Preventing & Managing Girl Bullying and Friendship Dramas

Surviving

Girlhood

Aims & Objectives • To define bullying, and understand how female and male

bullying may differ• To explore Relational Aggression and understanding girl

relationships• To define and explore the Drama Cycle as a conduit for peer

pressure • To explore needs, beliefs, and values as foundations for

behaviour • To explore the five key themes of Surviving Girlhood to build

girl awareness and understanding• To explore and practice the Surviving Girlhood activities and

resources

Introducing Surviving Girlhood

About Full Circle

What We Do

What We Do

Why Girls? Why Bullying?

Why Girls? Why Bullying?• Half of all births in the developing world are to adolescent

girls• 75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in

negative activities like cutting, bullying, smoking, drinking, or disordered eating.

• Teen girls that have a negative view of themselves are 4 times more likely to take part in activities with boys that they've ended up regretting later.

• 7 in 10 girls believe that they are not good enough or don’t measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school and relationships with friends and family members.

• The UK has one of the highest rates of self-harm in Europe, at 400 per 100,000 population (Clinical Medicine, 2002), and studies estimate as many as 10% of the population may have self-harmed in the past or may injure themselves on a regular basis

• Girls were 15 times more likely than boys to contact ChildLine about self-harm

• 1 in 10 children and young people aged 5 - 16 suffer from a diagnosable mental health disorder - that is around three children in every class

• Bullying is symptomatic of wider problems

Why Girls? Why Bullying?

Meet Sophie….

Pressures

Conflicting Messages

Physical & Hormonal Changes

Unmet Needs

Understanding Bullying “Bullying is generally considered to be deliberate, hurtful behavior, repeated over a period of time, where a sense of powerlessness can make it difficult for the victim to defend

him or herself. Bullying can occur in three main ways: physical, verbal or indirect.”

• Physical (e.g. hitting, kicking, theft) • Verbal (e.g. name calling, racist remarks)

• Indirect (e.g. spreading rumors, excluding someone) • Cyber Bullying (e.g. bullying by text message, email, online)

Girl Bullying • There is not much difference in the reported level of

bullying by girls or boys, but the tactics they use are often different

• Girls are more likely to utilise relational and emotional tactics, such as spreading rumours, giving dirty looks, ostracising someone, etc., than attacking physically

• Growing rise in both boys and girls using technology to bully - cyber bullying

• Often, incidents of girl bullying can go under the radar, unnoticed by adults as it appears to be girls “falling out” or dismissed as friendship issues

The Escalation Model

ConfrontExclusions

Escalate it furtherAgencies Involved

Adult ResponseLevel of Behaviour

Low Level Behaviour

Hitting; gossip; friendship issues

Disruptive Behaviour

Continual disruption; physical violence;

relationship breakdown

IntenseBehaviour

Deflect / IgnoreIneffective Response

Pay it ‘lip service’Adults contributing to the

problem

Avoid / InconsistentIgnore the behaviour

MinimiseDismiss as a ‘one off’

HIGH

The Bullying Cycle

The Surviving Girlhood Background & Ethos

• Aimed at reducing girl bullying by preventing and responding to the friendship issues that escalate to cause bullying

• An “inside-out” ethos – starting with a girl’s inner development

• Building girls self awareness, self respect and relationship with herself, to enable better relationships with others

• Not an overt focus on bullying

Stopping Bullying Promoting

Positive Relationships

Focus on tackling bullying, punishing

bullies and encouraging victims

to speak out

Focus on creating a positive relationship with self & others; creating an atmosphere of respect & safety

Relational Aggression• Relational aggression is behaviour that is intended to harm

someone by damaging or manipulating his or her relationships with others (Crick and Grotpeter, 1995).

• Two distinctions of relational aggression include proactive and reactive relational aggression:

• Proactive behaviours are a means for achieving a goal (e.g. may need to exclude someone to maintain your own social status) Example: A girl is mad at another girl for being “more popular” so she spreads a sexual rumour about her to ruin her reputation.

• Reactive relational aggression is a defensive response to provocation with intent to retaliate. Example: A child is being teased repeatedly in school and then becomes a teaser himself for protection.

What does RA look like?• Direct Control (i.e. “You can’t be my friend unless…”)• Social Alienation (i.e. giving peers the silent

treatment)• Rejection (i.e. telling rumors or lies about a peer so

that others in the group will reject him or her)• Social Exclusion (i.e. excluding a peer from play or a

social group) (Crick, Casas, & Nelson, as cited in Yoon, et al., 2004, p. 304)

• Negative Body Language or Facial Expressions (Simmons, 2002, p. 21)

Why do girls engage in RA?• Power is found in relationships – popularity, having a

wide social circle (in real life or online), having a romantic relationship - linked to status

• Girls can lack the skills to sort out problems in a positive manner using language

• Socialised to act feminine, not be aggressive or fight physically, and not to engage in open conflict/confrontation

• Relationally aggressive acts go under the radar of adults (Simmons, 2002)

The Drama Triangle

Victim(Blameless)

Rescuer(Acceptance )

DramaTriangle

Persecutor(Power)

The persecutor exerts their power over others physically or emotionally and may feel locked in this position, for fear of losing control or appearing vulnerable and a victim themselves.

The victim may have a “poor me” attitude with a perception of themselves and their actions as without fault or blame. They may take little responsibility in resolving conflict. The rescuer may

continually be the physical and emotional supporter of the victim; a role which can become a burden or lead to accepting the full weight of responsibility for the victim and a sense of martyrdom.

Inconsistent friendships in

girl group; girls constantly

making and breaking friends

Leads to prolonged relationally aggressive behaviour, girl group dramas and pervasive

bullying

Leads to learnt behaviour and

consistently inauthentic

relationships & lack of social connections

Leads to insecure, inauthentic and

harmful romantic relationships (individuals)

Creates a culture of disrespect,

disharmony, conflict and disconnection

(collective – school/community

level)

Consequences of Relationship Dramas

Girl Group Roles• Queen Bee• Banker• Floater• Sidekick • Messenger• Wannabe• Target

Girl Relationships • As girls reach adolescence, huge changes in their

physical, emotional and social being take place • Girls become more self-conscious during adolescence -

the safety of a group is paramount• Girls’ brains are ‘hard-wired’ to care about one-on-one

relationships while the brains of boys are more attuned to group dynamics and competition with other boys.

• At a time of great personal change and upheaval, being singled out to be ‘different’ is a danger. The friendship group represent safety

Boys…• Have a greater need for physical activity

• Fight physically, not verbally, and then it’s over - anger manifests physically; better able to argue or fight it out and then move on – girls hold a grudge

• Forge friendships around interests rather than emotional connection

• Have feelings, too

Function of Aggression in Girls• Gain a reputation for toughness

• Power!

• Social identify and status

• Boyfriends are ‘emotional possessions’ – issues of ownership and control

• Refuge – protection from abuse , male to female violence

• Gang - sense of belonging, family, safety

Theme 1: Being Me• Theme 1 builds girls’ understanding of themselves

• Explores needs, beliefs, and values

• Linking needs and beliefs as drivers for behaviour

• Exploring whether our behaviour is in contrast to our values – does this create internal conflict?

• Building a better relationship with ourselves helps us to build better relationships with others

Meeting Needs • Everything we do is a way for us to meet a need we have –

whether we’re conscious of it or not• Physical, emotional, social needs are greater in adolescence • Friendships are a place for us to meet our needs, particularly if

our key relationships are not stable or don’t provide us with what we need

• When our intrinsic needs are not met, we may seek to meet them in any way possible e.g. the need for attention being displayed as unruly and disruptive behaviour in the classroom

• Unmet needs lead to girl bullying and friendship issues• Looking to one person to meet a high proportion of our

needs is risky – e.g. a best friend

Meeting Our Needs

Low Self Esteem

Negative Outcome (Feelings, Behaviour, Actions of Others)

Seeking to Meet Needs

Unresource-fully

Unmet Needs

ThoughtsUnbalanced,

Pessimistic, Critical

FeelingsAnger, Fear,

Distrust, Anxiety

BehaviourDestructive,

Avoidant, Inappropriate

ThoughtsBalanced, Optimistic, Aware of Alternatives

FeelingsHappy, Calm,

Relaxed, At Ease

BehaviourAppropriate,

Measured, Constructive

Thoughts-Feelings-Behaviour

Needs–Beliefs-Values• Our needs can drive our beliefs, which in turn create

our values• Our beliefs are wide-ranging, not just “I believe in

something”, rather, our beliefs are often unconscious thoughts we hold true about every aspect our ourselves, our lives, the world around us

• Our beliefs create our perceptions – how we see the world

• Beliefs form values: what we see is important. We can experience problems when our actions conflict with our values.

Who is your ‘Sophie’?• Discuss your own ‘Sophie’ with a partner• What needs may she have that could be

going unmet? What needs does she seek to meet in negative or unresourceful ways?

• What is her belief system?• What values have her key role models

instilled in her? What’s important to her?

The ‘OK Corral’

“I’m OK; You’re OK” “I’m OK; You’re not OK”

“I’m not OK; You’re OK” “I’m not OK; You’re not OK”

The ‘OK Corral’

“I’m OK; You’re OK”Secure attachments

High self esteemHigh sociability

Trusting and accepting of othersPositive self imageOptimistic outlook

“I’m OK; You’re not OK”Anxious attachments

Fearful; angry; boastfulExaggerated self image

Inability to relate to othersLow trust in others

“Dangerous world” and defensive mentalityHigher sociability

“I’m not OK; You’re OK”Dismissive attachments

Low self esteemLow confidence & sociability

Poor self imageVictim mentality

Negative self perception; exaggerated positive perception of others

“I’m not OK; You’re not OK”Fearful attachments

Low self esteemLow sociability

Victim – persecutor mentality (cycles of being both)Negative perception of self and world

Pessimistic outlook

The Interconnectedness of Relationships

The Language of Conflict Resolution

Providing girls with the language to resolve conflict

• ‘I’ statements• Expressing feelings• Understanding needs• RESTORATIVE APPROACHES

Best Practice

Prevention Reporting and Recording

Intervention and Support

Monitoring

Creating the Right EthosSet the tone in the school; communicate expectations; rule with authority and dominance or favor collaboration and connection. This is communicated to staff and parents.

Principal, Senior Staff

All other staff;

parents

Pupils

Cascade down the mindset and attitudes of senior staff and head teacher. Poor leadership from above becomes poor teaching and poor relationships with pupils. Parents support the school, or not, creating harmony or discord

Consciously and unconsciously act upon the attitudes of adults; poor leadership translates into poor behavior. A lack of pride, hope or belief from above translates into poor attendance, behavior and academic results.

Prevention • Ensure that policy reflects practice, and vice-versa• Train staff to notice and respond to girl bullying and relationship

issues• Discuss friendship, conflict, and relational aggression tactics

when exploring other forms of bullying (remember the escalation model!)

• Model positive behaviour• The Four C’s:

– Consistent– Co-ordinated– Cohesive– Communicated

1. Speak to each individual separately, including bystanders– What happened?– What did you see? What happened next?– Who was responsible?

2. Create a written record; share with other staff as needed3. Create a plan of action

– Validate the stories and ensure the allegations are true– Enforce consequences for breaking the rules– Inform parents (if necessary)

4. Plan of action for the victim – what do they want to see happen next? (e.g. mediation, move to a different class)

5. Monitor situation

.

Intervention and SupportA step-by-step approach

Contact UsFull Circle Education Solutions

www.myfullcircle.org

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