PARENTING AFTER SEPARATION AND

DIVORCE INFORMATION SHEET

As separation and divorce is a process that can go on for several years, the period following a formal separation involves many life changes and decisions - and all of them have an impact on younger and older children. Children tend to do best after separation and divorce when both parents remain involved in their lives. Unless the child’s safety is threatened (in the case of abusive relationships) parents should ensure that children can maintain relationships with both parents. This is best achieved by building a cooperative parenting relationship. If possible, parents should work together and share responsibility for their children’s care. Remember: you divorce your partner, not your children. Your spousal relationship has ended, but you parental relationship continues. It is in everyone’s best interest to make the parenting relationship work, but it is especially important for your children. It is rare that parents make formal plans for their children’s future when the family remains together. Plans evolve, day by day, month by month and year by year as the need arises. But when parents separate, the social, medical and educational needs have to be spelled out in great detail. Who is going to do what and when? Who will pay for the various expenses that come with child rearing? How will time be shared? How will parents communicate with each other or with the child when they are not together? What are the legal ramifications of the decisions that parents make? What used to be automatic can now be highly problematic. Making a formal parenting plan can help to ease these problems. A parenting plan is a written agreement that outlines specific arrangements and responsibilities for parenting. It helps parents develop a way of making decisions that affect their children’s health, education and welfare. It is helpful to think about your parental relationship as a business relationship. You have a common goal, that of raising healthy, well-adjusted and happy children, and you are working together to ensure that happens. The co-parenting plan is the result of that business relationship and it is the responsibility of each parent to address those emotional issues which interfere with the development of that plan and your common parenting goals. For many divorcing couples, developing a parenting plan can be very stressful. You may feel forced to continue interacting with a person, whom you don’t like, or whom you hold many strong negative feelings towards. Try to remember you are developing a plan for the benefit of your children. The following are some thoughts to help you stay focused on your children!!

• I will remember that my children have one and only one childhood! • During this childhood, my children are learning values, developing

strengths and picking up “habits” that they will take into adulthood. How do I want to contribute to that?

• I know that divorce is not what my children want or would choose. How can I empower them during this time?

• I realize that one of my children’s greatest needs is to have parents who are courteous and cooperative with each other. They are depending on both of us to care for and protect them.

• My children are worth the time, energy and

#305 – 2502 St. Johns Street Port Moody, B.C.,

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PARENTING AFTER SEPARATION AND

DIVORCE INFORMATION SHEET – PAGE 2

who are courteous and cooperative with each other. They are depending on both of us to care for and protect them.

• My children are worth the time, energy and resources it takes to come up with a co-parenting plan that demonstrates both parents’ commitment to do the right thing.

General Principles to Keep in Mind: Communicate with the children: Communicate honestly about the facts of the divorce process and outcomes. Keep the children informed. Keep the information at a level appropriate for their ages. Let the children know that the divorce is not their fault, and that both parents love them. Allow your child to express his or her feelings. Take care in speaking about your own emotions to your children. Acknowledge your feelings to your children, but turn to friends, family, counsellors, or clergy for emotional support. This will help you avoid giving your children an emotional burden. Maintain consistency: Children need a lot of stability to anchor them during the stressful times of the early stages of separation and divorce. Change as little as possible, especially at first. Do not alter the way you discipline and reward your child. Keep the routines (bedtimes, meals) the same. Children feel safest when things are familiar. Help your children stay connected: You should support your children’s friendships and activities. Changing schools and day care is a bad idea and should be avoided if possible. Often schools will make residency exception in cases of separation. Even if you must move to a distant neighborhood and school district, make an effort to have sleepovers and play dates with their old friends, and encourage new friendships too. Grandparents and other members of the extended family are very important to children. Ensure children have the opportunity to spend time alone with family members with whom they have close relationships. Relatives can provide emotional security and support. Do not fight in front of the children: Create an environment where children are protected from conflict. Have your disagreements well out of earshot, and remember kids are experts at listening in. Do not make your children take sides or act as go betweens or messengers. Do not quiz them about what your ex-spouse is doing – if you really want to know you can phone him or her yourself. Avoid speaking of the other parent in negative terms: Children do not want to take sides. They love both parents and it can be very hurtful for them to hear bad things about a parent. Helping Children Adjust to Two Homes

Children of any age do not like to have their security threatened. Their security comes from a sense of predictability and a stable family environment. Children's sense of security is often built around the familiarity of where they live, eat, sleep and keep their possessions. This sense of "home" takes time to rebuild when they begin moving between residences. When children begin the process of travelling between two homes, they experience feelings of

#305-2502 St. Johns Street Port Moody, B.C.

V3H 2B4 Phone: (604) 657-3260 Fax: (604) 931-3179

www.counsellingworks.ca

Professional

Counselling Services

provided by

Anita Bloy M.A., RCC

PARENTING AFTER SEPARATION AND

DIVORCE INFORMATION SHEET – PAGE 3

When children begin the process of travelling between two homes, they experience feelings of loss, confusion, anxiety and insecurity as they adjust to the reality of being with one parent at a time. As a coping mechanism for trying to handle these emotions, they may over-react and become very difficult to handle for a few hours or even days. One parent may blame the other for this behaviour, assuming that the other parent is not disciplining the child, or is even encouraging the child to behave badly. But it's important for you not to jump to conclusions - your child's behaviour may be nothing more than a reaction to his or her own feelings of grief and loss.

When children move between homes, they are constantly reminded that the family is no longer together. Children may also experience separation anxiety from one or both parents, or they may worry about the well-being of the parent they are leaving behind. In addition to all that, children have to deal with some unwelcome changes in their schedule and environment. Give children time to adjust to the changes, and make sure they feel safe and secure in both places. For example, you can work together to ensure that your children have familiar belongings and favourite games with them at each residence. You can also help children maintain visits with friends and extended family members.

If one parent moves a great distance away, a child's feelings of loss and anxiety may be understandably heightened. In the case where one parent sees the children during holidays and summer vacations, it's important to help maintain continuity as much as possible by keeping the residence "homey" and filled with some familiar possessions. Parents also need to prepare their children for the inevitable changes and how they will maintain contact with both parents. For example, regular phone calls can help children maintain a continuous relationship with a parent who lives at a distance.

If you don’t live with your children, it’s sometimes easy to believe that you are not needed any more. But children need and want both of their parents in their lives. Children who have lost touch with one parent often feel a longing for that parent that never goes away. Just knowing that his parent loves him, and is still acting as a parent, has a profound effect on a child’s wellbeing and sense of self esteem. You cannot be replaced. It’s important to be consistent and reliable. Your children count on you to do what you say you will do. Discipline should be consistent – don’t ignore discipline and don’t over-do it. Enjoy your time with your kids. As your child grows, so will your relationship with him or her. Young children need to be with you more frequently. Teenagers will want more time with their own friends. Invite your child to bring a friend along on a planned activity. Take lots of pictures and give your child a set of prints. Encourage your child to bring special things to show you (like a school project, badges, special reports or photos). Give him or her their own bag to use when bringing these possessions. Celebrate holidays and birthdays around the actual date. Try creating some new holiday traditions. Send your child letters, postcards or email. Stay in touch. All these reminders show children how much you love them. Remember that you are building a relationship with your child that will last forever.

#305-2502 St. Johns Street Port Moody, B.C.

V3H 2B4 Phone: (604) 657-3260 Fax: (604) 931-3179

www.counsellingworks.ca

Professional

Counselling Services

provided by

Anita Bloy M.A., RCC