Praise forHow to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

“THE PARENTING BIBLE.”

—THEBOSTONGLOBE

“WILL BRING ABOUT MORE COOPERATION FROM CHILDREN THAN ALL THE YELLING AND

PLEADING IN THE WORLD.”

—THECHRISTIANSCIENCEMONITOR

“AN EXCELLENT BOOK THAT’S APPLICABLE TO ANY RELATIONSHIP.”

—THEWASHINGTONPOST

“PRACTICAL, SENSIBLE, LUCID . . . THE APPROACHES FABER AND MAZLISH LAY OUT ARE SO

LOGICAL YOU WONDER WHY YOU READ THEM WITH SUCH A BURST OF DISCOVERY.”

—THEFAMILYJOURNAL

“AN EXCEPTIONAL WORK, NOT SIMPLY JUST ANOTHER ‘HOW-TO’ BOOK . . . ALL PARENTS CAN USE THESE METHODS TO IMPROVE THE EVERYDAY QUALITY OF THEIR

RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR CHILDREN.”

—FORTWORTHSTAR-TELEGRAM

30th–Anniversary Edition

Updated with new insights from the next generation YOU CAN STOP FIGHTING WITH YOUR CHILDREN!

Here is the bestselling book that will give you the know-how you need to be

moreeffective with your children—and moresupportive of yourself. Enthusiastically

praised by parents and professionals around the world, the down-to-earth, respectful

approach of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish makes relationships with children of all

agesless stressfuland more rewarding. Now, in this thirtieth-anniversary edition, these

award-winning experts share their latest insights and suggestions based on feedback

they’ve received over the years.

Their methods of communication—illustrated with delightful cartoons showing the

skills in action—offer innovative ways to solve common problems. You’ll learn how

to:

• Cope with your child’s negative feelings

—frustration, disappointment, anger, etc.

• Express your anger without being hurtful

• Engage your child’s willing cooperation

• Set firm limits and still maintain goodwill

• Use alternatives to punishment

• Resolve family conflicts peacefully

Internationally acclaimed experts on communication between adults and

children,ADELE FABERand ELAINEMAZLISHhave won the gratitude of parents and the

enthusiastic endorsement of the professional community. The authors‘ group

workshop programs and videos produced by PBS are being used by parents and

teachers around the world to improve relationships with children. They studied with

the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott and are former members of the faculty of

the New School for Social Research and the Family Life Institute of Long Island

University. They currently reside in Long Island, New York, and each is the parent of

three children.

MEET THE AUTHORS, WATCH VIDEOS AND MORE AT

SimonandSchuster.com

• THE SOURCE FOR READING GROUPS •

JACKET DESIGN BY REX BONOMELLI

JACKET ILLUSTRATION BY KIMBERLY ANN COE

COPYRIGHT © 2012 SIMON & SCHUSTER

Other Books by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Between Brothers and Sisters:

A Celebration of Life’s Most Enduring Relationship

Liberated Parents/Liberated Children:

Your Guide to a Happier Family

Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children

Live Together So You Can Live Too

How to Talk So Kids Can Learn: At Home and at School

How to Be the Parent You Always Wanted to Be

How to Talk So Teens Will Listen

& Listen So Teens Will Talk

Books for Children Bobby and the Brockles

Bobby and the Brockles Go to School

Visit Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish at

www.fabermazlish.com

Scribner

A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

www.simonandschuster.com

Copyright © 1980 by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Afterword to 1999 edition by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Afterword to 2012 edition by Joanna Faber.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book

or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Scribner

Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Scribner hardcover edition February 2012

SCRIBNER and design are registered trademarks

of The Gale Group, Inc., used under license by

Simon & Schuster, Inc., the publisher of this work.

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contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website

atwww.simonspeakers.com.

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ISBN 978-1-4516-6387-7

ISBN 978-1-4516-6389-1 (ebook)

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Contents

Acknowledgments

A Letter to Readers

How to Read and Use This Book

Chapter 1. Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

Chapter 2. Engaging Cooperation

Chapter 3. Alternatives to Punishment

Chapter 4. Encouraging Autonomy

Chapter 5. Praise

Chapter 6. Freeing Children from Playing Roles

Chapter 7. Putting It All Together

What’s It All About, Anyway?

Afterword

Many Years Later

I. The Letters

II. Yes, but . . . What if . . . How about . . . ?

III. Their Native Tongue

30th Anniversary

The Next Generation

Some Books You May Find Interesting

For Further Study . . .

Index

Acknowledgments

To Leslie Faber and Robert Mazlish, our consultants-in-residence, who were always

there for us—with a better phrase, a new thought, a word of encouragement.

To Carl, Joanna, and Abram Faber, to Kathy, Liz, and John Mazlish, who cheered

us on—just by being who they are.

To Kimberly Coe, who took our stick figures and scribbled instructions and sent us

back drawings of parents and children for whom we felt immediate affection.

To Robert Markel for his support and guidance at a critical time.

To Gerard Nierenberg, friend and advisor, who gave generously of his experience

and expertise.

To the parents in our workshops for their thoughtful feedback and written

contributions.

To Ann Marie Geiger and Patricia King for giving of themselves unstintingly when

we needed them.

To Jim Wade, our editor, whose unflagging good spirits and concern for quality

made him a joy to work with.

To Dr. Haim Ginott, who introduced us to new ways of communicating with

children. When he died, the children of the world lost a great champion. He cared so

much that there be “no more scratches on their souls.”

A Letter to Readers

Dear Reader,

The last thing we ever thought we’d be doing was writing a “how-to” book on

communication skills for parents. The relationship between each parent and child is a

very personal and private matter. The idea of giving anyone instructions on how to

talk in such a close relationship just didn’t feel right to us. In our first book,Liberated

Parents/Liberated Children, we tried not to teach or preach. We had a story to tell.

Our years of workshops with the late child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott had affected

our lives deeply. We were sure that if we told the story of how our new skills had

changed the way we treated both our children and ourselves, that our readers would

catch the spirit behind the skills and be inspired to improvise on their own.

To some extent it did work that way. Many parents wrote to tell us proudly of what

they had been able to accomplish in their homes just from reading about our

experiences. But there were other letters, and a common appeal ran through them all.

They wanted a second book—a book with “lessons” . . . “practice exercises” . . .

“rules of thumb” . . . “tear-out reminder pages” . . . some kind of materials that would

help them to learn the skills “step-by-step.”

For a while we considered the idea seriously, but our initial resistance returned and

we pushed the thought to the back of our minds. Besides, we were too busy

concentrating on the speeches and workshops we were preparing for our lecture tours.

During the next few years we traveled around the country, conducting workshops

for parents, teachers, school principals, hospital staffs, teenagers, and child-care

workers. Wherever we went, people shared with us their personal experiences with

these new methods of communication—their doubts, their frustrations, and their

enthusiasm. We were grateful to them for their openness and we learned from them

all. Our files were bulging with exciting new material.

Meanwhile, the mail continued to come in, not only from the United States but from

France, Canada, Israel, New Zealand, the Philippines, India. Mrs. Anagha Ganpule

from New Delhi wrote:

“There are so many problems about which I would like to take your advice. . . .

Please let me know what I could do to study the subject in depth. I am at a dead end.

The old ways do not suit me, and I do not have the new skills. Please help me get over

this.”

That was the letter that did it.

We started to think again about the possibility of writing a book that showed “how.”

The more we talked about it, the more comfortable we became with the idea. Why not

a “how-to” book with exercises so that parents could teach themselves the skills they

wanted to know?

Why not a book that would give parents a chance to practice what they’ve learned

at their own pace—either by themselves or with a friend?

Why not a book with hundreds of examples of helpful dialogues so that parents

could adapt this new language to their own personal style?

The book could have cartoons that would show the skills in action, so that a harried

parent could glance at a picture and give himself or herself a quick refresher course.

We’d personalize the book. We’d talk about our own experiences, answer the most

commonly asked questions, and include the stories and new insights that parents in

our groups have shared with us over the past six years. But, most important, we’d

always keep sight of our larger goal—the constant search for methods that affirm the

dignity and humanity of both parents and children.

Suddenly our original uneasiness about writing a “how-to” book vanished. Every

other art or science has its skill books. Why not one for parents who want to learn how

to talk so their kids will listen, and listen so their kids will talk?

Once we decided, we started writing rapidly. We hope to get a complimentary copy

off to Mrs. Ganpule in New Delhi before her children are grown.

Adele Faber

Elaine Mazlish

How to Read

and Use This Book

It seems presumptuous for us to be telling anyone else how to read a book

(particularly when both of us have been known to start books in the middle or even

read them backward). But since this is our book we’d like to tell you how we think it

should be tackled. After you’ve gotten the feel of it by flipping through and glancing

at the cartoons, start with Chapter I. Actually dothe exercises as you go along. Resist

the temptation to skip over them and get to the “good parts.” If you have a compatible

friend with whom to work on the exercises, so much the better. We hope you’ll talk

and argue and discuss your answers at length.

We also hope you’ll write your answers down so that this book becomes a personal

record for you. Write neatly or illegibly, change your mind and cross out or erase, but

do write.

Read the book slowly. It took us more than ten years to learn the ideas in it. We

don’t suggest that you take that long to read it; but if the methods suggested here

make sense to you, you might want to make some changes, and it’s easier to change a

little at a time than all at once. After you’ve read a chapter, lay the book aside and

give yourself a week to do the assignment before going on. (You may be thinking,

“With everything else I have to do, the last thing I need is an assignment!”

Nevertheless, experience tells us that the discipline of having to put skills into action

and record the results helps put the skills where they belong—inside you.)

Finally, you may wonder why some portions of this book, which is written by two

people, are told from the point of view of one person. It was our way of solving the

bothersome problem of constantly having to identify who was speaking about whose

experience. It seemed to us that “I” would be easier for our readers than a constant

repetition of “I, Adele Faber . . .” or “I, Elaine Mazlish. . . .” As for our conviction of

the value of the ideas in this book, we speak in unison. We have both seen these

methods of communication at work with our own families and with thousands of

others. It is a great pleasure for us to share them with you now.

All we are given is possibilities—

to make ourselves one thing or another.

JOSÉORTEGA YGASSET

1| Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

PART I I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else

was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

Living with real children can be humbling. Every morning I would tell myself,

“Today is going to be different,” and every morning was a variation of the one before:

“You gave her more than me!” . . . “That’s the pink cup. I want the blue cup.” . . .

“This oatmeal looks like throw-up.” . . . “He punched me.” . . . “I never touched him!”

. . . “I won’t go to my room. You’re not the boss over me!”

They finally wore me down. And though it was the last thing I ever dreamed I’d be

doing, I joined a parent group. The group met at a local child-guidance center and was

led by a young psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott.

The meeting was intriguing. The subject was “children’s feelings,” and the two

hours sped by. I came home with a head spinning with new thoughts and a notebook

full of undigested ideas:

Direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave.

When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.

How do we help them to feel right?

By accepting their feelings!

Problem—Parents don’t usually accept their children’s feelings. For example:

“You don’t really feel that way.”

“You’re just saying that because you’re tired.”

“There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kids. Also teaches themnotto know

what their feelings are—not to trust them.

After the session I remember thinking, “Maybe other parents do that. I don’t.” Then

I started listening to myself. Here are some sample conversations from my home—

just from a single day.

CHILD: Mommy, I’m tired.

ME: You couldn’t be tired. You just napped.

CHILD: (louder) But I’m tired.

ME: You’re not tired. You’re just a little sleepy. Let’s get dressed.

CHILD: (wailing) No, I’m tired!

CHILD: Mommy, it’s hot in here.

ME: It’s cold. Keep your sweater on.

CHILD: No, I’m hot.

ME: I said, “Keep your sweater on!”

CHILD: No, I’m hot.

CHILD: That TV show was boring.

ME: No, it wasn’t. It was very interesting.

CHILD: It was stupid.

ME: It was educational.

CHILD: It stunk.

ME: Don’t talk that way!

Can you see what was happening? Not only were all our conversations turning into

arguments, I was also telling my children over and over again not to trust their own

perceptions but to rely on mine instead.

Once I was aware of what I was doing, I was determined to change. But I wasn’t

sure how to go about it. What finally helped me most was actually putting myself in

my children’s shoes. I asked myself, “Suppose I were a child who was tired, or hot or

bored? And suppose I wanted that all-important grown-up in my life to know what I

was feeling . . . ?”

Over the next weeks I tried to tune in to what I thought my children might be

experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally. I wasn’t just

using a technique. I really meant it when I said, “So you’re still feeling tired—even

though you just napped.” Or “I’m cold, but for you it’s hot in here.” Or “I can see you

didn’t care much for that show.” After all, we were two separate people, capable of

having two different sets of feelings. Neither of us was right or wrong. We each felt

what we felt.

For a while, my new skill was a big help. There was a noticeable reduction in the

number of arguments between the children and me. Then one day my daughter

announced, “I hate Grandma,” and it was my mother she was talking about. I never

hesitated for a second. “That is a terrible thing to say,” I snapped. “You know you

don’t mean it. I don’t ever want to hear that coming out of your mouth again.”

That little exchange taught me something else about myself. I could be very

accepting about most of the feelings the children had, but let one of them tell me

something that made me angry or anxious and I’d instantly revert to my old way.

I’ve since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. On the following page

you’ll find examples of other statements children make that often lead to an automatic

denial from their parents. Please read each statement and jot down what you think a

parent might say if he were denying his child’s feelings.

I. CHILD: I don’t like the new baby.

PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

II. CHILD: I had a dumb birthday party. (After you went “all out” to make it a

wonderful day.)

PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

III. CHILD: I’m not wearing this stupid retainer anymore. It hurts. I don’t care what the

orthodontist says!

PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

IV. CHILD: I hate that new coach! Just because I was one minute late he kicked me off

the team.

PARENT: (denying the feeling)

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

Did you find yourself writing things like:

“That’s not so. I know in your heart you really love the baby.”

“What are you talking about? You had a wonderful party—ice cream, birthday

cake, balloons. Well, that’s the last party you’ll ever have!”

“Your retainer can’t hurt that much. After all the money we’ve invested in your

mouth, you’ll wear that thing whether you like it or not!”

“You have no right to be mad at the coach. It’s your fault. You should have been on

time.”

Somehow this kind of talk comes easily to many of us. But how do children feel

when they hear it? In order to get a sense of what it’s like to have one’s feelings

dismissed, try the following exercise:

Imagine that you’re at work. Your employer asks you to do an extra job for him. He

wants it ready by the end of the day. You mean to take care of it immediately, but

because of a series of emergencies that come up you completely forget. Things are so

hectic, you barely have time for your own lunch.

As you and a few coworkers are getting ready to go home, your boss comes over to

you and asks for the finished piece of work. Quickly you try to explain how unusually

busy you were today.

He interrupts you. In a loud, angry voice he shouts, “I’m not interested in your

excuses! What the hell do you think I’m paying you for—to sit around all day on your

butt?” As you open your mouth to speak, he says, “Save it,” and walks off to the

elevator.

Your coworkers pretend not to have heard. You finish gathering your things and

leave the office. On the way home you meet a friend. You’re still so upset that you

find yourself telling him or her what had just taken place.

Your friend tries to “help” you in eight different ways. As you read each response,

tune in to your immediate “gut” reaction and then write it down. (There are no right or

wrong reactions. Whatever you feel is right for you.)

I. Denial of Feelings:“There’s no reason to be so upset. It’s foolish to feel that way.

You’re probably just tired and blowing the whole thing out of proportion. It can’t be

as bad as you make it out to be. Come on, smile . . . You look so nice when you

smile.”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

II. The Philosophical Response:“Look, life is like that. Things don’t always turn out the

way we want. You have to learn to take things in stride. In this world, nothing is

perfect.”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

III. Advice:“You know what I think you should do? Tomorrow morning go straight to your

boss’s office and say, ‘Look, I was wrong.’ Then sit right down and finish that piece

of work you neglected today. Don’t get trapped by those little emergencies that come

up. And if you’re smart and you want to keep that job of yours, you’ll make sure

nothing like that ever happens again.”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

IV.Questions:“What exactly were those emergencies you had that would cause you to

forget a special request from your boss?”

“Didn’t you realize he’d be angry if you didn’t get to it immediately?”

“Has this ever happened before?”

“Why didn’t you follow him when he left the room and try to explain again?”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

V. Defense of the Other Person:“I can understand your boss’s reaction. He’s probably

under terrible pressure. You’re lucky he doesn’t lose his temper more often.”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

VI. Pity:“Oh, you poor thing. That is terrible! I feel so sorry for you, I could just cry.”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

VII. Amateur Psychoanalysis:“Has it ever occurred to you that the real reason you’re so

upset by this is because your employer represents a father figure in your life? As a

child you probably worried about displeasing your father, and when your boss scolded

you it brought back your early fears of rejection. Isn’t that true?”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

VIII. An Empathic Response(an attempt to tune into the feelings of another): “Boy, that

sounds like a rough experience. To be subjected to an attack like that in front of other

people, especially after having been under so much pressure, must have been pretty

hard to take!”

Your reaction:

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

You’ve just been exploring your own reactions to some fairly typical ways that

people talk. Now I’d like to share with you some of my personal reactions. When I’m

upset or hurting, the last thing I want to hear is advice, philosophy, psychology, or the

other fellow’s point of view. That kind of talk makes me only feel worse than before.

Pity leaves me feeling pitiful; questions put me on the defensive; and most infuriating

of all is to hear that I have no reason to feel what I’m feeling. My overriding reaction

to most of these responses is “Oh, forget it. . . . What’s the point of going on?”

But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me

a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less

confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.

I might even say to myself, “My boss is usually fair. . . . I suppose I should have

taken care of that report immediately. . . . But I still can’t overlook what he did. . . .

Well, I’ll go in early tomorrow and write that report first thing in the morning. . . . But

when I bring it to his office I’ll let him know how upsetting it was for me to be spoken

to in that way. . . . And I’ll also let him know that, from now on, if he has any

criticism I would appreciate being told privately.”

The process is no different for our children. They too can help themselves if they

have a listening ear and an empathic response. But the language of empathy does not

come naturally to us. It’s not part of our “mother tongue.” Most of us grew up having

our feelings denied. To become fluent in this new language of acceptance, we have to

learn and practice its methods. Here are some ways to help children deal with their

feelings.

TO HELP WITH FEELINGS

1. Listen with full attention.

2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—“Oh” . . . “Mmm” . . . “I see.”

3. Give their feelings a name.

4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

On the next few pages you’ll see the contrast between these methods and the ways

that people usually respond to a child who is in distress.

INSTEAD OF HALF LISTENING,

It can be discouraging to try to get through to someone

who gives only lip service to listening.

I. LISTEN WITH FULL ATTENTION.

It’s much easier to tell your troubles to a parent who is really listening.

Sometimes a sympathetic silence is all a child needs.

INSTEAD OF QUESTIONS AND ADVICE,

It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively

when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.

II. ACKNOWLEDGE WITH A WORD—“Oh . . . mmm . . . I see.”

There’s a lot of help to be had from a simple “Oh . . . mmm . . .” or

“I see.” Words like these, coupled with a caring attitude, are invitations

to a child to explore her own thoughts and feelings, and possibly

come up with her own solutions.

INSTEAD OF DENYING THE FEELING,

It’s strange. When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away—

however kindly—the child seems to get only more upset.

III. GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.

Parents don’t usually give this kind of response, because they fear that

by giving a name to the feeling they’ll make it worse. Just the opposite

is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is

deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.

INSTEAD OF EXPLANATION AND LOGIC,

When children want something they can’t have,

adults usually respond with logical explanations of

why they can’t have it. Often, the harder we explain,

the harder they protest.

IV. GIVE A CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.

Sometimes just having someone understand

how much you want something makes reality easier to bear.

So there you have it—four possible ways to give first aid to a child in distress: by

listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a

name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy.

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