At the Christmas Lunch, Ken was impressed by the qu ality of service 2019:1 1. Editorial, Membership and Treasurer’s Notice 2. Notification of 2019 AGM 3. Watteau and Campra 5. Magnum 2019 – Round 2 Questions 8. Christmas Lunch 2018

9. The Roar of the Greasepaint 13. Magnum 2019 – Round 1 Answers 15. The Other Half IBC. Curse of the Capital C BC. Link Quiz

Officers and Committee President Gavin Fuller

Life Vice-Presidents Alan D. Blackburn Tony Dart, (Editor of PASS) Secretary Ken Emond Treasurer Susan LengWebmaster Mel Kinsey

Other Committee Members Phillida GranthamRachel Leonard Kathryn Johnson Mastermind Club website: www.mastermindclub.co.uk Follow the Mastermind Club group page on Facebook (mastermindclub2014)

Club Shopping Please send a cheque with your order, payable to the Mastermind Club, and including the cost of postage and packing, to: Phillida Grantham ** Brand new items available – pictured in PASS 201 8:3 ** * Club T-shirts bearing our logo and favourite phra se “I’ve started so I’ll finish” * - Available in Navy and Red, sizes S, M, L and XL - £18 (+£4 p&p)

* Other new items available * * Mini-tablet cases (25 x 19 cm) – Black, Fuchsia (on order) and Sapphire Blue - £8 (+ £4 p&p) * * Tablet cases (27 x 22 cm) – Black - £10 (+ £4 p&p) * * Hand/guest towels (91 x 50 cm) – White and Cream - £10 (+ £4 p&p) * We also have in stock all of the following: Club tote bags – Navy and Natural - £7 (+ £2.50 p&p) Club jute bags – Natural - £7.50 (+ £4 p&p) Club ties – Navy and Maroon - £16 (+ £2.50 p&p) Club scarf (Suprafleece Dolomite) – Charcoal Grey, Navy and (new) Off-white - £8 (+ £4 p&p) Excellent Quality Lined Windbreakers – all at £25 ( + £4 p&p) - Sizes L and XL in Red, Black and Navy Sweatshirts – all at £15 (+ £4 p&p) - Sizes L and XL in Navy, Red, Green and Burgundy Fleece Hats – all at £8 (+ £1.50 p&p) - Bottle Green, Black and Navy Polo Shirts – all at £18 (+ £4 p&p) - Sizes S (Gold, Purple and Red), M, L and XL in Navy, Red, Green, Purple, Pink and Gold Jackets – all at £15 (+ £4 p&p) - Waterproof Fleece in Blue only (Sizes M and L) - Polar Fleece in Red (Size M); Blue (Size M); and Maroon (Size S) Jewellery – all at £6 (+ £2.50 p&p) -Tie pins and tie clips

Any purchases made in person (eg at the Annual Func tion) will of course not incur p&p .

PASS and its contents are ©2019 by the Mastermind Club except where noted. Contributions are welcome but may be edited or held over owing to space limitations. Check with the Editor for advice on the format of c ontributions. All material is published at the sole discretion of the Editor and Committee. Copy deadlines are the last days of January (Issue 1), April (2), July (3) , and October (4). Print publication is normally 4–6 weeks later. Please notify the Secreta ry of any problems in receiving PASS (allow an extra week or two for printing and p ostal delays).

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From the Editor - Tony Dart elcome to the first edition of PASS for 2019. Once again I am able to report personally on a successful London Christmas lunch, organised this time by Ken Emond (see our cover!) at the Old Star Hotel.

Magnus Magnusson will be remembered by so many of Mastermind Club members as our respected patron and interrogator, and as a personal friend. Magnus, who died in 2007, would have been 90 years old in October this year, and the Club’s Committee have therefore resolved that PASS edition 2019:3, to be published in September, should contain a tribute to his memory. I am sure that many of us will have personal reminiscences of meeting Magnus, at Mastermind recordings, the Club’s Annual Functions, and elsewhere, so I am asking members who have recollections of our old friend to send them to me for inclusion in that edition. The press date is not until 31 July, so you have some time and all your contributions (and pictures, if you have them) will be appreciated. As an example of what we are seeking, the photograph here shows Magnus at my former London office in 1996, when he was interviewing for the book which became “I’ve Started, So I’ll Finish” in 1997. Note the state-of-the-art desktop IT!

Otherwise, this edition seems to be one of many contrasts. It contains an article by Paul Campion on a notably successful piece of research connecting an art work with a scene from opera, and one by Chris Payne on his scary but rewarding first experience of appearance in a very different species of musical entertainment. Lance Haward provides a positively Manichean binary viewpoint on such contentious issues as toilet roll hanging and cream tea layering. The 60 questions for Round 2 of the 2019 Master Quiz, written by Gavin Fuller, are matched by the answers from Round 1, produced by Phillida Grantham. The edition is completed by the observations of Ray Ward on issues raised by PASS 2018:4 (such as the problems for librarians and other cataloguers of a name that might be written Cavafy or Kafavy), and another intriguing quiz with a hidden link, compiled by Duncan Mitchell.

I hope you all enjoy this first 2019 edition of PASS, and I look forward to meeting as many of you as can make it at our Annual Function in Torquay on 12, 13 and 14 April this year. Many thanks go to all our contributors.

From the Membership Secretary – Gavin Fuller nly moves to report this time. Linda Morris (membership number 593) has moved to Southport, 1996 champion the Revd Richard Sturch (835) has moved to Bristol, David Porch (1038) has moved to Stokenchurch, and Martin Short (1059) has moved to Rossendale in Lancashire.

From the Treasurer - Susan Leng

hank you to all those members who have paid their 2019 Club membership subscription recently. If you have neglected to do this, here is a tactful but final reminder that your membership will cease if I have not received your £12 by the end of March. I do hope to hear from you.

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Annual General Meeting 2019 Notice is hereby given that the forty-first Annual General Meeting of the Mastermind Club will be held in the Madison Suite of the Carlton Hotel, Torquay, on Sunday 14th April 2019 at 10.45am. AGENDA

1. Apologies for absence

2. Minutes of the 40thth AGM in Birmingham, 8 April 2018 (published in PASS 2018:2)

3. Matters arising

4. President’s Report

5. Membership Report

6. Annual Accounts and Treasurer’s Report

7. Insignia

8. PASS

9. Website and Internet

10. Election of Club Charity for 2019-21*

11. Annual Functions 2019-21

12. Magnum Competition

13. Mugnum Competition

14. Any Other Business

*Note to Item 10: If any member wishes to propose a Club Charity, please inform the Secretary of your proposal, in writing, by Sunday 31 March 2019

Ken Emond, Secretary 10 January 2019

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JEAN-ANTOINE WATTEAU AND ANDRÉ CAMPRA: IDOMÉNÉE REDISCOVERED Paul Campion

(The Watteau drawing under discussion may best be viewed online by Googling: Watteau storm at sea)

The Drawing

y stroll along Piccadilly on a spring morning in 2011 promised no more than the pleasure of a visit to the Royal Academy and the recently-opened exhibition Watteau - The Drawings, which had received some very

favourable reviews. Little did I realise that the day would lead to an exciting discovery and the identification of one of the French master’s enigmatic and most dramatic drawings, almost three hundred years after its creation.

The exhibition was as interesting as I had hoped and the drawings, borrowed from collections around the world, proved to be an eclectic mix of portraits, depictions of French life and commerce, small anatomical and figure studies and theatrical subjects. The crowds in the Sackler Wing were enjoying this rare opportunity to study Watteau’s work at first hand. The exhibition was curated by Louis-Antoine Prat, professeur at the Ecole du Louvre and Chargé de Mission in the Department of Graphic Arts at the Musée du Louvre, Paris, and Pierre Rosenberg of the Académie Française, Président-Directeur Honoraire of the Musée du Louvre, two experts on art of the 18th century.

Watteau’s expertise in drawing has long been acknowledged as the equal of his skill as a painter in oils, even though he may be better remembered for his enthusiasm for the fêtes galantes style of painting; the exhibition at the RA showed over 80 of his finest ‘chalk on paper’ works, including one entitled The Shipwreck, also known as Storm at Sea, from the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford. It was described thus in the exhibition’s catalogue: ‘Red chalk on paper, 223 x 140 mm; trimmed at base; fold in centre of page. Illegible inscription, perceptible against the light, upper left.’

The Opera

One of the musical pleasures of my life, during the last two decades or so, is that I have been commissioned to write booklet essays by a number of CD companies, principally for their operatic and vocal releases. These essays have required research into the operas’ plots and libretti and sometimes into the study of earlier compositions based on the same theme – usually an historical or mythological story - which other composers have set to music over the last 350 years.

One of the recordings that I was commissioned to write about in 2009 was Mozart’s Idomeneo, Re di Creta (Idomeneus, King of Crete). This opera seria was first performed in 1781 in Munich, a commission from the Elector of Bavaria, Karl Theodor. Mozart’s text, by Giambattista Varesco, was based on an earlier libretto by the Frenchman Antoine Danchet (1671-1748) and it was this libretto of Danchet’s that had been used by the composer André Campra (born in 1660 in Aix en Provence) for his tragédie en musique entitled Idoménée, which comprises a prologue and five acts. This is the version of the Idomeneo story that lies at the heart of my discovery.

Campra’s Idoménée was performed at the Théâtre du Palais-Royal in Paris during the closing years of the reign of Louis XIV. The story relates the tale of the king of Crete as

he returns from the Trojan Wars and the pact into which he enters with Neptune. The king’s life is spared during a violent storm on condition that he will sacrifice the first person he meets on safely reaching land. Alas, that person turns out to be his own son, Idamante. Things turn out badly for him and, in brief, at the conclusion of the opera, Idoménée does indeed kill his son in a fit of madness. (It is important to mention, for clarity’s sake, that in Mozart’s opera there is a different outcome and all the protagonists are allowed to survive and live happily almost ever after.)

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The Identification

Reading the expert catalogue notes as I moved through the Watteau exhibition at the RA, I soon came across the work that has long been known as The Shipwreck or Storm at Sea.

Pierre Rosenberg, the curator, wrote:

‘Shipwreck is the title of the engraving made by [Anne Claude de] Caylus [1692-1765] after the Oxford drawing, which it is tempting to date to 1720…. In 1996 we felt we had to date it to 1710; Jon Whiteley [now Emeritus Senior Assistant Keeper, Department of Western Art, at the Ashmolean Museum] dated it to between 1710 and 1714 in 2000; for us c. 1712 in 2001’.

The date for the drawing, proposed by Dr Whiteley in 2001, is a key piece of evidence, for the première of Campra’s Idoménée took place in Paris in January 1712.

The final challenging paragraph of Rosenberg’s notes continues:

‘It should be stated at once that so far none of the attempts at interpreting the subject has been convincing. Why the castle and palm trees in the background? Why does Neptune, armed with his trident and riding a conch, to which a man who has escaped the shipwreck clings, wreak his vengeance on the four terrified passengers from the ship? Is this an illustration from an opera, a play…?’

It took a few moments to understand who and what was depicted; the storm, the boat and its passengers, the large building on the hill all seemed familiar. It was the figure of Neptune that clinched it. This was clearly a depiction of part of the second act of Idoménée; my CD research two years previously served me well. I was by now very familiar with this scene in Mozart’s opera and immediately remembered that Campra had used the same dramatic situation 70 years earlier.

‘Is this an illustration from an opera, a play…?’ Yes, indeed it is! I was in no doubt that this was the depiction of an incident in Campra’s opera, but it needed others, experts in the field, to confirm the identification. Might such confirmation eventually be forthcoming?

After making enquiries through the good offices of the Royal Academy, in May 2011 I received the heartening news that Pierre Rosenberg and Louis-Antoine Prat in France and Jon Whiteley at the Ashmolean, were all convinced by my identification; a gratifying outcome indeed!

With such expert agreement and evidence there can be no doubt that this enigmatic drawing has finally been correctly identified, linking two great men of the arts in early 18th century Paris - André Campra and Jean-Antoine Watteau.

It is not clear how well Campra and Watteau may have known each other but, given the artist’s interest in theatre, and the many drawings of theatrical subjects that he left, there were surely links between them. In Paris, a city with a population of a little over half a million in 1700, two such eminent men must at least have been keenly aware of each other’s work and artistic achievements, possibly even enjoying a close friendship.

Idoménée was recorded in 1991 by Les Arts Florissants on the Harmonia Mundi label, conducted by the baroque specialist William Christie. It allows us to hear the beautiful and dramatic music that inspired Watteau to draw the telling stormy scene, re-identified 300 years after its creation and which, I hope, will soon be officially re-named A Scene from Campra’s Idoménée!

(The illustrations are, in order: Portrait of Jean-Antoine Watteau by Rosalba Carriera; Programme of the performance of Idoménée; Engraving of André Campra by Nicolas Edelinck.)

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MASTER QUIZ 2019

Gavin Fuller introduces the Round 2 questions

s is usual in the first issue of the year, I present the second half of our annual quiz competition: another sixty questions dredged from my fevered imagination.

Instructions Round 2, as usual, has two entries.

Head your first paper “U” for UNSEEN, and answer the questions in your own time. When you have finished please sign the entry as being your own work, but of course should you by chance come across any other answers feel free to add them.

Head another sheet “R” for REFERENCE and check, alter or expand your “U” entries should it be necessary, quoting your sources if you wish.

Put your name and membership number at the start of the U entry, and the R if that should be sent separately. 80% of the marks are awarded for the “U” entry and 20% on the “R”, with the latter as ever not being obligatory. Please note again that all decisions made by Phillida and myself are final and no correspondence will be entered into by either of us about the questions and answers. The answers to the Round 1 questions may be found later in this issue of PASS.

Address for Round 2 Entries

Gavin Fuller

Closing date: 2 April 2019

I look forward to your entries, and putting the top nine who are present in Torquay to the test again. Just wait for the Morris dancing, as promised by your Editor two issues ago . . .

These persons are not the current Club Committee. They may, however, be connected with Question 18

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MASTERQUIZ ROUND 2 2019: QUESTIONS

1) Which celebrated mountaineer was born in Auckland in July 1919?

2) Which writer (pictured right), who won the Booker Prize in 1978 with The Sea, The Sea, was also born in July 1919?

3) Which actor who played the Doctor in Doctor Who had Devon as a middle name, and was also born in July 1919?

4) Which music hall song features the line “Where the brass bands play ‘Tiddly-on-pom-pom’”?

5) How many petals do Cinquefoil flowers have?

6) In which village does Miss Marple live?

7) Plumbum is the Latin name for which metal?

8) Which famous ship was originally called the Pelican before being renamed in 1578?

9) Which is the only place in the UK to have an exclamation mark in its name?

10) Who wrote the novel after which the answer to the previous question is named?

11) What is the predominant colour of a bay horse?

12) Who directed the film of Michael Morpurgo’s book War Horse?

13) Created by Joanne Moore in 2013, Opihr is a spiced variety of which spirit?

14) Which writer’s Raj Quartet was televised by ITV in 1983 as The Jewel in the Crown?

15) With 78,014,598 passengers in 2017, what is currently Europe’s busiest airport?

16) Which scientist took up the fertilization of orchids whilst in holiday in Torquay in 1861?

17) What area of the EU is abbreviated to CFP?

18) Y.M.C.A., In the Navy and Go West were hit singles for which American group?

19) Who is the director of the 2018 film Peterloo, about the massacre of 1819?

20) Which artist produced an image of the Mona Lisa with added moustache and bread in his 1919 work L.H.O.O.Q?

21) The Barcarolle Belle nuit, ô nuit d’amour is one of the best-known pieces of music by Jacques Offenbach. From which of his operas, his last, did it come?

22) What was the name of the DCI played by Helen Mirren in the television series Prime Suspect?

23) What is the common term for the surgical procedure of rhinoplasty?

24) What forename is common to the architects of the Guggenheim Museum in New York and the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao (pictured left, below)?

25) Which is the only British city to give its name to a Shipping Forecast area?

26) Which French composer had an ill-fated marriage with the Irish actress Harriet Smithson?

27) Who was the infamous daughter of Pope Alexander VI?

28) Which poison is present in apple pips?

29) Which singer, a former member of boy band NYSNC, was involved in Janet Jackson’s infamous wardrobe malfunction during the half-time show at the 2004 Super Bowl?

30) Which Briton won Oscars for costume design for his work on the films Gigi and My Fair Lady?

31) Which nursery rhyme contains the refrain “My Fair Lady”?

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32) Which alliteratively-named actor (pictured left) played Major Gowen in Fawlty Towers?

33) Dick Willoughby, published in 1933, and The Otterbury Incident, 1948, were children’s novels by which future Poet Laureate?

34) In 1919, the R34 airship was the first vessel to make a two-way crossing over which body of water by air?

35) Who was Prime Minister of Rhodesia when it made its controversial Unilateral Declaration of Independence in 1965?

36) Of which chemical element is Fullerene an allotrope?

37) The Old Town Lunenburg and Rideau Canal are World Heritage sites in which country?

38) Cavatina, written by Stanley Myers and performed by John Williams, was the theme to which film set during the Vietnam War?

39) Who served as Secretary of State for Education and Science in Edward Heath’s government?

40) Which Théodore Géricault painting, first exhibited in 1819, measures a monumental 4.91 metres by 7.16 metres (16ft 1in x 23ft 6in) in size?

41) Who was the last Briton to win a singles tennis title at the French Open, it being her only Grand Slam title?

42) Which Anne Brontë novel was originally published in one volume with her sister Emily’s Wuthering Heights?

43) Who is described by his Dictionary of National Biography entry as an “osteopath and scapegoat,” the latter for his involvement in the Profumo Affair?

44) The South West Coast Path runs for 630 miles between Poole Harbour and which seaside resort in Somerset?

45) Two species of the Cormorant family which occur in Britain. One is the Cormorant itself. What is the other?

46) Which rock band was formed by David Coverdale after the break-up of Deep Purple in 1976?

47) Which well-known hymn was written by Henry Francis Lyte as he watched the sun set over Tor Bay in the late summer of 1847?

48) The Hangang River flows through which Asian capital city?

49) Which English missionary, who was originally named Winfrith before being renamed by Pope Gregory II in 719, is known as the Apostle of the Germans?

50) To which mammal does the adjective leporine pertain?

51) Mediterranean Avenue and Baltic Avenue are the American equivalents of which two properties on the standard UK monopoly board?

52) Which red wine grape is known as Spätburgunder in Germany?

53) Whittier was the surname of the title character of which 1913 children’s novel by Eleanor H. Porter?

54) In 2019 the FIS Alpine Skiing World Cup finals are taking place for the first time in which European country, at its Grandvalira resort?

55) Which shrub, also called a tree, whose leaves (pictured right) are used as a flavouring in cooking, has the scientific name Laurus nobilis?

56) With a population of around 908,000, Jacksonville is the most populous city in which of the States of the USA?

57) Of the 21 epistles contained in the 27 books of the New Testament, the majority are written by St Paul. Which saint has the second greatest number of epistles, with three?

58) Which Dutch artist died in Amsterdam in October 1669?

59) In which modern-day country was the Battle of the Field of Blood, in which a Crusader force was annihilated by Il-Ghazi of Martin in 1119, fought?

60) “They think it’s all over!” Which football commentator, who died in Torquay, is forever associated with that phrase after uttering it commentating on the 1966 World Cup Final?

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CLUB EVENTS: Christmas 2018 in London Lunch for 20 organised by Ken Emond (on our cover!) at the Old Star

While Gavin Fuller showed the proper spirit of occasion . . .

. . . there was one happy table group . . .

. . . and another . . .

. . . and Rachel Leonard lit up the room

(Our thanks go to Michael Davison for these pictures – and our cover photo.)

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THE ROAR OF THE GREASEPAINT . . . Chris Payne dreads (but still treads) the boards

Dateline: 19.25 Friday January 25 Nunthorpe, Middlesbrough.

am in the darkened tabs at the front of the stage in St Mary's church hall. I am dressed as a playing card, with tabard, jester's hat, spear - The Joker, in fact. To

my left are the prompt and the wicked Red Queen, to my right four teenagers as playing cards, Iritus, the Queen's sidekick - and far right - the man who got me into this, as he did the Catholic Church, Middlesbrough FC and prostate cancer: Terry Bytheway, dressed as the Ace.

The band is playing 'Killer Queen' and we are ON.

I did NOT want to do this! Yes, I have always loved live theatre: plays, musicals, panto, opera and operetta, Shakespeare, stand-up comedy, variety, concerts; I have been on stage with Derren Brown and met The League of Gentlemen, the Chuckle Brothers and the beautiful Jenny Agutter, but, barring appearing in a college production of 'Pygmalion', I have never wanted to act.

Last year I was involved in six productions, it’s true: I was a Welcome Host at Darlington's panto, then at their production of the wonderful 'Anywhere' which took the public all around the newly refurbished theatre, and at 'Jekyll and Hyde' when I had coffee with the brilliant Phil Daniels. I prompted Teesside Musical Theatre's 'Anything Goes' and 'Bugsy Malone'; I loved being involved but was happy to be off stage. I also helped out Middlesbrough Amateur Operatic by doing front of house, as I usually do, for 'Annie'.

You probably think of Teesside as a cultural desert, but in fact we have produced great actors here - Richard Griffiths and Stephen Tompkinson to name but two. You see, we have so much great amateur theatre here: the two companies I have already mentioned above set such almost professional standards and so attract many very talented youngsters, but we also have Tees Valley Gilbert and Sullivan, Billingham Players, Eaglescliffe Theatre, two bitter but really friendly rivals in Nunthorpe and Ormesby, a company in Guisbrough. And not forgetting Earthbeat, which is theatre for adults with learning difficulties, we have a really great network here, all of whom are part of NODA, Northern Dramatic Arts. I support as much local theatre as I can and I saw ALL of these companies’ productions last year and was royally entertained every time.

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Well, I am about to go on in Nunthorpe Players’ production of 'Alice in Wonderland - the Pantomime', a reworking of 'The Nutcracker' using Lewis Carroll's characters. We have a sell-out 180-strong audience out there, including 30-odd from our rivals the Ormesby Minstrels, whose panto we visited the week before.

I am getting ahead, though. My best mate Terry is the ying to my yang, he will burst into a song or dance at the drop of a hat. He is very good at both, too, whereas I am the opposite. When I did some Transactional Analysis many years ago I came out as heavily Parent (the caring, nurturing side) and Adult (the organising, controlling side), dwarfing my Child (the uninhibited spontaneous side).

I am over organised and inhibited, whereas Terry never knows what is happening tomorrow but is very creative and utterly uninhibited; he will burst into song at the drop of a hat and loves the limelight. Well, having been diagnosed with prostate cancer, Terry wrote his bucket list, at the top of which was to be in a show; with his wife not keen I got involved to support him. He was good in 'Anything Goes', got a taste for showbiz and landed the part of Cord Elam in 'Oklahoma' on which we are both currently working, but that was not enough: no, the next on the list was a panto!

So he put a message out on the net, and Nunthorpe got in touch regarding 'Alice'. Without meeting him, the Director cast him in a cameo role as a builder and in the chorus. You see at this point they only had one male in the cast -our brilliant dame, Lee – so the whole production was completely unbalanced. But here's the rub. They wanted TWO builders

and TWO cards as the Queen's 'heavies'. I was cast without even being asked! I expected to be the prompt but the company had greater need of me!

Nunthorpe put on an excellent wartime show, "It will all be over by Christmas", on Armistice Day and the following day I went for the first read through of 'Alice', not realising that I was going to be in the thing!

The following Sunday was horrible. I had two cameo roles. That was bad enough: I am confident and experienced in front of crowds, I've taught for twenty five years, been on TV and radio and in a choir, I have even done stand-up once, but I can only be me, I CANNOT be anyone else. Thankfully we did not have to do accents, though we were very West Yorkshire builders. There was also to be a DVD and I cannot bear watching myself; way back I did a management postgrad degree and still cringe at the memories of seeing and hearing myself on CCTV playbacks of role play exercises.

Worse was to follow. I was in the chorus!!

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This panto has EIGHT musical numbers, all different:

• 'Killer Queen', the opening number • 'It's going to be a good day', a great number by the Black Eyed Peas • 'Getting to know you', a traditional round country dance • '500 miles', a Scottish number • 'Country Roads', a line dance • 'Could it be magic?' - using ribbons • 'I do, I do, I do', a dance for couples; and the finale • 'Shake a tail feather', from ‘The Blues Brothers'.

Three things:

• Firstly, I cannot dance and since the disco era of my teens I have avoided doing so at all costs • Secondly, I am almost 59, arthritic, overweight (even after losing 20 kilos last year), my back and knees are

suspect, my left shoulder was broken in 2004 and never healed properly so doesn't work as it should, and I am disabled by diabetic neuropathy in my left leg

• Thirdly, the chorus contained eight young teenage girls, all really great dancers, with four adults, two ladies and the two of us. I believed that I would just ruin the whole thing and that first nightmarish afternoon proved me right.

I was hopeless!

Sleepless nights followed wondering what to do. I didn't want to drop out but by the same token did not see how I wouldn't ruin the whole production.

Panto is a lot of fun: you can break the fourth wall and improvise - believe me when I say that when you are booed you know you've come to the party and that applause at the curtain is something you do not want to end . . . BUT - You can't have fun until you've put the hard yards in; learn the dances and songs, deliver your lines, not just say them, which is where Terry and I scored big time - we are both chairman of organisations, both read in the cathedral and have addressed more meetings than we care to remember, so we project, pace our lines and play to the crowd, which the youngsters, through no fault of theirs, cannot do, it just comes with experience. You have to learn your

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cues, time your lines, learn your exits, and then there are the costume changes. Ours were: cards to villagers to highland dancers to western line dancers to Bodgit and Scarper, the builders who show the goodies the way to Wonderland down the rabbit hole which they didn't fill in, then straight back on, still in hi-vis vests, hard hats and wellies, to do the ribbon routine. Second half is easier and shorter, but we still have to make our cues on and off as the Queen's playing cards.

Only when you've done ALL that can you have fun, and yes I have. I even enjoyed the dances, bar the Black Eyed Peas number which defeated me simply because of my left leg, though I am still on stage singing in that routine, but I love doing the line dance and yes, even at my age and size I have learned to shake a tail feather!!

I am far from great but I can dance reasonably well, I think, and in the three performances so far think I have done OK, and I am learning all the time.

I have been lucky to have had such a supportive cast though; I am sharing a dressing room with our dame, Lee, who has passed on loads as has Jo, our wonderfully physical Silly Billy. It's been great being a baddy too, Terry and I get to bully the goodies including Alice, a wonderfully talented teenager called Erica, a real trouper, who will go far, along with her stage beau, Lewis, played by another talented teen, Pierre, who came in late. AND we get to share the stage with Helen, our scary Queen and the equally brilliant Iritus, played by Sam, who moves like the child catcher from 'Chitty' and sounds like Kreech - if you listen to 'Elvenquest', you will know what I mean.

Well, I am a 'luvvie kissee' now and I don't think this is my last show; though if I hear 'Baby Shark' once more I'll scream the place down, to quote 'Privates on Parade'.

During the week between the shows the producer trusted Terry and me, the newest and oldest members of the

company, to do a PR interview on local radio, Zetland FM, in their Redcar studio, which was fun AND we brought in our prostate cancer campaign.

I will finish with a few of Lee's jokes:

• 'My son Billy is so daft he doesn't think his continental quilt will work after Brexit' • 'I'm a widow, my husband Gavin died of indigestion, I still can't believe my Gaviscon' • 'Beyoncé likes Emmerdale, you know. Her favourite characters are 'all the Dingle ladies'.

All I can say is that you don't know what you can do till you try. Life doesn't end at 58 or with prostate cancer. You can always learn new things.

And there really are no people like show people. Oh yes there are!

(Illustrations in order: Chris as The Joker; his name in the cast list, even if not yet up in lights; the company dancing (who’s at the back?); some enjoyable on-stage bullying.)

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MASTER QUIZ 2019 ROUND 1 - THE ANSWERS Phillida and Simon Grantham 1. Nairobi, Kenya on 20 May 1981 2. Princess Anne, Princess Royal 3. 26 miles 385 yards, set in London Olympics of 1908 such that the finishing line was in front of the Royal box 4. Colonel John Hunt, later Brigadier, and latterly Baron Hunt of Llanfair Waterdene 5. Cooper’s Hill, Gloucestershire 6. On the ascent of Mont Ventoux on stage 13 of the Tour de France, at the age of 29 7. Jonny Wilkinson 8. 1977, the year of the Queen’s silver jubilee - and she presented the trophy 9. John Surtees 10. Sir Geoff Hurst 11. Could have been the Bunbury as the name of the race was decided on a coin toss between the Earl of Derby and

Sir Charles Bunbury. By way of compensation, the Bunbury Cup race is held annually at Newmarket. 12. 1970 13. Zaha Hadid (right, at Baku in 2013) 14. Pink 15. Dukes of Beaufort 16. Unai Emery 17. Marylebone Cricket Club. I realise there are other correct and

maybe obscure answers. Melbourne Cricket Club in Australia is equally prestigious

18. Department of Culture, Media and Sport 19. All are buried in Brompton Cemetery in West London 20. Gareth Southgate, manager of the England football team, who

reached the World Cup semi-final in 2018 21. The Grand National, which is 4 miles 880 yards, whereas the Boat

Race is 4 miles 374 yards - both equally arduous on man and beast 22. St Paul’s School, who triumphed over Eton College in a record time of 6 minutes 6 seconds 23. Distinctive red and yellow stripe commonly referred to as “bacon and egg”. Melbourne Cricket club colours are

navy with red and white stripe 24. Video Assistant Referee 25. Tim Bentinck, 12th Earl of Portland, is an actor. He plays David Archer in The Archers radio show. He has

written books and was also for a while the voice of “mind the gap” on the London Underground 26. Peregrine Falcon 27. Southend at 1,34 miles long 28. Republic of Ireland 29. This was more problematic than I had thought. I was looking for “market garden”, as much of London was

given over to those before it was urbanised. Lord’s Nursery End preserves the heritage. Lord’s has moved several times, one site being now Dorset Square, and the present one in part originally a duck pond, so I will be lenient on answers

30. Kensington Gardens 31. Arnold Schoenberg 32. Butterflies 33. Cogito Ergo Sum as coined by Rene Descartes(“je pense donc je suis”) in his Discourse on the Method 34. Badger Dog is the literal translation. It was bred to hunt badgers, being the ideal shape for chasing them 35. Mme de Stael, French woman of letters (1766 – 1817) 36. A breed of domestic cat

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37. Gebhard Leberecht von Blucher 38. Gavrilo Princip 39. A range of colours: red, brown, orange, yellow - so plenty of choice 40. Pope Francis 41. Argentine. He was born in Flores district of Buenos Aires on 17th December 1936 42. I was thinking of Glasgow but I have seen reference to Stalybridge in Manchester, and it is more common than I

thought, so any referenced answer will suffice 43. 1851 44. Any two or more of Aventine, Caelian, Capitoline, Esquiline, Palatine, Quirinal, Viminal 45. A 15th-century medieval bombard (right) at Edinburgh Castle 46. Lago Maggiore at 212 sq km behind Lago di Garda at 370 sq km 47. United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund 48. Elysian Fields 49. Composed upon Westminster Bridge September 3 1802 by

William Wordsworth 50. Jacob Rees-Mogg 51. Dorneywood in Buckinghamshire 52. Jim Mollison 53. Dukes of Devonshire 54. It has run for 16 series, so lots of answers including several cricketers and numerous soap stars. Latest winner in

2019 was Stacey Dooley partnered by Kevin Clifton 55. Kayaking 56. Principally Battle of Waterloo. With La Haye Sainte it was one of two prominent and strategically important

farmhouses which witnessed fierce fighting in the course of the battle, changing hands several times. My twice great grandfather William Havelock fought at Hougoumont as a Lieutenant in the King’s German Legion

57. Special Operations Executive in Second World War. Other abbreviations exist including State of Emergency so I will be lenient

58. Israel 59. I was thinking of World title holders and notable among those are Frank Bruno, Lennox Lewis, Herbie Hyde,

David Haye and Tyson Fury but will accept British heavyweight title holders given the wording of the question. 60. Tarantula spiders 61. Appointed 12 May 1879 so between 1874 and 1884 62. Sir Henry Morton Stanley. The words have passed into folklore, and even been used as a song by Moody Blues 63. Bought by Robert P McCulloch in 1968 and opened in Arizona October 10 1971 64. John Snow 65. Martin Rees, Baron Rees of Ludlow 66. Le Tour is turn or tour and La Tour tower as in Eiffel 67. Simon Williams (right, in character) 68. Southport 69. West Ham United, who adopted the song in the 1920s 70. Two of the seven ravens resident in the Tower of London 71. Currently Singapore Airlines flying from Singapore to Newark in 19 hours.

Auckland to Dubai is 17.5 hours. However, this record fluctuates so a referenced alternative is acceptable

72. Oxford 73. Holman Hunt, Millais, Rossetti brothers, Stephens, Woolmer, Collinson, Burne-

Jones and Waterhouse 74. Warrington, which was the centre of the wire-drawing industry. 75. “ . . . and frankly who cares ?” at the Olympic Hockey final in Seoul in 1988. Some of our most memorable

quotations, it seems, are at the expense of the Germans!

2019:1 15

THE OTHER HALF

Lance Haward on the Proper Way of Doing Things

o instinctively are humankind practitioners of apartheid in its widest sense, that there is a whole gamut of mundane activities which we all get up to, half of our species in one way and half in the exactly opposite way. But with this crucial further aspect to most of them, that each side is totally oblivious to the fact that there is

an opposite side.

The less salubrious of these activities regularly get an airing on that determinedly outrageous programme, “QI”. If you watch it, you will have seen one of these arcana being recently unveiled for inspection, the question whether following the most literally basic of all bodily functions in the human animal, the necessity of cleaning up afterward is in the alternative to be discharged from the front or from the rear. For this disclosure we are indebted to . . . well, it was either comedian Jimmy Carr or Jason Manford. The lengthy analysis of which, necessitating a poll of the

studio audience, precipitated the related discovery that there are those who hang the toilet-roll with the loose end against the wall, while (surprise, surprise!) other very odd people hang it away from the wall. Which in my book (as one of the odd) is the only imaginable way in which respectable human beings since the handful of moss was dumped (again, quite literally) could possibly accommodate it.

Moving to more decorous processes (having, I trust, washed our hands), I was providing myself with a slice of bread and butter (more accurately, of buttered bread,

as will transpire) and looking up as I see-sawed saw my friend staring at me in something approaching consternation.

“Is that how you do it?” she observed, verging on hysterics.

“Well - how else would you do it?” I responded, verging on shock.

It had never dawned upon me prior to that moment in more than half a century of slicing that human beings might go to the extreme of separating the slice from the loaf before annexing the butter. As a child of a generation that was barely aware of the existence of any loaf that had not been pre-sliced, of course, she had no access to the knowledge of the proper way of producing the buttered slice - which can only be attained, when the butter is hard and the bread soft, while the latter is still attached to its parent loaf. Else one either rips the loaf to shreds or by the application of a very mild warmth reduces the butter to unrecognizable and loathsome oil, such as might just as well have been poured across it, for all the improvement it causes.

But, as we noticed in relation to the humble bog-roll, it is not invariably the case that this congenital paradox, once exposed to view, is to be resolved by the application of any sort of human reason. How to determine, for example, whether the vest (English, not Transatlantic) is to be worn outside or inside the pants? (My own practice from time immemorial (to me) was actually transposed consequential upon surgery, but as to that, you have not the Need to Know.)

S

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These are almost all matters of the instinct as much as reason, ingrained in us from the first moment when we grabbed hold of a handful of moss oblivious to the consequences. But where, occasionally, there is a dawning recognition that one’s view is opposed, then as like as not fervent rationalization will be marshalled against that opposition, out of the shocked discovery that one’s knowledge, absurdly, is being called in question.

And when in that circumstance reason does exceptionally purport to play a part in the determination, it is still reason in a furious bi-partisan debate, and eternally unresolved: there is science in majestic totalitarianism on hand in the service of both parties to slog it out in indecisive hostility. The milk before the tea, or vice versa, for example? In this instance, it is the lot (whether fate or fortune) of a modern generation as ignorant of the tea caddy as of the unsliced loaf to believe that tea actually grows inside a wrapping of gauze, on the analogy of tomatoes under polythene; and from this myopia all infusion becomes confusion.

As regards Scones, however, the situation is somewhat different. Here, it is specifically the two classes of the mutually ignorant who are seemingly unaware of what goes on at tea time on the other side of the River Tamar, and all the rest of the nation that looks on in permanent bewilderment at their rivalry. Not one in a hundred persons dwelling East of Exeter could tell you whether it’s the Devonians who spread the jam before the cream and the Cornishmen vice versa - or the other way round. All that is clear to us out in the wider and less troubled world is that the regional vanity expressed across Tamar’s banks is of supreme insignificance when we are in the throes of ecstasy from the delectable combination, whichever way round, even if out of our serene indifference the first scone be dressed one way and the second, the other. All these badges of apartheid are of value only in so far as they keep us in a spirit of healthy antagonism.

Well, no. Somehow, a century on from the end of that “War to end all wars” which has been effusively celebrated of late, I get the feeling that could we only bring the parties into direct confrontation to resolve just one of these ancient antitheses, it might at long last be the historic beginning of the universal eirenic process, and homo sapiens finally ready to try the co-operative sorting out of an effective international adjustment to climate change.

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Not to be read yet! Answers to our back page quiz: 1. Michael JOHNSON, 2. Rita COOLIDGE, 3. Wat TYLER, 4. FORD, 5. The TRUMAN Show, 6. Bea ARTHUR, 7. FILLMORE East, 8. Amy JOHNSON, 9. The ROOSEVELT Link: All are US Presidents who acceded to the job directly from the position of Vice President. In question order: Andrew Johnson, Calvin Coolidge, John Tyler, Gerald Ford, Harry S Truman, Chester Arthur, Millard Fillmore, Lyndon Baines Johnson and Theodore Roosevelt. The odd one out is Gerald Ford, who became President after Nixon's resignation. All the others became President following the death of their predecessor.

THE CURSE OF THE CAPITAL C Ray Ward has an issue with an issue and its editor

ere are a few thoughts inspired by the previous issue of PASS, which may be of interest to other readers. Mike Schwartz's insistence that the modern Greek poet's name should be spelled Konstantine Kavafy (of whom I first heard in a story by one of my favourite writers, Sir Arthur C. Clarke,

mentioning his most famous poem, "Waiting for the Barbarians") reminds me of a recent dispute I had with a British academic writing on Soviet/Russian matters who insisted on calling the first man in space Iurii Gagarin. I pointed out that, while that may be the strictly correct transliteration from the Cyrillic alphabet, the spelling Yuri has become firmly established in the English-speaking world and it is pointless to insist on any other. I mentioned that in Russian Chekhov and Tchaikovsky begin with the same letter (Ч, representing the sound ch), but those spellings have similarly become ineradicable in English (I note the spellchecker doesn't object to them!), and it is, of course, futile to try to change them. But I didn't convince her! Similarly, some transliterations from Greek have become so firmly established that it is futile to try to change them, and one is the name of the poet. He is nearly always called Constantine Cavafy in English, all editions of his works and writings about him in English that I can trace call him Cavafy, the English version of the official website of his archives spells his name Cavafy, etc., so I think Mike is fighting a losing battle! I first heard of Prora, the vast development intended as a holiday resort built by Nazi Germany on the island of Rügen, quite recently, in a television programme in the Abandoned Engineering series on the Yesterday channel, so I was interested to see that Geoff Thomas had been there. I haven't, but I have visited the place where many of the workers were sent, Peenemünde, and I have also been to Lübeck, and stood outside the birthplace of Thomas and Heinrich Mann.

What an odd thought that David Clark had never been on a tram until 2017! Some of us are old enough to remember the original trams. David should go to the Tramway Museum at Crich in Derbyshire, one of the most fascinating places I have ever visited. It has Sheffield's last (old) tram, pictured at left, (Sheffield now has modern Supertrams, of course), in the wonderful Sheffield Transport livery, cream with blue bands (also used on buses), said to have been chosen deliberately because it would be a challenge to keep light-coloured vehicles clean in an industrial city. Every city ran its own public transport with its own distinctive livery, and if you lived in a city the first thing that looked odd if you set foot outside it was the colour of the buses (and trams, if any)! But then

Sheffield Transport was absorbed into South Yorkshire Transport, with its ghastly brown and yellow colours, which I called - well, I'm sure you can think of things that are brown and yellow! You are right about nitpickers. I wear my designation as one with pride, but before you go in for correcting things you should of course make sure they are actually wrong and you are actually, well, correct. The marvellous Molesworth books by Geoffrey Willans, illustrated by Ronald Searle (who said he preferred them to his far more famous St. Trinian's drawings; there was a question about them in the 2012 series of Brain of Britain which I was annoyed went to another contestant who got it right, even though I won the series!) have deliberately misspelt titles: Down with Skool, How to be Topp, Whizz for Attoms and Back in the Jug Agane, collected as The Compleet Molesworth. It's a strict rule of library cataloguing that the exact wording and spelling of the title page of a book should be followed, and I have known the Molesworth books be used in cataloguing tests to see if testees follow the wrong spellings, as they should. One of the first books I catalogued was American, and the title included the word "neighbors". I put "neighbours" and got it thrown back at me. I didn't need telling twice. Many years later, as part of a job application, I took part in a cataloguing test which - deliberately - included a book on Pearl Harbor. I got the job, and was later told, as an example of falling standards, that I was the only one who avoided the trap: everyone else put "Harbour"!

H

LINK QUIZ Duncan Mitchell Here are nine questions with a link. The link I'm after is very specific – the obvious one

which you'll probably get after question two is not the one I'm looking for. Questions one

and eight are not mistakes! Enjoy.

1. The only man to win both the 200m and 400m at the same Olympic Games.

2. Female singer (right) who had a 1977 UK hit

with 'We're All Alone'.

3. A leader of the 1381 Peasants’ Revolt who

organised a march from Canterbury to London.

4. Car maker whose 1950s models included the

Crestline, the Galaxie and the Fairlane.

5. 1998 film starring Jim Carrey, set in the fictitious

town of Seahaven.

6. Actress and singer, (born 1922, died 2009) who

rose to fame in 1964 as Mente the Matchmaker

in the original production of 'Fiddler on the Roof', before going on to star in the TV

comedy series 'Golden Girls'.

7. New York music venue founded by

promoter Bill Graham: the opening night

in 1968 featured Big Brother & the

Holding Company.

8. The first woman to fly solo from Britain

to Australia.

9. Iconic New York hotel (left) on Madison

Avenue; it has featured in many films,

including 'Maid in Manhattan' and 'Men

in Black 3'.

10. And what is the link?

. . . and finally, which is the odd one out?