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Helping today’s parents raise exceptional kids

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Issue 7

READING, WRITING, ‘RITHMETIC… AND RUNNING

HOW TO ENJOY FAMILY LIFE MORE

MAKING SLEEPOVERS WORK

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BOOST YOUR FAMILY’S HAPPINESSPage 10

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AT HOME

ALONE

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www.parentingideas.com.au Issue 7 Page 1

MICHAEL GROSE

Welcome to the seventh edition of Parentingideas magazine,designed to give you great up-to-date advice to make your parenting easier.

You can find past editions on the Parentingideas website. Just go to Parentingideas.com.au and click on to parenting magazine promotional picture and you’ll go straight to the magazine archive.

This edition is full of fantastic ideas and information to help you get the most out the coming holiday period.

Experienced journalist Karen Fontaine has written a great piece about the importance of getting kids moving during the holidays. As her research shows, kids are moving less and less these days at schools, so it’s important to keep things physical at home. She has some great movement tips for parents and teachers.

Parent Wellbeing’s Jodie Benveniste has contributed a lovely piece that will help you get more joy and happiness out of being a mum or a dad. It’s a must-read for all parents.

If you have ever been faced with the challenge of leaving your kids at home unsupervised then you’ll know how worrying that can be. Kidproof’s Catherine Gerhardt has some great advice to help keep your kids safe a when they are home alone.

Author Justin Coulson returns with an article that will help you respond appropriately when your kids are angry or emotional. It’s a great reminder that kids need our love at times when they can be hard to like.

Summer is the time for sleepovers in Australia, which can present some dilemmas for some parents. Check out my practical article to help you make the most of your children’s sleepovers.

Want to have a happy family? One way to improve your family mood is to get the ratio of compliments to criticisms right. Find out more in my article Increase good feelings at home.

Finally, at this time of year it’s easy to lose perspective and see little challenges as insurmountable problems. Bill Jennings’ article about First World Problems will help you are your kids keep things in perspective.

If you enjoy this edition of Parentingideas Magazine then do all the writers a favour and PASS IT ON to a friend, colleague or family member. Email it on with a personalised message. Best of all, it’s FREE.

Here’s to happy Christmas and wonderful New Year

Michael Grose

For regular parenting fun, ideas and inspiration ...Join the Michael Grose Parenting community on

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About Michael Grose

Michael is widely regarded as Australia’s No. 1 parenting educator. The author of eight books for parents his latest Thriving! has been described “as the new roadmap for raising 3-12 year olds with confidence, character and resilience.” He supports over 1,000 Australian schools and hundreds and thousands of parents with his practical, easy-to-read resources. An in-demand speaker Michael is one of fewer than 100 Certified Speaking Professionals (CSP’s) in Australia. Contact 1800 004 484 to find out how to have Michael liven up your next conference or event.

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Issue 7 Page 2

READING, WRITING, ‘RITHMETIC… AND RUNNINGGetting kids moving during school breaks doesn’t just burn off their excess energy – it actually helps them to learn better, writes Karen Fontaine

With the children of Australia’s 2007 baby boom now gearing up to start Kindergarten, let’s take a look at the state of the schools at which they will spend six hours a day, five days a week and 40 weeks a year of the next 13 years.

Across Australia, many public schools are operating at maximum capacity, with hundreds of thousands of children learning their ‘three Rs’ inside yet more demountable classrooms that were introduced in the 1960s and ‘70s to accommodate another baby boom – the children of the first wave of post-war baby boomers.

The upshot is that as demountables continue their steady march across school grounds and ovals, an ever-decreasing amount of grassed area – even outdoor space – has meant that our school children have less opportunity to be physically active.

And indeed, new research shows children become less physically active during recess and lunch as they move through primary school, and become even more sedentary in secondary years.

Yet the games and sports they play in breaks contributes more to their total daily energy expenditure than anything they do outside of school, according to researchers at Deakin University.

These disturbing findings are the result of the world’s first long-term study into changes in students’ physical activity levels at recess and lunchtime.

Moreover, an increasingly crowded curriculum has led some schools to cut back on break times, further limiting play opportunities, the Deakin researchers, led by Dr Nicola Ridgers, point out.

In another study, researchers at the University of Western Australia explored the environmental characteristics of schools that helped boost children’s

Dr Karen Martin offers her five top tips on howparents can keep kids moving and steer themaway from other, more sedentary, options:

“Set clear boundaries about screen use indiscussion with kids, for example, the modem willbe turned on for a total of two hours a day, andthis will be during set times.”

“Get kids outside into the garden. Researchshows that time spent outside is linked to morephysical activity.”

“Encourage them to get out and about withfriends in their neighbourhood – send them to the park!”

“Be a good role model, exercise regularly andencourage the kids to come with you – walk the dog, ride a bike, play tennis.”

“Ensure your home environment supports kids toplay outside, which means uncluttering outsideareas and checking equipment – do you have abasketball hoop, balls (not flat!), badmintonracquets, a cricket bat?”

RESEARCH SHOWS CHILDREN BECOME LESS PHYSICALLY ACTIVE DURING RECESS AND LUNCH

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physical activities during recess and lunchtime. A key factor was the amount of space, including grassed area, available.

Associate Professor Karen Martin was the lead author of a paper on the research, published recently in The Australian and New Zealand Journal of Public Health.

Which is not doing children any favours, as those who are involved in rigorous daily activities benefit from better physical and mental health than their less-active peers, agree the researchers at both Deakin and the University of WA.

“The large majority of university-based, internationally published research in this field has found a positive association between children’s physical activity participation and academic achievement,” Dr Martin said.

“Replacing academic learning sessions with physical activity does not have a detrimental impact on school grades; indeed, some intervention research indicates that increased participation in physical activity leads to enhanced learning and better grades.

“Evidence also suggests that achieving a threshold amount of physical activity may be necessary to acquire learning benefits, and that participation in vigorous physical activity may further enhance learning.”

Dr Karen Martin offers her five top tips on how teachers can keep kids moving while at school:

“Plan and hold fitness sessions for kids – thebeginning of each day is perfect time – and the benefits are evident on students’ behaviour, cognitive processing and mental wellbeing aswell as enhancing their physical health.”

“Hold outdoor classes. Just getting kids outside increases their physical activity levels.”

“Give children some free play time each day even 10 minutes each day can boost their activity levels.”

“Creative strategies to overcome barriers – such as space issues – are needed. ‘Loose parts’ such as recycled materials (eg Pods withrecycled paraphernalia such as air-conditioningpipes) reward with hours of fun plus they alsosupport physical activity, social interaction, team building and creativity (see PODs on www.playforlife.org.au and www.playpods.co.uk).”

Work with the school community to ensure the school environment supports sport and physical education, such as the quality and quantity of sporting equipment, and varied equipment suchas tennis nets and table tennis.”

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Issue 7 Page 4

BY MICHAEL GROSE

MAKING SLEEPOVERS WORK

With school holidays around the corner there’s usually an increase kids’ sleepovers. Here are some tips to make them work for you and your kids.

Sleepovers are great for children and parents.

A child staying over means one less child in the house, which is always a bonus. It either gives you a break or gives you a chance to spend more time with the smaller crew who stay at home.

Children also benefit from sleepovers in two main ways. First, they need to fit into another family set-up, which means adapting to different foods, routines and people. This is doubly important if you only have one child. They offer good preparation for school camps as well.

Second, they give kids a chance to form friendships on their own, away from school and other adult-organised environments.

If you have a child who has difficulty making friends then let them have one friend over so they can form a deeper friendship away from other children. Of course, many sleepovers are group affairs, either as part of a birthday celebration or organised in an ad hoc way.

Maintaining duty of care

If you have a child or a number of children stay for a night or more, it’s important to be mindful of their own parents’ standards. My advice is to be very conservative with what you allow children to do when under your duty of care.

Letting them stay up later than normal is one thing, and seems part of the sleepover experience. However the choice of movies kids watch, the choice of electronic games and whether kids can leave your home while under your care are contentious issues.

It’s easy if you know the children’s parents as you can have an understanding of what they will allow for their children.

SLEEPOVERS ARE GREAT FOR CHILDREN AND PARENTS

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If you are unfamiliar with their parents then it’s best to say NO if you are unsure, and then check at pick-up time to see if you are on track. “Jeremy said you’d let him watch the ?++))*% movie. I wasn’t sure if you’d feel comfortable so I said No. Was I right?”

Not every child feels comfortable with sleepovers

Not every child feels comfortable staying over at other children’s houses. Obviously, that’s okay. I know

one parent who pushed her child to go on a sleepover, even though the eight year old said she was completely uncomfortable going. The parent insisted, so the child did stay the night at her friend’s place. Miss Eight Year Old felt so scared that she ended up sleeping in the bed of the duty of care parents! And that’s a little weird.

Methinks her parents needed to listen to how she felt. Not easy, but important!

Tips for making sleepovers work:

1. Keep the guest list small and even in number. Too many kids can spoil the fun for everyone, and an odd number means that someone will be left out.

2. Avoid going overboard with activities. Be guided by kids, though some kids can be overly enthusiastic with their plans. Less is more, and allows for some spontaneity.

3. Check your food and activity arrangements with other parents and be willing to make individual adjustments.

4. Make sure you include breakfast in your sleepover so the kids stay together and leave at the same time.

5. Consider camping outside, or an outside game.

6. Word up your child on how to be a great host, making sure everyone feels comfortable and no one is left out.

7. Think about what you’ll do with siblings. For tweens or young teens it may be best to send younger siblings away for the night, to their own sleepover!

8. Set some ground rules about what’s acceptable behaviour at the start, which may include no laptops or Internet. This will minimise the chance of cyber antics occurring.

Michael Grose, ParentingideasMichael Grose is the founder of Parentingideas, Australia’s No. 1 parenting education provider.

www.parentingideas.com.auoffice@parentingideas.com.aufacebook.com/michaelgroseparenting

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BY JODIE BENVENISTE

HOW TO ENJOY FAMILY LIFE MORE (EVEN IN THE CHALLENGING TIMES!)When you take the fun out of parenting raising kids becomes a chore. It doesn’t have to be that way.

We all know that there are many things that are amazing about raising kids – the love, the cuddles, watching our kids grow and learn, and having fun with our kids.

But we also know that the challenges – exhaustion, being on call 24/7, behaviour and discipline – can often seem to outweigh the good stuff.

Many of us get caught in the day-to-day grind of raising kids, keeping a house functioning and pursuing our job outside the home. It’s hard work!

But as the year ends, it’s a good time to reflect on how we can maximise the good stuff and get through the daily challenges with minimum stress.

Here are some thoughts that might help:

The big picture

The cliché is absolutely true. Our kids do grow up so quickly! But when we’re going through a particular stage – sleep issues, fussy eating, defiance – it can feel like it will never end. But each stage does end. Our children master new skills – walking, reading, making friends – and each leads onto a new challenge and new aspects to admire. We don’t want to miss too much of the good stuff because this too will pass.

Focus

Where we place our attention can have a big impact on how we experience family life. We can focus on our kid’s messy bedroom or the fun they’ve had playing with their friends. We can focus on the big pile of clothes that need to be ironed or the fact we got a heap of washing done. We can focus on the time ticking away at the playground (when we’ve got a million other things to do) or how the kids are being

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active and getting some fresh air. Sometimes shifting your attention slightly can lead to a much better outlook.

Expectations

Having realistic expectations helps us to struggle less. If we have some knowledge of child development, and the stage our child is at, we can understand what is reasonable to expect of them. A newborn probably won’t sleep through the night. A toddler will probably have a tantrum (or two). A teenager will probably break one (or more) family rules. When we expect that these things will happen, we can often deal with them better.

Acceptance

There are also many things in life we need to accept: Kids won’t always do what we say when we say. They will ‘misbehave’. They will push the boundaries. They will make mistakes. That’s life. Our children aren’t perfect, and neither are we. Once we accept that kids will be kids, we don’t have to struggle so much. We can accept, and then focus on how we want to address the ‘misbehaviour’, the boundary pushing or the mistakes. All of these are opportunities for our kids to learn and grow.

Learn and grow together

We teach our kids by loving them, setting boundaries, and establishing a family culture. But our kids teach us too. The more we continue to grow and learn as a person, the more we can help our kids learn and grow. We do it together, and we both benefit. That is the richness of family life.

Jodie Benveniste, Parent WellbeingJodie Benveniste is a psychologist, parenting author and the director of Parent Wellbeing – worry less and enjoy parenting! Find out about Parent Wellbeing’s online programs, books, and parent presentations, and sign up for free parenting advice and inspiration at www.parentwellbeing.com

parentwellbeing.cominfo@parentwellbeing.comfacebook.com/parentwellbeingtwitter.com/parentwellbing

OUR KIDS DO GROW UP SO QUICKLY!

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Issue 7 Page 8

BY JUSTIN COULSON

WHAT YOUR CHILDREN NEED MOST WHEN THEY DESERVE IT LEASTHow you respond when kids are angry or upset makes a difference to your relationship and their well-being

One of the most challenging paradoxes of parenthood is this: the times our children deserve our love the least are the times they need it the most.

Let me say that again for emphasis: the times that our children are the most demanding, the most trying, the most obnoxious, disrespectful, unkind, and simply out-and-out frustrating ... those times are the times that they need us to be at our best for them, at our kindest and most compassionate for them, and at our most loving for them.

When Things Go Wrong

When our children are doing things that we don’t like, that’s the time that we, as parents, usually make a demand for compliance. We prefer not to have our authority questioned. So rather than considering why a child may be resisting, we up the ante, doing our best puffer-fish impersonation and making threats.

“Do as I say ... now!”

Perhaps unsurprisingly our children resist this and often respond poorly, for one simple reason. The law of physics demands it – force creates resistance. It happens with objects and it happens with people.

Now we have an angry parent and a child who feels threatened and upset. If the situation escalates the parent will typically punish (in a poor attempt to ‘discipline’) which will only push the child further away.

So here’s the problem: When our children feel sad, angry, or afraid – or are just plain obstinate – our responses push them further away from us. That is, when our children are at their lowest emotionally, most parents typically get upset with them!

While our kids’ emotions can be pretty inconvenient, we need to be careful of the sense of entitlement we bring to asking (or telling) them to do something. Simply expecting that it will be done/dealt with/sorted out immediately, then getting incensed when that doesn’t happen, is essentially saying that:

“I’m the parent and you must do as I say.”

This is an abuse of power and a prime example of bullying.

Unfortunately, as parents we often aren’t really sure about how to deal with our children’s emotions and non-compliance. When our children are upset or refuse to follow our wishes we do not know how to respond other than in the way we’ve always done. We fail to recognise that their emotional outbursts are actually a plea for love. Their refusal to act on our wishes is a cry for attention.

So what is the alternative?

I propose three solutions.

1. We can see our children’s emotions through a new frame of reference. Rather than seeing their emotions and refusal as inconvenient, we can recognise the opportunity for connection that they represent.

2. We should encourage our authority to be questioned. Huh? Do we really want our children to question our authority?

Yes – in the right way. Respectfully.

As parents we don’t know everything so we need to stop acting like we do. We are angered when our children behave as though the world revolves around

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Dr Justin CoulsonDr Justin Coulson is a parenting expert and the author of What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family. He blogs at happyfamilies.com.au and offers parenting coaching and workshops. Justin and his wife Kylie are the parents of five children.

them, yet we expect their world to revolve around us. They may be busy playing, or be in the middle of their favourite show, or they may simply be sitting and feeling quiet. We burst into the room and demand that it be tidied, or that the dinner table be set, and so on. And we do it with little or no regard for their needs and activities. It may be true that these things need to be done – by them – but we often require it of them with no thought for what their wishes are at the moment.

3. We can respond to our children’s emotions compassionately.

When our children are upset, angry, even defiant, our primal response (might is right) is unhelpful. Being the big person does not give us the right to throw our weight around in order to obtain compliance or get them to toughen up.

Our child’s emotions are best responded to with love and kindness. Taking the time to connect with our children, help them recognise the emotions that they are feeling, and talk about things helps them to feel more comfortable with their emotions, regulate them more effectively, and feel valued, respected, and worthy as real-life people.

To give love when love is ‘undeserved’ means parents must suspend judgment. It means tending to emotional needs gently, soothing and showing we care, and modelling emotional understanding.

An example of how this can work

As one brief example: imagine that your eight-year-old child is disrespectful to you. She shouts at you when you ask for help, and then tells you she hates you.

By refusing to be drawn into a power struggle, a parent might crouch beside her daughter and acknowledge the emotions being experienced.

“Wow. You seem really hurt/angry/frustrated.”

By offering understanding ¬– and perhaps even a cuddle – a child is likely to open up. It may take a few minutes. Sometimes an understanding, “Let’s talk together in a minute or two when we’re calm” response is appropriate.

When love is felt and a child feels comfortable and

valued, you can then discuss the emotion.

“I saw you were really angry earlier. Would you like to talk about it?”

“Were things difficult for you at school today?”

“I want you to know that even when you’re angry I love you.”

Summary

Letting your child know it is safe to have emotions will remove the fear associated with having an emotion. Children will be more comfortable feeling, identifying, and responding to their emotions. They will better regulate their emotions.

And they will know that no matter what the emotion or circumstance, and no matter how undeserving they may be, they will be loved.

Justin Coulson PhD

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HOW TO BOOST YOUR FAMILY’S HAPPINESSFamily harmony is linked to good will and positive emotions. Here’s how to increase good feelings in your family and make your home a happy place.

Strong families thrive on good feelings.

They are not devoid of conflict or criticism, but generally strong families are pleasant environments to be part of.

One way to increase good feelings in your family is to increase the number of compliments.

As a general rule, the ratio of compliments to criticism should be around five to one. That is, there should be five times more positive, affirmative comments than negative comments.

In unhealthy families this ratio is reversed. When the ratio gets to around five negative comments for every one positive comment, families can be quite toxic.

How does your family rate on this scale?

If you use children only as a measure I suspect that the compliment to criticism ratio will be a little scary.

Some siblings can be unkind to each other, and find it hard to say a pleasant word. This skews the ratio a lot and can make family life awful for everyone. BUT this can change over time.

Here are five ideas to help you alter the compliments to criticisms ratio:

1. Increase your own number of affirmations, compliments, affectionate phrases and kind remarks in order to skew the ratio a bit. Aim for a seven to one ratio. Not only is this good modelling for your kids, but it will make family-life more harmonious.

2. Keep a check on your use of good feeling (and self-esteem) killers. Eradicate comments such as:

BY MICHAEL GROSE

“Typical boy!” “If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, don’t...” “What a stupid thing to say to your brother/sister!” Bite your tongue rather than say what you may be thinking.

3. Make kids aware of their language and the potential harm to self-esteem, not to mention family harmony, that constant criticism can cause. Use “I” statements to let kids know the impact of their negative talk on you. “When you talk so aggressively I feel quite scared about what you are going to do next.” It’s impossible for kids to disagree with “I” statements.

4. Develop the habit of following up a negative with a positive. When I was teaching I always tried to follow up the disciplining of a student with a compliment or some positive feedback so that we could maintain a good relationship. Do the same in your family. Follow up discipline, a rebuke or a negative comment with a positive act or comment. TEACH YOUR KIDS TO DO THE SAME!

5. Let the bad feelings out. Sometimes there can be such a build-up of ill-will between siblings that you need to let the bad feelings out. One way to do this is let a child vent to you about their sibling. You may not like what you hear but a clearing of the air can work wonders in terms of improving the family atmosphere.

All these suggestions start with you.

Like everything in family life, whatever you want from your kids, you must do first. So to increase good feelings in your home aim to keep to the compliment to criticism ratio at five to one or more!

For more practical ideas to help you raise resilient kids and strong families check out my popular Parenting Essentials pack in the shop at Parentingideas.com.au.

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Michael Grose, ParentingideasMichael Grose is the founder of Parentingideas, Australia’s No. 1 parenting education provider.

www.parentingideas.com.auoffice@parentingideas.com.aufacebook.com/michaelgroseparenting

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Issue 7 Page 12

AT HOME ALONEIt’s tricky leaving kids at home on their own and keeping them safe. Here are some tips that will help.

School holidays are just around the corner, and all those jobs we tend to get done while the kids are sitting in the classroom will soon come to an end. Over the holidays many parents are faced with the dilemma: do I drag an unwilling child to the shops and around on errands, or is she really okay to stay at home alone as she is requesting?

The decision to leave one or more children at home alone is a serious one that needs to be addressed by everyone involved. As parents, we need to work with our children to help them gain the skills and knowledge they need to stay safe. On the other hand, it is up to each child to decide if they feel safe and confident about being at home alone. It is a mutual choice: both parents and children have to be in agreement that the latter are willing and capable of being at home alone.

There is no actual law that states at what age children can be left alone, but the law is clear about the responsibility of parents to look after their children.

TIPS

Give your children the skills they need to stay safe

Although a child of 12 may appear to be as mature as on older child they still only have twelve years of life experience to draw on when faced with a challenge, especially an emergency. One of the most effective ways we can educate children in safe practices is through role play and scenarios. Practising how to respond to an emergency situation leaves the child with an imprint in their mind they can draw from in the future. Conversations around “What can you do if a fire breaks out in the kitchen?” or “What will you do if someone is at the door?” are great places to start. A child armed with knowledge has a reference point

to draw from, and will almost always be able to make safer decisions.

Rights and Responsibilities

When a parent and child have come to the decision that the child will begin to stay at home alone, the next step is to make sure everyone understands their rights and responsibilities. A child has the right to decide whether they want to be left at home alone on any particular occasion, and to know that if they are not comfortable, they will not be put in that situation. Convenience should never be part of the decision process. Ensure your child knows what is expected of them, say, if their friend invites them over to the park after school.

Provide a safe and supervised environment

Children also have the right to be left in a safe environment and this includes locks on doors and windows, and telephone access with contact numbers. It is the child’s responsibility to know and follow the rules set out and know the escape plan in case of a fire. Parents need to discuss with their children what reasonable expectations and rules should be put in place, and to limit the amount of time the child is at home alone. Leave behind a written list of duties and to make sure that they can be

IT IS A HUGE STEP TO LEAVE YOUR CHILD AT HOME ALONE

BY CATHERINE GERHARDT

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Catherine Gerhardt, Kidproof MelbourneKidproof provides proactive and preventative child and family education programs. We work with schools, community groups and other child centric organisations. We provide peace of mind for parents and create safer communities for everyone.

www.kidproofsafety.com.aumelbourne@kidproofsafety.com1 300 577 663

reached by the child. An alternate contact person is recommended in case of an emergency. It is worth asking your child “What would you do if I was late getting home or you could not get a hold of me and you were worried?” Work through possible solutions and strategies which add to their knowledge base and extend their problem solving skills.

Talk safe practices

It is the choices people make that will determine if they will be safe or not. Our decision process changes and develops with every experience we have throughout our lives. Work with your children to teach them to make safe choices when faced with a stressful or confusing new situation. It is beneficial for children to understand that there may be several choices available to them that will result in the same outcome. Say the child is at home alone during a wind storm, the power goes out and you are late getting home due to traffic congestion – what is the safest response in this situation? Would you expect them to wait it out until you get home, or would you tell them to walk over to a neighbour? (Remember they need to leave you a note to let you know where they have gone).

Responding to emergencies

The definition of an emergency is simply an incident that needs attention immediately. Emergencies can cause people to panic and not think clearly, and past experience can help set us into a ‘safe response’ mode. Let children know that there are several people they can ring in the event of an emergency. Children can go to many different people in the case of an emergency – deciding who and when depends on the type of emergency. For instance, calling 000 is for emergencies that are life threatening or need immediate attention. Calling on neighbours, the local police and nearby family members are an option as well. Who can your child go to when the power goes out or they miss the school bus? Medical emergencies can be very frightening, so it might worth enrolling them in a first aid for kids program to increase peace of mind for both of you.

It is a huge step to leave your child at home alone, but taking the time to teach them how to stay safe, with and without you present, will help you and your child with the transition to becoming a safe and responsible young adult.

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Issue 7 Page 14

BY BILL JENNINGS

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS A little perspective helps to keep kids grounded during the Christmas holiday period

Have you heard phrase ‘First World problem’ popping up in your conversations this year? It refers to someone complaining about an issue in their life that, in fact, pales in comparison to what people face in the majority world every day, such as not having access to a regular fresh water supply. My teenage kids are quick to spot First World problems.

Recently our dishwasher broke and our household had to return to hand-washing and drying all the dishes. A classic First World problem. After all, at least we have hot and cold running water. What did Monty Python’s four Yorkshiremen say? “Luxury. You were lucky!” What has this slight inconvenience created? We’ve had more side by side time, as somebody washes and someone dries. Usually someone would stack the dishwasher in isolation.

There are so many instances where we can catch ourselves feeling hassled by the loss of something that really is a luxury.

As Christmas approaches our extended family faces an annual First World problem: the allocation of a ‘Kris Kringle’ person to each of the ten adults in the tribe. The process of finding a person to secretly buy a gift for has conditions to it: you can’t draw your partner’s or your own name out of the hat. My daughter is the oldest grandchild and manages the ballot sometime in October each year. There is feigned annoyance and groans as we try to draw names out one by one and get to the last person who says, “Nup, I’ve just drawn out my husband’s name”. At this year’s family Kris Kringle draw someone remarked that it must be easier to elect a new pope! The drawn out process has become a quirky annual tradition for our family. When the KK’s are finally decided and people have written the names into their smart phones (because another First World problem is that we can easily

forget who we finally got), the big post-mortem ensues on how excruciating the process was, and theories are proffered about how this ‘problem’ could be solved next year.

Today I found a website, believe it not, called Manage my KK. It enables workplaces and families to input all the KK recipients, the conditions of allocation, etc. It can include elaborate features like a gift price limit. Participants can log on and drop hints, suggesting the particular gift they want. What do you think? Is this an over-solution of a First World problem? Isn’t the fun found in the way a family enjoys the familiarity and playfulness of complaining about how arduous it is to draw a KK?

Whilst you are seeing flippancy in this ‘First World problem’ discussion, I think ‘affluenza’, as it has been termed, does create a deeper challenge for parents who raise kids in the First World. Our kids have access to a lot of ‘stuff’. My nineteen-year-old daughter has never known a world without the internet. For young people, I reckon having so much stuff threatens their opportunities to be kind, to reach beyond a concept of self-centredness. Without providing opportunities to contribute and us parents noticing these moments, the default becomes the world and all its gadgets doing things for them. It could shovel out their capacity to know the joy of deep humanity.

This Christmas time, let me share two moments I have spotted in each of my teenagers. Recently I had a minor medical procedure booked. As usual, I was busy... the appointment rushed up in the schedule and Amber (the 19 year old) showed concern when she learned I would have a local anaesthetic injected into my eye.

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www.parentingideas.com.au Issue 7 Page 15

Bill Jennings, Time & SpaceBill Jennings is Australia’s leading parent-child program facilitator. As director of Time & Space, Bill offers your community exactly that… ‘time & space’ for young peopleand their parents to share important memories and, in doing that, create a new one.

www.time-space.com.aubjennings@time-space.com.au

“Dad – how are you going to get home after having a needle in your eyelid?”

“You know I actually hadn’t thought about that Amber,” I replied.

“OK”, said Amber, “then I will drive you there.” Wow – a small act of kindness from a grown-up daughter to her dad. I was touched and proud of her.

The young bloke, Jack, was not to be outdone by his sister. He’s sixteen and doing his job as an adolescent: pushing boundaries and causing his dad to keep the line clear. It is parenting trench warfare sometimes and his mum and I see ‘two steps forward, one step back’ as a clear ‘win’. In the midst of all the grumpy growing up and the tense conversations that we have as father and son, there are still the moments that pop up and offer the reminder of the kind heart that is in the good young man he is becoming.

We had been working on Jack getting consistent with a weekly chore – taking the bins out. It is a big help as I travel to do the Time & Space programs. My schedule is varied and I am not always home on ‘bin night’. We had sat down and I’d explained how this, being a small job, could make a big difference in our household. Can you imagine the delight when I returned from a Mother & Son night in South Australia, arriving home just after Jack had left for school in the morning to find a note he had written on the floor as I opened the door:

‘Dad,

I hope you really enjoyed Adelaide, I took the bins out last night and there’s a coffee for you in the pot.

Love Jack.’

We are lucky where we live. The challenge for First World parents, around Christmas time is to find the true gifts that we can give to each other. A good starting point is noticing where our kids have been truly kind.

If you are a mum, dad or guardian – how about this Christmas letting your kids know that you spotted a kind act of theirs that made you proud.

For the young people who might have found this on mum or dad’s iPad, maybe there’s something you appreciate about what they do for you that you could tell them about this Christmas.

parentingideas.com.au

BY JUSTIN COULSON

BY JODIE BENVENISTE

BY CATHERINE GERHARDT

BY BILL JENNINGS

BY MICHAEL GROSE

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