Parenting in a Concrete Jungle - Guiding Principles and an Action Plan

Workshop for Parents 9 October 2012

The NIST Counseling Team Mr. Joachim (Kim) Ekstrom Year 12-13 Comprehensive

jekstrom@nist.ac.th

Ext. 353

Ms. Brenda Manfredi Year 12-13 Comprehensive

bmanfredi@nist.ac.th

Ext. 204

Ms. Jacquelyn Valenzuela Year 10-11 Social/Emotional/Academic

jvalenzuela@nist.ac.th

Ext. 205

Khun Thongkorn Panklom Counseling Secretary

thongkornp@nist.ac.th

Ext. 207

Mr. Randy Wallis Year 7-9 Orange, Purple, and Green House

rwallis@nist.ac.th

Ext. 206

Ms. Michelle Vogel Year 7-9 Blue, Red, and Yellow House

mvogel@nist.ac.th

Ext. 408

Ms. Shari Dixon Early Years 1, Year 1, 3, 5

sdixon@nist.ac.th

Ext. 406

Ms. Roslin Srikuruwal Early Years 2, Year 2, 4, 6

rsrikuruwal@nist.ac.th

Ext. 355

Workshop Outline

1. Benefits of raising kids in Bangkok

2. Four parenting styles

3. Break-Out Sessions – Elementary (EY-Y6)

– Lower Secondary (Y7-9)

– Upper Secondary (Y10-13)

4. Counselors advice on how to deal with common issues

5. Discussion Groups -based on relevant issues + networking

To Take Home: – Online Networking Tool

– “Parent Advice Book” – Based on comments from 109 NIST Parents

Kim

What is the greatest benefit of raising kids in Bangkok? 109 Parent Responses

• Bangkok has everything that the big city can offer • Surrounded by the rich culture of the Thai people • Excellent Education (NIST) - Studying in an IB atmosphere • Excellent Health Care • Great public transport • Fantastic weather • Safer city than most • The city is full of life • It's fun and entertaining • Great (and inexpensive) food • Seeing and meeting people from all over the world • Domestic help (more time to spend with kids) • Being so close to beaches (and other travel opportunities)

Kim

Uninvolved

Authoritative

Permissive

Authoritarian

Authoritarian Parents: • Have strict rules and expectations.

• Very demanding, but not responsive.

• Don't express much warmth or nurturing.

• Utilize punishments with little or no explanation.

• Don't give children choices or options.

ii

Randy

Authoritative Parents:

• Listen to their children • Encourage independence • Place limits, consequences and expectations on their

children's behavior • Express warmth and nurturance • Allow children to express opinions • Encourage children to discuss options • Administer fair and consistent discipline

Children of Authoritative Parents: • Tend to have a happier dispositions • Have good emotional control and regulation • Develop good social skills • Are self-confident about their abilities to learn new skills

Brenda

Permissive Parents:

• Have few rules or standards of behavior

• When there are rules, they are often very inconsistent

• Are usually very nurturing and loving towards their kids

• Often seem more like a friend, rather than a parent.

• May use bribery such as toys, gifts and food as a means to get child to behave

Children of Permissive Parents: • Lack self-discipline • Sometimes have poor social skills • May be self-involved and demanding • May feel insecure due to the lack of boundaries and guidance

Michelle

Uninvolved Parents: • Are emotionally distant from their children

• Offer little or no supervision

• May intentionally avoid their children

• Have few or no expectations or demands for behavior

• Don't attend school events and parent-teacher conferences

• Show little warmth, love and affection towards their children

• Are often too overwhelmed by their own problems to deal with their children

Children of Uninvolved Parents: • Must learn to provide for themselves • Are often emotionally withdrawn • Tend to exhibit more delinquency during adolescence • Feel fear, anxiety or stress due to the lack of family support • Have an increased risk of substance abuse Shari

http://psychology.about.com/od/childcare/

Kim

Cultural Differences

Which parenting style describes you?

How do you think your culture influences your style?

Roslin

Room 4309

Room 4304

Room 4407

Counselors Advice On Common Issues from the Parent Survey

• Drugs/Alcohol/Cigarettes/Nightlife - Family Culture/Values/Rules

• Wrong Company/Peer Group/Peer Pressure

• Knowing Where They Are

• Responsibility/Judgement/Right Decisions

• Freedom/Restrictions/Trust

Kim

NIST is a drug free campus

It is illegal in Thailand for anyone under the age of

20 to drink alcohol

There are extremely harsh penalties under Thai law for substance misuse

(drugs) and such use is viewed as an adult crime even if committed by a student

At NIST the School will contact parents to allow drug testing if it is considered necessary using

hair and/or urine tests if we suspect that a student has been misusing illegal substances. A positive test will lead initially to counselling.

Where do some students go to party?

BITEC in Bangna or the RCA complex off Petchaburi Road • Large, professionally organized parties • Entrance fee of around 500 baht • Free flow alcohol including spirits all evening • Literally hundreds of people • Little screening of ‘undesirables’ • Fire safety is a major concern • Great risk when they leave the venues late at night • ‘Pink Sky’ and ‘Culture One’ are two organizers Bars on Khao San Road: • Students are able to buy ‘buckets’ of alcohol for a few hundred baht

and drink to excess with little or no regard for their age or concern for their health.

• Many students have fake ID • At these venues youngsters may be offered illegal substances such

as marijuana

• Guest speaker at NIST this Friday (October 12) to talk about the drug scene in Bangkok

• Will speak to all Year 10-13 students.

Jackie

Gary Lewis Regional Representative United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime Regional Centre for East Asia and the Pacific

Drugs/Alcohol/Cigarettes/Nightlife - Family Culture/Values/Rules

– Discuss family culture and values at home regularly – why

are these things important to us • You and your spouse might need to clarify for yourself first

– Discuss negative effects of alcohol/drugs/cigarettes • Be a role model- “don’t do as I do – do as I tell you” doesn’t work

– Have regular family meetings (with agenda, note taker, and chair) • Set your rules and regulations as a family (might take some

negotiation)

• CLEAR consequences – always follow up– be clear and unwavering

– Discuss Thai law – and punishments

– Discuss prostitution

Brenda

Wrong company/Peer Group/Peer Pressure

Wise saying: “If you want me to tell you who you are, first tell me who your friends are”

Keep an “open house” where your child’s friends feel welcome, and your child feels comfortable bringing friends

Know your child’s friends

know the friends’ parents and know how to contact them

Talk to your child about saying NO, and to trust his/her inner voice

Kim

“Knowing Where They Are” mobile – fully charged, saved emergency number, memorized

parents’ numbers

know your child’s friends’ telephone numbers

know the friends’ parents’ telephone numbers

rule –always respond to parents’ calls/SMS

taxis – take the plate number and text parents

check with you while they are out and if they are moving from place to place – either by calling or texting

agree that they have to go where they tell you they are going

agree that they can text you to call them with an excuse why they should go home if they feel they need to get away from a situation

agree on a time when they have to be home

offer a ride to/from concerts and clubs

talk with your child at the end of the evening

Jackie

Responsibility/Judgement/Right Decisions

– Simple question: is this good for me? Is it good for others?

– Coming back to family’s (and personal) values – Tell child to:

• Never leave drink unattended • Any drink, not only alcoholic ones may be tampered with by

someone who may wish to harm them • Always stay with the group when they go out and keep a close

eye on other’s behavior (in case their drink is spiked)– • designate a ‘responsible person’ each time they go out • If a member of the group, especially a female is behaving

irrationally or seems unusually disoriented whether by alcohol or something else they need to stay with them at all times, contact the rest of the group by mobile phone and immediately take the person home

Brenda

Freedom/Restrictions

– Think of this as a continuum with no freedom at one end and no restrictions at the other end

– Where is your family?

– More freedom takes higher level of maturity/responsibility (child) and trust (parent)

No Freedom No Restrictions

Kim

Trust

– Really LISTEN to your child. Lectures don’t always work very well.

– Choose your battles.

– Be supportive and caring while sticking to family rules and values.

Jackie

Discussion Groups + Networking

• Discuss problems and solutions

• Decide on “note taker” and “presenter”

• 20 minutes discussion

• Discussion groups will then share with the whole group (15 min)

Kim

Discussion groups + networking

• Drugs/Alcohol/Cigarettes/Nightlife - Family Culture/Values/Rules

• Wrong company/Peer Group/Peer Pressure

• “Knowing Where They Are”

• Responsibility/Judgement/Right Decisions

• Freedom/Restrictions/Trust

Kim

“If I had my child to raise over again” by Diana Loomans

If I had my child to raise over again, I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I'd do less correcting, and more connecting. I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more. I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging, and less tugging. I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. I'd teach less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love. It matters not whether my child is big or small,

From this day forth, I'll cherish it all. Brenda

Parents’ Online Networking Tool

• The NIST Parents Group is an online forum where parents of students in a specific year level can post questions to the group, share ideas, concerns, and discuss common issues. This group is meant as a parent discussion group, and is independent from NIST.

• You will soon receive an email that looks like this:

Kim

Click here!

Online:

Click here!

Kim

Online Confirmation:

Kim

In your Inbox:

Click here!

Kim

Ways to respond to an email sent from a parent in the group

Year Level Moderator

Please let us know if you would like to act as moderator for your year level’s

parent group

• Keep track of group activity: – email messages

– membership changes

– web feature usage

– changes to the group's settings

• The IT Department will offer a workshop

Online

Thank You and Farewell Mr. Joachim (Kim) Ekstrom Year 12-13 Comprehensive

jekstrom@nist.ac.th

Ext. 353

Ms. Brenda Manfredi Year 12-13 Comprehensive

bmanfredi@nist.ac.th

Ext. 204

Ms. Jacquelyn Valenzuela Year 10-11 Social/Emotional/Academic

jvalenzuela@nist.ac.th

Ext. 205

Khun Thongkorn (Kluay) Panklom thongkornp@nist.ac.th

Ext. 207