherapytreatment. We opted to do his therapy at theDamansara Specialist Hospital because there wasa long waiting list at UH.

When we first walked into the Oncology Clinicat Damansara, we saw for the first time the real-ity behind the cancer statistics. The patients

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ranged from young to old, Muslim to Christian,Datuks to plain Pakciks.

We got to know many of them. Some were inStage Two or Three, battling a more tenaciousbrand of malignant cells. Our hearts cried out es-pecially for those who seemed to be all alone intheir suffering.

I wondered, was there any purpose for thistwist of events in our lives? No doubt we willdiscover in due time. For now, we are just thank-ful that God remained faithful to us and saw EweJin and me through this journey.

In the past months, we also gained some in-sights into how to respond to crises in ways thatwill help rather than hinder.

PrayerAs soon as we “raised the alarm”, family andfriends prayed with us and for us. It is an immensesource of comfort to know that this huge cloudof supplication for Ewe Jin was and is still goingup daily to our Heavenly Father!

I must say, though, that Ewe Jin and I haveour own convictions about physical healing. Wehave prayed for sick friends, too, and we knowfrom experience that for every person who ishealed through prayer, at least one other is not.

(I would like to differentiate physical healingfrom a healing of the spirit, which we believecomes to all who seek it.)

So where does it put God when physical heal-

ing does not come? Do we blame the person’sfaithlessness? Is God so petty that He will notheal if there are doubts playing in our minds? IsGod so powerless that little obstacles can get inthe way of His healing?

In Ewe Jin’s case specifically, Ewe Jin and Ihave full confidence that he will be totally healed.But this is based on the doctors’ prognosis as muchas it is on faith in God. If it were a case of StageThree cancer, say, would we be so quick to say itis God’s will that he is healed?

Ultimately, Ewe Jin and I believe that “God isin His heaven and all is right with the world”. Forus, come healing or disease, God is still in charge.We will trust Him fully to unfold our lives for usaccording to His plan.

PrescriptionsIn the short span of two weeks, we were over-loaded with advice on diet, medication and cures.

We accepted them in the spirit they were given,with love. However, the point is that we had beentold in no uncertain terms by the doctor that weshould stay clear of alternative cures for the du-ration of radiotherapy.

Therapy is tiring and trying for both patientand caregiver. And having to listen to endless sto-ries about how a neighbour or colleague was curedby wheatgrass juice or some other herb can wearus out. We don’t really want to know the detailsof someone else’s cancer at that point. This is

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truly a lesson for me. Previously, I proferred suchadvice whenever someone confided in me that aloved one had cancer. Now I know I should justlisten, for that is what helps more.

PresentsAlthough Ewe Jin did not hold a permanent jobthen, we told everyone we could manage finan-cially. Still, when cash was quietly slipped intoour hands or banked into our account, we weregrateful.

We appreciated a half crate of green applesgiven to us for juicing. And a regular supply ofhome-cooked dhal curry. And vitamins to keepour resistance up. Cards and letters also gave muchcomfort.

In short, thoughtful presents given from theheart are always a balm to tired spirits.

I must also share the instance when Ewe Jin’sthroat took such a battering from the X-rays hewas unable to swallow even liquids. He was ad-mitted into hospital to go on the drip.

The one-night stay in hospital set us back byRM1,200. We deliberated over whether we shouldask family and friends for help. After all, the Biblesays ask and you will be given. Then we remem-bered, it says to ask God, so we simply broughtour needs to God.

Within three days, the cash came in three parts– RM500, RM500 and then RM200. What per-fect arithmetic! What a wonderful God!

We learnt to depend only on Him to provide,and are still learning this daily.

PresenceUnlike presents, your presence is less straight-for-ward. To be frank, Ewe Jin and I found some people’spresence uplifting, others’ strength-sapping.

Before you visit someone with cancer, ask your-self the purpose of your visit. Don’t go if it is justto reassure yourself that your loved one is all right.

In all likelihood, the person may be fighting thedisease well but side-effects of therapy are begin-ning to show – perhaps mouth blisters, scorchedskin, a sore throat and so on. In such a condition,having to reassure visitors is no easy task and reallyunfair on the patient!

On the other hand, Ewe Jin has a friend whoshowed up each day at the oncology clinic wherehis radiotherapy was administered. This friend sim-ply waited with Ewe Jin, read his newspaper, thenwent off when the session was over. These visitsbecame a part of his schedule.

He didn’t fuss over Ewe Jin’s progressively ob-vious side effects. He simply offered support bybeing there.

This experience has taught me that when vis-iting a patient, your presence must give supportand comfort, or else it defeats the purpose. Whenin doubt, ask first. If your presence will not help,the caregiver will tell you. Postpone the visit; youcan do your part in other ways.

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Learning is a life-long process. It was certainlya steep learning curve for us. Despite the discom-fort and inconveniences, I believe we have comeout the richer for it.

On July 4, Ewe Jin was scheduled to readscripture in the KL Wesley Methodist Church,where we worship. He thanked the church for itsprayers and support.

He had come a long way. So have I. And weboth know that we would never have made itwithout the enduring goodness of God.

A word from the patientOn the Sunday just before I found out about mycancer, the sermon was about how God nevergives us strength in advance. When we need toclimb a hill, the pastor said, God will give us thestrength to climb a hill. And when we need toclimb a mountain, God will give us the strengthto climb a mountain.

As I went through this tumultuous journey, itwas truly the Lord who sustained me at each turn.God not only sustained and strengthened me butHe ensured that Angeline was my pillar, my for-tress and the tree planted by the water that re-fuses to be moved.

She surprised all of us with her efficient run-ning of the household and making sure that thisinterference caused the minimum amount of dis-turbance to our family. Angeline climbed hills andmountains. She forded raging rivers. With her by

my side, I was able to concentrate on my treat-ment and recovery. Thank you Lord for such awonderful wife!

“Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; saveme and I will be saved, for you are the one Ipraise.” – Jeremiah 17:14

“I am the Lord who heals you.” – Exodus 15:26

This article was published in Wesley Tidings, thechurch newsletter, in 1999

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Ewe Jin’s thoughtsWhen we first thought of putting this booklet to-gether, I wondered if my story was worth the tell-ing. What’s so special about my journey? Manyhave travelled this road before. Many have writ-ten more inspiring books.

But I am convinced that my story is unique inits own way. I lost my fourth sister and my fatherto cancer. I had travelled alongside them on boththeir journeys and each time it was different.

When my sister was diagnosed with cancer, allof us in the family were shocked and we were leftgroping very much in the dark. When I look backon her final months, I realise that she was seekinganswers that none of us could provide then. As thefaraway brother, I could do little more than sendback money and make the occasional trip to seeher. I was there when she breathed her last but felthelpless that I couldn’t do more.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer, Iwas able to offer some comfort. I had found God bythen and just knowing that He cared and would takecare of my father made the journey a bit more bear-able. I spoke to my father of my faith and was therewhen he, too, breathed his last.

Having watched two loved ones go this way,it was a wonder that when it came to my turn, Idid not feel that death had come a-knocking atmy door. Rather, with the promise of eternal lifeassured, I faced my journey with a confidence thatonly faith could provide.

I remember how so many times, I looked atthe worried faces of my visitors and I would teasethem, “Why look at me as though I am going todie?” They asked me for the secret to my peaceand I would reply, “Trust the doctors, and havecomplete faith in God.”

When cancer struck in 1999, I was on the brinkof getting back into the workforce. But the jobthat was supposedly guaranteed to me did notcome. Although I was disappointed at first, Irealised later that my return to work had beentemporarily suspended by a Greater Power be-cause I had to go through this trial first.

Did I pass the test? I cannot give an answerbut I do know that I would have failed miserablyif I did not have a Personal Saviour for comfortand for guidance. I clung to the belief that “weare never given more than we can bear”.

Exactly one year later, when the effects of myradiotherapy were long gone, I was able to get ajob at The Star, where I am currently employed.

Wonders never cease. This booklet had to becondensed so that you can get a quick tour ofwhat I went through and I had to leave many sto-ries untold. What made the difference and whywas this journey so special? The answer is: Godmade the difference.

Angeline’s thoughtsWe licked it. We all did: Ewe Jin, I, our boys Kevinand Tim, our huge extended families, many faith-

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ful friends – and, most of all, a loving God whois the source of our strength and hope. Now, threeyears after Ewe Jin was diagnosed with cancer,he is in complete remission.

As the main caregiver to Ewe Jin during hisillness, I often found myself on a roller coaster,emotionally. It was an uncomfortable ride, as Iam basically a matter-of-fact kind of person andnot given to great shows of emotion.

A major personal battle was learning to “walkthe talk”, so to speak, and put my trust wholly inGod. This was not easy even after many years asa Christian. Ewe Jin had been my pillar ofstrength in everything, from career decisions topaying the bills. It was a frightening experienceto suddenly discover there may be cracks in thepillar.

I also worried about being left to bring up thechildren alone. This was a dreadful thought, notleast because Ewe Jin has always been a partici-pative parent and does more than his share withthe boys.

I felt as if I was walking a tightrope with nosafety net below. More than once, I collapsed intears of despair when I had time to be by myself.The going seemed too hard to bear.

Only when I was totally drained and could nolonger carry my burden in my own strength, did Isurrender and let God take over. And when I did,how sweet was the relief that came! I no longerworried about the “hows” and “what ifs”.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, formy power is made perfect in weakness.’” – 2 Corinthians12:9.

Yes, the journey was rough. But through it all,God proved ever faithful. With Him by my side,I can face anything – even death.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadowof death, I fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rodand Thy staff, they comfort me.” – Psalm 23:4

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I wrote this the week after my doctors gave me the five-year all-clear report on April 7 2004. It was indeed anemotinonal day for me even as I was prepared for thegood news. I brought my camera along to take pictures ofmyself with Dr Gurcharan Singh and Dr AwalHassan.

The God that healeth meOn June 7, 1999, I wrote in my journal: It’s our13th wedding anniversary and also the day whenwe go to UH to take the results of my liver andbone scans. Everything is clear. The cancer in mynose has not spread! I will still have to go for check-ups every six months, and record five years of re-mission before Iam officially pronounced “cured”.

On April 7, 2004, my doctors at DamansaraSpecialist Hospital declared me cancer-free, ex-actly five years after it was discovered and treated.I had been in remission all this time but the five-year mark is considered crucial from the doctors’point of view. God the Healer, of course, workson a different timetable and His assurance of myhealing came very much earlier. But I am gladthat the doctors can medically prove what Hehas promised. Although the news was expected,the day still proved to be quite emotional for me.

I sent out the SMS while still in the hospitaland the replies came back fast and furious. I wasvery touched that friends really shouted with joyupon hearing the good news. Some of you mayhave already heard my testimony, and some of

you might have already read the book written bymy wife and me entitled Face to Face with Cancer.

Five years ago, I was full of questions as towhy I had to battle the Big C. Today, I believe Ihave no reason to doubt that the trial I had to gothrough has strengthened me tremendously. Ithank God for it. This is my testimony.

The Journey: I Am The God That Healeth Thee.How many times I had listened to Don Moen singthis song. God Heals. We all know that. But heal-ing must not be limited to just physically healing.I am fortunate in that respect but I must also saythat in this five-year period, I have also lostfriends to cancer. My wife and I have our ownconvictions about physical healing.

We have prayed for sick friends, too, and weknow from experience that for every person whois healed through prayer, at least one other is not.(I would like to differentiate physical healing froma healing of the spirit, which we believe comesto all who seek it.) So where does it put God whenphysical healing does not come? Do we blamethe person’s faithlessness? Is God so petty thatHe will not heal if there are doubts playing in ourminds? Is God so powerless that little obstaclescan get in the way of His healing?

In my case specifically, our confidence is basedon the doctors’ prognosis as much as it is on faithin God. At all times, we believed “God is in Hisheaven and all is right with the world”. For us,come healing or disease, God is still in charge. I

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have learnt to trust Him fully to unfold my lifefor me according to His plan. Though I wentthrough suffering in the early days, I also knowthat suffering produces perseverance; persever-ance, character; and character, hope. And hopedoes not disappoint us, because God has pouredout his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit,whom he has given us.

God The Provider: At the time when I wasundergoing the journey, I was enjoying one of mystints as full-time father. This meant that I wasnot covered by any company scheme and every-thing that we had to spend on had to come fromsomewhere else. God’s providence shone tremen-dously during this time. All bills were taken careof with the generous donations from family andfriends.

Perhaps this was best exemplified when I hadto be warded one day and the bill came up toRM1,200. Where was the money going to comefrom, we asked. Already we had been given somuch for the anticipated bills but this was unex-pected. We knew if we called up people, theywould respond but we decided to get down onour knees to pray instead. Over the next threedays, three cheques came in, two RM500 chequesand one RM200 cheque. Talk about God the per-fect mathematician.

The Purpose becomes clearer with the ben-efit of hindsight. My experience has certainlymade me a better counsellor to those who are

beginning the same journey. I am able to offeradvice that is practical and useful, and speakwords of comfort that don’t sound hollow. I guessit’s a bit like being swimming a coach who getsinto the water with his students, rather than justshouting instructions from the poolside. In fact,the nurses at my onco’s clinic have my phonenumber handy, and they give it out to new pa-tients who are distraught and need someone totalk to. I count that as a privilege, for in helpingothers in this way, I myself have been trulyblessed.

And finally, the Perspective I have gained isone of Thankfulness. There are a million thingswe should thank God for the moment we wakeup each morning, but too often we take them allfor granted. I try to impart this attitude of thank-fulness to people whose paths cross mine. I havegiven my Cancer booklet to colleagues who areburdened by job problems,or friends goingthrough a rough patch, and each time they callback to say that my story has helped them to takea step back from their problems and to realisethat they are really very fortunate indeed.

Yes, cancer does have a way of making otherproblems seem small!

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The Ten Commandments forcancer survival

1. Thou shall regard the word “cancer,” as ex-actly that: a word. Nothing more, nothingless. For its original meaning has changedmightily over the years, as have such wordsas smallpox and polio, all once dreaded ail-ments, now non-existent as maladies. Andthus shalt go thy cancer. The answer shallcome to those who shall be present to hearit. Be present when it comes.

2. Thou shalt love thy chemotherapy, thy ra-diation, and thy other treatments even as thy-self, for they are thy friends and champions.Although they exact a toll for theirendeavours, they are oft most generous inthe favours they bestow.

3. Thou shalt participate fully in thy recovery.Thou shall learn all the details of thy ailment,its diagnosis, its prognosis, its treatments, con-ventional and alternative. Thou shalt discussthem openly and candidly with thy oncolo-gist and shalt question all thou do not com-prehend. Then, thou shalt cooperate intelli-gently and knowledgeably with thy doctor.

4. Thou shalt regard thy ailment as a tempo-rary detour in thy life and shalt plan thy fu-ture as though this detour had not occurred.Thou shalt never, at no time, no how, regard

thy temporary ailment as permanent. Thoushalt set long-term goals for thyself for thouWILL verily recover and thy believing so willcontribute mightily to thy recovery.

5. Thou shalt express thy feelings candidly andopenly to thy loved ones for they, too, arestricken. Thou shalt comfort and reassurethem for they, too, needest comforting andreassurance, even as thou doest.

6. Thou shalt be a comfort to thy fellow-cancerites, providing knowledge, encourage-ment, understanding and love. Thou shallgive them hope where there may be none,for only in hope lies their salvation. And bydoing so, thou providest comfort for thyself,as well.

7. Thou shalt never relinquish hope, no matterhow thou may feelest at that moment, forthou knowest, in the deep recesses of thyheart, that thy discouragement is but fleet-ing and that a better day awaits thee.

8. Thou shalt not regard thy ailment as the sumtotal of thy life but as merely a part of it. Fillyour life with other diversions, be they mun-dane, daring, altruistic, or merely amusing.To fill your life with thy ailment is to surren-der to it.

9. Thou shalt maintain, at all times and in allcircumstances, thy sense of humour, forlaughter lightens thy heart and hastens thy

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recovery. This is not an easy task, sometimesseemingly impossible, but it is a goal wellworth the endeavour.

10. Thou shalt have enduring and unassailablefaith, whether thy faith be in a Supreme Be-ing, in Medical Science, in Thy Future, inThyself, or in Whatever. Steadfastly sustainthy faith for it shall sustain thee.

By Paul H KleinSource: www.lymphomation.org

DON’T quit when the tide is lowest,

For it’s just about to turn;Don’t quit over doubts and questions,For there’s something you may learn.

Don’t quit when the night is darkest,For it’s just a while ‘til dawn;Don’t quit when you’ve run the farthest,For the race is almost won.

Don’t quit when the hill is steepest,For your goal is almost nigh;Don’t quit, for you’re not a failureUntil you fail to try.

– Jill Wolf

Don’t quit