Pasig Married Devotionals Mastering Basics. Ever had troubles communicating with someone via...

26
Pasig Married Devotionals Pasig Married Devotionals Mastering Basics Mastering Basics

Transcript of Pasig Married Devotionals Mastering Basics. Ever had troubles communicating with someone via...

Pasig Married DevotionalsPasig Married Devotionals

Mastering BasicsMastering Basics

Ever had troubles Ever had troubles communicating with someone communicating with someone via cellphone?via cellphone?

Hirap pag putol-putol ang Hirap pag putol-putol ang signal…signal…

Choppy ka!Choppy ka!

Better Communication for Better Communication for CouplesCouples

Patterns make a Patterns make a marriagemarriage

Research tells us that the kind of Research tells us that the kind of marriage and the kind of marriage and the kind of communication pattern in a communication pattern in a marriage is related to how couples marriage is related to how couples fight (what they do when there is fight (what they do when there is tension)tension)

Marriages tend to fall into three Marriages tend to fall into three categories: validating, volatile, and categories: validating, volatile, and avoidant.avoidant.

Listen to three couples:Listen to three couples: Betty and Bert (Validating)Betty and Bert (Validating) Max and Anita (Volatile)Max and Anita (Volatile) Joey and Sheila (Avoidant)Joey and Sheila (Avoidant)

Couple # 1Couple # 1

Betty: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang Betty: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa.lumabas tayong dalawa.

Bert: So, gusto mo mag-date?Bert: So, gusto mo mag-date?

Betty: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din kasi dito sa Betty: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog.TV or matulog.

Bert: Ok…Bert: Ok…

Betty: Tapos pag Sabado at Linggo, ayaw Betty: Tapos pag Sabado at Linggo, ayaw mo paring lumabas.mo paring lumabas.

Bert: Alam mo naman kasing ang haba ng Bert: Alam mo naman kasing ang haba ng oras ko sa trabaho, kaya pagdating ko sa oras ko sa trabaho, kaya pagdating ko sa bahay, gusto ko ma-feel na ‘at home’ ako.bahay, gusto ko ma-feel na ‘at home’ ako.

Betty: Home ‘at last’?Betty: Home ‘at last’?Bert: Yup! Yung walang demands, walang Bert: Yup! Yung walang demands, walang

pressure, yung relax lang.pressure, yung relax lang.Betty: Ok. Pero, hindi ba relaxing din yung Betty: Ok. Pero, hindi ba relaxing din yung

kumain tayo sa labas o manood ng sine? kumain tayo sa labas o manood ng sine? Gusto mo naman yun dati, di ba?Gusto mo naman yun dati, di ba?

Bert: Oo nga gusto ko yun dati, pero siguro Bert: Oo nga gusto ko yun dati, pero siguro dahil din sa pressure sa trabaho, gusto dito dahil din sa pressure sa trabaho, gusto dito nalang sa bahay mag-relax.nalang sa bahay mag-relax.

Betty: So, ano suggestion mo?Betty: So, ano suggestion mo?Bert: Ok lang sakin lumabas, basta wag every Bert: Ok lang sakin lumabas, basta wag every

week.week.Betty: Ok, how about every other week nalang?Betty: Ok, how about every other week nalang?Bert: Sige ayos yun.Bert: Sige ayos yun.Betty: Ayan, start tayo next week, ha? Betty: Ayan, start tayo next week, ha? Bert: Sure honey.Bert: Sure honey.Betty: Thanks honey.Betty: Thanks honey.

Couple #2Couple #2

Anita: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang Anita: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa.lumabas tayong dalawa.

Max: So, anong gusto mong mangyari? Eh, alam Max: So, anong gusto mong mangyari? Eh, alam mo namang pagod na pagod na ako pagdating mo namang pagod na pagod na ako pagdating ditto sa bahay. ditto sa bahay.

Anita: Pagod? Eh, kaya ka nga mag-rerelax.Anita: Pagod? Eh, kaya ka nga mag-rerelax.Max: Sobrang pagod na nga ako, so mas gusto Max: Sobrang pagod na nga ako, so mas gusto

ko mag-relax dito sa bahay, at hindi na lalabas.ko mag-relax dito sa bahay, at hindi na lalabas.Anita: Eh pagod din naman ako dito sa Anita: Eh pagod din naman ako dito sa

pagaayos sa bahay. Kala mo ba wala akong pagaayos sa bahay. Kala mo ba wala akong ginagawa? [getting mad] ginagawa? [getting mad]

Max: Maghapon nga ako sa trabaho, tapos Max: Maghapon nga ako sa trabaho, tapos pagdating ko dito sa bahay, papalabasin pagdating ko dito sa bahay, papalabasin mo na naman ako? mo na naman ako?

Anita: Eh ako rin naman buong araw dito Anita: Eh ako rin naman buong araw dito sa bahay; gusto ko ring lumabas minsan-sa bahay; gusto ko ring lumabas minsan-minsan! Palibhasa, pagdating mo dito, minsan! Palibhasa, pagdating mo dito, matutulog ka na o manonood ngTV…matutulog ka na o manonood ngTV…

Max: A basta mas gusto ko matulog. Max: A basta mas gusto ko matulog.

Anita: O sige, eh di ako nalang lalabas.Anita: O sige, eh di ako nalang lalabas.

Max: Lumabas ka, ako matutulog.Max: Lumabas ka, ako matutulog.

Couple #3Couple #3 Sheila: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…Sheila: Parang may gumugulo sa akin…

kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-kasi ang tagal na nating hindi nag-ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan ddate. Hindi ko na maalala kung kelan yung huling time na lumabas tayong yung huling time na lumabas tayong dalawa.dalawa.

Joey: A, talaga?Joey: A, talaga? Sheila: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din Sheila: Siyempre. Nakakapagod din

kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming kasi dito sa bahay. Gusto ko naming lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang lumabas at magenjoy, kaya lang pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto pagdumarating ka, pagod ka na at gusto mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog.mo nalang manood ng TV or matulog.

Joey: Eh talagang pagod ako eh. Joey: Eh talagang pagod ako eh. Saka nalang natin pagusapan.Saka nalang natin pagusapan.

Sheila: Hmmm. Saka nalang…Sheila: Hmmm. Saka nalang… Joey: Oo, saka nalang.Joey: Oo, saka nalang. Sheila: Pero diba mas ok na Sheila: Pero diba mas ok na

pagusapan din natin ito?pagusapan din natin ito? Joey: Pero pagod ako, tsaka ikaw Joey: Pero pagod ako, tsaka ikaw

din.din. Sheila: Another time nalang nga.Sheila: Another time nalang nga. Joey: Saka na. (goes to the room)Joey: Saka na. (goes to the room)

Validating patternValidating pattern Even when discussing a hot topic, they display Even when discussing a hot topic, they display

a lot of ease and calm.a lot of ease and calm. They have a keen ability to listen to and They have a keen ability to listen to and

understand the other’s point of view and understand the other’s point of view and emotions.emotions.

They still let their partner know that they They still let their partner know that they consider his/her opinions valid even if they consider his/her opinions valid even if they don’t agree with them.don’t agree with them.

Validating couples tend to pick their battles Validating couples tend to pick their battles carefully. Problems = way for discussion, not carefully. Problems = way for discussion, not call to armscall to arms

There is no arm-twisting or insistence that There is no arm-twisting or insistence that their perspective alone is valid.their perspective alone is valid.

They negotiate a compromise that they both They negotiate a compromise that they both like or can at least live with.like or can at least live with.

Volatile patternVolatile pattern Marked by high level of engagement during Marked by high level of engagement during

discussions.discussions. They have little interest in hearing each They have little interest in hearing each

other’s point of view in the heat of argument.other’s point of view in the heat of argument. They don’t try to understand and empathize They don’t try to understand and empathize

with their partner, instead they jump right with their partner, instead they jump right into persuading their partner.into persuading their partner.

For volatile couples, winning the argument is For volatile couples, winning the argument is what it’s all about.what it’s all about.

Discussion is littered with ‘Yes you do’ and Discussion is littered with ‘Yes you do’ and ‘NO I don’t’ ‘NO I don’t’

Avoidant patternAvoidant pattern

They can be called ‘conflict minimizers’ They can be called ‘conflict minimizers’ because they make light of their because they make light of their differences rather than resolving them.differences rather than resolving them.

This style leaves husband and wife very This style leaves husband and wife very unschooled in how to address a conflict unschooled in how to address a conflict should they someday be forced to do so.should they someday be forced to do so.

Husband or wife may feel that the other Husband or wife may feel that the other doesn’t really know or understand them.doesn’t really know or understand them.

Attitudes for better Attitudes for better patternspatterns

Be interestedBe interested Be empatheticBe empathetic Be acceptingBe accepting Be appreciativeBe appreciative

Be interested!Be interested!

Pr 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good

and receives favor from the LORD.

Focus on your spouseFocus on your spouse Maximize eye contactMaximize eye contact Avoid talking in front of the TVAvoid talking in front of the TV Try to respond with ‘uhuhs’ or nodsTry to respond with ‘uhuhs’ or nods

According to the author of the book According to the author of the book “How to Be Happy Though Married,” “How to Be Happy Though Married,” all people have some attraction to all people have some attraction to other people—and not primarily other people—and not primarily because of appearance. We can because of appearance. We can sometimes feel that magnetic sometimes feel that magnetic attraction to a rather plain person of attraction to a rather plain person of the opposite sex yet feel none at all the opposite sex yet feel none at all to a beautiful or handsome person.to a beautiful or handsome person.

Be empathetic!Be empathetic!

Pr 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.

Look at your spouse’s face and try to feel Try to put yourself in your spouse’s

shoes If you can’t relate, you can say an

affirmative comment

For the volatileFor the volatile

Believe that you can control your Believe that you can control your tongue!tongue!

Some No-No’s: hiwalayan, always-Some No-No’s: hiwalayan, always-nevernever

Better to not say it than to say it Better to not say it than to say it wrong wrong

Be acceptingBe accepting

Pr 18:13 He who answers before listening— that is his folly and his shame. Pr 17:19a He who loves a quarrel loves sin;

Avoid rejectionAvoid rejection Avoid reacting too quicklyAvoid reacting too quickly Opinions may differ; need is to respect each Opinions may differ; need is to respect each

other’s opinion (no need to quarrel)other’s opinion (no need to quarrel)

For the avoidantFor the avoidant

Believe that God can help you work Believe that God can help you work out differencesout differences

Fight the Bump-o-phobia!Fight the Bump-o-phobia!

From the book “Words to live by”From the book “Words to live by”

The Bible makes clear: offenses will The Bible makes clear: offenses will come…disputes will happen. The come…disputes will happen. The problem is, humans tend to see all problem is, humans tend to see all conflict as evil and so avoid it at all conflict as evil and so avoid it at all costs. This usually means that they costs. This usually means that they simply let tensions build until they simply let tensions build until they become explosive.become explosive.

Be appreciativeBe appreciative

Lift up efforts to communicate: Lift up efforts to communicate: “Thanks for telling me” or “Ngayon “Thanks for telling me” or “Ngayon mas naintindihan kita…”mas naintindihan kita…”

Find things you agree aboutFind things you agree about Affirm when something is true, e.g. Affirm when something is true, e.g.

“May point ka diyan sa sinabi mo…”“May point ka diyan sa sinabi mo…” Thank God for each other in prayerThank God for each other in prayer

Attitudes for better Attitudes for better patternspatterns

Be interestedBe interested Be empatheticBe empathetic Be acceptingBe accepting Be appreciativeBe appreciative

Let us have marriages that Let us have marriages that glorify God as we grow in glorify God as we grow in

communication!communication!