parenting (1).ppt

8/16/2019 parenting (1).ppt

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Parenting YoungParenting YoungChildrenChildren

"Git 'R Done Right""Git 'R Done Right"

WILLIAM B. BERMAN, Ph.D.WILLIAM B. BERMAN, Ph.D.


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Deuteronomy 5:15

And re!e!er that #ou $ere a %la&e in the land o Eg#(t, andthe Lord #our God rought #ou out ro! there # a !ight#hand and # an out%tret)hed ar!* thereore the Lord #our God)o!!anded #ou to +ee( the aath da#.

.

G-D PAREN/ING PLAN

/EP 0


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God (arented (ri!aril# $ith e1ternal )ontrol%. Clearl# deined role 2"I a! the Lord, #our God."3 Clearl# deined rule% 2/he "la$"3 Clearl# deined )on%e4uen)e%.

-e# or di%oe#, re%ulted in le%%ing% or (uni%h!ent.

God reerred to hi% (eo(le a% the C5ILDREN o I%rael

G-D PAREN/ING PLAN/EP 0


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G-D PAREN/ING PLAN

/EP 6 In te( 0, God told hi% )hildren $hat to do. In te( 6, God showed hi% )hildren $hat to do.

-ne o the rea%on% that God %ent u% hi% %on $a% %o that hi%

)hildren $ould ha&e a li&ing role !odel to de!on%trate andtea)h # e1a!(le ho$ he $anted the! to li&e.

Matthe$ 7809 "Do not thin+ that I ha&e )o!e to aoli%h the La$ or thePro(het%* I ha&e not )o!e to aoli%h the! ut ulill the!."


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G-D' PLAN :-R PAREN/ING/EP ;

E8>? "I a! going to %end #ou $hat !# :ather

ha% (ro!i%ed,"


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G-D' PLAN :-R PAREN/ING/EP ;

-ne rea%on that @e%u% a%)ended $a% %o that the5ol# (irit $ould )o!e in hi% (la)e to d$ell in theheart% o tho%e $ho $ere $illing to re)ei&e hi!.

God the :ather'% )o!(lete and (ere)t (lan egin%

$ith8 e1ternal rule% or go&erning hi% )hildren, then he e)o!e% a role !odel or the! to

ollo$,

and inall# %end% the! out into the adult $orld$ith hi% rule% in their heart%.


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Puni%h!ent


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Puni%h!ent/he (re%entation o an a&er%i&e %ti!ulu% or the

re!o&al o a (o%iti&e %ti!ulu% or the (ur(o%e o

redu)ing or eli!inating an unde%irale eha&ior. 2Ane&ent.3

o!eod# ig i!(o%ing their $ill on %o!eod# %!all. 2Itloo%e% it'% ee)ti&ene%% $hen the %o!eod# %!all get%igger than the %o!eod# ig.3

It )o!!uni)ate% $hat not to do, rather than $hat todo.

/he lo)u% o )ontrol i% e1ternal.


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DICIPLINE/he de&elo(!ent o a %et o internal )ontrol% to

go&ern eha&ior. 2A process .3

It i% de%igned to a)ilitate the a)4ui%ition o de%iredeha&ior%.

It )o!!uni)ate% $hat to do, rather than $hat not todo.

It re4uire% the de&elo(!ent o de)i%ion !a+ing and

(role! %ol&ing %+ill%. 2A%tra)t rea%oning3 /he lo)u% o )ontrol i% internal .


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Puni%h!ent &. Di%)i(line

You )an (uni%h a )hild $ithout

di%)i(lining.

You )an di%)i(line a )hild $ithout

(uni%hing.


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Puni%h!ent in the -ld

/e%ta!entPro&er% 0;86> 5e that %(areth hi% rod, hateth hi% %on8 ut he that lo&eth hi!

)ha%teneth hi! eti!e%. Pro&er% 6?807

/he rod and re(roo f gi&e $i%do!8 ut a )hild let to hi!%el ringeth hi%!other to %ha!e.

Pro&er% 6;80; Withhold not )orre)tion ro! the )hild8 or i thou eate%t hi! $ith the

rod, he %hall not die.

Pro&er% 6;80> /hou %halt eat hi! $ith the rod and %halt deli&er hi% %oul ro! 5ell.


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Puni%h!ent in the -ld

/e%ta!ent"Cha%ten" )o!e% ro! 5ere$ $ord "#a$%ar"

Literall# !ean% "to in%tru)t $ith lo$%"

We%ter'% Di)tionar# deine% ")ha%ti%e" a% "to(uni%h, e%(e)iall# odil# a% # $hi((ing"


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God'% Plan or Di%)i(line

5ere$% 068 "I #ou are not di%)i(lined, then #ou are illegiti!ate)hildren and not true %on%."

5ere$% 06800

"No di%)i(line %ee!% (lea%ant at the ti!e, ut(ainul. Later on, ho$e&er, it (rodu)e% a har&e%t orighteou%ne%% and (ea)e or tho%e $ho are trained# it.

Pro&er% 668= /rain u( a )hild in the $a# he %hould go8 and $hen

he i% old, he $ill not de(art ro! it.


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E(he%ian% 780 Be i!itator% o God E(he%ian% =8> And, #e ather%, (ro&o+e not #our )hildren to

$rath8 ut ring the! u( in the nurture andad!onition o the Lord. 2@F3

E(he%ian% >86?

Do not let an# un$hole%o!e tal+ )o!e out o #our!outh%, ut onl# $hat i% hel(ul or uildingother% u( a))ording to their need%, that it !a#eneit tho%e $ho li%ten. God'% Plan or Di%)i(line

God'% Plan or Di%)i(line


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Di%)i(line in the Ne$ /e%ta!ent 5ere$% 068=

:or $ho! the Lord lo&eth he )ha%teneth, "Cha%teneth" here i% tran%lated ro! the Gree+ $ord

"(aideuo" $hi)h !ean% "to train, to tea)h, or in%tru)t" E(he%ian% =8> And, #e ather%, (ro&o+e not #our )hildren to $rath8

ut ring the! u( in the nurture and ad!onition o theLord. 2@F3

"ad!onition" here i% tran%lated ro! the Gree+ $ord"nouthe%ia" $hi)h !ean% "to )all attention to, !ildl#reu+e, to )aution gentl#, or to $arn."


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Di%)i(line in the Ne$ /e%ta!ent

Pro&er% 0780

A %ot an%$er turneth a$a# $rath, ut grie&ou% $ord% %tir u( anger.

A )hild on)e told her unda# )hool

tea)her8 "God $rote the -ld /e%ta!enteore he e)a!e a Chri%tian"


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WI5E &%. RHLE Wi%h When the de%ired out)o!e doe% not o))ur, the (er%on

!a+ing the $i%h %uer% the )on%e4uen)e.

Rule When the de%ired out)o!e doe% not o))ur, the (er%on not

!a+ing the rule %uer% the )on%e4uen)e.


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P-WER &. AH/5-RI/Y

P-WER /he u%e o all a&ailale re%our)e% $ithin the

indi&idual to i!(o%e their $ill u(on another.

Authorit# /he ailit# o an indi&idual to ring together all

the re%our)e% ne)e%%ar# to i!(o%e their $ill u(onanother.


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Proa)ti&e &. Rea)ti&e

Parenting Proa)ti&e Parent Clearl# deine% e1(e)tation% and rule% (ea+% $ith lo&ing authorit#

0J )ertaint# o )on%e4uen)e i rule i% not oe#ed

Child %u!it% to (arent'% authorit# in%tead o !i%eha&ing Rea)ti&e (arent Hn)learl# e1(re%%e% $i%he% Rea)t% $ith in)rea%ing ru%tration to the )hild'% !i%eha&ior

Child )ontinue% to !i%eha&e until 0J )ertaint# o)on%e4uen)e Child ulti!atel# %u!it% to (arent'% (o$er


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GHIDELINE :-R

PANING


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GHIDELINE :-R PANING

In order to de)ide i %(an+ing i% an a((ro(riate tool tou%e in a %(e)ii) %ituation, a%+ #our%el the ollo$ing4ue%tion%8

I% the unde%irale eha&ior an a)t o $illuldi%oedien)eK

Wa% the )orre)tion a )on%i%tent )on%e4uen)e orthe unde%irale eha&iorK

Are #ou )orre)ting the deed or the doerK

Doe% the %(an+ing (ro&o+e #our )hild% $rathK


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GHIDELINE :-R PANING

What i% #our e!otional %tate at the ti!e oad!ini%tering the %(an+ingK

I #ou are angr#, the )hild !a# rea%on that the

%(an+ing i% a un)tion o #our e!otional %taterather than the inherent $rongne%% o the!i%eha&iorK

5o$ $ould #our )hild an%$er thi% 4ue%tion8 Wh#

did #ou get a %(an+ingKa3 Be)au%e I !ade !# (arent angr#3 Be)au%e I !i%eha&ed 2ro+e a rule, et).3


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RHLE :-R /IME -H/ /here are three i!(ortant %te(% to the /i!e

-ut (ro)edure8te( 0

Re!o&e the )hild ro! the en&iron!ent in $hi)h

the una))e(tale eha&ior ha% u%t o))urred./hi% i% a or! o (uni%h!ent O i!(o%ing #our $ill

on the )hild # eli!inating the o((ortunit# or(o%iti&e reinor)e!ent.

Re!o&e the )hild din a )al!, oe)ti&e, !ateroa)t $a#* a&oid &eral o&er+ill


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RHLE :-R /IME -H/ te( 6et a %(e)ii) ti!e (eriod or the )hild to

re!ain unattended and %ilent in /i!e -ut.ee( the ti!e (eriod rie and age a((ro(riate.

Enor)e # %tarting the ti!e inter&al o&er ithe rule% o the /i!e -ut are &iolated.I (h#%i)al re%traint i% ne)e%%ar#, u%e the

!ini!al or)e ne)e%%ar# and %tart the ti!e

inter&al onl# $hen the )hild i% read# toa))e(t re%(on%iilit# or )o!(lian)e $ith therule%.


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RHLE :-R /IME -H/ te( 6

/he onl# di%)u%%ion ne)e%%ar# ro! the (arenti% a rie %tate!ent inor!ing the )hild thatthe /i!e -ut i% a )on%e4uen)e o hi%her

%(e)iied eha&ior, and in%tru)ting the )hilda% to the rule% and e1(e)tation% during the/i!e -ut (eriod.

Do not negotiate, rea%on, argue or other$i%e

re%(ond to the )hild% %tate!ent% other thanto re%tate the (re&iou% %te(.


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RHLE :-R /IME -H/

te( ;When the (eriod ha% ended, go to the )hild todi%)u%% the (role! in de(th.

Both (arent and )hild $ill ha&e had a )han)e

to ring e!otion% under )ontrol.Htili


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RHLE :-R /IME -H/ Ater the /i!e -ut (eriod, during the

di%)u%%ion that ollo$%, en)ourage the )hildand %hare #our )oniden)e and e1(e)tation%that the )hild% eha&ior $ill i!(ro&e.

/hi% )reate% a &er# natural o((ortunit# or arie di%)u%%ion o una))e(tale i!(ul%e%, andthe i!(ortan)e o re%i%ting te!(tation%, et).

Con)lude the ti!e $ith (ra#er eore allo$ing

the )hild to return to a (re&iou% or ne$a)ti&it#.


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IN/ENI/Y &.

CER/AIN/Y5o$ %e&ere %hould a (uni%h!ent eK /he lo$e%t inten%it# that a))o!(li%he% the oe)ti&e. tart &er# lo$, ut (rogre%%i&el# in)rea%e.

5o$ !an# ti!e% %hould a )hild e told %o!ething eore eing(uni%hed or di%oedien)eK

-nl# on)e i there i% a 0J )ertaint# that the (uni%h!ent$ill o))ur.

2/hat i%, $hen the $i%h e)o!e% a rule.3


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/5E ABC% -: BE5AFI-RMANAGEMEN/

Ante)edent Con%e4uen)eBeha&ior


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Parenting AParenting Adolescentsdolescents

"Git'n a Second Chance""Git'n a Second Chance"

• Dr. William Berman


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An illness? (No treatment, !t most re"o#er e#ent!all$.%

A time &'en arents a)e *aster t'an t'eir "'il+ren.

A time &'en t'e "'il+ren &e 'a#e een "orre"tin), start"orre"tin) !s.

astor-s sermon series

Be*ore *irst "'il+ "10 Commandments for Parents"

A*ter *irst "'il+ "10 Hints for Parents" A*ter se"on+ "'il+ "A few suggestions for parents"

A*ter *irstorn e"ame a teena)er /e !it rea"'in)

ar &ain-s &'ise$ arrel t'eor$

W'at is A+oles"en"e?


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Culturally determined phenomenon (not universal)

Biblical model: Transition from child to adult at time of puberty

Many cultures have "puberty rites" or rituals

Invented in 18 by !tate of Illinois leislature

#assed first la$ in %! definin children under 1& as bein sub'ect todifferent la$s

Teens could not be held sub'ect to adult criminal la$s Teens $ould no$ be held sub'ect to a ne$ set of la$s ("status offenses")

status offense is a la$ that you outro$ at "ae of ma'ority

e**+ purchase of tobacco and alcohol+ curfe$+ firearms

Teens $ere no loner e,pected to act li-e adults

A+oles"en"e

/istori"al !lt!ral erse"ti#e


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A+oles"en"e 'as e#ol#e+ to e"omin) an lan &it' o!t an i+entit$ or role+e*inition

n #a"ation

a$ a+!lt *are *or lane ti"et sta$ *ree at 'otel (i+ +e*ine+ as !n+er 18%

too ol+ to or+er *rom t'e "'il+ren-s men!

too $o!n) to enter t'e 'otel lo!n)e

ol+ eno!)' to 'a#e +ri#er-s li"ense, !t not allo&e+ to +ri#e rental "ar

m!st e a""omanie+ $ a+!lt to see a mo#ie, !t m!st !r"'ase a+!ltti"et

eer "on*ormit$, "l!s, )an) memers'i, reli)io!s "!lts, et". are all &a$st'at teens see to estalis' an i+entit$ &it' "onsistent an+ "learl$ +e*ine+r!les

A+oles"en"e

/istori"al !lt!ral erse"ti#e


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We 'a#e "reate+ an !nnat!ral state *or t'is a)e )ro! an+ no& &e +on-t no&&'at to +o &it' t'em.

Anti&ar rotest son) in t'e -60s (#e o* Destr!"tion $ Barr$ ":!ire%

You're old enough to kill but not for voting."

;n some states, $o! "an !r"'ase a )!n at 18, !t m!st e 21 to !r"'aseal"o'ol.

;n some states, $o! "an marr$ e*ore 18, !t m!st e at least 21 to otain amort)a)e or a!to loan. (ermanent #. temorar$ "ommitment?%

Di+ :o+ e#er inten+ *or one o* 'is "reations to e neit'er a "'il+ or an a+!lt at t'esame time?


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Dr. William Berman &as on a"a+emi"roation 'is entire *res'man $ear o* "olle)e.

A+oles"en"e is temorar$


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=o+!s 2013

hou shalt not kill!

/ere&s 1211

"o dis#ipline seems pleasant at the time$ but painful. Later on$however$ it produ#es a harvest of righteousness and pea#e for those whoare trained b% it."

ro#ers 226

rain up a #hild in the wa% he should go& and when he is old, he will

not depart from it.

2 eter 38

ut do not forget this one thing$ dear friends$ with the (ord$ a da% is likea thousand %ears$ and a thousand %ears are like a da%.

W'at Does t'e Bile


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No a!t'oritati#e re"or+ o* >es!s-s li*e et&een a)es 13 an+ 30

@!e 24152

)ver% %ear his parents went to *erusalem for the +east of thePassover. ,hen he was twelve %ears old$ the% went up to the+east$ a##ording to the #ustom. After the +east was over$while his parents were returning home$ the bo% *esus sta%ed

behind in *erusalem$ but the% were unaware of it. hinking hewas in their #ompan%$ the% traveled on for a da%. hen the%began looking for him among their relatives and friends. ,henthe% did not find him$ the% went ba#k to *erusalem to look forhim.

W'at Ao!t >es!s as a

eena)er?


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After three da%s the% found him in the temple

#ourts$ sitting among the tea#hers$ listening to

them and asking them -uestions. )ver%onewho heard him was amaed at his

understanding and his answers. ,hen his

parents saw him$ the% were astonished. His

mother said to him$ /on$ wh% have %ou

treated us like this Your father and 2 have

been an3iousl% sear#hing for %ou.4


eena)er?


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/,h% were %ou sear#hing for me4 he asked.

/5idn6t %ou know 2 had to be in m% +ather6s

house4 ut the% did not understand what hewas sa%ing to them. hen he went down to

aareth with them and was obedient to

them. ut his mother treasured all thesethings in her heart. And *esus grew in

wisdom and stature$ and in favor with 7od

and men.


eena)er?


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"Bar" . "son"

"Mit/vah" . "commandment"

0e$ish la$ t ae of puberty+ no loner under race and parents authority*

2o$+ under 3ods commandments and directly under 4is authority*

1 Corinthians 15:11

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, Ireasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish waysbehind me.

Bar it#a'

A+ l


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e of onset for puberty radually decreasin

e of marriae radually increasin

Teens are bombarded $ith se,ual stimuli in every

aspect of their daily lives clothin styles+ maa/inecovers and stories+ music lyrics and performers+

video+ Internet+ etc*

A+oles"en"e


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4omose,ual behavior has transformed fromimmoral+ to bein tolerated+ to bein vie$ed as anacceptable alternative lifestyle+ to becomin

normal for those born that $ay

4avin se, $ith yourself has become more

unacceptable than havin se, $ith someone else

6ral se, is no loner defined as se,

A+oles"en"e


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7illiam B* Berman+ #h**7illiam B* Berman+ #h**

Parenting Older TeenagersParenting Older Teenagers

Failure to Launch?Failure to Launch?

$i h h &li fP $i h %h &li f


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1. Have faith that adolescence is1. Have faith that adolescence istemporary.temporary.

Hebres 11!1Hebres 11!1

"Now faith is being sure of what"Now faith is being sure of whatwe hope for and certain of what we dowe hope for and certain of what we donot see."not see."

1 Thessalonians "!#1 Thessalonians "!#

"it came to ass""it came to ass"

Pre$ight %hec&list forPre$ight %hec&list for

Launching TeenagersLaunching Teenagers

$i h h &li fP $i ht %h &li t f


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2.2. 'ncourage and a(rm 'ncourage and a(rm

)atthe "!1*+1,)atthe "!1*+1, "As soon as Jesus was baptized,"As soon as Jesus was baptized,

he came up out of the water. At thathe came up out of the water. At that

moment heaven was opened, and hemoment heaven was opened, and hesaw the Spirit of God descending i!e asaw the Spirit of God descending i!e a

dove and ighting on him. And a voicedove and ighting on him. And a voice

from heaven said, "his is m# Son,from heaven said, "his is m# Son,



$i h h &li fP $i ht %h &li t f


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". Learn and teach e-ective". Learn and teach e-ective

communication s&illscommunication s&ills

pea&er + Listener Techni/uepea&er + Listener Techni/ue



P $i h %h &li fP $i ht %h &li t f


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#. Time Out 0not the same as punishment for#. Time Out 0not the same as punishment forchildren2children2



P $i h %h &li fP $i ht %h &li t f


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3. 4nderstand their feelings and needs. 0They on5t23. 4nderstand their feelings and needs. 0They on5t2

6nade/uacy6nade/uacy

ugly7 dumb7 failure7 8loser78 etc.ugly7 dumb7 failure7 8loser78 etc.

%onformity%onformity belonging provides temporary identitybelonging provides temporary identity

9ole confusion9ole confusion

child or adult?child or adult?

truggle ith se:ualitytruggle ith se:uality

Temptation to sin Temptation to sin

increases faster than maturity or self controlincreases faster than maturity or self control



P $i ht %h &li t fP $i ht %h &li t f


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*. Love them*. Love them

unconditionallyunconditionally

tough lovetough love

9ules9ules

+ 9elationship+ 9elationship

9ebellion9ebellion



P $i ht %h &li t fP $i ht %h &li t f


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,. ':ercise authority 0benevolent,. ':ercise authority 0benevolent

dictatorship2dictatorship2

;. 9ole model;. 9ole model

Lu&e *!#

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